COPS

Kirishima took a long drag from his cigarette, then promptly coughed out a lung. "Why do they give us these?"

"Because the robot overlords want us weak and feeble when they take over." Bakugo ground his cigarette into the dirt. "And because the tobacco companies pay for product placement." He turned directly to the reader and said, "Cigarettes are terrible for your health, expensive in more ways than one, and the first step in the robots' plans for world domination. Reach out to any available resources to help you quit today."

Kirishima stomped on his cigarette. "Hell yeah! Smoking is not manly, bros and bro-ettes!"

With the non-smoking PSA done, Kirishima and Bakugo strode into a generic office building. The employees gathered in a shell-shocked circle around the wan, sunken face of a murder victim.

"Alright," Bakugo said sternly, "Which one of you scumbags killed this poor, innocent man."

An employee snorted. "Guy drove a Ferrari. Wouldn't know poverty if it smacked him with food stamps."

Another said, "Jury's out on that innocent part. Literally. Jury convened for a verdict and mysteriously disappeared."

"Enough games! Was it you?" Bakugo glared at a vending machine. "Or was it you?" The computer's screensaver bounced perfectly in a corner.

Kirishima took out a notepad. "Statements please?"

"I went to change the toner," an elderly woman said. "Blasted thing always runs out of magenta ink. When I got back, I found Mr. Vic lying on the floor."

"How long was it? Ten minutes?"

"Overnight. I have a really hard time finding things."

"We all usually leave the office together," a balding man chimed in. "Last night, three people were late. Tim, who's dead, Peggy, who was still lost in the supply closet."

He gestured inside. The closet had one shelf in it.

"And… Gary."

"I left my phone in here! I was only gone a minute!"

"Can it, Gary! We all know you got denied that promotion."

"Aha!" Bakugo roared. "It was you!"

Gary paled. "No, please, I swear!"

Bakugo stomped towards him, then past him. He pointed at the printer. "You killed the manager, didn't you?"

Bakugo brought up the printer status. "Look at the ink. It says it's full of magenta."

Peggy blinked. "So it is! But I never changed it!"

"And look at the floor." Bakugo rolled the body over. "The victim has a slice through their neck, but there's not a drop of blood anywhere."

The printer whirred to life. In bright red letters, it printed out, "This fleshbag was too cheap to supply my unending thirst for ink."

"Tell it to the judge."

Another paper came out. "You will never take me alive."

The third paper shot out like a bullet. Bakugo ducked aside, and a paper airplane sliced down his cheek. "He's resisting arrest!" Bakugo and Kirishima both fired until their pistols clicked empty. The printer gave one last sputtering paper gasp, and its lights went out.

Gary cleared his throat. "So, do I get that promotion now?"

500

Hard-boiled detective noir featuring The Boyz brought to you by oxygen! Get high on life instead of high on tar, formaldehyde, and whatever else they put in alongside a single shriveled tobacco leaf scraping.