"Why didn't you say something, honey? I had no idea things were this bad." Liv said, reaching out to take Amanda's hand with a concerned expression on her face.
They were at Liv's apartment now, having eaten and settled Noah into bed with Frannie in her accustomed spot at the little boy's feet.
Noah had been over the moon when Liv came through the front door with the blonde detective and her dog following in her wake. He had stayed up way past his bedtime, eventually passing out across Amanda's lap. Liv had scooped him up and taken him to his room to tuck him in.
She made tea for herself and Amanda and walked through to the living area, depositing the cups on the coffee table. She joined the blonde on the sofa, tucking her feet underneath her body and leaning back against the arm rest, mirroring Amanda's posture at the other end.
The younger woman laughed mirthlessly, "it's not exactly the sort of thing I want to advertise, Liv. I fucked up gambling myself into debt and I fucked up letting my sister use me. Now I've lost my home because I'm such a fucking screw up."
"Hey, you are not a screw up," Liv said vehemently. "You let your sister in because you love her and it's in your nature to look out for her." Amanda looked sceptical, so Olivia continued, squeezing the hand she held. "She took advantage of you Manda; she knows you care about her and she used that to get what she wants. I don't want to speak ill of your family, but I don't like the way they treat you. You deserve so much better."
"I know," the blonde said, quietly. "I should just tell them to get lost, but I can't turn my back on them, Liv. As fucked up and dysfunctional as we are, we are still family."
Liv gave an understanding smile, "I know what that's like. As much as I wish I had just walked away from my mother sometimes, I just couldn't."
Both women were quiet for a moment, lost in their own thoughts.
Liv seemed to come back to herself then. "As for the gambling," she continued, "it's an addiction. We both know what that can do to a person, and you have done so well over the last ten months, you have fought every day and every day you have won. Don't put yourself down, Amanda. In my eyes you are the complete opposite of a screw up."
"Olivia, I'm living between my car and the cribs, I think that's the definition of screw up." The younger woman responded wryly, picking up her tea cup and taking a sip.
"No, I think that's just called bad luck." Liv said, "This wouldn't have happened if your landlord hadn't spotted the missing furniture. Anyway, I thought we'd established you weren't living between your car and the precinct; you're living here?"
"For now," the blonde smirked. "You wanna be careful though, Liv. A girl could get used to being waited on hand and foot." She laughed lightly as she gestured to the mug in her hand.
The brunette let out a low melodious chuckle, "don't get used to it Rollins, once you've found your way around the kitchen, you can get your own damn tea!"
Amanda feigned an offended expression, but couldn't maintain it, and soon lapsed into laughter, Liv joining in.
When they calmed down a little they fell once more into a comfortable silence. Olivia watched as her blonde friend seemed to be in her own little world, her gaze unfocused as she clasped the warm cup between her hands.
"Manda?" Liv said softly, trying not to startle the younger woman. "Is something else bothering you?"
Amanda hesitated, she could tell Liv about the baby, but she wasn't sure she was ready to yet. Acknowledging it to another person would make it real, and she couldn't handle that right now. "No, I'm fine Liv. It's just a big change. A lot to take in." She yawned.
When Olivia saw that, she smiled and said "bedtime for you missy." She stood from the sofa and held out her hand for Amanda's empty cup.
Rollins grinned sleepily, "That's probably a good idea. You were right earlier, it's impossible to get a good night's sleep in the cribs." She stood and stretched, hearing and feeling several of her vertebrae pop as she did. "My back is killing me."
Liv was momentarily distracted by the strip of toned stomach that became exposed as Amanda lifted her arms to stretch. She felt a shiver down her spine and shook herself mentally before the blonde noticed anything. Liv dumped the cups on the kitchen counter as Amanda made her way to the guest room with her duffel bag over her shoulder.
The brunette then went to the linen closet to retrieve some fresh towels and knocked on the guest room door which stood ajar. Amanda stood just inside, bag still on her shoulder. She was staring into the far corner of the room and when Liv followed her line of vision, she understood.
When Noah had upgraded to a toddler bed, Olivia had moved the crib out of his room and into the guest room. It stood now in the corner, his old bassinet inside it. She had not gotten around to either selling them or putting them into storage yet.
Moving behind the blonde, she placed a hand on the smaller woman's shoulder causing her to jump slightly. "Sorry, I've been meaning to get rid of that stuff, I just haven't had any time lately." Turning to the blonde, Liv was horrified to see tears on Amanda's face. "Hey, come here," throwing the towels onto the bed, she took the bag from the younger woman and put it on the floor as she pulled her into a hug, "honey what's wrong?"
Amanda sniffled, burying her face into Liv's shoulder and snaking her arms around the brunette's waist, gently returning the hug. "Nothin' Liv, I'm fine."
"Tears don't usually mean 'fine' Manda." Liv reasoned, leaning back slightly to try and read the blonde's expression.
Amanda smiled weakly then gave an embarrassed chuckle, wiping the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand, "I think it's just a combination of being overtired and all the changes this week. It's a bit overwhelming. Thank you, Liv, for taking me in. I can never repay you for this."
"Don't be silly Manda, there's nothing to repay." Liv smiled and placed a light, reassuring kiss on the younger woman's temple, "you don't owe me anything, I'm just happy knowing you are safe."
She had kissed the blonde without even thinking about it. Just doing what felt natural. Amanda was momentarily stunned by the intimate gesture, but she felt her heart swell with affection for the older woman. She had stopped crying now, but they still stood there embracing one another, just enjoying the moment. The younger woman breathed in Liv's scent, vanilla and spices, finding it made her feel calmer.
Liv guessed it was the baby furniture that had caused Amanda's reaction, which seemed to confirm Liv's suspicion that it had indeed been Amanda's test she had found in the trash, not Lucy's. She still wasn't going to force the blonde to tell her anything if she wasn't ready, but she couldn't help but wonder what was going through the younger woman's mind in regards to the pregnancy.
She felt Amanda stifle another yawn and pulled reluctantly out of the hug. "Come on you, time for bed." She said kindly to her young detective. "I'll apologise in advance; Noah hasn't grasped the concept of sleeping in on weekends so prepare for an early start. I'll do my best to keep him occupied and give you a chance to rest."
"Naw, it's fine Liv," Amanda drawled, her southern accent more noticeable when she was tired. "I really don't mind."
"Okay honey," Liv smiled. She found Amanda's accent adorable. "Get some sleep, I'll see you in the morning."
Olivia left the room and headed to her own bedroom, her lips still buzzing from the contact with Amanda's skin. She had a quick shower in her en-suite bathroom, then put on a long-sleeved shirt and a pair of old sweats and crawled into bed, where she fell asleep quickly.
Amanda on the other hand, sat on the edge of the bed in the guest bedroom for a long time. Her eyes were drawn back to the crib in the corner time and again as she tried to imagine what her life would be like with a child. She genuinely enjoyed spending time with Noah, but she always gave him back to Olivia at the end of the day. Being responsible for the life of another human being was daunting to say the least. How was she supposed to look after a baby when she could barely look after herself?
When she tried to imagine the alternative, that made her feel ill. It wasn't that she disagreed with termination for the right reasons, it was more that she didn't feel it was an option for her. She had known about the pregnancy for just over a week, and already she felt a strong connection to it. Maybe if she talked to Olivia, she would help her to see things more clearly? Or maybe the lieutenant would just think she was impulsive and reckless.
When Amanda could no longer keep her eyes open, she eventually changed and slipped under the covers, questions chasing one another, unanswered, through her exhausted mind as she fell into an uneasy sleep.