The Iceberg
Feeling nausea rise again; Rose wished to argue that the beading of her dress was digging into her chest and shoulders like small tacks. The hairpins stabbed at her head. The corset squeezed at her as though it was a hand, coming round her mouth to cease the last breaths from her and still, within her fiance's eyes, she found the flames of desire burning frighteningly high like the flames of hell. Since the church service that morning, he seemed to have been in an excellent mood, taking liberties to compliment her at every turn. Feeling the need to express his gratitude for meeting her. Something untoward had transpired between him and her mother, she was sure of it. Dinner was going to be the most horrendous affair, and she still felt a shadow of her former self, with Jack still sat front and centre in her mind.
Rose truly had a way out, but one that was harder to accept than staying.
''We shall have a healthy son almost right away,'' Cal had decided before they left for dinner once they were alone with the exception of Trudy fettling with Rose's earrings.
''And if I shall not?''
''Then there are doctors on who shall inspect you immediately, but there are no reasons why we shall not have healthy children.'' Cal stroked at her hair, and she closed her eyes, not to relish the feel but to simply wish it away. ''I think that you shall enjoy children, perhaps three or four,'' Cal purred, ''once I have a son, or even two, then you can dote on as many daughters as you wish to have, my darling.''
A ludicrous laugh came to Rose, as she opened her eyes with a watery ring surrounded the green of her iris and then it fell. Cal watched within the mirror and examined her beauty. Of course he would think it was elation. It was the exact opposite. ''I sound to be a prized breeding sow now.''
''No. You are to be my wife soon. And you deserve your hearts desire and I deserve mine.'' Cal's voice tickled at her ear, his lips approached her cheeks and suddenly the nausea which had been surrounding her, swimming about within her stomach for two hours, was almost let loose upon her bedroom carpet, until she quickly found her way to the bathroom and cast up her accounts there.
Endlessly.
There didn't seem to be an end to it. It came in waves. Leaving her in a state of absolute fatigue. It was only a second before a cool hand was pressed to her forehead and she was swept upwards, away from the bathroom and then, she felt to slip into a state of extreme exhaustion. It didn't appear to be any different from the state in which she lived her daily life. There was very little life left within her. Little life which felt as though she needed to exist within. It was as though every single person seemed to look through her, as though she may as well be rejected from her current status and she would feel very little difference. Suffocation and depression had set in, and as Trudy came to almost scoop her from the bathroom floor, using all of her strength, Rose still felt completely hollow as though there was nothing left within her. Perhaps there wasn't. She had nothing left to give. Nothing to even say. Time seemed to stand still for the remainder of the length that Cal waited for her to be simply put back together like the sewed in seams of a dress and she was sent on her way to dinner, to sit and eat and chatter as though she was an actress playing the dutiful part once more. It was only once Cal had gone to the Smoking Room with his companions and her mother had retired rather early, that Rose had decided to stay later at the dinner table, barely listening to the chatter but it would be the only way in which she would find some peace; by consuming several glasses of champagne.
Walking back to her stateroom alone, the corridors seemed to be endless, with the carpet soft beneath her feet and she felt herself wishing to just lay down upon it, even to draw the slightest bit of comfort from the fabrics of it.
At the turning point, where large double doors exited out towards the Promenade Deck, Jack stood, weary and almost grey in colour with the stress of the day. Turning, she was right behind him with her hands by her side and his breathing ceased right there in his damned throat. And then, her facade cracked. She looked distraught. The watery ring which was cradled inside her inner eye shone beneath the landing lights and he was in such awe that it was painful to even draw a breath at any time.
"Oh, Rose." Jack almost couldn't bear it. And in two strides he was there and she was within his arms, her scent washed over him. Her hair tickled him. Her tears soaked into the fabrics of his shirt. Her lipstick smudged into the collar. He didn't give a damn. It was all for her. He would take a damned bullet for her to smile.
Rose leant forward towards Jack as he tried to manoeuvre without taking his eyes away.
"Come outside." Jack moved her towards the First Class exit, not removing his hands from across her shoulders. Without a further hesitation, he added. "What is it about?" Jack knew better than to ask. In fact, he almost wished to not know but knew that something had happened.
Trying to pull herself back to some kind of fullness, Rose laughed pitifully as she moved away from him. "My life has grown decidedly better since we parted ways this afternoon. Apparently I am to become a mother before the year is out… to a son,'' she laughed, bitterly.
The line between Jack's eyes deepened in concern. "What?"
Rose blinked for a moment, her heels clacked upon the wooden floor of the deck. Together, they lingered at the parting point of the evening before when Rose responded.
''I am not expecting a child.'' Expectantly, Rose looked toward him, and he seemed to be relieved, if not more concerned than before. "Do you really want to hear this?"
"Do you want to tell me?"
Rose never responded, instead she took small and tentative steps towards the rail and all Jack could do was follow. He always would. Perhaps she knew that. Perhaps she didn't. He didn't follow her this afternoon, but that was after she had requested for him to not, deeply.
Quietly, Jack made his way to settle himself against a lifeboat, his own posture slacking. He leant forwards towards her with his fingers entwined with his arms rested across the rail. He watched her, hoping that he didn't have too much expectancy within his eyes.
"Just tell me that it is not serious, please."
Rose lifted her gaze and then lowered it again before taking a large gulp of breath. His heart started to race then, despite the fact that she looked well…radiant. Albeit troubled.
"It is possible for my upcoming marriage." Rose told him, ''it is not an illness that I suffer from, fear not.''
"What?" Jack was beyond confused. "Are you ill? Sure you're not expecting–" he cut off there, perhaps the thought of it was too much.
Exhaling a sigh, she spoke into the silence. "My fiance should like to have a child before the year is out. I shall desire four once we are married, it has been decided for me before dinner.''
''Do you truly not matter to him?''
''I do matter, but not in the way that I want to. A wife is to matter truly when she has completed the itinerary given before the marriage.'' Rose leant backwards against the rail before her eyes settled upon Jack. ''I was going to come and find you earlier but I feel as though I am now under such constant scrutiny that one foot wrong may bring you trouble as well. I have no idea where I am meant to turn or what to do.''
Torn between hurting Cal first, or having to hear what was said, Jack went with his heart. Wasn't that always the thing to follow? Rose had become his very own beating heart.
Rose darted her tongue out to wet her lower lip, and Jack could sense her nerves. Sense that something difficult would be said and that whatever transpired from the result of it would alter the course of everything. That was what his heart told him.
''Rose?''
''I'm sorry for what I said earlier. I truly am. The truth is I wish that I could change my mind.'' Rose blurted out into silence.
''Then change it.''
''But I cannot. My sister cannot suffer how I do on a daily basis and marry a man that she does not love and I cannot ask that of her.''
Jack felt acid was inside his gut and it was painful to breathe for a minute.
''I know that you have no wish to hear this, so I shall spare you-''
''-spare nothing. If you want to say it then I can listen to you all night, Rose. I can take anything you have to say.''
Obviously not expecting Jack to be so eager, Rose sighed, her eyes leaving him to watch the beauty of the sea as she continued. ''You know when I met Cal, I thought that he may be the answer to our problems. Our father left us in serious debt when he passed away last year.''
As uncomfortable as such matters should have been to discuss, Jack wasn't as frayed at the edges as Rose seemed to have become. ''At what point does this make you a failure?''
Rose blinked several times, as though Jack's sincerity seemed to have stirred something within her.
''Well, I am the one that seemed to have been the one that attracted his attentions and my mother went along with it, spending the rest of what little money we did have on my cotillion and I made a match.'' Rose glanced downwards. ''He has been trying to invite me into his bed since the month after, perhaps as a way to trap me into the marriage, 'oh, what a scandal, a woman is intimate with a man before marriage, they must marry quickly.' Indeed.'' The way her cheeks simmered and glowed beneath her pale palette caused Jack to move quickly, easing himself towards her with both of her clammy hands taken within his and even though he shouldn't, he kissed each one of her knuckles before he took the time to look back to her curious eyes which were now watering.
''Quite a guy.'' A pitiful smile pulled at Jack's lips, before he recovered. ''So you need to marry him because your mother made a deal with him? That you'll give him an heir before the year is out in exchange for funds. It sounds like a transaction if nothing else. What if there is no heir that soon?''
Rose glanced at Jack, turning over the thought which had never entered her mind. ''Do you believe he had this list compiled with my mother beforehand? A list of my accomplishments and inadequacies beforehand?''
''I don't know what I think. I don't know what I should think but I know that it has taken the sunshine from your eyes, taken the fire from your spirit and left you empty.''
Rose moved quickly, her body quaking, and she discarded his hands there. Jack watched, not seeking her out as fast as he wished to, for fear of spooking her. ''Cal needs an heir.''
''It is all he wants.''
''He is dictated to by society, by this whole world in which we exist and he is crippling me, killing me because he thrives in it. I wanted to die the other night. I wanted-'' Rose stopped, and her eyes met Jack's who was still standing in the same spot. Her temper flared, her nostrils wide and then, as soon as she clapped her eyes onto him, there was something different. ''I wanted to die, Jack.''
With a tight jaw, Jack responded, ''but you lived for a reason.''
''For him? Truly is it only to be his wife? I am nothing to be desired, nothing to be wanted in such a carnal way but I am a woman and I shall not be twisted and contorted into a version of that wife my husband requires but I shall be the sister than Elizabeth deserves and shall provide the care that she requires without question but I only wish that I was allowed a small piece of happiness to call my own.''
It was as though a raw wound was suddenly poured with alcohol, rubbed in with salt and it kicked Jack towards her. He softened, and the urge to take her far away from the cruelty of this world lingered.
''I will love my children, but at what cost? They will be raised to become a stronger version of their father and for that I could only hope I am barren in order to spare anyone suffering from this any further. Do people truly not care for their offspring?'' She sobbed.
''Leave him, Rose.''
Rose ignored him in order to make her own point, onwards, as she was now in the midst of emptying out her entire mind.
''You should not punish yourself, Jack, it was not your fault that your brother drowned. You should not think of it that way and you should not have to feel as though you need to save someone else in order to deal with it.''
Jack watched the shadow change upon her face.
''Out of everything you said today, about how we are two pieces of a soul lost, how I wish to save you, the thing that makes the least sense is how you feel you can never be looked at as anything other than a wife, and I know that I shouldn't be stood here, a gambler, a drinker, nothing but a poor artist but if I had been him, or met you before him…'' Jack paused, before the situation grew to be too much, before he revealed the truth and feelings which no one else seemed to know. So he swallowed down the pain, before he could slowly unravel everything which he had kept about him within. ''If only…''
''I have known you for a mere couple of days and never have I known you to not wear your heart so openly upon your sleeve. Why stop now?''
''Because you're trapped. And you know that you can only save yourself.''
''You know how the world works.''
''Yes, but I am not an idiot. You've been a spoiled brat, you've been tucked away like a princess in a tower and now, if you even dare to leave then you would feel like you have failed your sister, too. You would be ruined as well.''
''Does it scare you?'' Rose prompted him to laugh.
''No, damnit, Rose, nothing scares me more than walking away and never seeing you again!''
Rose tried to breath, finding her lungs to work somehow, she broke through the thickness of the air. Jack's heart was just as wide open as her own.
''Then, stay.''
''And do what?'' Jack snapped. ''How can I stay here, with you, in this damned world and you seem not able to come into mine? There is no middle. One has to give and we both know that I am not a gentleman, and I am definitely not a rich man.''
Rose presented him with her back before she turned and shifted her gaze to meet his. It was darker than usual. Brooding. ''I didn't know you had such a temper.''
''Not a temper.'' He told her, calmly. ''And it's not at you.''
''Then why are you so rigid?'' Rose bit back, her eyes seemed to be distracted, ''Why are you trembling so much?''
Both stood, a mere metre apart, trying to read the fractions of change of each other's faces. It was new. Different. Terrifying. The entire situation was forgotten for a second or two as they both attempted to find clarity in the moment. It was too hard to even think straight. The truth was, Jack was a temptation, he was what she wanted, even where she wished to go with her life. What of Elizabeth? For a silly second, she simply had to forget and speak her truth, if only for that moment. She softened, her body sagging lightly.
''Can you remember that rollercoaster that you told me about? How it feels as though you're at the precipice about to fall and your stomach is threatening to falter?''
''Yeah.''
''I feel as though I am on that roller coaster, and more than anything I feel as though I am going to be thrust forward into the unknown.''
''But are you ready for it?''
Rose broke out into loud laughter. ''God, no, but I want to ride it. With you.''
The truth was, there couldn't be clarity in the moment because no part of it made sense. Couldn't make sense. The last few days had made no sense at all. Rose's life was suddenly changing before her very eyes and what little control over it that she did have, she was using to her own advantage and nothing else. Having been so used to another man having the upper hand over her; holding the reins, submerging her into the world in which Cal had, and then almost leaving her to drown within it, somehow she had made it to the surface and Jack was the only one to thank for it. In another way though, she was drowning within him…
Suddenly, the ship started to shudder. It was slight at first, but suddenly, it was enough to break their attention from the other and it was violent, and then ice was spewing across the decks endlessly from an unknown source. He heard an apparent scream, and he held out his hand towards the emptiness.
Jack could only watch in apparent awe as a great hulk of ice passed by the ship, crashing into the sides, creating a great shrieking wail. He turned to yell at Rose to get back but she was gone. Gone from the decks. Gone from his life.
He was alone, again.