Another health update
The state of my bladder condition has been up and down, and at one point was at it's worst where I had to pee every hour, sometimes twice or three times- I couldn't really go anywhere, I was scared I'd have an accident. Most nights I'd have trouble sleeping because I'd feel like my muscles were just either going to suddenly release or squeeze and I'd wet myself. I was definitely disabled. Thankfully I managed to improve it with gentle bladder training- in case anyone has a similar struggle- Several ultrasounds have been done, of my kidneys, my bladder, my ovaries, several urine tests, and the only thing that was found was that my ovaries were enlarged. And one is much bigger than the other. IDK if the cysts will go away, I hope so cuz it's bad if not. I got a second opinion and that doctor said there's barely a difference in size (which isnt true) and that they're not big enough to cause pressure on my bladder.
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow- more like 6 hours- right after this errand I have to do because I need something for a housing application cuz my landlady, that's right, is evicting me even though I never did anything to my problematic roommate, I never complained about the many things I had every right to, and also even though she threatened me. The hell I've been put through, my suffering, was too much for my partner to witness. It affected his mental health, so we 'mutually' broke up. He needed a break, and I told him he should run from me. I had gotten myself a job that was nice, but the stress triggered my bladder one day, I had to shower which made me late. I was already late before because depression suddenly kicked in and it was pretty bad, and I couldn't get out of bed. I was late too many times. The boss knew I was facing homelessness, but it didn't matter. The constant harassment from this roommate, the discomfort she causes- I never feel ok here, not even when she's gone- It's made me lose everything. We were going to get married. I was finally going to have the family and loving home I deserved and always dreamed of, and now it's gone.
During this time, I joined several servers in search for support, which I found, but I've been kicked out of one, abandoned by several people who volunteered to be there for me, and then kicked from our mutual server cuz me being depressing in the appropriate channel triggered them, ruined the vibe and they had to leave. When channels can be muted and I could've easily been ignored. And the mutual friends of my partner and I? They left too, without even a warning. One of them is having a baby. I've yet to be told by him.
I thought we were friends, and I thought my partner and I were good. But I might be right that things weren't ok when I had to pull him in for a hug when we said goodbye after I visited him last December. He's never asked if I was ok or if there's any update to my possibly might become homeless situation and that's caused a lot of confusion.
Things are sort of looking up, though. I have a plan B, a sublet I could move into if the public housing process takes longer. And I might have an interview date tomorrow which is a thing I have to do and then they'll decided to give me a place or not. After that, I'm gonna get more intense treatment to see if I can shed my suicidal ideation, and heal from these last few months, and hopefully learn to have a reason to live. After that, I'll try to get a job, and change jobs as often as needed til I can apply for grade 5 jobs in the UK so I can move there, cuz I'm feeling like there I'll have a chance to retire. But perhaps I'll move to a state with cheaper rent and retire there. I'm not sure. Let's just see if I survive the next month.
I can't wait to get back to writing. I miss it.
Thank you all so much, the handful of you that have sent good wishes. Thank you to the new followers for reading and doing so! I gotta get ready to do my errand. I'll see you! Take care of yourself.
PS Funny how my life just increasingly got worse right? And I gotta deal with my OCD on top of it all. If I survive, future me better not forget I'm a badass. That's some stupid shit. Love you!