*TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF-HARM IN THIS CHAPTER*

A few weeks went by, and Haymitch and I fell into a routine; wake up, go for a jog through the town square, take turns in the shower while the other person ate breakfast. Then we would each discuss our trauma, what plagued us and our regrets. We would give each other advice and discuss ways to process, then we would cuddle on the couch and watch a movie and then spar in the backyard. After sparring would be dinner, then curling up in bed together and talking until we fell asleep. Everything was going smoothly, Haymitch and I were bonding and recovering from our Snow-based traumas. He was down to one drink a day, just to curb the withdrawals. Neither of us had a nightmare while we were snuggled up in bed. It was…normal. What was different though, was that Haymitch hadn't kissed me since he told me that I could be used against him.

"Haymitch, I have a question for you" I said as I poured the milk over my cereal.
"Hm?" he mumbled through a mouthful of toast.
"It's been two months, and you haven't kissed me. Why?" I asked, sitting across the table from him. He pat his mouth with a napkin and cleared his throat.
"There's so many guys out there that would be better for you" he started and I scoffed, earning a stern look of annoyance.
"Haymitch Abernathy, you are so thick-headed" I grumbled, shaking my head.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me" I returned, sitting forward in my chair. "I chose you, despite the things I've heard and seen. I know you're a good person and I care about you" I told him. He sat back in his chair, staring at his plate.
"I'm not a good person, I'm a failure. I failed to save Maysilee, I failed to save Ampert, I failed Luella and Lou-Lou, I failed my mother and Sid, and most of all I failed Lenore. I'm a failure and I hurt everything I touch" he told me, his grief and pain written all over his face. I reached a hand across the table, "I hurt you, Blue. I hurt you and I can't forgive myself, because I know I'm only going to keep hurting you" he continued, his eyes finally meeting mine.
"You are unbelievable" I snarled, standing from the table and taking my bowl to the sink. I could feel Haymitch stand and walk up behind me, so I pulled the ring dagger from the pocket of my shorts and turned, holding it to his throat.
"Whoa" Haymitch gasped, raising his hands in surrender.
"Where and when did you get this dagger?" I demanded. I'd never asked about the dagger when he slid it to me to use against Snow.
"I got it the day after I sliced your face, so you could defend yourself against me if you needed to" Haymitch replied. I looked him up and down before lowering the dagger slightly, it was resting slightly above his heart now.
"I don't need protection from you, Hay. You're the only person I feel safe around" I snapped, "so you pulling away…it hurts" I confessed. "It feels like a dagger to the heart" I breathed, the dagger piercing his shirt. Haymitch cradled my face in his hands, making me look into his eyes. When he saw the tears welling, he pulled me closer.
"You mean everything to me, Blue" he breathed, resting his forehead on mine, the dagger still between us. "I love you for all the reasons that I thought I'd hate; the most important being that you call me out on my shit. You don't let me be an asshole to you" he chuckled, then kissed my forehead.
"You're always an asshole" I breathed, making us both chuckle.
"We gonna acknowledge that-"
"That you just said you love me? Oh, definitely" I smiled teasingly. He smiled and pressed his lips to mine for a brief moment before stepping back.
"Now we're even" Haymitch said, looking down at his chest. He was bleeding on his chest, the knife had nicked him. I flicked open his button-down shirt to assess how badly I'd hurt him. I hadn't meant to, he'd stepped into it. "Hey, Blue, stop. I'm okay" he promised, taking my hands in his. "Just a scratch" he smiled. My eyes glanced lower to a much larger scar across his abdomen.
"Haymitch" I breathed, and he released my hands, realising what I was seeing for the first time. He'd always worn a shirt around me, I didn't realise why until now.
"From the arena. She had an axe and she knew how to use it" he whispered. My fingers trailed along the scar before I met his eyes.
"So when I leant on your stomach to wake you…" I trailed off.
"My head went back to the arena" he nodded.
"The axe rebounded off the force field, it killed her" I remembered. I'd seen Haymitch collapse as the axe sailed past his head. He'd won because he was passing out from blood loss.

After cleaning and dressing Haymitch's cut on his chest, we curled up in bed instead of on the couch.
"I love you too" I whispered as we stared at the sunset through the window. I hadn't said it back downstairs, but I knew I loved him already. Haymitch was kind, loyal and protective. He'd been trying to save people, and he blamed himself when they died. Maysilee wasn't his fault, Ampert wasn't his fault, Luella wasn't his fault, Lou-Lou wasn't his fault, Willamae and Sid weren't his fault and neither was Lenore. I could feel Haymitch smiling against my temple.
"You do?" I turned in his arms to face him and nodded.
"I do" I smiled. His hands cradled my face as he guided my lips to his. It was like a dam had broken, his lips were firm and his tongue swiped the seam of my lips, demanding entry. I let him lead the kiss as he guided me to straddle his waist so I was closer. My fingers tangled in his hair as I killed him back, intending to show him how much he meant to me.
"I love you, Blue" he smiled then resumed kissing me. His lips trailed down my jaw, and then my neck, causing a shiver. "Cold?" he asked, his brows furrowed. I shook my head.
"No, that just felt really good" I admitted, a blush creeping up my cheeks. Haymitch grinned, kissing that same spot that left goosebumps in it's wake. Haymitch seemed to like my reaction to what he was doing, and I could feel him growing hard beneath me. I gently pressed against his chest and he stopped his trail of kisses to cradle my face.
"Do you want me to stop?" he asked, his eyes searching mine.
"I've never…done this before" I admitted.
"We can just keep kissing, nothing else has to happen" he promised, tucking a loose hair behind my ear.
"But you…I can feel that you want more" I told him. He chuckled and then shrugged.
"I can deal with that myself later. I just want you to be comfortable" he assured me. I wriggled on his lap and he hissed, closing his eyes. "Stop moving, Blue" he gasped out, his hands moving to hold my hips still. I immediately froze and stared down at him in panic, thinking I'd hurt him.
"Sorry" I whispered. Haymitch chuckled again, watching me with curious eyes.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. I just…you wriggling felt a little too good" he smiled.
"Oh" I breathed, blushing beet red. Haymitch laughed at my innocence.
"Listen, how about we stop for the night?" he offered, "we can kiss some more tomorrow" he smiled, then kissed my nose.
"Okay" I nodded, climbing off his lap and curling into his side.
"By the way, Blue" Haymitch started as he played with my hair, "I haven't had sex either" he admitted. My head shot up and I frowned at him in confusion.
"But Lenore?"
"We never got that far, we were only sixteen, barely sixteen" he reminded me.
"You don't kiss like a virgin" I commented, laying my head back down on his chest. I felt him chuckle and smiled.
"I have lots of kissing experience, just not the other stuff" he replied.

The next morning our routine resumed, however there were now sporadic kisses when doing daily tasks like cooking or cleaning. Sparring became much more intimate and our jog through the town square had a few people staring. Haymitch, now almost sober, was brighter than I'd seen since before he was reaped. We rounded the corner, heading back towards Victor's Village when we were stopped by a Peacekeeper.
"You two, come with me" he snapped. I looked to Haymitch in confusion, but he looked just as baffled as me.
"What's this about, officer?" he asked politely, not wanting to cause problems.
"President Snow wants to see you" he replied, then aimed his gun toward me, "move" he snapped. Haymitch moved between me and the gun, his hands raised to show he meant no harm.
"Put the gun down" he requested, "we'll come peacefully." The Peacekeeper motioned for us to move and led us to an aircraft. Once we'd boarded, we were taken to the Capitol and led to Snow's office.
"Welcome back, Miss Baird. Mister Abernathy" Snow smiled, motioning for us to sit down in the chairs opposite him. I sat down with Haymitch to my left, covering my weaker side. My dagger securely in the waistband of my tights.
"President Snow" I greeted blankly. I wasn't sure why we were here, but I guessed it had something to do with us overpowering him at Haymitch's house.
"Now to why we're here" he smiled, taking a seat at his desk.
"What punishment are you doling out today?" I asked, awaiting his backlash. Snow smiled, eyeing me with curiosity.
"You two are dangerous together" Snow commented, "we can't have the risk of two Victors trying to overthrow the Capitol, so you two are to live in separate houses, and live separate lives" Snow explained. My jaw dropped and I looked to Haymitch, who was barely breathing, trying to maintain his composure.
"You can't do that" I breathed, turning my attention back to Snow.
"Oh, you'll find that I can, Miss Baird" Snow smirked tauntingly. I looked to Haymitch, who was glaring at Snow.
"Why?" Haymitch growled, startling Snow.
"Because you both tried to overthrow the Games, and I will not let that go unpunished. Now that I know you two care for each other, I know exactly how to ensure you don't try anything stupid again. So this is how things will go; you will live in separate houses, you will not acknowledge the other person's existence except for during the Games when you are mentoring your tributes. Willow, you will be sold to Capitol residents that wish to buy your time, or your body, and you will cooperate, or Haymitch will die by some unfortunate accident…maybe too much scotch one night and falling down the stairs" Snow threatened. I felt Haymitch go still beside me, trying to reign in his anger. I, however, was not that good at controlling mine. I stood, leaning over the desk to slap Snow across the face.
"I will never be bought by any of the lowlife scum that live here. I don't care if I have to carve it on my skin to make myself undesirable" I snapped. My head spinning to the right as Snow slapped me back.
"Looks like you already have a scar" he roared back, "that can be fixed" he muttered.
"Can this?" I grabbed my dagger from my waistband and pressed the point into my wrist.
"Blue…" Haymitch gasped. Snow's eyes widened, then he slowly smiled.
"Do it" he dared me. "Then I don't have to worry about either of you" he smirked. I realised my mistake, but I'd already committed to cutting myself. I raised the dagger from my wrist to my face, aiming to punish Snow in the only way I could.
"Fix this, bitch" I snarled, then sliced down the same line that Haymitch had originally caused, but this time, deeper. I wanted a gnarly scar that would not be able to be fixed. I wanted to ensure I would never be passed around like a pretty little doll. I would make sure I was as disgusting as possible to the naked eye. Creating a deeper scar would take away Haymitch's guilt as well, this scar would be of my own making. I will never be a Capitol toy.

Author's Note: *gulp* Willow is braver than I am! I'm excited to write what happens next, but alas, work and sporting commitments tomorrow, so update will be the following day (Friday). Much love! Xx