A/N: Just FYI trigger warnings for details of torture/assault. This is one of my favourite chapters so far. It's one of the scenesI had in my head when I first imagined this story. Let me know what you guys think.
Amanda was driving. She had no idea where she was headed, or why she was headed there at all. She looked out of the window, she felt too high up, her body position wrong. She looked to the steering wheel, noting how large it was. Looking at her rear-view mirror she saw row after row of seats. She was driving a bus. Why? She looked again in the rear view, there were no passengers that she could see, but every seat had a baby carrier strapped to it. She couldn't tell if they were occupied or not. She couldn't hear anything.
She was approaching a red light, she needed to slow down. Pressing her foot to the brake pedal, she felt no resistance under her foot. The bus wasn't slowing. Her heart sped up. She couldn't stop. She was going to crash. She watched the traffic flowing left to right and right to left across the path her bus was on, and there was nothing she could do. She got closer and closer, desperately stamping over and over on the brake but it was no use. Someone screamed, it may well have been her. She was about to hit several cars that were in her path when—
Amanda sat bolt upright in bed, gasping as though she had just emerged from the depths of a frozen lake. She was sweating and felt a little unsteady. What a weird dream. She took a few deep breaths, feeling her heart slow back to its normal rhythm. She was about to lay back down when she heard someone cry out, close by. Her head snapped towards her door, instantly on the alert, she definitely wasn't dreaming this time.
She got up, retrieving her gun from her own lockbox, which now resided in the dresser drawer in her bedroom. She peered cautiously out at the foyer and living area from the vantage point of her doorway, but saw nothing out of place.
Keeping her back to the wall, she made her way down the hall to the back of the apartment, where Noah and Liv's bedrooms were. Her gaze swept left and right as she moved, her police training kicking in as she cleared the kitchen and the hall closet. She was pretty sure it was Olivia that had screamed, though she couldn't hear anything now.
Quietly, she checked on Noah. The little boy was still sound asleep, splayed out like a starfish on his back, tiny snores emanating from his lips. Although Frannie sat up looking alert on the end of the boy's bed, she gave no indication that an intruder might be in the room. "Stay, Frannie," the blonde murmured, then she moved across the hall to Olivia's room, opening the door on silent hinges.
She could make out Olivia's form, moving restlessly beneath the duvet on the king-sized bed. Peering into the shadowy corners of the room, she saw nobody there. She was about to move to the en-suite door to check the bathroom beyond and the walk-in closet beside it, when a low moan came from the bed.
"No… please… not again… leave me alone… please," the brunette moaned. Then she let out another piercing scream that momentarily froze the blonde in place. Quickly realising the older woman was having a nightmare, not fighting off a real assailant, she moved across to the bed. She put her gun down on the bedside cabinet and sat on the edge of the bed beside her friend.
"Liv," She tried to rouse the older woman without startling her, but got no response. "Liv," she tried again, louder this time. She reached out, smoothing the tangled chocolate tresses away from Olivia's sweaty forehead, she stroked the side of her face, "Olivia!" She said loudly this time.
"No… get off… don't touch me…" Liv muttered again.
"Liv. It's me, it's Amanda." The blonde tried again, "wake up sweetie, you're safe. You're at home in bed. Nobody is hurting you. Wake up, Olivia!"
Finally, fearful brown eyes snapped open. Olivia's arms flew up in a defensive move, but Amanda was ready for it. She grabbed the brunette's wrists as gently as possible to prevent Liv hurting either of them. "Liv it's okay, it's just me, Amanda." She said in a soothing voice. "Olivia, honey, can you hear me? You're safe, it was just a nightmare."
Olivia struggled against the grip for a few seconds, then blinked a few times. Her clouded mocha orbs seemed to clear as she focused on the blonde in front of her. "Amanda?" She croaked. "What… what are you doing in here?"
"I heard you scream," Amanda said, releasing the older woman's hands now that she was calmer. "I thought someone had broken in so I came to check," she gestured to her gun on the bedside table. Liv glanced at it, then sat up slowly, curling herself into a ball, hunched against the headboard, as far away as possible from her guest.
"Sorry," she muttered into her knees, not looking at the blonde. "I didn't mean to wake you up."
Amanda could see tears in the older woman's eyes, and she could feel a vibration running through the mattress as Olivia trembled, shame and embarrassment rolling off her in waves. "Hey," she said gently reaching out to the brunette. She stopped when Olivia flinched. "Liv, please look at me."
It took a few seconds, a few deep breaths, but eventually Liv looked up, the tears in her eyes threatening to spill.
"Liv, it's okay," Amanda smiled, reassuringly. She held her hand out, not touching Olivia, but giving the brunette the option to take it or not. Liv stared at the hand for a few seconds before reaching hesitantly for it with quivering fingers. "That's it," Amanda encouraged, squeezing the cold digits gently, "It happens, sweetie. I know all too well. There's no need to apologise and there's no need to be embarrassed. I've been in your shoes before. Still am occasionally." She shrugged nonchalantly.
A small sob escaped the older woman's throat, and Amanda felt her heart breaking for her friend. "Liv, sweetie, can I hold you?" She asked, not knowing how else to comfort the brunette. A few more seconds passed before Olivia nodded.
Amanda got up, walking around the other side of the bed. Sitting by the brunette's side, she gently guided Liv to lean into her body, tucking the dark-haired head under her chin, she held Olivia's upper arm with one hand while stroking large soothing circles on her back with the other. "You're okay," she crooned in a low, comforting voice. "You're safe, honey, it's just us here. Nobody's gonna hurt you sweetie, I won't let them."
Olivia sobbed into the blonde's chest; Amanda could feel the tears soaking the front of her shirt but she didn't care. She continued to speak soothing words to the brunette until eventually, the sobs slowed and turned to hiccups. Amanda looked round, grateful that Olivia had a glass of water at the side of the bed. She held it out to the older woman. "Here sweetie, try a few sips of this." She said, quietly. Olivia's hand shook too much to hold the glass, so Amanda held it for her, tipping it slowly towards her lips. After a couple of sips, she asked, "better?"
The brunette nodded, sniffling loudly. Amanda put the glass down and took a couple of tissues from the box beside the bed and handed them to Liv, who wiped her eyes and nose.
The two sat in silence for a few minutes, Amanda stroking Liv's hair gently. "Liv?" Amanda asked quietly, "honey, I know it's hard, believe me, I've had more than my fair share of nightmares since— since Patton, but, do you wanna talk about it?"
Olivia just looked at her, thinking over her question. On one hand, she wanted to pretend this never happened, and that her subordinate had not just woken her from a scary dream then comforted her as she bawled like a baby. On the other hand, she trusted Amanda implicitly, and hadn't the blonde shared enough of her own embarrassing secrets with her lately? Maybe it was time to show her that same level of trust in return.
She took a shaky breath before saying, "It's been almost two years," her voice was low and gravelly from all the crying. She cleared her throat and continued, "two year since that bastard took me, and I still have goddamn nightmares about him."
Amanda shuddered, remembering those few horrific days when William Lewis had kidnapped Olivia, kept her drunk, drugged, and tortured her, while the team desperately tried to find her. Amanda had been terrified, not knowing where Olivia was, or even if she was still alive. She reached for the brunette's hand now, interlacing their fingers, giving a light squeeze, encouraging Liv to continue.
"Remember—" Liv paused taking a breath, "remember Mrs Meyer? The lawyer's mom? He made me watch while he raped her, and if I looked away, he put out cigarettes on her?"
The blonde nodded. She remembered. She had seen the woman's injuries up close when she rode in the ambulance with her, desperately questioning the semi-conscious victim about Olivia's wellbeing, whether she was still alive. She remembered several round angry lesions on the woman's skin. The stench of burning flesh in that bedroom. The memory of it made her feel sick.
"Well," Liv said quietly, "put it this way; she wasn't the only one that got burned that day." She turned to look at Amanda with a sad smile, her lower lip quivering.
Amanda felt her blood boil as she experienced a surge of hatred towards the bastard, Lewis. How dare he touch Olivia? Good, kind, perfect Olivia. She was so glad he was dead.
"When I r-refused to w-watch," Liv stuttered, "h-he pushed up m-my shirt and… it hurt so much. I lost c-count of how many. I passed out after about h-half a dozen." She swallowed, and tried to steady her breathing, grasping subconsciously at the front of the long-sleeved t-shirt she wore. "H-he waited for me to wake up then told me that if I didn't watch, he would burn her. I— I had to, Manda, how could I choose between watching someone get burned, or watching them get raped? I tried s-s-so h-hard…"
She was cut off by another round of sobs. "Easy, Liv, easy. Take your time, sweetie." Amanda gathered the brunette in her arms once more, with tears pricking her own eyes. Rocking Liv gently from side to side, the blonde whispered reassurances interspersed with soft kisses to her temple, and stroked the side of her face soothingly. After a few minutes, she calmed once more.
"I tried," Liv whispered, "I tried to stay awake, but with the vodka and the pills, I couldn't. I kept blacking out. Every time I came to, he showed me a new burn on her skin, telling me it was my fault."
"It wasn't." Amanda said quickly but firmly, staring intently into watery chocolate orbs. "It wasn't your fault Liv, not at all. He was a sadistic psychopath. This is all on him, not you."
"I know," Liv whispered, "although it's nice to hear it said out loud by someone else."
She gave Amanda a watery smile, which the blonde returned, followed by a light kiss to the brunette's forehead.
"I guess the case today…" Liv trailed off with a shudder, "seeing all those cigarette burns, triggered my memory?"
Amanda nodded, "Probably so, honey," she hesitated, not sure whether to ask her next question. "Um… where did you go today, Liv, after you left the ME's office?
Olivia looked down at her hands in her lap. "I…" she paused, "I was gonna try to see Dr Lindstrom," she frowned, picking at her nailbeds." I picked up Noah early from day-care and just spent the rest of the afternoon with him here." Her eyes met Amanda's cobalt ones once more. "He helps keep me grounded," she reasoned. "I needed to be somewhere with no more triggers, I just wanted to forget for a while." She reasoned with a shrug.
Amanda nodded understandingly; she knew that feeling completely. "For me it's Old Spice. To this day I can't smell Old Spice without feelin' sick to my stomach. Then again," she laughed lightly, trying to add some levity to the moment, "there's not a whole hell of a lot I can do these days without feelin' sick to my stomach." She rubbed her still-flat abdomen with a mock frown, causing Olivia to giggle despite herself.
"Hopefully that will wear off when you get to your second trimester." Liv said, doubtfully.
"Oh I sure hope so," intoned the blonde. She would pray to every deity going, if it meant the nausea and sickness would stop.
She turned her attention back to Liv, rubbing her back once more, "do you want to try and sleep a little more, honey?" She asked kindly.
Olivia yawned involuntarily, making the blonde chuckle, "I'll take that as a yes. Come on, let's get you tucked in." She stood and walked back to Olivia's side of the bed, holding up the blankets for Olivia to lay down then tucking them back around her. She pushed a lock of chestnut hair behind an olive-skinned ear, smiling at the deep brown eyes that watched her. "There, try to get some sleep, honey. I'll be right down the hall if you need me, okay? Just holler."
The blonde turned as if to leave the room, when she felt a hand close on her wrist.
"Manda," Liv whispered in a small voice, "will— will you please stay with me? Just until I fall asleep?"
The intense vulnerability in Liv's voice and expression floored the younger woman completely. She turned back to fully face the brunette. "Of course, sweetie, do you want me to hold you again?"
Liv gave a shy nod, not meeting Amanda's eyes. The blonde slid beneath the covers next to Olivia and held out her arms, allowing Liv to shuffle across the large bed into them. They laid face to face, Liv using Amanda's arm and upper chest as a pillow, her arm slung across the blonde's slim waist, while Amanda's arms wrapped around the brunette's shoulders. She used her short nails to lightly scratch soothing patterns against the older woman's scalp, occasionally combing her fingers through long dark tresses.
Amanda closed her eyes listening as Olivia's breathing gradually evened out. She couldn't bring herself to disturb the older woman once she had settled down, and being so tired herself, she soon followed her lieutenant into unconsciousness.