The dryer broke last week and we spent many days figuring out how to fix it and clean the thing out. It works again now but its also like 19 years old so we're on borrowed time before we have to deal with the horrors related to getting a new one. The moral of the story is to never FAFO with dryer vents for 20 years by not cleaning them out.

Anyway, while that was going on, I was going through my tumblr posts for things to crosspost over to pillowfort and found an old writing prompt I posted that was just dialogue and inspiration decided to kick in. So I've been spending the past few days writing this out as a stress reliever.

I've also been catching up on the whole Zur-En-Arrh thing and currently in the middle of Gotham War so y'know what Bruce deserves some dunking on.

Disclaimer: I don't own Batman. DC Comics does though.

This Cow Costume is Versace

By Bilbo-sama

Damian carefully crawled through the vents, hoping to reach his target. It had been a slow and tedious process because he didn't want anyone to be alerted to his presence.

If he could do that and then find his way out, then he will able to prove that he is better than that...interloper.

The reporter duo that arrived today...Father and his hanger-ons weren't concerned about them. They greeted Kent and Lane without question and then Father led the two away to a drawing room deep in the manor. It had alarmed Damian that his Father, the Batman, would do such a thing. What if his alleged associates had decided to betray and assassinate him? No one would be able to hear it happening especially since none of the other manor's occupants didn't follow after them.

Unless...it was a test?

And so the true heir to Bruce Wayne located the nearest vent and started his mission. As he crawled and climbed, he found signs that his father's strays have also done the same thing as well. It must have been done early on in their tenures because he doubts any of them could fit in the vents now. A few empty wrappers here and there. A box of granola bars with the letters 'JT' on the lid near the entrance to a bed room, the dust covering it proving that it hadn't been accessed in years. A text book titled 'ASL Basics' in one corner that Damian considered taking with him before deciding leaving it there. If he was to hide there someday then he might need something to pass the time.

Eventually, he started hearing sounds of conversation. His father's voice indicated he was still unconcerned with the reporters.

The future Batman located the path he needed to take in order to get closer and was rewarded with a vent that was in the ceiling to the room his father was in.

"...The Foundation's Summer Charity Ball theme is currently undecided," Father was saying, "but to be fair, we have five months to figure it out."

"Any ideas so far?" asked Lane.

"There have been suggestions to repeat themes used at least over a decade ago. However, if we do that then the arguments shift to which ones we should use."

How asinine, Damian thought. But why would Father waste his time on something so frivolous like that?

"I am personally leaning a little towards 1998's theme," said Kent.

"Ah yes," huffed Father in amusement, "cowboys."

"What a surprise," snarked Lane.

"I'm sure the guests will have a better understanding of the theme since then," added Kent diplomatically, also amused.

"Yes, of course," agreed Father.

Damian found himself doubting that it would be the case. He also had the urge to find out how badly that year's event went.

(Just so he wont embarrass himself and the Wayne Family's image, of course.)

The interview continued on. Damian found himself wondering if this was truly necessary. Surely the masses can get by knowing nothing about petty things (Batman) the Waynes have to concern themselves with?

(When Damian becomes the new head of the family, all reporters will have to deal with the scraps he gives them.)

At last the interview seemed to be ending and so Kent said, "So, off the record, I know officially it's been said that your latest kid just showed up at your doorstep one day with proof of being blood related."

"Yeah?" prompted Father.

Kent and Lane grinned. "Congratulations on figuring out how babies are made," started Lane. What?

"I knew you could do it, Bruce," added Kent.

Father sighed, "Well, to be honest, we suspect that Talia used an artificial womb chamber in the process."

Kent and Lane glanced at each other before looking back at Father, a strange expression forming on their faces. "So, unfortunately, it's still a mystery to me," Father added.

Damian blanched. Is...is father serious? Surely he would have figured out the mechanics of reproduction by now! Mother wouldn't have chosen such a incompetent partner to sire him.

(...Would she?)

Lane snorted before replying, "Ah. Well, you'll figure it out eventually."

"God I hope so," Father sighs rather over-dramatically.

Silence fell for a moment. All three adults in the room stared at each other until they burst into laughter.

Wait...was that a joke? Is this what Americans count as humor?

Damian doesn't get it. He doesn't want to.

His curiosity has been satisfied, however, and so he retreats.

Clark glanced up at the ceiling vent. The heart beat he had been hearing was retreating.

He waited until it was further away before saying, "Well, you're going to have your hands full with that one, Bruce."

"I am very aware," deadpanned Bruce who has been for the past month and a half.

"You should find a way to install smaller vents."

"It's enrichment for them."

"But -"

"Do you want to risk Alfred and/or the Gotham Historic Society's wrath by ripping up floorboards older than all of us?"

"...Ah," Clark concedes, "of course."

Was having a hard time working out an ending but know this because it refuses to be written out and included: Damian side-eyes Bruce for a few days and when Tim and Dick find out why they act as though not knowing about pregnancy and childbirth is a family trait for an hour before Bruce makes them stop.

In one possible future, Med Student Damian Wayne deadpan announces after a round in the OBGYN ward that he has solved the mystery that has been plaguing his family for decades. None of his coworkers are sure if he's being serious or not.