Ok, my review of COVID plus bronchitis is Zero out of Five stars, does not recommend. The edits to this chapter really excite me though. Reviews are love.
Refraction Case Four Part Six
"The Weight of Heavy Things"
"Our backs tell stories no books have the spine to carry." - Rupi Kaur (Women of Colour)
Mai laid in the spare bedroom at Ayako's apartment, listening to the woman's whispered argument with Bou-san….
"No, I will not bring her back!" Ayako hissed, words getting unintentionally louder.
"You lost her, Houshou. She was literally standing beside you guys and somehow you still lost her. You were all too busy arguing about her to notice she had even left..."
"There were four of you there yet no one saw anything? I hate to break it to you, but she's obviously not the problem..."
"I don't care what that jerk says. She's sleeping and I'm not waking her up. I'm about to head in for my shift anyway. If she wants to return later, I'll have my car service bring her…"
"No way in hell. Didn't you see the look on her face last night? I trusted her with you guys. I figured you and Naru at least would be enough to keep her safe!"
"Fight with Lin...how do you even fight with Lin? John and Naru? You're not making any sense. But if that's what happened, you tell our boss I'll bring her back when his damn guard dog apologizes!"
She heard the sound of Ayako's phone snapping shut, hard enough to echo.
Great, somehow she'd also ended up causing a fight between Ayako and Bou-san. What did that make her? 3 & 0? 4?
The door creaked open softly and Mai closed her eyes, pretending to still be asleep. She felt gentle fingers brush her bangs out of her face before quiet footsteps padded out of the room. A few moments later she heard a second door close.
She stared up at the ceiling, wishing her brain was as numb as the rest of her.
What was all that yesterday?
Her...Naru. Lin?
And John. Sweet, gentle John going toe to toe with Naru.
But was it all really just the work of the ghost? She knew it was amplifying people's emotions. It was obviously strong.
But how much of all that had really already been locked up inside of their hearts?
Lin's words haunted her. Had Naru really managed to avoid using his PK for the last three years? Each time he had used it previously, it had scared her to death. But she had begun to assume it was a risk that was always there, simmering beneath Naru's calm exterior. But to hear Lin tell it, the entire time Naru had been away from her, he had been...safe.
She was the trigger. If not the cathedral spirit's, then Naru's. His grief over Gene must run deeper than she'd realized, even four years later. That was why Lin was so worried. Because in the quiet of Ayako's empty apartment, she was able to see Lin's rudeness and antipathy for what it was-fear.
She got up eventually, wandering into the kitchen to make herself some tea. Ayako had left a note on the counter urging her to eat something when she woke, but even though she had spent the night enough times to be familiar with Ayako's kitchen, she didn't bother.
The thought of trying to eat was actually nauseating. At least her ankle seemed a little better. The urge to sob had finally abated, but she still felt undone by last nights fighting.
A business-like knock on the door had her steeling herself with a deep breath.
She stared down at the counter in consternation.
She'd made a second cup of tea without realizing she was doing it.
Company.
She should probably be embarrassed to open the door looking the way she did, Ayako's sleep top and pants were loose on her, but after yesterday it seemed a little silly to worry about her pajamas.
She opened the door warily.
Naru stood on the other side, looking strangely...unkempt.
Had she ever seen him so undone before?
Even his hair was mussed, and her fingers twitched with the urge to smooth it down.
There was an odd energy about him, a tension she didn't quite recognize, which was strange. She'd seen him in a variety of….less than ideal situations, if she was being politic. Though he wasn't unflappable, he didn't usually put off this type of anxiety either….
They stared at each other in weighted silence. Finally, unable to bear the weight of all the heavy things between them, she opened her mouth, no idea what to say-
But he beat her to it.
"I lost control of the situation."
She stared at him for an endless moment while Lin's accusations echoed in her ears.
"No shit." she replied finally, turning to lead him into the kitchen.
For someone so good at everything else, he really sucked at apologizing. Though honestly, he hadn't been as bad as Lin all those years ago.
She heard his breath catch the moment he saw the scar on her back.
Madoka hadn't told him, then.
She didn't particularly try to hide it, but it ran across her back in a way that meant most of her shirts covered it, so he must not have seen it before.
"What happened?" He touched it gently, startling her. She froze, and he pulled his fingers away a split second later.
"An accident?" He asked, and she wondered if he'd tried to read her. Could he get visions from people with his psychometry just like he could from objects?
No wonder he always avoided physical interaction.
"Ummm. Okay." She guessed they were heading down this particular segue by rail.
"Yasu and I were in a train wreck a little less than three years ago. He was hurt pretty badly. He got a deep cut on his leg and he nearly bled out. I got…..that." She made a rueful face as she gestured over her shoulder, and then shrugged.
"The glass broke wrong, apparently. It should have been safety glass, but I guess the train car we were in was older. It hadn't had all the safety updates yet. A lot of people in the car were killed, so really, I was lucky. I honestly didn't even feel it at the time. The paramedics had trouble getting to our car, and I was keeping pressure on Yasu's wound." She explained calmly, handing him his tea.
"Adrenaline's a good pain killer." She shrugged. It had happened years ago, just one more moment she'd survived.
Honestly, it wasn't even her worst memory.
"It runs next to your spine." He said, frowning a little. In her mind she again replayed his feather-light touch on her back, before she slammed her mental door on that train of thought before it wrecked, too.
"Hmmm." She agreed. "Ayako said a centimeter further over and I probably wouldn't have been able to move, much less help Yasu."
Actually, Ayako had said she probably would have been paralyzed from the shoulders down. She might have suffocated before ever managing to get back in her body.
She sat at the counter. He set her bags gently down. She hadn't even realized she left her school and overnight bags behind. She'd been exhausted, emotionally more than anything else. Ayako had pretty much led her around like a tired child.
She took a seat at the kitchen island, watching Naru warily. He leaned against the counter across from her, staring down, marshaling his thoughts.
"Yasu called last night." Naru said finally, holding his cup of tea without drinking it, a sure sign that he was troubled.
"He managed to do a little more research on the Ozawa siblings' mother. Anger issues, aggression, paranoia. Her husband had her locked in a mental hospital, possibly to stop her from harming the children. She eventually hung herself." He continued.
"So there is definitely a possibility that some sort of mental illness ran in the family, affecting both mother and son?" She tested the words out.
They felt right, but something still seemed off.
"It also seems likely that the spirit was manipulating the same emotions in us." Naru said finally.
Anger...
She thought of Naru's cold eyes.
Aggression...
John, the gentlest person she knew trying to pick a fight.
Paranoia...
Lin accusing her of trying to hurt Naru.
Could it really be so clear cut and simple?
She stared down into her tea cup. It seemed to fit, and yet it still felt just a little off...
"And the spirit I followed last night?" She asked finally.
"We think it's An. She's buried there, and may not have gotten past the trauma of her brother's suicide. We think she's the one who tried to force you and Masako to watch the caretaker die." He answered, watching her steadily.
So one ghost was reliving his death, and one was stuck being forced to watch it over and over again.
How horrible. She played with her spoon, swirling it around in her cup, anything to avoid his eyes.
"An was several years younger than her brother. He'd raised her after her mother passed. But in your dream, you mentioned….that he hit her." Naru continued.
She could tell he was picking his words with care, trying to say something without actually saying it.
"Do you believe that...the ghost was manipulating your emotions towards me, particularly? As some sort of stand-in for the ghost's sister?" She asked, frowning.
If that was the case, than at least her targeting wasn't personal, it was based purely on her sex and age. It wasn't impossible, since the suicides had also fit into a profile based on sex and age.
"It's possible." He allowed. "But I don't know everything that was said between everyone, so I don't have a way to really be certain."
She snorted softly. It was a clever way of not asking what he clearly wanted to know. He was verbally circling her like she was a frightened animal, wary of spooking her into flight.
She shifted uncomfortably, looking down again. It was harder to deny him anything when she was looking into his gaze.
"I'm not...I can't..." No matter how big of a jerk Lin had been to her, she had sensed real pain and concern in the man. Maybe he wouldn't have said those things to her otherwise.
He almost certainly wouldn't have said them the way they had come out.
But there was truth in his words, too.
It would be naive to ignore that fact. She was a stand-in in more than one way.
She was a trigger.
"The things…Lin said were personal." She said, finally. "And not entirely wrong. But if you want to know, you should ask him." The one thing she never doubted was Lin's loyalty to Naru. He'd helped to raise him, after all. Could she blame him for being worried for him?
Especially considering Gene was now gone.
"Did he hit you?" Naru asked, lowly, staring into his cup like it held the secrets of the universe.
Her jaw dropped, and she stood up without thinking. "No, no, of course not. Lin would never do that."
Yes, there had been a moment in the sanctuary where she had felt afraid, but that was likely the ghost's influence as well. But if Naru had suspected the ghost was reenacting its past, it was a reasonable fear, she supposed. No wonder he looked so...rattled.
He surprised her then by reaching out and wrapping a hand around her upper arm. He drew her towards him, forcing her to meet his gaze straight on.
"If he hit you…if you're scared of him, I need you to tell me." The command was gentle, but a command all the same.
He looked so earnest, as if he was determined to get her answer…but scared of it at the same time.
She bit her lip, shaking her head. "He didn't. He didn't hurt me. I'm not afraid of him." Her voice had gotten softer as they had drawn closer.
"I have never felt like I was in danger from anyone on the team." She reassured him again.
"Last night you were running like you were afraid of him." His voice was softer too, but no less intrepid.
She shook her head. "I was scared of something, Naru. Objects were flying around, everyone was angry. I panicked. I just…..I ran. Guess I'm not a very good ghost hunter after all. But it wasn't Lin's fault."
From the first moment she'd met Lin, he'd protected her even at risk to himself.
"No. You seldom have the good sense to run when you should. If something scares you like that, you run, just like you did last night. You run and you come and find me."
She stared at him wordlessly for a moment, heart thundering in her chest.
To break the tension, she stepped away, busying herself at the sink, turning on the water to rinse off the handful of dishes at the bottom.
"You know…", She made sure to keep her voice light. "You're kind of contradicting yourself. Last case you told me to stay put. Now you're telling me to run. What exactly is a girl to do? Especially since we know how impetuous I can be anyway."
The last part was tinged in self reproach even she could hear in her voice.
"Run when you're in danger. Wait when you're lost. It's not that complicated." His voice was even, but she could feel his gaze on her back.
She sighed. "It is, though, Naru. It really is. For all that you always talked about my "Animal instincts" we both know my instincts were garbage. I was a disaster as a teen, and I'm obviously not much better now."
She glared down at the sink, gripping the counter with her hands. "Look at what I did at the festival. Look at how I put everyone in danger on the mountain. My god, Naru. Some of the things I said to you years ago…"
She was still ashamed of how she had yelled at him during the case at Yasu's school.
She turned around, expecting him to be watching her. Nodding in agreement even.
But the look on his face was…something else.
"What?" She asked, confused and embarrassed.
He just watched her for a long moment, so long she thought he wasn't going to answer at all.
She sighed, turning back around, and maybe that was his cue.
Maybe neither one of them could bare their hearts face to face.
"Actually, I've always been fond of that part of you." He said.
She snorted, letting her head hang down as she closed her eyes in irritation. "Yes, that was the impression I had gathered over the years."
"I needed it." His next words surprised her. "I was living a lie, pretending to be someone I wasn't, pretending to have all the answers…But knowledge isn't always the same as knowing what to do with it. Just like the festival, Mai. They needed help, and I made the wrong call four years ago."
She shook her head. "You we're looking for Gene."
"I already knew Gene was dead, but I put my search for Gene ahead of people who needed help. And I probably would have done it more than I had if it wasn't for you. You were so honest, so certain of what was right and wrong."
She felt her cheeks flame. "I know what kind of trouble I was."
"You cared, about all the right things. Even if you had no idea of how to do the right thing, you still knew what needed to be done. And when I found myself questioning whether I was doing the right thing, I knew you wouldn't hesitate to tell me if I was getting it wrong. You were….my reassurance. You cared about the things that were supposed to matter. You made me care. You let me know whenever I strayed down the wrong path."
She turned back to face him, but she could do nothing but stare at him for a moment.
"You make me sound like a compass." She joked weakly, heart hammering in her chest again.
He shrugged. "It's not inaccurate. I'm not a compassionate person by nature. I lean into the logic. You balanced me out."
Gods, he made her sound like she had actually been important to the team them, like…like he really did trust her.
But why…..
Naru's afraid of heights, and all she seemed to do was fall down.
"Would you have left me on the mountain?" The words were a whisper.
"What?"
"On the mountain. If Ayako hadn't shown up. Keiji wasn't going to let me leave, not without a fight, and you know it. Yasu and Lin were in danger, but I still don't know…." She swallowed, marshaling her courage. "I don't know if you would have left me there, even to save the others."
He swallowed, looking away. "I don't know what I would have done, Mai. And it's over now regardless."
"Liar." She wasn't sure of his answer, but she knew one way or another that he did have one.
"I promised to wait for you, so you could go get help. Either you believed me, or you didn't."
"I always believe you." This answer came easily to him, and she looked at him uncertainly.
"If you believed me, that means you would have left me there, right? You were going to-"
"Leave my injured, hypothermic teammate on a mountain, in a typhoon, with a hysterical poltergeist targeting her?" He ran a hand through his hair agitatedly.
"No, Mai. I would not have left you. I would have carried you kicking and screaming down that mountain, and I wasn't very interested in Keiji's feelings about it either." His words were tight, frustration evident on his features.
She shook her head, dread pooling in her stomach. "Naru, you can't…we can't be like that. You can't protect one member of the team more than the others. How can we be a team if you don't trust me?"
"Trust had nothing to do with it, Mai. That decision had nothing to do with trust, and everything to do with logic. Logic dictated that I not give the spirit access to another victim. Logic dictated that you couldn't afford to be in that storm any longer. I had you with me. You were the sure bet, and I don't take dangerous chances with my team members."
"But Yasu and Lin-"
"Might have already been dead. Or rescued by Houshou and John. Either way, the only person I was able to save with any certainty was you. So no, Mai Taniyama, I would not have left you on that mountain."
She felt angry tears crest her cheeks. "I hate you sometimes."
He sighed. "That's probably the strongest evidence yet of your good instincts."
The thread of self-hate in that statement was enough to stop her cold, to tangle in her throat with all the hot, angry, damaging words that wanted to tumble out.
She wanted to cry, and she wanted to hit things, and she wanted everything to be different.
But this is what it was. She turned away again, forcing herself to breathe, letting herself calm down. Racking her brain for a way to break the silence-
"Are you mad at Ayako?" She asked, holding a nervous breath. She'd been so deep in her own head at that point the slap hadn't even registered, but it should have.
"I wouldn't dare." He said dryly, and she choked on a laugh, relief washing through her.
Ayako had protected Mai, and in a way, was it really different than Lin protecting Naru, especially with the ghost amplifying everyone's emotions. Since she knew Ayako had a heck of a right hook as well, she supposed Naru was lucky. The slap was her holding back.
"We're such a mess." She whispered. Her mind was whirling a thousand miles a minute, and she'd hated, she'd HATED his answer….
But hearing it had been wonderful, too.
Because she was so tired of being left behind.
But what did that make her if she liked that he would have saved her at the cost of the cost of the others. Yasu was her best friend!
"How is John?" She changed the subject again. She didn't have a choice, she was too tired of thinking in circles. And she had never seen aggression like that from John, and it had scared her as much as anything else last night, even though it hadn't been directed at her in particular.
"You tell me, Mai. You're everyone's secret keeper, it seems." He replied, watching her intently. She wondered how much of her thoughts were revealed on her face.
She bit her lip for a moment, before walking over to her bag. She hesitated for for a long moment before lifting the flap.
Clearly, some of these secrets were starting to hold the team back.
"I always take these with us on a job." She admitted, pulling out John's bible, rosary and a small vial of Holy Water. "Just... in case."
"The Priest who runs the orphanage we visited that Christmas is the one who gave them to me. He also told me everything I know about what happened. John's never volunteered anything, and I've honestly been too afraid to ask. He cut himself off from everyone else. I thought, if I pushed too hard, he might really disappear altogether." She laid the items on the counter.
"You were probably always aware of how special John must have been to be both a priest and an exorcist at so young an age. But shrine families are not uncommon here in Japan, just like Bou-san's, so I had no idea." Mai admitted, embarrassed by her ignorance.
"I was aware he must have an unusual set of circumstances." Naru allowed.
Mai kept her smile to herself. Naru didn't do 'humble' very often.
"Apparently, John comes from a large family, where several of the young men have gone into the priesthood quite early. Many are also exorcists, and they are often sent around the world to locations where the Church feels they might be needed." She explained, re-telling the story she herself had been told.
"About a year and a half ago, John accompanied an older Priest who he was quite familiar with to a prison to give Last Rites to a prisoner scheduled for execution." She paused. She'd had to look up what 'Last Rites' had even meant, but Naru just nodded, so she continued with her tale.
"I'm not sure if the other Priest was family, an uncle or cousin, perhaps...Anyway. The prisoner had killed three young boys before the police caught him. He'd claimed at his trial that he was innocent, that he'd been possessed, but obviously the court didn't believe him."
"Did John do an exorcism?" Naru asked, his voice carefully devoid of any emotion.
She nodded. "He didn't want the man to die possibly trapped with another soul still inside him."
She paused, trying to explain the next part as clearly as she could, but it was a hard to think about, much less share. John had kept all her secrets, after all.
"It went wrong?" Naru guessed gently.
"No." She whispered. "It went right. But while John's exorcisms can drive out a spirit without harming the host, it doesn't always drive an angry or upset spirit away."
"And an incompletely exorcised spirit is twice as dangerous." Naru said, turning to face out the window.
"Apparently, this spirit was clever. It had asked to be exorcised so a new host would come. It possessed the other priest John was with. John didn't realize it soon enough. The Priest went on to kill two alter boys before he was killed in an altercation with the police." She finished lowly, staring at her hands where they clasped her cup of now cold tea.
"And that's when he lost his faith?" Naru queried.
"I don't think he's ever lost his faith in the Church." She responded. "He lost his faith in himself. John….well. I guess you could say John left himself on the mountain."
There was a still silence between them for a moment.
"Thank you for telling me." Naru said finally.
"What will you do?" She asked. Without John, they couldn't do an exorcism.
"Bou-san will attempt to cleanse Hiro's spirit today. Hopefully, that will be enough to cleanse An's spirit as well. We'll write a report to the Church with our findings, and they will probably reclassify the deaths of Father Higerashi and the others as 'accidental'." Naru said. "That will be enough to allow them to be buried in sanctified ground, thereby hopefully ending things once and for all."
She nodded, taking her empty cup to the sink to wash it. She took Naru's as well when he brought it over.
He backed away a few feet before leaning against the counter. She could feel him studying her. She could almost feel his eyes tracing the scar on her back.
"It's not always your job to protect me, you know." She said, without turning to face him. "Honestly, it's probably an impossible job. I nearly died riding a train. My Mom died in a car accident. My Dad woke up one day with cancer. He died three months later. I see spirits, and they see me back. It's just…life. It's my life."
She turned around, shooting him a crooked smile. "It's not like anyone really gets out of it alive anyway."
"Knowing I have no control over something and living that reality are two separate things." He stated, eyes far away.
She nodded. "I know. But how can we work together otherwise?"
Lin was right. He might be unkind, but he was right. Trouble followed her. And Naru had already admitted he had trouble leaving her, even when it was for the best.
His jaw tightened, and he looked away for a moment. She could almost see his mental gymnastics, the restless, busy part of his mind weighing every twist and possibility.
"I need to know that you trust me, that my being there doesn't endanger everyone else. I need to know that I'm doing some good, or….I can't go back." She had to force the words around the tightness in her throat.
"Did Lin tell you that you were a problem?" She watched her intently.
She shook her head. "This isn't about Lin. This is about us. You and me. You, trusting me to do right thing. You being willing to accept that my job is dangerous but it's my job."
He walked over to the windows, looking down at the street below. Ayako's apartment faced a park, full of the trees she loved so much.
She watched the myriad emotions cross his face, quicksilver and ephemeral.
"Naru-"
"I'm willing to try." He interrupted her again, but she was nearly out of words anyway. "It's obvious to me, no matter what is said, that this team is being held together by you."
She wondered what it cost him to say that.
"You were right when you said I understand the dead better than the living. And until now, it hasn't mattered. But I feel that this team can close cases and save lives. We can do good, and advance the study of the supernatural so that someday people all over can get help. But….I am not someone who can manage this team by myself." Naru turned, staring at her steadily, and she blushed.
She knew how hard it was for Naru to admit he needed something or someone other than himself.
"Logic says you need me even though I'm a disaster waiting to happen, huh? Well, I guess I'd better go get dressed."
**************ghost hunt*******************************
She stood in the cemetery, staring down at An's gravestone.
Bou-san had performed his exorcism a while ago. He'd pronounced it a success, though without Masako there to verify, they had no way to be certain. They'd stick around one more night to see if any more activity flared up.
She looked up to see John watching her.
"Hey stranger." He said, a funny bit of slang she'd heard him use once in a while.
"I told Naru." She admitted, hoping he wouldn't be mad. She needed John on her side.
"Honestly, I figured you would." He smiled crookedly at her. "I'm actually kind of surprised you waited this long."
"Do you miss it?" She asked, holding her breath, hoping he wouldn't close up on her like he had so many times before.
"Yes." He answered without hesitation. "I miss the certainty of it. Of how sure I felt in myself. Of always knowing the right answer. But all this just reminds me that while priests are servants of God, they aren't infallible. I had just never seen the other side of it before. My entire life, I've known I wanted to go into the church. I've never wanted anything else, never doubted my future. I was sure. But God is infallible. I am not."
He sounded wistful.
She walked over, placing a hand on his arm. "You could go back..."
She knew his superiors were hoping for that very thing.
He nodded. "I could. But every time I imagine being a priest, all I see is my failure. I can't be successful at something like an exorcism if even I don't believe I can do it."
"You know." She said quietly. "When Ayako was in the hospital, I didn't have the faintest idea what to say. I'd racked my brain and everything I thought of sounded so...empty and trite. But you, you just...she woke up and you took her hand. And you broke her heart when you told her what the doctors had said. But you just kept holding her hand and you didn't need the empty words, John. You comforted her just by being you. You made it better. You always did. And whatever you believe, I don't think that's changed."
She smiled at him. "Whatever it is about you that makes things better, it's still there. I can see it, even when you can't. Maybe...belief isn't a given. Maybe it's a choice."
*********ghost hunt************
She wandered back over towards the van, trying to figure just what was bothering her. She'd been restless the whole afternoon. She was glad she had gotten the chance to finally, really talk to John. She hoped he listened.
But still.
Something felt off.
It certainly seemed like the guys were less angry and tense. Bou-san had apologized, throwing his arms around her so hard her spine had nearly cracked.
Even Lin had bowed stiffly, offering an apology for his actions.
She had apologized in turn, but she wasn't sure that things between them were truly settled.
Was that what was bothering her?
Their theories accounted for so much. The aggression, despair, even the paranoia.
But the more she thought about it, the more it seemed like, buried under all those other emotions was a thread of...maliciousness?
No, that wasn't quite it.
Revenge?
Closer, but still not right.
It was driving her nuts. She could almost taste it, like bitter coffee on her tongue. She wished she could take a quick nap. Perhaps on the astral plane she'd be able to tell if the spirits had actually departed. But she was far too keyed up to sleep...
Something was wrong, but she couldn't put her finger on it...
The Church grounds still held an aura of deep sadness to her, but at this point, perhaps it was her own experiences coloring her impressions?
She wished Masako or Ayako were there with her.
Would anger and paranoia be enough to make someone kill themself? Perhaps someone mentally ill. But an otherwise healthy person?
It seemed more likely that it would cause the people being affected to lash out at the ones around them, just as the guys had last night.
Yet even though they all had felt the influence of the spirit, all they had done was fight.
No one had tried to jump.
So why was there this feeling of dread curdling in her stomach?
"It's bothering you, too." Naru said from the church steps.
She looked up at him. "Yeah, But I don't know why."
They were missing something. Naru was frighteningly smart, even without the powers of a medium he could sense that the puzzle pieces weren't quite fitting.
"I feel like a sting pulled too tight." She admitted, shaking her head. She twisted her hands, pulling at her fingers.
He frowned. "I trust your instincts more than my own logic right now. I'll send an email to Ayako requesting she do a Tree Cleansing as soon as she can."
Mai nodded, wrapping her arms around herself.
What was wrong?
Suddenly, a piece of paper blew across the yard, catching against her shoe. She bent down to pick it up, freezing when she recognized it.
It was one of the personal wards of protection Ayako had made for everyone to carry with them.
"Naru, you're still carrying yours, aren't you?" She asked suddenly, her voice shaking as she held the paper out for him to see.
"Yes." He said, striding forward, grabbing it from her.
"I am, also." John said, walking up to join them.
Was it from the base?
No, it was too small to be one of the ones they had affixed to the walls in base...
Ice water flooded her veins and she dashed for the door, completely disregarding the pain in her ankle. Lin looked up from his computer, standing when he saw the look of panic on her face.
"What is it, Mai?"
"Bou-san!" She whispered, whipping around to run up the stairs. By now, they all knew exactly how to get to the parapet.
Without that charm, even a monk could be vulnerable to possession.
"He was walking through the upper floors." Lin called from behind her.
She didn't bother stopping at the second or even third floor, however.
They'd gotten it wrong.
People didn't commit suicide out of anger.
They did it out of despair.
Hiro had been the angry one, which meant-
It hadn't been Hiro killing the men.
It had been An, acting out her despair and avenging her brother's perceived mistreatment.
The bitter coffee flavor, that was sorrow.
An's sorrow, laced with vengeance.
She'd been forced to watch her brother die, living in despair at the thought of her brother's soul being stuck in limbo because of the Church's ruling. Perhaps she'd even been able to sense Hiro's trapt spirit. She might've continued to feel his rage and paranoia, seen it affect the parishioners around her.
They'd exorcised the wrong spirit.
The rooftop access had been blocked by police with several wooden boards nailed across it. As she neared the landing though, she could see where they'd already been wrenched off. One of the boards looked like it had blood on it.
She ran through the door without hesitation, nearly hurtling off the small balcony herself. Catching herself by one hand in the door frame, her breath froze in her chest.
The parapet was small, meant only for a maintenance worker or roofer to be able to perch momentarily or stow their gear. It had a low, iron railing on the outside, but it was clearly meant at decoration more than deterrent.
Bou-san had climbed over, and now perched unsteadily on the precipice, facing the setting sun.
"Bou-san!" She screamed.
Oh, kami-sama, please no...
He was so motionless, completely at the spirit's mercy, so unlike the lively man she knew so well.
It never even occurred to her to hesitate.
This was Bou-san, her protector and honorary big brother.
She ran to the railing, throwing her arms around the dazed man from behind.
"Bou-san snap out of it! You have to fight!" She screamed.
But she knew just how strong An's spirit was firsthand. She had driven the caretaker over this same balcony while holding both her and Masako in thrall.
The railing barely reached the top of her thighs. Bou-San was over six feet tall, she knew her weight wouldn't be enough to stop them from going over...
But what else could she do?
She braced her legs as best she could. She considered removing one hand from Bou-san's chest to grip the railing, but she knew she couldn't hold onto him with only one arm if he jumped.
How long would An hesitate? The caretaker had lingered at the edge for only a moment, it had seemed to her.
Or was Bou-san fighting back?
"Fight her, Bou-san! You can do this..." she whispered frantically, the words practically tripping over themselves as they tumbled past her lips.
"Please, please. Fight it... do it for me, for Ayako! You're strong enough, I know you are, please!"
Behind her, she could hear Lin gasp. She knew somehow without even looking that Naru was there also, but she couldn't think about him right now.
She had to focus on Bou-san.
"Mai!" Somehow Naru managed to say the word calmly, but she could feel the tension dripping from the single syllable. "You're not heavy enough to stop him, switch places with Lin."
It made sense, Lin was the only one of them with a build even slightly comparable to Bou-san, but it was a command she couldn't follow.
She knew, somehow she just knew that the moment she let go, in that one moment, Bou-San would lose his internal battle with the An.
"I can't!" She panted, terror making tears crawl down her cheeks. "He's fighting her."
"It's An's spirit." She heard Naru tell Lin.
"Mai, I need you to let go and go to Noll, okay? I can't exercise Bou-San with you holding on to him." It was the most emotion she'd ever heard in Lin's voice.
And in that moment she understood Lin so much better.
Because she could sense the rising tension behind her, even though she didn't dare move, even just to turn her head to look. The temperature had dropped so much she was shaking from it, and she didn't know if it was the ghost or Naru.
And she understood just how real Lin's concern for Naru was, because she knew without a doubt that if she and Bou-san went over that railing, in his guilt Naru would try to save them, and probably die for the effort.
She was dangerous to Naru.
She was the trigger.
Because she couldn't let go.
She knew, on that instinctual level Naru had identified years ago, that her arms around Bou-san were the only reason the ghost had not managed to make him tumble off the edge.
Just like she knew that Lin wasn't like John. Lin's exorcisms required altars and incense and preparation. He needed time.
He couldn't save Bou-san from this ghost and she couldn't let him go.
"Mai, you have to switch places with me." She knew Lin was trying to keep his voice as low as possible, worried about antagonizing the spirit.
"Let go, Mai!" Even Naru's voice sounded strained...she was so cold, and her ankle was throbbing-
And if Bou-san went over she was going too.
Because she couldn't lose anyone else. This family was broken and twisted, full of dents and cracks.
But it was hers.
"I got you." She whispered to Bou-san, leaning her forehead against his back. She knew in her heart the man could hear her, even though there was no physical reaction. Bou-San was as still and lifeless as a doll waiting for the wind to knock him out of her grasp. "It's okay. I'm here."
Because she had learned that, watching John that night at the hospital. Sometimes all you could do was be there for someone.
The tears were streaming down her face now and every muscle in her body was trembling. "I'm here."
"Mai." A new voice, and Mai's knees nearly sagged in relief.
Oh please-oh please-oh please-please please please be the help she'd been praying for.
"Mai, I'm going to exorcise Bou-san in a moment. It won't hurt him, but at the end, he'll probably pass out. When that happens, you won't be able to hold him up." John said the words quietly.
And now she had to put her money where her mouth was. She'd told John she had believed in him, after all.
"Okay." She whispered. "Okay..." Was she reassuring Bou-san, or just herself?
"How do we do this?" Her arms were starting to strain with effort.
"I'm grabbing his arm now." Lin calmly walked her through the intricate dance of trading places.
"Reach back with your far hand. Noll will grab your hand and pull you out of the way while I take your place." He instructed.
Still, she hesitated...
"Please trust me..." Lin said so lowly only she could hear it.
"Don't let go." She replied, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath.
Things moved almost too quickly after that.
Naru grabbed her arm so hard she thought it might pull out of its socket. He'd yanked her back hard, not stopping at the doorway, but pulling her back farther, inside the inner landing.
She knew he didn't want her to watch if something went wrong, if John's exorcism failed, but she fought back, desperate to know what was happening.
This wasn't a stranger, this was Bou-san...
But his arms were like steel around her and he sat abruptly, taking her with him as they tumbled to the wooden platform, a writhing tangle of arms and legs.
"No! Naru, NO!" She cried, beating her fists against his chest as she tried to turn around but he only pulled her tighter.
"Look at me!" He commanded, but she couldn't see anything but her own tears as she sobbed in fear, still trying to turn around.
Behind her, she could hear the familiar words of John's exorcism, but she was so afraid it wouldn't work...
What if, by letting go of Bou-san, she had sentenced him to die just like the caretaker had?
"You have to breathe, Mai." Naru said, gripping her face in both hands, forcing her to look at him. "Trust in John, and breathe. They need you to believe!"
"Whatever it is about you that makes things better, it's still there. I can see it, even when you can't…"
"I do.." she whispered raggedly.
She did believe in John, and she believed in Bou-san...
"I do believe in them." She bowed her head, sucking in jagged breaths, closing her eyes in order to listen better.
There was a shout, and the sound of John and Lin struggling, and fear-laced adrenaline shot through her again, nerves lighting up like electricity, but Naru didn't release her. He stared steadily over her head, though she could feel his tension, the way his own muscles were coiled, ready to spring to action.
Coming in here with her had meant giving up his own chance to help, she realized.
It hadn't simply been about her faith after all.
There was a heavy silence, before she heard John's breathless voice.
"Well, Mate. Good ta have ya back."
His accent had never sounded better.
She gasped, half collapsing against Naru as relief flooded her body, turning her bones to jello..
"Naru…"
He just shook his head, not quite ready to speak.
"Ayako's going to hit someone for this." she warned him.
"It's Lin's turn." He said without hesitation this time, and if her laughter sounded a little like tears he didn't mention it.