Author Note: The Disney Television Animation characters are in their characters self instead of their Chib-self.
(The disney workers are situated in the living room. Dipper is holding a clipboard.)
Dipper: Alright. The options for this month's game night are...
(Dipper looks down at the clipboard and begins to read out the many game night options.)
Dipper: Cards, Double Dutch, Tiddly Winks and -
(He briefly stops reading and then looks up)
Dipper:"Bingo Bango" isn't a game, Cricket. That doesn't even make sense.
Cricket: Looks like I win!
(He high fives Phineas)
Marcy: Let's play Ball-bo Catcher!
(Marcy pulls out his Ball-Bo Catcher and laughs while playing with it)
Anne: A crossword puzzle?
Dipper:Okay, let's vote.
(Star yawns)
Dipper:Yes, Star?
Star: Oh, nothing.
Dipper: Do you have a better idea?
Star: We could play one of those stale old games we usually play.
Luz: Or we could play the sci-fi fantasy epic of the century!
(Luz picks up a box so she can show the gangs the board game.)
Luz: Behold, "The Realm of Darthon"!
(Star waves her arms while vocalizing)
Dipper:So, what is it?
Star:It's a role-playing game. We make up an adventure and you guys try to beat it.
Luz:You can use magic and stuff.
Marcy:A game of imagination? What fun!
Cricket:Sounds lame.
Luz:No way,
Star:The guy at the store told us it's the hottest RPG of the year.
Dipper:(sighs)All in favor?
(Everyone else but Anne agrees)
Cricket:Alright, I guess.
Star and Luz:WHOOOOO! Darthon! Darthon!
(The magic girls high-five each other.)
Luz: Get ready for the best game night of your life.
(The scene circle-wipe transitions to the kitchen where the disney workers are all gathered at the dining table playing "The Realm of Darthon".)
Star:Your party walks down a long hallway and reaches a locked door. What do you do?
Cricket: I smash it open with my war claw! Then, a bunch of ladies come out, and they're all, "Ooh Cricket, quit pinching my butt with your war claw!"
Luz: Roll the 50-sided die to see if you unlock the door.
(Anne looks at the die and marbles)
Anne: All we have is a 48-sided die and two marbles.
Luz:Close enough.
(Muscle Man rolls the die and marbles... only for all of them to roll off the table.)
Cricket: Did it work?'
(Luz examines the chart)
Luz: Uhhh... I don't think so.
Cricket: This blows.
(Marcy waves her hand in order to get Star's attention.)
Marcy: Star! Star!(in western accent)But I'll reckon I'd like a turn now!
(Star reads a ROD rulebook)
Star:Cyborg cowboys take three days to awaken from hyper sleep. Sorry, Marcy.
(Marcy moans)
Anne: Can't she cast a saving throw?
Star: Uhhh...
Dipper: What does all this stuff mean? Are we even in Darthon yet?
(Star flips through the book, moaning)
Dipper: Or is that just an artifact for something?
(Dipper continues to flip through book, then quickly slams it shut.)
Star:Uhhh... your party is suddenly ambushed by a flock of manbats! Anne the Mighty gets first strike!
(Anne rolls the dice and marbles)
Star:Let's see...
(Luz looks at one of the ROD sheets as she calculates)
Luz:Pirate samurai have plus two times two shen... minus three charisma... divide by number of geese... Do we have a protractor?
Dipper:I'm outta here.
(All of the disney workers, except for Star and Luz , get up and walk away)
Cricket: Worst game night ever!
Luz:(moans) Star, they're right!
(She knocks away the ROD stand)This game stink!
Star:Let's get our money back.
(The scene then circle wipe transitions to a "Disney's COMIC PLUS AND MORE ETC." store. There's a long line of people standing in front of the store. Star and Luz make their way to the cash register by pushing in.)
Luz: Out of the way! Out of the way, everybody!
Star:Coming through, coming through!
Luz: Out of the way! Out of the way people!
(The magic girls make it to the front of the line and come face to face with Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons.)
Star: We're here for a refund.
Comic Book Guy: I'd love to give you a refund, but you need a receipt for that.
Luz:I got a receipt right here.
(She slams the receipt onto the table.)
Comic Book Guy: Excellent. And now the unopened product?
Star: What?! You can't return it if it's opened?!
Comic Book Guy: Well, yes! It's clearly stated on the back of your receipt.
Luz: What?! That's lame! You can barely even see the writing!
Comic Book Guy: Yes, well, perhaps if you learned to read, it would be easy for you to see. Good day, ladies!
Luz: Dude, just give us our money back. This game blows!
(Luz pounds her fists on the table in anger.)
Comic Book Guy: Uh, "The Realm of Darthon" doesnotblow! You're probably doing it wrong. It's a role-playing game. You have to use your imagination.
Luz: No way, dude! The game is the problem, not us!
Nelson: Uh, hey, are you lady gonna be wrapping this up soon?
Comic Book Guy: Oh yeah. We're done here.
(The person goes up to the table to get TROD checked out.)
Star: Okay, I guess you won't mind if we tell people how "cool" your game is!
(Turns around to face the people waiting in line.)
Star: Hey, everybody! Don't waste your time waiting in line for this huge piece. It's probably the worst game we've ever played.
Luz: Yeah, and he won't even give us a refund. This fat yellow guy doesn't give refunds, people!
(Everyone puts their copies of the board game back on the shelf Nelson point at Comic Book Guy.)
Nelson: Ha-ha your board game sucks!
Comic Book Guy: Let's go!
(Comic Book Guy pushes Star and Luz out the door.)
Comic Book Guy: I want you two out of my store, now!
(He slams the door shut.)
Star: Ugh! We can't let that guy get away with this. We spent the last of our cash on it! We have to get our money back.
Luz: Yeah!
(She briefly pauses for a moment.)
So, how do we do that?
(The camera zooms into his face as Star answers Luz's question.)
Star: We'll just sabotage his business until he gives us our refund.
(The scene then cuts to sometime later at the store. Star and Luz drive up in the disney cart, wearing cheaply-made costumes)
Jimbo Jones: Heh, nice outfits!(chuckles)Losers.(everyone else in line laughs)
Luz:You don't like these costumes? But they're from the "Make Your Own" section of the Darthon gamebook.(everyone in line gasps)
Star: That's right.(Comic Book Guy looks on, and walks out)We followed the instructions perfectly.
Comic Book Guy: But you used toilet paper rolls, instead of paper towel rolls. The costumes look awesome when you do it right.
Luz: Yeah? Do they look as awesome as the game pieces?(holds up an ugly-looking wizard character piece)
Dolph: Ugh!(walks away)
Comic Book Guy: W-w-w-wait! There's lots of other characters if you don't like the pixie sorcerer.
Star:(holds up book of characters)No there aren't. They're all just the same with different costumes.(flips pages of book to show that every character has the same ugly face and pose)
Kearney: I didn't realize it was that kind of game.
Luz: Nobody knows what kind of game it is.
Star:Is it medieval? Sci-fi? Western?
Comic Book Guy: It's a role-playing game!(everyone walks away)You have to use your imagination! Ugh!(walks away)
Luz: That's right! Go get us our refund!
(Comic Book Guy nails a sign to the wall. It reads: "25% off The Realm of Darthon")
Bart: No way man!(everyone comes to the store because of the sign)
Star: This campaign is just getting started.
(We begin a montage of Star and Luz discouraging the other people from buying TRoD. Star first show two people that the stand must be set up, and that setting it up can be dangerous, making them shake their heads and walk away. Comic Book Guy gets angry and makes the game 50% off. Then, Luz shows the people in line that the 50-sided die is only 48-sided. The people in line walk away again as Comic Book Guy watches and makes the game 75% off. Star then shows the people in line how excessively long the game board is. The people walk away yet again, making Comic Book Guy having to sell the game for 100% off with purchase of gum. One person purchases gum and gets the game, but Star and Luz stop the guy to show that the card deck has a joker playing card and a dry cleaning coupon. The person then throws the game against the wall and kicks it a few times before walking off. Star and Luz high-five as the montage concludes.)
Comic Book Guy: That's it!(Comes out wearing a cape and a gold helmet, and holding a book)The Realm of Darthon does not suck!
StarYeah, but your costume does.(Star and Luz laugh)
(Comic Book Guy pants heavily before an aura surrounds him while he holds the book to his face, exposing his skull)
Comic Book Guy:(demonically)No refunds!(Comic Book Guy's face reverts back to normal, but with dilated pupils, as he laughs insanely. Star and Luz scream before we cut to black. Torches light the scene, showing that we are now in a temple. The magic girls are now in authentic fantasy-like outfits)
Luz: Star, check out our costumes.
Star: Yeah! Where are we?
(zoom out. A booming voice echoes through the temple)
Voice:Welcome, to the Realm of Darthon.(pan to the magic kingdom)Leave while you still can.
Star: We're not leaving without a refund.
(The scenery around the kingdom goes black as the doors to the way out close.)
Voice: Then come and get it!
(A gate door opens. Star and Luz run into the temple. A noise makes sound somewhere)
Luz: Did you hear that?
Star:I think it's coming from a-(manbats come towards Star ) ...head!(they start to swarm around them)
Luz: Aaagh! What are these things?
Star: Ignore it. They're just lame enemies from the game.
Voice: Lame? What do you think of man bats' teamwork?(a big manbat sucks up some manbats in front of him and spits them at Star and Luz , but they slice them all in half with swords)
Luz: Next time, send enemies that don't blow.(Star and Luz run into a foyer)
Voice: Well, if you didn't like those enemies, then how about some...(appear as said)Mutant jellyfish! Robo-bears! Angry tree people with pixie sorcerers?
(Star and Luz start slicing the enemies, and as they die, they disappear into smoke)
Star: Watch out!(throws a knife that lands into a pixie sorcerer's stomach. Although it dies, Star and Luz are still surrounded) Luz, there are too many of them!(Star and Luz look at each other)
Voice:Come on! Everyone knows technomancers can summon allies.
Star: Luz!
Luz:(pushes buttons on keyboard)Summon allies!(three orbs are unleashed into the air. The orbs summon Anne, a warrior, Marcy, a cyborg cowboy, and Dipper, an elf from Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons)
Dipper:What the-(in the BG, Star and Luz are fighting the bad guys)I told you girls I didn't want to play this game.
Star: We need your help!
Luz: We need the refund from the game master!
Dipper: What?(a robo-bear roars, and starts charging towards them. Anne goes over and kills the robo-bear with one swipe of the blade. A bird flies onto her shoulder)When this is over, you two are dead!
(Dipper fires an arrow. Star fend off some formally-dressed jack o'lanterns. Marcy pushes buttons on a keyboard, firing a laser at an angry tree person, killing it)
Marcy :Oooh!(Laughs while firing lasers at mutant jellyfish. There's still a lot of enemies around them all. Anne kills a jack o'lantern, and Dipper fires an arrow at a mutant jellyfish. Marcy is still trigger crazy.)
Star: Haha, yeah!
Voice: I changed my mind. Necromancerscan'tsummon allies.(Dipper, Marcy and Anne disappear)
Luz: What?
Star: He's just cheating so he can win!
Luz: Quit chea-(a pixie sorcerer shoves her in the stomach, pinning her to the ground, and punches Luz. A mutant jellyfish is stuck to Star)
Voice: I'm not cheating. I'm using my imagination!(Star slices the jellyfish, splitting it into two)That's what makes this game fun!
Star: That's what makes this game blow!
Voice: Enough!(enemies disappear. A light shines)I won't allow you to insult my realm any longer.
(the silhouette of a knight appears into the light, and reveals itself on top of the steps)
Darthon:I am Darthon!(the mace levitates into the air, and its spikes morph into screaming faces that turn into a ghost skeleton)Still think this game blows?
(The ghost flies towards Star and Luz as they scream. Luz unleashes a lightning bolt from her finger)
Darthon: Lightning bolts have no effect on giant monsters.(the lightning bolt bounces off the ghost. Star throws a bomb)Projectile weapons deal damage to the user!(the bomb morphs into a boomerang and explodes over Star and Luz's heads)Oh no, You stepped in a permafrost puddle!(the ground freezes under Star and Luz's feet, causing them to slip)Players are frozen in place!(ice freezes up to Star and Luz's necks. The ghost is coming towards them)
Luz: Stay back!(the ghost stops)Self-destruct?(the ghost explodes. Star and Luz look at each other, now realizing the only way to defeat Darthon is to beat him at his own role-playing game - fight magical fire with magical fire, in other words.)
Star:We are not frozen.(the ice around them breaks)Looks like it's our turn.
(The magic girls start running)
Darthon: Your party is washed away by a flood!(summons a tidal wave)
Star: Our 3 awesomeness repels water.(the wave fails to attack Star . Darthon screams in anger and summons a fireball)
Luz :Fireballs are made of kittens!(fireball becomes kittens)
Darthon: Kittens are man-eating tigers!(kittens become tigers)
Star: Man-eating tigers turn into stuffed animals!(tigers become stuffed animals. The stuffed animals run into the magic girls as they run up the steps)
Darthon: Players lose their weapons when running!(Star's sword and Luz's staff fly off)
Star: Warriors carry the Immunity Sword, which is immune to all rule changes!(pulls out sword)
Darthon:W-what?!No!That's not-
(Star stabs Darthon with the Immunity Sword in the chest, beating the Dungeon Master in his own game. Darthon screams in agonized pain)
Star: Now give us our refund.
(Darthon kneels to the ground as we fade to the real world. It turns out Darthon was Comic Book Guy)
Star and Luz: Haha! Yeah, we did it!(Comic Book Guy groans. It turns out the immunity sword was a ruler)
Star: Hey, are you okay?
Comic Book Guy: Yeah. I'm fine. Here's your refund.(pulls out the money)
Star: No, it's cool. You should keep it.
Comic Book Guy: No, no. You beat me fair and square.(hands Luz the money)
Luz: Are you sure you're alright?
Star: Yeah. We can take you to the hospital.
Comic Book Guy: No. No. I'm fine.(gets in car)I just need an icepack.(struggles to get seatbelt in)I... just... gotta... I gotta go up and lay down for a bit. Worst Fan fiction regular show parody ever! (drives off. Dipper, Marcy and Anne walk up)
Marcy: Star! Luz!
Star: Marcy! Where have you guys been?
Dipper: We were hiding in the armor closet, then suddenly, we were in the stock room at Shoe Farm.
Luz: (pulls out money) Good thing it was worth it!(shakes money)Seven bones, baby!
Dipper: Seven dollars?! We almost died for seven dollars?!
Luz: The numbers aren't important.
Star: It was the principle.
Luz: Yeah. If we're gonna spend that kind of money, it's gotta be on a cool game.
Star: Yeah. Something like Trail of Elderich or The Lair of Anthalon.
Luz: Is that out?
Star: Yeah. It came out last week.
(Star and Luz run into the store)
Star and Luz: Yeayuh!
(The End )