Author's Note: So I've been binging the show for the first time. I watched several episodes when they were reruns growing up, but it ended when I was super little so I never saw every episode straight through. I will admit The All Nighter pretty much floored me. They never really let Angela react to it. I think the audience deserves a reaction and that's where I've been kind of stuck. My muse won't let me get past it without giving Angela something.

This is kind of a Dear Diary moment for her to try and explain why she was near tears at the end of one episode and then smiling and glittering in gold the next. I will probably keep one offing little scenarios until my mind tells me to stop. Heehee….

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We believe what we want to believe. This is true for everyone. It doesn't matter how much proof is presented, or how many people tell you that you are wrong about something. At the end of the day, you decide what you think is the truth and you will ultimately choose what you believe is the lie.

Religion, politics, philosophy, it all can be swayed by opinions and personal beliefs. And everyone, from the fool to the saint has a viewpoint from which they base their final standpoint on.

Matters of the heart is where the water is murkiest. Too often, a human will react solely off of an emotion about a subject. They blame the poor decisions on a vibe or a gut feeling. Both which can often be misinterpreted or even worse, simply over analyzed.

And fear is the worst of all. Fear forces man to make terrible decisions. From the dawn of time, to the present day, some of the most horrific situations man has ever faced can be traced back to simple misunderstandings and fear.

Depressing, right? Now I don't point out these things to invoke sympathy or justify poor behavior. I just want someone to understand why I could forgive someone who broke my heart the way he did. I need people to see that while what he did was horrific, it was also understandable.

Because while I consider him to be one the best men I've ever known, I can also admit that he was one of the cruelest. Some of the best moments in my life happened as a direct result of him just being there. And yet, on the flip side of the coin, some of the most painful and gut wrenching moments in my life happened for the very same reason. They happened because of him.

He didn't set out to become the villain in my story when he did. I honestly believe that the spontaneity that I'd always admired so much from him was the catalyst in the end.

Which is ironic. The reason my life was at a standstill was because of his overthinking, but the reason I was wounded by him was because of his spontaneity. Such a tangled web we weaved right.

And he did say he was sorry when he realized how badly he had hurt me. That should count for something. He immediately confessed that he did something he knew would tear us apart.

I know all this. It doesn't make it hurt any less though. Somehow, in the moment, it made everything feel so much worse. Because he said he didn't mean to break me. He essentially told me he loved me in Jamaica and that what we had was worth waiting for. And so I waited.

I waited even though I wanted him more than words could say. I waited even though I knew I wasn't getting any younger and the kids were getting older. I waited because I loved him and he asked me too.

And in the end it didn't matter. He asked me to wait, but he was the one who couldn't. So here I sit, wondering where to go next? We can't go back to Jamaica. That moment slipped through my fingers.But we've had moments since. Moments where I swear we were building toward something. Moments where I swore he felt the same way. And now I don't know what to think. Because he says he didn't mean to hurt me. And yet, it feels like my heart has been ripped from my chest, and nothing will ever hurt more than this. Worse yet, I can still hear him, hear him say he doesn't want me to feel badly about anything. I can still see the look in his eyes. Apologetic and remorseful. And I can still feel myself refusing to hate him, even though I have every right to.

What's killing me is that I don't know where I can safely retreat to and escape from it all. He lives in my house, he cooks meals for my family everyday, he is a father in every sense of the word to my son. Everyone here loves him, respects him. Myself included.

I hate everything about this situation because I know I can't stay angry with him. I think he knows it too. I know that deep down, I've already forgiven him. And not because what he did deserves forgiveness but because I love him too much to risk losing him.

I'm at an unfair advantage. I have no one. Logically I know that's not completely accurate. I have Jonathan, I have my mother. But I have no companion. Stupid me thought Tony was my companion. Even more devastating is that I don't even have a friend that I can run and vent to. Tony was supposed to be my best friend, he was supposed to be my love and the other half of my heart. And since he's the one who brought me to my current state of depression, who am I supposed to go to? I can't vent to Tony about Tony!

So here I am. I am devastated and I am alone. No real companions, no real friends. Just me and my thoughts, justifying the pain someone else has caused me. Forgiving someone so they won't walk away, like everyone else has before. I'd laugh at the whole thing if I didn't feel so pathetic.

Piece by piece I'll build myself back up. My pieces are jagged and they are fractured, but lo and behold all the pieces still fit. How long will it last? As long as I need it to. Just long enough for me to convince myself that I am doing the right thing.
I told him this is part of "our" journey. But really it's just part of mine. Because I am the one making the sacrifices so our family can stay together. So our kids (yes I said ours) won't feel any different. I am the one forcing myself to go out and socialize, entertaining men I have no interest in, just so I won't be left behind.

It's what I do.
I sacrifice so life won't stop for other people. Because I am dependable, and reliable. I just need a minute to breathe and build myself back up again. Piece by piece…