There had been a big mission requiring the whole team. Jay in a state of desperate panic managed to mildly electrocute most of his teammates, however they had recovered from the blunder, and the mission still ended up being a success.
When they get back from the mission most of the ninja head below deck to change and clean up. Lloyd tugs on Jay's sleeve. "Hey, can we talk?"
Jay sighs and stays behind. "Sure. Look, about the mission… I know it wasn't my best, but we got the guy, and no one got seriously hurt." He chuckles nervously. "I know what you're going to say, but I'm fine. Just been a bit tired lately." Jay can't help but yawn as Lloyd frowns at him, chewing his lip.
"Jay…"
"What's got you so serious, it's not like this is the first time I've stuffed something up!" Jay forces a smile onto his face, and pats Lloyd on the shoulder. "Good chat, um, but I should really go change."
He turns to follow the others when Lloyd grabs his arm. "Jay. If I ask to talk with you, it means I have something to say."
Jay sighs, turning back towards Lloyd who pauses, Lloyd looks almost scared. Jay frowns, growing more apprehensive about where this was going.
"Look," Lloyd finally says, "the reason you've been so tired lately… um, well I think you really need to talk to Cole."
Jay furrows his brow further, then closes his eyes and lets out a frustrated sigh. "Oh. shit." His shoulders slump as he drops the cheery facade. Lloyd reaches out an arm of comfort, thinking Jay had just realised Cole has been possessing him. "How long have you known?" Asks Jay flatley.
Lloyd blinks in surprise. "Wait… you already know?"
"Know what? That Cole has been possessing me while I sleep? Of course I know!" Jay turns to lean on the railing, leg bouncing up and down as he fiddles with his hands. "You of all people know how it feels, like, did you really think a ghost could go in and out of my body without me catching on?"
Lloyd lets out a sigh. "But, then why didn't you say anything?"
"Gee. Why didn't I tell my ghost traumatised teammate, that my ghost friend was possessing me for kicks? Hmm. You want to think on that just a little bit longer?" Lloyd looks wounded. "A better question is why didn't you tell me? You thought Cole was possessing me without consent, and you're just what, ok with it? After what you went through with Morro?" Jay leans over, tugging gently on his hair.
"I'm sorry, I should have told you sooner…" Lloyd stammers.
"Cole must be doing really bad if you kept it from me." Jay is almost whispering. Tears forming in the corners of his eyes.
Lloyd lets out a sigh, realising that Jay is more scared about Cole than he is angry at him, so he reaches out a hand to hold his shoulder reassuringly. "But if you knew, if you were ok, why haven't you talked to Cole?"
"I never said I was ok." Jay snaps, lifting his head a little, still looking out towards the ocean, unable to meet Lloyd's eyes. "But I'm managing. It's fine. I'm not going to be the reason we lose him."
"Jay…" A deep guilt spreads through Lloyd. He had let this go on far too long.
"I haven't spoken to Cole because if he knew I was awake half the time, if he knew how awful it feels, then he would stop, and he's barely holding on as it is…" tears start to fall down Jay's face. "And it's stupid cause he's so gentle, he just wanders around the bounty, stares at the moon, occasionally eats something, plays video games with the sound off. Like he's not doing anything bad, and if I start panicking he gets out right away, but, I just…" Jay covers his face with his hands.
"Jay? Do you want Cole to stop?" Asks Lloyd.
Jay pauses, that pause telling Lloyd everything he needed to know. "I, I want Cole to be ok."
Lloyd squeezes his shoulder. "And if he was ok, if he didn't need to, would you want him to stop?"
Jay nods immediately. "Does that make me a bad friend?" He whispers.
"No. Of course not. Your well being is just as important as Cole's ok? We can't have you keeping him warm by setting yourself on fire ok?"
"It's not that bad. I'm ok, I'll manage."
"You're not managing." Says Lloyd with a frown, finally getting to the reason he pulled Jay aside to begin with. "You're exhausted, jumpy as all hell, you've got this haunted look like you're scared all the time, and your fighting is well, desperate, lacking your normal confidence and control."
Jay chuckles nervously. "Well, um, most of that is actually an unrelated problem…"
Lloyd looks at him with a raised eyebrow. There is an awkward pause before Lloyd asks, "Do you care to explain?"
Jay rubs at the back of his head. "Remember in the engine room? How I said I was trapped somewhere?"
"Yeah." says Lloyd, face turning into a frown. "I still can't figure out when it happened."
"Heh, well, the when is really hard to explain… but, a month or so ago something happened that made me remember. It's just been on my mind lately, giving me nightmares, making me jumpy, it has nothing to do with Cole ok?"
"But something to do with Nya?"
Jay lets out a small sigh. "Yeah. Nya, well, it was hard for her too. We've both been stuck remembering things we would rather forget. But it's fine, we're fine! There's no danger. We're working through it."
"What, like in therapy?"
Jay blinks, he wasn't sure if any therapist would know how to deal with evil wish granting Djinns. "Um, not yet? but I did see a doctor."
Lloyd lets out a sigh. "I'm sure sleep deprivation isn't helping with, um, all that."
"Yeah… probably not." admits Jay before letting out a small yawn.
"I'll talk to Cole." says Lloyd with confidence.
"No! You can't. Please!" begs Jay.
"Jay, this can't continue, you need a break at least. A few nights off to get some proper sleep."
Jay hangs his head, knowing Lloyd is right. "Just, don't tell him I know."
"Fine." says Lloyd, as Jay walks off.
Cole was worried about Jay. After the mission he went below deck with everyone out of habit, but quickly remembered he didn't need to change or clean up. He was a ghost, couldn't even wear clothes, stuck in the gi he was wearing when he first got ghosted.
He lets out a frustrated sigh before turning around and heading back up to the deck. He sees Lloyd and Jay talking, so walks over towards them. He is about to announce his presence when he hears Jay say "Cole must be doing really bad if you kept it from me."
Cole freezes. Oh shit. They were talking about him. About his possessions.
"But if you knew, if you were ok, why haven't you talked to Cole?" asks Lloyd.
Cole forces himself to go invisible, not wanting them to realise what he had heard.
"I never said I was fine." Jay snaps, and it breaks Cole's heart. A knot of guilt and shame churns in his guts. I'm hurting Jay, this whole time… my best friend…
"But I'm managing. It's fine. I'm not going to be the reason we lose him." The words drift through Cole as he turns to leave. He couldn't listen to this, especially not in secret. His mind spirals, losing touch with his surroundings, he needs to be alone. The others are below deck, so he heads up to the navigation room. He stands by one of the control terminals, staring at his faint reflection in the dark screen. Reflecting on his mistakes.
He had let it get out of hand, lately he had been possessing Jay every single night. Each day dragged out in an excruciating wait for the next session, the next time he would be able to feel something, feel anything. Of course it wasn't good for Jay, but he had been ignoring the growing bags under his eyes, blaming them on Nadakhan. He found every excuse possible to keep going, because FSM he needed this. So what was he going to do? He didn't want to hurt his friends, he didn't want to hurt Jay. But he needed it… Shit, this was all his fault.
"Cole, there you are. I need to speak with you."
Cole knew Lloyd would be looking for him next. He stands up tall as he turns to face Lloyd, trying desperately to put off the inevitable dissociation. Trying to look like he isn't shouldering crippling guilt. "I need to stop." says Cole, it still comes out glum and defeated despite his efforts. "I need to stop, don't I? With Jay?"
"Yeah." says Lloyd, glad that this conversation was likely going to be easier than the previous one.
"I told you I wasn't hurting him. So, if I was wrong, I need to stop."
Lloyd nods. "I'm glad you understand. I think he's not sleeping well because of it or something? He needs a break."
Cole squints slightly. Why isn't he telling me that Jay knows? At least that meant the conversation would likely finish quickly, he wasn't sure how long he could hold his focus.
"Is there anything you need?" asks Lloyd gently. "To make it easier? Someone to stay up with you?"
Cole shakes his head. "It's fine, I'll figure something out." It won't help. Nothing helps.
Cole had spent what remained of the afternoon dissociating. He forced himself to turn up to dinner. Watching uncomfortably as the others ate. He nibbled on a bit of bread, more for something to do, rather than it bringing him any joy. Nothing tasted right, it was all grainy and bland, and he still wasn't really sure where it went? But it meant he could be here, with his friends at the table, feeling like he was part of the meal.
Eventually dinner was over and people started heading to bed. Cole, resigned to a night of solitude, goes onto the deck to do some fishing. He manages to tie some knots, set up the lure as he had practised with Zane, and casts off over the railing. He puts the rod in the special holder, it was too much of a struggle to try and hold it for too long. Holding stuff had been getting harder, he didn't want to admit it, had been trying to ignore it, but it was. He knew it was. Just being here was getting harder. He didn't belong. A ghost wasn't supposed to live, wasn't supposed to be in this realm.
After a while he got tired of watching the lure bob in the water, and lay back onto the deck. He stares up at the night sky, seeing the moon glaring down on him like some sort of omen, surrounded by sparkling stars. It was beautiful, but also didn't hold his focus for long. Mind drifting to the nothingness, the hollow empty place where it frequently drifted these days. The place where if he just stopped trying so hard, he occasionally heard whispers of his mother's voice. That place was going to swallow him whole, and soon.
The stars fade, as the sky gradually shifts in colour and brightness. Cole doesn't move, still staring up into the heavens with unblinking eyes.
Pressure flares through his chest as two white clad feet walk right through him. Cole turns his head slightly to see Zane making his way to the navigation room, going to set their course for the day.
He didn't even see me…
Cole raises one hand in front of his face, he wasn't trying to be invisible right now. It was faint, barely visible in the morning sun. He lays it back down on the deck with a small sigh, struggling to care. What could he do about it anyway?
He stays there watching the sun slowly make its way through the sky. A few people walk through him, but no one stops, no one notices until well after noon, when Jay's face fills up most of Cole's field of view. Pressure flares in his hands, Jay's mouth was moving. He needs to snap out of it. He needs to show Jay of all people that he is fine.
Cole forces himself to sit up, and focus on what Jay was saying.
"Cole, are you ok? No one knew where you were. Have you been out here all night?"
Cole shrugs. "I was just doing some fishing." he says, gesturing to the fishing rod.
Jay looks at him with a raised eyebrow. "We've been flying for hours. I don't think you're going to catch much up here."
"Right." says Cole sheepishly, scratching his head. "Guess I just lost focus for a moment." He forces a smile as he stands up to pack away the fishing gear.
"A moment?" asks Jay, voice high pitched and panicky.
"I'm fine." lies Cole, "I'm just becoming an expert on zoning out. It's nothing to worry about." He finishes reeling in the line. The lure had snapped off at some point in the night, or during the flight. Which really wasn't surprising given how much attention he had been giving it. "How about you, are you ok? You seemed a bit off yesterday."
Jay huffs. "I was just a bit tired, that's all. I got a good solid 14 hours sleep, so I'm great. All better. So you don't need to worry about me ok? Whatever the team needs, I'm ready, I can take it."
Cole reads between the lines. If you need to, you can possess me. But Jay doesn't come out and say it, because that would mean admitting that he knew. And neither of them wanted to talk about that. Not yet anyway. One good sleep wasn't enough to fix what Cole had put him through, Cole knew that, but appreciated the gesture all the same. He didn't deserve friends like Jay.
"I'm glad you're feeling better." he says. And he was, or he would be, if Jay wasn't lying through his teeth.
Jay stares at Cole with worry, watching him fumble with the rod as he packs it away. He was so transparent! Barely visible in the bright sunlight. He hoped the lighting was to blame, and not the fact he had taken one night off.
Cole somehow manages to make it through the rest of what remained of the day, masking his pain, appearing as normal as he possibly could. Wading through the mud in his mind in order to complete even simple tasks.
When the night came, he couldn't do it. He just couldn't do it again. He was going to die. That thought circled through his mind. Round and round and round and round. If he did nothing, he was going to fade right out of existence. And he wasn't ready for that. He needed to do everything he could to stop it.
Cole makes his way to the shared bedroom and stands in the doorway, pausing to examine his sleeping friends. His eyes linger on Jay in his bunk. Despite his earlier offer, he had been through enough. Cole knew Jay was still exhausted, and he had told Lloyd that he would give Jay a break. He shakes his head and moves on.
Zane wasn't going to work. He didn't have a human body. He didn't know what possessing Zane would feel like, but he knew it wasn't what he needed. Nya was also out. She was a girl, and with their history? It definitely felt like some sort of violation. He looks over to Lloyd, sleeping on his side in the bunk underneath Kai. There was no way he would possess Lloyd. Not after Morro. Not after promising him that he wouldn't. Which left Kai.
Cole's eyes drift up to the red ninja. Surely he could slip in without Kai noticing? If he just stayed in the bed, lay there still, just feeling his heartbeat, and the gentle touch of sheets on his skin. Surely that wouldn't be enough to wake him, right? Jay hadn't figured it out right away, had he?
Cole makes his way over to Kai's bunk. He climbs up the first two rungs, and examines his sleeping friend. He was lying on his back, hair messy as ever. Sheets covering half of his body. Cole tentatively reaches out a hand and dives into Kai.
Kai wakes with a start, icy shiver running up his spine. Something was wrong. He tries to move, but finds that he can't. Sleep paralysis? Why did I wake up? Was I having a nightmare? Kai tries to remember, but comes up blank. Normally if he wakes from a nightmare, it's all he can think about, the dream vividly stuck in his mind. This was different, something was wrong. I need to move, why can't I move?! Kai fights with the sleep paralysis demon for control of his body, lashing out with everything he has. He watches his fingers twitch, and then there is another icy shiver as he is released. He draws in a big gasping breath and sits up in the bed, heart racing at the perceived threat.
Underneath Lloyd stirs from the movement of the bed, opening his eyes. Cole is standing beside his bed. Cole takes a stumbling step before vanishing completely. Lloyd frowns, listening to Kai's exaggerated breathing. He gets up out of bed to check on Kai.
"Hey, are you ok?" he asks, voice still laced with fading trails of sleep.
Kai is sitting up in the bed, sweat on his forehead, taking deep breaths. "Yeah, I'm ok." he says, with some composure. "I think I had a nightmare or something."
They all had nightmares occasionally, with everything they had been through, it wasn't unexpected. "What was it about?" asks Lloyd.
Kai cocks his head to the side. "I actually can't remember." His response sounds genuine, which makes sense, because Cole was here. And Lloyd strongly suspected it wasn't a nightmare that had woken Kai.
He must have been frowning, as Kai reaches over to tussle his hair. "I'm fine kiddo, just a dream. Go back to sleep."
Lloyd wanted to go after Cole, yell at him for being an idiot. Give Jay a break doesn't mean go possess someone else! But he also didn't want Kai to worry about him storming off in the middle of the night, so he lays back down on his bed, lying on his side. Watching the room, keeping vigil over his sleeping friends, in case any ghosts come back.
The next morning Lloyd makes an announcement over breakfast.
"There's been a ghost sighting in Jamanakai village." He is greeted by confused stares from the ninja in various states of preparing or eating their breakfasts. "It's probably a false alarm, but just in case, I want everyone to start wearing their deepstone gi again. Day and night."
Jay drops his spoon, staring at Lloyd with a mix of fear and betrayal.
Nya sighs. "Is that really necessary? Those things are heavy."
"Yes, it is." Says Lloyd while turning to look at Cole.
Cole meets Lloyd's eyes for a moment, before dropping his in shame. "Probably a good idea." he says. Jay looks at him, surprised to hear Cole supporting this obvious falsehood. Wanting to argue against it, but unable to do so effectively without revealing the real reason for the announcement.
"Should I change course?" asks Zane.
Lloyd didn't like sending them on a wild goose chase, but they didn't have any important missions right now. "Yes, let's check it out, the least we could do is reassure the villagers." Although he wasn't sure if they would be able to find anyone to reassure. He'd worry about that later. For now he just needed to keep his team safe. He just wished he knew how to help Cole.
Later that morning Zane came looking for Lloyd.
"What's up Zane?"
Zane glances upwards before recognising the colloquialism. "I can not find any record of a ghost sighting near Jamanakai village. Or any ghost sightings at all, anywhere in Ninjago. What exactly is your source?"
Lloyd groans. Lying to the team had been a bad idea. He panics, trying to decide between doubling down, or telling the truth. "Do you trust me?" he asks.
Zane blinks, examining Lloyd's face. "I trust that you want what is best for the team." Lloyd lets out a sigh of relief. "But," Lloyd's eyes dart back up to Zane's, "I also know you are young and inexperienced. If there has been no ghost sighting, I do not understand how lying about it could help the team?"
"Look, I just needed to get everyone wearing their deepstone again." admits Lloyd.
"Did you have a dream about Morro?" Lloyd often wore his own deepstone after a particularly bad dream. "No, this isn't about me, or Morro."
Zane frowns. "Surely you do not think Cole is a threat?"
Lloyd pauses, that gap, speaking volumes. "I'm worried about him." he finally admits. "Can you keep an eye on him, at night? Make sure he's ok?"
Zane nods.
Lloyd is washing the dishes after dinner when Jay ambushes him.
"There wasn't any ghost sighting." states Jay after slipping into the galley, keeping an eye on the doorway, making sure they won't be overheard.
Lloyd sighs. "I was wondering when you'd ask me about it." Truthfully he'd been avoiding talking to Jay all day. Sticking around people who weren't in on that particular secret.
"I've had two solid nights sleep, so I'm fine! You can call off the fake ghosts, and tell Cole I'm all good." Jay crosses his arms, leaning on the wall, at least for now he was obediently wearing the deepstone.
"No." says Lloyd, while continuing to scrub at a stubborn stain on the bottom of a pot.
"What do you mean no?!"
"I mean, you're not fine. Two nights of rest doesn't fix everything, doesn't make what he's doing ok."
"You have no idea what he's going through!" snaps Jay.
Lloyd scoffs. "And you do? You haven't even spoken to him!"
Jay stares at Lloyd with fury. "You were possessed too."
"Thanks for the reminder." Lloyd layers on the sarcasm.
"What I mean is, you must have felt Morro's emotions leak through." Lloyd stops scrubbing. He had. He had felt Morro's frustration, his delight, his rage. "I might not have spoken to Cole, but I know, I know how he's feeling. It's awful, and you just cut off his only lifeline!"
Lloyd sighs. "He tried possessing Kai last night." That at least makes Jay pause. "This isn't just about you anymore."
"Well," Jay's tone softens, unsure of this particular idea, "maybe that's what we need, some sort of roster?"
Lloyd drops the pot into the water. "Are you kidding me? Jay, it doesn't work, you might be helping him feel better, but he's still getting worse. It's not a solution!"
"It's better than doing nothing."
"I'm not doing nothing."
"No, you're wasting our time with fake ghost sightings. Sooo much better than nothing."
Lloyd grips the edge of the sink, tears clinging to his eyes. "I'm just trying to do what's best for the team." he stammers, ashamed to hear a slight crack in his voice.
"I know." says Jay with some hesitation, "but if we lose him because of this, I'll never forgive you." He goes to leave the room.
"And if I let him keep hurting you, I'll never forgive myself." Lloyd isn't sure if Jay hears him. Not that it really matters, not that it would really change anything. He growls in frustration as he picks the pot back up. This at least he could fix.
That night, after the others are deep asleep Zane goes looking for Cole. He eventually finds him in one of the solo rooms, sitting on the floor with a pen and some paper. As he enters the room Cole drops the pen, and if his muttering was anything to go by, it wasn't the first time.
"Oh, Zane… what are you doing up so late?"
"Lloyd wanted me to check on you."
"Of course he did…" Cole carefully picks up the pen once more.
"What are you doing?" asks Zane, as he sits down next to Cole, there isn't much space in the small room, being mostly taken up by the bed.
"Just writing some letters." says Cole as the pen falls through his fingers once more. He doesn't even try to suppress the growl of frustration. "Which would be so much easier with real hands."
"I could be your hands?" Offers Zane, picking up the pen, and rotating the paper. "Dictate what you want to say, and I can write it down for you." He skims the first line of very messy, barely legible handwriting: Hey dad, I'm sorry. I don't think I have much time le
Cole drags the papers away from Zane. "They're, um, personal." he says, embarrassed.
"Oh." says Zane. He was writing goodbyes. He looks at his friend with concern. He didn't realise Cole's situation had worsened. "Are you ok?"
Cole holds his hands up in front of his face. "I think I'm fading." he admits. "It's getting harder to see me, harder to hold things."
"Does Wu know?"
Cole shrugs. "Wu told me to accept it. Said he couldn't help."
Zane reaches out a comforting hand to Cole, but it slips right through.
"I have an idea." says Zane. "Wait here."
"Sure." says Cole without enthusiasm.
Zane leaves the room and returns a few minutes later with a tape recorder. Cole frowns, seeing the object. "If holding a pen is too difficult, then maybe an audio message is better? Just press this button to record, and this one to stop. A button press is easier than a pen, right?"
Cole nods. It would make things easier. He could always have done something similar on his phone, but the tapes felt more tangible. Something he could package up in envelopes. "Thanks Zane, that helps."
Zane goes to leave, pausing in the doorway. "Remember, Ninja never quit."
"Yeah." says Cole, unable to bring himself to say the full statement.
Zane leaves, retreating to the control room. He had an idea about how to help Cole, a wild stab in the dark, and needed to do some research.