The Torment

The marvellous Saturday night gave way to a tormenting Sunday morning.

Fabrizio's snores in the bunk above were not the only thing that interrupted Jack's ability to settle down for the night and sleep. He should have been sleeping soundly on a night like tonight. As soundly as he usually slept beneath the stars. Under bridges. On rickety trains. He had never needed to be fully surrounded by the luxury of comfort to rest his head, but tonight, something was stopping him, or more than likely, it was someone who was stopping him.

The gentle hum of the engines below him should have helped to lull him to rest. But alas, not the. He was restless. Beyond that. Beyond anything that he had ever felt. Even in the aftermath of his parent's death, he hadn't felt such an inability to settle down and sleep. His mind had a brilliantly agonising way of ensuring he stayed awake, imagining every little detail of an event which made him feel as restless as hell.

After leaving Rose at the First-Class Entrance, uncountable hours before, he slowly made his way back to the loneliness of his bunk. As soon as he had left, it was as though the sun had shined its final rays. It was peculiar, having used to be alone for so long, feeling empty as though he was devout of anything other than living for the joy of her. That was the moment that he realised something else, something far deeper; he was falling for her.

The full pillow beneath his head might as well have been cold stone. Instead of being able to sit up to allow his head to calm, Jack couldn't without hitting his head upon the bunk above, so he slowly slipped his body out of bed, wearing just his undergarments and ignored the coldness of the room.

On the floor in the pitch black, he trampled upon the dinner suit that had started as a game and had now felt so damned real. His bottom sank to the floor, he leaned back against the bed, running his fingers across his forehead and through his hair before resting his head against his knees.

This was going to be bad.

The Swedes slept silently. Fabrizio would occasionally toss and turn before muttering something incomprehensible in Italian as he always did when he was drunk.

These had been the only fragments of his life for so long; art and travelling with Fabrizio. Opening his heart to the ways of the world, of submerging himself into new territory and that was exactly what he had expected to achieve tonight by attending dinner with Rose. This little game that had started so innocently, had grown into something that was beyond himself.

God, she had been achingly beautiful when descending those stairs. Perhaps that was an image which he would carry with him for the rest of his life. The way her eyes had gazed at him curiously. Taking her hand, like that of a gentleman and kissing it, had caused them both to laugh like children. He knew that was the piece of her life missing; fun, happiness, the ability to laugh and not be so serious all of the time.

She was treated like a beautiful songbird. Her song that she created with her laughter and voice charming the company, her feathers beautiful and well maintained only to be admired, never to be allowed outside her cage, to fly freely, even just once.

It was as though, and if she cracked her facade, then she would be punished for it. The dinner which he had attended was beyond rigid in its formalities. As though if one piece was removed then the whole illusion would shatter. He wished to shatter that and remove her from the endless parade of it all.

Rose was a playful creature; he had found out only by having a thorough conversation upon decks through this little game that they were playing, but as she had almost run back inside after dancing, it was clear to see that it became something else to Rose, too, something meaningful.

The game was over, if they were still playing, he certainly lost and wondered if she had too. Not like there was going to be a victor in the first place. It was just simple adolescent bantering fun.

Why did she wish to learn the ways of a man? Was it for her curiosity? Or because she wanted a distraction from her own life? So many questions were swimming in his head.

The folks in her world, Jack found, aside from Rose's mother and Cal, seemed to be tolerable. Patasant. They laughed with him at dinner, enjoying his stories and in particular, he had enjoyed Molly's eccentric side. Her storytelling had them all laughing, although some, he feared, were out of politeness. Perhaps, they had listened to his stories intrigued and out of politeness. Either way, he wasn't concerned for anything other than her.

It was when their eyes had met across the dinner table, where she had raised a glass of champagne ladders to his words, that he had decided to spend more time with her that evening. To show her the freedom that she needed to see and continue this little game…whatever it was.

They were two worlds apart. And somehow, tonight, they had encountered a taste of both together. He had wanted to reach into her heart and allow her to see just how others lived. How another world existed just decks below and just how they were carefree and fun. It wasn't about a person's image, or their stature, or a tragic competition of some kind.

It wasn't about monetary value but just a celebration.

It was with Rose that Jack had wanted to dance. To see her rigid nature fall away and become fluid there after witnessing her stiffly sitting with Cal, her every move perfected and precise.

It was quite an accomplishment. He had seen glimpses of her fire that afternoon, upon the decks as she had spoken to him of her dreams to become some sort of artist. As though she had something within her, urging the desire to express herself in some way. He wondered just how she had felt tonight, watching the crowds of people just be themselves and act in a way that she had probably never seen.

Jack had seen how resistant she had been to dance when he had offered his hand to her; he had felt her nerves as he had placed his palm on the flat of her back to pull her closer. He also saw the fear in her eyes, perhaps at being so close to another. Jack had dismissed it, for this was simply fear of the unknown. Fear of having never been in such a situation and thinking too much of everything. She was a deep thinker, perhaps just like him. But not in situations like this. She had to go with it ...and she had.

Dancing within his arms. Circling. Screaming. Clinging.

Jack had watched as a frightened, unyielding girl had been stripped of her insecurity and from it had emerged a woman. A woman who had smoked, taken back beer like no other he had seen, cussed with the rest of them and did not leave the party until the hours of the night had dissolved into the early morning. It was in those moments that he had decided that he wouldn't be able to turn away from her after having become dazzled beneath the starlight. Their eyes had met, the moment electrifying and once a shooting star had drawn them closer together, he never wished to be further apart. His heart pulled him closer to her, to close the small inches but of course, he could not have done that yet. However, Rose seemed to be thinking the same, and that was when she bolted.

Afraid. His calls after her had been unanswered and now, he was wilted on the floor of the bunk. He was on edge. Restless. Nervous. Thinking; always damn thinking. Thinking about her. Thinking of what could be. What could he have done? Could he have taken the liberty and kissed her there and then?

Just the night before, he was laid on a bench, smoking cigarettes and contemplating just what life held for him once he reached America and now, he found all he cared for was Rose. How much longer could she be suppressed? How much longer could she be kept in a cage? How long would she survive? Within her eyes, he had witnessed a strength. She had to be strong to live her life the way that she did, but that fire about her would soon turn to a glowing ember before completely burning out sometime soon. That day he never wanted to come. Never wished to witness.

Jack couldn't ask her to leave her fiancé. Leave her mother. Leave everything that she had ever known. That was something that only Rose could do. He couldn't be the one to save her. That could only be her choice. That was what he needed to make her see.

Closing his eyes, Jack exhaled out the stress which seemed to have built up there within his chest, making his heart twinge.

He was not a man who was able to settle; perhaps, that was why he was so happy to roam the world freely. So, sleep wouldn't come to him until he had seen her again.

Fabrizio snored again, and Jack opened his eyes to view pure blackness. Lifting his gaze to the porthole, it was a slightly lighter black, almost a grey and navy, and he slowly stood and walked toward it with bare feet, narrowly avoiding the sink area and glanced outwards at nothing but pure ocean. Still, Rose was within his mind. It had been that final moment, of realisation of clarity, that had changed the course of what he had felt. What he knew that she felt. The fact that she had raced away had confirmed that she was acknowledging it, too. It wasn't just that she felt alive. Felt less confined and more released. It was that barriers had been removed in such a short time. It seemed to be simple; he was in too deep with her, and he wouldn't be able to leave her alone to live in that world. Even if it tortured him, Jack would ensure that she was all right. He would jump into deep, freezing waters for her or with her if he had to.

Standing at the porthole, he felt how his stomach was still a riot of everything. Emotions rushed to him. But his hope was frail. He went to find a cigarette to smoke and emptied his tray of roll-ups before dawn as he rested his head once more, the smoke swirling around him.

As soon as the sun had started to show its rays, Jack had pulled himself from the bed in which he had simply stared at the above bunk all night.

Tommy slurped porridge loudly in the dining room, Fabrizio ate heartily, and Jack sat nursing his overwhelmed mind.

"She sure has you all in a tangle," Tommy grinned, "did our boyo see his bed last night at all?"

"Si," Fabrizio answered for him, "but he not lay in it for long. Up, down, up, down." He nodded his head for emphasis. "And smoking all night like a-chimney."

Jack threw a sharp glance to Fabrizio, as though trying to dispel his nonsense. "You snored louder than the ship's engine, how would you know?"

Fabrizio pulled a face in response to Jack, before going back to his breakfast.

"The lass can move," Tommy grinned above his coffee cup, "she sure puts you to shame."

"Stop it, Tommy."

"What? I like her fire and her spirit, she was interested in those topless women as much as me, Jackie, who is she and what has she done with our laddo?"

Jack remained silent for a moment, his mind elsewhere, contemplating just what type of conversation he could have with Rose. How could he get to see her alone?

"Come on! You can't just have women naked laid for you and not want to bloody touch them!" Tommy probed for more information, snapping Jack out of his brief reverie.

"I'm not answering that!"

"That's answer enough." Tommy went back to his porridge for a brief second, but still kept his curious eyes on Jack, amusement still flashing within his eyes.

"You look a-little–" Fabrizio rubbed the stubble growth upon his chin and yawned, "you look tired."

"Well with you all snoring and talking, I did not get much sleep."

"Are you sure it was these and not the lass, eh?" Tommy piped back up.

"Did ya at least gi' her a peck on't lips?"

Jack swiftly slapped Tommy's back and jumped up from the bench, he was not in the mood for the torment.

"No, no stay!" Tommy caught up with Jack, completely serious for a moment. "I'm sorry, I just care fo' ya, Jackie, and you ain't being yaself since you walked her back last night."

"She isn't happy," Jack stated, simply. "not in that world."

"They never are. But what can you offer her? A pint and riot in the pub?"

The truth was, he didn't quite know what he could offer. As a man who was usually so full of confidence, he seemed to lack something of it now.

Why was he so sure of what to say and yet, he had nothing to say at all.

"She isn't happy." Jack reiterated, simply, it seemed to be the only thing of which he could offer.

"Has she closed the door?"

Jack started to shake his head. "I think she's afraid."

"She knows her own mind and she's in another world, Jack. Forget her."

"I can't."

Despite Tommy's pleas, Jack knew that he was right in some ways; perhaps he did need to forget her.

"She is a goddess amongst us mortal men, she is!"

"It is not about that. She is trapped. They have got her trapped, and she needs to break free, before they break her spirit."

"You can't force her to leave 'er family."

"I know that."

"Or the man who put that whopper of a diamond on 'er fuckin' finger."

"Yeah, I know." Jack agreed calmly, exhaling out his stress and anger.

"So what are you going to do?"

"That is the thing, I just don't fuckin' know."

In a flash, Jack walked from the Third Class dining area in search of a quiet place to think, leaving behind his friends' calls for forgiveness.

Tommy had only tried to protect his friend's feelings but Jack would have none of it. He wore his heart on his sleeve and if that heart was going to ache afterward then so be it.

He needed to be honest with her. The trail of what he would say was strong in his mind, then. He found out her whereabouts but even being thrown from the church service had not deterred him. In fact, he had made him even more determined. The obstacles which were thrown at him would only make him more desperate to see her. She was so out of reach but he would reach out to her, he knew it.

He had to.

The truth was, she was caged up now more than ever. After seeing her stand between her mother and Cal in the service, completely oblivious to absolutely everything about her, it had become crystal clear that something had transpired. Her eyes were completely blank, drawn inwards, and she was losing her soul now, more than ever.

Lovejoy, the Hockley valet had approached him, offering monetary value in order to stay away from Rose; she felt even further away than before.

He could feel the adrenaline which had once kept him driven to the point of madness now turn to nerves. The truth was, he didn't fear doing the wrong thing for he knew he had to tell her just what he was feeling, but instead, he simply feared rejection. The ultimate question was; what could he possibly get out of this? She wouldn't run away with him, that was a stupid idiotic dream. He wanted to see her safe, that was the main goal. He wanted her to accept his help to escape the chains of the upper class.

The wait for her to reach him on the deck seemed to take forever. He tried to listen to her faint words but couldn't quite hear and turned his head ever so slightly. The group had stopped next to the nearby lifeboats. They must have been several feet away. Cal had clattered the lifeboat with his walking stick and quickly Jack whipped his head back around to glance out to sea; just days ago he would have been so absorbed in the view that nothing else would matter and now even the vastness of the beautiful ocean seemed dull in comparison to her.

"It's a waste of deck space as it is on an unsinkable ship." Cal led Ruth past Jack and further down the deck. He was unnoticed and he watched as Cal continued on, disappearing from view. Rose stood just behind him with Thomas Andrews. He squeezed his eyes closed to breathe through his nerves.

"Sleep soundly young, Rose, I have built a good ship…she is strong." Thomas Andrews led her forward. She seemed to dally for a moment. "Keep going aft, the next stop shall be the engine room."

Rose stayed behind for just a moment longer, a few steps away from Jack, allowing him time to spin around, and grab her arm.

In that small second, he thought he saw her eyes light up. Or was it pure shock to see him? He was afraid he had frightened her for a fleeting moment.

She hadn't known he had attempted to see her in church that morning. Her entire entourage had ensured that she wouldn't know, she would remain clueless and wrapped in cotton wool and now, he had stolen her away as though she was his to begin with.

"Come on." Jack whispered, completely calm now. Suddenly Rose whipped her head around. Cal and her mother were further down the deck towards the entrance. They hadn't even noticed her disappearance.

She allowed him to lead her through a door into the gymnasium.

"I need to talk to you."

After removing his hat, Jack followed her inside where she lingered next to the door for a moment, her nervous gaze in anything but him.

This would be the moment of truth.

The moment that someone's life was about to change.