Summary: Promise me that someday when we meet again you'll still be able to smile.
oOo
The call comes from the hospital and Hikigaya Hachiman leaves the office immediately, making a mad dash for his car as he struggles to untie his tie with one hand, his coat fluttering behind him like some sort of cape. Eventually, he gives up the struggle and leaves it to hang undignified, still in a knot, down the front of his crisp, white button-up, even as he makes his way to the hospital at speeds that certainly should have gotten him ticketed if he'd been unlucky.
"Three months," the doctor said, the somber tone of voice at odds with the neutral, almost bored expression on his face. He wonders briefly how many diagnoses this man must have given throughout his career. How many families he has torn apart with only a few words.
He wonders how a man like that is able to deliver the bad news over and over again. Is he immune to the pain of a patient's family? Or does he keep his empathy locked away deep inside of him?
When he enters his wife's room, she is sleeping. He sets down his briefcase, throws his coat haphazardly over a chair, and sinks into the seat that is set up next to her bedside. Despite his efforts to remain quiet, he must not have done a very good job because moments after he has sat down, she stirs and her large brown eyes open. When she sees him, a wan smile crosses her face and she begins to make the effort to sit up, only for him to hold out his hand to stop her.
"Don't push yourself," he says, and his voice comes out raspy and faltering.
"Oh come on, Hikki. I thought I told you years ago not to treat me like I'm made of glass. Honestly, it's not that big a deal."
"But-"
He's not sure how to say the things he wants to say. It's been almost twenty years since they first met, and yet sometimes, she can still make him as tongue-tied as he'd felt that night when she confessed her feelings to him.
His eyes fill with tears and, seeing them, she reaches out to gently squeeze his shoulder.
She gives a small laugh and says, "Honestly, Hikki, aren't you supposed to be the one making me feel better?"
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He's apologizing and he's not really sure for what. Only that he feels this tremendous weight on his shoulders, and these feelings of regret bubbling up in his stomach.
There are still so many things that he wants to do together with her, but it's possible that he'll have to give up on it all now.
And that's the worst feeling. All the promises they'd made to each other while dating, or after marriage. All the cities they had dreamed of visiting together, all the random hobbies that they'd sworn to pick up, even the stupid TV watchlist they'd put together to determine what their nightly entertainment would be.
With a few X-rays and the words of a doctor, all of it goes up in smoke.
Yui speaks up then, her own voice soft and tremulous. "You know, Hikki, I did always have a question for you. A question that I was always too afraid to ask. But I suppose now… well now's a pretty good time to ask anything, right?"
"What's the question?" He asks between hiccups.
"Were you… happy with me?"
He stares at her incredulously through blurry tears. "Are you crazy? What kinda question is that?"
Yui laughs a little. "Yeah, I know. Silly of me right? But I always thought that… well never mind."
It's mind-boggling to him that she would even ask such a question, because of course he has been happy. When one of the prettiest girls in his class confesses their feelings for him, and then tries so hard to mold herself into the type of girl that he likes? When she spends hours reading the light novels that he recommends and never gets bored of watching him play all the games that he likes on Vita-chan?
It shouldn't even be a question that he's been happily married for close to ten years now.
And because he's been so happily married, he also knows his wife. He knows that she wouldn't ask such a question out of the blue; that something or someone must have prompted this line of questioning. He racks his brain to see if he can find the culprit, but try as he might there's not a single instance, nor a single woman that comes to mind that Yui might be worried about.
"What brought that up?" He asks, because there's no chance that he's going to let the topic slide. If Yui had been in perfect health, perhaps he'd chalk it up to a moment's insecurity and then make a mental note to erase those doubts at night. But since there's very little chance that he'll be able to do that again, he needs to know what bothers her.
"Oh, you know…" she replies vaguely, an uncertain smile plastered on her face. "I've just been thinking back to when we first met, is all."
High school feels like a lifetime away from this sterile, darkened hospital room with the curtains drawn and the ubiquitous smell of bleach and air freshener. His memories of their first meeting are fuzzy; all that he can really recall is the burnt taste of poorly made cookies and a phantom throbbing pain in his forehead from where the rolling pin that Yui had thrown at him clocked him. He mentions as much to her and she gives a sheepish laugh.
"Well, you know, I was kinda mad at you because you said that my effort wasn't the thing that would move your heart. You said it was just the thought that counted; that if I gave you store-bought cookies you'd treasure them just the same as if I'd spent hours and hours making them by hand."
"Did I say that?" He wonders aloud, and she nods, giving him the stink eye.
"You were a real idiot in high school, you know that?"
He laughs a little and wonders if the current Hikigaya Hachiman would even be recognizable to himself back then.
"So then, why'd you ask if I was happy with you. Did I… do something wrong?"
Yui hesitates and the smile on her face fades away.
"I did do something, didn't I? But I didn't realize it, whatever I was doing that was hurting you. I promise."
"No no." Yui waves him off. "You haven't done anything. It's just… I guess it's just something that I've always been unsure about because… well because of how things turned out."
"Yui, what are you saying? Can you just… tell it to me straight? We've reached a point where… where I want you to tell me everything honestly. Even if it hurts."
Yui gives him a sad smile and sits up a little against the headboard of the hospital bed, wriggling around until she is comfortable.
"Well, do you remember Yukinon?"
Yukinon.
The nickname evokes images of a woman that he has not thought of in quite some time. In high school, he remembers her as an elegant, rich girl, with a handmade uniform tailored to fit her made from the finest materials rather than stock uniforms that could be purchased in bulk. He remembers long, black hair and piercing blue eyes. A tongue sharper than a scalpel and an appearance more beautiful than the marble sculptures that could be created with one. And most of all, he remembers a tattered smile and a broken farewell, framed against a backdrop of the dying sunset.
These are the things he remembers of Yukinoshita Yukino from his youth.
After graduation, she had moved away from Chiba and they had fallen out of touch. Indeed, they had not spoken since the ten year high school reunion. A brief conversation; a snapshot into her life that he had caught merely a glimpse of. She had taken over an administrative position in her family business straight out of college and had been assigned to oversee their overseas department. New York had become her home, and her Japanese, once top of the class, had noticeably regressed.
That is all that he remembers of Yukinoshita Yukino. He has not seen her since.
"I remember. What about Yukinon… Yukinoshita?" He asks slowly.
Yui stares at him with those large brown eyes that he's lost himself in many a time over the years. She stares and stares and stares so desperately; as if there's some truth that she wishes to dig out from deep within his soul. And he meets her gaze squarely, without a trace of hesitation, because there is nothing to hesitate for.
Whatever it is that she is looking for, she must have found it because the next thing he knows she is smiling at him and reaching over to take his hand in both of hers.
"Nothing. Like I said, I was just thinking back to our youth. Those were… some of the best years after all."
He's not convinced, but it's clear that she's not going to say any more on this topic for the night, so he lets it drop.
The conversation turns to different topics and they talk and talk late into the night. Somehow, he finds himself out of the chair and sitting on her bed with her, until Yui falls asleep against his shoulder and the nurse comes in and scolds him in a hushed voice about the rules and regulations of the hospital.
He slips out of bed with a muttered apology, albeit not without difficulty as Yui clings to him just as she has always done in her sleep throughout the years. And it's not until he places a gentle kiss on her forehead and whispers a few sweet nothings into her ear that he finally manages to extricate himself and gently lays her head against the pillow.
He spends the night holding onto her hand, watching the rise and fall of her chest as she dreams.
oOo
He doesn't really want to make Yui's diagnosis public, but it is impossible to keep it a secret from everyone, especially Yui's circle of friends. They come in droves to see her; she has always been the more outgoing one between them and although even Yui admits that he's much more social than he once was, it's no secret that he still prefers to keep a small close-knit circle of friends rather than the large groups that his wife flits between.
He doesn't remember much of the conversations he has with her friends; they aren't his friends and it is always awkward and more than a little uncomfortable to dance around the topic of Yui's condition. Her friends offer encouraging words along the lines of 'Yui's a fighter she'll get through this' and pats on the shoulder as they leave, and all he can really think about is how utterly sick he feels each time another one departs.
False optimism is even worse than no optimism at all.
Maybe that's why he appreciates the ones that don't offer those honeyed words. Like Miura Yumiko for example.
"I still don't really like you," she'd said bluntly out in the hall as he was escorting her out of the hospital after an hour-long visitation.
"Glad to see that the sun's still rising in the east," he snarks back and she levels her famously intimidating glare at him. It's lost a lot of its potency now that they've both grown up, but he does still take a step or two away from her.
"But for Yui's sake… I put up with you for all these years for Yui's sake. I don't know what she saw in you back in high school, but since you turned out all right I guess she wasn't wrong to pick you back then. And… it's obvious that she couldn't have been happier with you, so…"
"Thanks I guess," he says and he means it, because he knows that in Miura Yumiko-speak, this is her way of acknowledging him. Her show of support.
"So I wanted to let you know…" Miura trails off as she pauses in front of the double glass doors that mark the entrance to the hospital. "I wanted to let you know that Hayato and I… we are here for you. If… you know… you need something from us. Since everything… since all of this has been hard on me… it must not have been any easier on you."
"I appreciate that."
Miura squints at him for a few moments longer, then just nods and stalks out of the hospital as if she's completed some Herculean task and she's seeking her well deserved rewards.
Weeks go by and friends come and go and Yui grows weaker and weaker. Sometimes, he even has to refuse or turn away visitors, if only because Yui is sleeping and he is loath to wake her. After all, she finds it more and more difficult to sleep, there is a pain that resides within her that not even the most potent cocktail of drugs can alleviate.
He wonders if that pain is perhaps not a physical symptom at all.
He spends all of the free time he has at the hospital and watches and waits as the leaves turn orange and red outside. The gorgeous hues of autumn surround him and he opens the curtains to Yui's room in the late afternoons so that the small window might be able to let in some light. It's not too bright close to the evening hours, so it won't hurt her eyes, but it'll be just bright enough for her to see the beauty of nature outside her window. It's supposed to be a happy, perhaps encouraging moment, but all he can really think about is that this might be the last chance she ever gets to see the leaves fall, and that is yet another thing to add to his growing list of regrets which weighs heavily on his mind.
oOo
The day that Yukinoshita Yukino comes to visit is a rainy Saturday in November. The sky is a gloomy gray and rain has been drizzling endlessly since the morning. It is cold enough to wear winter coats outside now, and Yukinoshita turns up wrapped in an expensive, stylish waterproof winter coat that he thinks he might have seen in one of the fashion magazines that Yui used to love poring over.
He isn't expecting her and almost fails to recognize her at first. Yukinoshita has aged gracefully, far better than the two of them, he thinks privately to himself. There are no specks of gray in her hair, and only the barest hint of stress lines marring her face. She is still beautiful, the kind of effortless beauty that would make makeup artists gnash their teeth in frustration. Her eyes still shine with that icy blue intensity and her voice is still clear and breathy, just as he remembers. Her Japanese has returned to its former standards, he thinks to himself as he greets her, or perhaps it has always been just as excellent as it once was in their youth and he was simply mistaken, the last time that they had spoken.
She holds a bouquet of sunflowers in her hands along with a card for Yui, and after only a moment's hesitation he takes her up to the room.
"I think she might be sleeping right now, Yukinoshita-san, so let me go in and check quickly, if that's all right with you."
"Of course, Hikigaya-kun. If the current moment is an inopportune time for a visit, it is no trouble at all for me to return at a later date."
He nods and voices his appreciation for her understanding, then slips inside the room. It is still relatively early in the morning and, true to his suspicions, Yui is still curled up in the hospital bed. They had stayed up late talking the previous night, both as a way to distract Yui from the side effects of the medication and because these conversations are precious. Each and every one of them, etched into his memories forever as he tries his best not to let it show how much he will miss them. How much he will lose when she is gone.
Yui has taken to sleeping on her side lately, saying that it made the pain a little more bearable. Once he sees that she is fast asleep, he slips back out of the room.
"I'm sorry Yukinoshita-san. Yui is sleeping right now and… well, it's not so easy for her to fall asleep nowadays so I would prefer to let her sleep for as long as possible. I'll let her know when she wakes up that you came by, if that's okay with you."
Yukinoshita is agreeing and hands over the sunflowers and the card without much fuss, which he gently places by the door to Yui's room. Expecting that to be the end of it, he's just about to offer to escort Yukinoshita out when she sits down next to him on the hospital bench.
This comes as a surprise to him. In the intervening years between high school and the present, he has always found conversations with Yukinoshita to be awkward, and he has always assumed that Yukinoshita shared this sentiment. But here she is, initiating a conversation despite the fact that it would be very easy for her to simply say her farewells and depart.
"Yukinoshita…san?"
"How are you, Hikigaya-kun?" She asks softly, and he is startled by how gentle she sounds. Startled by how much care she places into her voice. The attachment that they held towards each other had been consigned to history long ago. Or at least that's what he thought, but evidently, Yukinoshita has different feelings on the matter.
"I am fine," he says because that's all anyone can really say in this situation. What else is he supposed to say to someone that he hasn't connected with in years?
They sit together awkwardly for some time, until it grows so unbearable that he finally opens his mouth.
"Uhm Yukinoshita-san, forgive me, but are you waiting for Yui to wake up? I had thought that you would come back some other time."
Yukinoshita shakes her head. "I'm sorry Hikigaya-kun. I did not realize that my presence is bothering you. Would you like me to leave?"
Yes.
That's what he wants to say, because sitting here in this silence with a woman that he has conflicting memories of is weird and uncomfortable and not how he expected to spend his Saturday with Yui at all.
"No, no," comes his verbal response. Unfortunately, it seems as though the social etiquette lessons that Yui had beaten into him when they first began dating had stuck. "I just didn't want you to be wasting your time. I mean, you're a part of the Yukinoshita conglomerate, so your time must be pretty valuable."
Yukinoshita shakes her head at his words. "I'm not… I am no longer affiliated with my family's business, Hikigaya-kun. I suppose that this is technically old news to me, but we have not been connected and I… never publicly announced it. My time is far less valuable than you might think. And besides… lately… when it comes to the two of you…" She trails off, as if realizing that she has said a little too much.
"The two of us?" He asks, strangely curious.
Yukinoshita gives him an enigmatic look.
"My apologies, Hikigaya-kun. Lately, I've found myself reminiscing over the times that we spent together in our youth. Like I mentioned, I've had a lot of time to think and… well, those are memories that I tend to look back on with fondness."
He gives a small chuckle. "That'd make three of us then," he says, and they share a small smile.
"Is that so, Hikigaya-kun? What stands out to the two of you?"
He thinks back to the conversations he's held with Yui; the times they talked about Soubu High and the Service Club and all the memories they'd made together.
"Well there was the toxic waste disposal baking cookies incident," he says and they both laugh. "And then there was the Chiba village trip, and Kyoto, and Isshiki's prom… really too many events to recall properly."
"True enough," Yukinoshita muses in agreement. "Sometimes, I am accused of not enjoying life to the fullest by my sister, but I do not believe that what she says is true. After all, I have all of these precious memories to fall back on. I doubt that she could say the same, with the kind of life she has led."
"Oh? I would have expected that, for someone of your stature, there would be far more exciting and glamorous memories than our misadventures in high school."
Yukinoshita glances at him. "I'm just an ordinary woman, Hikigaya-kun. There's nothing particularly remarkable about my life."
For some reason, he can't help but laugh at her words. She looks a little put off by his laughter, and he rushes to clarify himself.
"I'm not laughing at you, Yukinoshita-san. I was just laughing because, if my memory serves me correctly, the Yukinoshita Yukino that I first met in high school uttered perhaps the exact opposite of those words."
This brought a small giggle of her own to Yukinoshita's lips. "That's true, isn't it?"
Her eyes glimmer with mirth.
"I really thought that I was special, back then."
"I'm sure subconsciously, all of us did. Just how high schoolers are, ya know?"
Their conversation is easy and free-flowing, which surprises him. He hasn't found a conversation partner this easy to talk to outside of his own family. They talk about high school, and they catch each other up on things that have occurred in-between. Of their work, of their personal lives and interests; the topics jump all over the place, with no rhyme or reason to explain them. Yukinoshita at thirty-five, he learns, is still unmarried despite pressure from her parents. She has spent the entirety of her adult life focused on the Yukinoshita family business, although she seems to have finally parted ways a few weeks after her thirty-fifth birthday. This means that she has spent almost a year unemployed, a fact that he finds endlessly amusing.
He wonders briefly why it is so easy to keep the conversation going, how there always seems to be something else to talk about. Perhaps it is their shared history. They did always have a knack for understanding each other. Or perhaps it is because they seem to share many interests. Either way, they speak for nearly two hours before Yukinoshita finally excuses herself, saying that she has plans for lunch, but not before promising to visit again sometime, hopefully when Yui is awake.
When he returns to the room, picking up the flowers and the card on the way inside, he finds that Yui is awake and quietly reading a novel. A quick glance at the cover allows him to make out the title.
The Story of the Stone
He finds it a little surprising that she's reading a Chinese novel, and one of the great classics, of all things, but before he is able to comment she has set the book aside.
"Hikki! Where were you?" Then, her eyes find the bouquet of sunflowers in his hands. "Oh, did you go and buy that for me? I mean, that's really sweet and all but don't you think we have enough flowers here?"
She points to the table opposite her bed, where flower vase after flower vase filled with flowers in varying stages of decay lined the wall like some sort of twisted morbid version of a florist's display.
"Nah. Someone visited you while you were asleep. These are from them."
"Oh? Who was it? Nobody said that they would be coming today, right?"
"Yeah they showed up unannounced. Our old friend. Yukinoshita Yukino."
For a moment, he swears that he sees some kind of flicker in Yui's eyes, but the next moment it's gone and he's convinced that it must be a trick of the light.
"Well, that's surprising! I didn't think Yukinon was even back in Japan! Did she come to visit all the way from America?"
"No, apparently she came back earlier this year. Said that she quit her job at her family's company and everything."
"Oh." For a moment, Yui sounds strangely down, almost disappointed. He's about to ask, but then she says, "I wish I was awake to see her. It's been years, right?"
He chalks up her disappointment to her missing the chance to reunite with an old friend.
"Well, that's fine. She said that she'd be back someday."
Yui visibly brightens at his words, and eagerly takes the card that he holds in his hands.
There is an ever-present smile on her face as she reads through the lines of neat tidy script.
oOo
The next time that Yukinoshita Yukino visits, it is in the evening and Yui is awake. She spends time alone together with Yui in her room. Usually for these types of visitations, he prefers to stay away, since he's not able to keep up with the whirlwind of conversation between Yui and her vast network of friends. But somehow he doubts that a conversation with Yukinoshita would be that difficult to follow, and so this time, he'd made to stay until Yui had given him a weird look and all but shooed him away.
"I wanna catch up with Yukinon. Talk about girl stuff, you know?" And so he gave them the privacy that his wife desired.
He sits in the hospital lobby, in the waiting area for outpatients where there are plenty of seats and reads. It's the same novel; The Story of the Stone.
After all, they've always shared everything with each other. And so he reads about the main character, a boy born into a wealthy family with the looks to match his status. He reads about the two primary love interests; the beautiful, down to earth, pragmatic girl that resembled the traditional Chinese ideal for a wife, versus the ethereal, almost deific girl whom the main character prefers.
He reads and reads and wonders why exactly is Yui reading this book? She has never much enjoyed tragedies, and this is nothing but that.
Before he can finish, there is a light tap on his shoulder. It is Yukinoshita Yukino announcing her presence as she gracefully slides into the seat beside him. He bookmarks his page and closes the book.
"Yo," he says, for lack of a better greeting.
"Evening," comes her reply. Then she glances at the novel in his hands and continues, "I must commend you for your literary taste, Hikigaya-kun. Yet another aspect of you that has grown and matured into something respectable!"
"Hey, I resent that!" I protested. "And besides, it's not like I'm against reading light novels or webtoons, you know? Never underestimate the allure of power fantasy!"
"... My compliments are rescinded."
They bicker and tease each other and for some time, that weight on his shoulders which has been crushing him lightens. The future is still dark; a tunnel where there is only a tiny speck of light at the end, and even that is flickering, on the precipice of being snuffed out. But the present feels a little more bearable, and that's all he really needs in this moment.
It's a small respite, a moment of comfort in this long, drawn out tragedy.
It is well into the night by the time Yukinoshita rises to depart.
"I apologize, Hikigaya-kun, but it's gotten quite late. We should both get some rest."
He checks the time and finds that she is, as per usual, correct. It is nearly midnight.
"Yeah. I didn't even realize how much time had passed."
"Well, time flies when you're having fun, correct?"
"I never knew you to spout clichés, Yukinoshita."
She laughs, "Clichés tend to become nostalgic rather than wearisome as one grows older, Hikigaya-kun."
"I suppose you're right."
They reach the double glass doors of the hospital and Yukinoshita turns to him with a slight bow.
"Thank you for the company, Hikigaya-kun. I enjoyed myself."
He shakes his head. "No, thank you, Yukinoshita. It's… you've made things less difficult for a few hours."
She regards him carefully, a slight shimmer in her eyes. Then, before he knows it, there is a warmth surrounding him as she draws him into a hug. It is a hesitant hug, filled with doubt. There is still some space between them; she is not squeezing him tightly or pressed up against his chest. It's more just an arm wrapped around him than anything else. But it conveys a warmth that he hasn't felt since Yui was first admitted to the hospital and he is grateful for that. So he hugs her back, a little tighter, closing some of the distance that has lingered, perhaps for years.
It is only after they break apart that the twinge of guilt appears; that she covers her face with a curtain of raven hair and doesn't meet his eyes.
They say their goodbyes then and he watches her form disappear into the night.
oOo
The conversations with his wife grow more difficult as time goes by. Her health fails rapidly and it is not long before she is transferred from her hospital room to the ICU. It is harder to visit her there; ICU visiting hours are strict and last only two hours at a time. Most of the time when he is at the hospital, all he can do is stare at her through the window, seeing her lying there with tubes and IV lines stuck in her like she is some kind of pincushion.
Their conversations take on a different tone now. Gone are the lighthearted conversations, the ones that dance around the elephant in the room and pretend that everything is okay. That everything will be alright. That their life together, which they have so treasured, would continue on forever like they always assumed that it would.
These conversations are more difficult.
"I'm scared," Yui confesses in a stuttering quiet voice; one that sends chills up his spine and a ripping searing pain through his heart.
It hurts even worse, knowing that Yui, in front of all of her friends, has put on a brave face talking about how she's going to fight and fight and beat this illness.
But these words that she reserves only for his ears?
What is he supposed to say to her? What kind of comfort could he possibly offer?
He's unable to find any words at all and so the only thing he can do is gently cradle Yui's head to his chest.
"Hikki, I… I don't wanna die."
He squeezes her a little closer. "I… I don't want you to die either."
His response is lame and he laments his own inability to comfort his wife.
"I'm… why is this happening? I've always…. I've always tried to be the best person that I could be. So why…"
He doesn't know the answer. He feels helpless. It makes him angry, this feeling of helplessness. He wants to scream and shout at the top of his lungs about just how unfair all of this is. He wants to cry, to hole himself up in a cave somewhere and never come out. But he doesn't. He tries to remain strong, to provide what modicum of comfort he is able as Yui cries into his shirt. Eventually, she exhausts herself and falls asleep.
That is when he leaves. Goes home to a cold and empty house. The photos, the plushies that Yui loved to collect. When she had bought them, with that beautiful smile on her face, he had thought they were cute, and certainly very suitable for his wife. Now? Now he finds their expressions uncanny, the smiles ghastly bright and fake. Even their marital bed, which he had always found to be a source of warmth and comfort, is now cold and unwelcoming. He dreads lying in it alone with nothing but his thoughts for company, because on those nights he knows that all he will be able to do is stare up at the ceiling and try his absolute damndest to hold back the tears that are threatening to spill over.
Because, he thinks to himself, if he cries here then it would be like admitting defeat. It would be like admitting that… that Yui truly has no hope left. And that is a thought that is abhorrent to him, and so he clenches and teeth and digs his fingernails deep into his palm, so deep that the red crescents are still visible the next morning when he awakens and drags himself into the bathroom and finds himself staring at a red, bleary eyed mess of a human being in the mirror.
That's how everything about their home feels to him. Strange and unfamiliar. He is a stranger in his own home.
Some days, a few of Yui's closest friends join him during visitor hours. There is Miura, Ebina, and Kawasaki. A few of her other friends from various walks of her life. And lastly, Yukinoshita.
There are pros and cons to having visitors. Sometimes it is a blessing to have a distraction. Even the harsh bluntness of Miura or the awkward solemnity of Kawasaki is preferable to the incessant beeping of monitoring devices from all the beds in the ICU, a near constant reminder of inevitability.
Other times, he finds himself resenting their presence. Every second that they spend with Yui is a second lost forever, and he already knows that there won't be nearly enough of those seconds for him. Yui is fading, and fading fast. After one particular visit from Yukinoshita where Yui didn't awaken at all, he offers her a walk around the hospital afterwards. As recompense, he says. After all, since Yui didn't even wake up, her visit would have been for nought otherwise.
"How are you doing, Hikigaya-kun?" She asks in the same quiet voice that he remembers from her first visit as they slip out into the chill of the wintery night.
A full moon hangs above them, shining brightly in the cloudless night sky. He stares up at the heavens as he considers her question.
He is about to answer with his patented "I am fine", but then pauses and thinks better of it. Perhaps it's due to the late evening hours and the exhaustion he feels that makes him a little more inclined towards honesty. Or perhaps he just needs a person to vent to, to release all the emotions that he's kept bottled up for Yui's sake.
"I'm feeling… I'm feeling terribly lost, Yukinoshita." He finally says, doing his best to keep his voice steady as they make their way around the back of the hospital. "She's been with me for all these years. Someone that I know, inside and out. Someone that I love with all my heart. Someone that… that I can't bear to lose. What am I going to do, when she is gone?"
A gust of wind blows through them, the sound of fluttering leaves filling the air. Yukinoshita wraps her coat tighter around herself and he shivers a bit as well, wondering if perhaps he should buy himself a warmer overcoat.
Unfortunately, the thought of buying clothing only brings back more memories of Yui; she had always insisted that she accompany him on clothes shopping trips, declaring that without her sense of fashion, he would be socially excommunicated from all self-respecting members of society. He thought such a judgment to be quite harsh, and it wasn't as if he particularly enjoyed spending hours upon hours becoming a dress-up doll for his wife back then.
But now?
He'd trade anything for those days to return.
"I can't presume to say that I understand completely how you feel at this moment, Hikigaya-kun." Yukinoshita's voice distracts him from his thoughts. "But I think that… in some way, I hold empathy for you."
"I thought you were never married," he replies, a little confused.
"That is indeed true. I have never been in any relationship with the emotional depth required of marriage."
"Then…-"
"Like I said, Hikigaya-kun," she says, and it is easy to tell from her voice that she is firm in her belief for what she is saying. "I do not believe that my feelings back then can even approach your current emotional state. But, that feeling of loss that you are describing… the feeling of directionless wandering… of losing someone precious to you, that is something that I have certainly experienced."
Her words are plain and her voice is matter-of-fact. There is not even a hint of pain leaking out. But somehow there is no doubt in his mind that she is telling the truth. There's something familiar in her voice; something that intrinsically makes him think that yes, Yukinoshita Yukino likely does understand to some extent how he is feeling.
"Then… how did you deal with it? How did you… how did you live on afterwards? That's what I'm scared of the most. That… that somehow I'll have to find a way to get by day after day without her."
Yukinoshita remains silent for some time, and it is this silence that tips him off to the fact that she has paused in her tracks.
When he turns to look at her, he finds her standing still, a slim hand clutching desperately at her chest.
"I… for the longest time, I couldn't move on. It was as if this person had an unassailable hold on my attention. Every day, there would be some reminder of what I had lost. It could be the littlest thing. A book that we had once enjoyed together. A food reminiscent of a meal that we had once shared. Everywhere I looked, I could only find the shadow of this person hanging over me. Something that I could never escape."
"Yukinoshita…"
She smiles at me, but her eyes are glistening.
"But eventually, I buried myself in academics and then work. I found distractions wherever possible. And over the years… ever so slowly… the pain has faded and the wound has scabbed over."
She looks down, twisting the fingers that she held close to her chest into the fabric of her coat. "Sometimes, there'll be moments where the memories come rushing back. Those moments are still just as painful as I remembered them to be when the wounds were still fresh. But those moments have become scarcer as time passes. And I've learned that humans have a remarkable capacity for healing, both from physical and emotional scars. So… for you… I'm sure that, some day in the future, you'll be able to look back at your time with Yui-san and smile."
"That… that sounds…"
"Like terrible advice?" She gives a hollow laugh. "It does. It was the same with me; this terrifying feeling that I'll never be able to find the happiness I once had; that things won't ever be the same again."
"Then did you ever find it? Your happiness?"
A singular tear tracks its way down Yukinoshita's face; a rare blemish that he has only ever seen mar her face once or twice.
"For the longest time, Hikigaya-kun, the answer was no. I searched and searched, but that happiness continuously eluded me. However, nowadays I believe that answer… that answer can change. I have to believe that someday, I'll be able to change my answer. I think everyone who is grieving in some manner needs to have this hope inside them. And that's what I would say to you. Don't lose hope. Don't lose sight of your capacity for happiness."
oOo
The last time that he talks with Yui is barely a conversation. She is awake for no more than five minutes, and he is unsure if she is even lucid, with all the painkillers and drugs that are being pumped through her system.
"Hi-kki," her voice is barely above a whisper, and trembling. Faltering.
"I'm here, Yui." His voice fares no better.
"I… I…" She struggles to form words.
He clenches his fist, digs his fingernails deep into the palm of his hand.
"Shhh," he says quietly, gently squeezing her hand. "You don't have to say anything. I know. You… you've already brought happiness… to so many people, you know that? The nurse was telling me the other day. She said that she had never seen a patient who garnered so much attention… so much love from so many friends and family. So… it's okay for you… you don't have to say anything more. You don't have to do anything else. If you want to just… just rest, you can."
Yui's lips, once full and red, were pale and chapped and painful to look at. But even so, they twitched and curved upwards into some semblance of the happy smile that he had always known.
"Th-ank y-ou," she murmured. Then, as if summoning some residual strength that she had kept stored away somewhere deep within her, she squeezed his hand back.
"Hi-kki… I… loved… you… so… much."
"I know," he says, keeping his voice as calm as possible even as his vision begins to blur. "I love you too."
"And… because… I… love you… I wanted… to tell you… something."
"What is it?"
"Y-Y-Y…" Her breathing is harsh and labored and he tries to stop her. To calm her down. But she refuses him, pushes away all his attempts.
"You… be happy. Go and… be happy without me." she says, her voice stronger and clearer than it has been in months.
"Yui? What are you even saying?"
"I'm… telling… you… to be happy… however that… might look… for you."
"What?"
"Hikki!" Her sudden outburst leaves her breathing ragged and he rushes to calm her.
"All right all right. I'm listening. I'll be happy."
"Promise…me…"
"Okay… I promise."
"Promise me… that… someday… when we meet again… you'll still… be able… to smile."
"I promise."
That seems to do the trick, for Yui settles back against the covers of the bed once more, slipping into sleep with a tranquil smile on her face. It seems as if she summoned the last of her strength for this conversation, and he promises himself that he will remember her words. That… that he'll still keep smiling, even after she's gone. Even after the last torch, that last light in the darkness of the unending tunnel is snuffed out.
The funeral for Hikigaya Yui is well attended. There are too many mourners, so many that he finds himself unable to name even half the guests. It doesn't matter. He stays by the casket until it is wheeled to the cremator room, staring at his wife's face. She looks so peaceful, so serene, lying there. There is no hint of the pain that she suffered through in the final weeks of her illness. He tries his best to burn the image of her likeness into his mind so that, even thirty or forty years into the future, when he is old and gray, he'll still be able to remember the contours and lines that make up her face perfectly. The task is made more difficult because his vision blurs over and over again, but he does his best.
He's had nearly six months to prepare himself for this. Yui has given him far more time than expected, just as she was wont to do. But, he thinks to himself, unless she gave him an eternity, he would never be prepared for their separation.
Then, after the bone-picking ceremony is finished and the urn placed into its final resting place within the grave, all that is left is to say goodbye to the mourners. It's a long and tedious process, but he does his best to maintain his sincerity, exchanging a few words of thanks with each individual, no matter how much of a stranger they may have been.
The last few individuals; her closest friends, linger. Hayama gives him a clap on the back, which he does not appreciate. Yumiko, reluctantly, offers him a hug, which he is slightly more inclined to accept. Kawasaki too, offers him a hug, although hers brings far more comfort than the rest.
In the end, however, it is only Yukinoshita that is left. The final guest.
When he arrives by her side, she is still sitting in her seat, her back ramrod straight, her posture so perfect it would put flight attendants to shame. She is crying quietly. Prettily. Even in mourning, she is still pretty.
Her eyes are red and puffy, but her voice is composed as she greets him quietly. In her hands she holds an envelope, of which he assumes to be the condolence money. He hopes that it's not too much; Yukinoshita is still ridiculously wealthy, even if she has been unemployed for close to a year now.
When he sits down next to her, she hands him the envelope. Her hand trembles and she almost drops the envelope as she hands it off, but he's too distracted to notice. Because when he takes it into his hands and examines it, shock surges through him. It is no condolence money, but instead a letter.
To Hikki.
The words are scrawled across the envelope in his wife's familiar messy script.
"Yui-san asked me to give you this letter," Yukinoshita says, her voice quiet, barely above a whisper.
"...But why? Why couldn't she have given this to me herself?"
Yukinoshita hesitates and her breathing quickens, before she shrugs her shoulders sadly. "I can only postulate, as she told me to never read the letter, and I… I respected her wishes. But I can only assume that she wished for you to read this only after she had passed."
A letter from beyond the grave. He wonders what this means. Why couldn't Yui have given this letter to him personally, while she was still alive? Is there something desperately important to her, ensconced behind this sealed envelope?
He carefully tears open the envelope and unfolds the page inside. It is handwritten, and surprisingly neat. Clearly, his wife spent a lot of time writing it.
To my love,
Heh, that's a weird name to call you, Hikki. I've always called you Hikki, or Hachiman I suppose when you're doing something stupid. But lately, I've had this desire to affirm and reaffirm our relationship. So I'm sorry if I've seemed a little clingy. I hope you'll forgive me; I know you aren't big on public displays of physical affection after all.
Anyways, I suppose I get to write here that if you're reading this, I'll be dead and gone. That's a line that always seemed really cool to me in the books we read and movies we watched. But now that I'm the one writing it… well, it doesn't really feel cool at all. Actually, it doesn't even feel real. I know what the doctors say, but I don't feel like I'm dying. Except that there's this constant pain in my whole body and I have no appetite for food. But I suppose nobody really knows what dying feels like. Who knows? Maybe all of this will be pointless. Maybe the clinical trials will help, and maybe I'll be burning this letter someday.
But just in case, I wanted to leave behind some words that I don't think I could ever say to your face.
You're probably wondering what on Earth I could possibly have to say that I couldn't tell you straight. After all, we made that promise to each other, didn't we? That we would always be unflinchingly honest with each other. I don't know why I could never have this conversation properly with you. I tried, the day we received the diagnosis. But I just couldn't do it.
I mean, maybe all of this is just in my head and I'm overthinking everything. But I've always wondered, as far back as the first time I ever expressed my feelings for you. And now that Yukinon is back, the question is always front and center in my mind.
Hikki… no Hachiman Hikigaya. Am I… am I truly the woman that you wanted, back then? That's the question that I wanted to ask. It's not about happiness throughout the course of our time together; it's easy to tell that you were happy being together with me. You might not be the best at expressing your emotions, but I've been with you for long enough to know that you were happy. The question that I really wanted to know is… would you have been happier with someone else?
It's a terrible question isn't it? I'm dying a little inside just asking it. I mean, how are you ever supposed to answer a question like that? How would you ever know the answer to a question like that? I think that's why I never asked it to your face. Because there was no way for you to give me an answer. And so, really the only thing I can do is write it to you in this letter, so that you might then explore that question and find your own answer.
You might be wondering why I'm so insistent on knowing the answer to this question. So much so that I'm telling you to find the answer for me even though I'm dead.
Part of it is, of course, because Yukinon came back into our lives. Back then, Yukinon was my best friend and seeing her again, just talking to her for a few minutes; it's easy to remember why. Even though so many years separate us, even though we didn't part on the best of terms because the Service Club couldn't survive our relationship, the familiarity; the camaraderie that we'd once built came rushing back instantly. It was so easy to tease her; to joke and laugh and pretend like we were teenagers again. I'm sure you know where I'm going with this, because it was always a point of contention while we were dating. Yukinon and her feelings. I think, with those powers of observation that you loved to brag about so much, you probably realized just how insecure I felt, being the girl by your side when Yukinon was sitting there, perhaps only a few seats away. All throughout high school, until she moved away, I always felt inferior to her. She could hold conversations with you about literature, or ethics, or politics, effortlessly where I struggled to keep up with even the basics. You held so many of the same interests and your worldviews, although both warped, somehow fit together.
And yet in the end, you chose me. Or perhaps… perhaps I tricked you into choosing me.
Do you think that's true?
I always wondered, Hikki, if you would have been happier with her.
And so, the other part of it; the other part of the reason why I'm asking you this question now is because… because I want you to be happy, Hikki. I've seen the look in your eyes as you stare at me. I want to do everything in my power to ease some of that suffering, to wipe away that sorrow and make you smile again. As your wife, it's my duty to do that for you, right?
I want you to be happy Hikki. I want you to move on. Keep me in your heart, Hikki, but if you ever feel like you need to make room for another, don't act all considerate towards me like I know you will. Be selfish about your feelings for once, okay?
I'll ask you again… Hikigaya Hachiman. Would you be happier with Yukinoshita Yukino?
When we meet again… I hope that you'll have an answer to my question.
I love you very, very much.
Yours forever,
Yui
"What… did she say?" Yukinoshita asks once more, with a hesitation quite unlike her in her statement, as he folds up the letter and slips it into the breast pocket of his suit. But he supposes that everyone, on this particular day, is acting a bit strangely.
"...A load of nonsense," he replies without meeting her gaze.
"She always did blurt out the most random of comments," Yukinoshita replied, a hint of bittersweet amusement in her tone.
He feels a surge of anger at the words, despite the fact that he knows they weren't meant pejoratively. But he feels it nonetheless; the need to defend his wife. "Hey. She made me laugh with those comments, so they weren't worthless."
Yukinoshita looks taken aback.
"I never said that they were worthless, Hikigaya-kun. In fact… in fact I am well aware that their value was immeasurable."
The anger dissipates as quickly as it came.
"...Sorry." He mutters.
"It's all right. I understand." She takes another pause, then asks trepidly, "Was there… was there truly nothing of value to you in her letter?"
He glances up at the woman beside him. There are fresh tears forming in her eyes.
"Why does it matter so much to you?" He asks, his tone perhaps harsher than intended.
Yukinoshita recoils slightly at the words. "I just thought… I just thought that you…"
She trails off; shakes her head.
"Never mind."
He feels his neck heat up, an uncomfortable crawling sensation spreading from the base of his neck. There's a heavy feeling in his chest that he can only associate with guilt.
"I… it's not like that, Yukinoshita. I do… I truly do treasure her every word. I just… she wrote some things that surprised me. Some things that I… that I couldn't believe she would write. That's all."
They sit in silence after that for a while, and his thoughts wander back to Yui's letter. There's the bitter taste of disappointment in his mouth. He's not sure if it's because he's disappointed that Yui thinks so little of him as to leave such a letter for him to find after she is gone, or if it's because he's disappointed in himself; that after almost fifteen years of marriage, she is still insecure about his feelings toward her.
It's been fifteen years, but Yui still hasn't let go of this delusion of hers. She still thinks that Yukinoshita Yukino was the girl he truly loved, back in high school.
He pointedly ignores the woman beside him. Perhaps it's a knee-jerk reaction; a way for the contrarian in him to show itself. Yukinoshita Yukino is nothing compared to Yuigahama Yui… right?
Or perhaps he's afraid. Now that he's read Yui's letter, it's impossible to get the thoughts out of his head. And it's too soon. It's too soon to think about… to think about another woman like that. Not even a woman like Yukinoshita Yukino.
And so they sit there, each lost in their own thoughts. He wonders why Yukinoshita does not leave. Surely there are other obligations that she must attend to. But that doesn't seem to be the case, for she sits there right by his side, a silent presence that, despite himself, brings him some modicum of comfort in the otherwise empty funeral home. He's often extolled the value of being alone throughout his life, but in this instance he's glad for the company.
He doesn't want to be alone.
They sit and they sit and they sit until the funeral home director comes by and gently informs them that they will close soon. That jolts them, finally makes them move from the seats that they have sat glued to as if they are Theseus and Pirithous, and he exchanges some words of thanks with the director before the two head out into the blustery cold of the Chiba winter. He draws his coat tighter around himself, wishing for the warmth that Yui always seemed to be able to provide when they huddled together in the cold of winters past. Yukinoshita wraps a scarf around herself, and for a moment, a very brief one, he wonders if Yukinoshita could be as warm and comforting of a presence as Yui once was.
But then he discards the thought because it is too soon. Too soon.
He hands Yukinoshita the customary funeral gift without a word and they exchange a few glances, but no words. He is unsure of what she is thinking and there is an uncertainty in her gaze as well, and they stand there in the cold for some more time, each unwilling or unable to truly say goodbye.
Finally, it is Yukinoshita that breaks the standoff, by offering up her phone to him. He glances at the screen and finds it open to her LINE, her QR code pulled up.
"Please add me to your contacts, Hikigaya-kun," she says and his first instinct is to say no. It's not… it just doesn't feel right. The timing. But then he glances up at Yukinoshita and he sees the look in her eyes. He sees the sorrow and the fear and the loneliness that he feels reflected back in her eyes and wonders if perhaps having one more friend wouldn't be such a bad thing after all.
Yukinoshita sees his hesitation and correctly ascertains the reasoning behind it, without him uttering a single word. The outstretched hand withdraws back into the warmth of her coat and she gives a little nod. He almost opens his mouth to say that he has reconsidered, that he would in fact like her contact information, but she breaks the silence first.
"I understand your feelings, Hikigaya-kun," she says, and he is somewhat grateful to her for that. He is grateful that he doesn't have to make that choice; that he can remain a coward for at least a little while longer.
"Thank you for coming, Yukinoshita."
She gives him a small smile and a nod. "Of course, Hikigaya-kun. Yui was… you were both always very dear to me. I hope that… I hope that we'll have an opportunity to meet again soon."
They stand around awkwardly for a few more moments. He wonders why the sayonara is always stuck in his throat; wonders why he's still standing here enduring the gusts of wind that makes the weather seem even colder than it actually is.
Then Yukinoshita is the one excusing herself, and he feels something like a boulder sink into his stomach. He wonders if this is truly goodbye. Despite the fact that Yukinoshita seems to not have much on her plate at the moment, he knows that someone like her will never be idle for long. He wonders if perhaps, the next time they meet, she will have moved forward with her life, just as everyone else around him; every single person at this funeral is likely to have moved forward.
All while he's still stuck. Stuck in this moment. Stuck picking up the tattered fragments of a dream he'd once held close to his heart. A happy future. The happy ending.
If only life could be a light novel and he the protagonist.
He is still reaching. Searching for those pieces. But all of those fragments had dissipated into the sky.
He wonders once more if maybe he should have taken up Yukinoshita's offer to exchange contacts. But before he's even able to register any regret, he's already watching the taillights of her car pull out of the now empty parking lot. And once she is gone; once there is no light save for the flickering street lamp that is the only source of illumination in this entire parking lot, his strength finally leaves him and he folds over, leaning against the hood of his car, the tears coming thick and fast now.
He cries and cries until he is exhausted; until the tears no longer run and he feels as though he has coughed up an entire lung full of mucus, and his sinuses feel like they're on fire.
He hasn't cried like this in a long time, if ever. He wonders why it hurts even more now. Even more than it did when he was sitting inside that funeral home.
oOo
Haha here's another 10000 words that might never get an ending.