The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. First off, I would just like to say when you leave a comment on my story, please be respectful and don't be rude. I will not tolerate bullying. I'm saying this because someone left a rude comment on my story and was being a troll by bullying me into taking this story down. Comments like that will get you reported and blocked. This is Fanfiction. We have a right to show our creativity, using our imaginations, having fun. That's what us fanfiction writers are supposed to do. So please, no bullying and be respectful to others. If anyone is bullying you, come talk to me and I will help you out. Thank you. And second, it's update time! In the last chapter, Sean the Mayhem Critic and his friend Brian reviewed the 1983 Disney short Mickey's Christmas Carol, which happens to be one of the best adaptations of all time. Today, we're gonna move on to another Christmas movie that is called one of the worst Christmas movies of all time. And that movie happens to be Disney's I'll Be Home for Christmas. Will we find any merriment in this mess? Spoiler alert: no, we will not. So sit back, relax and enjoy the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. I'll Be Home for Christmas is owned by Walt Disney Pictures and Mandeville Films.
Episode 230
I'll Be Home for Christmas
(The Mayhem Critic intro is shown. After the intro ends, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting in his living room instead of his man cave, working on his updated list of holiday wishes on his laptop)
"Okay, time for Sean J. Archer's Holiday Wishes 2024. "If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be that all the children in the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace." No, wait. Scratch that. "My first wish for the holiday season would be a threesome with porn star Maitland Ward and my girlfriend…" No, wait. "A foursome with my girlfriend and porn stars Maitland Ward and Anna Claire Clouds." Perfect! Just perfect. It'll be better than my last wishes." Sean said as he types away at his laptop. The young critic continues to work on his holiday wishes until his started to ring. He stops what he was doing and answered the phone. "Hello?"
(We cut to a high school student on the phone named "Chad McDouche", played by Chad Knight from Up All Knight with Chad Knight)
"Hey, Seany! It's your good pal, Chad McDouche!" Chad said.
"Oh, God. Not you. Do we have to?" Sean asked while he rubbed his temples in disgust.
"What?" Chad asked.
"Look, you're a character that ties into the review of a movie that I'm reviewing and you're going to make my life miserable. So, just get it over with." Sean said.
"Hey, I'm just your loveable everyday '90s high school student a-hole. Zach Morris ain't got nothin' on me." Chad said.
"And you're coming home for Christmas, aren't you?" Sean asked.
"Yeah. How did you know that?" Chad asked.
"Because that's the topic of today's review. You, my friend, are the visual representation of jerks." Sean said.
"That's because everyone loves jerks! And you wanna know something? I'm coming to your place for Christmas!" Chad exclaimed.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold it, now! There's no need to come over to my house." Sean said.
"Hey, you and Taylor need some time with McDouche!" Chad exclaimed.
"No, we don't! Don't you dare!" Sean exclaimed.
"I'm coming over now. In fact, I even know where you live since I have my nerdy sidekick that I constantly bully track down your location." Chad said.
(We then cut to Dexter, who's playing Chad's nerdy sidekick)
"Am I getting paid for this?" Dexter asked.
"Don't worry, you'll get your money soon." Chad said.
"Are you sure?" Dexter asked.
"Uhhh… maybe." Chad said.
"Oh…" Dexter said as he lowered his head.
"Well, see you soon, Archer! Better save me some of that prime rib!" Chad said as he ends the call.
"No, don't…!" Sean yelled out as Chad ends the call. "SON OF A BITCH!"
The young critic puts his phone down on the coffee table before turning his attention to the camera to start the topic of today's episode. "Jerks."
(We cut to various jerks from various shows and movies: Kilmonger from Black Panther, Archie Bunker from All in the Family, Buzz from Home Alone, Mr. Burns from The Simpsons, Billy Hargrove from Stranger Things, Otto from A Fish Called Wanda and Dr. Peter Venkman from Ghostbusters)
Sean: (Narrating) What is our fascination with jerks? Is it because jerks have been so popular over the years? Do we have a love/hate relationship with jerks? Or maybe we want to be just like them? Yeah, we have that one jerk that you just love to hate or you have that loveable jerk that you like. Either way, jerks are here to stay.
"Which brings us to today's movie, in which you have jerky character who's a heartthrob for teenage girls." Sean said as a picture of Jonathan Taylor Thomas is shown. "Oh, yeah. We're gonna talk about him."
(Various pictures of Jonathan Taylor Thomas is shown, as well as some of his works while theme song from Home Improvement plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Yep, let's talk about Jonathan Taylor Thomas, also known as JTT, we all know him as the loveable smartass Randy Taylor on Home Improvement and he was my favorite character. He can be both loveable and smarmy at the same time. Also, he was the voice of Young Simba on The Lion King. Back then, he was a teen sensation. JTT fever was running rampant. He also done other films like Tom & Huck and Man of the House, the one with Chevy Chase, not the one where Tommy Lee Jones is watching over cheerleaders. Anyway, JTT left Home Improvement around it's eighth and final season to pursue his acting career and focus on his academics. Yeah, you only see Randy in three episodes of Home Improvement season eight. And when I said he was pursuing his film career, he did other movies like The Adventures of Pinocchio and Wild America.
"And we're gonna talk about his magnum opus that, how do I say it? Umm… sucked ass. It's this movie." Sean said as he point to his left as the poster for I'll Be Home for Christmas appears in the top left corner.
(The title screen for "I'll Be Home for Christmas" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the song "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" by N'Sync plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on November 13th, 1998 and released by Walt Disney Pictures, the movie was directed by Arlene Sanford…
"Has she ever directed anything good in her career?" Sean asked.
(The poster for Good Luck Charlie, It's Christmas! is shown)
"Okay, she gets a free pass on that one. But then again, this is the same director who directed A Very Brady Sequel. I'm pretty sure we're in capable hands." Sean said.
(More clips from the movie are shown)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie was listed as one of the "Worst Christmas Movies" on Rotten Tomatoes. Yeah, this movie wants us to be kind and generous to others, but you won't be getting it from me here, because I'm gonna rip it a new one. This movie bombed at the box office and there's no Blu-Ray release for the movie either. Yeah, I bet Shout Factory would release it on Blu-Ray. Who knows?
"But you know what? I have a habit to look over bad Christmas movies on my show, so let's not break tradition. Let's take a look at I'll Be Home for Christmas." Sean said.
(The movie starts with the opening credits, which is a map and an animated Santa hat bouncing around)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie begins with your typical '90s opening, where we see an animated Santa hat bouncing around the names of the actors and we get the title song…
(The song "Cool Yule" by Cherry Poppin' Daddies plays during the opening credits)
"Uh… that's the wrong song." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) That song doesn't even fit the opening credits. You should've played the song "I'll Be Home for Christmas" instead of "Cool Yule". Can you imagine them playing something else instead of "I'll Be Home for Christmas"?
(The opening credits are shown and instead of the song "Cool Yule", the dirty version of "Jingle Bell Rock" starts playing)
Singer: Stroke on my, lick on my, suck on my…
"HEY!" Sean screamed out a la Mel Blanc. "What? Is this going to be our running gag for Mayhem Critic Christmas?"
Sean: (Narrating) After the opening credits end, we open in Palisades College in Los Angeles, California. (The subtitle "PALISADES COLLEGE LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA" is shown) Thank you, movie. Thank you for letting me know what school this is instead of acting like a fucking idiot. We're introduced to our main character Jake Wilkinson, played by Jonathan Taylor Thomas, approaching his nerdy friend Ian's locker to help him out of his locker. But first, he needs something from him.
Jake (Played by Jonathan Taylor Thomas): Did you get my mail?
(Ian slips some envelopes through the slot in the door)
Jake: Math test?
(Ian slips the folded math test through the slot and Jake grabs it)
Jake: A-minus? All right, you made it look just good enough. You score me those backstage passes to Dave Matthews at the Coliseum?
(Ian slips some backstage passes to Dave Matthews Band through the slot)
Jake: (Grabs the passes) Oh, that's my man. All right, uh, 12… 32… Uh, what was that last number again, Ian? One hundred sixty-eight?
Ian (Played by Blair Slater): Fourteen, Jake. Fourteen.
"Am I inclined to like you, buddy? Because I feel like punching you in the face right about now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ian, played by Blair Slater, is freed from his locker and he tells Jake that Eddie Taffet and his goon squad locked him in there because they're pissed off at them about the fake I.D.s that they sold to them. But don't worry, Jake will deal with them. But first, he has to go to the girl's dorm to meet with his girlfriend, but her roommate won't let him pass. Hmm, I'm guessin' she saw Wild America.
(Allie's roommate, Sierra, is blocking the door to keep Jake from entering)
Jake: Ah, zone defense, huh? Guess I'm not gonna be able to get in unless… (Jake holds up some cherry-flavored crunch bars and Sierra sees them) What's this?
Sierra (Played by Sarah May): Cherry crunch?
Jake: Would I bring you anything else?
(Sierra takes the cherry crunch bars and goes back inside the dorm room while trying to eat them. Jake follows her in)
Jake: Sierra, I'm sure that tastes good here, but I bet it would taste even better someplace else. Shoo-shoo.
"Come on, I'm trying to get some action from my smokin' hot girlfriend. I don't need you in here trying to cockblock me." Sean said, imitating Jake.
Sean: (Narrating) Jake surprises his girlfriend Allie Henderson, played by Jessica Biel before she got Timberlaked, and Jake tries to work his charms on her.
Allie (Played by Jessica Biel): What are you doing here?
Jake: Well, you always said you wanted to see what it would be like to wake up next to me.
Allie: Ooh, good line. Premeditated or spontaneous?
Jake: Oh, totally off-the-cuff. I was inspired by the lovely sight of you drooling on your French book.
"Oh yeah, very charming." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But she turns down his charms as she realizes that she gotta study for her final. So Jake decides to turn up the charm by telling her that it's snowing outside, but it turns out to be one of his wacky schemes when Ian is using a box to shake fake snow to make it look like it's snowing and Allie is impressed.
Allie: It's a white Christmas, just like home.
Jake: And here's a little Christmas cheer. (Gives Allie a carton of eggnog)
Allie: Eggnog? My mother makes this from scratch.
Jake: And one more thing.
Allie: More? Do I detect an overage of niceness going on here?
"From him? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that he's bound to do something stupid." Sean said.
Jake: Two tickets to Cabo San Lucas. Christmas on the beach.
Allie: Amazing.
Jake: Well, I knew you'd be…
(Allie slaps the tickets against Jake's chest and walks out the room)
Jake: …pissed.
"Dude, language. This is a Disney movie. There's no need for that type of language." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Allie gets ticked at Jake because she wants to spend Christmas with her family…
"Oh, God! Not another girlfriend that mentions the word "family" in every sentence. Please, I've learned my lesson from reviewing Surviving Christmas when I did that drinking game. I need to live." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, she wants all of the traditional things: a traditional Christmas with snow, stockings, eggnog and carolers. And of course, spending it with her family.
Allie: My mom and dad would be crushed if I didn't come home. And what about your dad…?
"Which father? Because he already ditched one at the moment." Sean said as a picture of Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor from Home Improvement is shown. "As for his other dad..."
(Cut to a clip from the 1994 animated version of The Lion King, where we see Scar throwing Mufasa into the stampede to his death. Mufasa screams while he falls to his death)
Young Simba (Voiced by Jonathan Taylor Thomas): NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
"Yeah, let's just say that his other father shuffled off the mortal coil." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jake and Allie's conversation gets interrupted when this douche by the name of Eddie Taffet, played by Adam LaVorgna, drives up and hits on Allie right in front of Jake.
Eddie (Played by Adam LaVorgna): Hey, Allie, what kind of perfume are you wearing today?
Allie: Excuse me?
Eddie: 'Cause I got three words for you: new car smell. And it would smell so good on you. Why don't you come in here and check it out, baby?
"Well, it's no surprise that this dude is going to play Mary Camden's boyfriend on 7th Heaven. He'll end up moving on to Lucy Camden next." Sean said.
Jake: Eddie, I got one word for you: Beemer.
(Eddie accidentally hits a Beemer while backing his car. The Beemer's car alarm goes off and a voice says "Stand away from the vehicle.")
Eddie: You've gotta be kidding me!
Sean: (V/O as Guy) You kumquat!
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Jake is busy packing his things and trying on some sunglasses, he gets a phone call from his father, played by Gary Cole, who is checking up on him and to see if he's coming home for Christmas. But, Jake isn't ready to come home because of his mother's death and his father getting remarried ten months earlier.
Jake's Dad (Played by Gary Cole): Look, I agreed to let you go off to school in California, but you haven't been home for the holidays since Mom died. I think it's time that we become a family again.
"Look, Dad. You know how Disney feels about mothers. Take a look at Bambi. It just goes to show that the House of Mouse doesn't like mothers." Sean said, imitating Jake.
Sean: (Narrating) Not only his father wants him home for Christmas, his new wife and Jake's stepmother Carolyn played by Eve Gordon, and his sister Tracey played by Lauren Maltby, all want him home. But then again, Jake tells him that he couldn't make it. So, his father has something even better to bring him home.
Jake's Father: Not even if I, uh… give you the Porsche?
(Jake's eyes lights up and a choir sings)
Jake: Excuse me?
(Jake fantasizes about driving down the road in his father's Porsche)
Jake: The Porsche? The 1957 Porsche? The same 1957 Porsche that we rebuilt by hand together with the kid glove interiors and the original paint? The 1957 Porsche?
Jake's Dad: I'll tell you what. If you're home by the time we sit down to dinner, 6:00 Christmas Eve, the car is yours.
"You see? A little bribe never hurts. Boy, Dr. Possible is a fucking enabler." Sean said.
Jake's Dad: We'll see you then.
Jake: Great. Bye. (He ends the call and grabs the framed photo of his father and his Porsche) You are mine, all mine.
Sean glares at Jake as Brian, who is playing Ebenezer Scrooge, enters the living room and sees Jake.
"Bah! What an asshole!" Brian/Ebenezer exclaimed.
"Yeah. I know. That dude's pretty bad." Sean said.
"And I thought that man from Surviving Christmas was much worse." Brian/Ebenezer said.
"Yeah. He's such an asshole." Sean said.
"Such an asshole." Brian/Ebenezer said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jake agrees to come home for Christmas after his father bribes him with his Porsche and Carolyn is a little concerned about what he has done.
Carolyn (Played by Eve Gordon): Okay, uh, he cashes in the tickets and you offer him a bribe? Do you see anything wrong with this picture?
Jake's Dad: Yeah, yeah, I do. But…
Carolyn: But what?
Jake's Dad: Jake's coming home for Christmas.
(They both laugh and Mr. Wilkinson kisses Carolyn and hugs her)
"Am I the best dad ever or what?" Sean asked, imitating Mr. Wilkinson.
Sean: (Narrating) Jake tries to patch things up with Allie after he cashes in his two tickets to Cabo for two tickets to New York and tries to convince her to come home with him for Christmas. Which she does because they both live in Larchmont, New York. Guess they both applied for the same out-of-state college as well.
Allie: So, why the sudden change of heart?
Jake: Well, I guess you kind of got to me with all that sentimental family stuff.
Allie: Oh, well, I'm glad to see you're coming around.
Jake: Hey, if you don't have family, what do you have, right?
"A nice, shiny red Porsche to drive around in. God, you're such an asshole." Sean said with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) Later, we see that Jake is helping out some of the jocks cheat on their midterms by giving Ian the answers to the test so he can page it to them. Yeah, I'm sure that using a pager is fine to use during a test. But that douchenozzle Eddie sees this and sabotages their little scheme, resulting in him being locked in his locker.
(We see that Ian is locked in his locker later on)
Ian: (Shouting) 13-32-14! Oh, man. (Starts pounding on his locker)
"And after that, we'll never see him again. I can assure you that this kid is dead." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to your typical college Christmas party with rave music, drinks and some Christmas cartoon. Jake talks about how excited he is about the Porsche, until Eddie and the Jock Straps show up to get some payback on Jake for screwing them over on their midterms.
Jake: Look, I'm sure there's some explanation for the. Let me make a couple phone calls.
(Jake tries to walk off, but the jocks stop him)
Eddie: Nah-ah-ah-ah. I think we're done explaining. Boys.
(Eddie and the jocks move in on Jake)
Jake: Aw, come on, guys. Fellas, fellas.
(The scene cuts to black. Then, it fades in to the next day)
"Okay, I can safely say that they killed Jake. I'm pretty sure that they killed him." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Everyone is leaving for home for the holidays and Allie is waiting for Jake to show up so they can both head home together. Looks like going home with Allie isn't going to happen because it turns out that Eddie and the jocks drop Jake off in the middle of a desert in a Santa outfit, complete with the hat and a beard glued to his body.
Jake: (After waking up) Oh, God, I wish I were dead.
"That's what we all wished for your character. I mean, seriously, couldn't they just kill him instead?" Sean asked.
Suddenly, Sean's phone rings again, he rolled his eyes and sighed before he answers it.
"Hello?" Sean asked.
We cut to Chad, who is seen wearing a Santa hat and a beard while he's out in the middle of nowhere while trying to hitch a ride.
"Hey, broseph. Yeah, minor setback here." Chad said.
"Why am I not surprised? What happened?" Sean asked.
"Well, it turns out that I cheated a bunch of jocks on a little deal, so they left me stranded in the middle of the desert and they glued the Santa hat and beard on me." Chad said.
"Wow… sucks to be you." Sean said.
"Yeah. I really hope that it isn't Gorilla Glue that they used on me." Chad said.
"Well, I'm guessing after all of that, you probably learned your lesson." Sean said.
"Nope! I still got a bunch of schemes to use in order to get home. Hell, I'll be screwing some people over along the way while I get home to you." Chad said.
"What?! Wait, no!" Sean yelled out.
"In fact, I've accepted a bribe from my family, lied to my girlfriend and left my geeky sidekick locked in a locker, all before leaving." Chad said.
"I just want to punch you right now." Sean said.
Chad hears a car horn honking at him and gets ready to hitch a ride.
"Hey, there's my ride. I got so much of my jerkiness to spread. Talk to you later." Chad said as he ends the call.
"Why, God? Why are you doing this to me?" Sean asked.
(Jake sees a vulture approaching him, it screeches at him)
Jake: I said I wished I were dead.
"Uh, vulture. That's the wrong guy. I think you were going for Zachery Ty Bryan. He already ruined his career." Sean said as Zachery Ty Bryan's mugshot is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Jake sees that Eddie and his Goon Squad left a note on him and he starts his trek home while walking through the desert with a vulture following him.
(The vulture follows Jake as he starts walking. Jake stops and looks at the vulture)
Jake: Sit. Roll over. Die. Hmm.
(Jake keeps walking as the vulture keeps following him)
"Okay, I would love to see a road trip comedy involving Jonathan Taylor Thomas and a vulture following him. I would pay good money just to see it." Sean said, chuckling a bit.
(A fake poster featuring Jonathan Taylor Thomas and a vulture is shown with the title "Jake and the Vulture" is shown)
Sean: (Narrating) Back at Palisades College, Allie tries calling Jake, but has no luck. Until Eddie Dirtface tries to swoop in and offers to give her a ride home. What? Does he live in the same neighborhood as Jake and Allie?
Allie: The ultimate in irony. Seventeen academy kids are driving back east this winter, and I get a ride with you.
Eddie: Just the two of us, riding the crest of destiny's rainbow. Sharing, caring. A pair for the ages.
Allie: Okay, hold on. First, the ground rules. If you say too many stupid things like that, I'll have to slug you. If you say anything nasty about Jake, I'll have to slug you. If you try to feel me up, I'll have to slug you. If you make me listen to any sexist, racist or homophobic jokes, I'm gonna have to slug you.
"Sounds like the comments section in Fanfiction when somebody does something like that." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jake continues to walk through the desert while having the vulture following him, until the vulture sees a female vulture, so he decides to leave Jake and go for the nice piece of tail feathers. Then, Jake sees a gas station and tries to call Allie, but he gets her machine, so no luck there. Instead, he calls his family to let them know what's going on.
Tracey (Played by Lauren Maltby): (Answers the phone) Hello?
Jake: Tracey, it's Jake.
Tracey: Oh, hi. Where are you?
Jake: I'm in the middle of nowhere, dressed like Santa Claus, being attacked by a killer tumbleweed.
Tracey: Cool. (Chuckles)
Jake: (On the phone) Get me Dad.
Tracey: When did I become your slave?
Jake: The day you were born.
Tracey: Oh, right.
"Wow, Margie from Zenon was pretty accepting of that. That's pretty bizarre." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Tracey hands the phone over to her dad and Jake tries to explain what's going on.
Jake's Dad: Jake, you sound funny. Are you at the airport?
Jake: Well, I've had some setbacks, but if you wire me some money, I'll make it home for Christmas.
Jake's Dad: Just what kind of a bind are you in, Jake?
Tracey: He's in the middle of nowhere, dressed as Santa Claus, being attacked by a killer bumblebee.
Jake: That's tumbleweed.
"That sounds like an odd, yet funny Christmas episode of Courage the Cowardly Dog." Sean said. "I wonder if his father will believe him."
Jake's Dad: That is the worst alibi in a long line of bad alibis, Jake.
"Guess not." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, Jake's dad doesn't believe him, that's no surprise. And after he fails to get some help from him, an old lady approaches Jake to see what's wrong with him. Yeah, let's hope he doesn't do anything slimy to that sweet old lady.
Tom Tom Girl Darlene (Played by Natalie Barish): Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing. You're trying to get home for Christmas, and your father won't help you?
Jake: Ah, it's not that, it's just… (He lowers his head and fake cries) He's so worried about the operation. He's not thinking clearly.
Tom Tom Girl Darlene: "Operation"?
Jake: Yeah. The whole family chipped in and got him a triple bypass for Christmas. I sent home every last dollar I earned working as a shopping mall Santa. The operation's on Christmas Eve. And now I won't be home until the anesthesia wears off. (Continues to cry)
"Oh, you slimy bastard. You slimy, rotten bastard." Sean said.
Suddenly, we see Brian's brother Adam, who's playing The Grinch, entering Sean's living room and sees that he's watching I'll Be Home for Christmas.
"What a dirty, rotten bastard." Adam/Grinch said.
"Oh, hey Grinch. What are you doing here?" Sean asked.
"I'm just checking to see what's going on. And to say that this kid is a dirty, rotten bastard." Adam/Grinch said.
"Yeah, and I thought you was bad." Sean said.
"Such a dirty, rotten bastard!" Adam/Grinch exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) The old lady buys Jake's story and she offers to get him a ride home and since her and her friends are Tom Jones fangirls, they're heading to Vegas. So, he hitches a ride with the Golden Girls and he ends up getting miserable sitting in the car with them.
Jake: Could, uh… Could we crack open a window?
Tom Tom Girl Gloria (Played by Kathleen Freeman): You think it's funny how easily old people can catch pneumonia? You think that's a joke? Ha-ha-ha?
Jake: No. It's just I had a hard night, and I'm not feeling so well.
(Tom Tom Girl Mama falls asleep on Jake)
Jake: Hey, get out of there! (Pushes Mama away)
Tom Tom Girl Gloria: (Sighs) Darlene. Mama's teeth have fallen out of her mouth again.
Tom Tom Girl Darlene: Well, just wedge 'em back in, dear.
"Oh, my God. I can feel myself dying from this movie's bad humor." Sean said.
Tom Tom Girl Gloria: (Picks up Mama's teeth) Okay, Santa Claus. Make yourself useful and just put those right back in her mouth.
(Gloria hands Jake Mama's teeth)
Tom Tom Girl Mary (Played by Amzie Strickland): Uh, gherkins, anyone?
(Mary spills pickle juice on Jake)
Tom Tom Girl Gloria: Oh, for Pete's sake!
(Jake ends up vomiting on Darlene's purse)
Tom Tom Girl Gloria: Oh, well, that's lovely.
Tom Tom Girl Darlene: What happened?
Tom Tom Girl Gloria: Santa just yammied in your handbag.
(Jake continues to vomit)
Tom Tom Girl Gloria: There we go.
Sean just sits on his couch looking at the camera as he begins to check his pulse.
"Okay, I literally have no pulse. This movie just killed me with it's bad humor." Sean said as the screen turns to black and white a la Grand Theft Auto V. The young critic falls to the floor dead while the word "Wasted" appears on screen. Then, Taylor enters the room and sees Sean's corpse lying on the floor.
"Boy, the Grim Reaper's making sure that he gets a high body count before 2024 ends." Taylor said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jake gets his beard ripped off by Sister Mary Stigmata (Kathleen Freeman) and they kick him out of their car. So as he tries to hitch another ride, out of all coincidences, Jake spots Allie at a fruits and vegetables stand and when he sees Eddie with her, Jake tries to get some good 'ol fashioned revenge on him.
(Music from Terminator 2: Judgment Day plays as Jake tries to make it across the street. While he's about to get in the car with Allie, Eddie notices Jake in the Santa outfit)
Eddie: Oh, my God.
(Eddie runs to the car)
Jake: Allie!
Allie: What's wrong with you?
Eddie: (Starts the car) Uh, we gotta go. We're just way behind schedule.
(Eddie drives off with Allie)
Jake: Allie, wait! Allie! Stop! Wait!
(A clip from Cheers is shown)
Henri (Played by Anthony Cistaro): I'm going to steal your girlfriend!
Sean: (Narrating) Jake tries to hitch a ride, but has no luck. So, he walks to a nearby Christmas attraction to spend the night.
Jake: (To a Santa figure) Ho-ho-ho, Tubby. Secret fat man handshake. (Shakes the hand of the Santa figure) All right. You know, confidentially speaking, just between us Santas, don't you ever get tired of wearing this suit? I mean, every year it's the same suit. Red, red, red, red, red. (Sighs) I mean, does any guy really look good in red? I don't think so.
"As a guy, I say this: yes. Us guys look good in red. Red is my favorite color and I look good in red. Guys, if you want to get laid by your girlfriend on Christmas, then wear red. Or wear red often." Sean said.
Jake: (To the Santa figure) Got room in the sled for two? Thanks. I really appreciate it. You're a pal.
(Jake throws the Santa figure out of the sled)
"Okay, that was pretty disrespectful because that's not his property. You respect the Man in Red, asshole." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jake tucks himself in and sleeps in Santa's sleigh. We cut to the following morning as we see that Eddie and Allie stayed the night at a motel. Hell, he's even more of a slimebag than Jake, which makes me want to root for Jake.
(Allie leaves her motel room and puts on her sunglasses)
Eddie: Whoa! (Laughs) You're not so cute in the morning. I'm king of glad nothing happened.
(Allie gets offended and hits Eddie in the stomach)
Eddie: Ow! Y-You just slugged me.
Allie: As per our agreement.
"Yeah, he deserved that one." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Jake is busy sleeping like a baby, until he's awoken by…
(The Santa figure reaches out and prods Jake while he's sleeping)
Santa: Wake up, chief. Time to feed the reindeer.
(Jake wakes up and sees the Santa figure, until it's revealed to be puppeted by a maintenance man)
Jake: (Sighs) All right, I'm going. I'm going.
"Oh, thank God! Man, I thought that Santa was going to come to life and kill that kid. Don't ever do that to me, movie. You're trying to make me care for Jake when I'm supposed to hate his guts." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jake continues his trip when he tries to hitch a ride, in which he almost gets hit by a van being driven by this klutz who was busy trying to grab a tomato off the car floor. This is Nolan, played by Andy Lauer, who I recognize him from the NBC sitcom Caroline in the City. And I have to say, as much as I complain about this movie, Lauer is the best part of the movie and I find him to be pretty funny.
Nolan (Played by Andy Lauer): (Picks up Jake's boot and gasps) Thank God. (He then sees Jake lying out on the snow) Hang on, Santa. I'm coming. (Jumps over a beam and runs to Jake) I'm coming, I'm coming. I'm coming. Hold on, hold on. Oh.
(Nolan rolls Jake over)
Jake: Ow, ow, ow. Am I alive?
Nolan: Sir, I have never been happier to answer that question in my life. Yes, you are alive!
"You almost hit the kid with your car while fetching your tomato. Next time, keep your eyes on the road, dude." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But enough about Jake, as we check in on Allie and Eddie as they continue their travels down the road.
Eddie: Uh, Allie, can I ask you something?
Allie: Shoot.
Eddie: Uh, look, I'm a millennial type of guy.
"Did he just say "millennial"? No fucking way he just said that." Sean said.
Eddie: You know, I dig world music. I think freon should be banned. You know, I'm all about yoga and macrobiotic food. I mean, I'm in touch with my inner child, for God's sake.
Allie: Is the question coming before Ohio?
Eddie: Yeah, well, what I'm getting at is… what does Jake have that I haven't got?
"Well… nah. I can't say that. That'll get me in trouble. Let's move on." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Allie tells Eddie some of the chill things that Jake has done for her, especially that one time when she was feeling really down and he says this.
Allie: Jake took my hand in his and being really sweet he said, "Not even the rain has such small hands."
Eddie: "Not even the rain has such small hands"? What a nerd.
Allie: It's E.E. Cummings.
Eddie: Huh?
Allie: Poetry, Eddie.
Eddie: (Scoffs) And that gave you chills?
"Hell, serial killers are known to give you chills." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Jake is riding with Nolan, until he spots Eddie's Pathfinder driving right past them. (Sarcastically) What a coincidence.
Nolan: Who's that?
Jake: My girlfriend.
Nolan: No, kidding? All the way out here? (Chuckles) Wait a minute. A-Are you saying that's Mrs. Claus in that car with another guy? Mrs. Claus steppin' out on Santa? Letting some other guy down the chimney? Why, that two-timing ho!
"Only in a Disney movie where you hear a guy call a woman a "ho". Hell, that's not the first time I heard somebody call a woman a "ho" in a PG movie." Sean said.
(A clip from Sleepless in Seattle is shown)
Jonah Baldwin (Played by Ross Malinger): She's a ho! My dad's been captured by a ho!
(Cut back to the movie)
Nolan: Why, that two-timing ho!
"Aw, shit. Now, I'm thinking of what Frollo would say while seeing Esmerelda with Quasimodo during the climax of The Hunchback of Notre Dame." Sean said.
(A clip from The Hunchback of Notre Dame is shown as we see Frollo, who's armed with a sword, is looking for Quasimodo and Esmerelda until he sees them hanging on a gargoyle)
Sean: (V/O as Frollo) Why, you two-timing ho!
(Jake and Nolan chase after Eddie and Allie, until a cop sees Nolan's van speeding past him and he goes after them)
Sean: (Narrating) They chase after Eddie's car until a cop spots Nolan speeding past him. And since the cop car is right behind Nolan's van, Nolan starts to act a little nervous. Why? Because he has a bunch of stolen goods in the back of his van. Oy. Nolan pulls the van over and Jake comes up with a plan to keep them from getting arrested.
Jake: (Grabs the elf hat) Put this on, act like my elf.
Nolan: (Puts the hat on) Uh, all right. How do elves act?
Jake: I don't know. Happy.
Nolan: Happy.
(Nolan makes a goofy smile)
"Uhhhh, are you sure that this guy is not a serial killer? Probably check the back of the van just in case he has any body parts lying around." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jake and Nolan are caught by a cop for speeding and he tells the cop named Max, played by Sean O'Bryan, that they're delivering toys to the children's hospital in the next town. So, he escorts them to Red Cliff Hospital in Red Cliff, Colorado, and he even goes in with them to watch them hand out the goods to the children.
Jake: (To a little girl) Now, sweetie, this toaster is extra wide so you can get four bagels in there instead of the usual two.
Little Girl in Hospital (Played by Alexandria Mitchell): Okay. Thank you, Santa.
Jake: You're welcome.
Nolan: But, Santa, this toaster was already promised to a little cowpoke named Nolan.
(Nolan tries to take the toaster away from the little girl while she's still grasping it)
Jake: Hand it over to the kid, Snow Puff.
(Nolan lets go of the toaster as the little girl walks off with it)
Sean: (V/O as Nolan) Aw, man. I wanted to make four bagels with that toaster. Damn kid.
Sean: (Narrating) But then a little boy named Esteban… (A picture of Esteban from The Suite Life of Zack & Cody is shown) …not him, a little kid named Esteban, tells Jake what he really wants for Christmas.
Jake: What do you want for Christmas?
Esteban (Played by Mark de la Cruz): To go home. I want to be with mi mama, mi papa, mi hermana Maribelle, mi hermano Mario, Tio Carlos, y mi Tio Ramon, Tia Christina, Tia Maria, grandmothers and grandfathers and my dog, Zorrito. And have Christmas tree and lights and angels and Christmas cookies…
(Cut to Nolan, who's moved to tears while he's on the phone)
Nolan: With little red and green sprinkles on top and plum pudding… and Christmas carols and… Oh, Sugardoll, I miss you so much!
"Hello, Mom. I miss you already!" Sean said as he starts to cry. "I miss the prime rib that you always make for Christmas and the sweet potato casserole and let's not forget the…"
Suddenly, Sean looks at the camera and sees that he's being filmed.
"Is that camera still rolling? Turn it off. Now! Turn it off!" Sean yelled out.
Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, they're immediately moved to tears by a little kid who wants to go home. Also, don't you just love how Nolan just says that he doesn't want to fence stolen goods anymore right next to a cop who's on the phone?
Nolan: I don't want to fence stolen goods no more. I just want…
Max (Played by Sean O'Bryan): I just want to beg you to come home for Christmas.
"Wait a minute, honey. I'm gonna have to call you back. I just heard the guy standing right next to me mention something about stolen goods." Sean said, imitating Max.
Sean: (Narrating) Jake calls home and tries to talk to his dad or Tracey, but it's his stepmom. Oh, darn it! Out of all the people he's trying to call, he gets the smokin' hot chief of staff from The Powers That Be.
Carolyn: We are all so excited you're coming home. We've got the tree all set up. It looks great. And I've just been shopping and cooking and cooking and shopping. Speaking of which, your sweater size… Are you, uh… You're a 38, right?
Jake: Yeah, I guess.
Carolyn: Where are you now? Are you on your way home?
Jake: Yeah. Look, I gotta run. So, uh, you take care now. Okay?
Carolyn: Okay.
Jake: Bye.
Carolyn: Bye.
(Carolyn ends the call and sighs)
"Dude, I know that she was in that horrible Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves movie, but there's no need to treat your stepmother like this. Besides, it's not every day that you get to see Dr. James Possible married to Jordan Miller. I mean, come on. You could be banging your smokin' hot stepmom!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Nolan decides to go home for Christmas, leaving Jake behind, and now he's left with Max, who is having some marital issues with his wife Marjorie.
Max: She left me last month and, well, if I could just get her back home for Christmas, I know we could start again.
Jake: Why are you telling me this?
Max: She won't listen to me, but I got a hunch she might listen to Santa. See, if you walked into the restaurant where she works and asked her to forgive me, I know she'd come home.
"Oh, my God." Sean said while making a double facepalm from witnessing this moment. "So this is what happens when your movie is written by complete, mean-spirited morons."
Sean: (Narrating) Max mentions that Marjorie lives in Nebraska, since Jake is going that way, so…
Jake: What's the matter with you, man? You love her enough to marry her, but you won't take a little drive?
"God, you're a selfish bastard. I would just like to use your face as target practice for when I go to the gun range." Sean said until his phone starts ringing again. "Hold that thought. Let me take this call. It's probably someone who I'm gonna be using as target practice."
(We then cut to Chad, who is seen driving a car)
"Hey, Seany Boy! I've got some good news. I just stole a car." Chad said.
"Why am I not surprised?" Sean asked.
"I also stopped at a children's hospital, and I talked to a kid who's got cancer and he said he wanted to go home for Christmas to see his mom and dad." Chad said as sad music plays in the background.
"Oh, yeah?" Sean asked.
"Yeah. I feel really bad for the poor kid. He talked about how much he misses his family." Chad said.
"Wow, that's… that's pretty nice of you. I'm sure that you stayed with the kid." Sean said. "I'm proud of you, Chad. Very proud of…"
"Oh, wait. Actually, I burned down the children's hospital and I killed the cop and stole his police cruiser! Don't you just love how I do these things to make you not like me?" Chad asked.
"Oh, you sick bastard! You sick, horrible, selfish bastard! I just want to kill you with my bare hands!" Sean exclaimed, gritting his teeth.
"I know. See you in a bit, broski!" Chad said as he ends the call.
Sean drops his phone on the couch and looks at the camera before speaking. "I'm going to have to move after this."
Sean: (Narrating) While on their way to Nebraska, Jake asks Max what happened between him and Marjorie and what he did that made her so mad that she took a job in Nebraska. Let's just say that Max stayed out with an old girlfriend till 3:00 in the morning. So, Jake tells him if he could get him and Marjorie back together, then he'll buy him a bus ticket to New York, which he agrees. Meanwhile, Jake's dad is getting his Porsche nice and shiny for him when he comes home.
Carolyn: I hope he's gonna make it okay.
Jake's Dad: There is not an obstacle in this world that will keep my son from this car.
Tracey: Oh, my God! There's a scratch! There's a scratch!
Jake's Dad: Where?! Where?!
Tracey: (Smiles) Get a life, Dad.
"Wow, you care more about that car more than you care about your wife and daughter. If your family was held hostage by some German terrorists, which one would you choose? I bet it's the car. It's definitely the car. Asshole." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jake and Max arrive at the restaurant that Marjorie works at and he tries to get Marjorie, played by Leslie Boone respectively, to come home to Max. But, she's still pretty pissed off about what he did.
Marjorie (Played by Leslie Boone): After he kissed that tramp in front of everybody at Smitty's?
Jake: Well, I'm sure it was a friendly kiss, right? Like brother-sister.
"Try explaining that to the brother and sister from that Folger's commercial." Sean said.
Jake: Don't you think you should give Max another chance? I mean, maybe this is all just a misunderstanding.
Marjorie: He kissed her! How do you misunderstand that?
Jake: Well, I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you. You know, it's just like this other couple I know, who are all upset about a misunderstanding.
Marjorie: Oh yeah? What's wrong with them?
"He picked the wrong Camden sister." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Reasoning with Marjorie backfires on Jake and he wants Max to go in there to say something romantic to Marjorie. So, they head back inside and they enlist the help of a traveling band, for some odd reason, and he starts singing to her.
Max: (Singing uncomfortably to "O Tannenbaum") O, Marjorie O, Marjorie. I need to have you home…
"Oh, sweet Jesus lord in heaven." Sean said while making a facepalm.
Max: (Continues to sing) O, Marjorie O, Marjorie. I need to have you home. I'm sorry I was such an insensitive jerk that night….
"Jesus! He sings like the guy who butchered the National Anthem." Sean said.
Max: (Singing badly) I hope that singing this song will make everything all right.
Jake: You're not the only one.
Max: (Sings) O, Marjorie…
We cut back to Sean as we see him hitting his head on the table repeatedly from hearing Max singing badly.
Max: O, baby, O, baby. I'll make it up to you on the velvet skirt of the Christmas…
(A clip from the movie Bulletproof is shown)
Keats (Played by Damon Wayans): WILL YOU SHUT UP?! SHUT THE HELL UP!
Sean: (Narrating) Max and Marjorie get back together. Oh, good. That's one couple founded on adultery happy. He buys Jake a bus ticket to New York. Anyway, we check back in with another couple that's about to be based on adultery when Eddie and Allie have a little moment.
Allie: Out of all the planets in the universe, how is it that this is the only one that spawned intelligent life?
Eddie: Yeah. You know what I always wondered about?
Allie: What's that?
Eddie: How come more breakfast joints don't serve your food right in the skillet? Like Denny's. I mean, think about it. They give you your meat, your eggs, your spuds right in the pan. Man, that rocks! Or like when a homeless guy comes up to you and says he's the Messiah. And then he asks you for money, and you just want to walk away, but then you think to yourself, "What happens if he is the Messiah, and I'm just blowing the dude off?" Think about it.
Sean looks at the camera for a moment after being weirded out by Eddie mentioning his thoughts.
"Okay, um… what kind of weed are you smokin' that makes you ponder these things?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Jake stops at a bus station as he tries to remove the Santa hat from off of his head, but he figures that he should just go with it.
Jake: Check this out. Tell me what's better. (Sweetly) Ho-ho-ho, merry Christmas. (Heartily) Ho-ho-ho, merry Christmas! (Overly friendly) Ho-ho-ho, merry Christmas!
Little Boy at Bus Station (Played by Eric Pospisil): Well, the first one's good for really little kids, like my sister who's three. And the second one's good for big kids like my friends and me. And the third one's good if you want to scare people and watch them run away screaming.
Jake: Okay. Cool. Thanks.
Little Boy at Bus Station: Whatever.
"We got ourselves a little Santa critic here. This kid knows his Santas. He probably saw The Santa Clause." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Anyway, Allie and Eddie stop at that little Bavarian and they start getting closer. That is until Jake sees Eddie kissing Allie underneath the mistletoe on television.
(Jake sees Eddie kissing Allie on television)
Jake: (Enraged) I'll kill him.
"When I get my hands on Eddie, I'm going to rip a hole in his throat and suck his heart out and eat it!" Sean exclaimed, imitating Jake.
Sean: (Narrating) Jake gets on the bus and he tries to convince the bus driver named Conway, played by Rolf's voice actor Peter Kelamis, to take a small detour to Edelbruck after he saw his girlfriend kissing another guy, but the dude is impossible to convince. So Jake comes up with a plan, which involves some crayons, a cooler and a slab of meat that some guy bought, and says that it's a liver that needs to be delivered.
(The horror sting from Psycho starts playing as a slab of meat is soaked in barbecue sauce on top of ice is shown in a cooler)
Older Lady on Bus (Played by Betty Linde): We need to get to Edelbruck!
Conway the Bus Driver (Played by Peter Kelamis): Okay, everybody, sit down!
(A serviceman approaches Conway)
Serviceman (Played by Awaovieyi Agie): What the hell is wrong with you, man?
Conway the Bus Driver: Get behind the yellow line!
Serviceman: Don't give me your lip! I don't believe you, man. There's a little girl in Edelbruck that needs a liver transplant.
Conway the Bus Driver: We got a schedule to keep.
Jake: Schedule, schmedule.
"Really? Why don't you get a baboon's heart and surround it with diamonds and ice just like Koskov from The Living Daylights?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) They make it to Edelbruck and Jake heads to the hotel where Allie and Eddie are staying at to get to his girl.
Jake: Can you tell me if there's an Allie Henderson or an Eddie Taffet checked in here?
Edelbruck Clerk (Played by Manami Hara): I'm sorry, Santa. I'm not allowed to give out information on our guests.
Jake: Listen, Ma'am, I have a full plate of activities tonight, not to mention a pesky grinch who has kidnapped Mrs. Claus in an attempt to make my life miserable!
Edelbruck Clerk: I'm sorry, Santa, but that's policy.
(The Melt-O-Meter is shown as we see the arrow reaching to the red as Jake has a white-hot meltdown)
Jake: "Policy"? Policy does not apply to me! I override policy! (Pulls the clerk close by her lanyard) I want to know where my girlfriend is.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Take it easy, dude! If TruTV brought back World's Dumbest, then this would be a World's Dumbest Meltdowns clip." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But hotel security doesn't take it too kindly to their workers being threatened by Randy Taylor, so they throw his ass out. But then, Jake sneaks back inside and makes it to the room where Allie and Eddie are staying in as he prepares to deliver some (in his Batman-Robert Pattinson voice) vengeance.
Jake: (To Eddie) I saw her kissing you on TV, you dirtbag!
Allie: He got me under the mistletoe for two seconds. Big deal.
Eddie: It was more like five seconds, and they were good.
(Jake yanks Eddie's towel off of his body, his privates are blocked by a pitcher of orange juice)
(A clip from TruTV's World's Dumbest is shown)
Leif Garrett: Small penis alert!
Jake: How could you let that idiot give you a ride?
Allie: I thought you left me high and dry. What was I supposed to do, beam myself home?
Jake: Allie, I was stuck in the desert. I couldn't get to you. I had no choice.
(Allie sighs)
Allie: Okay, I forgive you.
"What?! You forgive him after all of that shit?! Are you serious?! Also, there was no apology from the both of you. He didn't apologize for leaving you high and dry and you didn't apologize to him for committing adultery. You two are horrible people. That's why you're perfect for each other." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But then, Jake screws up when he lets it slip that he has to be at home by 6 in order to win that car, which Allie doesn't take too kindly to the news.
Allie: Why do you have to be at home by 6:00?
Jake: What's that?
Allie: You heard the question. "Why do you have to be home by 6:00?"
Jake: Because that's when dinner will be ready?
(As he turns away, Allie yanks the Santa hat off of Jake's head painfully)
Jake: OW!
"Ooh, that was satisfying. Let's see that again." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(A loop of Allie ripping off Jake's hat is shown repeatedly)
"I could spend all night watching this scene because he got what he deserved. Plus, seeing him in pain makes me happy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Allie gets pissed at Jake because he mentioned his deal with his father. So, she leaves Jake because he cares more about the car than her.
Allie: You don't care about anybody but yourself. You're a manipulator and a liar.
Jake: I am not a liar.
(A clip from Pineapple Express is shown)
Dale Denton (Played by Seth Rogen): Bullshit!
Jake: No, wait, Allie. Give me another chance.
Allie: Why?
Jake: Because I care about you. You gotta believe me.
Allie: Santa, if you showed up on my doorstep in a one-horse open sleigh, I wouldn't believe you.
Jake: Allie, I'm sorry.
Allie: You know, I can't take fake remorse from a fake Santa making fake apologies. You might be a fake boyfriend, Jake, but you're a genuine butthole!
"Whoa! Language! This is a Disney movie, you bitch!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, so much for that romance. At least the real bromance begins when Jake rides with Eddie and they start to bond with each other.
Eddie: Oh, man, you know what? I gotta tell you, bro. I would have never thought I'd ever help you out. But after that massacre… Man, I just wouldn't be human.
Jake: God, I never thought I'd be driving home with you either.
"Bros before hoes. Am I right, guys?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) But Eddie changes his mind and drops Jake off. Why? Because he's a douchebag, that's why.
Eddie: I just can't do that much good stuff for another person, you know? It would be way bad for my rep.
Jake: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you talking about? I mean, what about that stuff you just said about being human, helping out another guy in need?
"I lied. I just said all that just because I'm a douchebag just like you." Sean said, imitating Eddie.
Sean: (Narrating) Eddie leaves Jake and we get the next fucking coincidence of the film. Jake's dropped off at a Santa 5K and the grand prize is $1,000. Let me guess, last place is to play as an extra in Reindeer Games. So the race begins and Jake is running among the Santas. You have some Santas falling over each other, a Kenyan Santa knocking himself into a sign. That is until one of the Santas slows down to give him a fair shot. Anyway, Jake wins the $1,000 and he sees Eddie getting arrested by the cops. Well, he got what he deserved. After Jake won, he learns that the Santa that he beat was the mayor, who donates his entire winnings every year to buy turkeys for people who can't afford him. And here, the movie is doing a little redemption arc for Jake as he stops by Mayor Wilson's home to donate the money to him.
"Well, that's nice of him. He's done one good deed in this movie, and most of the time he's doing bad deeds. I don't know whether to root for him or hate his guts." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jake calls Tracey to tell his father that he's not gonna make it home, but luckily, Tracey uses her savings to buy him a ticket home. That's nice of her. Jake makes it to the airport, but there's one problem: he doesn't have any photo ID on him. So, he won't be able to make it. But then he sees a dog kennel heading for New York and he stows away on it. Jake makes it to New York while his father worries about him not making it home.
Jake's Dad: Even a bribe couldn't get him home.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I think I've found the next best line in a Christmas movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) (Cut to a shot of A Christmas Carol) You have "God bless us everyone.", (Cut to a shot of It's a Wonderful Life) "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings." (Cut to a shot of Die Hard) and "Yippee-Ki-Yay, motherfucker". (Back to the movie) You now have "Even a bribe couldn't get him home."
Jake's Dad: Even a bribe couldn't get him home.
Carolyn: He still has 15 minutes.
Sean's phone starts ringing once more as he answer it.
"This better be some good news." Sean said.
(We cut to Chad, who's driving around in a tank)
"Hey, broski! I just called to let you know that I'm driving a tank and I'm almost to your house." Chad said.
"Wait! How the fuck did you get a tank?!" Sean asked.
"There was a military convoy driving around and they stopped for donuts. So, I stole the tank while they were on a donut break." Chad said.
"Dude, you've been playing way too much GTA: Vice City. I know you're not planning on bringing that tank to my home." Sean said.
"Don't worry. At least I didn't hurt anybody. Well, I almost blew up your friend Brian with the tank's cannon." Chad said.
"You tried to whack my friend?! How could you, you bastard!" Sean yelled out.
"Do you hate me now?" Chad asked.
"You better get here right now, or so help me I will kill you." Sean said in a threatening tone.
"See ya!" Chad said as he ends the call.
"God, I just want this holiday to end." Sean said as he rubbed his temples.
Sean: (Narrating) Jake rushes home and makes it to Larchmont and decides steal a one-horse open sleigh from a local parade, but he has to make a detour first, which is to Allie's house.
(Allie sees Jake sitting outside on a one-horse open sleigh)
Sean: (V/O as Jake) Hey, baby. Check out my sleigh. Would you like to ride in it?
Allie: Nice ride.
Jake: Thanks. Just got him back from the shop. Elves upgraded his shoes to the new Firestone radials.
"If this is your way of sweet talking a woman, then you're doing a hell of a good job doing that." Sean said in a sarcastic tone.
Sean: (Narrating) Jake talks to Allie and realizes that family is more important and apologizes to her. Allie forgives her and he kisses her and he takes her on his sleigh, and he takes her to his house. Yeah, take her away from her family to go to your family.
Jake: Just watch.
Allie: Watch what?
Jake: My family.
(Jake and Allie watch his family having dinner as the clock strikes six)
"Well… guess it's time for me to kill my family." Sean said, imitating Jake as he picks up his Uzi.
Sean: (Narrating) Alright, let's wrap this review up, Jake shows up and they're happy to see him, is dad gives him the keys to the Porsche, but Jake refuses and looks forward to fixing it up with him and he even accepts Carolyn as his stepmother. And the movie ends with Jake and his family and Allie riding in the sleigh with the parade. And the movie ends with Jake being a good person.
"God, this was dumb.." Sean said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) You have a character that we're supposed to despise and yet we don't find any sympathy for him or anything. He's just a shell. Plus, the movie fails at understanding the importance of Christmas. It tends to be mean-spirited at times because of the main character being a selfish bastard. Let me say this about the movie: it sucks. I'll Be Home for Christmas comes in at 2 Santa outfits out of 5.
"Well, I'm finished with this review. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and…" Sean said until the sound of an explosion is heard from outside. He gets up from off of his couch to check it out. He heads outside and sees the tank on top of Taylor's car. "What the hell?!"
The young critic heads back inside the house, only to find Chad McDouche sitting on his couch with his feet on top of the coffee table.
"Hey!" Chad shouted.
"YAAAAH!" Sean screamed. "How the hell did you…?"
"Well, I made it to your house. I did cause some destruction along the way and I did destroy your girlfriend's car, but I made it." Chad said.
"And that's good, because…" Sean said.
"Well, I did manage to help out some people in need. So, that makes me a better person." Chad said. "So, what's for dinner? I am starving like Marvin."
As Chad keeps talking while he heads to the dining room, Sean grabs his SPAS-12 shotgun and goes after him.
"Hey, what are you doing with that shotgun? That looks aweso…" Chad said.
Suddenly, Chad is killed by Sean after he shoots him.
"Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!" Sean yelled out.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Even a bribe couldn't get him home.
And that is all for the review of I'll Be Home for Christmas for The Mayhem Critic. I hope that you all enjoyed it. Consider this a Christmas gift for you since it's Christmas. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean deals with some Christmas leftovers when he reviews Home Alone 4 and he's going to rip it a new one. God help him. Now, I was going to review Christmas with the Kranks after the review of Home Alone 4, but since December is almost over, I'll save it for next year. After the review of Home Alone 4, it's a Top 11 countdown in which Sean the Mayhem Critic is going to talk about The King of Queens and some of his favorite episodes in The Top 11 Favorite King of Queens Episodes. Don't forget to leave a review, please no rude comments and no negative reviews because if I see a negative comment on my story, I will message you, then I will report your comment and I will block you, so please be respectful. Also, make sure to add this story to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, I will be going back to working on more one-shots next year and working on some more of Eggos & Promises. I know you all miss me working on it. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.