Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Dungeons and Dragons or a cat. Merry Christmas!
The sky was covered in a thick layer of clouds, which looked like they were going to bring forth a deluge of rain at any moment. Diagon Alley was looking rather gloomy, but it didn't matter to them at all. They had shopping to do, and school supplies wouldn't buy themselves.
"What is Azkaban like?" Hermione asked Draco.
"Its primary function is to shatter your mind." Draco replied. "Every single element of it is psychological torture. You're locked in a cold, pitch-black cell in the middle of the ocean and all you hear is screaming. You often can't tell if your eyes are open or closed. The guards never check up on you. It's basically a prolonged death sentence."
"How many people have ever escaped?" she asked.
"Two." he replied. "This is the first time anyone's ever made it out alive."
They walked in silence for a long while, purchasing their books with hardly a word uttered. Eventually, they found a subject to discuss once more.
"So what electives did you pick?" Harry asked them.
"Yes." Hermione replied.
"Same." Marc nodded.
"I also took them all." Draco answered.
"Based." Harry grinned. "So did I."
"Think any of them will be interesting?" Hermione asked.
"Nah, we already know all this stuff." Harry shook his head.
"And they still won't let us take our NEWTs." Draco sighed.
"We live in a society." Ginny muttered.
"That we do." Hermione agreed.
"Meow." Floppa and Mudblood-Man meowed in unison.
They spent the next few days re-reading the most interesting books on magic that they acquired. For Marc, this meant the Essential Animagus Handbook, a comprehensive guide to the closest equivalent to Wild Shape in real life. Hermione was reading Runes for Archmages, a 14th-century text about the most powerful runes in existence and how they worked. Ginny was still attempting to figure out Magic of Incarnum for 3.5e, it seemed like a pretty interesting book thus far. Draco was looking through the seventh-year Transfiguration textbook again, and Harry was using the diary to transfer the contents of Secrets of the Darkest Art directly into his mind at a slow pace.
The weather wasn't looking any better on September 1st, when the Four Against Madness arrived at King's Cross station. The barrier did not cause them any difficulty this time, much to their relief. They got on the train and sealed themselves in the emptiest compartment that still remained available. The only occupant was an adult human male who appeared to be asleep.
"R. J. Lupin." Hermione read from his trunk. "Probably the new Defense Professor."
"Ex-Order member." Harry remembered. "No fedposting, guys."
"Myowwas, I bring you a suggestion." Draco announced. "Let's play 5e and die of cringe."
"Ok, what's the premise?" Harry inquired.
"Baldur's Gate: Descent into Avernus." Draco declared. "But all the encounters are tripled (Zariel is doubled instead) and you only get one long rest before the start of the adventure so you can rest cast. Normal starting equipment. Travel time ignored because it would be impossible otherwise. One short rest per dungeon."
"Okay guys, it's DiA - we know the drill." Harry said. "We need as many people with sleet storm as possible."
"So, optimization in general?" Hermione asked.
"Yeah." Harry nodded. "We know this stuff, myowwas."
Harry Potter – Divine Soul Sorcerer 1/Twilight Cleric 1/Genie Warlock 9
Race: Mark of Storm half-elf
Feats: Fey-touched (silvery barbs), Cartomancer
Abilities: Str 9, Dex 14, Con 14, Int 8, Wis 13, Cha 18
CLERIC SPELLS
Spells (cantrip): guidance, mending, resistance
Spells (level 1): healing word, shield of faith, [faerie fire, sleep]
SORCERER SPELLS
Spells (cantrip): mage hand, mold earth, prestidigitation, shape water
Spells (level 1): [bless, absorb elements, shield
WARLOCK SPELLS
Invocations: Agonizing Blast, Repelling Blast, Eldritch Mind, Investment of the Chain Master, Lance of Lethargy
Spells (cantrip): booming blade, eldritch blast, magic stone, mind sliver
Spells (level 1-3): fear, hunger of Hadar, hypnotic pattern, sleet storm
Spells (level 4-5): conjure minor elementals, sickening radiance, stone shape, summon greater demon, danse macabre, synaptic static
Background: Investigator (2510 GP from selling pearl necklace trinket, magnifying glass etc.)
Skills: Arcana 3, Stealth 6, Perception 5, Persuasion 7
Equipment: 10 GP, backpack (x2), cast-off armor (survival mantle), component pouch (x2), essence of ether (x3), robes, shield w/emblem, wand, wand of magic missiles (x2), spell scroll of shield (x20)
Hermione Granger – Peace Cleric 1/Chronurgy Wizard 10
Race: Custom Lineage
Feats: Resilient (Con), Telekinetic, War Caster
Abilities: Str 9, Dex 14, Con 14, Int 18, Wis 13, Cha 8
CLERIC SPELLS
Spells (cantrip): guidance, light, resistance
Spells (level 1): bless, healing word
WIZARD SPELLS
Spells (cantrip): mage hand, prestidigitation, ray of frost
Spells (level 1): absorb elements, comprehend languages, feather fall, find familiar, gift of alacrity, grease, shield, silvery barbs
Spells (level 2): enlarge/reduce, wristpocket, rope trick, web
Spells (level 3): phantom steed, sleet storm, tiny servant
Spells (level 4): conjure minor elementals, Mordenkainen's private sanctum, fabricate, summon greater demon, sickening radiance
Spells (level 5): danse macabre, planar binding, transmute rock, wall of force
Background: Investigator (2510 GP from selling pearl necklace trinket, magnifying glass etc.)
Skills: Arcana 8, Stealth 6, History 8, Religion 8
Equipment: cast-off armor (survival mantle), component pouch (x2), robes, shield w/emblem, wand, wand of magic missiles, wand of web, weapon of warning (antimatter rifle)
Marc Glugknight – Clockwork Soul Sorcerer 9/Hexblade Warlock 2
Race: Custom Lineage
Feats: Fey-touched (gift of alacrity), War Caster, Aberrant Dragonmark (shield)
Abilities: Str 8, Dex 14, Con 16, Int 8, Wis 10, Cha 18
SORCERER SPELLS
Metamagic: Quickened Spell, Subtle Spell
Spells (cantrip): mage hand, minor illusion, mold earth, prestidigitation, shape water
Spells (level 1): [absorb elements, alarm], silvery barbs
Spells (level 2): [aid, lesser restoration], phantasmal force
Spells (level 3): hypnotic pattern, sleet storm [glyph of warding, tiny servant]
Spells (level 4): sickening radiance [stone shape, fabricate]
Spells (level 5): [planar binding, wall of force]
WARLOCK SPELLS
Invocations: Agonizing Blast, Repelling Blast
Spells (cantrip): eldritch blast, magic stone
Spells (level 1): expeditious retreat, shield
Background: Investigator (2510 GP from selling pearl necklace trinket, magnifying glass etc.)
Skills: Arcana 1, Deception 5, Perception 2, Stealth 4
Equipment: bloodwell vial (1), cast-off armor (survival mantle), component pouch (x2), robes, rod of the pact keeper (1), shield w/emblem, wand, wand of web, spell scroll of mage armor (x4)
Ginny Weasley – Wildfire Druid 9/Hexblade 2
Race: Dhampir
Feats: War Caster, Cartomancer
Abilities: Str 8, Dex 14, Con 14, Int 8, Wis 14, Cha 16
DRUID SPELLS
Spells (cantrip): guidance, mold earth
Spells (level 1): fog cloud, goodberry, healing word
Spells (level 2): pass without trace, spike growth
Spells (level 3): conjure animals, sleet storm
Spells (level 4): conjure minor elementals, conjure woodland beings
Spells (level 5): planar binding, transmute rock
WARLOCK SPELLS
Invocations: Agonizing Blast, Repelling Blast
Spells (cantrip): eldritch blast, magic stone
Spells (level 1): expeditious retreat, shield
Background: Investigator (2510 GP from selling pearl necklace trinket, magnifying glass etc.)
Skills: Arcana 1, Stealth 4, Perception 4, Survival 4
Equipment: moon sickle (1), cast-off armor (survival mantle), component pouch (x2), robes, rod of the pact keeper (1), shield w/emblem, wand, wand of magic missiles, essence of ether, 3x light crossbow
Author's Note: They should have a lot more money because they're starting at 11th level. Assume they bought a deck of wonder, a few bags of holding and all the material components they will ever need.
REST CASTS
- Planar bind 24 chwingas and 1 dybbuk
- gift of alacrity on everyone
- 5th-level aid on the party familiars after some mild coffeelocking
- Wizard uses four 4th-level slots on fabricate to craft energy cells – we'll never know what they're made out of, but it's certainly something. For sanity's sake only 20 are made.
Note that with guidance stacking and GoA, they have initiative modifiers of 6d41d82 or an average of 21.5. I will therefore be assuming they consistently go first in encounters. One person has 1d4 less because a chwinga is handing out 10 to Stealth.
Chapter 1
After some nasty but overall insignificant business with three pirate captains and their gang that the PCs absolutely annihilate with no effort whatsoever. They hit level 2 before moving to the dungeon.
ENCOUNTER 1 – three invisible imps are spotted by Hermione's bat familiar thanks to blindsight. The PCs open fire with cantrips and end the encounter.
ENCOUNTER 2 – nine night blades, three necromites join on the second round. Wiped in a single turn of shooting.
ENCOUNTER 3 – nine necromites. Massacred in a single round.
ENCOUNTER 4 – three fists of Bane and three iron consuls. One consul deleted with just cantrip fire, one dies to 18 skeletons shooting and the third gets to live for a round. He is, however, surprised and thus does not act. The next salvo of spells annihilates him and the three fists.
ENCOUNTER 5 – three masters of souls and three swarms of skeletal rats. Dropping a synaptic static from Harry's warlock is a good move here, and the skeletons are able to pick off two of them, with two hits wounding the third severely – enough for a cantrip salvo to finish the job.
ENCOUNTER 6 – the PCs find Myrkul's altar. The words on the altar, "RISE AND BE COUNTED", will vanish if used to animate undead.
"Guys, can we actually make this come back?" Harry asked. "The words vanish..."
"I could use wristpocket."Hermione suggested. "As an action, I can resummon the chunk of the wall to my hand… spammable skeleton generation."
"I don't see why this would make the words reappear if you desummon and resummon the same block of stone..." Ginny shook her head.
"Myowwas, you're missing the ocean for the bears." Marc told them. "RAW there's nothing that makes the text's existence a prerequisite for the altar's magic to work. RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED RISE AND BE COUNTED…"
A legion of skeletons then rose up to massacre the rest of the dungeon.
"For sanity's sake, we take 12 of them into the bags of holding and the others are tasked with fishing until we return." Marc declared.
The rest of the chapter is simply trivial. What matters is that they obtain a bag of beans, which is a very silly magic item. 6 beans, rolls are 44 51 92 90 12 42 – treant (nonevil), 2d612 shriekers, d48 pink toads, 4 eggs, a mummy lord with its own treasure hoard.
"I convince the mummy lord that we are powerful enough archmages that he should serve us." Harry said.
"Make a Persuasion check." Draco told him. "DC 30, with disadvantage because it's so silly."
"With Guidance from everybody and the chwingas, that's…" he rolled the dice. "Aight, that's a 90."
"He acknowledges you as a worthy master to learn from and bows." Draco nodded. "His treasure is yours."
DMG Treasure Table (Hoard) – Mummy Lord (CR 11-16 table)
13 500 GP gems, 6 rolls on Table C
15000 GP 2300 PP
Magic items (d100)
20 Spell scroll (4th level) – summon greater demon
44 Potion of frost giant strength
65 Potion of mind reading
60 Potion of invulnerability
96 Heward's handy haversack
40 Potion of gaseous form
Eventually, they make it to Avernus.
Chapter 2
The heroes explore the city of Elturel, default killing various encounters with zero difficulty. They find a chapel of Lathander that allows them to make a DC 10 Religion check to pray in order to obtain a magic weapon. Hermione's wizard gets a 60-something on her check and obtains a 2 version of the weapon she's currently holding i.e. an antimatter rifle. Energy cells: 20/20 remaining.
This part is trivial, suffice to say they clear it with minimal resource cost.
Skip to Zariel Boss Fight Because I Won't Bore You With Trivial Matters
"Okay guys." Hermione said. "We're about to deal with Zariel. We can redeem her..."
"Kill. Maim. Burn." Harry shook his head. "I want her head."
And so initiative was rolled.
Zariel: 8
Second Zariel: 26
Harry: 33
Hermione: 32
Marc: 29
Ginny: 38
Round 1
Ginny's wildfire spirit uses an Eversmoking Bottle looted earlier in the adventure, covering both Zariels in fog, making them unable to use Legendary Actions as they all require line of sight. Her own action is used tocast eldritch blast.Harry then casts sickening radiance with a Pact Magic spell slot, catching both Zariels. Hermione drops a wall of force on one of the two Zariels. Marc drops a wall on another one. The walls are placed 1 inch off the ground.
Six rounds later the encounter is over and the PCs claim the spoils of war. Avernus is theirs.
"Now we wait." Harry announced. "And when the time is right i.e. we are in Tier 4, we set our sights on Asmodeus himself… shit, why is it so cold here?"
A thin layer of frost crept over the windows of their compartment, as well as the window facing outward. The lights on the train went out, and an eerie silence fell. The very air felt gloomy and depressing.
"What in the name of V-" Harry began, but was silenced as Marc covered his mouth with one hand.
"Not in front of a teacher." Marc reminded him.
The Four Against Madness drew their wands, pointing them at the door in preparation. Ginny pressed one ear to the wall, listening in on the adjacent compartment.
"Is this a Death Eater raid?" someone cried out on the other side. No reply.
The frost on the windows became more unbearable, and a strange sensation began to worm its way into their minds. A feeling of dread, as though they would never be happy again.
Hermione's off-hand involuntarily reached out to pet Mudblood-Man, as if only cats could provide comfort in a world featuring whatever horrors lay beyond their compartment door. Ginny similarly reached out to hug Big Floppa, who flopped his ears bravely at the door.
A dark shadow moved behind the glass, obscured by the frost. One gaunt, skeletal hand reached out to open the compartment door…
No you're wrong lol. Paladin has the best damage in the game and is clearly superior to ranger which doesn't even make enough attacks to beat a fighter. A fighter with a longbow and Sharpshooter can take Samurai and have advantage on all attacks with Elven Accuracy which is a build so broken that most DMs worldwide ban it. Add 11 levels of assassin and you can do 6d6 = 66 extra damage, 132 on a crit. Paladin is even better because it lets you use Divine Smite and that's really good single target damage for a spell slot…
Echoes of redditisms manifested in Harry's thoughts. Bad builds, bad assumptions, illiteracy and martial stanning that threatened to overwhelm his brain. Every spell he could think of was too dark to just randomly cast in front of a teacher.
"Help me here, master..." he thought, attempting to reach out telepathically to the Horcrux…
A face concealed beneath a tattered, hooded cloak drew closer to him. It looked like the thing was sniffing.
"F-f-fuck off." he stuttered.
The thing did not fuck off, instead choosing to stare at him with increased interest.
You need a frontliner… barbarians are unkillable, they have hundreds of effective HP with Bear Totem. You need tanks to protect your squishy casters with 12 AC and 10 Con.
"A-av-" he tried to cast, but the thing's demoralizing aura was preventing him from finishing the incantation or aiming his wand. "I c-c-cast fist."
It moved one clawed skeletal limb towards him, and he barely managed to gather the willpower needed to push it away. He held the alien arm by the wrist, cringing at the horrid smell coming from beneath the hood. Increasingly more voices resounded in his head. It was chaos, and amid it all was the mocking voice of a house elf telling him that he would die…
Suddenly, he fell on his back and the voices became more distant. An orange blur slammed into the creature at the speed of a hundred yes per no, yeeting it out of the compartment with a thunderous crash. The alien horror looked around, turning its eyeless head in an attempt to behold the assailant, but it was all in vain. The attacker struck again from above, bringing his entire form down upon the thing's head after a mighty leap, propelling himself off the ceiling to accelerate his charge.
The abomination fell to the ground, and before it could lift its wraithlike body it was pinned down by a very triumphant Floppa. The majestic caracal stared at his prone enemy with utter contempt as it tried again and again to free itself.
"The threat has been dealt with." Floppa meowed at Harry.
"Based flopper." Harry responded in Floppese.
"What shall we do with it?" Floppa inquired floppily.
"That's a dementor." Hermione recognized the creature. "A prison guard from Azkaban. They must be looking for the prisoners."
"We might get in trouble if it returns and reports this." Draco added.
Harry moved towards the fallen dementor, then turned to his friends for confirmation.
"Dew it." Draco told him.
Harry stepped on the thing's neck, leaning on it with his full weight. He felt like Morgoth crushing Fingolfin (which was admittedly a pretty bad fight for Morgoth, he entered m*lee as a caster). He waited for a few moments, then lifted his foot and brought it down on the dementor's skull. Again. And again. He drove its face into the floor of the cabin repeatedly, and the very ground shook from the fury of his blows. But the thing would not die.
Too enraged to care about its fear aura, he grabbed the thing by the neck and slammed it into the door of a nearby empty compartment with enough force to break down the door. He then proceeded to shove the dementor in there, shattering the window with its head. He took one good, long look at its abominable face, a lipless jaw with no other features. The average consoomer who only got excited for the next product and sustained the poisons annihilating modern nerd culture. As soulless as the average Barovian. He pointed his wand at its mouth, and for a brief moment his eyes turned red.
"Ignis Inferno." he cast, and a highly controlled stream of fire in the shape of a manul blasted out of his wand to immolate the dementor's face. It took seconds for the indestructible being to be decapitated. With a sigh, he grabbed the remains of the dementor's body and shoved them into his trunk to keep as a trophy.
"Another encounter solved with a single spell slot." he said, petting a very satisfied Big Floppa. Only then did he notice that the professor was no longer asleep.
"Good morbin', professor Lupin." Harry said. "Bears are fish."