The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Sequelitis Month: The Revenge is still going on and Sean the Mayhem Critic is going to do another Top 11 countdown, and this time it's for the worst sequels of all time. Which ones made the list? Which ones made people upset the most? Well, let's take a look and find out. So sit back, relax and enjoy… matter of fact, get yourself some alcohol, because you're gonna need it. This is the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources.
Sequelitis Month: The Revenge Part III: The Top 11 Worst Sequels
(The episode opens with the "Sequelitis Month: The Revenge" title card)
Announcer: What time is it? It's sequel time!
Sean: (V/O) When will it end?!
After the intro ends, the episode opens on our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch in his man cave, making a facepalm and looking depressed before he turns his attention to the camera.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said in a low voice which sounds like he's almost mumbling. "I'm sorry if I'm not my happy-go-lucky self, but seeing how we did the Top 11 Best Sequels of all time, I guess that it's time for me to take a look at the Top 11 Worst. And I am so not ready!"
(Clips of movie sequels from the MC's "Top 11 Best Sequels" are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) In the world of cinema, sequels are often a double-edged sword. While some can elevate the original story to new heights, others fail to recapture the magic, leaving audiences disappointed.
(Cut to some of the worst movie sequels)
Sean: (Narrating) Not only these sequels fail at that, but they're a bigger punch in the nuts of annoyance.
"I know there are more bad sequels our there than good sequels, so let's go ahead and take a look at these horrible movies." Sean said.
(Clips of more sequels are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) We're going to take a look at how much the sequel disappoints the previous film or films. Also, the movie has to have been shown in theaters and come from a series that started with a promise. We're not going to count Direct-to-Video sequels. These are some of the movies I was rooting for them, we were all rooting for them. How dare they?! (A shot of Tyra Banks from America's Next Top Model, saying "I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you. How dare you?!") And we're gonna take a look at some of the Top 11 Worst Continuations of All Time.
"Why Top 11? Because if I did a Top 100, we would be sitting here for a long, long time! This is the Top 11 Worst Sequels!" Sean exclaimed.
(Cut to a shot of Rocky Lockridge from A 's Intervention crying. The title "The Top 11 Worst Sequels" is shown. This will serve as the interlude)
Number 11: The Godfather Part III
Sean: (Narrating) I'm putting this one low on the list because it is still an alright movie. It is still directed by Francis Ford Coppola and it has a couple of memorable lines:
Michael Corleone (Played by Al Pacino): Never hate your enemies. It affects your judgment./Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in./Never let anyone know what you are thinking.
Sean: (Narrating) Coming off the heels of two of the best damn movies of all time, this one was just painful to sit through. It had some great ideas, some subtle yet complex storytelling, but we get some over-the-top acting, over-the-top writing and some over-the-top kills. Not only that, but the writing gets pretty damn complicated. You have things like incest, controlling the Vatican Bank and even ties to the Pope. The Pope of all people! I know that the Mafia's big, but if they made a Godfather Part IV, they'll probably go after the porn industry.
"Yeah, I can see that happening in The Godfather Part IV." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) And let's talk about the kills in this movie. They're pretty good kills, but they are so over-the-top. When you look at the kills from the first two, they are creative. They felt real and chilling. But here, you have a helicopter taking out the elderly Mafia dons. Really? That's what we're resorting to? Suddenly, Coppola thinks that he's John Woo. And take a look at this asshole. He's trying to save his coat while everybody's getting shot at.
Albert Volpe (Played by Carmine Caridi): (While clutching his coat) My coat!
Vincent Mancini (Played by Andy Garcia): Forget your coat!
Albert Volpe: It's my lucky coat! It's my lucky coat!
(Volpe gets riddled with bullets and dies)
Sean: (Narrating) Screw your coat, dude! You can buy yourself a new one. And let's talk about the acting. I love some of the performances of Al Pacino, Talia Shire, Diane Keaton, Andy Garcia, Eli Wallach and Joe Mantegna, but the one performance that I didn't care for and I think that we can agree on this one: Sofia Coppola's acting. Yeah, Coppola has a tendency to put his daughter in his movies, but here, he gave her a starring role, and the results…
Mary Corleone (Played by Sofia Coppola): I really love him./I'm your little cousin./I love my family./No, Dad!
"Yeah, kinda wish that Winona Ryder got the part. And you know what, you can thank God that Sofia Coppola is a better director. In fact, here's a visual representation of Sofia Coppola's acting career." Sean said.
(A clip from The Godfather is shown as we see Sonny getting gunned down by gangsters at a highway toll booth)
Sean: (Narrating) Also, some of the lines are written badly, I mean, you could've done better with the writing. They make it sound like that this is how gangsters talk. This is an okay movie, but this is one movie that you can refuse.
(Interlude)
Number 10: Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers
(Cut to a shot of the posters for the different Halloween movies)
Sean: (Narrating) Halloween started off as one of the greatest horror movies ever made, but when the sequels were made, some were pretty good and some were just plain insane. After Halloween 4 was released, it was one of the best sequels of all time and we get the return of Michael Myers. And with bad Halloween sequels like Halloween III: Season of the Witch, Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers and Halloween Resurrection. And of course Rob Zombie's Halloween II and Halloween Ends, everyone would agree that Halloween 5 is the worst Halloween film ever. It is pure shit.
"And it's bad enough that this movie was released a year after Halloween 4. And that's a bad sign." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) There's everything wrong with this movie: you have Jamie Lloyd as a psychic kid, characters that we don't care about, Rachel getting killed off and replaced by Tina, the stupid comic relief cops and of course that Man in Black and the strange Thorn symbol on Michael's wrist. What the hell is up with that?! Also, I hate what they did with Dr. Loomis in this movie. They turned him into a complete asshole. That's really out of character for him. In fact, Donald Pleasence hated what they did to his character in the movie. And when I said that they made him an asshole in this movie, just take a look at what he does.
Loomis (Played by Donald Pleasence): (Picks up Jamie) You want her?
Jamie (Played by Danielle Harris): No!
Loomis: Here she is! Here's your little nice girl.
Jamie: No! No! No! No, no, no!
Loomis: Come and get her!
Jamie: Please, no!
"All that, and there were a lot of behind-the-scenes issues, and you have a Swiss-French guy directing an American horror film." Brian said. "Shit, when they started filming, there was no shooting script ready."
"Mind you that this movie was directed by the same guy who directed Omen IV: The Awakening." Sean said as the poster for Omen IV is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Halloween 5… this revenge is just plain horrible.
(Interlude)
Number 9: Exorcist II: The Heretic
Sean: (Narrating) When The Exorcist came out, the movie scared the living crap out of us. But when the sequel came out, we were asking the question: "What the fuck did we just watch?". Novelist William Peter Blatty and director William Friedkin didn't want to be involved with the sequel since they were in the midst of a lawsuit with the studio over profits from the first film. So, the film was under the direction of John Boorman, who was known for directing the movie Zardoz, which was pretty bad. The sequel did manage to bring back Linda Blair and Max Von Sydow, but there wasn't nearly enough to save the sequel. Hell, this movie was one of the strangest sequels ever to be made. It had some scary ideas, but no scary scenes. It just feels like a bad comedy. Hell, I would consider the original film to be a comedy. You can thank God that they made a better sequel. (A poster for The Exorcist III is shown) The power of Christ does not compel with this sequel.
(Interlude)
Number 8: A Good Day to Die Hard
Sean: (Narrating) Is there even a point to make a fifth Die Hard movie? I mean, they had like four in the bag and the fourth film was decent, even though it was slapped with a PG-13 rating. But when A Good Day to Die Hard came out, it sucked. Hell, I was waiting for another Die Hard movie after this one, but they didn't make it. Why? Because it sucked, that's why! Now granted, a lot of you were expecting Live Free or Die Hard to be on the list, but Live Free or Die Hard is Citizen fuckin' Kane compared to A Good Day to Die Hard.
"There! I said it! Live Free or Die Hard is a better sequel than A Good Day to Die Hard." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) I mean, we were happy that this movie was back to it's R-rated roots, but it didn't feel like it was rated R, it felt more like a PG-13. The violence looked like it was toned down. Why not make it PG-13 instead of R? What would've been a good sequel involving John McClane in Russia and teaming up with his son would've been a great idea, but it's just a bad dream. It's a shame that Bruce Willis retired from acting, if they made a sixth film, they would've had McClane's son facing off against terrorists just like his old man. A Good Day to Die Hard, more like A Bad Day to Die Hard.
(Interlude)
Number 7: Caddyshack II
"I-I-I'm at a loss for words. Did anybody ask for this? Huh? Anyone?" Sean asked.
(Clips from the original film are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Caddyshack was one of the greatest comedies of all time. It was the perfect comedy: it was hilarious and it was raunchy and I loved it!
(Cut to footage of Caddyshack II)
Sean: (Narrating) This one? I would like to break down someone's door with a fucking baseball bat! Imagine a version of Caddyshack without Rodney Dangerfield, Bill Murray, smokin' hot Cindy Morgan…
"May she rest in peace." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) …a single quotable line or even a single laugh. This is just as horrible. The only returning actor to appear in the movie was Chevy Chase. Hell, he's joined by Robert Stack, Jackie Mason, Dyan Cannon, Jonathan Silverman, Randy Quaid and Dan Aykroyd. Really? Dan Aykroyd of all people! The premise of the first film was "slobs versus snobs". This one is about a millionaire buying the country club and turning it into an amusement park. God, nothing can save this movie. Not even the gopher would save the movie. Yeah, they ruined the gopher. They have him talking in the movie. The gopher is not supposed to talk! If the first film is a hole in one, then this film is a mulligan.
(Interlude)
Number 6: Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
Sean: (Narrating) Star Trek has had an interesting history. The odd numbered ones tend to piss people off, with the exception of The Search for Spock and Star Trek: Generations, they were pretty good. The even numbered ones tend to be pretty good, except for Star Trek: Nemesis. Star Trek V was one of the worst. With the movie under the direction of William Shatner, you'll probably think that this is a good sign. But it's not. The villain was good, but his plan was pretty stupid, which involves him traveling to the center of the universe to search for God. I'm not joking. This movie faced tons of criticisms for it's weak plot, uneven scripting and of course some bad special effects. The visual effects for the Star Trek movies were pretty good and well done. In this one, it just feels like it's made for TV. Not to mention some stuff that felt out of place like that cat lady with three tits and of course Uhura doing a naked fan dance. Oh, God! That was horrible to watch. I'm thinking that Shatner was trying to stroke his ego while directing this movie. This is one of the worst Star Trek movies of all time and this was the one that almost killed the franchise.
(Interlude)
Number 5: Jaws: The Revenge
Sean: (Narrating) God, I have a personal bone to pick with this one! Out of all of the Jaws sequels, this one was the worst. And I thought Jaws 3D was bad because of it's lame 3D effects. This is a film that defies logic, good taste and basic marine biology. What I find pretty dumb is the idea of sharks getting revenge. How is that even possible? It has some of the worst writing, the worst acting and the worst effects. Hell, it makes me not afraid of the shark.
"This movie cares so little that they have a shark that has a voice box." Sean said.
(A clip from the movie is shown, where we see the shark roaring after Mike sets off a device)
Sean: (Narrating) Really? A shark that roars! How the fuck is that even possible?! Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's that special kind of "I don't give a shit." In this one, the shark goes after Ellen Brody's youngest son and kills him. Again, how is it possible for a shark to get revenge? Why call it "Jaws: The Revenge" if the shark kills a different person instead of a member of the Brody family? And to top it all off, you have Michael Caine in the movie. My God! Yeah, Michael Caine is in the movie and he plays Ellen Brody's love interest. I mean, what was he thinking starring in this abomination like this one? Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water… you realize that it is, because this revenge plot is just stupid.
(Interlude)
Number 4: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Sean: (Narrating) Okay, even though it is still an Indiana Jones movie, it had some great ideas. I love the fact that it takes place during the 1950s and the Soviets are the bad guys in this movie. It does have some pretty legit cool scenes and some pretty good thrills and seeing Harrison Ford donning the fedora once again was pretty good return. But it had some pretty questionable moments. Like why are we seeing aliens in an Indiana Jones movie. Yeah, aliens. We went from the Ark of the Covenant to the Holy Grail to aliens. Yeah, aliens. And let's talk about the "nuking the fridge" scene… yeah, that was pretty ridiculous. We can all agree on that. Now, I know that there are some people out there that are expecting to see Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny on the list, but I know that there are some people that didn't care for this one. I liked Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, despite of it's flaws. This is one movie that would make people wish that killer ants would just eat them alive right about now.
(Interlude)
Number 3: Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
Sean: (Narrating) Just when you thought that Superman III was the worst, but Superman III is a masterpiece compared to Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. This movie is supposed to be about stopping the threat of nuclear war. I'm sure it was a pretty good idea that sounded good on a piece of paper, but how they executed it… uh… they don't know how to make any strong message about the subject. But instead, this movie went with the worst writing, worst acting and the worst effects ever. They literally use the same clip of Superman flying several times. Why? Because Cannon Films are a bunch of cheap assholes! And just like Jaws: The Revenge, they suffer from a case of "I don't give a shit" when this movie has a scene involving a human being taken into outer space and she is able to breathe. Are you serious?! There's also a villain that was created by Lex Luthor called Nuclear Man, who is a combination of Lex Luthor and Superman's DNA. Plus, most of the film involves Superman and Nuclear Man fighting. For a movie involving getting rid of nuclear weapons, they sure do beat the shit out of each other. What point of calling it The Quest for Peace if there's no peace involved?! What was the message that you're trying to get across? Do you not realize that getting rid of weapons could lead to more destruction? It's a shame that this was Christopher Reeve's final outing as the Man of Steel, but I can tell you this, this movie deserves to be tossed into the sun.
(Interlude)
Number 2: Batman & Robin
Sean: (Narrating) We've seen Batman go through being a goofy superhero of the 1960s, to being a dark, brooding hero and I grew up with the serious Batman with it's dark tone. So, how the hell did we end up with goofy? Nobody wants to see our favorite superhero being goofy. We want to take him seriously. We all know how bad this movie is, it's a total disaster. This whole movie is one big insult to one of the greatest superheroes of all time. You have George Clooney playing Batman and he's not even a good Batman, he's just being George Clooney. And to top it all off, you have Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze, a villain that we took very seriously in Batman: The Animated Series. We can't take him seriously in this movie because he's played by Arnold Schwarzenegger and he whips out ice puns up the wazoo! Way to ruin one of my favorite villains. Same with Bane. How can you make a menacing villain like Bane not so menacing? And of course, you have the…
(The infamous Bat-Credit Card is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) That. I can take Batman, Batman Returns and Batman Forever seriously, but not this one. This movie is unbearable to watch. All I can say is… this movie is one big bat-bomb.
"Now before we get to number one, here are a few runners-up." Sean said.
Runners-Up
X-Men: The Last Stand
Spider-Man 3
Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III
The Transformers Sequels
The Neverending Story 3
Robocop 3
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
Sean: (Narrating) And the number 1 worst sequel of all time is…
Number 1: Highlander II: The Quickening
"Oh, yeah. I said it. I mean, how can it not be?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Not only that this is the worst movie ever made, this is the worst sequel ever and Highlander has a track record of bad sequels that made us wish that the first film was the only film made. It does everything that a horrible sequel does: bad acting, bad writing and bad effects, and of course, it has the biggest punch in the gut reveal ever about where the Highlanders come from. In fact, this reveal pissed off fans of the original film. Highlander is supposed to have an epic feel to it, but when I sit down to watch the sequel, I was confused with what the hell I was watching. I have seen reviews of the movie on YouTube and people ripping this movie a new one, I can tell that this movie is really bad. You have a villain that sucks and you have the return of Sean Connery's character. Yeah, his character is back after getting his head chopped off by Clancy Brown's character. Now, there are different versions of Highlander II with better effects and they got rid of that little reveal, I mean, it helped the movie a bit, but there's no way in saving this movie. If this sequel pissed you off, then it'll make you with that there can be only one.
"And that was the Top 11 countdown. Are there any horrible sequels that I've missed? Well, feel free to let me know in the comments, and make sure you tell me that you survived watching them. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, and I need a drink." Sean said as he got up from off of his couch and left his man cave.
And that's another chapter of The Mayhem Critic. So, what did you think of my picks for the Top 11 worst sequels? Are there any horrible sequels that I've missed? Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean reviews Sonic the Hedgehog 2, the sequel to the smash-hit. Is it a worthy sequel? After the review of Sonic the Hedgehog 2, it's the review of Gremlins 2: The New Batch. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. If you would like to do a co-review of Sonic the Hedgehog 2 or Gremlins 2: The New Batch, feel free to PM me if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.