oOo

The days are long and difficult, and each morning he struggles to find the motivation to get out of the cold bed that feels so strange, so uncomfortable to him now. At work, he grits his teeth and pretends he isn't able to hear the whispers of his colleagues as they pass by him.

"Look, look, Hikigaya-kun's already back at work? Wasn't he supposed to take bereavement leave?"

"I feel bad for him. Poor fucker. I can't even imagine how I'd feel losing Akira now, let alone at that age."

"Neh neh, why doesn't Hikigaya-senpai look sad or anything like that? He just looks stoic all the time, like nothing that happened bothers him. Doesn't he care that his wife's gone?"

There's a part of him that wants to quit; that wants to hand in his letter of resignation and find a new job elsewhere. At least then, he wouldn't have to deal with the stares and the whispers. But he's got nothing lined up and, he thinks to himself, if he has to spend weeks upon weeks left alone in the freezing cold of their home, he would rather just stick it out at work. At least at work, there are people around. At least at work, he's got more than just his thoughts for company.

Evenings are more difficult. He pulls overtime whenever he can, burying himself in as many projects as possible. But even then, even when he is so busy that he works late into the night and gets home with barely enough strength to make himself some cup ramen for dinner, he still finds himself unable to sleep, and in the mornings he'll find a racoon staring back at him in the mirror as he prepares himself for work.

Eventually, it gets so bad that his boss forces him to take a week off. He fights against it, of course, but when his boss tells him it's either vacation or being laid off from his job, he chooses the former.

A week alone is a terrifying prospect, and so the first thing that he does is head to the closest liquor store because there's no way, he thinks to himself, no way in any universe where he gets through the week sober.

He's never been much of a drinker before; it was always Yui that picked out the alcohol for whatever parties she hosted. The reminder of Yui, a constant in every single moment of every single day, drives yet another spike into his chest and he adds a couple more bottles to his cart. The cashier gives him a concerned look when he finally checks out and the receipt contains a rather eye-popping number, but he has worked plenty of overtime and had more than enough funds to cover the cost.

He lugs his haul home and, as soon as the door has been closed and locked behind him, begins to indulge almost immediately. After all, he's got a week off. Moderation isn't necessary, not when staying sober means being stuck in a house where every turn he makes, every object he lays eyes on, reminds him of the woman that is lost to him forever. Vomiting up convenience store bento boxes and instant ramen may be terribly repulsive, but at least it means that he doesn't have to think.

To remember.

He prefers it this way, he thinks to himself in a rare moment of lucidity on the fourth day. Or, at least, he hopes it is the fourth day.

He'd rather his physical pain exceed his mental one after all, and hurting himself just enough meant that he could turn his attention to his hangover rather than his memories.

It is on his fifth day of vacation that he receives the LINE message. It's wholly unexpected, the sender of that message, because as far as he is concerned, the two of them are like oil and water.

Hayama Hayato.

His message is long and filled with the vacuous words and false niceties that make them so incompatible. It takes him a geological age to get to the point, but it's finally there, in the last few lines of text. He's inviting him out to a dinner party and, Hayama says, he won't take no for an answer.

Of course, the first response that comes to mind is to say no, if only because he is a contrarian and giving Hayama a big "fuck you" would bring him nothing but satisfaction. It is a fleeting thought however, because as he stares at the growing pile of empty liquor bottles and takeout containers and dirty dishes that litter the once neat and clean countertop of the dining room, he realizes that this is an untenable situation. That, unless his plan is to simply wither away and die in this place that he once called home, something needs to change. And so, even if this "dinner party" turns out to be some sort of revolting one on one therapy session that Hayama's indulgent sense of altruism thinks he needs, he will go.

So in the evening on the sixth day of his vacation, he finds himself cleaning up after himself. He takes his first shower in nearly a week, shaves, and even does his best to comb his hair into something that could pass as socially acceptable if the standards are generous. He wears the clothes that Yui has picked out for him as business casual; the ones that he hasn't worn since before the funeral.

When he arrives at the address that Hayama has given him, he finds himself standing in front of a rather famous local izakaya. It brings back memories; he once tried to book a seat at this very izakaya for his and Yui's tenth anniversary. From that experience he knows that tables are inordinately difficult to book and that sitting on the waitlist could take months before bearing fruit. He's a little skeptical that Hayama has managed a table here on what he assumes to be very short notice.

But when he enters the restaurant and gives Hayama's name, the hostess smiles brightly at him and ushers him in without question.

When he arrives at the table, he is greeted by three people. There is Hayama, of course, who plasters that same insufferably fake smile on his face as he stands up to shake his hand. There is Yumiko who, of course, he also expects as she has not left Hayama's side for close to two decades now. But the third person that sits at the table who rises awkwardly to greet him is a shock to him. For it is Yukinoshita Yukino, looking slightly disheveled and a little uncomfortable as she stands up to make room for him on the inside of their little four person booth.

"Is this everyone?" He asks Hayama, who smiles that smarmy smile he hates so much and gives him a nod.

"Yes. Kawasaki-san said that she isn't able to make it today and Ebina-san is currently overseas. Maybe next time we can have a larger gathering, if that's what you'd like."

Privately he thinks to himself that he would rather be punched in the face than have regular dinner plans with someone like Hayama, but he begrudgingly admits to himself that having recurring social plans might not be so bad, especially if it means that he'll have to keep himself somewhat presentable.

He sits down and glances between Yumiko and Yukinoshita, for even he can sense the tension in the air between these two. Something must have already happened between them, before he arrived. Thinking back, too, he remembers how difficult the relationship between the two was, back in high school. He remembers that conflict was particularly hard for Yui to handle, given they were both her close friends, and he suspects that it likely contributed to the eventual loss of contact between Yui and Yukinoshita.

He takes a moment to chuckle inwardly at this predicament. How is it possible that four people who evidently disliked each other a great deal managed to come together and eat at the same table?

Hayama, as he is wont to do, does his best to smooth things over. But even he could manage no more than to turn the conversation topics towards ones where the two women could interact with some semblance of civility. They discuss their mundane everyday lives, for it seems as if that is the only safe avenue of conversation. Everything else, from fashion to politics to economics to even a fucking debate over Dazai versus Soseki, only leads to disagreements and choice words filled with passive aggression and a silence at the table that is only occasionally interrupted by the soft tinkling noise of the skewers being placed in the skewer container, or the grating, genial conciliatory tone of Hayama's voice.

It's likely the strangest and most awkward meal that he has had in quite a while, and he wonders if he has perhaps made a mistake in coming today. But then again, the food is delicious and having company, even company as frigid and stiff as this one, is always better than nothing at all. So he sticks it out, aided on by a couple of beers and watching amusedly as yet another disagreement between Yumiko and Yukinoshita over alcohol tolerance somehow leads to a drinking competition between the two of them. A competition that Hayama tries his best to divert the women's attention from, to no avail.

It is not until the night is practically over that both he and Hayama realize the predicament that they are in. Stupidly competitive as they are, Yukinoshita and Yumiko are now both drunk. Very drunk. And of course, since Yumiko would always be Hayama's first priority, that left him with a very drunk, tottering-dizzily-around-the-room-if-not-held-onto-tightly, Yukinoshita Yukino.

He's a little averse to this; to Yukinoshita clinging onto his arm for balance and he gently guiding her towards his car. The physical contact is uncomfortably close, indeed she clings to him more like a lover than a friend, but he doesn't complain and soon enough, Yukinoshita is properly settled into the passenger seat of his car. It takes him three attempts to find out from Yukinoshita that she used a ride service app to come today, anticipating that she would be consuming alcohol. And then another two attempts to pry her address out of her, although not before she embarrasses him with a teasing line that, he thinks, comes straight out of a high school romance light novel.

"Oh my, Hikigaya-kun, but I can't be inviting a strange man such as yourself into my home. I'm quite fearful that a beautiful defenseless woman like myself would fall prey to one of your nefarious schemes."

It is such a far cry from the normally put together Yukinoshita Yukino. The one that always speaks so formally and keeps everyone at a distance. In other words, a complete 180 from the Yukinoshita Yukino he spoke with at the hospital and afterwards, at the funeral. He has half a mind to just call a cab for her or something when he finally does manage to cajole her address out of her, but ultimately decides that perhaps it is for the best if he escorts her home safely personally.

Yukinoshita falls asleep sometime during the course of the drive and once he arrives in front of a luxurious looking apartment building, he has to gently shake her awake.

She is initially disoriented upon wakefulness, but after a few moments to gather her bearings, it seems as though she has sobered up because her face turns pink and she hides behind a curtain of raven hair as she mutters her thanks and scurries from the car. He watches her flee with amusement and, in his mind's eye, he sees another moment from ages past. A secret conversation at midnight on the streets of Kyoto, and a similar ending; that of Yukinoshita bidding her farewells quickly and running away into her hotel room before he could even step foot inside.

It's always been funny, he thinks to himself, the way she has always run away when she is embarrassed.

He looks down at his phone when it buzzes. It's a message from Hayama, and it lets him know that he and Yumiko had arrived home safely and inquired as to how he was doing with Yukinoshita. It's the type of message that wouldn't be amiss between friends, but since he and Hayama are not friends goddammit, he simply types an acknowledgement and lets him know that Yukinoshita arrived home safely, making no mention of himself.

He tosses his phone aside after that and is just about to shift gears and prepare to drive home when there's a light tap on his window. It startles him and he nearly hits his head on the roof of his car as he jumps in his seat.

Swearing under his breath, he looks out the window to find Yukinoshita staring back at him apologetically, mouthing something that he cannot hear. He rolls down the window.

"My apologies if I startled you, Hikigaya-kun," she begins but he waves off her concerns.

"No problem. What's up?"

"I-umm… I believe I may have left my purse in your car."

He glances around the car and searches and searches for what feels like ages until he finally locates the damn thing nestled in the corner of the passenger side floor of the car, and so he unbuckles his seat belt and reaches over to grab it and hand it over to her.

He thinks that's the end of the conversation, that Yukinoshita will turn tail and run again, but surprisingly she stands there for a few moments longer.

"Was there something else?" He asks.

Yukinoshita hesitates for only a brief moment before she seems to gather some courage. "And I also wanted to invite you out… to dinner tomorrow. As thanks for taking care of me today. It'll be my treat."

The invitation is wholly unexpected and gives him pause. It's not an unwelcome notion, a dinner with Yukinoshita, presumably without Hayama. It'll definitely be an upgrade over this night. But he pauses all the same because with the way that she has worded her invitation…

He isn't sure if he is simply reading too much into things, or if there will be some expectations that he will be unable to meet.

But the thought of more company isn't an unwelcome one. Any time that he can spend with others, right now, serves as a welcome distraction.

"Well, I won't say no to free food then," he replies. "Where and when?"

Yukinoshita looks surprised at his response, as if she had been expecting to be rejected on the spot, and he, remembering the way she embarrassed him earlier, decides to get a little revenge.

"What, didn't expect me to say yes? I suppose it would be typical of me to refuse the company of others. But for you, Yukinoshita? I think I can make an exception." He says all of this in what he hopes is a lighthearted, teasing voice, side eyeing her in anticipation of her reaction, hoping for some blackmail material.

Instead, Yukinoshita lets out a soft gasp and presses slim fingers to her mouth. Her eyes are watery and she takes a couple steps back.

"D-do you really mean that, Hikigaya-kun?"

It is an unexpectedly emotional reaction and even someone as purportedly dense as he is able to recognize the significance of this moment. The importance of his response. Somehow, he thinks to himself, he knows that his original plan of saying that it was all a joke will likely not go over well.

So instead he says, "You're an old friend Yukinoshita. And…" He hesitates. "And I never got the chance to show how much I appreciated your support when Yui was sick. So yeah. I'll make time for a dinner with you."

Yukinoshita's eyes are still glimmering with unshed tears, but for the first time all evening, there's a tiny, fragile, but genuine smile peeking out on her face and the knowledge that he's the reason for its existence does fill him with some warmth.

"I'll send you the details in a LINE message then," she says, and then holds out her phone with her LINE QR code. It's a moment of deja vu, broken when he quietly scans it with his own phone and finally, Yukinoshita Yukino has been added to his list of contacts.

When that's all finished, Yukinoshita says her goodbyes and, suddenly shy once more, turns around and hastily slips back into her apartment building. He watches her go until her silhouette has disappeared, then finally shifts his car into gear and makes the drive home. When he gets home, he flops down on his bed, suddenly exhausted by all the socializing and the day's events in general.

For the first time since the funeral, Hikigaya Hachiman falls into a dreamless sleep.

oOo

When he awakens the next morning, he finds the LINE message from Yukinoshita.

Greetings Hikigaya-kun, I hope you have enjoyed a good morning. I have made reservations for us at Minokichi at seven PM today. I'm looking forward to our outing together.

He texts back a "Got it, thanks" and gets on with his day. The house is still gloomy and there are still reminders of Yui everywhere he looks, but at the very least, he doesn't feel the urge to forget, to escape. That's what he has been doing, after all, for this past month and a half or so.

Instead, he tries to be productive with his time. He goes to the library for the first time in what feels like an eternity and picks up a novel on recommendation from the pretty college girl with red-rimmed glasses and the kind of cheery voice perfect for customer service who is sitting behind the help desk.

In the afternoon, he even finds the willpower to visit the local mall to buy a new winter coat for the season. By the time he needs to head home to get ready for dinner with Yukinoshita, even he is surprised at how much he has managed to accomplish in a single day.

It's quite something, he thinks to himself, the way that life twists and turns. Less than forty-eight hours ago, he couldn't have dreamed about spending a day outside like today. His plans for the final two days of vacation had been drink, drink, eat, then drink some more. And yet, two days later, he's here standing in front of a mirror and wondering what he's supposed to wear to one of the fancier restaurants that Chiba has to offer.

It's a rather nauseating thought, but perhaps he really does owe Hayama something for setting up that dinner party.

In the end, he settles for clothes that he would wear to work. A turtleneck and some slacks are good enough for him anywhere, and so they should be good enough for this restaurant as well. He briefly hesitates in front of his bathroom mirror, but forgoes a shave.

He arrives at the restaurant a little after seven. The place is certainly busy, although the larger size of the establishment means that it isn't quite as full as the dinner from the night before. Yukinoshita is waiting for him by the entrance, although he nearly fails to recognize her.

It's not really his fault; the fact that he makes it halfway through the entrance before her quiet Hikigaya-kun stops him in his tracks. For the Yukinoshita Yukino that he sees is so very different from the woman that he remembers from the previous night that it stands to reason he would have missed her.

The first thing that he notices as he turns around to face her is that she is wearing makeup. It stuns him speechless; while it is only recently that he reconnected with her, he has still yet to see her wear any makeup. Not on any of her visits to the hospital, certainly not at the funeral, and not the day before either. But there she is standing before him, with rouged cheeks, ruby red lips, and a touch of eyeliner that brings out the color and shine of her gorgeous cerulean eyes. She is wearing a dress, although merely describing it as such would probably constitute as some sort of descriptive crime. Indeed, it would likely be more appropriate to describe it as more of a ball gown type, or maybe a prom dress; so fancy and formal that even just standing next to her makes him feel incredibly underdressed.

There are heels on her feet as well; another surprise that he notices immediately because it brings her up to eye level with him. He is a good five or six inches taller than her, so he knows from experience hearing Yui complain about them that these are very high heels indeed.

It's clear that Yukinoshita Yukino has spent hours preparing for this; has put in an extraordinary amount of effort for this dinner, and this knowledge fills him with a strange cocktail of mixed emotions.

At first, there is only the natural dopamine hit and boost to his self-confidence; the typical emotions that accompany the realization that a member of the opposite sex is interested in him. Of course, Yukinoshita's beauty; the way she manages to turn so many heads while waiting for him at the entrance to the restaurant, directly increases that dopamine hit.

But afterwards comes the guilt. The feeling that he's doing something wrong; it settles into his gut and refuses to leave him alone. He makes eye contact with her several times, but each time his eyes slide away.

They get a small booth in the corner, a ways away from the big raucous groups of diners, which allows for some more privacy. They order drinks, then some food, and it is not until the waitress has scurried away to fulfill their orders that Yukinoshita finally begins to speak.

"Thank you for agreeing to this outing, Hikigaya-kun."

"But of course," he replies, a half smile on his face. "I wouldn't miss the chance to properly catch up with Yukinoshita Yukino. After all, we never got that much time to talk back when… back when…"

He swallows hard, and Yukinoshita rushes to fill the silence.

"Likewise Hikigaya-kun, I would be quite interested to know what has occurred in your life over the past decade or so. After all, I only know the basics from the bits and pieces of conversation we have shared."

The conversation veers off into safer areas after that. They talk about their respective jobs, although they both sound like they're listing off a laundry list of grievances rather than discussing their livelihood.

Yukinoshita makes mention that, now that she has quit her job, she has taken up a hobby in fiction writing, and he mentions in turn that he has dabbled in some art.

It's a cautious conversation. There are unseen boundaries; limits to their conversation that neither of them seem willing to cross. Yui remains unmentioned, which suits him just fine. After all, memories of Yukinoshita Yukino are indelibly etched together with memories of Yuigahama Yui, and that alone is enough to well up a tear or two. He's not sure if he's ready for a full dive into their shared memories, and he's not sure if he'll ever be ready.

He's not sure if he'll ever want to think back to those halcyon high school days, for he worries that the clouds of the present will begin to cover the rosiness of those youthful memories, and he wants nothing less than to mar them.

Their meal arrives and their conversation lags as they sate their hunger, a silence settling over them broken only by an occasional critique of a dish or the gentle clink of cutlery on the plate.

Then, after an order of dessert, their conversation resumes, but this time, it seems as though Yukinoshita is ready to tackle some more difficult topics.

"How… have you been doing, Hikigaya-kun?" She broaches the subject gently, using vague terminology that offers him a chance at misunderstanding. A way out.

He appreciates the gesture, but since he has already made the decision to come out to dinner tonight, he figures that sooner or later this conversation would have to be had.

"I'm… surviving, I suppose," he says. "There can't be a better way to describe it than that."

"I was quite concerned the previous day, you know?" She says hesitantly, as if she's unsure about voicing this observation. "You appeared… you appeared to be fine on the surface, but there were these little indicators of suffering… like the bags beneath your eyes… or the way you'd flinch when one of us brought up our high school days."

"Yeah well, there hasn't been nearly enough time to close the wounds carved into my psyche," he says, his voice deeper. Rougher.

"Is it… is it too soon…?" She hesitates, and he remains silent, prompting her to finish.

Eventually, she seems to muster up the courage to do so.

"Is it too soon for these types of outings? If I… if I were to ask you to meet me for regular liaisons… would that be asking for too much, then?"

It's another question layered with multiple meanings. He glances up at the woman before him, then returns his gaze to his lap.

"I must admit that I find myself wondering exactly what you'd like to receive out of these liaisons. What are you hoping to get?"

"Get? What do you mean by that?" Yukinoshita returns his question with one of her own.

"Are you treating this dinner as a simple catch-up between friends? Or are you perhaps seeing this as… as a date of some kind? After all, I could scarcely recognize you today, at the door. You must have spent… you must have spent hours getting ready. And… were I not so concerned about what you're hoping for from me… I would have likely mentioned that you look stunning tonight."

Her reaction all but confirms it to him. Yukinoshita's eyes go wide and she lets out a little gasp, a sharp intake of breath that is unmistakable despite her hand instinctively rising to her mouth to cover it.

"That's it, isn't it?" He says, now sure of himself. "You want this to be a date… you're hoping for this to be the start of a relationship, aren't you?"

"No I-"

"But what I don't understand, Yukinoshita-san, is why. Why are you even pursuing any sort of relationship with me at all? After all, we've been strangers for years now, decades even. Haven't we?"

Yukinoshita freezes, her gaze unblinking as cerulean eyes bore into his own. The sudden intensity of her gaze freezes him in place. Causes him to second guess himself.

"Haven't we?" He asks again, in a quieter, more unsure voice.

"To me, Hikigaya-kun, you could never be a stranger."

Her voice is barely above a whisper and yet, despite the ambient noise of the restaurant surrounding them, he hears every word perfectly.

"Yukinoshita what do you mean-"

"In all the years since high school, I've sought to recapture those feelings that I once held for you. The warmth, the elevated heart rate, the inexplicable happiness that your company brought. In the intervening years, I tried so hard to replace you, and when I found that I couldn't, that only deepened those self-inflicted wounds that had just scabbed over. You were the only one that ever understood me, that valued me for the reasons that I found value in as well. You were the only person that made me feel like I could rely on someone; the only person that I felt could share some of the burden that I carried."

He's stunned at the candidness of her words. "That's not… that's not how-"

"It seems as though we remember the time we spent together somewhat differently. The time that we spent together in the Service Club."

"We were clubmates. Acquaintances perhaps, but never friends. That is, quite literally, the exact descriptor you gave. And then, after you disbanded the club, our relationship… that chapter of our lives came to a close. You made that clear, didn't you?"

"But you didn't truly believe that, did you? I know that you and Yuigahama-san became a couple shortly thereafter, but…" She stares at him, and he feels a pit forming in his stomach. It's a pit of negative emotions; a medley of regret and bitterness and anger. Something must have shown on his face, because Yukinoshita sounds far less sure of herself the next time she speaks.

"But surely you realized… surely you knew how special I thought you were back then."

"As I said, Yukinoshita-san," he says through gritted teeth. "You made it clear to me that our relationship was at an end."

"But I… I had to disband the club, for if nothing had changed back then, I would never have been able to stand on my own two feet and…-"

"I'm sure you had very compelling reasons to end our relationship. It's been too long now, Yukinoshita-san, so you'll forgive me if I don't quite recollect the details. And it's not as if I blame you or regret how things turned out. After all, I wound up getting together with Yui, and I could never regret something like that."

She lets out a little gasp once more, as if she's been sucker punched in the gut. And perhaps that's the exact effect that his words have on her, he thinks to himself. Now that he knows how she really feels, he's unable to deny that he's choosing his words a little more carefully. A little more vindictively.

"Y-your dedication to Yuigahama-san is admirable. I'm… I'm happy to know that your life turned out so wonderfully."

He gives a little snort. "'Are you? I'm sorry Yukinoshita, but I have a feeling that the word you're looking for is jealousy."

"I… I…" Yukinoshita is stuttering, unprepared for the sudden harshness of his words. The vicious way that he speaks; the intent to make each and every word hurt.

"You pushed me away, Yukinoshita. Why are you here now, after all this time, trying to undo a decision you made all those years ago? Why are you asking for a do-over?"

Yukinoshita's eyes are shimmering now with unshed tears, but she faces him bravely, meeting his gaze squarely. When she speaks up again, her voice wavers, but does not break.

"I am not attempting to undo that decision, Hikigaya-kun, nor am I asking for a do-over. The concept of 'redoing' my life's choices has never occurred to me. It was a mistake, the decision I made seventeen years ago. A mistake that I intend to rectify. But that doesn't mean that I want to just wipe it away. To pretend as if it never happened. I know that things aren't as easy as that."

"If you understand that, then you should also know that you have no right to come here; to ask anything of me at all." He retorts. "I… you…-"

He breaks off, unable or perhaps unwilling to say the words. That he loved this woman, once upon a time. That he had spent all those days in the Service Club, hoping and waiting for the right moment to finally leap across that impossibly wide barrier that separated them.

"I know that!" Yukinoshita's voice suddenly rises, a mixture of anger and bitterness mixing into her normally even speech. "Don't you think I know that, Hikigaya-kun? I've known that I had no right to ever approach you, and I didn't! For all those years that you and Yuigahama-san were happily married, I never stepped into your lives."

"Then why are you here now? Why are you here, asking me for something that you know I cannot give?"

"Because… because I'm selfish." It is here, finally, that Yukinoshita Yukino breaks. The unshed tears spill over, running in rivulets down her face. "You know… you know that I've always had bad timing; made poor choices. All of that is to be expected of me. So I'm going to say these words, even though it's not right. Even though… even though Yuigahama-san has just left us," her voice cracks.

Yukinoshita lowers her head, her right hand lifting to swipe at her eyes. She takes a deep breath, and then returns her gaze to his.

"Perhaps these words are seventeen years too late. But even so, I will say them. No, I must say them." She pauses, her hand clutching the fabric of her dress close to her chest.

"I love you, Hikigaya-kun. I've… I've loved you for a very long time now."

His heart clenches and he balls his hands into fists. He feels his face grow hot and there is a lump in his throat. His brain is mush; he's unable to form a coherent thought. When he finally opens his mouth, the words simply flow without a conscious thought on his part.

"It's been seventeen years, Yukinoshita. Almost half of our lifetimes, and you're only now telling me this? Now that Yui…-" He chokes, takes a moment to regain his bearings. "What did you think would happen? Did you think that I would smile and sweep you up in a hug like some kind of shitty romance light novel?"

"Of course not," Yukinoshita speaks instantly.

"Then what do you expect me to say?"

"I don't expect anything from you. I didn't say those words because I expected something from you, Hikigaya-kun. As you've made clear, it would be far too presumptuous of me to expect anything from you. These are simply words that I owe you. That I've owed to you for all these years."

"So then what?" he asks rather abrasively. "Is that it? Is that all you wanted? To tell me those words? What if I reject you, right now? What if I told you that I never wanted to see you again?"

"I… I would accept your decision, no matter what it is."

He laughs a petty, skeptical laugh. "Really? You'd be okay with it, just like that?"

"I never said that I would be okay with your decision, Hikigaya-kun. If you were to reject me, then I suppose that I would feel much the same way as I did the night the Service Club ended. I would go home, likely on one of the last trains, and cry. Quietly and bitterly, I'd cry until I couldn't cry anymore, until I could confidently say that I've paid for my mistakes in tears. Then, I'd wake up the next day and cry again. And the next, and the next, until it doesn't hurt quite as much."

He squeezes his eyes closed. He doesn't want to see her face, because it's all too easy. He can see it, even with his eyes closed. Her crying face; the way her form shrivels in on itself as she curls up into a ball. He can see the scene that she's described in his mind's eye perfectly. In some ways, it's a familiar sight, or perhaps a familiar experience.

Unfortunately, he knows how she feels. And it's a feeling that he would wish on no one.

"But I didn't say all of that because I desired your pity, Hikigaya-kun." When Yukinoshita speaks again, her voice is full of quiet resignation. "I just wanted to know if there was a chance. If there ever was a chance. If I'd done things a little differently; if I'd been a little braver… would I have been able to be happy?"

When he remains silent, she seems to accept something, even as her posture slumps and she turns away from him.

"I suppose that, at the very least, I can leave with no regrets." She's practically speaking to herself. "It won't fully erase all of my regrets, but at the very least, I can say that I've done everything within my power. My life was always destined to be this way. That fleeting happiness back then really was a dream, after all."

He knows that he's supposed to say something. He feels as though there must be some words that would be appropriate for this situation. That would be able to provide her some comfort. But he's unable to find them.

There are no words that could mend a broken heart, after all.

oOo