Tasam1075 requested: 'I tried...' Aftermath of suicide? Partner or brother maybe?
JMount74 requested: 'I tried. I tried so hard, why couldn't you?' Gordon saying the words to character of your choice please!
A/N: I tweaked the request slightly and the words are being said to Gordon rather than by Gordon, so I hope that's alright!
This fic is set after Chapter 2- 'Disappearance', and I would recommend reading that one first so this makes sense!
Warnings for mentions of recent suicide attempt
"I tried. I tried so hard. Why couldn't you?"
Virgil wasn't fast enough to get there before the words were said, anger and hurt clear in the tone.
He felt like he had been stabbed in the chest, his stomach dropping. He stumbled, clutching onto a wall to keep himself upright, as the shock of his father's words hit him. He couldn't believe his dad would say something like that. He wouldn't, he knew better. How could he say that when Gordon was in such a fragile state?
The reminder of his brother had him moving forward again, running to the living room just like he had been doing after he'd heard the yelling match begin.
When he first heard the raised voices, he'd hoped to get there quick enough to diffuse the situation before anything bad happened. However, he was clearly too late, although he hadn't expected it to get this bad.
He reached the room to find it in silence. A stunned, still silence, and Virgil came to another abrupt stop for the second time in a matter of seconds.
He took in the room. His brother stood only a few metres away from their dad. They both stared at each other, clearly just as shocked by the words as Virgil was.
Movement caught his eye, the only movement in the room, and he turned to find Scott at the top of the kitchen stairs, panting. He briefly met Virgil's eyes, his gaze telling him that he had heard everything as well.
It was Gordon who finally broke the stillness of the room. He didn't say anything, just simply turned any from their father and made his way out of the room.
"Gordon-" Virgil tried as his brother passed him, but Gordon gave no indication that he'd even heard him. He just kept his gaze to the ground.
Virgil watched him go, his heart aching to reach out and grab his brother and pull him into a hug. But he knew Gordon would not want that right now, and doing so would only make it worse.
The three of them waited until Gordon was out of sight and they could no longer hear the sounds of his crutches against the laminate flooring, before the room blew up again.
Scott got there first, marching over to their dad with such venomous ferocity that Virgil's priorities moved from chewing his father out to making sure that Scott didn't kill him first.
"How could you say that to him?" Scott shoved their dad, who simply stumbled back without resistance. "You know how vulnerable he is right now!"
"Scott." Virgil grabbed Scott by the shoulder as his brother went to raise an arm. He didn't need two family members doing something they regretted today.
Scott listened to his warning, and dropped his arm, but his fists still stayed clenched. He let out a deep exhale.
"I- I didn't mean to- I don't know why I said that." Their dad at least had the nerve to seem regretful. His shoulders slumped, and he couldn't even make eye contact with either of them. Any anger he had been feeling before left his body the same time those words left his mouth.
There were so many things that Virgil wanted to yell at their dad in that moment. However, he also didn't want to do anything he regretted. He may have stopped Scott from doing something irrational, but he couldn't say the same thing for himself.
Besides, there was also someone he much rather needed to be with, and he knew that Scott would say everything that Virgil wished to.
"I'm going to go make sure Gordon is okay," Virgil announced, and the nod that Scott sent his way confirmed that he had this handled.
It wasn't difficult to find his brother. He was sitting on the deck, his legs hanging off the ledge so his feet dangled above the pool. Gordon's back was turned to him, but Virgil could see the way his shoulders shook, and his heart ached all over again.
As Virgil stepped outside, he purposely tried to make his footsteps loud so he didn't startle his brother. He slowly sat down, prepared for Gordon to tell him to go away, but his brother didn't protest. Still, he purposely left a gap between them so Gordon wouldn't feel overwhelmed.
"He didn't mean it," Virgil started.
He didn't want to defend his dad, but he also believed that he didn't intend to say those words. Emotions had been high since Gordon came home from the hospital barely a week ago, since his accident months ago if Virgil was honest, and things were bound to explode eventually. It just happened to all come out in a nasty way.
"You did," Gordon muttered, breaking his silence and startling Virgil.
It felt like someone had punched him in the gut, the guilt from that day returning tenfold. Virgil remembered what he'd said in the hospital, his first instinct to blame his brother to mask his own feelings of guilt that he'd let his brother down, and he'd regretted it ever since. However, neither he nor Gordon had brought it up since then, and Virgil had naively assumed that his brother didn't hold it against him.
Clearly, that wasn't the case, and Gordon was still hurting from his words of anger.
"I didn't, Gordon. I swear I didn't mean any of it. I was just upset and scared and guilty because I wasn't there for you and you felt so alone you had to do something like that."
He was an awful brother, and he was no better than his father.
"He blames me," Gordon continued in his quiet voice, a broken sound that didn't belong to his brother. "Which I deserve. He put so much effort into finding a good hospital, and he spent so much money on my recovery, and I just tried to throw it all away."
He sat twisted away from Virgil, shielding his face and emotions, but Virgil could hear the crack in his voice and the small sniffs.
"And still, even knowing that, it doesn't stop me from wanting to do it again."
"Gordon-" Hearing that from his brother, in a voice that didn't sound like him, made Virgil's heart feel like it was being ripped out of his chest. He didn't know what to say, how to make it all better, which was the worst part of all of this. He felt so helpless.
"I won't," Gordon quickly added, and finally lifted his head towards Virgil, the tear streaks visible on his cheeks. "Even if I want to, I won't."
Gordon held his gaze through tear filled eyes. Virgil wasn't sure if his brother could make a promise like that right now, but he had to believe him. He had to have faith in him if he wanted it to be true.
Right then, the gap between them seemed huge, and Virgil ached to wrap his brother up in his embrace. He slid over to close the space. Gordon didn't protest.
"Dad doesn't blame you." Virgil finally found the words that his brother needed to hear. "He doesn't care about the money, he only cares about you. And you didn't throw anything away. You're still recovering."
"He doesn't even want to pay for rehab anymore." Gordon turned away again and he looked down at his hands in his lap, twisting his fingers together.
Virgil reached over and grasped one hand between his to calm the anxious fidgeting.
"You know that's not why he wanted you to come back home. He wants to keep an eye on you, to feel like he's doing something to help, but no one is forcing you to stay on the island. You can go back to the centre if that's what you want."
"I don't really want to go back there," Gordon replied, which was to both Virgil's delight and dismay.
Virgil was glad for their father's decision to discharge Gordon to continue his recovery at home. It wasn't just him that wanted to keep an eye on Gordon and make sure he didn't try and hurt himself again. Virgil, and the rest of his family too, wanted Gordon around so they could look out for the signs again.
However, the knowledge that Gordon didn't like it at the rehab centre and Virgil had missed that, along with every other thing he had missed with his brother over these past few months, just made him feel even worse.
"You don't have to," Virgil assured.
When Gordon lifted his head again, there was the shadow of a smile.
A moment later, Gordon dropped his head onto Virgil's shoulder, and the two of them settled into a comfortable silence.
There were nagging thoughts in the back of Virgil's mind, that maybe sitting on this hard ground wasn't good for Gordon's back, and that he should perhaps go and check that Scott hadn't murdered their father, but at least for now he would sit out here with his brother, where it was peaceful and quiet, and embrace the feeling that for the first time in a while, things felt like they were getting better.