Love could manifest in many ways. Most would describe it as a blissful sensation, filling your heart and soul with warmth and hope for a wonderful future just beyond the horizon. Some might view it as a prison, one of your heart's own making, that leaves you at the beck and call of another. Then some, rather cynically, would call it a complete waste of time. They would recommend to focus on oneself to a degree, such that no other individual would be required in their life. While this was certainly an option, it sounded like it would make for a rather monotonous and isolated life.
It was certainly not the type of existence Gamo was wishing for. That being said, it sounded more pleasant than the reality ahead of her. It had been some time now that Maki had become fully aware of the depth of emotions she held for Naoto. For a time, the woman had assumed that she was more than prepared for all that he could throw at her, but moments like these, boiling her blood, reminded her how fragile their connection could be, given the circumstances.
Nagatoro had betrayed and violated the man Gamo adored. This left scars on his heart that never had the opportunity to properly heal, as had been once again evident when he broke down before her within the art club room. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, she was still a part of his life.
Naoto had run away after graduation, managed to build a life around the crumbling ruins of his life, lifted himself up from the ashes, and come out stronger for it. But due to a freak accident, a cruel jest of the universe, their group was reunited with him. And while Gamo counted herself as incredibly lucky to have realized her love for the man, she would be willing to trade these feelings of devotion and acceptance to give him a chance of never having to encounter any of them, ever again.
Naoto deserved so much better.
It was unbelievable to her that Hayase had somehow managed to worm her way back into his life, when she had done nothing but trample all over him for so long. This went beyond regular denial, Naoto's mind must have been absolutely screwed up by her at this point, to even consider giving her a chance at redemption.
Gamo hit the steering wheel with the palm of her hand, the anger flaring inside her requiring an out. Life wasn't great, but it used to make sense. There used to be a time when she would just train at her family's gym, from morning to night, lonely yet fulfilled with what she was doing. Now, she felt an absence of any sort of satisfaction. It occurred to her that her rage and determination no longer stemmed purely from wanting to guard Naoto from further harm. Instead, she felt the need for petty validation. How dared Nagatoro to creep back into his life, to continue to attempt and woo him with her disgusting behavior, when she had caused such untold chaos and destruction? And how could Naoto lack the courage and will to push her aside!?
After what had happened between the both of them, the way it felt to hold Naoto tightly against her, the want and heat radiating off of him, how could he still even look at Hayase? After making Gamo feel so wanted, so desirable, for the first time in her life, he backpedaled into pain, of his own volition?
Gamo screamed as she slammed her hand into the console of the car, again and again. Her fiery eyes were eerily vibrating within their sockets, absolute fury overtaking her. It took great pains to remind herself not to take the frustration out on him.
It wasn't Naoto's fault.
He was the victim.
This wasn't his fault.
His head wasn't on right.
Gamo slammed the breaks, forcing her car to come to a screeching halt on the empty road. The woman knew herself well and she was aware that driving in this mental condition was essentially a DUI. She slowly pulled off onto the shoulder, just in case someone would be coming by at this ungodly hour.
Gamo had hoped that she would be able to get her mind to stop spinning if she took a drive at night, windows open, and the wind hitting her face. All it had managed to do was royally piss her off.
There was a dangerous glint in Gamo's eyes as her mind was running in circles, chasing its own tail, with Naoto's stupid, adorable face smack dab in the middle. Imagining Nagatoro beside him made her want to rip her hairs out.
Gamo tried to envision what it would be like, if it was just her and Naoto. The redhead's mind conjured up images of a cute date, at a beach side cafe, watching the sun set over the ocean. She thought about what it would be like to have Naoto awkwardly try to play with her hair, as the last rays of sunlight tickled her skin. Her heart began racing as she imagined his bashful laughter, while Gamo pulled him closer, before sealing the moment with a passionate kiss.
Maki dared to dream of the moment she and Naoto moved into their own place together, jumping up and down on the mattress in excitement. The way she'd joyfully rummage through all the shelves to gauge where they'd find enough room to store all their appliances. How Naoto would try to slow her down, reminding her that they still had much to do, lots to unpack, before she would playfully toss him onto the make shift bed and devour him hungrily.
For a brief, glorious moment, she could see a little girl, with fiery red, curly hair, playing in a lush, green yard, flanked by her loving, doting father.
This was it.
This was the moment where Maki finally made her decision.
There would be no more waiting.
No more skirting around the issue.
Naoto would be hers.
Gamo was willing to give him the time to grieve and reconsider his life, as he requested, but after that, he would find her relentlessly smothering him with the love and dedication that he deserved and she desired to give.
Nagatoro had no claim to his love, she had no right to be anywhere near him. The horrendous creature should have been purged from his life long ago. It was madness to think otherwise. Gamo would show him. Naoto would forget all about her once Gamo was done with him.
With a downright maniacal smirk, Gamo put her car back in drive and put the pedal to the metal, zooming down the open, empty road.
It seemed as though a weight had been lifted off of her. For the first time in months, she felt weightless and free. No uncertainties plagued her, no incessance on holding back and conforming to some strange, unwritten rules, as if this was a simple friendly competition between two rivals, trying to run track, as they used to so many times in the past.
As Gamo continued to speed up, her mind wandered to the first time she met Nagatoro, the first time they had met at her family's gym, and Hayase fully impressed her with her natural aptitude for Judo. The way Nagatoro seemed to constantly be on top of the world, always confident, ever one step ahead of the competition. That was until you took a deeper look and began to see the cracks taking form.
For years, Gamo had spent so much of her time supporting Hayase, backing her up in any and all undertakings, always trying to be the pillar to keep her steady when uncertainty reared its ugly head. Whenever Hayase was wavering, one quick step away from failure, Maki stepped in to right the wrongs and keep her on the course. It was only now that Gamo realized how ludicrous it had all been.
This whole time, every memory of them, felt as if Gamo had been there only for Nagatoro's benefit. Every laugh, every smile, shared between the two, seemed to be the result of Maki pushing Hayase ever forward. There was no give and take.
It was always taking with Hayase.
Well, now it was time for Gamo to take what she wanted.
The redhead slowed down, just a touch, allowing herself time to reach for her phone inside of her pocket. With admirable finesse, the woman quickly opened the camera app, finding the right overhead angle to take a picture of herself.
Something about this felt strangely intoxicating. It was no secret that Naoto was attracted to her, but taking pictures, exclusively for him to see, made her rather aware of it all over again. She giggled to herself, laughing at her own silly antics, and took a couple more shots, each one more provocative and daring than the last.
Once she was satisfied, she quickly sent them all to Naoto, before tossing the phone onto the passenger seat. A rather nasty blush spread on her face as she grinned inward.
This was only the beginning.
Nagatoro huffed as another bump on the tracks caused her to be uncomfortably flung against the wall beside her. Despite the discomfort and pain that was slowly building from the repeated pressure on the same spot, Hayase didn't feel like getting up and changing seats. The train was essentially devoid of other passengers, she would have had ample choice. Still, she remained in place, allowing the pain to pierce her.
With shaky hands in her lap, Nagatoro stared out the window, onto the clear, pitch-black night sky. The stars were twinkling beautifully, their gorgeous display drawing her in. Within the void surrounding them, threatening to swallow the bright lights whole, the woman swore she could see her own future, dissolving into an undiscernible mess.
It wasn't too long ago, when Nagatoro was elated to be told she may have a chance after all, to win over the heart of them man who enthralled her so long ago. A dream come true, Hayase had mentally readied herself to run head first into uncharted territory and redeem herself in the eyes of all that witnessed her. Most of all Naoto.
That was then.
Hayase pursed her lips tightly, her eyes watering as she looked back onto the events of the past couple of days. No, it was honestly more than that. It was long before that. There was a moment, so long ago, where she realized, it was all destined to end. And it was completely her fault.
Every time she thought that she could do something better, to mend the pain she had inflicted, she was cruelly and swiftly reminded of how much agony she had dished out. Each time she thought she had learned her lesson, they had all learned something and moved on with their lives, she was drawn back in.
When Naoto tried to throw himself in front of a train, right before her eyes, that's when she initially gave up. When she realized just how far his pain had gone, for the first time, she wanted to leave his life, to give him a chance to start again, without the baggage she provided.
Only for Naoto to rope her right back in, by giving her hope.
By writing that stupid song, most likely completely out of his mind while doing so, he reignited her passion, her desires, her need to be his one and only.
For that period of time, she allowed herself to forget what she had done.
No more.
Nagatoro considered all the good times they could have had. Should have had. Her and Naoto, sitting side by side, goofing off like the cute couple they would have undoubtedly made. Watching movies with him, wrapped up in blankets, heating each other in the middle of the night. The day that he would have the courage to wriggle his way into proposing to her, how handsome he would look in his suit, how much he would obviously cry, when he saw how gorgeous she would be in her dress. The light in his eyes, when he saw their first child. Followed by him immediately fainting.
From the small, little moments, to the grand and outstanding gestures, Nagatoro could clearly imagine their entirely life together, from beginning to end.
But with each happy vision, following all joyful fantasies, there were horrifying pieces of a play that would forever be burned into her mind. Pushed ever forward by her horrifying inner demons, Nagatoro watched herself mercilessly dig into Naoto, again and again, helpless to stop her past self.
The way he had felt, the way he had squirmed, the noises he had made, every single thing about that moment was with her for the remainder of her life. And she knew now, it was the one and only time she ever would be that intimate with Naoto.
And that understanding, that quiet acceptance, caused her to break into tears.
Gamo was right there. In Hayase's mind, her friend was far prettier, having grown into a wonderful, mature woman that would be able to take good care of Naoto in her stead. Hana herself, as out of left field as it was for all of them, showed that she was also willing to step up to the plate and provide for him in a way that Hayase felt she would never be able to.
For a misguided moment, she blamed Naoto for giving her hope, after she had already come to terms with giving him up once before. It almost felt like it was a petty attempt to get back at her for all she had done. Dangle that carrot before her, then rip it away at the last second. Again, and again. But she knew that wasn't like him. He'd never stoop so low.
Naoto was confused, uncertain. Never had he been able to experience a healthy relationship with a woman. This is all he knew. And amidst all the pain and loss he had experienced, he was desperately trying to hold onto what he knew, what he was comfortable with, even if it killed him internally.
And it was killing him.
She could just feel the negativity radiating from him last night, upon their return. There was so much pain in him. Something had happened at the school, and it didn't take her too many guesses to figure out what it was. After all, she was the primary destructive force throughout his life.
And just like before, it was Gamo who had been by his side when he needed someone the most. It was Maki who supported him in his time of vulnerability, even going so far as to shield Naoto from Nagatoro herself, whom she considered a threat at the time. And Hayase could see why. That's what hurt the most. That all of the wariness and precautions were justified. That if the tables were turned, and she and Gamo had switched roles, Hayase would have most likely already buried Maki in the ground.
What was Gamo thinking right now? How much rage must the redhead be filled with, considering that Hayase still stood in her way?
Did she still consider Hayase her friend? Were they still sisters?
Nagatoro clutched onto the sides of her head, as if hoping to keep the voices silent, her doubts suppressed.
Gamo had been her best friend for as long as she could remember. Naoto had been the person she loved more than anyone. They both deserved better than her. They both needed to be allowed to find peace and comfort in one another, without the shadow of her misdeeds looming over them.
Nagatoro looked down onto the palm of her hands and found them stained. The disgust she felt when she beheld herself was unmanageable. She felt diseased- No, it was more apt to say that she was the disease. The reflection staring back at her in the window beside her was warped and unrecognizable. It was as though another woman was looking right back at her. She looked rotten, scars and impurities all abound. Perhaps this is who she had always been. Maybe, what she thought she looked like, was just her insane mind playing tricks on her, her whole life.
Hayase blinked. And Nagatoro blinked back. This was her. This is who she had always been. Rotten to the core. Disturbed and broken on the inside. Unable to provide anyone with anything but pain.
And unhealthy, twisted smile spread on her face as she took a good, long look at herself, for what felt like the first time in her life.
This was all she had been. This is all she would ever be, if she were to remain within the confines of this game.
Hayase placed her hand on the window, predictably meeting Nagatoro's. The two of them glanced at their digits, one pristine and tanned. The other, charred and mangled.
Hayase blinked.
Nagatoro did not.
This was the moment she made her decision.
The moment their futures were all set to change, written in stone.