XXXIX: Once
I crashed into the chambers. My lips screamed for Vishti. "The blood. We have to stop the blood."
They ran with as many rags as they could find.
Nasira, too, carried more along with a vial of nasty yellow liquid. I did not know what it did. Nor what benefit it had. It was the same I administered to him before. Now, it frightened me. My fingers fumbled with the syringe. His skin was slick from blood. I was coated in his hot sticky blood down my back, my neck, my cheeks. Its darkness was everywhere. It rolled my stomach with vile upset.
Feyd laid there, breathing shallower. He did not cry out in pain. He did nothing.
It was a helpless vision of a man I knew to be a monster, unstoppable and strong.
My eyes watered with tears as I fought to stab into him. It was slick with blood. I struggled a few times with no success.
Finally, the needle landed. It thudded through his body. A groan gargled from his throat.
"I'm so sorry, Feyd," I cried.
His shoulder was flayed open. The sickly white flesh was pried open. The inner workings of his muscles and tendons looked at me through its blackened weeping wound. My stomach soured to the point of pain. I had to make this better. I could not stand to see him hurt so gravely.
"What do we do?" I asked Vishti. "What do I do?"
Feyd suddenly succumbed to sleep.
The moment he closed his eyes, I screamed. I thought he died.
My lips pushed against his. I murmured promises against his face if he would please come back to me.
Vishti assured me that he was alive. "His heart. I feel it, yes? He is safe, my lady. Safe."
Nasira left during the commotion. She emerged within the room to see me curled against Feyd, crying. The Harkonnen doctor followed her.
I gasped. "Help him. Save him, please."
The doctor called for assistants of his own skill. We were pushed to the side as they tended to their new young Baron. Nasira held my hand. Our fingers interlaced.
"He's going to need blood to replace what he's lost," the doctor said.
"Mine," I offered. "Take mine."
Vishti shook their head. "No. No, the baby."
"I want him to have it," I said firmly.
The doctor frowned.
"Take my blood for him," I said. "There will be no child if he does not survive. So, use it to save him."
"The na-Baron gave orders, my lady."
"The na-Baron is going to die in this bed," I shrieked. "Every thing will fall apart. Every thing."
One of the doctor's assistants pulled the sleeve from their arm. "Take mine. I will give it for the na-Baron. The lady's too important to give hers. Take mine."
The doctor nodded. "This will do."
Vishti held me tight against their body. It did not ease the shivers. I trembled unable to stop.
That night when it reached us, I stared at Feyd's sleeping body for hours for a sign that he would awaken. The blackness. The abyss, it greeted me once more like an old friend. I stared into its comforting dark with a longing to crawl inside.
What if all my effort was wasted? The blood loss was significant. He could die from that alone.
The abyss knew answers, tempting and brutal. It welcomed me inside it. It yearned to show me the safety of nothingness.
I'd made my peace with death. The abyss never became part of it. Now, it looked at me with the same eyes I imagined to meet alongside Paul Atreides.
I cannot come back to you. You poison me.
The abyss called out, "My poison is sweet and safe. You remember it. There was not this pain, this ache inside your chest. With me, you were safe."
I was not safe. I was dead. Dead walking.
"Look what life has given you. Your heart breaks. Even if he lives you will carry this."
It was right.
I was broken. There was no return to the abyss, because it was dead inside me. One place left me safe. An embrace toward the forever abyss of a dark corridor, a dark door, a dark threshold, from which I could never turn away from. The pieces of me I'd lost would be repaired.
Feyd's clothing lay upon the floor.
I crawled along through darkness to find the subtle hint of a needle through the fabric. One stitched into the seam of his pants near his hip. I recalled the way he reacted if I walked near it. His arms caught me in a panic. It had to be stitched here somewhere.
I pulled the poison needle out from its cocoon. The end sparkled in the glaring rays of highest moonlight.
The lure of its end called out to me. It yearned for my touch.
I beheld it against the light of the moon. The silvery sheen of the metal against the white rays were ethereal. Like it was meant to be the one I met at the end.
The breath of Feyd changed. He suddenly inhaled through his nose.
Wisps of eyelashes danced upon his closed eyes. Their dance slowly rose higher and higher. He stared through heavy sleep. The wash of dreams still laid within them.
"Sweetness," he murmured.
I breathed in excitement. My feet climbed into bed by his side. The needle slipped into the pocket of my dress.
"I'm here."
His eyes scanned the room slowly. The drugs the doctor gave him were strong. They fought against his strength. Every moment he slipped farther away from consciousness.
"I thought you'd gone. I couldn't feel you." His voice was soft. It barely broke the sound of night. The impenetrable sound of its silence.
The whole planet laid dormant.
A wave of sadness rippled through my eyes. I touched his face. My hands cupped the sharp edges of his face with the most care. The touch of his skin was cool. It startled me awake. Feyd was a hot man. His skin always met mine with heat.
I swallowed down my rising fear of his death. "I've not gone. I'm here, Feyd. Yo-your girls." I choked over the words. "Your girls are safe. With you."
His lips mumbled, "my girls."
The drugs took him again. Their pull was too strong against his lost strength.
The next day, Feyd slept in. I awakened and began the long arduous task of readying the people of the court and every remaining Harkonnen to travel back home. Vishti aided me. My body was tired. The whites of my eyes flared red from exhaustion and anxiety.
I spent the night awake, in watch of Feyd. He did not like to be left unsecured. It was the least I could do. I held the poison needle still, in my pocket, as a safety.
In case Paul Atreides or his Fremen brethren changed their minds. Or even the former emperor in retaliation for my disloyalty.
I'd have used Feyd's needle to render them dead.
The doctor was in with Feyd. He'd brought another patient with him that needed similar aid. He thought doing both at the same time would make it easier on him. He was overworked since the hostile takeover of the palace. Harkonnen guards were gravely wounded, if not dead. The flesh around the doctor's eyes was sunken, and deep purple encapsulated each eye.
Captain Rurik was the other soldier. It was the only reason I felt comfortable leaving Feyd alone.
The captain was injured. He had many slices through his flesh. But, he was capable enough to hold his own.
Vishti fetched the advisors from Feyd's court. She brought them to me in one of the halls. Their confusion only quirked their interest until I directed them make the ready.
"We are leaving this planet," I told them. "Never to return. It will not be long before the Fremen come to take us to the ships. Bring only the essentials. Leave the rest."
"The Baron," one asked. "What news of the Baron?"
"The Baron was slain last night in the siege," I answered. "The na-Baron, Feyd-Rautha, ascends to the throne in his absence, correct?"
"Yes, my lady witch."
"Then do as I say," I said in my strongest voice. Did I appear to be well-slept and in my right mind? Thoughts of that day swirled around in my head. Concern over Feyd's life wrecked my nerves to nothing. "There is not much time."
Next, Nasira led me to Motya Bondar's chambers. I knocked upon the door. Her family blanched at the sight of me in their threshold.
"My lady." They bowed their heads.
Lord Bondar gazed. His lips remained pressed together. But, there was something within his eye that I did not riddle.
My hands loosened of their knot. I could not appear weak. The nobles knew how to read people well enough. In weakness, they dined on the flesh.
I was not their next meal.
"Lady Motya, I need your assistance."
She nodded quietly. "Anything, Lady Mintha."
"Tell the court that we are going to be leaving soon. Very soon. They need only bring what they can carry. I do not want any left behind. We do not know what space will be allowed of us."
Their foreheads were wrinkled in confusion.
"I don't understand," Motya said carefully.
"We are leaving for Geidi Prime. Our lives have been spared. There is not much time to have before our overlords change their minds. So, please, ensure everyone is notified."
Motya hurried out beside me. She forgot to bow, as manners required of her. I did not care.
There was so much to do.
"How many I be of service, my lady?" Lord Bondar finally asked. His voice was quiet. It lacked the confidence it typically held.
Perhaps now he realized how weak we'd been rendered.
"It is not your specialty, but I would like information of what of our numbers are left. Could you find a prison hold? Somewhere there will be Harkonnen soldiers. I want a count of them."
Feyd's men were important to him. I wanted them accounted for, if we had any.
He nodded. "Is that all?"
"No." I shifted. "Find the Beast. I'd like to speak with him."
I did not await his courteous bow. I fled the chambers the next moment.
Next, I went to the kitchens. There were few people scattered within. They stood, in confusion. They were not slaughtered, but something was not right. All our people were quiet. The dead laid in plain sight of their windows. The stench of death wafted through the warm breeze.
We were defeated.
How did we move on, when our loss rendered us in total shock?
"The stores." I asked. "How stocked are they?"
The chef blinked. "Um, very well. My lady."
"I want some packed for the heighliner. The rest." I looked at the high built-in walls with pressurized compartments of all the fine edible luxuries brought here. For us to consume. For us to indulge. "Spread it throughout the city. I want it gifted to the hungry, the sick, the needy first. If there is water to be spared, share that too."
The chef and the assistant cooks rushed off to find the containers for the transport.
I stared ever upward at the provisions stocked within the palace.
Sounds of feet entered the room behind me. "On second thought, there may not be enough room. Leave it all here."
The footfall remained still.
I turned around, confused by the lack of acknowledgement.
Feyd stood. His one arm was tied against his chest with the wrist just between his muscled pecs. He was absent a shirt, though you could not tell from all the linen bandages wrapped around him.
His coloring was grey, but better than it was in the night.
"Feyd," I blurted in surprise. "You're awake. You're...here. Are you alright? H-how did you find me?"
"The kitchens are always a place you hide away in," he said stiffly.
"I am not hiding," I said with a firm voice back at him. Why was he so angry? "I am taking care of the people for the journey back."
"Journey back." He spat the words angrily from his lips.
I blinked. "I understand it is not what we hoped."
"You dishonored me, Mintha."
My body instantly tensed. His voice was serious. The anger within him was genuine.
And it was directed, at me.
"Dishonored?" I repeated it in shock. "I saved your life."
"You made me look weak!" He yelled.
"He was going to kill you."
"I would have died with honor."
Hot seething anger gathered inside my chest. The smoke of its fires exhaled from my nostrils like a beast of stories.
"Your death would have killed the people of this castle, me, your legacy. All of it."
"You swore allegiance to another man!" Feyd yelled. "You gave him your blood. An oath you've not ever given me."
Did he expect me to watch him die? If the power was in my body to save him, I would.
I would have slain his uncle myself, killing myself in the process, if it meant forever protecting him from the nightmares that man gave him.
I steadied my breaths. My body boiled. It neared its short height.
"The women of court know to never beg. They are not dogs. They do not plead for the lives of their men. I am the Baron. I can stand on my own feet."
"And die on them just the same," I snapped.
"Mintha! Youve dishonored yourself. You've dishonored this house. You dishonored me!"
"I wouldn't even be in the situation if not for you!" I seethed. "It was you who forced me alive, forced me as a lady, forced me to carry your child, forced me to fall in love you! If there is one to blame for your dishonor, it is you."
I could not handle it. My hands trembled against the length of my skirts. Not in fear. In rage.
My feet rushed toward the doorway that led into the rest of the palace.
Distance away from this man was what I needed before I unleashed an unholy tirade onto the man whom dared be ungrateful for my sacrifices.
It was my honor I swallowed to beg that conqueror for mercy.
I'd have not flinched if he raised a blade at me.
But his blade was stuck within Feyd.
I'd offer whatever Paul Atreides asked to save Feyd.
"I'm not done with you," he roared behind my back.
If he forced me to stop, I would explode.
"Mintha! I command you to stop."
I spun around. "If you did not want an Empress, you shouldn't have made me into one."
My anger forced me away from him. No, it was fury. Biting fury at his ungrateful respect for what it had taken in those moments for me to plead for his life in front of those people. We looked certain death in the face. He was under its blade, soon to be taken, and I'd dragged him back from it.
Perhaps I should have allowed him death.
It was his wish to die honorably. He spent his life facing death in excitement.
I stopped to consider what it meant to be so eager to duel. The pain, yes. But he was too skilled to receive pain each time. It was rare that many got a swing on him. He moved too fast. His reflexes, trained in response. It was easy.
Death. He awaited it just like I did.
He wanted it.
He wanted freedom of pain.
There was pain inside him, whether he wanted to accept it. Immense pain, anger. Those wore against the soul. It made each day harder and harder to greet.
The one chance of a noble death was stolen by my hands. It was me who caused the pain to go on. I, now, the jailer to his existence.
All to save myself the agony of his death.
I gritted my fists against my skirts. Ages would pass before he forgave me. If he was capable of forgiving. I doubted he was able to forgive. He hated everyone. He distrusted their motives and plotted their demise before they plotted his. Every moment he was on alert for betrayal. A stab in the back.
A shudder shook my spine.
I was the one with the knife, only it was not sank through his back, but in the one place he left undefended: his heart.
It was a devastating blow against me. I deserved it. Things would never be as they were. I should have known better than to believe our happy family would happen. Or could be.
We were two broken animals with an instinct to seek pleasure in each other. My mind clouded those lines into affection. I'd allowed the pleasure to blind me. I was foolish enough to be shown the piece of humanity that remained possibly broken.
And it, broke in the worst way.
A quick clip of steps approached behind my back. I did not turn to defend myself. My thoughts prayed it held a knife to be stabbed through my chest.
Only, Lord Bondar did not use the moment to his advantage – a fact he would detest in the years to come, I was certain. He simply relayed the number of soldiers he found alive. "The Beast, my lady. He did not survive the fight."
"Oh."
He was not my favorite person. His loyalty, however, remained unquestioned. He served the Baron despite everything. He would have served Feyd the same. Begrudgingly.
I nodded. "Thank you, Lord Bondar."
"What next, my lady?" He asked.
We were interrupted by the noisy entrance of Paul Atreides and his many followers. The palace was filled with rhythmic stomping. Harkonnen's down in number and spirit were secluded within their quarters. None populated the open spaces. The echoing of their entrance was received by only the pair of us – Lord Bondar and I.
Alongside the young emperor - that was what he was now - walked Gurney Halleck, his old grumpy soldier. A man he wanted me married to. The old man was not approachable. His face was kept in a gnarled snarl, like Captain Rurik.
Lord Bondar flustered. His lips clamped shut.
I faced the entourage like I'd done before. Perhaps Paul Atreides changed his mind.
Let the blade strike me down first, so I did not have to endure more of Feyd's tantrum. Or else, I'd be the one raising the blade.
He spoke to his people in their language. They took a few steps back. His eyes met with mine. Their blue was less bright than I remember. They were kept shielded by the low hang of his eyelids.
"Gurney," he said. "Give us a moment."
The old soldier, too, stepped back.
Paul gave a forced thinned smile, that bordered on polite.
He approached. His feet stopped halfway in the space between us. Then, he waited. Without a word.
"Lord Bondar, stay here." I instructed. The fluttering tension in my throat was not inaudible.
My feet slowly walked toward the awaiting emperor.
"You look tired," he observed. "You did not sleep."
Tightness held at the back of my throat. I struggled against my anxiety to speak.
"It is hard to find peace enough to sleep when the world around you has burned."
It was not his business to know that Feyd was on the verge of death, and I protected him in his vulnerable state.
His face loosened. Its smile went to calm.
"You stayed up all night watching him," he said.
I blinked. "H-how did you know that?"
He chuckled under his breath. It was a soft, fragile sound. He did not do it often.
"Unbelievers do not understand it, but I will tell you anyway. I have visions. The future and past are as clear in my mind as your face is. There was a moment where you thought about telling me. I recall it. You told me in a possible future, so I know it now."
I stepped away with a surprised breath.
"It is shocking," he said calmly, "to those unaware of its possibility."
"Are you a witch?"
"Something like that."
"Oh."
I took a timid step forward, back into his conversation. He did not want to strain his voice beyond our confidence.
My pulse up ticked, still. I forced calming within my palms. They stayed tucked against my body to control their visible discomfort.
"There are futures that we would have come to meet. Pasts, that could have brought us closer. Sooner."
A distance filled his eyes. It caught against the site of dunes out of thick darkened glass as if its shade was nothing. He stared out with his silence. The flittering of his pupils back and forth within the sea of his bright blue eyes.
I shook my head. "I don't know what you mean."
"I know who you are," he said softly. He finally turned back to face me once more.
"Who...I am?"
The blankness of my mind did not read this man before me as any one more than a frightening presence. I did not know him.
There was utter darkness inside my memory.
But my gut knew I did not meet him before.
"You are mistaken, your highness." I blinked. The room felt hot. I brushed away my frizzled hairs from below my shayla.
"We were born for peace, Mintha. You. I. Feyd. We were meant to be alive in a place without all...this." He licked his lips. They were cracked and dry. "There are futures we would have known one another. Our families were allied. My friend Duncan. He spent much of his time on your planet. He was practically made into one of you. He loved your people that much. Your own mother trained him to become a swordsmaster."
The beating of my heart began to panic. It raced. As did my thoughts.
"My mother." I said. The figment in my mind I'd been chasing was alive within another's head. "Ho-how do you know that?"
"You told me." He smiled sadly. An answer that brought me no truth, only circular ideas. "In another future, or past, you told me so."
Once the walls of Arrakeen palace were wide and towering. Now, they were too close. This dress that hanged off my body this morning, was shrunken and tight against my chest.
I couldn't breathe either. The air was dry and sandy. It burned with each heave downward.
"We meet, within Imperium meetings, the gatherings of the great houses, and the many places beyond. Our paths cross in many lifetimes," he recalled. "Feyd, too. We are often all friends. Some times, less than, but civil."
The burning inside my lungs was now fire. It consumed me.
I was no one important. My body was nothing but another that populated the universe. I did not come into contact with heirs and messiahs.
My mind continued to reject every word from his mouth. It found fault in every statement.
"Every time Feyd and you meet. It is...the collapse of two stars."
Thoughts screeched to a halt.
"How do you mean?" I asked.
How I found the strength to speak, I had no idea. My body struggled to stand. Weakness pulled every muscle down.
He smiled. "There is no greater gravitation. In futures where he is married or you are mated, once you meet. It is the end of all before. Only the pair of you remain."
Feyd and I.
The thought that we could have found one another never occurred to me. No future nor past felt true enough that we would be involved.
He'd forced me to love him. I was meant for death.
"You're lying." It was the only defense I had. I shook my head harder. "You lie. Feyd and I are just victims of circumstance."
"You are not," Paul disputed.
My voice raised louder. "You lie!"
"Your mother's name was Vanshni. She was the only swordmaster that refused to leave her children. She trained you herself, as her mother did for her. She named you 'Mintha' because your heart was drawn to the dangers that you did not understand. The day you were born, the sun was high in the sky blocked by a cloud of black. She said it turned the sky dark. And she knew. Your path would always be one that strayed from divine light like the great warrior Persephone before you. No souls ever leave. They come back. You carry on the heavy debt of Persephone's spirit, burdened by darkness while a being of light," Paul said with a strength that was far stronger than he appeared in body. His anger lessened. The shifting in his shoulders pulled at his neck. He stretched it as if burdened by his own human bonds. "You carry more than the soul of a Harkonnen, Mintha. You carry on the souls of your people."
I shook my head unable to grasp it. It was all too real.
Paul sighed. "Does he call you sweetness?" He asked.
My eyes grew wide. How did he know that?
"Every possible future or past, he calls you that. For why, I do not see. Do you know?" He asked. "I feel that you are sweet. An idea that would not occur to someone like Feyd-Rautha. So, it begs the question why that man would consider you his sweetness so severely."
The fluttering in my stomach took on a life of their own. Their little body pushed against me. I felt the life of my unborn daughter clawing in reminder that she was there.
Her father was that man.
We were destined?
"Gurney Halleck," Paul said suddenly.
The old soldier approached on a quick step. "Yes, sir."
"This woman has survived the Harkonnen dungeons as a prisoner of war. She was very young when she was brought into the castle."
"She is a young one even now," Gurney commented.
The loathing eased from his gnarled face.
"Feyd-Rautha will have control of his planet. You will be sent as acting liaison for me. Ensure that you visit Lady Mintha. Ensure she is well cared for," Paul ordered. "If she is not, lay waste to the castle."
The man bowed his head in acceptance of his orders.
I watched the man do so with a sharp souring in the depths of my stomach. "Why are you being so kind. I have made no allyship to you or your cause."
"There were many futures possible. Once. You are not an enemy of mine."
"Those futures are not here," I said firmly. My emotions were one thing. My mind was another. It did not satisfy with the answer he gave. "I am loyal to a man you despise."
"Yes. You are." He sighed a haunted shallow exhale. "I honor an old alliance of my father. Your people were poisoned and killed by the Shaddam Emperor, just like mine were, because they chose to stand beside my father. My father was not given a chance to stand by them. He would have."
I swallowed. "That is how my mother died."
"Yes. Your mother, your father. Both of your brothers."
An exhale rattled from between my lips. I did not think there was more in my life besides a mother.
"Oh." I untied my hands. Their sweat was dampening my dress. "How did I survive then?"
He shrugged. "I do not know."
"This Duncan man you speak of. Would he know?"
"He might have," Paul replied. "If your beloved had not killed him."
The sound of loud echoing footsteps surrounded us. They marched quick. I felt the vibration rattle up my calves from the stone floors.
My heart lurched.
Feyd entered the corridor. His pace slowed when he saw the Fremen guard and Paul Atreides stood in front of me like a death squad.
His jaw tensed in anger. The muscles twitched from the effort he exerted to keep it closed.
Paul's eyes dragged slowly toward Feyd.
The tension throughout their air was that of strange heat. Rage and sorrow. Both fought for their own justice. Neither were satisfied at its conclusion.
"Baron Harkonnen," Paul finally said.
Feyd stepped in slow calculated steps. "Atreides."
It hissed from his throat.
Without proper title of 'highness' attached.
Gurney Halleck snarled. The vine scar showed higher, uglier upon his face.
"The Guild will give transport back to Geidi Prime. You and your people are free to go," Paul said.
Feyd said nothing.
"I honor the bargain made with Lady Mintha for her sake. Not yours," Paul declared. "If she is ever harmed -."
"You think she is yours to protect." Feyd snarled. "A lady of my house is mine to protect. Mintha is of House Harkonnen."
His anger enflamed the others. Gurney Halleck gripped the long sword at his side. Fremen narrowed their eyes.
"You keep slaves on your planet," Paul said with utter superiority. A voice of deep beyond that garnered more than just blind obedience. It was the voice of a god. Or devil. Most were so related that there was seldom difference.
"There are women born in pits they never get out of. They are raped and birth more and more slaves. There are pleasure houses that you have your armies use any woman until she is dead." His voice boomed. "Protecting your women is not a thing you know how to do. You reign over a planet of monsters."
Monsters.
What did he know of monsters and slaves. He was neither.
"No one was spared the horrors," I said firmly. "Nothing was free from becoming monster to survive, as you have become Fremen to survive the dunes. We became monsters to endure our own."
Restraint filled Paul's eyes as the blue hue flicked at me.
I stepped backward. My body served as a shield to Feyd, whom was unarmed and injured.
"What took place outside were dreams compared to that castle," I warned.
Paul's lips thinned. He kept them pressed together.
True hatred did not spare his expression. He loathed Feyd.
"Lord Bondar," I said suddenly. It was the only thought that came to mind.
The man jolted out of his skin. "Yes, Lady Mintha."
"Gather everyone. We've been given leave. The Baron Feyd will lead them home."
His charm fled his body. He quickly moved out of the corridor this royal rumble occurred within.
A resignation clicked within the young emperor's gaze. The emotion fled him.
He steadied his men. The tension in the air dissolved.
Though the old man Gurney refused to break his stare of Feyd.
"The ship awaits," Paul murmured with less conviction. He appeared exhausted before us now. "Whenever you are ready, they will go."
I nodded. "Thank you for honoring your oath, your highness."
"I am the only one you know that would," he exhaled.
My eyes narrowed. What did that mean?
Feyd's free hand grabbed ahold of my waist. It pulled me back toward him.
Paul's words were laced with vengeance. The only enemy before him was Feyd. What oath did Feyd break? Why would Paul concern himself with it? Thoughts whirled within my head.
"We'll leave you to disembark," Paul said. He slung his arms behind his back. They held there.
The Fremen began to leave. Gurney refused to turn around. It took Paul's quiet urging to get the soldier moving out of sight.
Paul was the last one who remained. He, still the imposing force that he began as.
Feyd's fingers gripped me tighter.
"It will only work once," he said. The flash of his eyes down to my pocket filled me with more urgent confusion. "There is no antidote."
With that, he was gone.