A/N: Apologies for the delay in posting. I've been away for the week. Thank you for all the positive reviews so far, keep letting me know what you guys think!
When Olivia awoke next morning, the first thing she noticed was that she wasn't alone. She laid perfectly still, taking in her surroundings. The sun wasn't yet fully up, so the room was still in semi-darkness. She felt a soft warmth under her hand, and something was tickling her nose. Opening her eyes slowly, she saw that her head was not on a pillow, but on Amanda's upper chest, the swell of the younger woman's breasts in her immediate line of sight. Her face was buried in long golden hair and she could smell the clean, floral scent of Amanda's shampoo.
Still sleepy, the brunette laid there for a moment, watching the steady rise and fall of Amanda's chest in line with her breathing. Heavy breaths escaped the detective's lips, although they were not heavy enough to be called snores.
The blonde had rolled onto her back at some point during the night, and Liv had moved with her, snuggled into her left side. Raising her head slightly, Liv spotted her own olive-skinned left hand spread protectively over the bare skin of Amanda's pale stomach, where her pyjama top had ridden up in the night. The fingers of Amanda's right hand covered hers, as though they had been holding hands.
As the blonde began to stir, Olivia slid her hand away and started to retreat to the far side of the bed. Before she could move more than a few inches, Amanda was wrestling with the bed clothes in panic. "Woah, Rollins, where's the fire?" Liv asked as she helped the younger woman free her legs from the tangle of sheets. Glancing at the younger woman's face, Liv saw the problem. Amanda had turned a delicate shade of green, and she had her right hand clamped across her mouth.
Finally free of the bed, Amanda streaked towards Liv's en-suite, knowing she wouldn't have time to make it to the guest bathroom down the hall. She didn't even have time to stop and lock the door, she ran straight to the toilet, shoved up the lid and emptied her stomach into the bowl. She was gasping for air between heaves, her stomach was empty, it had been so long since she'd eaten, but that didn't stop the acrid bile from burning its way up her throat.
She felt cool, gentle hands sweep the hair back from her face then, and realised Olivia must have followed her into the bathroom. The lieutenant held Amanda's hair with one hand while rubbing soothing circles on her back with the other. Reaching up to the counter, she picked up one of her own hair clips, and used it to clip the long blonde locks into a loose up-do, out of harm's way.
"Liv, get outta here," the blonde choked out between wretches, "you don't need to see this." She couldn't hear anything for the roaring in her ears, as she heaved once more, but she immediately felt the loss as the brunette's hand left her back. As embarrassing as it was for her to have her boss witnessing this humiliating show, she did appreciate the comfort Liv offered. She hadn't really expected Liv to listen to her.
After a few seconds, it was clear that she hadn't left after all, she returned with a damp wash cloth, and, kneeling down beside Amanda, she ran it gently over the blonde's neck and shoulders, soothing the fevered skin. Amanda took a few gulps of air, swallowing convulsively, desperate not to throw up again.
"Let it all out, sweetie," Liv murmured quietly in her ear, "you'll feel better if you do." She continued rubbing circles on the younger woman's back as she bent forwards over the toilet once more. "That's it, honey, you're okay."
When she was finally done, Amanda flushed the toilet and sat back on her heels, panting and shivering slightly. Olivia wrapped a supportive arm around her waist and the blonde head lolled sideways onto Liv's shoulder. Amanda's eyes were closed and there was a light sheen of sweat over her face. Liv used the wash cloth in her hand to gently wipe the pale skin of Amanda's forehead.
"Sorry you had to see that, Liv," Amanda croaked faintly, lifting her head to give Olivia an apologetic look. "I didn't have time to get to the other bathroom."
"It's fine, Manda. Do you feel okay now?" Liv asked, getting to her feet and offering a hand to the blonde.
Amanda took it, using it to help her stand. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just need to rinse my mouth." She grimaced slightly as she moved on trembling legs towards the sink.
When she was finished, Liv guided her shivering form back out to the bedroom and pushed her down onto the edge of the bed. "Honey, I thought the pills were helping with the sickness?" The brunette asked with concern, wrapping her own robe around the younger woman's shoulders. "Do we need to go back to the doctor?"
"No, no doctors," Amanda moaned, "the pills do help, I just… forgot to take one last night…" she admitted, sheepishly. It was true, since she had started the tablets, she had only thrown up one other time. They didn't help with the nausea, but at least she wasn't bolting for the bathroom every five minutes.
"Manda..." Liv scolded softly, but with no real heat, "you need to take better care of yourself, honey. Where are your pills? You can take one now."
"Right hand bedside drawer," The blonde replied meekly.
"Stay there, I'll be right back." Liv said, squeezing the younger woman's shoulder as she turned and left the room.
She returned just a minute later with a glass of water, the bottle of tablets and a pack of salted crackers. "Here, take this, then I thought maybe you could try something plain to eat."
Once she had taken the pill, Amanda took the proffered crackers and began nibbling the corner of one while Olivia stood over her watching. "Manda…" she said hesitantly, she was staring at her hands as they twisted together in front of her, "um, about— about last night…"
"Don't you dare start apologising, Liv," Amanda cut across her, she could see where this conversation was going, see the look of shame on the older woman's face. She reached out a hand, taking one of Olivia's in her own, and pulling her down to sit on the bed beside her. "Honey, I know better than anyone what it's like, and I know how it feels in the aftermath as well, and I'm tellin' you, it's alright."
Olivia couldn't look at the younger woman, feeling too ashamed, instead she stared at the floor, the corners of her mouth turned down in a frown. "I just feel so… weak," she murmured, her voice sounding strained.
The blonde took Olivia's chin between thumb and forefinger and tenderly coaxed it up, forcing the brunette to meet her gaze. "You are not weak Olivia Benson." She spoke each word slowly and deliberately, willing Olivia to believe her, "you are the strongest person I know. You have been through hell, literally, and now you are stronger than ever. But you are human too, Liv. It's okay to not be okay sometimes. You taught me that, remember?"
Liv gave a grudging half smile, "yeah I guess I did," she said. "I'm not doing a very convincing job as a commanding officer right now am I? I wouldn't be very impressed if I were you."
"To be perfectly honest, Liv," Amanda said, "I'd be more worried if you didn't act like this after what you went through. It's part of what makes you a strong leader, your ability to feel and react and empathise with people around you. It makes you approachable, as a boss and as a cop."
"Be that as it may," Liv said, shifting her weight uncomfortably, "I'd rather it didn't get out at work. I like to keep my private life just that, private. I trust you won't tell anyone what happened?"
"Don't worry about it, Liv, your secret is safe with me." Amanda assured the brunette squeezing her hand with a half-smile. "Besides, I think you have a little more over me on the secrets front than I have over you."
"Amanda, I hope you know I'd never betray your confidence?" Liv said anxiously, wanting the blonde to know she could trust her.
"Of course I do, Liv," Amanda smiled fully now. "How about this? When we are at work, we are Lieutenant Benson and Detective Rollins. Professional cops and all around badasses." She paused waiting for Liv to meet her twinkling eyes, and saw the older woman smile weakly, before continuing, "but when we are at home, or off duty or whatever, we are just Liv and Manda. Good friends, who are there for each other when they need to be? Whatever happens at home stays at home, okay?"
Liv chuckled at how juvenile she sounded, but agreed. "Are you gonna make me pinky swear to it, Rollins?" she teased.
The younger woman held up her fist with just her little finger extended. She cocked an eyebrow at Liv in challenge. "You bet your ass I am, Benson."
Rolling her eyes and laughing, Olivia linked her little finger with Amanda's. "Happy now?" She grinned.
They were interrupted by the blaring of Olivia's alarm clock, signalling it was time to get up for work. The older woman dived across the bed to turn it off then sat back up, looking at her friend. "How're you feeling, do you think you can stomach some breakfast?"
Amanda's eyebrows pinched together in a frown. "Hmmmm, maybe just some cereal? I'm gonna go shower first though, so I'll sort it when I'm done." With that the two women parted ways to prepare for the day ahead.
Olivia found it difficult to concentrate at work that day. She sat in her office working through the ever-present mountain of paperwork that came with the job role, but was unable to focus. She found herself reading the same sentence two, three, four times and not taking in a word she had read.
She kept thinking about Amanda. How easily she had managed to open up to her after her nightmare. Olivia had always been guarded. She had learned to keep her thoughts and feelings to herself at an early age, never knowing what might set her mother off into a drunken rampage, she found it easier just to keep quiet. The trait had carried through to her adult life as well. Perhaps that's why she had always been unlucky in relationships. When it came to sharing about herself, she just couldn't do it, and eventually it drove each and every lover out the door.
But Amanda. She was something else. Why was it that Olivia felt so comfortable around her? Because there was no expectation? Because she was a kindred spirit? Because she had suffered trauma in her past, just as Liv had? There was no doubt she was attracted to the southern belle. Who wouldn't be? She was smart, funny, feisty and beautiful. But she had been attracted to people before without feeling able to trust them.
Since Lewis, the only person she had managed to open up to in any way was her therapist, and he didn't really count, it was his job to listen to her problems. She had been in a relationship with Brian at the time of Lewis' first attack, and although they had stayed together for a while after she was rescued, she had never felt safe opening up to him about it, and she definitely hadn't felt safe being intimate with him, or anyone else since.
She wondered how the blonde managed it, after all she had been through, how she managed to trust anyone enough to let them touch her like that. The idea of it made Olivia's skin crawl. Amanda had been raped by her superior officer over 5 years ago, yet, given her current condition, the blonde had obviously had at least one intimate encounter with a man fairly recently. Liv highly doubted there was anything immaculate going on, Amanda probably would have mentioned that.
Besides, it was common knowledge that Rollins and Amaro had had a brief fling last year, before Nick had left to go live in California. Her affair with her ex-sponsor in GA, Nate, had, of course, to Amanda's mortification, been publicised in open court.
As a consequence of her mind wandering for most of the day, when it got to 6pm, Olivia still had things to get done before she went home.
Amanda poked her head around the door, coat on, bag in hand, "Hey Liv, you ready to go?"
"Uh, no, sorry," Liv smiled apologetically, "I have to get these finished today so, I'll be another hour or so." She took her keys from her desk drawer, got up and walked over to the shorter woman who hovered in the doorway. Pressing the keys into her hand, she said, "you go home, take the car, I'll take the subway or catch a cab."
"I can wait for you, Liv," the blonde protested, "I'm sure I can find something to–"
"Go. Home." Liv said forcefully, glancing over Amanda's shoulder into the squad room. Seeing that it was mostly empty, she surreptitiously brushed a light hand across her friend's abdomen, looking at her over her glasses with raised eyebrows. "You need to rest Amanda," she said pointedly. "I don't want you passing out on me again."
"Fine," Amanda rolled her eyes, trying to hide her smile. She knew that Liv was just looking out for her and the baby. "But I'm makin' you dinner, so don't be too late."
"Jeez, you got the mom thing down already," Liv grumbled but she also grinned, letting Amanda know she was kidding. "I'll be no more than a couple of hours, I promise."
"I'll hold you to that," Amanda said as she headed out the door.
"Rollins," Liv called to her, and the blonde turned. "If I'm not back in time for Noah's bed time, give him a kiss from me?"
"No problem, Lieu." Amanda winked, then spun on her heel, and left the building. Liv flopped down at the desk, pushed her glasses up her nose and picked up her pen with a sigh.