Hi! So yeah I watched Oshi no Ko, series 2. Therefore this is set during the Tokyo blade arc. I have not read the manga therefore I'm still into Aqua/Kana yay. Okay but have loads of introspection and I don't know, this one got away from me a bit.
Acting with Aqua was strangely easy, Kana found as they entered the interval of another performance of Tokyo Blade.
It shouldn't be a surprise, the both of them had years of experience at this point, they were dedicated to the craft. Of course they acted well together, why wouldn't they? They had a great script for a melodramatic story and they knew their characters.
But still, it was worth remarking on all the same. Why was it so easy to bounce off of him, when it seemed she could hardly navigate a regular conversation with him these days? Even now, as she relaxed, sorting her outfits, she spied Aqua looking dour as ever while the seemingly ever-present Akane gazed at him with adoration for no apparent reason.
Of all the people in the world, why did Akane have to decide Aqua was her new reason for existing or whatever went on in that naïve head of hers? And why did Aqua have to tolerate her in return? Honestly, Kana was offended for both of their sakes.
Kana looked away. Yes, she herself enjoyed Aqua's presence because they were obviously compatible, and with every passing performance she couldn't forget it as they really did act well together.
Some part of her felt that on stage it should be as messy as real life, the mysterious boy always putting on a front and seemingly inviting her closer only to once again get caught up in the maddening word of fame and lies and pushing her away again. But of course, it was just the opposite.
Kana could push herself, improvise movements and even lines and Aqua would always adapt to her. He allowed her to set the tone, trusting in her ability to command attention and captivate the audience. It was freeing in a way she hadn't expected. Acting was a job, it was her discipline, her reason for existence. And it was laborious, a trial, a fight for some perfect ideal.
The relief she felt at trusting her colleague and her script enough to just perform was surprising. It had been long time since it had been so easy. Aqua naturally, found it anything but easy, each performance seemed to destroy him and yet he never breathed a word of complaint, always just managing to deliver. She was grateful.
Then again, maybe it would've been simpler if they didn't mesh. A live performance like this was fleeting. What did it matter if they worked together today when reality was the misunderstandings and the endless games of expectations? Maybe it would've been easier to know they didn't work. Instead, she was once more allowing herself to be strung along with the burning knowledge that she and Aqua made sense.
"Are you alright?" A deep male voice, bravely speaking to her well-being?
Kana looked up with a practiced smile. "Hello Melt, it seems you've caught me off-guard once again."
Her beautiful coworker, gave her his roguish, sexy smile. "You get caught up in that head of yours far too easily. Let me guess, you've got more poisonous thoughts under that innocent expression?"
"How dare you! I'm a delicate maiden, too pure to have ever gone outside let alone imagine the world as less than perfect," Kana replied unable to resist a grin.
Melt laughed. He was easily amused with her playing at innocence. This was not the first production they'd been in together and by now he was very familiar with her outward gentleness carefully concealing her deep cynicism.
Melt himself was still very new to the acting industry however and while happy to bow to her expertise in that regard, he was nevertheless still very enthusiastic. He understood how fake and ugly it could be but hadn't yet been hurt by it. All he had to worry about was that his own skills were up to par. It was sort of cute, the way the seemingly confident boy looked up to her.
"I'm sorry my dear Akane," he said in jest.
Kana froze. "Akane?"
Now Melt was chuckling awkwardly. "Sorry, I just meant that you, ah, think she's pure and delicate, right?"
"Ah, right! Well, my exceptional talent is all that it takes to be a star," Kana said. Inwardly Kana was running through all the past conversations she'd had with Melt.
What impression had Kana given the model turned actor? True that Akane was eager and hard-working and shut down the moment she wasn't the centre of attention and would do anything to steal the spotlight but Kana wasn't that preoccupied about it, was she?
"If you try your best, you'll succeed at anything!" Melt said. "Though more seriously, my big scene's coming up and I don't know how not be tense. And this is our third performance. Surely I should be calmer by now."
Kana had indeed been lost in her thoughts. Obviously Melt was looking for help and reassurance from his more experienced coworker. Whatever impressions she might have given him, first and foremost, she was someone who he could count on.
Putting thoughts of Akane aside, she moulded herself into the role of helpful mentor, with endless patience for her student.
The interval ended all too soon and Kana once more entered her favourite place; the stage.
As she entered the stage, she felt the currents of her various cast members and could feel tension. Beyond Melt, others were feeling under pressure. There were nerves. Naturally.
Often, the very first performance was the most stressful. The opening night was a big deal and it was scary wondering how it would be received. But after a few performances and a few good reviews, a new wave of nerves could erupt. The fear that the expectations were high and you'd have to deliver just as good as the previous nights or risk disappointing your audience.
Kana hummed and adapted, as she did best.
Tonight, she would give a measured performance, intent on letting the other actors feel comfortable while she supported them. They had many more shows to go and if they were pushed with more emotionally draining performances, them might begin to falter. She would react to their needs and the show would go on.
It was one of the hardest things she'd ever learnt, how to look beyond herself. Some might call it kindness. In a cutthroat industry, real kindness had no place, but flexibility and adaptability were greater than even the greatest individual performance.
Kana took centre stage. 'I want your love, I'm greedy for your attention. But I'm not taking, I'm giving,' she thought. She backed away; centre stage was not hers, not today.
The show went smoothly and she felt satisfied on seeing the other actors calm themselves and deliver great performances beside her. If they fumbled a line, she would cover them. She was not the star of the show today but the show was more than just her.
After the show, Akane glared at her. Maybe the two of them were just destined to be enemies.
It was getting to the point in the evening where she would have to crawl back to her lonely apartment when Aqua stopped her.
"Hey," he said grabbing her arm so she had no choice but to walk beside him.
"That was a fun show, huh? I will never get tired of the buzz of a live audience. TV shows feel dead by comparison," Kana said. She did feel good; it had been another successful performance and Aqua had sought her out.
"Really? You were holding back again," he accused.
Was that a weakness to him? Kana tilted her head, looking him right in the eyes. She would not turn away.
"Yeah. I have issues," Kana replied.
"You have an issue with showing off your talents?"
Did Aqua seriously care? She'd been paying attention these past weeks. Aqua had some sort of goal with this show that went beyond just succeeding. Kana had her ideas and believed that he was desperate to make an impression for some reason, as if he'd gambled his life on it. Akane was possibly helping or at least knew something.
But Kana herself shouldn't factor in. Obviously, for his sister's goal to be an idol, he wanted their group to be successful, that's why he'd recruited her to Strawberry productions, but beyond that. Did he genuinely care, or was she making faulty assumptions? Did he have ulterior motives?
"I do. I will never depend on being the best again to succeed. Failing hurts more than you can imagine."
Kana would never again carry all the weight of success on herself alone. Art was a collaboration and that meant everything had to be working. In an industry with so much ego, that meant compromise. She missed the easy days of never caring about anything but herself but she was not a child anymore.
"Fear of failure isn't an excuse not to try. You're better than that, you deserve to have a chance to shine, you don't need to hide."
Aqua was still holding onto her arm. Maybe he thought that she would indeed retreat if he let go. She wondered what they must look like, walking arm in arm as he walked her to the station. It probably looked like nothing.
"Actually I shouldn't need validation at all. I'm too old to need people to tell me I'm special," Kana said, keeping her voice even. But she knew that it was a lie. She longed for it, craved people telling her how much they loved her.
"But you are special."
Kana froze.
She'd been letting Aqua walk her forward but now she stopped and clutched his arm.
"Do you really mean that? You know I'm rotten right. I'm tarnished-" Kana cut herself off. Why was she saying all that?
Stupid child! Why should she be so affected by someone calling her special? Hadn't she been saying how vain it all was?
Aqua, sadly, did not wrap his arms around her and tell her how much he loved her. Instead he just impatiently yanked at his arm, irritated they'd stopped walking.
"Obviously, you're a prodigy. You're letting your past stop you when you've clearly got the ability."
"That's not fair. I'm capable of more than when I was a child. Sometimes less is more. Sometimes its good for me to step back. Really!"
She'd said it, she was tarnished. She couldn't become the child version of herself no matter how much her old fans longed for it. She had to expand and that meant there were times to shine but more importantly, times to be adaptable. Maybe she was good enough that she didn't need to worry - but hadn't life taught her that nothing was guaranteed, least of all being loved?
Aqua sighed. "Come on, you'll miss your train." Kana allowed herself to walk beside him once more.
Then Aqua continued. "I was speaking to Akane earlier, you're really frustrating, you know that? She sees that you're a star but you're refusing to shine. You keep holding yourself back."
"Yes. I'm not Akane. I have no intention of trying to compete with her. I cannot demand attention like that and I'd consider it a failing to do so. She has it easy now, she has no fear while she's on the stage, but we're not like her, are we?"
"We?" Aqua said.
"Yes. We are not like her. She's in her own world, her own element. We're fighting against the current, fighting for relevancy even when we don't belong but we cling on to this world all the same. I do it because there is nothing else for me. And you?"
"You think you don't belong?"
"Not since I alienated my fans. The media loves to see formerly successful people fail. Few things are popular for more than a few years. There's not much fun to see a failure continue reminding you that they're still trying. But I defied their narrative and it's by making connections and stepping away from the spotlight."
They were approaching the station now, they didn't have that much time together but Kana felt determined to make this connection happen. She was tried of circling around the truth. She hadn't missed how Aqua avoided answering about himself. Surely he agreed, he'd said acting wasn't his thing many times and yet still persisted.
"You know Kana, the narrative of you being a failed child actor is a few years old too, maybe that's gone out of fashion and now you can have your return from grace. The media loves a redemption story too if you wait long enough," Aqua suggested.
If her success depended on the narrative rather than any talent, then it was out of her hands, just trying her best wouldn't ever be enough, not forever.
"Still, why trust someone who is already tarnished when you could find a dozen innocent girls all naïve to the world of fame? What makes me special?"
"Please don't phrase things like that. I was just trying to explain to you that you're good enough that you don't need to hold back on stage. It's okay to be selfish, you know?"
Ah, what a lovely opportunity. Kana was beginning to feel quite bold.
"Mmmm, I could be selfish for the right person. Or rather, I'll perform when I know it's right. I don't want to win at the expense of someone else. Not anymore. But what you're asking is for me to trust you, isn't it?"
Aqua did not immediately respond, probably because he recognised that he was a cold manipulative liar with an agenda and showing human emotion was antithetical to his plans. Sadly for both of them, Kana did trust him and he did seem to care about her.
"You can trust yourself. When you lead, others will react to you. And I… don't want to let you down, okay?"
As usual, they were circling around the heart of the issue. But if Aqua insisted, Kana would take the lead.
"My train's here, will you please take me home?"
"Take you home?! I have to get home too," Aqua protested.
"Call up home and tell them you'll be out all night and not to worry."
Aqua let go of her arm and just stared at her. "Are you flirting with me?"
Kana was pretty certain she was blushing. But she had wanted to be bold. Aqua was still so unreadable. Surely he agreed? They worked. The two of them made sense. Both cynical, both familiar with fame from a young age, both hurt by it.
"I like you Aqua. I'd like to know you too, if you let me?"
Kana leaned forward, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, daring him to pull away. He neither moved closer nor further way.
"Kana… I shouldn't," he said softly.
"Shouldn't like me? I shouldn't like you either, well will you come on?"
Kana had little choice but to step away. Her train was here. Should she have tried to kiss him? No, that was crazy. Would he have let her?
Still, she turned around, hoping desperately that he would follow behind her. They had to hurry, but she quickly fished out her card and hurried over to the evening train which was thankfully not too full at this hour.
As she stepped on though, she was not alone.
"This is a mistake," Aqua said, sitting down beside her.
Kana yawned though her heart was racing. It had been a long show and she usually relaxed on the train ride home. But this was happening! First, she needed to be accommodating.
"It'll be nice not to be alone for a little while. Listen, don't worry. You can stay an hour and then I'll get you a taxi home, you can say to your family that you went out for a drink or two, alright?"
Kana Arima prided herself on being easy to work with, she was flexible and mindful of other's needs. Aqua wanted her to shine and be herself, but this was a part of her now.
"Stay an hour. Do you just want to talk and hang out?" Aqua asked, nervously.
Maybe she was being too accommodating. No, he was obviously nervous but that didn't mean he didn't like her. Why else would he get on the train after asking if she was flirting with him?
"I'm fine with anything, whatever you want."
Aqua chuckled. "You shouldn't say that to a guy. Whatever you want could mean like…"
"Like what," she lowered her voice though there was no one near them. "Sex?"
"Aqua, I was born for the spotlight. You should know that I will always want more, right? Some people are able to be content with what they have, but I never can. I will always strive for more. And I have no doubt that relationships are the same way. That said, I am happy to go as far as you want."
Aqua just stared, unreadable as ever. Kana continued speaking fearing she was freaking him out. "We don't have to do anything though. Seriously. I don't mind. It's enough that you're here. That you care."
Aqua was silent for a few moments. Kana let him think. Maybe she should think before she spoke more too, she'd said so much this evening and he'd barely reciprocated. Why did she have to love someone who was so reserved when she craved affection so much?
Then Aqua spoke. "I can't be with you, Kana. It wouldn't be right."
Kana flinched. "What?"
"I can't. It would be wrong of me."
"How would it be wrong? I thought you liked me?"
"I like you far too much. And that's wrong because well you don't know me. You can't know me and that means I'd be lying to you. And I shouldn't allow myself distractions anyway!" Aqua's voice gradually got angrier, he sounded fierce and Kana was abruptly reminded of his Tokyo blade character being so rude and blunt to her character.
He liked her… too much? How strange, she'd been fearing the exact opposite.
Kana closed her eyes. They were both actors, they were born liars. But there was more than one way to communicate. On stage, they could speak purely in movements, the language of position, of blocking of angles. It was Aqua's speciality. Aqua was pushing her away but he had also sought her out to give her encouragement. He thought it ridiculous, but he'd still boarded the train.
So Kana spoke to Aqua in their own language. She slowly, giving him every chance to get away, let her head rest on his shoulder. Then she raised an arm, and placed it around his neck putting her hand on his other shoulder. Reclining against him, she waited.
"Kana…"
"Mmm… go on tell me how we're so incompatible and how we can't be together. That's fine by me."
All things in life were fleeting. Kana had always desired love sure, but she hadn't been a little girl in a long time and the easy pleasure of youth was long behind her. Every success she'd had since had been hard earned yet barely sufficient. A relationship could be the same way.
"I'm quite content with breaking my heart on you, Aqua. I don't mind being rejected."
"You're impossible, you know? Why do you have to sound so pathetic? I don't know how you can be so jaded and composed all the time and yet it just makes me want to protect you!" Despite the harsh words, Aqua's voice was warm.
Kana chuckled. "That's the secret behind celebrities. We're all pathetic, melodramatic people who's only real talent is tricking people into putting us on a pedestal. All my life I've heard how people wanted to be me, like a child actor was something to look up to. They don't know how arrogant and entitled I was backstage or how miserable my life became because of it."
Aqua sighed, and finally put an arm around her as if in comfort. "You dwell so much on the past, but you are still a brilliant actress and you have a future."
"Dwell on the past? You can't let go of yours. I've seen the way you brood. You still have yet to tell me why you act when it seems to be pure torture for you."
Aqua was good at the technical aspects of being an actor. This side of things was less flashy but often neglected and Kana appreciated his practiced styles. But his emotional acting was something else entirely, the cold methodical boy obviously drew on very painful memories and it was captivating yet surely unpleasant.
"We're taking very different paths in life. For me, success is a means to an end. But you actually love acting," Aqua replied.
What was he after? It sounded like he had something to prove. Maybe he'd sworn an oath to become famous to prove someone wrong? Or maybe some old reputation he needed to overcome? Maybe he was even planning to achieve fame to use his platform to exert political influence or maybe some public statement somehow? Maybe he hated the industry and wanted to reveal it's twisted underbelly, like in how he exposed how fake that reality show he'd been in was?
Whatever the case, Kana was pretty sure Aqua, for all pessimism, was actually extremely idealistic and believed in his goals wholeheartedly. And that was why he kept himself distant.
But deep down, couldn't they just for a while, be selfish?
"You do like to use people and situations to your advantage. It probably stops you from getting too close to others, huh?"
"Not exactly, I just feel more comfortable just keeping to myself. Other people can be exhausting, you know? I don't manipulate everyone I meet; I just need connections. Everyone puts on acts sometimes."
Kana was all too familiar with playing a role. Aqua was more calculating than most, she supposed but again if she was after something, would she behave the same way? Were they not cut from the same cloth?
Kana let them fall into a contemplative silence. She was very aware of Aqua beside her. They were effectively wrapped around each other, and it should've been tense and strange but once more it was surprisingly comfortable. Why was talking so hard but existing together so very easy?
"Let's pretend, you and I," Kana eventually spoke.
"Oh?" Aqua's voice sounded bored but she could tell he was interested all the same, could feel his fingers curl around her should just that bit tighter.
"Just for tonight, let's pretend that the past doesn't exist and that the future doesn't exist either. There's only right now. What would you say to me?"
Aqua breathed in deeply. "What would I say to the beautiful girl, falling asleep on my shoulder?"
Kana smiled. "A little girl, looking for love in all the wrong places. She's never had much sense."
"…I suppose I'd want to cherish her, right? Forgetting everything else, I know I'd patronisingly want to protect her."
"And she'd want just the opposite naturally. She's found a beautiful boy to give her compliments. It's all part of her plan to make him love her, if it were possible."
Kana lifted herself up, no longer leaning against him, as if pulling away, only to stare deep into his eyes. She could feel her heart beating; her fingers were tingling. If a part of him really did love her as she been suspecting for so long, would he accept her?
"Kana, I don't know if this is right," Aqua said, though his voice had a desperate tone to it, eyes transfixed on hers as he was leaning forward, a hand rising to caress her face.
Kana closed her eyes, leaning forward.
Soft, gentle lips brushed against her own; tentative but real. She kissed him back, arms pulling him closer. It was light, delicate, fragile yet lovely and affectionate.
Kana longed to go further yet held herself back. She would not push, she was giving; not taking. Aqua was afraid of affection even as she was desperate for it. Aqua had kissed her. He cherished her. And she loved him.
Seconds later, they pulled apart. She breathed in deeply, taking in his flustered expression.
If Kana had been expected his eyes to be full of wonder and delight, she'd have been disappointed. But his worry and confusion made sense enough. He didn't want to like her, but it seemed he did. They'd have to deal with that.
"I've had to kiss people in shows a few times. But that was fake, false lies to garner media attention or I suppose you could look at it as two characters kissing because they were in love and I'm of course just the manual worker." Kana leaned back into her chair and spoke in a conversational tone, killing the tension for Aqua's sake.
"So it's nice to have had a kiss that wasn't a lie. I appreciate that."
Aqua nodded. "Yeah, it was nice."
"And it was my choice, you didn't manipulate me into it or anything. And it's not a commitment, merely a moment. We work well together, you and I."
Aqua tilted his head. "Are you.. trying to give me moral support?"
Kana smiled awkwardly, unsure what to say. As she'd said, she would be willing to take whatever he gave her, had she not made it clear that she would always desire more?
Suddenly, Kana was yanked forward. A hand on her neck dragged her down and she was being kissed once more.
As fast as it happened it was over. Kana's heart was beating rapidly as Aqua's face encompassed her vision.
"I like you a lot. Don't forget it."
He leaned in and she opened her mouth to accept another kiss.
It was deeper and more aggressive and she'd never even been kissed like this! She nibbled at his lips as he explored her mouth with tongue. She could feel him, it was like he was surround her, with long arms wrapped around her, pulling her deeper in. Or was it she pulling him in?
All too soon, they released each other once more but Kana couldn't keep the grin from her face.
"Aqua, I will never forget this. That was brilliant!" She said, unsure if she was even making much sense.
Who cared? Aqua liked her! He wanted her! It was official! Well, probably not official. That was for worrying about later.
The sound of train doors opening alerted her to the existence of their surroundings. Oh gosh, where were they? Why had they done that in semi-public?
True, there was hardly anyone about, but it was not no one. They hadn't bene loud or anything but it was still a public display of affection And she had to be blushing a deep red at this point. Her eyes glanced about the carriage, and the couple businessmen and whoever else was travelling seemed to be averting their eyes.
This was so stupid! Oh but her equally stupid smiling expression wouldn't abate.
And what now? It had been her hope for some time now that Aqua would confess his feelings for her but she hadn't bothered to think about what came after that!
Did they continue as they were? Yes, that made sense. This wasn't about a relationship, it was about understanding that they had feelings for each other. If that meant nothing more, that was that. Aqua had his plans and she was not here to distract him.
"Someday, I'd love for more. You've got a lot going on but I'll hold your affection in my heart, okay?"
"Kana?" Aqua was confused.
"I'm a distraction for you and you have your agenda. You also mentioned secrets. I hope one day you can share but I don't need that all now, as I said, it was never a commitment. Maybe it could be a promise though, if you'd like?"
"A promise that you'll wait for me, is that it?" Aqua asked.
Kana nodded cheerily. "That we could have a future together if you ever wanted. And I can go on living knowing that you love me because you must do, right? It's inconvenient and mistimed but that makes it all the more true."
"You don't need to wait for me, there's more for you out there," Aqua replied.
"Then you'll have to get through your stuff quickly before the next guy – or girl – takes me away from you forever."
Why had she added the bit about girls, Kana wondered. He didn't need to know that.
Aqua reached out and gripped her hand tightly. "It sounds as if you're the one toying with my heart now."
"I'm an idol, did you know? That's your fault by the way. It's my job to make everyone fall in love with me," Kana replied, still quite unable to stop grinning.
"Yes, I suppose it is. You'll be a wonderful idol, dear Kana. I might have to hopelessly admire you just like your many, many adoring fans."
Aaah her heart was going to burst at this rate.
"Thank you. You know I'm grateful for that by the way. Being an idol. I know I talk down about it a lot but if it wasn't for it, we be practically strangers."
"And I'm grateful for your help too. You don't know how much you really helped me, that day you followed me home. But you mean a lot to me."
Kana giggled. "This is getting cheesier than Sweet Today. At least we didn't have to get attacked by some thief to declare our feelings."
Just then, the train buzzed, announcing their stop was approaching.
She grabbed her bag, and stood up. Aqua followed her out.
As planned, they walked the brief walk to her home, letting silence fall between them. It was a calm sort of silence as they both contemplated what they were doing.
She wasn't ready for anymore tonight, despite all she'd said. It was late, and she was exhausted from the Tokyo Blade performance. AS they approached her door, Kana turned and just stared at him.
"Thank you so much for escorting me home. I have had a lovely journey but I won't press for more tonight. I've taken up much of your time as it is."
Aqua nodded, looking grateful. "Then I will bid you farewell my lady."
"Goodnight Aqua," Kana said.
She breathed in deeply carefully opening the door leading to her apartment. Aqua reached once more however, and she paused.
He stepped forward and kissed her cheek.
"Good night, my love."
Thanks for reading! Please do leave a reviewI would really appreciate it. Also check out my other Aqua/Kana fic, please! I am desperate to talk about that one too. I am loving this ship, can you tell? Sadly I can't write intimacy at all, I'm all about dialogue. So much dialogue.
Kana inwardly: 'What comes after kissing?' Me, writing. 'Okay so what comes after kissing? How do you end this thing? 1000 words later and they're still talking omg.
I would still love to write more Oshi no Ko stuff. I have a little list of ideas that are probably a bit ambitious but oh well.
Do any of these sound cool?
-Rather than doing nothing till he turns 15, Aqua decides to track down one of the old contacts on Ai's phone by joining the modelling agency a year or so earlier. He eventually ends up with Male protagonist role in 'I'll go with Sweet today' that Melt had in Canon meaning he is the lead opposite Kana.
-When they're kids on set, Kana sees Ai and Aqua together and immediately just assumes their mother and son. She never questions this assumption and when they meet years later in canon she just already knows. She's on one hand like wow your probably traumatised but on the other oh yeah, youre in the industry cause of nepotism, by the way my mother tried to use my fame for herself and grew to hate me. It would be so messy.
-Goro never dies and never reincarnates. He and Kana still meet.