CH 13 - OPEN YOUR HEART (WITH A CROWBAR)
[S1X15 POWER OF MADONNA. Prob not gonna be the only time this eps appears in this fic, just sayin'... But to get'er started, let's consider a slightly different way the entire eps could've played out after a particular hallway scene featuring a lonely lovelorn Quarterback and a certain Spicy scheming Latina. There were MAJOR ball drops thru this whole eps, not to mention a NUMBER of missing scenes and blanks to be filled before anyone sang Like a Virgin, so I have been self-appointed to do just that. =)
I may have tweaked around the timeline of events just a SMIDGE to fit this narrative, so while it's canon, it's also FICTION, and I ask you to let it go ;)
Also there's a potential CRACKFIC WARNING on this chapter. I admit to going a little off the rails bc Finn just gets a little cray sometimes and takes me there... HOPE YOU ENJOY IT ANYWAY!]
. . . . .
". . . Look, Finn, it's high time you lost the big V. Everything about you screams virgin. You're about as sexy as a Cabbage Patch Kid. It's exhausting to look at you."
If this was her idea of an Indecent Proposal, she totally NAILED it; she's being pretty damned indecent... or at least I think she is... but what's a Cabbage Patch Kid? If they're anything like Sour Patches you'd think they must be pretty awesome since their names are almost the same – except cabbage is kinda gross and it's coming from Santana Lopez, so it had to be some kind of an insult, right? Gotta remember to Ask Jeeves about Cabbage Patches later. But right now I gotta get outta this weird and totally uncomfortable conversation with my junk still attached.
Actually, he's kinda shaking in his Nikes and trying to seem all cool and together and not like he's ready to piss his pants or something.
At Mr Schue's urging he went looking for his inner rockstar a week ago and THAT GUY? the one who sang that bitchin' Doors' song? Yeah, he'd be totally smooth about this bizarrely scary proposition from Satan, so he does his best to slow his roll and channel his inner Morrison now.
"Well, look, I appreciate the offer, but I have feelings for someone else and I'm trying to work things out with her, so–"
"Who, Rachel? She's dating that Jesse kid from Vocal Adrenaline."
The fuck you say.
"No she's not!" Okay so much for playing it cool.
This girl just LIES. Like. That's ALL she knows how to do – lie. And scheme. And insult people– she's super good at that one. And at looking really hot while doing it, but... okay, there was this entire series on the Discovery channel Rachel made us watch together about all these scary critters in the Amazon rainforest that can kill you. They said the most beautiful creatures were usually the deadliest. Like the poison dart frog for example or all these rad looking carnivorous plants like a Venus flytrap... they're all made to dazzle you with their good looks or whatever, but it's all just a trick to lure you in so they can eat your face off or something. (Do you know about the PRAYING MANTIS? You should totally check that out if you don't – especially if you're a dude!)
And okay, I've never been to the Amazon rainforest, but I've seen some cool looking rattlesnakes. I mean not in Ohio but like on TV. True, snakes freak me out (it's not very manly to admit that so please don't mention it; it just creeps me out the way they can move like that without legs) and they're kinda cool to look at but I sure as hell wouldn't wanna like, cuddle with one or do anything remotely sexy that would let it near my junk – not that I'd do weird sexy things with snakes because, y'know, SNAKES. And not that cuddling is sexy either... well, I mean it COULD be. Rachel used to make cuddling pretty sexy back when she used to hang out with me all the time and we'd watch cool shows like that one about poison dart frogs and–
Crap, Satan's still squirting her snake venom at me, I should probably be listening. Or running away. (but on TV they said it's bad to run from rattlesnakes 'cause that's when they strike. Looking at Santana right now I gotta think Rachel was right: it was a very educational and informative TV show.)
"Please. You can smell it on her. She's like a cat in heat." Huh. Cats get hot? Probably all that fur...maybe I should pay more attention to Brittany when she talks about Lord Tubbyass. Or Blubberton. Or whatever the hell her cat's name is. "She talked about him yesterday and practically sprayed the choir room." Wait, Rachel wouldn't spray anyone with anything...but if she did, it would probably smell awesome. Like berries. Shit, I should really be paying better attention, she seems like she's not joking. "So, come on. Let's do the deed. It'll be great for my image, and Sue will promote me to head cheerleader. It's a win-win."
But WHOA hold up– Did she just say we should DO THE DEED?! As in do THE deed...with a rattlesnake? ? ? Ummm...
This seems like a test. Yeah. Like one of those deals where no matter which option I pick, I get a snake bite and my junk goes all gangrene and falls off or something. Or I get shot in the eye with poison from one of those cute colorful little Amazon tree frogs. Maybe Puck put her up to this? She just said something about a win-win so who else is playing besides her? 'Cause I sure never get the WIN.
"Wait... Wha-what do I get out of it?"
Fair question to ask, right? I didn't ask enough questions last time and all I got at the end of the night was an empty bank account and a pissed off Breadstix waitress. She wasn't even gonna seat me the next time I went, asking if I was expecting any 'female companions' to join me. I had to apologize to Vera and promise to leave her a HUGE tip to get my all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner that night.
"I don't know, you get to have sex and make Rachel jealous?... I meant for me, okay? It's win-win for me."
Yeah, that sounds more like it. It's always about HER. But do I wanna play games with Rachel like that? I already screwed up enough with her by now, so NO, I really don't.
And I don't believe Snaketana Lopez anyway. If she was more like that friendly Burmese Python in Harry Potter maybe I could trust her better, but I already got zapped by a Queen Cobra once over the baby thing, so now I know that speaking parceltongue is a pretty handy skill to have.
"I'll think about it."
The Cheerio sashayed away down the hall like the Queen of McKinley and he sighed.
Why does shit like this keep happening to HIM? They say they love you then they cheat and get knocked up by your best friend. They like you when you're not ready to like them back, then when you are, they're dating other jackasses and won't give you the time of day. And the ones you wanna avoid like toxic mold are all up in your grill trying to take your V card. Girls are so confusing.
He digs out his phone to see if he had any new texts from Rachel. He's not sure why he bothered checking; she hasn't texted him since he went off to find Jim Morrison like a total dumbass a couple weeks ago.
She used to send him her new MySpace videos and cute little pictures and videos of kittens playing with balls of yarn and dancing parrots that talk and he didn't think he'd miss seeing stupid girly shit like that from her, but he does. She even sent him a couple Avengers and Star Wars memes just 'cause she knows he likes those movies. And it was kinda cool that she just did things like that because it meant she was thinking about him at random times of the day.
But she's not texting him anymore, so she must not be thinking about him anymore either. Maybe St Buttwad's getting all the funny dogs on skateboards and first previews of her MySpace videos now. And he sounds like such a stick-up-his-ass kinda douche (like, he's from Carmel so he has to be, right?) he probably wouldn't even laugh at them.
If Santana sent him stuff it would probably be like, pictures of roadkill or dead skunks, or the Michelin Man tire dude. Or like fat dudes at a hotdog eating contest or something that would surely tie to an insult about his body image or personal hygiene.
But no. Santana couldn't be right. Rachel told him she cut the TOOL from Carmel loose. And Rachel's like, the most honest, honorable person he knows and he's almost a hundred percent sure she'd never lie to him. She looks at him like he's a rockstar – or well, she used to, until he said those DUMB STUPID 8 words to her a week ago. Idiot.
Just then he heard Rachel's voice and musical magical laughter coming from the choir room, so he marched right in there. He decided to go find out the truth straight from the horse's mouth (not that she's a horse... or that anything's wrong with her mouth... you know what he means).
. . . . .
"Look, please just don't tell anyone..."
Unbelievable! Un-be-LIE-vable!
So he confronted her and she confirmed it – she's still seeing Jesse. Snaketana was right.
Now Rachel's got those big brown pleading Bambi eyes turned on him like a spotlight and he feels himself just melting to her will, but... She lied to him! She looked him straight in the face just a couple days ago and LIED! She said she dumped the DOUCHE for the sake of the team, and that she also couldn't date HIM for the sake of the team, to avoid DRAMA. Rachel Berry wanted to avoid drama. He shoulda thrown a penalty flag on that play right there.
Why? Why would she do that?
"We may not be together the way that Jesse and I are, but we can still be friends. I'm asking you as my friend to trust me."
TRUST? UGH! How can he look into those brown eyes ever again without wondering what other crap she's hiding from him?
She just, she just kinda used up his already half-empty fragile bucket of trust, y'know? The one that still has a big ol' Quinn-and-Puck-sized HOLE in the bottom of it. The one he just patched up with the coolest Rachel Berry taffy, and it's still a little leaky 'cause he's FINN and he's a dude, and arts 'n crafts aren't really his thing at all, but they're RACHEL'S thing so he allowed her to like, patch the hole up... but then she just freaking pulls the pin out of a grenade and drops it in his leaky bucket heart!
Dammit! Girls SUCK!
Love SUCKS!
And y'know what else sucks? Being a friggin' VIRGIN.
Being a damn star-spangled bona fide STUD quarterback and still carrying around a Big V membership card.
Maybe Santana – rattlesnake though she may be – had a point.
And maybe, as long as it was just the two of them this time, and there's no talk about gay fish or weird cats or crappy spaghetti, maybe he could get a little more glue for that cracked and crumbling leaky-bucket heart of his. Not the kind that's all gooey and lovey and taffy-like Rachel, but the kind that's like, hot and sticky and tarry – like the stuff they patch potholes with in the road. Yep. Maybe this is just what he needs, exactly when he needs it for a change. Some fresh pothole patch to fix the bumps in his road.
He's feeling so proud of himself for being such a stud with the metaphors all of a sudden, but then he's sitting in the auditorium watching Rachel and the rest of the Glee girls dancing around on stage in hot Madonna lingerie and then he remembers why he even knows what a metaphor is (and that they're important), and the grenade explodes in his leaky bucket heart.
Dammit.
. . . . .
Finn put his hurt and disappointment over losing another chance with Rachel aside for the time being, long enough to sing a Madonna duet that she insisted they rehearse for this week's Glee assignment.
He had to admit, Borderline and Open Your Heart are two decent songs that really went well together. He was digging on the drumming part but mostly, he was digging on Rachel dancing around the piano in that cute little white top and blue skirt she had on. (Funny how her outfit matched his own shirt today. It's like they're MEANT to be together, how can she suddenly not feel that way anymore?)
Does that wimpy little creampuff CHUMP from Carmel play drums? NO, no he does NOT (at least he doesn't think so?). Does he sing some super awesome Madonna mashup songs with Rachel and sound super awesome doing it? NO (but he probably would if Rachel asked him to).
Screw that guy. He needs to just take a hike.
Anyway, he's probably a spy.
. . . . .
WHAT THE HELL? So it's not enough that she's dating the enemy, but she's DATING HIM dating him, like, planning to BANG him already dating him?!
At least that's the word on the street according to the glee girls (who certainly do NOT know how to keep a secret, nor that the acoustics in the choir room are specifically designed to make sound AMPLIFY in that space).
HIS Rachel. His sweet, innocent, heavenly sounding, angelic... lying Rachel. She's giving her virginity to THAT douchey buttwad. BUT SHE JUST MET HIM! ! !
He'd spent about two weeks post-babygate with Rachel where they were sortofdatingbutnotreally, becauseheneverofficiallyaskedherout,butsheactedlikehedidsohejustwentwithit... and she'd let him kiss her. A lot. But it took a few days to work up to her letting him use tongue and she squealed and giggled so hard that first time, he thought maybe there was laughing gas in his lungs or something.
Once the laughing thing was mostly under control, he went in for the test run – the side-boob brush. Yeah, that was a one-and-done total NO FLY zone.
This was the same girl who gave that awe-inspiring magnificent speech in celibacy club not so long before then about chicks wanting sex as much as guys, so he felt a little duped at first and he kinda called her on it. But then she explained she just needed a little time to get comfortable with the idea of someone's hands other than her own touching her in places like that because it was NEW.
In other words, she might WANT it, and SAY she wants it, but she's not necessarily READY for it.
Okay he got that. He respected it too, really he did, because in truth? He kinda felt the same way. Not like the Queen Cobra ever gave much out either and surely she never got THAT kind of close to his um,... places. But he understood the concept in principle.
So now hearing Rachel is planning to give up her v-card membership with some other slick singing and dancing enemy douchebag after HE himself laid the groundwork of letting her get comfortable, it just fucking BLOWS and the bottom of his trust bucket heart falls out again.
Was he really that wrong about Rachell all along or are all girls just liars?
So now he's giving serious consideration to that scary ass offer from Snaketana, but how does he even know if it's legit? She said no strings but he KNOWS this girl. He's known her for quite a few years now and he knows her rep. There's liable to be strings. Like enough strings to make all the cheerleader pom-poms in the NFL and NBA combined. Definitely enough strings to hang himself with.
And what would this mean to them AFTERWARD if he went through with it? They've had this sort of almost friendship for a long time now. Well, they're much more than acquaintances but friends is maybe a stretch. But would they be dating? Or faking dating? Daking? Because he already got a little sample of what that life looks like during that triple date with her and Britt and he's pretty sure it would include a lifetime exile from Breadstix... and a LOT of bizarre Lord Tubbycat stories. And being ignored (which honestly could be an improvement in their relationship).
But she's worried about her rep. She wants the top bitch spot on the Cheerios. And he used to be a top dog til Queen Cobra chopped his balls off at the neck with her lying cheating snake bite baby story. So now they call him NEW names in the locker room, like Deep Throat wasn't crappy enough. Johnny Appleseedless (yeah Karofsky's real imaginative – NOT). The Half Man (he knows that's a Game of Thrones reference but has no idea what dwarfs have to do with anything, except that's what Snaketana and Queen Cobra usually call Rach– OH... shit). His least favorite one so far was said from source unknown on the practice court yesterday: The sperminator's coming, hide your goldfish. There were some pretty creative Little Mermaid and Finding Nemo references being tossed around too, so yeah, the hot tub story musta made headlines too. Great.
Whatever.
Okay, he's gonna do it.
He's a DUDE, and horny, and he found his Jim Morrison, and Santana might scare the crap outta him most of the time and be kind of a bitch the rest of the time, but what's the saying about keeping your enemies close? Yeah. He's gonna do that. AND get laid. (And pray his junk doesn't get gangrene or his face doesn't get eaten by some Venus flytrap Praying Mantis in disguise).
What's the worst that could happen?
. . . . .
Condoms. Condoms condoms condoms... OH SWEET CHRIST. There's an entire WALL of them!
Long lasting. Should probably go with those – unless the rattlesnake bites and he needs to get outta dodge quick for some anti-venom.
Ribbed (okay, sounds weird ...and a little creepy?)...
Glow in the dark. Holy crap – he could have his own personal LIGHT SABRE! Except that could be a little too freaky for a first time out, but something to stow away for future consideration.
Deep reservoir... like at the lake where he fishes in the summer? That's... wait, what does that have to do with...
Flavored and scented – ooo! Those could be cool, right? Hang on. Does he really need strawberry smelling junk for this task? No. No he does not. NO BERRY ANYTHING. Not tonight. And he's heard some rumors, but he's not entirely sure he can trust the rattlesnake enough to put his 'business' in her unhinged snake jaws yet... maybe if he gets one under the belt first to be sure there's an option for a second shot – if he even wants one... then maybe.
There's way too many choices here. How the hell is he gonna decide? Lubricated could be good, although extra slippery might be more than he can manage in the heat of battle. What if his hands are shaking? Why stack the deck against himself like that?
And tingling? Isn't that usually a bad thing? The last time he had tingles down there he had to see Dr Jenkins and got lectured about keeping his cup clean. Cooling, warming (um, bipolar much?)... latex, lambskin, studded – WHOA – edible? OH GOD that's just disgusting... who the hell would– like, he's pretty sure even Santana Lopez isn't ever gonna be THAT hungry!
Who the hell even thinks this shit up?!
Hold up – they come in different SIZES too?! Why is this the first time he's becoming aware of this fact? Crap. How's he supposed to... Like, there's ZERO possibility he's spent ANY amount of time peeking. Okay, that's just like, locker room Rule #1: NO PEEKING. And without the sneak peek (that a lot of dudes do anyway, just to satisfy their own y'know, self-assuredness, or whatever – not that he ever has) there's not much left in the world for the sake of comparison... Alright, well there's probably A LOT of porn and whatever, but, he looks at the GIRLS in that context; not ONCE did he ever check out the DUDE nor would it ever have occurred to him to do so. Would totally defeat the purpose.
He's so screwed (...or well, maybe not at this rate, but you get his point). This is worse than back to school shopping with his mom. But at least then he has her along to help him make choices – but absolutely NO WAY can he ask her about this! In fact he doesn't even wanna believe HIS MOTHER knows what any of this means, because EW just, no!
Okay maybe he should begin with sizes first. If it's too big it'll fall off and he'll feel mighty 'shot in the foot' before he ever gets a LEG UP, y'know? But if it's too small... well that'd probably make him feel all kinds of awesome in the moment, buuuut it'd also mean he'd be outta luck there, too. He needs those Goldylocks condoms. The just right ones. The one size fits all... or, well, many. Or most. Except he's the tallest guy in school and, proportionally speaking, that could be an important consideration to his–
Can he ask anyone about this without cluing them into what's going on and NOT sound like a complete uneducated DORK? Definitely not Puckerman. As much as he'd be the go-to guy for something like this, he's also a complete shit-ass and Finn wants NOTHING to do with said lying sack-of-used-douches formerly known as his best friend. Then again, that shit-ass knocked up his girlfriend, so maybe Puckerman wouldn't be any help anyway.
Mr Schue? Um... hell to tha NAH, as 'Cedes would say. He's pretty sure that rockstar advice cost Schue for the rest of the school year, maybe longer, considering Rachel's about to bang an enemy douchebag now. And he only just met Burt Hummel, so that's also a no-go (and suddenly it sinks in how MUCH of a no-go that idea is because he sure as HELL doesn't wanna think about HIM buying these and– NO. JUST NO.. Far as Finn is concerned his mom is a born again virgin and staying that way). Plus there's probably no planet in this solar system where Mr Hummel wouldn't mention 'talked to your son about rubber shopping' to his mom, so even if Mr H was cool about it in the moment, he's pretty sure there'd be backsplash. Or back lash or blowback or whatever the right term is. It'd be bad. Realllllly bad... Especially after the whole Queen Cobra thing.
As he's standing here deciding whether there's some kinda size chart inside any of these boxes and whether he has enough money to buy a variety sampling, his phone rings and it's the most awesome ringtone sound he's heard in like forever.
'Get ready for me love 'cause I'm a comer, I simply gotta march – my heart's a drummer! Don't bring around a cloud to–'
"Hey Rach," play it cool Hudson! "So, uh... 'sup?"
— "Hello Finn. Um. Is this a bad time to call? If you're busy or anything I can let you go. Maybe I should have texted first. I can–"
"No, no it's cool. I'm just out uh... shopping. You need something?"
— "Well. Um. No. Yes... maybe? Finn, we're friends, right?"
"'Course we are. I mean, I still wanna be. Don't you?"
— "YES. I do. Right. We are... It's just... well, you see. I have a question of a rather personal nature an-and I wasn't sure who else to ask. That is, I really don't have anyone else to ask. Miss Pillsbury was no use and I won't approach my rabbi with this. I tried talking to the girls in glee before, but.. Well, you know, they really don't like me and I'm not sure I could EVER take Santana Lopez's words at face value..."
He belly laughs out loud before he can stop himself.
"Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, I'm happy to help if I can, Rach, but are you okay? Y-you're not like, hurt in any trouble or anything, right?" COOL, Hudson, you're supposed to be JIM MORRISON ROCKSTAR STUD COOL! What the hell's the matter with you? Anyway, she's RACHEL. What the hell kind of trouble could she get into? Singing too loud and pissing off the neighbors again?
— "No no, nothing serious like that, it's just... Do you... Um, this is a survey for health class. Do you think, HYPOTHETICALLY, it's more appropriate for the female or the male to supply prophylactics for the purpose of being intimate? And also, what brand would you recommend for those purposes? Hypothetically."
Wait, isn't he in her health class? He doesn't remember any survey... He stops looking at the five boxes he's been juggling in his hands and they all fall to the floor as he stands there blinking. Did she just ask him... Nope. No way. He was content to believe the rumors were ONLY rumors but not REAL. She CAN'T be doing that! Not with HIM! Not with Stickuphis St Jackass!
— "Finn? He-hello? Are you still there?"
"Uhh.. yeah, I'm here Rach. I mean... hypothetically, um, guys probably – or well, RESPONSIBLE considerate NON-JACKASS guys who actually care about the girl they're with will probably bring their own. But, I guess I could see the chick having some too, as like, a backup plan in case of emergencies. I mean, most guys only carry the ONE in their wallet until it wears a hole in it and the package gets torn and then you're like shi–" why the fuck am I telling her any of this?! She doesn't need to know that and just because it really happens doesn't mean I should be telling her why a backup plan is a good thing! "I mean just um. Yeah. It's probably cool either way, I guess."
— "Oh. Okay, good to know. So then... just a quick follow-up point of clarification, you wouldn't feel as though the female in that case were being too loose or forward, is that correct?"
Oh for the love of– just kill him now.
"Yeah uh, no... hey Rach, I need to go I think mom's calling me–"
— "Oh okay, but wait you didn't recommend a brand–"
"Any will work, Rach. GottaGoBye."
Seriously?!
. . . . .
"Hey there Gigantor. I got this totally sweet motel for us. My cousin works there so I get 50% off. You owe me twenty bucks though."
"Uh... I do?"
"Yeah dumbass. We're going Dutch. This ain't a love affair or a real date. It's a trial run. No deposit, no return. And as long as you don't suck too much at this, I might let you have a follow-up. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, 'kay?"
"Yeah, fine whatever. I uh, I got stuff... y'know, protection."
"Well that's good to hear and puts you a step ahead of Puckerman. So what time do you wanna get this party started?"
"Um. How about 7 PM? My mom and Kurt's dad are going out so there won't be anyone around to ask me any questions."
"Right. A little TMI. Pick me up at my place. I'll be outside waiting at 6:58 sharp. If I see 7:01 and you're not there, I'm calling Britts and going to the Stix without you."
"Right. Fair enough."
. . . . .
7:45 PM in the motel room bathroom mirror...
Okay Hudson. You can do this. You've waited your whole life for this moment. This is the big leagues now, your time to SHINE.
True, the players may have changed but the game remains the same.
Anyway, it's just sex, right? You've been having it with yourself and watching Skinemax for a long time. You know what to do. Mostly. YOU GOT THIS!
And Santana's hot. She doesn't seem to be showing signs of turning into a Venus Flytrap or a poison tree frog or a Praying Mantis. In fact she seems really... weirdly ... happy? Friendly even? Nice might be a step too far, but still... she's making an effort, which is cool. And she promised not to make fun of my 'equipment' – I really hope she meant that. Oh god, she's gonna see my... everything. But I'll get to see hers too, right? That's a fair trade.
Maybe it'll be good. As long as I don't blow it before I get in there and... NO. CONTROL. I can do this. And it's gonna feel good.
Well DUH. It's SEX, of course it'll be good! Because YOU, FINN HUDSON, ARE A ROCKSTAR! YOU ARE THE MAN! YOU ARE A LEGEND, A TOTAL STUD! YOU ARE... a complete IDIOT if you think this is gonna help you forget about Rachel Berry...
UGHHHHH!
Fuck it. Just do it. Just do it and get it over with. It's just like when you dislocated your shoulder last year and the doc had to reset it. It sucked really bad but it felt better when it was over with. BE A MAN! Suck it up and breathe.
This is good this is good this is GREAT and you're gonna make her scream your name – in a good way for a change – and—
'Get ready for me love 'cause I'm a comer, I simply gotta march – my heart's a drummer! Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade'
HOLY SHIT! Should he answer it? Why the hell is she calling now? Wasn't she supposed to be Jesse?
"Hey Rachel, I'm kinda–"
— "Fff-Fffinn..."
"Rach? Hey, Rachel why are you crying?" That sonofabitching BASTARD better not have done anything to hurt her or he's a DEAD man!
— "Ummm, c-c-can you c-come over, p-please?"
"What happened Rach, what's wrong? Are you hurt?" Because if he did ANYTHING to her I'll string him up by his tiny little nads after I pound the teeth out of his skull!
— "N-no I'm... I j-just... I really need a fr-friend right now and y-you're my only one," she sobbed into the phone.
His stomach twisted and his heart was thumping and his head was spinning like the RPM's at NASCAR. And Santana's gonna kill him.
"Uh, yeah sure. I'm not at home right now but I can be there in like twenty minutes, Rach. Can you hold on? Where are you, are you at home?"
— "Y-yes. Are you s-sure?.. I'm so s-sorry to bother you with–"
"I'm positive, and hey, it's no bother Rach. I'll be there soon as I can get there. Just hold on for me, okay? Like um, I guess your dads aren't home so... can you get yourself a glass of water and-and put on Funny Girl and I'll get there soon. Okay?"
— "O-okay. I will... Th-thank you, Finn."
. . . . .
Okay so, he survived the rattlesnake bite. Barely. She's deceivingly STRONG for a chick though and her slaps mean business. To be fair, she probably wouldn't have actually bitten him if he didn't drop her like a hot potato for whatever the hell emergency was going on with Rachel... and he guesses he kinda can't blame her for being pissed.
(He's also smirking to himself a little thinking about how Rachel Berry just one-upped Santana Lopez and she doesn't even know it... Because of course he'd always put Rachel first, whether Rachel believes it or not. Well okay, NOW he would.)
But his smile faded mighty quick when he called her back after dropping Santana at Britt's house just to let her know he was on his way and to give her an ETA. She was still crying like he'd never heard her cry before and it made his insides do things HE'D never felt before... And he sure doesn't like the way it feels.
He just KNOWS this has something to do with St Jerkoff, and he hoped the hell that fucker didn't like, FORCE HER to – no no... fuck no! He can't even consider that. 'Cause if he did, heads are definitely gonna roll and limbs are definitely getting broken – he won't hesitate to go all Braveheart on that little douche, consequences be damned.
She told him her door would be unlocked and to just come inside when he got there. That kinda freaked him out more than he already was, and he was just praying there weren't any cops around to catch him going this far over the speed limit.
. . . . .
"Rach? I'm here, it's Finn."
He was a little nervous about just walking inside her house unannounced without knocking, and he wouldn't have done so if he'd seen a Lexis or a Benz parked in the driveway, but there was nothing but concrete there to greet him. No cars equals no dads to like, show him their favorite shotgun and run him outta Lima for busting into their house that way.
And it was awkward as hell, announcing himself the way he did, like he was the husband just getting home from work or something calling out to the little woman waiting lovingly for him to arrive. Like, 'Honey I'm home!'... He can't lie though, something about that idea didn't sound completely lame. Maybe someday...
"Rach?"
"I'm upstairs Finn," he heard a small tearful voice answer.
She's upstairs. In her room? Alone. Um...
Okay he's never been in her room. He's been at her house a few times before, true... the first time was at their Push It rehearsal for the controversial pep rally song hijack, but the rest of the club was there too. And then after babygate, he'd been here three more times, but her dads were home then and she always made them spend that time in the same game room in the basement where they'd rehearsed for their secret song coup.
Mostly those couple weeks they'd spent hanging out (and kissing, but not technically dating) after the Queen Cobra snake bite were usually at his house, often in his room. His mom had no issues with allowing Rachel to be there with him because 1, he was an absolute emotional wreck and in no condition to even think about bagging another babe – or well, his FIRST babe, as it turns out (although, his mom totally didn't know about the KISSING part of their hanging out), and 2, it was with RACHEL. His mom calls her the 'sweetest girl she's ever seen, despite her being a little high strung' – and she'd slapped him upside the head when he'd told her about the whole dumping her in the hallway thing that day. He loves his mom but GEEZ, she's rough sometimes!
Anyway... So this is the first time EVER he's gonna get to see Rachel Berry's most sacred space. Her inner sanctum. Her BOUDOIR. (and yeah, she taught him that word and it sounded cool so he uses it sometimes now – but only in his head, because he doesn't have a death wish or anything, since he's pretty sure any of the guys from the team would kick his ass to Cincinnati and back if they heard him use a word like BOUDOIR... but it's still fun to say in his head BOOODWAR).
"Rach?"
"Hey Finn."
He peeked into her room, slowly pushing the door open feeling a little unsure if it was okay for him to enter, even though she'd basically invited him to do so already.
As soon as she said his name, her tears replenished and the really crazy, seizure-like body shaking crying started. She looked miserable. Miserable and terrible and so so SO heartbreakingly sad that he wasn't sure how to react at first.
He's really never been great with girl tears, not that he's had much experience with them. Well, except for his mom but that's usually over missing his dad, or like, after fighting with bill collectors... and then Queen Cobra's baby hormones, but that was completely different too and he mostly tried to avoid her in those instances. But these were Rachel tears, and it was making something really sickening and painful twist inside his chest and his gut and he really didn't know what to do about it.
Her big beautiful brown eyes were bloodshot and puffy and swimming in streams of water. She had the remnants of raccoon eyes tracking down her face in her tears (but had probably already cried most of that makeup off and this was all that was left). Her face was splotchy pink and puffy and he kinda wanted to kill– well, someone. Or something. Because Rachel Berry should never, NEVER ever look like this.
He sorta felt a hundred emotions all at once seeing her in this state and wondered if this is how SHE must feel all the time, and maybe it's why she acts so crazy sometimes. It never made sense to him before how someone could feel so much all at once, but he's starting to understand now.
"Hey, hey," he didn't even ask permission, he just went straight to the ball of Rachel that was crumpled in a heap on her bed with some pink and purple furry stuffed something tucked under her arm, sat on the bed and scooped her into his lap wrapping his arms tightly around her. "It's okay, Rach. I'm here. Everything's gonna be okay... Do you wanna tell me what happened?"
She shook her head and cried even harder into his shoulder for what seemed like an eternity. Funny Girl was frozen on that scene with the roller skates on her TV in the background (yeah, he knows all about her Funny Girl thing from those two weeks of non-dating-dating too). The half-empty glass of water he prescribed was sitting by her bedside on the nightstand. He remembered her telling him about how her daddies give her water when she's sad, and he figured that couldn't hurt right now.
Actually, the more time he's had to think about it this past week, the more he realizes that she's been an open book to him all along. She'd been letting him inside her heart, maybe even all the way, probably since the beginning – whether he'd noticed it or wanted to go there yet or not.
So maybe at that time he wasn't ready, and that kinda led to his dumb-ass choices the past few weeks... But he knows he's ready now. He's totally ready to come barreling through those open doors of her heart full steam ahead like a charging bull if she'll let him (and even if she won't).
But based on what he's seeing right now, maybe now she's not ready. In fact, maybe the bottom dropped out of HER trust-bucket heart.
"Rach, you know, you can talk to me about it if you want to... but if you don't, that's cool too. We can just sit here. I'll stay as long as you need me to. I'm not going anywhere."
After a long pause he felt her kind of drying her eyes against his already tear-soaked shirt and she pulled back to look at him. "I.. I want to tell you... I'm just, I'm afraid of what you'll say. Of what you'll think of me."
"Rach, hey..." he pushed her hair back away from her tear-stained face with one hand while the other was still hugged around her waist. "We're friends, right? I'm your friend, so I won't judge or whatever. You can tell me anything," he whispered as he swiped the pad of his thumb over the apple of her cheek, wiping away a stray tear.
"But.. but you said if there were any problems you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore, and–"
"Hang on. Rach, I didn't mean that."
"You didn't?"
"No. Well, I mean okay, maybe I meant it a little bit at the time because I was kinda pissed. And a lot hurt. But I didn't really mean it. So uh... this is about him? About Jesse?" Ooooh how that name was like thumbtacks and sauerkraut and spoiled milk on his tongue... Blech.
"Yes, I suppose you could say that." She wouldn't look him in the eye, instead focused on the fuzzy whats-it still tucked under her arm. A giraffe? Or a funky looking swan? He wasn't sure. "I'm sorry, Finn. I think you might have been right... I should have probably listened to you."
"What do you mean?"
"Well. Jesse and I had a... we had a date tonight. And things were going well, and we came here to my room and... He... he tried to... well he wanted us t-to sleep together, you know? To.. to have sex."
Her voice was so soft and quiet and the house was silent enough to hear a pin drop yet he had to strain to hear her speak. Mostly all he could hear was his own heartbeat in his ears.
Finn did his best to bite his acid coated tongue and hold back the explosion he felt coming, especially if this was headed where he thought it was. He was careful to speak his words slowly and thoughtfully.
"Yeah. I kinda had a feeling about that phone call before. Y'know, the hypothetical health class phone call." He forced a little smile trying to make light of it so he couldn't just spew out all the molten lava building up in his volcano mouth. "I guess things didn't go so well then, huh?"
She shook her head, still hiding her face from him and partly burying in the fuzzy stuffed thingamabob. "No. Not at ALL Finn. You remember the conversation you and I had before, about, you know, me wanting to wait until I was comfortable?"
"Oh, about sex and stuff? Yeah."
"Right. Well, Jesse is older. And he's the first boy to truly like me for me and I felt so many things with him, and I just thought... I thought maybe I was ready. So I was going to just get it over with because it seemed like the ideal situation. A talented, mature, handsome boy who appreciates my talents... So we were kissing and then, well I don't know Finn. It just didn't feel right. And then he got really upset when. Um. When I said I wasn't ready after all."
thankyou thankyou thankyou to the gods of virginity thankyou thankyou thankyou St DIckshits for screwing the pooch and not my girl!
"Rachel, he didn't get, like, hit you or hurt you somehow did he? Because if he did–"
"OH, NO! No no nothing like that happened, Finn, I promise!"
"Are you sure? Rach, don't protect him if he–"
"Yes! No I promise you, Finn, Jesse might be a jerk but he's not abusive! He just... he called me immature and a tease and said a few other choice words I'd rather not repeat. I mean, I realize he's a senior, and certainly he's far more experienced in these matters than I am, but... he just said so many hurtful things I never expected him to say. Finn, I thought he really genuinely liked me, but all he seemed to want was..." her words faded into a ribbon of sobbing gibberish that he couldn't decipher anymore, so he hugged her closer to his chest again, stroking her hair and softly speaking into her ear in a calm soothing voice.
Finn's blood was boiling over. Okay he gets hot and bothered sometimes too and sure, getting some would be great, but to pressure her for it? That's SO NOT cool! And that he'd call Rachel a tease and say crap to her like that just because she wouldn't put out? Oh yeah. He's totally going Braveheart on this dick if he ever sees him.
"Rach... he's an asshole. You're worth so much better than him. No guy should ever treat you that way. No guy should ever treat any girl like that, but especially not you. . . If you weren't ready, then you weren't ready, and that's cool. It's cool that you changed your mind... it's really kinda brave, actually. So y'know, it's his loss Rach. Not yours. And whatever crap he said to you or about you, it's not true. It can't be true, because you're the awesome Rachel Berry and there's NOTHING about you not worth waiting for, and if he had half a brain in his head he woulda known that and not said anything like–"
Finn didn't get to finish his thought. It was too hard to speak with Rachel Berry's mouth on his, and her delicious little tongue pushing past his lips.
Shock was the first sensation he registered. Then heat. Then rolling waves of like, static electricity or something went pulsing through him. He felt her arms wrap around his neck and her little fingers clutched into the hair behind his head as she deepened their kiss. He fought himself over hand placement at that point. He opted for clutching at her bedspread as the safest choice. She was already in his lap and had turned herself to better access his lips, and in doing so she was now straddling his thighs still wearing this really awesome little purple plaid skirt and he knew it was a matter of time before mail call... and YEP time was up already!
"Rach," he broke the kiss, gasping for air, still squeezing his eyes shut tightly, concentrating hard on NOT being hard... and not humiliating himself with her sitting on him the way she was.
"I-I'm sorry Finn, I shouldn't–"
"No." He quickly brought his hands up to her face, cradling it gently and opened his eyes to connect with hers. "No, it's cool. Really. You um, you just surprised me, that's all." He smiled a little and continued stroking the soft skin of her face with his thumbs. "But I'm not sure if you really meant to kiss me like that. Not that I minded one little bit, but–"
"I did mean it though, Finn." she smiled sweetly and the look in her big doe eyes took his breath away "And if you really didn't mind, then I'd like to do it again... Is that okay?"
His head was bobbing up and down before words could be formed in his mind. "Totally. Yeah, that would be completely absolutely, like... awesome..." She smiled and leaned in for another kiss when he paused them. "But wait. I know you're gonna think I'm being kind of a jerk by saying this, but what about Jesse?"
"You're not a jerk, Finn. JESSE is the jerk. He's a deplorable, contemptible human being and I won't be wasting any more of my time on him."
"Awesome! I mean... that's probably for the best, but shouldn't you like, y'know, maybe tell him that? Or did you already?"
"Well, perhaps not in so many words, but yes. Before he left here this evening I think I made my position clear. And if he makes the unfortunate mistake of contacting me again, then–"
"Then he can deal with me."
She smiled at him then. "Is that so?"
"Yeah. Nobody messes with my girl like that and gets away with it."
"Your girl?" She asked with a hint of uncertainty and amusement on her face.
"Yeah. MY girl." He pressed his lips to her forehead and hugged her a little tighter. "Rach... I still mean what I said. I want you to be my girlfriend. For real this time. I know I really hurt you, and I'm like SO sorry for that. It was a mistake, and I swear it wasn't on purpose. I just needed a little more time to square things away in my head, y'know? Quinn really screwed me up and I know you helped me so much afterward but I just–"
"It's okay, Finn. I think I understand now. And I'm sorry too. I was far too eager to move you forward when you weren't prepared for that yet and I didn't think about what was really best for you at the time. I promise to slow down and pay better attention from now on."
His smile stretched from ear to ear. "So... Does that mean I'm your boyfriend now?"
"Before I answer... will you tell me what happened with you and Santana? Finn, I know you had a date with her tonight."
Oh crap.
"Oh... You knew about that?"
"Well she wasn't exactly quiet about it. In fact, she was rather proudly boasting about it all through gym class and in the girls' locker room. So... did you? Go out with her again?"
"Yeah. But um... wh-what did she say exactly?"
"That you two were going to have sex." Double crap. "She said she was going to be your first and seemed rather pleased to point that fact out by leaning into my face and telling me point blank that I'd missed my chance and I was... well. Let's just say, she used some typically harsh words that got her point across."
Finn swallowed hard. He hadn't really meant for Rachel to even know about this whole Snaketana sex fiasco. Santana might have thought that was some kind of positive motivation for him, but he'd never rub something like this in Rachel's face. He's not cruel like Satan.
"We didn't do it, Rach. I mean, yeah we got to the motel, and I was in the bathroom trying to talk myself into it but... but in the end, I knew it didn't feel right. She's not the girl I want my first time to be with."
"She isn't?"
"No. I guess I thought I could just be some stud and just get it over with, but I think it wouldn't have been a good idea in the end and I probably would have felt pretty crappy afterward."
"Oh, I see. Santana said the two of you were going to be the new power couple of McKinley, that you were going to be back on top of the social ladder...so I thought maybe you wanted to date her now. Is that why you planned to be with her?"
He sighed, finding it hard to look her in the eye. "Maybe for a minute, yeah, the popularity thing and fixing my rep after the shit with Quinn, maybe part of me thought it was a good idea for that reason. But mostly, I think I was trying to distract myself from the fact that I couldn't be with you. But NO Rach, I didn't wanna date her. I've never been interested in Santana Lopez like that. The sex idea with her was just another big mistake I made. Are you mad?"
Rachel was quiet, lost in thought for a long beat, then it was her turn to sigh. "If I'm being perfectly honest, I'm not terribly pleased about it. I might even be a little disappointed in you for exercising such poor judgement... but Finn, I don't think it would be right for me to be mad at you. After all, as you pointed out, I was with Jesse, and you were unattached, free to make your own choices. Although... you already did choose her over me once before."
"Rach... that whole thing a week ago was SUCH a mistake. My head was still screwed up back then, and tonight... well, I would've much rather taken you on a date than her. I mean – not like to a motel for sex but a REAL date... not that I wouldn't want to have sex with you because–"
"Finn, I understand what you mean."
"Oh. Good. I just need you to believe that, because it's true. I really do only wanna date YOU, Rach."
"So...Are you asking me on a date now?"
He smiled. "Yeah, as a matter of fact I am. How about you find that cat calendar. We'll do the next thing you have listed on it. And I promise not to forget about our date this time."
She giggled. "Are you sure? I don't want to force you to do something you don't want to do, Finn. That certainly didn't get me very far the last time."
"No, I want to. I want to spend time with you, and I want you to be happy. If that means going to the children's ballet or Color Me Mine or whatever Broadway thing you have lined up, then I'm cool with it. To be honest, those couple weeks when we were hanging out together were probably the best ones of my year so far... and when they stopped happening, I really missed them. I missed YOU. So yeah, I have some lost time to make up for, and maybe a little groveling to do."
She had tears in her eyes again, but this time they were happy ones. "Groveling is not necessary, Finn. Appreciated perhaps, but not necessary. Just... just be honest with me, okay? And don't be shy about telling me what you're feeling or if I'm being too pushy, even if you think it'll hurt my feelings."
"Okay. I can do that... I mean, I don't ever WANT to hurt your feelings, but I can be honest about stuff."
"Good. And I'll be sure to tell you if you're being too much of an insensitive Neanderthal jerk."
He chuckled. "I guess that's fair... and you DO seem to be pretty good at keeping me in line. So, is that a yes then? You'll be my girlfriend?"
"Yes, Finn. I'd be delighted to have you as my boyfriend." She flashed him her biggest brightest smile, and the way her face looked at that moment all splotchy red and puffy and raccoon-y eyed, she was the most adorable thing he'd ever seen.
He kissed her again as if to seal the deal then broke the kiss and added "Good. Glad that's all finally settled. And the first order of business is me kicking St Jerface right in the nads if he causes any more trouble – in fact I might just do it anyway whether he tries to bother you again or not."
"Finn! We've been over this before, you know I'm opposed to violence, and physical altercations will not solve any problems; in fact they typically only create new ones."
"I know... and maybe you're right. But it still feels great at the time," he joked.
She poked him playfully in the chest. "Okay, mister. We need to work on your coping mechanisms a little more. How about if we begin with a morning exercise regime? Natural endorphins will surely suppress this tendency you have to gravitate toward violence. It's a far healthier outlet. Oh, I know! You can go jogging with me before school. You know I'm usually awake and starting my elliptical around 6 AM, but we could jog together instead. Fresh air and sunshine do wonders for the psyche as well – but so does meditation and yoga. Maybe you should come to my next yoga class and–"
He cut her off with a searing hot kiss that made her heart skip a beat and stole her breath.
"Baby steps, Rach. Slow and steady, remember?"
"You're right. Sorry... we'll work up to yoga. You'll see eventually."
He chuckled at her persistence. "Can I just ask you one favor?"
"Sure, anything?"
"No more cat calendars."
"Oh... certainly. Um, I'm sorry for pushing that on you–"
"No, I mean, it's just I'm more of a dog person. Maybe you can make a new one with a pitbull or a great Dane?"
She giggled. "A pitbull, for you? I don't know, Finn. How do you feel about a golden retriever?"
He thought for a beat and finally nodded. "Yeah, that sounds a lot better than Lord Flubberson, so it's cool."
"I think that can be arranged. I'd also like to make the new calendar TOGETHER this time, and include things YOU want to do in our activities."
"Yeah? So like, you'd be willing to, I dunno, spend a day playing Call of Duty together?"
"Of course! It's called compromise. And I want to learn about the things you like too."
"You're so awesome," He kissed her softly on the lips then remembered something "Oh, and Rach?"
"Yes, Finn?"
"Remember that Madonna song you and the girls sang in the auditorium, the one in the Madonna lingerie?"
She blushed slightly but answered with a tilted head and a questioning smirk. "Yes, what about it?"
"Did you get to keep the outfit? 'Cause you looked really hot in that skimpy little red corset thingy."
"Finn!" she giggled and slapped his arm playfully. "I have a question for you, though."
"Okay shoot."
"When I called you and asked about, um, that health class survey..."
"Uh-huh. You mean the hypothetical non-existent health class survey, right," he winked.
She narrowed her eyes at him. "Yes, well. The answer you provided me... does that mean you purchased protection? I mean, b-because you were planning to be with Santana."
"Yeah. I bought a box – well. I bought four of 'em actually. There was a lot to choose from and I wasn't sure what was what, so... yeah."
"Oh. Okay. Good to know. F-for future reference, of course. And I agree, there are a NUMBER of options to choose from, the task can be quite daunting. Maybe someday soon we can um, review the choices you made, together?"
She looked at him shyly with a coy smile and he felt himself flush crimson. He was pretty sure he was picking up the hints she was dropping, but decided to pivot away from the topic instead of pushing it any further. "Hey, y'know that other Madonna song, the mash-up one you and me sang together yesterday?"
"Mhmm, what about it?"
"Well, I was just thinking, it sounded really great and all, but it ended wrong."
"Oh? How so?"
"Because it was supposed to end like this," he said as he pressed his lips hotly to hers. He wrapped his arms around her waist, snaking them up her back with his fingers splayed wide. She was so tiny he kinda felt like he could twist his arms around her twice – if he had an extra set or two of elbows. He felt her hands slide over the sides of his shoulders and then down his chest as she fisted his shirt in her little hands
After a beat, she broke the kiss and leaned her forehead to him. "Mmm. I agree, Finn. That was a MUCH better ending than the original one. I think you should choose all our endings from now on."
His trademark grin lifted up on one side of face flashing his right dimple prominently. He stared into her bottomless brown eyes and knew this girl was something special and together THEY were gonna be something special. He finally had his second shot and he wasn't gonna blow it this time.
"Deal."
. . . . .
~F️❤️R~