Ch 13: Precursor

It's been weeks since Lancelot left, and since then, Perci and Arthur have yet to reconcile.

I have not the slightest idea of what has been said that the two could not talk. With each day, Arthur has become near unbearable with his demands, or at least more unreasonable. One simple mistake, such as grabbing the wrong garment for him to wear, and he has me scrubbing the chamber floors with a bucket and rag. Not only that, a week ago, he had me 'Spar' with him, but I was practically a moving dummy as he whacked me with his sword. I cringed in memory. Bless the soul that invented steel armor.

Arthur's constant inquiries about Perci have been a routine affair. Every day, meals and tasks are met with a question about her. I had yet to actually talk to her since then. I dare not to poke the angry bear, and with what happened with the Griffin, I couldn't blame her. I loathed myself for that, too.

Perci, which I couldn't say much about, has had her share of problems. Aimless wandering, a forlorn look to her eye, and any attempts to have her open up, have been played with a crafty diverted conversation. At least, according to Gwen and Morgana.

She was not faring any better than Arther.

No one knows what happened, only that they had a loud argument, and Arthur retired to his chambers with a hurt look on his face. Perci was more reserved when she surfaced from the room, but according to Gwen, she is the worst off of the two. Hardly eating, soft spoken, a sense of guilt is what Gwen suspects. To hear such things about Perci, is disheartening to say the least, and a Drabble of guilt also sat in my gut.

I knew what could be the cause.

When Lancelot slayed the Griffin, Arthur was amazed, but questioned how he had done it.

While Lancelot had the skill, it did not dispute the fact that Arthur, along with all of the knights he had at his side, had failed, while one could. It was strange, strange enough to have him question Perci, who gave Lancelot her sword, and if there was anything to go off of; it led to Perci lying or refusing to tell the truth about the nature of her sword. Which held magic in it, that much I could tell.

With Perci, Arthur strived to be a softer yet stronger person, whether he knew it or not. And with them at odds with each other, every member of court has felt it. The sneering, the temperament, and punishments he dished out were near unbearable. Now that her influence is gone, his prattish ways have come full force, and everyone is sick of it.

Oh, how much I took her for granted.

Perci has been the only other support I had when it came to my magic, and yet when she pleaded with me to help, I selfishly refused. My cowardice outweighed the faith she had in me, and although I saved Arthur in the end with the help of Lancelot. Had Perci not planted the seed of hope in me, I would not have given Lancelot the magical strength to beat the griffin.

"Merlin!" I jumped, startled out of my thoughts, I turned only to see Gaius hand me a small bottle.

"My goodness, Merlin, I've been calling you." He admonished, his faces turned concerned, "Trouble with Arthur again?"

"No…I mean, yes, but…" I blabbed, trying to find the right words, "it's just…the distance between Arthur and Perci is on my mind…I can't help but feel it's my fault."

"How so?" He turned fully to me, settling his tools to the side on his table. I must have been out of it for awhile, I've nearly forgotten where I was.

"I don't know…" I sighed dismissively, not looking into Gaius' eyes, "Maybe it could have been avoided if I just did what Perci asked of me…protected Arthur from the Griffin."

"But you did." Gaius affirmed, placing a placating hand on my shoulder, but I moved away, not wanting to be placated.

"I did, but had I just done it when she asked right away, then maybe she wouldn't be locked up by Arthur, having her jump out of a window, leading her to give Lancelot her sword, which made-"

"Slow down, Merlin!" Gaius urged me, my breath escalated with anxiety. "I don't fully understand where your mind is going in all of this, but if there is one piece of advice I can give you, it's this; if there is guilt in your heart, seek forgiveness. Talk to Perci if your heart is burdened."

"What if she won't forgive me? It won't fix the entire situation." I asked, feeling like a young boy again. The thought of losing a friend like this was eating at me.

"Then you must prepare for that outcome, not everyone is ready to forgive." Gaius spoke wisely, "However, I have the feeling that Perci is not one to hold onto a grudge."

He raised my hand that held the bottle, and urged me towards the door.

"Go on, that bottle is for Perci, to encourage appetite, Arthur's orders. Fetch Gwen for a plate, and offer her food and ask for forgiveness."

I held the bottle with purpose and looked to him in hope, "Thank you, Gaius."

"Don't thank me yet, Merlin, the hard part has yet to come."

———-

No doubt, if not for Gwen or Morgana's constant presences, I'd have gone mad.

I sat by the window ledge, like I've done all day. My back will suffer from the slouched position I was in, but I couldn't care. Much like I couldn't care for the nice meals for me, or the nice bed in my room, or the fight I had with Arthur…

The fight I had with Arthur has plagued me consistently without fail, in case no one knew.

"Why won't you tell me?"

I knew damn well why I can't tell him, but that doesn't remedy the fact that I hurt Arthur. His face held such a pleading look, and my heart panged in hurt when I shut my heart from.

I couldn't help but remember about one of Piper's sisters, who had a notoriously off and on again relationship. She once told me:

"Wanna know what the greatest relationship killer is? Keeping Secrets…"

I had given her a 'uh, duh' look, but looking back on it now, I'd wish I had listened better.

It sucked, to put it simply. To lie at the only other person you could trust relentlessly, it was a blow to the heart and mind. Arthur had his faults, but had always treated me justly and with care, and I just spat in his face with my lies and mistrust. Perhaps, I'm better suited from a distance, somewhere I can hide and just point Arthur towards the right direction, that way I wouldn't hurt him again…

There was a knock on the door, and shook off the last of my thoughts, "Come in." I answered, adjusting from my slouched position by the window ledge.

Out popped Merlin, who I didn't really want to see, but I decided to let him be.

He held a plate of food with a small bottle, "Just set it down." I said, turning back to the window.

However, I saw in the window's reflection that he stood awkwardly, not leaving like I had expected him to do.

"Is there something you want to say, Merlin?" I drooled out, not up to Merlin's usual antics. He quickly sat down the plate on a table nearby, and wrung his hands around before hiding them behind him.

"Uh, yes, yes, I do…I uh-" he stuttered, and I let out a frustrated sigh, and looked back at him. I couldn't deal with him, I needed some space before I said something I'd regret.

"Forget it, we can-" I said annoyed, but Merlin cut me off.

"No! Please…just let me find my words." He nearly begged me, and I couldn't help but actually listen. His face was anguished, for what reason I did not know, but for some reason I couldn't help but snap out of my loathsome mind.

"What's wrong, Merlin?" I rose from my position by the window, and walked towards him in worry. "Is it Arthur?"

"No, it's not him, or at least, I don't think so? No, it's the both of you-"

"I'm sorry?" Taken aback by his words, I retreated in insult.

"No, I'm the one who's sorry!" He finally blurted out. My eyes widened in surprise at his apology, and my eyebrows arched in confusion.

"What for?" I asked, absolutely lost at where this conversation was going. I carefully approached Merlin again, touching his shoulder. Hoping to ground him from his thoughts. "Merlin, whatever you did to me, you're forgiven. I don't know what happened to cause this, but I don't have anything against you."

"You don't?" He asked, confused, and I squared myself to him, adding my other hand to his shoulder, looking into his eyes.

"Of course I don't, why would I?" I asked, schooling my face to show him I meant it, despite my current mood. "You're the only other person I can trust fully, Merlin."

He took a breath to recollect himself, yet turned away from my gaze, before he spoke his words.

"The only reason you and Arthur are miserable is because of me. Had I just done my job, protected Arthur without question, then you and Arthur wouldn't be so out of sorts…"

"Merlin, I need you to look at me." He reluctantly looked at me, I gave him a reassuring smile, albeit fake, "This was going to happen sooner or later, it was inevitable."

"Are you not mad at me?"

"No, of course not." I affirmed, I stepped back giving him some space. "The argument I had with Arthur…It was bound to happen. He started to question things, and well, I couldn't answer them."

He looked anxious still, yet I couldn't figure out why.

"Merlin?"

"He's worried about you."

Pregnant pause settled in the room, as I absorbed his words carefully.

"He is?"

He licked his lips nervously before continuing, "Morgana has voiced her concerns about you, the lack of appetite, the idleness, and guilt. When Arthur heard about it, he commissioned medicine for your eating." He pointed to the small bottle on the plate of food.

"I see…" I turned away thoughtfully, looking at the small bottle.

A pang of guilt struck me. Arthur was still thinking of me, even when I didn't deserve it.

Merlin, sensing my feelings, spoke out.

"Arthur has been rather…well, he's being a clot pole-" I snorted out a laugh, and Merlin continued with a disheartening smile, "but, he's worried and wants to reconcile with you, he just doesn't know how to approach you."

If Arthur wanted to talk, that's okay, but…I wasn't ready yet.

To talk to him would require some explanation of Riptide, of which I can't. To show Arthur I had a magical monster slaying sword would be a death sentence, and in order to continue on my quest, I kinda need my body in one piece to go on.

However, I also need Arthur's trust to succeed, it's not just protecting Arthur, but to guide him. To allow him to see the good that magic can bring, not just the bad. The tool and shield that it can bring to protect the people, a way to progress in these tough times. The strides I needed to go through to get to that point are many, for that I had Uther to 'thank' for. To reach that point, Arthur would have to take a leap of faith. Not with just anyone, someone he trusts whole heartedly. Gaius has the knowledge, but is too deeply rooted with Uther to reveal his previous practices. Merlin is cowardly. No…that's too harsh to say. He's making strides to protect Arthur, but couldn't take the risks to reveal his powers. His relationship with Arthur is still too young to display such power.

And then, I thought to myself, who has limited power; only able to hold power over the domain of my dad, Poseidon, god of the sea, horses and earthquakes. While it's not quite sorcery, Perhaps revealing my powers might be the turning point for Arthur. If I am to tip the scales of change, then I must take the biggest gamble of my life.

I'll tell him about Riptide, and perhaps the nature of the Greek world.

"Merlin, Thank you." I spoke gratefully, feeling a sense of purpose for the first time in a long time. With a small smile, I continued "I will talk to Arthur, and clear the air between us."

"That is great to hear," he smiled hopefully, "maybe that way my bruises can finally heal."

I chuffed out a laugh, "Good luck with that, Arthur will always find a way to make your body go through the ringer…get some rest, you deserve it,"

Merlin took his leave, and I approached the bottle that he left for me.

Arthur, what a complicated Man, yet so simple.

He was all about being a 'Macho Man'. He loved hunting, was all about the Knights Code, wanted nothing to do with feelings ("feelings are for girls", he said one time). Yet, each side of him has shown that he does have his own soft side. The hunting was his way of providing, gods know I had a growing collection of animal hides in my room. The Knight's Code was a guide for him to make the right decisions, even if he agreed with them or not. He used that with Lancelot. Even with the lack of noble blood in him, Arthur saw the good in Lancelot, and argued with his own father, the King, for his right to be knight. Which spoke volumes to his courage and determination, given his respect for his father. The lack of acknowledging his own feelings is still a 'work in progress' endeavor, but it's not a lost cause. Just because he refuses to acknowledge his own emotions, doesn't mean he has none. I see it every day; his supervision of his knights, the brotherly love for Morgana, his teasing nature with Merlin, his tender love for me…it was there, just hidden away for everyone to see.

Everyone, except for me.

It was strange, having someone who loves and cares for me. Not like Annabeth or Grover, who were Friends in Arms. Mom, who sacrificed her early years for my sake with Smelly Gabe. While everyone I listed were the closest and dearest to my heart, they've never flourished me with such admiration.

Arthur acknowledged my strength, but knew I had limits. Took my word for worth, when others took it and juggled it with others. He saw me for me, and wanted nothing more.

My eyes watered at the thought.

How foolish I was to toy with Arthur's feelings, and take them for granted. With all of the shady stuff I've done behind his back, of course he'd question things. To hide everything from him, I'd be frustrated too if I were in his shoes. To hold your heart in someone else's hand, is to be at their mercy, and Arthur's is in my hand whether I knew it or not.

I must allow Arthur to hold mine, much like I hold his, and relinquish the control I want to hold. Trust in his word, and his wishes. Have faith that his vision for the future is the same as mine.

To be in love is a gift to heart, yet a chain for the soul. Binded with love, yet tethered for the sake of others' own wishes…

What a frightening thought.

I took the bottle and drank it whole.

I'll have to be vulnerable for the first time in my life, yet, even with the sinking feeling in my gut, I knew it is the best chance I have.

——————

Hello again!

I know, I know it's been some time since I last updated, And I have No convoluted reason why I haven't. I just lost interest in the story I had in mind, but after a surprise review popped in my emails, I decided to write up a chapter as soon as I could. The favorites and follows built up over the years since the first chapter have been a huge confidence boost, especially since I had to reread my old chapters to regain some idea of what I was writing (which btw, was hard, there were sooooo many writing errors.)

With that said, thank you for the love and support. I can't guarantee a consistent release for each chapter, however, just know your responses are heard more than ever.

Who knows maybe I can finish this story, and move on to other projects, ones that can one day become original stories (au) and not just crossovers.

But for now, here are some ideas I had for the next project.

ideas I have are as follows:

Sailormoon x MHA

JJK x Bleach

Sailormoon x JJK

Let me know what you want most For me to write next :)

As as always, thank you for all of the support!

-MadamMistery

P.S.

Been obsessed with Epic: the Musical, definitely the most influential in my drive to write again. If you haven't given it a try, please listen to it!