Carrying the two tea cups carefully into the living room, she handed one to the taller woman, who sat curled up at the far end of the sofa. She took it with a word of thanks and inhaled the steam from the hot drink. "Mmmm. Peppermint?" She asked Amanda.
"Yeah, I've found it helps with the nausea a little," The blonde shrugged, "It's supposedly good for digestion as well."
"Huh," Liv said, noncommittally. "So you are still feeling nauseous?"
"Um, sometimes," Amanda said with a slight frown, "I read that leaflet Dr Mills gave me, and figured out sticking to cold food and drinks before lunchtime helps keep it under control. And this." She brandished her cup at the older woman.
They lapsed into silence, both sipping their tea, somewhat lost in their own thoughts, Amanda could sense Olivia's eyes on her, reminding her of the night Liv asked her about the paternity of her baby. She suddenly got the feeling that the brunette's distracted demeanour throughout the day had something to do with her. Never really one to beat around the bush, she looked directly at her. "What's up, Liv?"
"Hmm?" Liv asked, coming out of her reverie. "Oh, it's— nothing." She dropped her gaze to the cup between her hands, tapping her fingers against the porcelain.
"C'mon, Liv," The blonde wheedled, "you've been in a world of your own all day, something is clearly bothering you. Talk to me, please?"
Olivia sighed and bit her lip, thinking. She looked up at Amanda with wide eyes and a worried expression, suddenly looking much younger than her 45 years. "How do you do it?" She asked in a voice so low that the blonde almost didn't catch it.
When Amanda just looked perplexed at the brunette, Liv began to ramble. "I couldn't… I can't…not since… I'm being ridiculous, he didn't even… Lewis didn't… But I still…" She broke off with a frustrated sigh, roughly combing her fingers through her almost dry wavy locks.
Amanda thought she understood what the older woman was getting at. "Liv, are you trying to ask me how I'm able to have sex after being raped?"
Liv nodded solemnly and silently, her eyes almost pleading for answers.
Amanda sighed. It wasn't an easy subject for her to talk about, but then she supposed, neither was Lewis' attack, and Liv had shared some pretty harrowing stuff with her about that. She liked that their relationship was developing, so she answered as best she could.
"It wasn't that easy," she admitted, "not the first time I did it after. To be honest, it took almost three years before I could bring myself to try. And even then, I was fairly drunk when I did." She shifted in her seat to fully face Olivia, sitting cross-legged with her back against the armrest of the sofa.
"I'd been on tequila which always makes me a little cocky and very horny." She gave a half smile, "I had come to the conclusion that I wasn't gonna let him control my life anymore. I had always had a healthy sex life before him, I enjoyed it, ya know? So I decided enough is enough, I was at the bar with some friends, I'd been hit on all night. I told myself the next person that hit on me, I would say yes and give them a chance. Well it happened, we hit it off, and got it on."
She hesitated wondering how Liv would react to the next part. "I think it might have helped that it was… a woman… that I went home with." She held her breath.
Olivia's eyes widened almost imperceptibly, other than that, there was no reaction, so Amanda continued. "It just felt like there was less pressure somehow. I'm not sure. We were seeing each other casually for a couple of months, but it was never goin' anywhere." She shrugged, "Every time I felt a little more confident, I remembered how good it can feel. I don't know what I would have done if I'd tried it for the first time with a man though."
Liv frowned, mulling over Amanda's words.
Amanda waited in nervous silence for Liv's judgment, to be told she was an abomination, to be kicked out of her apartment for her deviant ways. That's the way these things always go, right? It happened with her mom and her grandparents, even her roommate in Atlanta had told her she was no longer welcome. Although she at least, had insisted it was because her boyfriend, emphasis on the boy, was moving in with her and there was no room for Amanda anymore. Damn straight women. As soon as they hear you are into chicks too, they automatically assume you want to get them into bed.
When Olivia looked back at Amanda, she could see the worry in the younger woman's face. "Don't panic, I'm not judging you. That would be the height of hypocrisy." She assured the blonde.
When Amanda just stared, Liv grinned sheepishly. "I've had my fair share of sapphic romances in my lifetime."
A bubble of hope blossomed in Amanda's chest. Could that possibly mean…?
Before she could read too much into it, Amanda steered the conversation back to the original topic. "I take it that means you and Cassidy never… you know… after Lewis?" Amanda asked, tentatively, wondering if she was getting too personal.
Liv smiled sadly, shaking her head. "No, I couldn't, I was a mess. I know it was difficult for him, our relationship had been mostly… physical, shall we say…" she blushed as she spoke. "Up until that point at least. He tried to be patient and I did get a little better. At first, nobody could touch me at all, but eventually I got to the point where he could kiss or hug me, as long as I could see him approach. I didn't like to be surprised from behind and I was never undressed in front of him again." She stared down at her hands as she picked at her nails, distractedly.
"I just threw all my energy into work, as you know I took the sergeant's exam, got the promotion and rarely went home at a decent hour. Then Brian was assigned to IAB and we saw even less of each other, so in the end we decided to call it a day." Olivia shrugged this time, but Amanda could see the tiniest hint of hurt behind those expressive chocolate orbs.
"After that it never seemed like a priority." Liv said, looking back at the younger woman. "I told you about the cigarette burns last night, but there were other wounds." She closed her eyes, warding off unpleasant memories. "Some have healed well and others… not so well. They don't hurt anymore, but they don't exactly boost my confidence in the idea of someone seeing me naked."
She tried to keep her voice light, like it was a joke, but Amanda could see that it really affected Olivia. She reached and took the older woman's hand from where it lay on the sofa between them, causing Liv to look up into soft blue eyes.
"Hey," the blonde smiled kindly, "the right person won't judge. The right person will see them for what they are, each one shows just how strong and brave you are." She squeezed the hand she held, willing the brunette to believe the words she was saying. "There aren't many people that could go through what you did and not only survive, but thrive the way you have. Look at what you have achieved. Two promotions in as many years, and on top of that becoming the best mom I know. That kid idolises you."
Liv squeezed her hand, smiling and blushing faintly, yet her eyes shimmered with unshed tears. "Well you guys know all about it anyway, it was in my medical report." She shuddered at the memory, "They took… photos… documented everything."
Amanda shook her head. "No, actually, we don't. We never read the file, ya know? We couldn't invade your privacy like that, none of us could. Once we got you back the whole thing got turned over to major cases, partly because it spanned so many jurisdictions, but mainly because we were deemed too close to the investigation to remain impartial." She snorted, knowing that if she, Fin or Amaro had been allowed anywhere near William Lewis after what he had put Olivia through, they would have ripped the asshole limb from limb without batting an eyelid.
"I could have looked," Amanda continued, "but I know if it were me, I wouldn't want the squad knowing unless I was ready to tell them myself."
Liv was momentarily speechless, the affection she felt for her squad upon hearing this increased tenfold. That they all fought their natural curiosity (so much stronger in detectives than most normal people) in order to preserve the last shreds of her dignity made her immeasurably thankful for her friends.
"So what's brought all this on anyway?" The younger woman asked. "Why are you thinking so hard about all this? You know as well as I do there is no set time frame for recovery. You don't have to push yourself so hard, I mean what is it, like a year since Lewis died? It's not that long really."
"I'm not sure why now." Liv frowned, trying to understand her own feelings. "Just lately I've felt… restless, I guess? I mean I have Noah and I love him, he's my world, but I always thought that when I became a mother there would be someone there to share it with," she sighed in resignation. "Not that it matters, with my work schedule and a toddler in tow, dating opportunities are pretty thin on the ground." She got up from the sofa to take her mug back to the kitchen.
Amanda followed the older woman's movements with her eyes, momentarily stunned at the abrupt end to the conversation. Standing, she moved to take her cup away too.
In the small kitchen, it was impossible not to get too close to one another. As the brunette turned to leave, her arm brushed past Amanda's. Before she could stop it, before she could think through what she was doing, Amanda's hand grasped Olivia's as she passed. Pulling the brunette's body flush to her own, the blonde closed her eyes and pressed her lips to the older woman's. They were soft, warm and sweet.
At first Olivia stiffened, taken completely by surprise, but after a second she reciprocated, tangling her slender fingers into blonde tresses at the nape of the younger woman's neck. Liv ran her tongue lightly across Amanda's lower lip, eliciting a small moan from the southern woman, using this to her advantage, Olivia pushed her tongue tentatively between Amanda's open lips. When their tongues met, Liv felt a jolt straight to her core, as though she had just touched a live wire. Shocked at her own body's reaction, the brunette pulled back with a sharp gasp, opening her eyes to find deep blue ones looking straight back.
Amanda stared, desperately trying to read Olivia's reaction to her rash act. There was a questioning frown on the brunette's face as her eyes flickered from one azure orb to the other and back again, rapidly. Amanda took a half step back, lifting her hands to her face, attempting to conceal the furious blush that flooded her cheeks in shame. "Oh god, Liv…" she closed her eyes, unable to face the older woman in this moment. "I… I… Oh god, I'm so sorry, I…" she choked out of her suddenly dry throat, "I don't know what came over me…"
Olivia finally closed her mouth, Amanda saw her swallow and shift her weight to her other foot, but still the brunette said nothing.
Hanging her head and running her hand forcefully through her corn silk hair, Amanda spoke to the floor. "I, uh, I'm gonna go… take Frannie for a walk." She muttered, as tears formed in her eyes. She needed to get out of there. She couldn't face Liv's rejection right now. Without looking at the lieutenant, she hurried past her to the guest room, where she shoved her feet into the first pair of sneakers she could see. She practically ran to the front door, pulling on her down jacket and letting out a low whistle.
Frannie came trotting out of Noah's open bedroom door, greeting her owner in the foyer with a lick to the back of her hand and a wagging tail.
Clipping the dog's leash to her collar, Amanda made a speedy exit, even taking the stairs so she wouldn't have to wait for the elevator. She was in such a blind panic that she didn't hear Olivia call after her.