The Story begins at nightfall at Brittney's house. Brittney is preparing for bedtime.]
Brittney: [enters her bedroom in nightgown, with book, and cup of tea] [sighs] Finally, the weekend is here. And this isn't just any old weekend, [gestures to "Dance Quarterly" calendar on wall] this is the weekend Star and Marco go camping. Wouldn't it be great if they got lost in the woods and never came back? [thought bubble appears over Brittney] [In Brittney's thought bubble, Star is hiking with Marco, both have camping gear strapped to their backs. An owl hoots. Star and Marco are worried]
Star: [in Brittney's thoughts] Marco, I'm scared! [Brittney's thought bubble disappears]
Brittney: Ho-ho, that would be great! [jumps into bed]You've waited a long time for this. A soft bed, warm tea, a good book, and two whole days with no... Magic from Star. [Brittney hears Star's laugh outside]
Brittney: What the...?! [goes outside to find Star and Marco in a tent, complete with sleeping bags and reading books, the two are laughing] Star, aren't you two supposed to be camping?
Star: We are camping.
Brittney: Star, it's not camping if you're ten feet from your house.[Camera zooms out to show tent's location]
Star: Aww, it doesn't matter where you are as long as you're outdoors. While all those soft city folk are safe in their beds reading books, we're out here, pitting ourselves against the formidable forces of nature. You wanna join us?
Brittney: No.
Star: Okay. Have fun inside. [Brittney leaves; Star and Marco pull their book back out, along with a flashlight, and begin to read and giggle]
Brittney: [pops back into tent, glaring] What do you mean, "have fun inside"?
Star: Just... have fun inside. See you tomorrow.
Brittney: Oh. Bye. [Brittney exits; Star and Marco resume reading; Brittney enters tent again and gasps]
Brittney: You little sneak! I see what you're doing!
Star: What?
Brittney: Don't think I can't see what you're doing!
Star: What?
Brittney: You're saying I can't take it!
Star: But all I...
Brittney: [holds up her hand] Ah! You're saying I'm soft! You think your little "have fun inside" challenge is gonna make me come camping with you, but that is never gonna happen! There's no way I'm gonna sit out here all night with you two losers! So get used to it! [exits tent]
Star: Okay. Have fun inside.
Brittney: [pokes head back into tent, blowing Star and Marco back with her loud voice] That's it, I'm in! I'll show you camping! [runs into her house]
Star: [to Marco] Brittney's gonna come camping with us! [both climb out of tent and giggle]
Brittney: [emerges with large camping backpack] Now, you'll see how a real... [falls face forward on the ground, squished by the immense backpack] ...outdoorsman does it! [climbs out from underneath; pulls pouch from backpack] Here we are, my remote-controlled, self-assembling tent. Watch and learn. [Star takes out binoculars, Marco a notepad and a pair of half-moon glasses; Brittney tosses pouch into the air and presses the remote, but the power fizzles and the tent appears, unassembled in a pile on the ground]
Star: That was great, Brittney, but how do you get inside?
Marco: Yeah, it's all crushy-looking.
Brittney: It isn't put up yet, you idiots. [grumbles, picking up the tent and fiddling around with it and accidentally rips it] Huh?
Star: [still acting like she and Marco are taking notes] Customization!
Marco: Genius!
Brittney: [Brittney beats on the tent with a wooden stick] Bah! Bah! Bah!
Star: She's tenderizing the ground!
Marco: Of course! [Brittney is still struggling with the tent]
Star: Write that down! Write that down! [Marco still appears to be taking notes, but there is just a tic-tac-toe game in progress on his notepad.]
Brittney: [gives the pile a huge kick; it automatically becomes an assembled tent] Huh? Voila! [the perfect tent collapses to pile form again; Brittney pushes it out of the way] But what could compare to just lying out under the stars? [takes a lone blanket and places it on the ground; Star and Marco applaud and cheer wildly and vigorously] Well, I've worked up an appetite as big as all outdoors. Time for a little grub. I suppose you two are gonna stew up some twigs and rocks, right?
Star: [laughs] Nope, we've got something even better - Marshmallows. [pulls out "Marsh King" bag and pops a marshmallow into her mouth] Mmm-mm. Just like the astronauts eat.
Marco: [has round fishbowl over his head like the helmet of an astronaut suit; imitates static noise] Marco to Star. Marco to Star. Do you read me? Over.
Star: [also has "helmet." Imitates static noise] Star to Marco. I read you. Over.
Marco: [static] Marco to Star. I like going. [static] Over.
Star: [static] Star to Marco. [static] Me too. [Marco and Star start to repeatedly exchange static noises. Brittney is annoyed.] Star to Marco, help yourself. Over. [holds out Marsh King bag]
Marco: Yummy! [takes marshmallow and crams it into his mouth, smashing his "helmet"]Marco to Star! The deliciousness has landed!
Brittney: Well, you two astronauts can eat marshmallows. I'm gonna have a can of Swedish Meat Balls, [holds up, closely showing its full label] just as soon as I can get my can opener.
Star: But Brittney, didn't you take a can opener when you hiked out here?
Brittney: Why would I bother? We're ten feet from my house.
Star: But this is the wilderness! It just doesn't seem to fit the camping spirit!
Marco: Pretty weenie.
Brittney: Alright, alright! Gimme a marshmallow! [Brittney begins toasting his marshmallow lightly. Marco, sitting across from her, sets his on fire and tries to blow on it to cool it down, but the marshmallow flies off and hits Brittney in the face. Marco gets another marshmallow and repeats the same thing twice. After two marshmallows to the face, Brittney ducks and she laughs at her dodging, but the third marshmallow has a boomerang effect and hits Brittney in the back of the head]
Brittney: Okay. Besides spitting molten food stuffs at me, what else do you do for fun?
Star: Well, after a long day of camping, it's nice to unwind with a nice, relaxing campfire song. I call this one "The Campfire Song Song." Let's gather 'round the campfire and sing our campfire song. Our C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song. And if you don't think that we can sing it faster, then you're wrong. But it'll help if you just sing along...
Marco: Bum! Bum! Bum!
Both: [Marco slightly behind Star in the words] C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song!
Star: And if you don't think that we can sing it faster, then you're wrong! But it'll help if you just sing along...
Marco: Sing another song...
Star: C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song! Marco!
Marco: SONG! C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E...
Star: Brittney! [silence] Good! It'll help... it'll help... if you just sing along! [Star smashes her ukulele like a guitar at the end of a rock show. Marco does the same with his drum set] Oh, yeah! Ahh... Now wasn't that relaxing?
Brittney: No! This is relaxing. [holds up her clarinet and begins playing "Kumbaya" awfully; Star and Marco look alarmed]
Star: Oh, no! [picks up a marshmallow and holds it into a slingshot] I'll save you, Brittney! [Star slingshots the marshmallow at Brittney; it goes up her clarinet and sticks in the back of her throat; Star comes over to assist her.]
Star: Brittney, are you all right? That's it, chew, chew, and swallow. There, better?
Brittney: Better?! I was just fine until you lodged that ballistic junk food into my windpipe!
Star: But I had to! It's too dangerous to play the clarinet badly out here in the wilderness! It might attract... [whispers] a bear.
Brittney: [in a low, cautious tone] A bear? You mean like the ones that... [In an angry tone] don't exist?!
Star: What are you saying?
Brittney: There's no such thing! They're just a myth!
Star: Oh, no, Brittney, bears are all too real! It says so in the Echo Creek Inquirer! [holds up cheesy tabloid newspaper] Brittney: [reads cover story] "I Married a Bear"?
Marco: Yeah, and Fake Science Monthly! [holds up newspaper]
Brittney: [reads] "Bears and Fairy Tales Are Real"? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!
Marco: Well, maybe it is stupid, but it's also dumb!
Star: Marco's right, Brittney. Bears are no laughing matter. Why, once I met this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy's cousin...
Brittney: You're right! I should be more careful. In fact, why don't you tell me all of the things I shouldn't do if I want to keep the sea bears away?
Star: Okay, that's easy. First off, don't play the clarinet.
Brittney: Okay. Then what?
Star: Never wave your flashlight back and forth really fast.
Marco: Flashlights are their natural prey.
Brittney: You're kidding.
Star: Don't stomp around. They take that as a challenge.
Marco: Yeah.
Brittney: [writes on notepad] Go on.
Star: Don't ever eat cheese.
Brittney: Sliced or cubed?
Star: [whispers with Marco] Cubed; sliced is fine.
Brittney: Yeah, yeah, and?
Star: Never wear a sombrero...
Marco: ...in a goofy fashion!
Star: Or clown shoes.
Marco: Or a hoop skirt.
Star: And never...
Marco: Ever...
Star: Ever...
Marco: Duh!
Both: Screech like a chimpanzee!
Brittney: Wow! That's amazing how many things can set a bear off!
Both: [huddling together, shuddering] They're horrible!
Brittney: And... and suddenly I have the sense we're all in danger!
Both: Why?
Brittney: I don't know... [runs off and returns with a flashlight, clown shoes, hoop skirt, sombrero, and tray full of cubed cheese; a diabolical look is on her face] Just a feeling!
Star: [horrified] No.
Brittney: Yes.
Star: No! [Brittney begins making chimp noises]
Brittney: U! Uhuhu!
Both: Brittney, please don't! [Brittney continues hooting, stomping, and waving flashlight around]
Brittney: Uh! Uh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Marco: Star, what are we gonna do? A bear's sure to come and eat us!
Star: Don't worry, Marco. I'll draw us an anti-bear circle in the dirt. [takes stick and draws circle around herself and Marco] Brittney: [continues to screech like a chimpanzee] Uh! Uh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Uh!
Marco: Good thinking! [holds up another issue of Fake Science Monthly] All the experts say it's the only defense against a bear attack.
Brittney: [ends to screeching] Uh! Uh! Uh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! [laughing] Ha! Ha! Ha! You guys are so gullible! See? I did everything that attracts a bear, and nothing happened! If bears really exist, why didn't one show up?
Star: Maybe it's because you're not wearing your sombrero in a goofy fashion.
Brittney: Oh, pfft, sorry! How silly of me! You mean like this? [Brittney tilts her sombrero to the right, laughing, but something off-screen takes the hat and turns it upside-down instead] [Camera zooms out to show an angry bear that inverted Brittney's sombrero.]
Star: No. Like that. [Brittney sees the growling bear and screams when it roars and chases her while she runs; it begins to maul [offscreen] Brittney while Star and Marco are still huddled inside their anti-bear circle]
Star: Brittney, are you okay? Brittney: [looking bruised and battered] No.
Star: Quick, jump inside our anti-bear circle before he comes back!
Marco: [brings the anti-bear circle and drops it at his and Star's current position]Yeah. Bears often attack more than once.
Brittney: Are you crazy? A dirt circle won't stop that monster! I'm running for my life!
Both: No! [The bear rushes back and attacks Brittney again]
Star: Don't run! Bears hate that!
Brittney: Thanks for the tip. I guess I'll just limp home, then.
Both: No! [The bear returns a third time attacking Brittney]
Star: They hate limping more than running!
Brittney: Well, I guess I'll just have to- [The bear attacks Brittney for the fourth time]
Star: I should have warned you about crawling! [The bear attacks Brittney yet again]
Brittney: What'd I do that time?!
Star: I don't know, I guess he just doesn't like you!
Marco: Pretend to be somebody else!
Star: Here, draw a circle! [tosses Brittney the stick]
Brittney: Okay! [The bear attacks Brittney anyway]
Star: That was an oval! It has to be a circle!
Brittney: [runs and climbs on top of Star and Marco, who are still sitting in the circle]Move over! [The bear comes up to Brittney in the circle, then notices the circle itself below before it snarls and points a threatening claw at her, and leaves]
Brittney: Hey, it worked! You guys saved my life!
Star, Marco, Brittney: Hooray!
Star: Yeah, I'm glad it was just a bear. This circle would never hold back a rhinoceros.
Brittney: What attracts them?
Marco: The sound of a bear attack. [A rhinoceros appears, snorting]
Star: Heh, good thing we're all wearing our anti-rhinoceros undergarments. Right, Brittney?
Brittney: Huh?