A/N: Apologies folks, I work at a school and now the kids are back, I've been ridiculously busy with work.
Amanda wanted nothing more than to go and get blind drunk and forget what had just happened. Knowing that wasn't an option, she instead headed towards the park, hoping some fresh air would help her to sort through her turbulent feelings. There was a well-lit path she could follow that was usually quite busy with dog walkers around this time.
As she walked, her mind raced. How could she have been so stupid? She knew that she had feelings for Olivia, had had feelings for her as long as she had known her, but if Olivia didn't return those feelings… She recalled the look on Olivia's face when she'd pulled away. Intense, perplexed, a small line between her eyebrows as she had stared at the smaller woman in front of her. Amanda had taken the frown as a sign of disapproval, maybe even disgust. After all what could she, Amanda, possibly have to offer someone like Olivia Benson?
She was broke, homeless and in debt, and she was pregnant to boot. Olivia wouldn't want her now; she was damaged goods. But she kissed me back.
The brunette had definitely been an active participant in the kiss. Amanda traced her forefinger across her lower lip, following the path Olivia's tongue had taken only minutes before. She smiled to herself slightly at the memory. It may have only been brief, but Amanda knew she would never forget the sensation of Olivia's body pressed up to her own, soft but strong, and those lips, so soft, so sweet, the way they melded with hers, sending sparks flying through her veins.
She couldn't be imagining that connection, could she? Surely Liv had felt it too? Amanda didn't want to consider the alternative. What if Liv hated her now? What if she threw her out? What if she transferred her to a different unit? Her blood ran cold at the thought. SVU meant everything to the Georgian detective, it was the first place she had felt respected, the first place she felt appreciated, the first place she felt cared about, and Olivia was a big part of that.
Her head continued to spin in this vicious cycle as she carried on walking around the park for almost an hour. Eventually the cool early May night air started to get to her. Knowing she would have to face Olivia sooner or later, she reluctantly headed back towards the brunette's apartment.
-x-
As soon as the door had closed behind Amanda and Frannie, Olivia had run to pull it open again, hoping to catch up to the blonde as she waited for the elevator. When she looked down the hall though, Amanda was nowhere to be seen. "Shit." Liv muttered under her breath. She wanted to run after the younger woman, but she couldn't leave Noah.
With a sigh she went back inside, closing the door quietly, then leaning against it. She let her head drop back to the wood with a thud, not caring that it hurt. She was angry at herself for letting Amanda get upset over this. After all she had kissed Amanda back. It was her own reaction that had caused her to jump back in shock rather than the kiss itself. She had enjoyed the kiss immensely, and really wanted to do it again.
What had confused her was how her body felt. She had to admit, even if only to herself, she was turned on. Something she hadn't felt in a long time, not since Lewis, maybe even before then. It was something she never thought she'd feel again. Only half an hour ago they had been talking about how much the idea scared her. But now… the gorgeous southern belle seemed to have awoken something in her, and she couldn't get her mind to process it fast enough to prevent Amanda from taking her reaction as a rejection.
With another sigh, she shoved away from the door, walked over to the living room, and picked up her cell from the coffee table. Quickly finding Amanda's contact, she pressed the call button and brought the device to her ear. She heard the ringing on her phone but she also picked up a buzzing sound nearby. Digging down the side of the sofa cushions, she unearthed Amanda's cell phone, a picture of herself and Noah lit up the screen of the vibrating device. She cancelled the call, dropping both phones onto the sofa in frustration. She pushed both hands roughly through her thick dark locks, clasping her hands together behind her head, she began to pace.
She didn't know what to do. Should she call Lucy to stay with Noah so she could go and look for Amanda? That seemed a bit unfair to call the young nanny when it wasn't a real emergency. Should she call Fin to get him to find her? Then she would have to explain what happened and that would piss Amanda off. No. The only thing she could do was wait and hope the blonde returned tonight.
"Mommy?" Came a small voice behind her, she turned in surprise.
"Hey, sweet boy, what are you doing up?" She cooed softly as she crouched down in front of Noah. Gently stroking his tousled curls back from his face.
"Mommy, I need to go potty," said the little boy, still rubbing sleep from his eyes. Liv smiled. They had recently started potty training, and although he was pretty good during the day, he didn't always wake up at night.
"Good job, getting up to tell me, sweetie," she stood and took him by the hand, leading him to the bathroom. "C'mon, let's go."
When they were done and Olivia was helping Noah back into bed, the toddler looked around, bewildered. "Mommy where Fwannie dog?" He had clearly noticed his furry friend's absence from the foot of his bed.
Liv gave a small smile, "Manna took her for a walk, baby, remember how we told you Frannie has to go potty outside?"
Noah nodded, "dey come home soon?"
Liv felt her heart squeeze painfully, realising she didn't know the answer to that question. "I sure hope so, my love," she said, stroking his cheek now that he was settled in his bed.
"Mommy," The little boy mumbled sleepily, already half asleep once more, "I wuv Manna."
As he faded from consciousness, Liv felt tears prick the backs of her eyes and she whispered, "Me too, sweet boy. Me too." She realised as she said it, that it was true. She did love Amanda. Maybe they had gotten off to a rocky start, but the southern woman had wormed her way into Olivia's heart, despite the many walls the brunette put up to protect herself.
She stayed where she was for a while, sat on the floor beside her son's bed, gently stroking his dark curls while he slept, all the while lost in her own thoughts. Her head snapped up when she heard keys rattling in the front door. She clambered to her feet and made it to the bedroom doorway just in time to see the blonde enter the apartment.
She watched as Amanda locked the door behind her, unhooked Frannie's leash and hung it on the coat rack, followed by her jacket. Every movement was slow and deliberate, the blonde focused intently on every action. Amanda's eyes followed Frannie's progress through the apartment as the pit bull made her way to Noah's bedroom. Only when the dog passed her in the doorway did the blonde spot Olivia stood watching her.
The two simply looked at one another for a long moment, Liv saw Amanda swallow hard and begin to walk forward. The brunette followed suit, until they met in the middle, stood a few feet apart behind the sofa.
"Manda, I…" Liv began, but the blonde cut her off.
"Liv, please," Amanda held up a hand to silence the older woman, "let me speak first?" It came out like a question.
Olivia nodded, moving to lean against the back of the sofa, ceding the floor to Amanda.
"I need to apologise." The blonde began, and when Olivia showed signs of interrupting, she spoke louder, "I'm sorry Olivia, I shouldn't have kissed you like that. It was stupid and reckless and inappropriate, and if you wanna throw me out I completely understand."
"Manda…" Liv tried again, but the younger woman wasn't listening. She had begun to pace the floor between the sofa and the kitchen counter.
"I shouldn't have forced myself on you like that," Amanda continued, speaking faster, sounding anxious, "not when you had just opened up to me and you felt so vulnerable. I'm not even sure why I did it. I'm too impulsive, that's how I got into this mess." She paused, gesturing to her belly, before she carried on. "I mean I'm attracted to you, Liv, I have been for years, I mean, who wouldn't be? You are smart and beautiful and strong and funny and amazing, but I never planned on actin' on my feelings. I know you wouldn't be interested in someone like me and I have nothin' to offer you."
"Manda…" Liv said it a little louder, but the blonde was in full ramble mode now and the floodgates had apparently been opened. She paced faster still.
"The only thing I can think of is that my hormones are going crazy, and I had a moment of weakness and I couldn't help myself. But we can pretend this never happened, it'll all be okay, we can just go back to being friends, or just colleagues if you would be more comfortable with that." A pained look crossed her face at the very thought of losing Olivia's friendship. "Just, please Liv, I beg you please don't make me transfer out of SVU. I was made to do this job; I don't know what I'd do without it. I'll stay outta your way I promise, and I'll be professional, I'll be on time every day…"
Olivia had heard enough. She stepped forward, deliberately blocking the detective's path. Fixing the blonde with a burning look, she took the pale face between her hands and pressed her lips to Amanda's, effectively cutting her off. Amanda's eyes snapped shut, and her hands shot up to grip the older woman's upper arms, as Liv kissed her for all she was worth. When oxygen eventually became an issue, Liv released Amanda's lips but pressed her forehead to the shorter woman's. "It's taken almost four years," growled the brunette, a smirk on her lips, "but I've finally found a way to shut you up, Rollins."