The Mayhem Critic
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I'm here to bring you another great and hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. When we last left off, Sean the Mayhem Critic took a look at some of the most nostalgic TV themes of all time in the Top 11 countdown. Today, Sean the Mayhem Critic takes a look at a little film from 1987 called Innerspace, a film directed by Joe Dante and it is the only film directed by Dante to win an Academy Award for Best Visual Effects. Does this fantastic voyage inside Martin Short holds up pretty well? We'll find out today. So sit back, relax and grab a cold one to drink because we're gonna be twistin' the night away. This is the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Innerspace is owned by Warner Bros. Pictures and Amblin Entertainment.
Episode 233
Innerspace
The episode opens with another shortened version of the Mayhem Critic intro until the new opening is shown later on in March. After the intro, we open with our favorite residential movie critic Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, and as usual, he is seen sitting in his man cave. And instead of him being his happy-go-lucky self, he is being miserable.
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one." Sean said, looking glum. "Man, what a way to start off 2025. Already we had a terrorist attack in New Orleans, an exploding cybertruck in Las Vegas, snow in Cincinnati and to top it all off, there's a friggin' wildfire in Los Angeles! Man, why does everything seem to go wrong! Just once, I would like for something to go right."
Suddenly, Taylor runs downstairs and heads straight towards Sean's couch as she gets very cheery as usual.
"Sean, I've got some great news." Taylor said.
"If there's anything that would make this year a bit better, I'm fine with that. What is it?" Sean asked.
"Tom Holland and Zendaya are engaged. And so is Montana Jordan and his girlfriend Jenna Weeks." Taylor said with a smile on his face.
"OH, SHIT ON A STICK!" Sean yelled out.
"Okay, what is your problem?" Taylor asked.
"Suddenly, you're telling me that Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson are getting married in real life while Georgie and his girlfriend are getting married as well and they have a kid together. And what do I have? A girlfriend that I'm dating for seven years and we live together and we're not even engaged yet. Just hearing about Tom Holland and Montana Jordan getting engaged to their significant others just annoys me." Sean said.
"At least be happy for them. I was happy for Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco getting engaged as well as Hailee Steinfeld and Josh Allen." Taylor said.
"Okay, Selena could go for a better-looking guy than Benny Blanco, and fuck Josh Allen. Who cares about that hack?" Sean asked.
"What is your problem?" Taylor asked.
"My problem is that this year has started off to be crap with everything going on in the world. I just want something to be right instead of anything going wrong." Sean said as Taylor kissed him on his cheek.
"I know, babe." Taylor said.
"And I apologize for being in a crappy mood about celebrities getting engaged. I'm happy for most of them. Besides, we're not like them." Sean said.
"I know. And I'm still waiting for you to put a ring on it. We've been together for seven years. I think it's time for us to get married." Taylor said.
"I know. I know." Sean said as Taylor leaves the man cave before the young critic starts the topic of today's show. "I guess the one thing that would make me feel better is by reviewing Innerspace."
(The title screen for "Innerspace" is shown followed by clips from the movie while the song "Twistin' the Night Away" by Rod Stewart plays in the background)
Sean: (Narrating) Yeah, it's been awhile since I've talked about Joe Dante. The last time I've talked about Dante was when I reviewed Gremlins back in 2018 and that movie was pretty awesome. It was funny and suspenseful and the Gremlins were hilarious and scary and Gizmo was just too darn adorable. The movie became a box office success. After the release of Gremlins, Joe Dante didn't want to do a sequel to Gremlins, so in 1985 he directed the sci-fi adventure film Explorers, which starred Ethan Hawke and River Phoenix. It was a good movie, but it became a box office failure, but it gained a cult following when it was released on VHS. And now, we've come to another Joe Dante movie that was pretty good. Innerspace was released in theaters on July 1st, 1987 and it was produced by Steven Spielberg and producers Peter Guber and Jon Peters, who would go on to produce Batman. The movie was written by Chip Proser, who called it a rip off of Fantastic Voyage, with the guy reacting to what's going on inside his body. The script was optioned by Peter Guber back in 1984 and when Guber offered the script to Dante, Dante turned it down. Then, Guber hired screenwriter Jeffrey Boam to rewrite the script into a comedy and Dante became interested. Yeah, when you look at the poster, you couldn't tell that it was a comedy (The poster for Innerspace is shown). Well, unless you put Martin Short in it, it's gonna become a comedy. When I first watched this movie on Encore years ago, I couldn't tell if it was a sci-fi movie or a comedy. And when I rewatched this movie twenty years ago when they were showing it on HBO Family, I got a good laugh from watching it and it became one of my favorite comedies of all time. You have some pretty hilarious moments and some great visual effects. It's a one of a kind flick that is still talked about like Gremlins and we're gonna talk about it.
"Because with everything going on in the world, I think I need a great laugh to cheer me up for this year." Sean said.
"Oh, my God! Robots are attacking people over the age of 50!" Taylor exclaimed.
"Oy. This is Innerspace." Sean said.
(The movie begins)
Sean: (Narrating) The movie begins as we get an inside shot of a diamond, but the camera zooms out as we see that we were inside the ice cubes of someone's drink.
Man: (Grabs his drink) Hey, does anybody know where the head is around here?
Sean: (V/O as Man) And why is there a camera zooming out of my drink?
Speaker: Tonight, we are paying tribute to a breed of men…
(There is commotion going on in the kitchen as we see a drunk Lt. Tuck Pendleton getting kicked out of the kitchen while arguing with the head chef)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton (Played by Dennis Quaid): Where is a guy supposed to take a leak around here?
(Everybody stares at Pendleton)
Sean: (Narrating) This is Lt. Tuck Pendleton, played by Dennis Quaid, who's busy acting like a drunken idiot at a party celebrating some of the test pilots of America.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: (Raises his glass) Gentlemen… I salute you. (Falls over on a table and spills his drink) Shit, I spilled my drink.
Test Pilot: Get him.
(The other test pilots pick up Tuck and drag him into the kitchen)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Hey, hey, hey. Easy, cosmos.
"This is what happens to people who end up kissing Trump's ass. We take them out back and beat the shit out of them." Sean said, referring to Dennis Quaid endorsing Trump.
Rusty (Played by Grainger Hines): Why don't you get yourself a new act, Pendleton, you're a disgrace. And give that crippled tomcat story a rest because we've all heard it.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, Rusty. Really, you're right. But at least when my moment of truth came, I didn't take a dump down the leg of my flight suit.
Rusty: You son of a…!
(Rusty takes a swing at Pendleton, but Pendleton manages to duck down and slugs Rusty in the stomach and pushes him into some trays. The other test pilot get ready to fight Pendleton)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Well, come on, boys! Isn't this what you always wanted, a piece of Tuck Pendleton? Huh?
"Yeah, not a wise choice to be picking a fight with a bunch of pilots in the kitchen. I mean, I can imagine Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen when all this is going down." Sean said.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Well, come on, boys! Isn't this what you always wanted, a piece of Tuck Pendleton? Huh?
(A fight breaks out in the kitchen while a clip from Hell's Kitchen is shown)
Gordon Ramsay: You guys are a fucking bunch of losers.
Sean: (Narrating) Tuck's reporter girlfriend Lydia Maxwell, played by Meg Ryan, who was dating Dennis Quaid at the time before the two of them got married in 1991, is busy interviewing Jeffrey Boam, the movie's screenwriter, until she notices a fight going on in the kitchen and she takes Tuck home after they've had enough of his drunken antics.
(Tuck and Lydia both fall on the couch)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: All you had to do was ask, honey. (Laughs)
(Lydia climbs off of Tuck and walks away)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: (Wipes the blood off the corner of his mouth) Charming. You want a drink?
(Tuck controls a robotic arm to pour a tiny bottle of vodka into a glass while Lydia notices a picture of a rabbit on his table)
Lydia Maxwell (Played by Meg Ryan): What's all this?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Something I'm involved in.
Lydia Maxwell: Rabbits?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Yeah, wabbits.
Lydia Maxwell: You resigned your commission to study rabbits?
(Tuck misses the glass and pours the vodka all over the table)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Shit.
"Oh, God. He's drinking again. This is why I moved on to John "Cougar" Mellencamp." Sean said, imitating Lydia.
Sean: (Narrating) Lydia tries to leave Tuck's place, but Tuck tries to work his charm on Lydia by playing Sam Cooke's "Cupid".
(The song "Cupid" by Sam Cooke starts playing)
Lydia Maxwell: It's not fair.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: What is? (Approaches Lydia while singing) Straight to your lover's heart for me.
Lydia Maxwell: Don't do this.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Come on.
(Tuck dances with Lydia and kisses her)
"Yeah, that's right. Sam Cooke has a tendency to turn some women on. Oh, yeah." Sean said in a deep voice.
Sean: (Narrating) The next morning, Lydia tries to leave Tuck's place by catching a cab driven by Dick Miller of all people. And you know, it's not a Joe Dante movie unless Dick Miller is in the movie. Tuck heads outside in only a towel and tries to stop her from leaving.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: What is going on here?
Cab Driver (Played by Dick Miller): You got any bags?
Lydia Maxwell: No. You know what's going on here. You read the note.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Yeah, I read the note.
Cab Driver: Good, nice clean break. Leave everything behind.
Lydia Maxwell: I don't live here.
Cab Driver: One-nighter?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Will you shut up? Get back in your cab!
Lydia Maxwell: Shut up, just shut up!
"Hey, I don't need this. I was in Batman: Mask of the Phantasm!" Sean exclaimed, imitating the cab driver while a picture of Chuckie Sol is shown.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Lydia. Look, don't leave. You know you love me. Look, I know you're crazy about me. I mean, in a week or two, I'm gonna call you or you're gonna call me, we're gonna be back together again.
Lydia Maxwell: No, we won't.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: I don't get it. I get a little drunk, I make an ass out of myself… what's the big deal?
"That you're outside in only just a towel on, you're gonna end up losing it." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) The cab drives off, leaving Tuck and we see Dennis Quaid's bare ass in a PG movie…
"You know? For kids!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) After we witnessed Tuck getting dumped by Lydia, we cut to two months later in Silicon Valley and we're introduced to a hypochondriac grocery clerk named Jack Putter, played by Martin Short, who's visiting his doctor for an appointment, and he tells him about a bizarre nightmare that he's having.
Jack Putter (Played by Martin Short): Well, I'm at the market. I'm working one of the registers. And I suddenly notice that the next customer is this horrible, obnoxious woman with bright orange hair.
(We cut to the woman with bright orange hair, who's played by Kathleen Freeman)
Jack Putter: Anyway… I'm passing her stuff over the bar code scanner and I don't notice it, but the computer starts to ring up all the wrong prices.
(We see that the computer is ringing the price of shampoo for $18,748.15)
Jack Putter: So when I'm all done I look at the total and it's way up over…
(Dr. Greenbush taps Jack on the back, interrupting his story for a bit)
Jack Putter: …and it's way up over…
(Dr. Greenbush continues to tap Jack on the back some more)
Jack Putter: …and it's way up over $100,000.
Dr. Greenbush (Played by William Schallert): That much?
Jack Putter: Yes.
"Damn, groceries must've been expensive as shit back in the 80s." Sean said.
Jack Putter: And she reaches into her purse, and she pulls out this little pearl-handled pistol. And she pulls back on the trigger, and it's at that moment that I wake up screaming.
(Dr. Greenbush lightly taps Jack on the knee, which makes Jack kick the tray over)
Dr. Greenbush: Take it easy, Jack. It's all right. The nurse will get it, Jack. Just sit down. Sit down.
(Jack falls off of the table and Dr. Greenbush helps him up)
Dr. Greenbush: I'm sorry, Jack. I didn't mean to push you off the white sheets.
"You didn't even push him. He just fell on his own. This movie let's Martin Short be his goofball self as usual." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Dr. Greenbush, played by William Schallert, tells Jack what needs is a nice little vacation instead of medicine, which Jack agrees to do so.
Dr. Greenbush: Because the most important thing for you right now is no excitement. Got it?
"Which means don't be going around solving murders in the building with Steve Martin and Selena Gomez. Got it?" Sean asked, imitating Dr. Greenbush.
Sean: (Narrating) We cut to L.A. traffic, as we see that Dr. Niles, played by Mark L. Taylor, and Pete Blanchard, played by Harold Sylvester, are on their way to the lab so Dr. Niles can show Pete a top-secret experiment that they're working on and that they got a test pilot for the experiment, which happens to be Tuck Pendleton of all people.
Pete Blanchard (Played by Harold Sylvester): (Sighs and takes off his sunglasses) Why did you choose Pendleton?
Dr. Niles (Played by Mark L. Taylor): He had the right qualifications.
Pete Blanchard: Such as?
Dr. Niles: He's the only one we could find who's crazy enough to do it.
Pete Blanchard: Let me tell you something about Tuck Pendleton. He could have been one of the best. But he hates authority, he can't take orders and he likes to make up his own rules.
"Well, you are dealing with a guy who starred in Jaws 3-D. I mean, you could've been dealing with Arnold Schwarzenegger." Sean said.
(We then cut to Pendleton, who is seen looking at himself in the mirror and he slaps himself in the face)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: How does that feel? It feels good. Then do it again. (He slaps himself in the face once more) The Tuck Pendleton machine, zero defects.
"Yeah, that's me when I get ready to review a movie." Sean said.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Sean, who seen in the bathroom, looking at himself in the mirror and he starts to slap himself in the face)
Sean: How does that feel? Feels good, doesn't it? How about another hit? (Slaps himself in the face some more) Yeah, I'm in effect right now. How about some more? (He keeps slapping himself some more) Yeah, take it like a man until it hurts.
(Suddenly, Sean punches himself in the face and falls to the floor)
Sean: Okay, I actually punched myself in the nose and I think I broke it. Taylor, can you drive me to the hospital? I think I broke my nose.
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Ozzie Wexler (Played by John Hora): You're not getting nervous, are you?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Not yet.
Sean: (Narrating) The experiment supervisor Ozzie Wexler, played by the late John Hora, who was Joe Dante's go-to cinematographers for some of his movies, is making sure that Tuck is prepared for the experiment and Tuck is definitely prepared.
(A female lab technician kisses Tuck on the cheek for good luck. Tuck grins and heads back to the technician and kisses her on the lips)
Sean: (V/O as Tuck) For luck, baby.
Wendell (Played by Shawn Nelson: Good luck, lieutenant.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Thank you, Wendell.
(Another female lab technician takes a photo of Tuck with the Polaroid camera. He then grabs the camera and takes a selfie with her)
"Yeah, you all say that Thelma & Louise invented the first selfie in movie history, Tuck Pendleton does a selfie with one of his coworkers. And let's not forget that Clark Griswold attempted to do one on National Lampoon's European Vacation, but he failed miserably." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Tuck is placed inside a submersible pod, that looks like the pod from Explorers and they shrink both him and the pod to microscopic size in the miniaturization device and the pod is transferred into a syringe to be injected into a rabbit named Bugs. And for a movie made in 1987, the miniaturization process is pretty impressive. And let's not forget that when the pod spins around, you could hear the sound effect of the Tazmanian Devil spinning from the Looney Tunes cartoons.
(The pod is spinning around the miniaturization machine while the Looney Tunes sound effect is heard)
"Shit, now I feel like playing some of Taz's lines throughout the scene." Sean said.
(We see the pod spinning around while Sean imitates Taz's dialogue)
Sean: (Narrating) Tuck and the pod are shrunk down to size and transferred into a syringe, but during the experiment the phone company arrives to fix the phones.
Lab Guard (Played by Robert Neches): Can I help you, fellas?
Phone Repairman: Phone repair.
(The guard calls someone)
Lab Guard: Do you know anything about phones being fixed today? No?
(The phone repairmen put on an orange hard hat and gas masks)
Lab Guard: Sorry. I don't know…
(The phone repairman sprays some knockout gas on the guard's face, knocking him out)
"Suddenly, this just turned into a spy thriller." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) These band of disgruntled Cincinnati Bell workers start attacking the lab by spraying everyone in the face with knockout gas. These guys are so ruthless, that they even knock out the film's director.
(We see director Joe Dante playing a Vectorscope Lab employee getting attacked by a techno-terrorist)
Lab Employee (Played by Joe Dante): Hey, what are you…
(The techno-terrorist sprays the employee in the face with knockout gas)
Sean: (Narrating) So, who is this madman responsible for the attack?
(One of the techno-terrorists remove their hard hat and gas mask. The terrorist is revealed to be a beautiful woman named Dr. Margaret Canker)
Dr. Margaret Canker (Played by Fiona Lewis): Look at this thing.
"Well, hellooooo nurse!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) The person in charge of this attack is Dr. Margaret Canker, played by Fiona Lewis. She works for a rival organization who are planning on seizing the experiment and steals the chips from the experiment. But Ozzie, who's picked a bad spot to be hiding in gets caught by Dr. Canker and he knows what they're planning.
Ozzie Wexler: Margaret.
Dr. Margaret Canker: Ozzie. I see you've backed yourself into a corner once again.
(Ozzie glances over at the syringe, which contains Tuck and the pod. Dr. Canker glances at the syringe and Ozzie. Ozzie runs over to the tray and grabs the syringe. He then pushes one of the terrorists out of the way as he leaves the lab)
"What the hell was up with that guy that he was knocked down easily by this nerdy scientist? What was going on in his mind anyway?" Sean asked, laughing a bit.
Sean: (V/O as Terrorist) (Sings) Bum bum bum, ba-dum ba-dum. A duck walked up to a lemonade… (Gets knocked down by Ozzie) D'OH! My leg!
(Dr. Canker calls Mr. Igoe on the walkie talkie as we see him roll down the window. Mr. Igoe is a tall, menacing henchman with dark hair, sunglasses and a suit)
Dr. Margaret Canker: (On the walkie) Mr. Igoe. Stop him. We need that syringe.
Sean: (Narrating) Dr. Canker's henchman Mr. Igoe, played by Vernon Wells, pursues Ozzie with his car in a tense chase scene. Yeah, I would run for my life too if Ransik tries to kill me with his car. And Ozzie manages to take someone's bike in the process.
(Mr. Igoe chases after Ozzie with his car while Ozzie is riding a bike. During the chase, Ozzie is riding into oncoming traffic)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Ozzie, am I being punished?
(During the chase, Ozzie rides into a parking lot. He sees a red car and hits the breaks until he crashes into it. Ozzie rolls on the hood of the car and gets back up)
"Yeah, just be glad that you didn't break the syringe that you have in your pocket, buddy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Igoe follows Ozzie into a shopping mall, while Jack is at a travel agency to book his vacation.
Travel Agent (Played by Terence McGovern): Well, I certainly envy you. Fun, excitement, relaxation.
Jack Putter: No. No excitement. Doctor's orders.
Travel Agent: How about maybe a little shipboard romance?
Jack Putter: Well, as long as it isn't too exciting.
"I could go for a nice vacation in Duckburg right about now. No seriously, he's Launchpad." Sean said a picture of Terrence McGovern as the travel agent and a picture of Launchpad McQuack from Ducktales are shown back-to-back.
(A guy in a penguin suit is handing out balloons to some nuns. The camera zooms in on him and he moves away, revealing Mr. Igoe as he takes off his sunglasses while searching for Ozzie until he spots him while Jerry Goldsmith's music score starts playing as Mr. Igoe puts his sunglasses back on)
"Only Jerry Goldsmith can use a Yamaha digital keyboard to make a villain so menacing like the Terminator." Sean said.
(Ozzie sees Mr. Igoe. Igoe raises his hand, his index finger pointing at Ozzie. He shoots Ozzie with his finger, which pops a little kid's balloon. A little kid dressed as soldier while holding a toy machine gun looks at Mr. Igoe in wide-eyed surprise. Igoe looks at the kid and blows smoke from out of his finger)
"Did we just witness Ransik from Power Rangers: Time Force shoot a guy with his finger? Because that was pretty cool." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Ozzie gets wounded in the process and bumps into Jack and he injects Tuck and the pod into the goofy hypochondriac before he dies.
(Mr. Igoe picks up the broken syringe and turns to Jack. He then notices a guy taking photos of what happened)
Man with Camera (Played by Alan Blumenfeld): Did you see that?
(Mr. Igoe strikes the man in the back with his artificial hand and takes his camera)
"What a dick." Sean chuckled a bit.
(Mr. Igoe leaves the mall. He walks past a clown and ends up popping his balloon)
"What a dick." Sean chuckled some more.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack rushes to work while his boss Mr. Wormwood, played by Henry Gibson, complains about him being late for work and on coupon day. And on top of all that, he gets belittled by a co-worker that he has a crush on named Wendy, played by Francine Smith herself Wendy Schaal.
Jack Putter: I hate to shock you, but we had a date last night.
Wendy (Played by Wendy Schaal): Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Jack Putter: You forgot? How could you forget?
(Wendy puts a big jug of juice on top of some eggs)
"Okay, I work at a grocery store and I bag for customers. There's one thing that you should never, ever do: put heavy stuff on top of fragile items like eggs, you could easily break them!" Sean exclaimed.
Wendy: Jack, look, I've already told you. If you want to be a part of my life, you can't be hassling me about stuff.
Jack Putter: Wendy, I'm not a part of your life.
"Besides, aren't you married to some guy who works for the CIA?" Sean asked, imitating Jack while a picture of Stan Smith from American Dad is shown.
Sean: (Narrating) Tuck wakes up and he tries to figure out where he's at as he notices some fat cells inside someone that's not a bunny, Jack's dream becomes a reality when the woman with the orange hair, played by Kathleen Freeman, is his next customer.
Dream Lady (Played by Kathleen Freeman): Well? I'm in a hurry.
Jack Putter: Yes. Yes, you are.
Dream Lady: Just add it up, will you?
"Hey, I don't blame Jack. I would freak out too if I saw that Miss Kisskillya from Detention was my next customer." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack tries to contact Ozzie and the other scientists in the lab by turning on the electromagnetic booster cells, which causes the register to ring up some of the most outrageous prices for groceries. I mean, look at this. $1, 520.12 for a can of Progresso Soup?! John Lithgow would call "bullshit" on that one.
(The computer is ringing up the price of shampoo for $18,748.15)
Dream Lady: Say, that's king of pricey for shampoo, ain't it?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Ozzie!
(Tuck turns on the electromagnetic booster cells once more, which ends up ringing the woman's total of $128,658,54 and Jack sees this)
Jack Putter: Oh, no.
Wendy: $128,000?!
Dream Lady: Is that with or without the coupons?
(Mr. Wormwood approaches Jack's register to see what's wrong)
Mr. Wormwood (Played by Henry Gibson): What have you done, Jack? What have you done?
"See? This is the reason why I don't work on the register." Sean said.
Dream Lady: Listen, sweetie. I don't carry that kind of cash around with me.
(The woman reaches into her purse. Jack's eyes widened in terror as the woman pulls out a small, pearl-handled pistol and points it at him)
Jack Putter: No. Oh, no.
"Oh, my God. She's about to kill him before he even stars in Only Murders in the Building." Sean said.
(The gun turns out to be a lighter as the woman lights herself a cigarette)
"Oh, it's just a lighter. Wait, a gun that is a lighter. Now, where have I seen this before?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack starts to freak out in front of the customers. Yeah, nice job freaking out in front of Chuck Jones (The camera zooms in on Chuck Jones).
"And if you think I'm kidding about the Chuck Jones-thing, I'm not. That's legendary animator Chuck Jones. I guess he knows about zany, goofy characters." Sean said as a picture of Daffy Duck is shown.
(Jack opens a bottle of aspirins and takes a whole bunch in his mouth while Mr. Wormwood snatches it out of his hand. He starts chewing on the aspirins)
Dream Lady: Hey! I'm not buying that aspirin now!
Supermarket Customer (Played by Chuck Jones): At $800 a bottle, who would want to?
Mr. Wormwood: Jack. Jack, you're becoming unglued. You're coming apart at the seams, Jack. Oh, my God, he's completely spaced out.
Wendy: All right, let me handle this. Jack.
(Wendy gives Jack a hard slap across his face, knocking him down while Tuck feels the vibration from inside)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: What the hell's that? Ozzie? Ozzie, I can't hear you. I hope to hell you can hear me.
"Yeah, Tuck. I'm pretty sure that Ozzie can't hear you. He was killed by Ransik's finger gun." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Tuck ventures through Jack's body and fires an optic sensor camera on Jack's eye so he could see what he's seeing and he makes the startling realization.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: (Realizing that he's in a human body) I'm in a man. I'm in a strange man. I'll be a son of a bitch, I'm in a stranger man surrounded by strangers in a strange room.
"Eh, could've been worse. You could be inside your brother Randy." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Mr. Wormwood tells Jack to go home and start his vacation. But before Jack heads home, Jack visits his doctor while Tuck tries to communicate with him. How, you might ask. By attaching a device to his inner ear, of course. That way he could talk to Jack.
(Cut to Jack standing in an elevator with a group of people)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: (On speaker) Hello! Hello, can you hear me?
(Jack looks around as he hears Tuck's voice)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Repeat. Repeat. Respond if you can hear me.
Jack Putter: Who, me?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: It works! I can hear you!
(The people look at Jack like there's something wrong with him while the two women standing next to him step away from him)
"Dude, I think it's best that you don't start talking to yourself like a complete crazy person. They might think you're mental." Sean said.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Would you talk to me, please?
(Jack looks around the waiting room, but doesn't reply)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Who are you? What's your name?
(Jack turns to the first guy sitting next to him, who's played by the late Joe Flaherty)
Waiting Room Patient #1 (Played by Joe Flaherty): What?
Jack Putter: Are you talking to me?
Waiting Room Patient #1: No.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: I'm not out there. I'm in here.
(Jack turns to the woman sitting next to him, she's played by Andrea Martin)
Jack Putter: Did you hear that?
Waiting Room Patient #2 (Played by Andrea Martin): Hear what?
Jack Putter: You didn't hear that then?
Waiting Room Patient #2: No, I'm sorry. I didn't hear anything. Are you feeling all right?
Jack Putter: Would I be in a doctor's office if I was feeling all right?
"Now there's something you don't see every day: Ed Grimley, Count Floyd and Edith Prickley sitting in the waiting room. You add Catherine O'Hara to the scene and you got yourself one hell of a SCTV reunion." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack thinks he possessed from hearing voices inside his head, so his doctor, played by William Schallert respectively, checks on him to see if he's all right while Tuck wants him to tell Dr. Greenbush that he's inside.
Dr. Greenbush: (While he looks into Jack's ear with the otoscope) Just relax. Let's see what's going on in here.
(A light flashes inside Jack's ear canal, blinding Tuck)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Aahh! I'm blind! Aaahh! Oh, God!
Jack Putter: Now it's talking about God.
"Holy shit, I got a Jehovah's Witness inside my head! AAAAHHHH!" Sean screamed as he ran out of the room and we hear the sound of a window breaking off-screen.
Dr. Greenbush: Jack… you seem to be experiencing some sort of theistic hysteria.
Jack Putter: How do you treat that?
Dr. Greenbush: Well, the medieval remedy was to flay the skin off your body with brands of fire. I have no idea what the current thinking is.
"Yeah, that kind of remedy would work if you live in Westeros. Jesus Christ, what kind of doctor are you?!" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack heads home while Tuck makes contact with him once more.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Jack, we need to talk.
Jack Putter: No!
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Jack, we have ourselves a little problem here.
Jack Putter: I wonder what's on the television. (Picks up the remote to turn on the TV) TV is so much fun around now.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Jack! Pay attention!
Jack Putter: Oh, good. This is a good one.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Jack, you can't watch TV. We have to talk. Oh, no, I'm inside a guy who likes games shows.
"Why can't I be inside a guy that likes watching Totally Spies?" Sean asked, imitating Tuck.
Sean: (Narrating) Tuck destroys Jack's television with his electromagnetic booster to get his attention and he tells him that he was supposed to be injected into the body of a laboratory rabbit as part of a miniaturization experiment. But then someone from the travel agency shows up to Jack's apartment to hand him some cruise tickets, but Tuck senses that there's something up with that guy.
Messenger (Played by Archie Hahn): You know, you're a lucky guy, going on a cruise. Taking your roommate?
Jack Putter: I don't have a roommate.
Messenger: I thought I heard you talking to someone.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Don't trust him. He's not a messenger.
Messenger: (On the phone) Yeah, I made the drop.
Jack Putter: (To Tuck) How do you know?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Gut reaction. Get out. Get out right now!
(Jack turns to the messenger)
Messenger: Piece of cake.
(Jack tries to make a run for it, but the messenger pulls out a gun and points it at him)
Messenger: Where you going, babe?
Jack Putter: Uh…
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Grab it! Grab it!
(Jack tries to grab the gun from out of the messenger's hand and they fight over it. Inside Jack, his pulse rate is going too fast, which pushes Tuck and the pod back)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Jack, your pulse rate, I'm going too fast!/Jack, bring your knee up! Kick him where it counts!
(Jack kicks the messenger in the groin)
Sean: (V/O as Messenger) D'oh! You kicked me in the di…!
(Jack knocks the messenger out with the gun)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Run!
Sean: (Narrating) Jack makes a run for it and sees that Mr. Igoe is after him. After leaving the apartment, Tuck contacts Jack and tells him to go to the lab to tell Dr. Niles and the others that Tuck is inside him and that he can actually talk to him.
Dr. Niles: Can you see me, Lieutenant Pendleton?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Yeah, I can see you.
Jack Putter: Yes, he can.
Dr. Niles: Good work! Job well done!
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Good work! I can't believe this! Find out what went wrong.
Jack Putter: Excuse me, Lieutenant Pendleton is wondering what went wrong.
Dr. Niles: Well…
Pete Blanchard: I'll tell you what went wrong. You threw in a bunch of eggheads who don't know squat about security. That's what went wrong.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Yeah, well thanks for the hot tip.
Pete Blanchard: But don't worry, Tuck, old' buddy. We're going to do everything possible to get you out of this… civilian.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: You better, you two-faced son of a bitch.
"What was that, Tuck? Right. Oh, yeah. Tuck says that you're a two-faced son of a bitch and that your wife is a whore." Sean said, imitating Jack.
Brian: (V/O as Tuck) I did not say that!
Sean: (Narrating) Tuck gets Jack to listen in on the conversation between Dr. Niles and Blanchard, which is a tricky re-enlargement process by using two chips, with one of the chips that's in the pod while the other is stolen. But they can make duplicates of the chips, but here's the bad news: by 9:00am, Tuck's air supply will run out. So now, it's a race against time to save Tuck.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: What're you waiting on?
Jack Putter: Look, don't rush me, okay? Just… be quiet for a second and let me think this through.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Jack, excuse me, but I want you to factor this into your thinking: you heard the guy, my air supply is running out. If you don't help me, you're gonna wind up with this miniaturized submersible pod floating around your insides with this teeny, tiny human skeleton at the helm.
"Well, it'll keep us from seeing your performance as Ronald Reagan." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack leaves the lab and takes Tuck's red Mustang with him and he wants Tuck to do something for him in return to help him out.
Jack Putter: No pain.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: What?
Jack Putter: That's the thing I want from you. No pain. I mean just… don't do anything weird in there, okay? Don't… cause an embolism or an aneurysm or… accidentally sever my spinal cord and just kinda go, "Oh, sorry." Do you know what I mean?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Okay, no pain.
"No pain? How do you give someone no pain? What? Are you just gonna shoot him in the head and make him like Renard from The World is Not Enough and have him not feel any pain? Hell, I would love to have no pain. It'll keep me from getting hurt all the time." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack arrives at Tuck's place and Tuck's in the mood for a drink, so he gets his flask ready and has Jack grab a bottle of Southern Comfort and take a big 'ol drink while Tuck readies his flask.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: And we're gonna drink this one to Ozzie. A good man who tried to save my ass by injecting me into yours.
Jack Putter: To Ozzie.
(Jack drinks the bottle of Southern Comfort. We see the liquor pouring down inside him as Tuck sticks his flask out to collect some of it into his flask)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Come on, lucky flask.
(Tuck's flask is filled and he brings it back inside his pod)
"Oh, I'm sure it'll be fine to drink after it's been swallowed by some guy." Sean said.4
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: When things are at their darkest, pal, it's a brave man who can kick back and party. Jack, let the good times roll.
(Tuck starts playing some music and we see Jack dancing to Sam Cooke's "Twistin' the Night Away" while Tuck is dancing along with him)
"You know, as much as I love Sam Cooke and his music, this scene would've been so much better if they played this." Sean said.
(The theme from The Completely Mental Misadventures of Ed Grimley starts playing during the dance scene)
"Admit it! You would all love to hear that theme playing during that scene. You know you want to!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) After that dance scene, Tuck tells Jack to go to his bedroom to look in the mirror to see what he looks like, which he does and he teaches him a little trick to sober him up.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Slap yourself in the face.
Jack Putter: What?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Your face. Slap it.
(Jack slaps himself in the face)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Harder!
(Jack slaps himself once more)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Again!
(Jack slaps himself in the face some more)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Sober yet?
Jack Putter: One more time.
(Jack give himself one more slap in the face and fall to the floor)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Okay! How does it feel!
(Jack gets back up)
Jack Putter: It feels good.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: The Jack Putter machine, zero defects. God help us.
"I can't believe that my life rests in the hands of one of the Three Amigos." Sean said, imitating Tuck.
Sean: (Narrating) At the San Francisco Herald, we see that Lydia is getting chewed out by her editor Harry, played by Orson Bean, about her story on espionage in Silicon Valley because he wants a story about people getting murdered. Lydia then mentions Ozzie's murder until her co-worker Duane, played by Kevin Hooks, mentions an important character that's arriving in San Francisco.
Duane (Played by Kevin Hooks): The Cowboy.
Lydia Maxwell: The Cowboy?
Lydia's Editor (Played by Orson Bean): Who's the Cowboy?
Lydia Maxwell: Is he here now?
Duane: On his way.
Lydia's Editor: Talk to me.
Duane: TWA flight 607, arriving San Francisco International at 4 o'clock this afternoon.
Lydia's Editor: Will you talk to me? What am I, chopped liver around here? Who's the Cowboy?
"Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to see the best damn character of the movie and that's where the fun really begins." Sean said with a smile on his face.
(We cut to an airplane, and we get a shot of a pair of cowboy boots as the man walks down the aisle while the camera pans up to reveal "The Cowboy")
Sean: (Narrating) This guy right here is The Cowboy, played brilliantly by Robert Picardo, and he's the reason why I keep coming back to this movie. As much as I love the amazing special effects and comedy, Robert Picardo steals the show. Aside from being the best damn character in the movie, The Cowboy is a fence for the bad guys, also he's a mean and serious Mexican who pretends to be a cowboy from Hollywood movies.
(The Cowboy lights up a cigar and starts smoking it while a stewardess approach him)
Stewardess (Played by Janie Squire, credited as Sydne Squire): I'm sorry, sir. You're gonna have to extinguish that cigar.
(The Cowboy takes the cigar from out of his mouth and puts it out with his hand and smells it)
The Cowboy (Played by Robert Picardo): Mmm! (To the passenger sitting next to him while speaking in a Mexican accent) There is nothing like a good cigar, eh, partner?
(The Cowboy sticks the cigar in the passenger's jacket pocket)
"I think everyone who saw this movie could agree with me that The Cowboy is the best part of the movie." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack spots Lydia after she sees him driving Tuck's car and wearing his jacket and Jack explains to her that Tuck is in trouble and that he needs her help.
Lydia Maxwell: Tuck is being held for ransom?
Jack Putter: In a manner of speaking, yes. Uh, we need a microchip to get him back. Unfortunately, it was taken from Vector-Scope labs this morning.
Lydia Maxwell: Oh, so there was a break-in. Gee, now how did Tuck- -? How did you get involved in this?
Jack Putter: Me? Uh… it's a long story.
"Just tell her that some guy injected Tuck into your asscheek before he shuffled off the mortal coil. I'm sure she'll buy that story." Sean said.
Jack Putter: Look, Lydia, you're just gonna have to trust me, okay? There's not a lot of time for explanations. We only have till 9:00 tomorrow morning.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: That's good.
Lydia Maxwell: Nine o'clock tomorrow morning? Can't we negotiate for more time?
Jack Putter: No, no. No, we- -
Lydia Maxwell: Then where is he? Where are they keeping him?
Jack Putter: Where?
Lydia Maxwell: Yeah.
Jack Putter: Close by. You know, in the area. In the immediate area, vicinity. It's difficult to know- -
Lydia Maxwell: Who has him?
"Dude, just say that you have him inside your body and you have to get him out by 9:00. It's not that hard." Sean said. "She might think you're crazy, but it'll be worth it."
Sean: (Narrating) Jack takes a quick restroom break and he has a little chat with his willie.
"Uhhhh…. That did not sound right. Sorry about that, folks. Yikes." Sean said.
Jack Putter: Why can't we tell her the truth? She might even believe us.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: No, besides it's humiliating being this small.
Jack Putter: What's so bad about being small? You don't have to be small forever.
Man in Restroom (Played by Kenneth Tobey): Play with it, pal, but don't talk to it.
"Can you believe that they showed this movie on Disney Channel years ago?" Sean asked.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack returns from his potty break with Tuck and heads back to Lydia, but then Mr. Igoe shows up and grabs Jack so he can kidnap him and Lydia pulls out her taser gun to threaten Killer Hand Ransik.
Lydia Maxwell: (Aims her taser gun at Igoe) Hold it! This is a taser gun deploying a charge of 20,000 volts. It will immobilize you for 15 minutes and in all probability will render you unconscious as well, so I would let go of that man!
(Jack tries to move away from out of Igoe's grasp)
Lydia Maxwell: No!
(She shoots at Jack and tases him, which renders him unconscious and causes Tuck's pod to have a power surge)
(A clip from Saved by the Bell is shown)
Kelly Kapowski (Played by Tiffani-Amber Thiessen): Dumb.
A.C. Slater (Played by Mario Lopez): Stupid.
Lisa Turtle (Played by Lark Voorhees): Crazy.
Jessie Spano (Played by Elizabeth Berkley): Dangerous.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack gets taken by Mr. Igoe and thrown in the back of a frozen meat truck and Lydia pursues him. Jack wakes up and he's taken to their boss, who is an arms dealer.
"Why is he an arms dealer? Because it's 1987, everything's either Russians, drug trafficking and cultists. Or Russian arms dealing, drug trafficking cultists. Damn! That's one hell of a combination right there. Oh, yeah. Bikers too. Russian arms dealing-drug trafficking cultist bikers. That is definitely one hell of a combination right here." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) This introduces us to Victor Scrimshaw, played by Kevin McCarthy, and with him being an arms dealer, he doesn't care about weapons like guns or nuclear weapons. Let Superman IV deal with nuclear weapons. The one thing he cares about is miniaturization because being small is the edge that everyone's been looking for.
Victor Scrimshaw (Played by Kevin McCarthy): Who will have that edge, Jack? What country will control miniaturization? Frankly, I don't give a shit. I'm only in this for the money. And that's why, Jack, we've got to get that little pod out from inside of you!
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: This guy is not operating on all eight cylinders, Jack.
"Well, duh! This is the same guy who screaming about the pod people on Invasion of the Body Snatchers." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Lydia follows the truck while Tuck helps Jack to get out of the truck when he sees that the doors are unlocked and he gives him the perfect moment to escape by giving him a motivational speech like he's on Any Given Sunday.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: You're not the same man you were this morning, are you Jack? You're better, you're stronger. You're a man in control of your own destiny, Jack. Psych yourself up, Jack! See yourself opening the doors, Jack! See yourself jumping from the truck, Jack! You're not going to bag groceries all your life, are you, Jack? Are ya? See yourself being a hero, Jack! Psych yourself up! Nam-myoho-renge-kyo! Nam-myoho-renge-kyo! Nam-myoho-renge-kyo! Can you do it, Jack?! Can you see it, Jack?! Can you see it?!
Jack Putter: Yes! I can see it!
(Jack runs to the doors)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: No, not yet! Wait until it stops!
(The doors open up and Jack is hanging on to dear life)
(The same clip from Saved by the Bell is shown)
Kelly Kapowski: Dumb.
A.C. Slater: Stupid.
Lisa Turtle: Crazy.
Jessie Spano: Dangerous.
Sean: (Narrating) We get a little crazy as hell stunt as we see Jack hanging onto the back door of a frozen truck and Lydia trying to catch him. It's a comical, yet cool stunt and a pretty awesome scene as well just to see Martin Short performing that stunt. Also, I get a good laugh at Igoe just jamming to his music while driving the truck and not paying attention to what's going on in the back.
"Which makes me wonder what he's listening to." Sean said.
(We cut to Mr. Igoe listening to some music while he's driving. The song that's playing is the Power Rangers: Time Force theme)
Lydia Maxwell: Jack!
Jack Putter: What?
Lydia Maxwell: What do you think you're doing?
Jack Putter: What do you think I'm doing?
Lydia Maxwell: Get in the car!
Jack Putter: I'm trying to get out of the truck!
(Lydia screams while holding onto Jack. A guy on a motorcycle drives underneath Jack)
Sean: (V/O as Motorcycle Driver) You kumquat! I almost hit your nuts!
Sean: (Narrating) Jack manages to jump into Tuck's car and him and Lydia escape from Scrimshaw and his men. Later, the two stop at a hotel where The Cowboy is staying at while he's in town. Turns out that Lydia has been tracking this guy for months and she has a feeling that he's gonna lead them right to the chip.
(Tuck notices Jack checking out Lydia)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Hey, knock it off.
Sean: (V/O as Tuck) Only I get to look at Lydia. I'm married to her.
Jack Putter: Why do you think that?
Lydia Maxwell: Because he's a fence. He deals in stolen technology, western technology almost exclusively, which he then sells overseas to the highest bidder. Who do you think introduced Velcro to the Persian Gulf?
"That bastard! He should be put down like a rabid dog!" Sean exclaimed.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack and Lydia spot The Cowboy arriving at the hotel and they both check in after Lydia finds a packed suitcase in the trunk of Tuck's car that he always keeps inside in case he wakes up in a strange place. Meanwhile, Scrimshaw informs Dr. Canker that The Cowboy is in town, but she's a little tied up for a bit because she's about to get busy with Mr. Igoe.
Dr. Margaret Canker: I'll have to call you back.
Victor Scrimshaw: Just get me that chip!
(We then cut to Dr. Canker and Mr. Igoe as we watch Mr. Igoe removing a corkscrew attachment and attaching a device that's out of view and it makes a vibrating noise before the scene cuts away)
"Okay, did I just witness Ransik from Power Rangers: Time Force attaching a vibrator to where his hand is supposed to be at just so he can pleasure a woman? And on a PG movie too! This is a family movie, aside from the fact that we saw Dennis Quaid's bare ass, Joe Dante's go-to cinematographer getting shot by Ransik's finger gun and some guy telling Martin Short to play with his dick instead of talking to it. You know? For kids!" Sean exclaimed with a smile on his face.
Sean: (Narrating) After witnessing Ransik attacking a vibrator on his hand, we cut back to Jack and Lydia as they continue to spy on The Cowboy and Jack takes a liking to Lydia, which annoys Tuck because this is his girl.
Jack Putter: What exactly is the deal between you two, anyway?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Nevermind, it's none of your business.
Jack Putter: Hey, Tuck, listen, I really could use a change of clothes. Mind if I dip into your suitcase?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Dip all you like, nothing's going to fit you.
"Just make sure you don't dip your dipstick inside my girlfriend. I'm keeping my eyes on you." Sean said, imitating Tuck.
Lydia Maxwell: Jack, Scrimshaw is…
(Lydia enters the room and sees Jack wearing one of Tuck's clothes)
Jack Putter: How do I look?
(Lydia stays silent and looks at Jack)
Jack Putter: What's the matter?
Lydia Maxwell: Nothing. You just reminded me of a time when Tuck wore this jacket.
(Lydia approaches Jack and fixes his outfit)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Yeah. It was the night we first met. You were doing that article about me and we had dinner and talked until 3 in the morning. Then I got drunk and fell down a manhole walking you home.
"I think Dennis Quaid was talking about his first date with Meg Ryan." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack and Lydia continue to talk about Tuck until they hear that The Cowboy is leaving. So, they track him down into a typical 80s dance club and they follow him inside, until Wendy sees Jack and she's surprised to see him at a dance club like this. While The Cowboy shows off his dance moves to Lydia, Wendy questions Jack about his secret life as a cool guy instead of a wimpy guy.
Wendy: I can't believe it, Jack! This is so exciting! Oh! How long have you been leading this double life?
Jack Putter: Oh, for a while now.
"Yeah, I would love to see Martin Short acting cool at a dance club. Where was that in Only Murders in the Building? Wouldn't we love to see Selena Gomez taking Martin Short and Steve Martin to a dance club and seeing those two acting like a bunch of goofballs." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, here's Robert Picardo smoking his cigar while basking in all of his cinematic glory while he flirts with Meg Ryan.
The Cowboy: Women… love me. But you know that. But for serious, two things to know about me: One: I make love with my boots on. And two…
(The Cowboy whispers something in Lydia's ear and she makes a disgusted look)
"This is a PG movie, and we're curious to know what he said to Lydia that disgusted her." Sean said.
Sean: (V/O as The Cowboy) And two… I have a huge package.
Sean: (Narrating) But hey, at least it won't interfere with Jack trying to hit it off with Francine Smith.
Wendy: I'm a complete mess, you know?
(Jack nods his head)
Wendy: You know?
Jack Putter: Yeah.
Wendy: You're probably the only person at the supermarket that I haven't slept with. And it's like… you're the only person I'm even partially attracted to.
(Jack smiles at Wendy)
Jack Putter: Thank you.
(Wendy sees Lydia signaling for Jack)
Wendy: That lady is signaling you.
(Jack is sipping his drink through a straw and turns around and sees Lydia signaling him)
"Dang it! Just when I thought I was gonna get some from Wendy and suddenly I get cockblocked by the chick from When Harry Met Sally." Sean said, imitating Jack.
Sean: (Narrating) Lydia tells Jack that The Cowboy is meeting with Scrimshaw and that they're picking him up at the hotel and they're gonna give him the microchip. But then The Cowboy and Lydia head back to the hotel where he's gonna give her the good, the bad and the ugly. This gets Jack pumped up and ready to kick some ass because he's not going to let some cowboy put his hands on a beautiful woman like Lydia, and he's gonna need a little help from Tuck.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Look, you got something to say, why don't you say it.
Jack Putter: She deserves better. That's all.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Better than what?
Jack Putter: Better than you.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Oh! I knew it! You think she goes for you, don't you, pal? You know what she sees in you, Jack? She sees me.
Jack Putter: All right, Pendleton, that's it. Where are you? (Hits his chest) Where are you, you little weasel?
(Jack slaps himself in the face)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Save it for the Cowboy.
"If this was a romantic comedy, we would love to see Tuck and Jack fight over the same woman." Sean said.
(Jack walks down the hallway and heads to a door)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Ah! Wrong door!
(Jack bumps into the fire exit door)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: That's an exit, Jack. Come on, now, control it.
Sean: (V/O as Jack) Music of Jerry Goldsmith, don't fail me now!
(Jack marches to the Cowboy's hotel room and kicks the door open. The Cowboy is seen wearing his cowboy hat, underwear and cowboy boots)
The Cowboy: Big Jack!
(The Cowboy pops the cork off a champagne bottle, the cork whizzes past Jack's face)
The Cowboy: Don't knock, just come.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Ah, duke the son of a bitch!
(Jack slugs The Cowboy in the face, knocking him out. We hear an Indiana Jones-style punching sound effect after he punches The Cowboy)
"When did Ben Burtt take over for the movie's sound design? What's with that punching sound effect from Indiana Jones?" Sean said.
(The clip is shown once more with the Indiana Jones punching sound effect followed by clip from Raiders of the Lost Ark where we see Indy punching the big hulking Nazi repeatedly followed by a clip from Batman: Mask of the Phantasm where we see Batman punching out a gangster with an uppercut)
"Movies love to use that famous sound effect. I would love to use that sound effect in my reviews." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Turns out that Lydia wasn't in The Cowboy's room, she was next door waiting for Jack. But hey, that was a hell of a punch. Anyway, Jack ties up The Cowboy and Tuck uses the pod's equipment to control Jack's facial muscles and we get a pretty hilarious scene which shows this movie's wackiness.
Jack Putter: (Looks at the mirror) What are we gonna do?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: I'm going to attempt an electronic simulation of your nerves and muscles.
Jack Putter: What's that mean?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: I'm gonna alter your face.
Jack Putter: My face? Change my face? How do you do that?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Uh… Eh… It's complicated. I don't even understand it myself. But just… trust me.
Jack Putter: Will it hurt?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Uh… yeah.
Jack Putter: Well, let's not do it then…
(Jack screams as Tuck starts to alter his face. He makes some really goofy facial expressions while Tuck does this)
Lydia Maxwell: What are you doing in there, Jack? (Knocks on the bathroom door) Are you okay?
"Oh, man. I just love Joe Dante's movies. He tends to add some pretty wacky moments in it and he's not afraid to do so." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Plus, I tend to get a good laugh from seeing Martin Short's goofy facial expressions. That's what makes this scene hilarious.
(Jack steps out of the bathroom, he looks up and sees Lydia. Lydia then freaks out to see that Jack's face is different, revealing that he's posing as The Cowboy)
Jack Putter: What?
Lydia Maxwell: What did you do to him?
Jack Putter: Who?
Lydia Maxwell: Jack.
Jack Putter: Jack.
Lydia Maxwell: Jack!
Jack Putter: I'm Jack.
Lydia Maxwell: No! You get away from me! Get away! Stay away!
Sean: (Narrating) Lydia freaks out from seeing The Cowboy while Jack tries to convince her that it's him with The Cowboy's face after she sees the actual Cowboy in the bathroom. But there's no time to explain because Scrimshaw's men shows up to pick up The Cowboy. So Jack, who's posing as The Cowboy, and Lydia are taken to Scrimshaw to steal the chip from him.
Victor Scrimshaw: (Shakes Jack/Cowboy's hand) How long has it been, Cowboy?
Jack/Cowboy: Uh, you tell me.
Victor Scrimshaw: Almost six years.
Jack/Cowboy: Ah.
Victor Scrimshaw: Don't you remember? Idi Amin's barbecue?
Jack/Cowboy: Oh, yes. How could I forgot? The sauce.
"Boy, Idi Amin must've had one hell of a barbecue. He even invited Khomeni, Gorbachev, Arafat, Gadhafi and Castro to his cookout. Not to mention, Boris Yeltsin's drunken ass tried to crash the barbecue." Sean said.
Victor Scrimshaw: You know, Cowboy, I don't know what it is, but there's something about you. Please. You have changed, you're different.
Jack/Cowboy: Uh, yes… I've been sick.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Good thinking, Jack.
Victor Scrimshaw: Have some champagne. (Offers a cigar) Please, join me. I believe these are the kind you like. Cuban?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Cuban? Hey, Jack, you're in luck, Cuban are the best.
"Cuban cigars. You do realize that Cuban cigars are illegal in the United States, mostly because of the Cuban trade embargo since 1962 and that embargo is still in effect." Sean said as he sticks a Cuban cigar in his mouth. "But then again, this is an arms dealer were talking about here. They're known to smuggle illegal weapons and selling them so he probably had some one smuggling Cuban cigars into the country."
Sean takes the cigar from out of his mouth and looks at it. "How the hell did this cigar get here?"
Sean: (Narrating) Hopefully, Jack doesn't screw up and when Dr. Canker hands Jack the chip, things start to go wrong when the fake gold tooth falls out of his mouth and Scrimshaw realizes that there's something up and he brings up something really important about The Cowboy that Jack and Lydia did not know about… his incredible tolerance to pain.
Lydia Maxwell: His what?
Jack/Cowboy: His what?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: His what?
Victor Scrimshaw: His ability to withstand pain. His stoicism is legendary. Hiding your light under a bushel, Cowboy? That is so unlike you. If that is who you are.
(Scrimshaw holds Jack's hand down on the table)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Uh-oh.
Victor Scrimshaw: Do you mind satisfying my curiosity on that point? In lieu of champagne… how about some real pain? Propane?
(Mr. Igoe turns on a blowtorch on his artificial hand and burns a biscuit)
"Okay, Ransik has a blowtorch on his hand. I'm scared now." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack's nervousness overrides the transformation of his face and we get another face transformation scene, courtesy of special effects master Rob Bottin.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Try to stay calm, Jack!
(Jack/Cowboy make some goofy facial expressions in front of Scrimshaw, Dr. Canker and Lydia)
Victor Scrimshaw: Cowboy, stop it. Don't do that. I was just kidding.
(One of Scrimshaw's men faints from the sight of Jack/Cowboy's face changing)
"Like I said, Joe Dante adding some goofiness into his movies." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack's face changes back to normal and him and Lydia try to steal the chip, but they end up getting captured and locked in the basement. While Jack tries to find a way out, Lydia just stands around while waiting for Jack to tell her what's going on, which he does, but she doesn't believe him. So Tuck has Jack repeat what he says to him so she can believe him.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Lydia…
Jack Putter: Lydia…
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: I don't blame you for walking out on me that morning.
Jack Putter: I don't blame you for walking out on me that morning.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: But it was my heart that was broken, and not my toe.
Jack Putter: But it was my heart that was broken and not my toe. What?
Lydia Maxwell: Tuck? It's you.
(Lydia walks up to Jack and she tries to kiss him, but Jack steps back)
Jack Putter: Wait. Let's all just wait a second. Tuck?
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Uh-huh?
Jack Putter: I want a moment alone. I want you to shut off your sensors, no picture and no sound.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: That's a bad idea, Jack. I can't do that. What if I can't restore contact?
Jack Putter: Look… I just… I want one moment alone.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Alone with Lydia, you mean, huh?
"I mean, if it's going to be my last day on Earth, I might as well make it the best of it." Sean said, imitating Jack.
Sean: (Narrating) Tuck cuts contact with Jack and him and Lydia share a kiss, which ends up transferring Tuck into Lydia's body through their saliva without them even knowing. Jack and Lydia are taken to their laboratory and they strap Jack down onto the table. Meanwhile, Tuck is venturing inside Lydia's body while he's trying to contact Jack and he spots a little surprise.
(Tuck sees that Lydia is pregnant with is child)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Lydia. I'm in Lydia. (Smiles and laughs) Oh, Lydia. I'm a dad.
"And because of this movie, we all know what a growing baby looks like inside of a woman. This is a movie that you should show to students in science class." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Lydia knocks out one of the dumbest goon's ever when he sticks his hand inside her purse and tases himself with her taser and she calls Duane for help. While that's going on, Scrimshaw and his men shrink Mr. Igoe down in their little miniaturization machine and they inject him inside Jack so he can take out Tuck and the pod and grab the chip. But then Lydia shows up, armed and dangerous, and orders them to release Jack.
Victor Scrimshaw: Young lady, you are in over your head here.
(Lydia points the gun at Scrimshaw)
Lydia Maxwell: Let him go.
(They release Jack and he rolls off of the table and moves over to Lydia)
Lydia Maxwell: Okay, now what do we do?
Jack Putter: I'll tell you what we're gonna do. Everybody into the miniaturizer.
Lydia Maxwell: Everybody into the miniaturizer!
(Lydia waves her gun away and accidentally fires off a shot)
(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)
Homer Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): Oops.
Sean: (Narrating) They get Scrimshaw, Dr. Canker and the other scientists into the miniaturizer and Jack unknowingly shrinks everyone down to half their original size without him not knowing how to operate it and he retrieves the chip. Meanwhile, Tuck approaches Lydia's eardrum and plays Sam Cooke's "Cupid" so he can alert them.
Lydia Maxwell: Listen!
Jack Putter: What?
Lydia Maxwell: You hear that?
Jack Putter: What?
Lydia Maxwell: Music. Do you hear that?
Jack Putter: No. Come on.
Sean: (V/O as Lydia) I'm pretty sure that heard some music. Maybe somebody has the radio on.
"Also, I just love that little bit that's coming up right now." Sean said.
(One of the henchmen opens the miniaturizer door and the police see the result of what happened to Scrimshaw, Canker and the other scientists. We don't see them but the cops and the henchman's reaction)
Dr. Margaret Canker: The police.
Victor Scrimshaw: Damn it! Who called the police?
Dr. Margaret Canker: Let's get out of here.
Cop #1 (Played by Mike Garibaldi): Shit!
Victor Scrimshaw: Margaret, look what you've done to us. Officer, give me a hand.
(The henchman takes off his sunglasses, his eyes widened in surprise and he faints)
"Well, goddamn! There's something you don't see every day. By the way, that's Victor "Goddamn" Sullivan himself Richard McGonagle from the Uncharted games." Sean said as a picture of Richard McGonagle as the second cop is shown along with a picture of Sully from the Uncharted series.
(Jack and Lydia are running down the stairs, until a henchman turns around and spots the duo as they try to run back up)
Henchman: Hold it!
Lydia Maxwell: (Points the gun at the henchman) You hold it!
Henchman: I bet it ain't even loaded.
Lydia Maxwell: Oh, yeah?
(Lydia points the gun up in the air and pulls the trigger, there are no bullets left in the gun)
"Awww, no bullets." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack manages to knock out the henchman and Lydia starts hearing the their song and realizes that Tuck's inside her.
Jack Putter: What are you talking about? You mean Tuck is inside you?
Lydia Maxwell: Yes.
Jack Putter: But that means I just… (Sees the henchman getting up) Oh, shit.
Sean: (Narrating) Well, there's your PG rating, folks. Aren't you glad that you sat in the theaters with your kids just to hear Martin Short curse like a sailor?
Jack Putter: Hi, Mr. Killer. Gee, I'm really sorry…
(Jack kicks the henchman in the face, knocking him down the stairs)
Sean: (Narrating) Jack and Lydia steal Scrimshaw's car and they realized how Tuck was inside Lydia was because they kissed. The two kiss, sending Tuck and the pod back inside Jack through their saliva.
(A clip from Tiny Toon Adventures is shown)
Baby Plucky (Voiced by Nate Ruegger): Ewwww!
Sean: (Narrating) With Tuck back inside of Jack, our heroes are on their way to Vector-Scope with the chip, but then Jack and Lydia deal with a tiny little problem.
(A shrunken Scrimshaw and Canker start attacking Jack and Lydia while Jack is driving the car)
"Oh, great. Now, I have to play this song." Sean said while trying to hold his laughter.
(The Lollipop Guild song from The Wizard of Oz starts playing throughout the scene)
Sean: (Narrating) Tuck's not the only one inside Jack when he has to contend with Mr. Igoe, who has his own craft and he tries to dispatch the pod, in a scene that's pretty intense while switching back to a wild driving sequence through the streets of San Francisco. But eventually, Pete spots Jack and Lydia and they head to his car. Back inside Jack, Tuck disables Igoe's craft, but then Igoe ejects from out of his craft and tries to take out the air tanks on Tuck's pod with his artificial hand drill, until the pod heads down into Jack's stomach.
(The same clip from Tiny Toon Adventures plays again)
Baby Plucky: Ewwww!
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Jack, are you feeling nervous?
Jack Putter: Actually, I'm feeling pretty relaxed now, thanks.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: I need some stomach acid, Jack, and I need lots of it.
Jack Putter: Oh, no, no, please. Give me a break.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Jack, I don't want to alarm you, but I think I saw something down here and, well, it's probably benign, but…
Jack Putter: A tumor? You saw a tumor? How big?
"IT'S NOT A TUMOR!" Sean yelled out, imitating John Kimble from Kindergarten Cop.
Sean: (Narrating) Tuck agitates Jack's anxiety to increase his stomach acid and finally does Ransik in.
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Okay, pal. Here's how I spell relief.
(Tuck pushes the pod down into Jack's stomach acid, taking Igoe with him as Igoe screams. We the pod plunge into the stomach acids. We then see Igoe's skeleton after he gets digested by Jack's stomach acids)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Jack, it worked. You just digested the bad guy.
(Jack burps)
"Wow, that's a pretty gruesome image. Even for a PG movie. That could've gotten a PG-13 rating like Gremlins 2." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack, Lydia and Pete head down to Vector-Scope while Tuck has only minutes of supplemental oxygen left in his tank and he makes his way to his lung and his only chance for him to make it out is for him to sneeze. And since Jack is allergic to hairspray, he makes himself sneeze, getting out of Jack and landing on Dr. Niles' glasses. They put the chip in and they finally manage to re-enlarge Tuck and the pod and he reunites with Lydia and finally meets Jack in person. And we cut to days later as we see Tuck and Lydia getting married and Jack being the best man at their wedding.
Jack Putter: Well… we sure made one hell of a team, didn't we?
(Lydia kisses Jack and hugs him and Tuck kisses him on his cheek)
Lt. Tuck Pendleton: Take care, Big Jack.
"And in real life, Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan did get married in 1991 until they split in 2000. But hey, they did have a son together and it's Jack Quaid." Sean said.
Sean: (Narrating) Jack and Lydia are on their way to their honeymoon and he has the chips as his cufflinks and Jack realizes who the chauffer is after he put Scrimshaw and Dr. Canker in the back of the limo while he has some important things in his life like Dr. Greenbush wanting to run some tests on him, Wendy wanting to date Jack and Mr. Wormwood wanting him to work on Monday and Jack becomes confident and in control of his life.
Jack Putter: Doc, I'm cured. Wendy, not a chance. And Mr. Wormwood, thank you. And I quit.
(Jack jumps into Tuck's 1976 Mustang)
Jack Putter: Jack Putter to the rescue!
(Jack drives off and we see him pursuing the limo to rescue Tuck and Lydia while Rod Stewart's rendition of "Twistin' the Night Away" starts playing while the end credits are shown)
"And that was Innerspace and I absolutely love this movie." Sean said.
(Clips of the movie are shown once more)
Sean: (Narrating) What can I say about this movie? This is your typical Joe Dante movie with it being fun, smart and clever with some of it's goofiness. Aside from it's humor, it's packed with amazing visual effects as well. It's a movie that will amaze and make you laugh. This movie still holds up incredibly well years later and if this is a movie that you want to watch with your kids, then show it to them. They'll get a good laugh from it and be amazed at the amazing effects of the film. Just don't show them Ransik's vibrator hand. That's a bit much for a PG movie. Innerspace comes in at 5 miniaturized pods out of 5.
"I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said as he gets up from off of the couch and heads upstairs.
Mayhem Critic Tagline- Hey! I'm not buying that aspirin now!/At $800 a bottle, who would want to?
Whew! And I'm finished with the review of Innerspace for The Mayhem Critic. I apologize for the long wait, I've been pretty busy with work and stuff. Also, I've been busy working on a new iCarly one-shot which is a Seddie one-shot called The Detective and the P.I., plus, I've been binge-watching Law & Order on Hulu and I'm on season ten. Again, sorry for the wait. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, now, I know that I said that I was going to review Beetlejuice Beetlejuice, but I'm gonna save that for Sequelitis Month: The Revenge, I'm going to review a Richard Gere movie. Can you guess which Richard Gere movie I'm going to review? Let me give you a hint: it's a film from 1990 and it is one of those movies that marked his big comeback. Plus, it also stars Andy Garcia. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, I will be taking a little break from this story after I'm finished with the next review and I will be back in March for Sequelitis Month: The Revenge. I will be working on a couple of one-shots that I'll be working on. Here are some of the upcoming one-shots:
The Detective and the P.I. (Freddie Benson/Sam Puckett, iCarly)
After Hours (Jack McCoy/Claire Kincaid, Law & Order)
Addicted to You (Stacey McGill/Sam Thomas, The Babysitter's Club)
Releasing Tension (Xander McCormick/Taylor Otto, Bunk'd & American Housewife)
A Stalker Watches (Lucas Sinclair/Max Mayfield, Stranger Things)
A Love Rekindled (Bruce Wayne/Andrea Beaumont, Batman: The Animated Series)
Cabin Nights (Doug Williams III/Holly Jonas, Days of Our Lives)
Her Client (Holly Jonas/Emma Scorpio-Drake, Days of Our Lives & General Hospital)
The Bartender (Holly Jonas/Tate Black, Days of Our Lives)
Sunbathing in the Summer (Xander McCormick/Taylor Otto, Bunk'd & American Housewife)
I hope you all are excited for these new upcoming one-shots that I'm going to be working on. Any one-shots you want me to work on or any pairings you would like to request, feel free to PM me if you're interested. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.