Erin's back had hit the floor with some force. She tried desperately not to cry as the tears prickled her eyes, she knew that would only make things worse. How could 7-year-olds be so mean? They had been picking on her ever since school began, there was no point in telling an adult because who would listen? No one at home cared, and the teachers never believed her because they didn't like her.
Just as she was debating whether to get up or stay there until they left, a hand reached out and took hers firmly, pulling her to her feet. It belonged to a young woman, who smiled at her kindly and then turned to the girls picking on her. Her face switched up instantly to quite threatening.
"Alright, you little shits, think you're big and hard? Touch her again and you've got me to answer to, do you hear me? Yeah, I know all your mums and all, so get the fuck out of here!"
Erin didn't know what to think as she watched the other girls scatter, clearly rattled. It was as though some of this woman's power had rubbed off onto her, as she suddenly felt infinite. This angel had swooped in and taught her how to fly, and now she wouldn't be scared to stand up to them again.
"Are you hurt?"
Erin shook her head. Her back did in fact hurt a little, but her saviour had been brave and now she wanted to be as well.
"Hmm, okay. I'm Sandy - you can call me Big Sandy, everyone does. What's your name?"
"Erin." She whispered.
"Erin... Erin Croft? Neil's girl?" Sandy asked.
Erin nodded, suddenly feeling embarrassed. If anyone knew her dad, it couldn't be a good thing.
"Yeah, I know your dad. Bit of a dick but always been alright with me. Are those girls mean to you a lot, Erin?"
She shuffled her feet, not really wanting to admit her weakness to Sandy. "Umm, yeah, a bit. They push me over sometimes or hit me. Sometimes they take my stuff. They don't really like me very much."
Sandy clucked, nodding her head slowly. "I see. Well we're friends now, right? So if you have any more trouble with them, you just let me know about it and I'll sort them out."
Friends. Erin liked the sound of that, she'd never really had a friend before. She told Sandy so.
"But... do you want to be my friend? Because, you're old."
Sandy laughed so loud that Erin thought she might burst. "Only getting younger, baby."
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"Sandy! SANDY!"
Erin burst through the doors of The Rat & Cutter, sweat dripping from her brow. She clutched at her throat which had become so dry when she ran, and tried desperately to catch her breath. The pounding of her heart seemed to sync with the music from the club. Just as she began to think it was hopeless, a woman in underwear appeared and looked perplexed to see her.
"You shouldn't be in here, sweetheart. Not for young eyes."
Erin shook her head furiously. She knew what The Rat & Cutter was, she didn't need to be patronised to. She just needed help.
"Big Sandy, where is she? I need her now!"
The woman gestured down the hallway to a changing room, and Erin charged off as fast as her feet could carry her. When she burst into the room, Sandy grinned at her but quickly frowned when noticing her state.
"Erin baby, what's wrong? Come on, sit down."
Erin burst into the tears she had been holding back. "No, no, no! I don't know what to do!"
Sandy took her by the shoulders, and started to guide her into breathing deeply. Erin felt some, but not all, of her panic drift away to be replaced by a deep sadness. "Now baby, nothing can be this bad."
"But it is, Sandy, it is!" Erin flopped herself down on a chair and wiped her eyes. "I... I'm dying."
"Dying? What do you mean?"
"I..." Erin looked around, even though she knew she had closed the door behind her, she still didn't want anyone overhearing. "It hurts so bad. I... I went to the toilet, and there was all this blood!"
Sandy's face became relieved at this lightbulb moment, then crumpled slightly at the realisation that Erin didn't understand.
"Baby, has no one spoken to you about this? Warned you about this?"
"About what?"
"Periods, love. It's something that happens to girls as they get a bit older."
Erin seemed lost and confused. She didn't need to answer for Sandy to know that no one had ever bothered to sit her down and discuss it. After all, who was there to tell her? Her mum was in prison, and Neil and Ronnie both barely knew what day it was, let alone how to speak to this young girl. Sandy knew she didn't really have friends either, there was a group of older boys that looked out for her at school but this wouldn't exactly be on their list of talking topics. She sighed, and launched into an explanation that she hoped was good enough.
After she finished, Erin looked disturbed but understanding. "So... I'm not dying."
Sandy smiled. "No, baby. You're not dying."
"I have a question then. How do I make it stop hurting?"
Sandy wrapped an arm around her, feeling very protective. "If only anyone knew."
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Detention was the last place Erin wanted to be. She had gotten used to being judged, especially by teachers who thought she was just some piece of shit from a scummy family, and it rarely bothered her anymore. If they wanted to believe that she had started that fight for no reason, they could go right ahead. It didn't matter to her if they thought she was some violent thug. They could punish her all they liked, because punishment is only so if you know you're in the wrong, and she would never concede to that. Honestly, she didn't think she would even mind being sat here in detention - if it weren't for the fact that Stephanie was here too.
It had been a cruel trick of fate, that they had ended up here together. Stephanie hadn't been punished for the fight too, oh no - she was here for missed homework. They would never have tarnished the name of a girl from the good side of town with a label of aggression, in their eyes she was simply never capable of such behaviour. Of course, todays incident couldn't possibly have been caused by a build up of years of torment, and then a triggering shove down the stairs. It had to be that Erin had tripped, felt embarrassed, and turned to lash out at the first person she could lay her hands on.
She was about to start writing the lines she had been handed, when the door to the hall burst open and a large figure came through. She raised her eyebrows at the sight of Sandy, who walked straight past her to the teachers desk, and slammed her hands down on it.
"Erin Croft, she'll be leaving now."
"Uh, excuse me?"
"You heard me very clearly. She will be leaving now." She glanced back at Erin, giving her a gesture to get her things together. "If I ever catch any of you lot trying to pin anything on her again, I'll be back down here making you wish you'd took a job at Morrisons."
"Sorry, what are we trying to pin on her? She smashed another student into a wall, there were plenty of witnesses."
"Aye, and there was one who saw what happened before that. Vinnie told me he saw that girl shove her, quite in keeping with the years of bullying she's been putting our Erin through."
The teacher shook her head at the word 'bullying', proving the disbelief that came along with Erin. "Vin-Vincent O'Neill, you mean? Well, he's hardly one to believe, is he?"
Erin knew the teacher had said the wrong thing. Dismissing both her and Vinnie had highlighted the prejudice, and if there was one thing Big Sandy didn't stand for it was that, regardless of who it was towards. Erin watched for the vein in Sandy's forehead that she knew twitched when she became livid, and there it was.
"And why's that, then? You believe this girls stories about being innocent, when I've seen her be violent with my own eyes - yet you don't believe Erin and Vinnie. I wonder why, what do they have in common? Could it be anything to do with the fact that they both come from fucked up families, hmm? Well, I'm their family now." Sandy straightened up, and the sight was pretty intimidating. "So if I ever find out this girl has gotten away with giving Erin shit again, I'm coming for you personally."
She waved Erin over, then pointed directly at Stephanie. "And you, you little shit. Come anywhere near my baby again, and I'll rip your tits off."
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"Well? If you don't tell us who we can call, it will be the police."
Erin didn't have to think for very long, and gave them the information they needed. They wanted a responsible adult to speak to, so that they could read them the riot act. She knew instantly that they had to call Sandy, she was the only responsible adult she had, and she knew that when she arrived she would have her back. Her reluctance to hand the name and number over, however, had been because she dreaded making Sandy disappointed in her.
For once, Erin had actually done the thing she was being accused of. Sandy had always taught her to be proud of who she was and defend herself, but how could she be proud when she had done something she shouldn't? That pride came from being the good kid Sandy believed her to be, and now she had broken that. She had broken Sandy's trust.
Since the moment she had been dragged into the back room, Erin had been loudly proclaiming her innocence. Even when they had searched her bag, and found the CD, she protested that she had intended to pay for it - she'd simply put it in there to leave her hands free to search through the others, or didn't they want her to buy more from them? It wasn't true, of course. Vinnie would be having a birthday in a few days and she'd wanted him to have a gift, especially since his dad would be too drunk to remember. She just couldn't afford it.
When Sandy arrived, she behaved appropriately and listened to the shop managers story. Finally, she said "Did she actually leave this shop?"
"Well, no." The manager stated, looking uncomfortable. "That's why we called you instead of the police. Didn't want to waste their time when we had actually prevented the crime from taking place."
"I see." Sandy nodded, crossing her arms. "So you have no evidence that her version of events is a lie, and that she didn't intend to pay for it."
"Well-"
"No no, that wasn't a question."
Erin felt triumphant. It was hard not to with Big Sandy by your side. She knew now that she wouldn't be the subject of anyone's wrath, Sandy included. She felt even better when Sandy handed over the cash, took the CD and Erin's arm, and paraded her out of the shop. Only as they rounded a corner did it start to feel more like a frogmarch, and the anxiety returned.
"You know I was stealing it, don't you?"
"Of course I know. Wasn't born yesterday."
"Are you disappointed in me?"
Sandy stopped, looking at Erin in confusion. "Why should I be disappointed in you? Haven't let me down. Everyone messes up sometime. You think I've never nicked anything before?"
Erin hadn't considered this, particularly the part about everybody messing up. She guessed they did, but had decided in her own head that if it was her she deserved some sort of punishment. She told Sandy this.
"Baby, that's because all you've ever known is being punished instead of being given a chance. That being said, you know better, so do better. In future if you need anything, you come and ask me. Promise?"
Erin smiled gratefully. "I promise."
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Vinnie poked his head around the door, looking apprehensive.
"Don't be cross, okay?"
"That depends if you're going to give me a reason to be." Erin muttered, but then heard familiar heavy footsteps on the stairs and growled at him. He looked terrified to step into his own bedroom, and waited for Big Sandy to go ahead of him.
Sandy looked like she wanted to yell, but she didn't. Instead, she took a deep breath and said "You've done well with that, Vinnie."
Vinnie half-smiled. "I get into enough scrapes, you pick it up."
For the first time since getting there, Erin really looked at her arms. He'd left some of the cuts uncovered, sparkling dots of blood spilling from them, so she reasoned that those he had covered must have been pretty bad. She remembered that on arriving she'd felt weak. She didn't remember the journey there, or why she'd thought to do so, or even the act itself. But she knew what she had done.
It had been a good idea, going there. When Vinnie had answered the door and seen the state of her he looked shocked, but not horrified. He had ushered her inside, wrapped her arms in towels and given her a sugary tea, before getting to work on cleaning her up. He hadn't asked her any questions about it, but kept her talking about his mates. At least, she thought it had been a good idea until he grassed her up. She couldn't bear the thought of all the questions that were about to come her way.
"Vinnie love, I could murder a cuppa."
"Oh, right, yeah." Vinnie took the hint, and left them to it.
"I don't remember doing it." Erin said, as soon as he left the room.
Sandy simply nodded. Erin waited for her to say something, but it seemed those questions weren't going to come. Now that it was going the other way, she thinks she would have preferred it.
"I remember how I was feeling, and I remember seeing the razor. I just don't remember actually doing it. Obviously I did, but I don't remember anything until I got here and Vinnie let me in."
They sat in silence for a moment, before in a soft voice Sandy asked, "Can you tell me how you were feeling?"
Erin cringed, this was the closest she'd ever been to a therapy session and it felt very awkward. It was reminiscent of meetings she'd had with social workers, and she was never very fond of those. She had to remind herself that this was Sandy, the person who had protected her and cared for her since she was seven years old.
"Pointless. Disgusting."
"Vinnie said it might be something to do with a boy?"
"It wasn't because of him." Erin sighed. "Yeah, he tricked me. Made me think he liked me but it was a joke. He told me in front of everyone how ugly I am." She saw the vein twitching in Sandy's forehead. "You don't have to get all furious about it. Vinnie and the lads beat him up on the spot, he's paid for it. I'm not even bothered about him, I didn't like him all that much."
"Yet you've taken his words to heart."
"Because what if he's right? No one has ever liked me. None of the boys. Even the girls have always hated me, since we were little. There's nothing special about me."
Sandy was quiet. Erin wondered whether it was because she agreed, and therefore couldn't think of an argument against it.
"You know, last week, me and Kath went to that new Italian place. I couldn't decide if I wanted pizza or pasta, so I ordered both."
Erin gave a weak smile. She always loved Sandy's stories, even if now wasn't the best time for one. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. It wasn't like I could swipe any of Kath's pizza, she gets olives on it and I hate them. So, it had to be done. There I was delicately shifting between the two until I thought, fuck it, so I piled the pasta onto the pizza as a topping and shoved it in my gob."
Erin laughed. "You did not!"
"I bloody did. It was the best thing I've ever eaten. Funny really, no one ever thinks to put pasta on pizza, and they're missing out. I guess it's because there is no right and wrong, good or bad - we just decide that in our own minds. And if the world is telling you one thing is bad and wrong, we tend to believe it. We will find the flaws in the way we look based on what everyone is telling us we should be, when really, there is no flaw at all."
Now Erin understood the point of the story, and it wasn't one she could disagree with.
"It never would have happened if it hadn't been for Kath and her olives. Honestly, they make me heave. But she loves them! So who the hell am I to tell her she can't have them on her pizza? It's okay that we like different things. Everyone does."
So nothing is ugly until we name it as such, and what's attractive to one may not be to another. They were nice platitudes, but how far did they really go? Erin was almost mad at herself for the niggling feeling that she still wanted to be called beautiful.
"But really, I suppose you want to know if they were actually good. They were, I'd dipped into them both before I'd had my idea. Absolutely quality. Erin, you're gorgeous, in so many ways. But yes, if you need to know if you fit this idealised picture of beauty - you do. You're practically the poster girl. And you have no idea if boys like you, to be honest it's a bit arrogant of you to assume you do."
Erin had to laugh at that. Trust Sandy to give some wonderful affirming message and then tell her off at the end. "You don't know either. They might not do."
"Oh, I can think of one."
"Who?"
Sandy gave her a withering look. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe a boy who always looks out for you and protects you, defends you against shitty people. Brings you in to clean up your blood and risks being shouted at by calling for help, because he wants the best for you?"
"Vinnie?!" Erin scoffed. "Don't be ridiculous."
"Who's being ridiculous?" Vinnie asked, as he brought in Sandy's tea. "What have I done now?"
"Nothing." Erin muttered, beginning to blush. "Thanks, by the way. For this."
Vinnie smiled sweetly, and Erin wondered if Sandy may have had a point.
"On that note," Sandy took on a stern look. "I don't want you using this as a pain relief ever again. Either of you." She took Vinnie by the chin, raising an eyebrow at him. "Both of you have had it pretty tough, and there will be more tough times to come. But you find me, and you let me take that load. Is that understood?"
They both nodded, knowing how serious she was.
"You're lucky, you know. You have each other. Because I won't be around forever, and when I'm gone you'll need someone. We are a family, so we lean on each other. Always."
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Vinnie watched in awe as people filed through the door. He just knew that most of these people had never even heard of Erin, let alone know her well. How Big Sandy had rallied them all together was beyond him, but it probably shouldn't be, she had a way of making anything happen that she so wished. Besides, they were probably all a little bit terrified of her.
He didn't enjoy being around this many people. He found it hard enough to be around his friends sometimes, so a packed pub was a little too much for him. However, it was Erin's 18th birthday, so he would do whatever he could to make sure it was brilliant - especially after Big Sandy had done so much to organise it.
As well as all of the people that had suddenly materialised, she had taken her time to think about the details. There was a huge buffet table filled with all of Erin's favourite foods. Vinnie laughed as he spotted the pies, remembering all their chippy teas in the park. Decorations adorned the place in blue, her favourite colour. Rather than the battered old CD player they had settled on for his 18th, a DJ had set up in the corner with a specially curated list of music - the fact Sandy said he 'owed her a favour' had probably swung it. Kath had lined the bars with cocktails so bubblegum pink that they made Vinnie's eyes hurt. There was even a large pile of gifts in the corner that Ash had been roped into guarding. Yes, Sandy had definitely done them proud.
"I don't know what all the fuss is about." Ash had said to him. "Sure, couldn't we have just taken her out to get pissed?"
"Ashley, love..." Vinnie had replied. "What did you get for your 8th birthday?"
Ash's face had lit up. "Ohh! I got a whole hockey set, played with Mick for hours until Mammy made us come in. That was a good present."
"Yeah? Well for her 8th birthday, Erin got some surprise guests... bailiffs turned up and took their TV, and Neil hadn't bothered to buy any food so she went hungry for the day."
Ash's face sunk. "I didn't even think of that."
"Well, there you go. We are her family, it's our job to give her a bloody good birthday."
Vinnie remembered this conversation as he busied himself with rearranging some fallen balloons. He'd long considered Erin to be a part of his self-made family, but ever since the day she had hurt herself and Sandy had given them both a talking to, he felt they were responsible for each other in a way. Really, he was doing very little to give her this day, Sandy had done all the work, he just had to show up.
When Erin did arrive and took everything and everyone in, Vinnie caught her hold back tears. For a moment he panicked, his protection of her blinding what was really going on. It took him a few moments to realise that they were actually tears of happiness. After making her way across the room, she found the lads and hugged them all, thanking them for the surprise.
"We'd love to take the credit, especially if you're dishing out hugs." Dylan laughed. "But it was really Big Sandy who did it all."
Erin's eyes travelled around until they found Sandy, attempting to be inconspicuous as though she'd had nothing to do with it. She smiled and shook her head gently. "Of course she did. Well, I love you all for being here anyway."
It was later, watching Erin dance and spill her cocktail in laughter that Vinnie wondered just how Sandy did it. She'd found both of them while they were young and broken, and taken them under her wing. She'd made someone with a heart full of pain unable to hold back their inexplicable joy. That was quite an achievement, and one he was sure not many other people in the world could ever be capable of.
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The darkness was a safety net for Erin. She could cry, ugly-cry as much as she wanted and no one could see or hear her. That's why she had waited until closing time to sneak into the cellar of The Crow's Nest, for everyone to leave and Kath to go up to bed, so that she had a safe place to do this. The shock had kept her together earlier on, helped her to maintain a demeanour of normalcy in front of others so that they wouldn't know her secret. Her only slight regret about choosing the cellar was the cold, which rather than biting at her seemed to slowly seep into her skin and bones.
As she thought this however, the cold seemed to ebb away, as though a warm wind poured into the room. Unfortunately for her, this was accompanied fairly quickly by an explosion of light, and she turned to find Sandy with her hand upon the switch and surveying her with concern. She didn't say anything, but closed the door behind her and plodded down the steps, taking her perch on the bottom one beside Erin.
"How did you know I was here?" Erin asked. With reflection, she added "Stupid question. You always know where I am."
Sandy laughed. "And I will always know. There's no getting away from me, that's part of the promise I made to myself about you all those years ago."
She took Erin's hand, knowing better than to just charge in and ask what was wrong. They sat in comfortable silence for a moment before Erin stood and began to pace the room, then approached the subject with a question of her own.
"Why did you make that promise with yourself? When you met me, why did you care?"
"Are you looking for compliments, or the truth?" She quirked an eyebrow at her, which made Erin laugh.
"The truth, please."
"Hmm. Well I saw this young girl who was hurt. People were attacking her and, when I found out more, I realised that in fact her whole world was attacking her. I'd love to say it's because you were special, baby, but that wouldn't be the truth. Not then, anyway. It's because you were a human being. My conscience would never have let me walk away from an innocent person who was hurting. I might not have been able to fix everything for you, but if I could give you something good - someone to be there for you - then I'd done something. So that's what I've tried to do, and I've loved you every step of the way."
Erin pondered this, realising how much sense it made. She couldn't say for sure, but she didn't know how likely it was that she would have survived if she hadn't at least had Sandy to pick up the pieces.
"Even though you couldn't make things perfect, you knew you could give me something?"
"Pretty much." At this, Erin resumed crying so hard that she almost collapsed, and gripped a shelf to avoid falling. It wasn't necessary, as Sandy shot up from her seat and held her up, allowing Erin to bawl into her shoulder. It seemed to go on for an eternity before she lowered Erin back to the step. "Baby, tell me what all this is about."
"That. Baby. I'm... I'm pregnant." Erin gasped, the first time of saying those words out loud taking her breath away. She waited for shocked exclamations, but none came. Instead, when she turned her head to Sandy she found a face of understanding.
"I know." On receiving a confused look, she continued. "You've been drinking orange juice all night. Biting your nails. You've been spaced out of every conversation and had this horror in your eyes. Also, that faint smell of sick."
Erin sighed, and rubbed her face with her hands. "Fucking great. I hope you were the only one who noticed."
Sandy closed her eyes, and bit her lip. Normally she wouldn't pry too far without invitation, but another observation was clawing it's way out of her.
"You also seemed to be staring at Vinnie, a lot. You seemed scared, almost. Would I be right in thinking he's the father?"
"Oh god!" Erin moaned. "Is there anything you don't know?"
"You have to tell him, baby."
"I can't!" Erin cried. "Not for me, Sandy. For him. You know him as well as I do - okay, maybe not that well - but you know what his head is like! This will mess him up, it's too much pressure for him. And we're family, you said so, we have to look after each other. I won't be responsible for breaking his head even more, just because I've decided to keep his baby."
Sandy nodded, understanding even if she didn't necessarily agree. "So you've decided to keep it, then?"
"I... I didn't realise I had. But... yeah, I guess so. Oh shit, Sandy. How am I going to do this? I know what you said, I can't make everything perfect. But how do I even cope on my own? What about when I'm being shit, what if this baby doesn't meet anyone like you?"
Sandy laughed gently. "Meet anyone like me? Why should they need to? They already have me." Seeing the realisation dawn on Erin's face, Sandy wrapped an arm around her and squeezed. "What did you just say? We are a family. We have got this, together. When you need help, or a break, I will be there. This family is strong, I won't ever let it break."
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"Fucking hell. Do we know who? The father, like?" Vinnie felt a sense of unease. Lately, he'd been having dreams about Erin - dreams he'd never had before, or at least not quite as intense. They had started that morning that he'd woken up in her bed. He'd panicked at the time, but she'd told him that absolutely nothing had happened, they had just fallen asleep drunk. He had believed her. He wasn't so sure anymore.
"Nah." Ash answered him. "She told Carol it was some guy she was seeing, but they broke it off and he left before she found out."
"I don't remember any guy. Well how far gone is she?" Vinnie was glad that Dylan asked the question, he needed an answer but if he asked too much himself it would look suspicious.
"About 12 weeks. That's why she was getting the scan."
The maths came quickly to Vinnie, and he breathed what he hoped was an inaudible sigh of relief. If she got pregnant 12 weeks ago, that was 3 weeks after their night together. Maybe that's why she had seemed so dismissive and not made a big deal out of things, if she was already seeing someone then she wouldn't have wanted him finding out about them sharing a bed and it causing trouble, especially if said night was completely innocent. Or, she might not have been seeing anyone then, maybe it was after and it was some brief fling.
"I c-c-can't b-b-believe Erin's gunna have a b-b-baby." Cardi uttered what they were all thinking.
"It's a mental idea though, is it not?"
"I wouldn't say mental, Tommo. She's not daft is Erin, I'm sure she'll make it work somehow."
While Tommo was clearly rendered speechless, Dylan took a different approach. "Course Vin, but how? I mean, it's gunna be hard, will she even be okay? Why hasn't she told us anything?"
"Uh, why do you think, Dylan?" Tommo gestured his arms, looking bemused. "Cause she knew we'd tell her its a stupid idea! She can't have a baby, has it crossed your mind at all that our dear Erin has precisely zero examples of what parenting is? It's not just about learning to change their shitty nappies and breastfeeding, is it? She'll have to learn how to actually raise the bloody parasite, how to be responsible!"
"Oh, really?" The lads all froze at the arrival of Big Sandy, gulping down their arrogance to be replaced by fear and shame, more so when they spotted Erin lean out from behind her with a hurt look on her face. "And what the fuck would you know about any of those things, Thomas?"
"Uh... about, uh... breastfeeding?"
Sandy rolled her eyes. "No, stupid boy. About responsibility. About personal growth. About bravery in doing something that terrifies you."
"I think you'll find, actually love, that I know a lot about the last one, thank you very much. Bloke comes into the dungeon last week-"
"I don't care about your bloody dungeon!" Tommo was silenced, knowing when he'd tipped the scales of Sandy's anger and that should he continue, he was likely to leave no longer in possession of his testicles. "You listen to me, boys, and you listen good. This girl is perfectly capable of being the best mum there is, you just see if she isn't. With a heart and a brain like hers, she can do absolutely anything she wants, especially looking after a little life. You should be congratulating her, not standing around here tearing her down."
Every single one of them felt ashamed. Erin was a part of them, and on hearing the news instead of rushing to be a part of it with her they had focused on getting together to discuss her failings. They all clamoured to make their apology, but Dylan was the first to gets his words out straight.
"Erin, we're so sorry. Sandy's right, we were just worried but we were more bothered by our own feelings than making you a priority. Can you forgive us?"
Erin just stared blankly at the floor. She had known so much betrayal and rejection in her life that she barely reacted anymore, although having it come from her lads stung more than before. She found herself incapable of answering him back, so she was glad that Sandy had always been able to read her mind and be her voice.
"You want forgiveness?" She asked the group as a whole. They all nodded, looking suitably upset that they had hurt their friend. "You earn it. We are a family. You are the people that are supposed to have her back when everyone else is talking shit about her, not partaking in it yourselves. I don't care what your excuses are. And because we are a family, we will carry her through this, do you hear me? Whenever she's exhausted or doesn't know what to do. You. Step. In. That starts now, get her a seat you bunch of dickheads."
As they all shuffled around to make sure she had a stool with a comfortable back support, Erin smiled a little and was grateful for the first time in a while. Maybe if they all wanted to help, things would actually be okay.
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Sandy smirked, knowing that she had done something to make angels out of this group of young men. Well, as close to angels as they could get. Dirty wings and a broken halo, but still able to fly.
"Well? What do you think?" Vinnie gestured around the house, clearly proud of his efforts.
"You've done well, boys, very well." Sandy gazed around at the items around the previously empty house, and it warmed her heart. While she didn't doubt for a second that the lads had come by these things through less than legitimate means, doing it on their own initiative proved their hearts were in the right place and she had managed to influence them positively in some way. "Especially to think you've done this without being prompted."
Vinnie shuffled his feet, suddenly looking embarrassed. Despite their family bond, his good deeds were rarely recognised and still made him uncomfortable. "Well, y'know, it's nothing really. We just wanted it to be nice for Erin, for the baby when it comes like."
Sandy nodded. "I had exactly the same idea... just in a different way. So maybe you lot can help me?" She gestured back to the front door, and the group followed to find tubs of paint, and several storage boxes filled with decor - photo frames, candles, trinkets. Their mentality synced as they all silently agreed to take part in making the house into a home.
Later, as Vinnie unfurled a fluffy rug and laid it out, he paused to stroke it and smiled painfully.
"You alright, love?" Sandy asked, spotting his expression as she slotted photos into frames.
"Hmm, yeah. It's just, the rug. How did you know to get this one?"
"I didn't." Sandy answered. "I just thought it was the nicest one. What do you mean?"
Vinnie sighed. "She told me she wanted a fluffy rug. Years ago, I mean. I said her feet were cold, and she said they always were so she never noticed anymore. Because her dads house was cold, and there was no carpet, so it was just normal. And she said when she was older and had her own place, she dreamed that even if she didn't have much, she would have a fluffy rug."
"I see. Well, at least we've made one dream come true then, haven't we?"
"You mean you have. It's always you. I don't know how you do it Sandy, but you always know how to fix everything for Erin."
Sandy placed down the photo frame she was holding, and leaned forward so that only Vinnie could hear her.
"I wish that was true. But I can't fix everything, I wish I could, just like I wish I could for you. The only way I've been able to deal with that over the years is telling myself that if I do a little, I'm making both of your worlds a slightly better place. Because that's more than nothing. She does it for you too, in ways you don't even realise, she saves you. So even if we can't fix everything for her, if we can make her little corner of the world somewhere safe and cosy, that is what we will do."
Vinnie realised how right she was when some time later, Erin waddled through the door following her round bump, burst into tears and whispered "My home."
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"No!"
"No what?"
"You know exactly what, baby."
Erin grinned, always entertained by the woman before her. Even on something simple as an outing for lunch, she managed to be as parental as possible.
After all these years, asking Big Sandy what she meant was always an exercise in deceit. Erin always knew exactly what she meant, so if she asked for unneeded clarification it was simply an opportunity for Sandy to change her mind, not that she ever did. However, Erin had hoped that currently holding baby Tyler would soften Sandy, and encourage her to flirt back with the man who had served their drinks. He was, after all, very cute.
"Come on, it's not like there's anything wrong with him, it's you. No man will ever be good enough for me in your eyes." she smirked.
"That's not true, not no man... just, most of them." Sandy laughed, which made Erin laugh too.
"Don't you think that narrows my chances down? Not that I'm looking," She leaned over, tickling her son under the chin as he laid in Sandy's arms. "This little guy is the only man I really need."
"That depends, not if you're looking in the right places." Sandy mused. "Been spending a lot of time with Dylan recently, haven't you?"
Erin furrowed her brow, suddenly self-conscious. "How do you always know what I'm up to?"
"I know everything, baby."
"Yeah, well, that's just Dylan, isn't it? We've been friends for years."
"Of course you have." Sandy peered at her. "But you're starting to like being around him more."
Erin paused, not out of secrecy but but because she'd never really thought about it before. After what happened with Vinnie, she had made a rule to never allow to much thought to go into her friendships for fear of ruining them. "I... I guess so. He's just, oh I dunno, not quite as insane as the other lads. He doesn't need an adrenaline kick all the time. When I was pregnant, and now that Tyler is here, I'd rather just do the things that normal people do, have a night with a takeaway in front of the TV. It's not that the others won't do that, but Dylan doesn't seem to mind as much. Seems more up for it."
"Mmm, yes that does sound like him. Probably helps that he's got quite the thing for you too."
"Oh, he does not!" Erin scoffed.
"Oh, yes he does. He always has. He's a good boy, that's the direction you should be looking in."
The cute waiter came back with their lunches, but Erin wasn't so interested in flirting again. She just stared at Sandy, trying to absorb what she had just heard.
"How could you possibly know that?"
"I told you baby, I know everything."
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Erin hurried to shove the papers under her jumper. As she turned from the kitchen table, she let out a sigh of relief.
"Oh, it's you."
"Nice welcome." Sandy scoffed. "Huh, haven't seen that expression in a while."
"What expression?"
"The one you had when you tried to nick that CD. The 'I've been caught doing something' expression."
"I don't have an expression." Erin acted innocent. "I just thought you were Dylan, that's all."
"Right. Is that why you hid something up your jumper, didn't want him to see it?" Sandy raised an eyebrow at her, clearly disapproving. Erin knew she had to show her the papers, confess what was going on. Sandy could read her like a book, so there was no point in hiding it - besides, if she thought Erin was doing something to hurt Dylan or behind his back, she would never hear the end of the reprimands.
"It's not what you think." At the disbelieving look, she pulled the papers out of her clothing. "It's really not. Here, look."
Sandy surveyed the papers she had been handed, and Erin watched her expression shift from distrust, to surprise, to glee.
"Application form for college? Baby, are you going to college?"
"I'm just thinking about it." Erin stood to boil the kettle, chastising herself for being caught and cutting short to chance to mope about it.
"Well, what is there to think about? Why wouldn't you?"
The anxiety Erin had been holding began to spill out of her, becoming animated as she paced the kitchen. "Because, what if I can't do it? I wasn't even all that good at school. If I couldn't do it then, how the fuck am I supposed to do it now?"
Sandy softened. She hadn't needed to comfort Erin's inferiority complex in a while, not since she had found out she was pregnant with Tyler. Becoming a mother had given her great power, but now she seemed to be running away from a spotlight.
"And what if you're great? You never know until you try. I'm so proud of you for even thinking about this, and I know you can do it. You've got a big brain in there. School was different, you were battling so much but things have changed now. You're stronger, smarter, more resilient. And you have so many of us to support you. You have Dylan now."
Erin stiffened. "Yeah, I have Dylan. Another reason I probably shouldn't do it. You know how smart he is, I don't want him thinking it's pathetic - or even worse, building it up and patronising me. He'll be giving me gold stars for writing the date on something. Just because I'm not as clever as him."
"No he won't. He isn't like that, and you know it. And who the hell decides which of you is the most clever? I'd be willing to bet it's the one of you who didn't get stuck in a bouncy castle trying to rob a toy shop the other week."
Erin smiled. "Maybe. Oh Sandy, I just wanted to do something good for myself, for Tyler. I want to, I want to give him a better life than what I had here. That's probably going to mean leaving here, eventually."
She waited for the look of disapproval or heartbreak from Sandy, but neither came. They never did in the moments that Erin expected them the most.
"If that is what you have to do, then you run as far as your legs will take you, baby. I'll only ever be a call away. In fact, I might come with you, live in your garden."
As they both laughed, a singular tear escaped Erin and rolled off her chin.
"Tyler deserves the best life. That's why I'm thinking about this, so that maybe I can get a good job and get us out of here. But that's Tyler. Things are different for me, I'm just a girl off the estate. I don't know if I can reach where I need to be, for him."
Sandy took Erin's hands into hers, a forever sign that what was about to leave her mouth was something that should be taken as gospel.
"Nothing is out of your reach, do you hear me? I have every faith in you. You can do absolutely anything you want to."
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The blades of grass tickled Erin's ankles, and she paused to ponder the joyful jolt it had sent through her. When she was a child, she had been running bare legged through a field and the grass had felt like knives, slashing at her shins and trying to take chunks out of her. She wondered when that feeling had changed, how it had changed - and how it was happening now, when every fibre of her being should be feeling an empty sadness.
As she stepped inside, the room felt slightly colder than outside. She wasn't surprised by this, simply fascinated by how tempted she was to ping the bell more than once. However, she decided against tempting any wrath and graced it with a single tap, waiting patiently.
After a few moments, Gary stepped out from behind a curtain, saw her face and nodded curtly. He silently beckoned her to follow him, and led her to another room.
"Thanks, Gary."
He nodded. "I'll just be through there, should you need anything." With that, he left her alone.
Erin held the side of the coffin, and had to persuade herself to look inside. Sandy looked better than the last time she had seen her, when they had to move her body from the floor. She almost didn't look real, as though she were a very convincing waxwork.
"Alright, you? Vin sends his love."
Erin wasn't sure what had made her say that. Maybe it was her way of making this easier, to pretend she could still hear her. That there was still a living soul inside there. She wasn't dead, she was just having a nap.
"I was supposed to be the one leaving, you know. It's pretty rude that you would steal my thunder like that."
The sarcasm definitely made it easier. Their way of communicating, Erin as a pouty teenager and Sandy as the non-judgemental force, silently hearing her but also portraying a 'watch your mouth' vibe.
"Listen, if you're gunna bugger off like this then there's some things I have to say to you, okay? I've listened to you babble on my whole life, so now you can shut up and listen to me."
The silent Sandy complied.
"I want you to know - no, I need you to know - that I am not the sever-year-old Erin Croft that you met. Everything about me, and about my life, has changed. That's because of you. I'm blessed now, I have more than I ever thought I would."
That was true. Her strength in bearing through and standing up to people, her pride in herself - those were things Sandy had fed. Her honesty and determination to put good into the world - Sandy had taught her those. All of her joyous moments, her home, her education - None of them would have been possible without Sandy. And her family, her real family, not the one she had been saddled with at birth. Tyler, and the boys - Sandy had cultivated that.
"Do you have any idea how much of a hero you are to me? Everything that has ever happened to me since I met you, you've tackled straight away and made me stronger, pulled me through all of it. I don't know where I'd be without you. And I don't know why you decided to love me, but I'm so glad you did. I've been the luckiest person ever to have you and your love."
Erin wasn't sure when the tears had started to fall, but as they splashed onto Sandy from above, she realised she had said everything she needed to. Well, almost everything.
"Thankyou, baby. Thankyou for everything. You can go now. I love you forever."