The Light in the Darkness
Chapter 15: The World Goes Dark
Hey everyone!
Thank you to all who reviewed and followed for the last chapter! Really appreciate your support! Thank you for making the last chapter of the story the most reviewed yet!
As always, if you have a reaction to the chapter or have a suggestion as to what I could be doing, please let me know in the comment section. This story is meant for you guys, so let know what you think!
ANYWAY!
13,152 words. I must really love you guys to write you such a long chapter. I'm not really 100% confident how this all came out, but I did my best for everyone.
A lot of tension in this chapter. I won't be relying on the movie's script for this chapter. All of it comes from yours truly. As such, it's going to be very long. Fasten your seatbelts, kids! We're going aboard the Pain Train! God, I cried during some of the scenes here. It was very heartbreaking to write.
It's nice having Lin and Arwen in the story now. They're very fun to write. They're great opposites to Neera. Kind of like her devil and her guardian angel.
Unfortunately, our girl is going to go through a lot today. She's going to reach the point of cracking. As such, as I warned before, this chapter may be a bit long. Apologies in advance.
Let's return to the great love story of our two favorites, Frodo and Neera.
DISCLAIMER: I sadly do not own any aspect of Lord of the Rings. I only own the story, Lin and Neera who tells the story.
Darkness.
That was all I saw after what I had done. After witnessing the brightness of the sky from my light, darkness was the sole thing I saw. In the midst of being in this darkness, never did I see the light again. I just felt heavy and yet incredibly light all at once. But above that, also very comfortable and warm. After releasing all of that light, I thought my entire body would hurt or feel pain equivalent to the Ring's. I was shocked to discover that as I fell to the ground, I experienced no such pain.
If this legitimately was the end, I would prefer being free of pain.
"Why hasn't she woken up, Grandfather?" a familiar voice said. "It's been at least a week. The light should have returned to her by now."
"She's fortunate to be alive, Lin," another familiar voice responded. "She used too much of her power all at once. It could have potentially killed her. In the present circumstances, all we can do is merely to wait for her body to recover."
The first voice sighed.
"I just don't understand why she used that much light energy. She knows it's dangerous."
The second voice chuckled. "Oh, you know your sister better than that, my granddaughter."
The first voice sighed again.
"I merely want her to come back to us. We didn't meet her at Bree, and we've been gone so long. She must have worried sick."
I groaned in pain, blearily opening my eyes to the sharp sunlight coming from the window. Once I opened them, I closed them again to adjust to the light. Where was I? The surface under me felt unbelievably soft. The thing that I was wearing was not my usual Mirkwood fighting garb, but rather a nightgown that was incredibly soft and light in its material.
"Lin?" I said wearily, still being unable to see her fully. "Grandfather?"
Then my vision came into perspective. It was indeed who I thought it was. None of this felt real.
Lin bound her arms tightly around me, leaving me stunned. Indeed, there was no way any of this was real. She had never acted like this before. She never willingly put her arms around me like this.
"I'm so sorry we left you," Lin said, a surprising sense of emotion in her tone. "I swear it will never happen again. I'm so ashamed, Neera. Please forgive me."
After my initial shock, I embraced my sister in return. I had missed her so much in the time we were apart in spite of everything. I had been so worried something terrible might have happened to her.
"I knew something had to have been wrong, Lin," I said weakly. "For once I can scold you for not being on time for something."
And my sister didn't laugh in a genuine manner often. But at this moment, I heard that rare and true laugh of hers. She tightened her embrace, and I was more than happy to oblige. It had been years since she had done something like this.
It had been too long since I had embraced my sister like this. In spite of everything, this was a very pleasant thing to wake up to. I had missed her so much. It had been so difficult to be apart from her for so long.
And then from our embrace, I looked up at him. Emotion flowed through me. None of this felt real to me.
"Grandfather?" I asked.
Then came that warm and kind smile.
"Indeed, my dear. I am here."
Grandfather then came up from his chair and leaned down to embrace me. It really didn't feel authentic to me. I was back together with my family. I hadn't seen them in so long. I had missed them both so terribly. Even though my time in the Shire was wonderful, it didn't stop me from thinking about Lin and Grandfather constantly and wishing they were with me. They were my family. I hadn't seen my family in almost three months. I hadn't seen my father in three months. The separation was too much to bear at times.
But none of that matters. They were here. As I embraced them both, I realized that they were real.
"Haven't I told you never to use that power unless absolutely necessary? You are powerful but you must not be too rash. Using that much light could count as killing yourself. Please be more careful next time."
Yes. This was definitely my Grandfather.
"What happened to you both Grandfather?" I said wearily. I felt so fatigued. "You were supposed to meet us."
Grandfather's face then grew very grim.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Neera."
I waited for him to continue. I had a feeling that whatever he was to say wasn't pleasant.
"I'm afraid you were correct about Saruman, my dear. When Lin and I went to seek his counsel, he revealed his true nature. Sauron has corrupted and poisoned his mind. He is no longer the man I once knew."
"So he has betrayed us, then," I confirmed.
"Indeed," Lin said in frustration. "He attacked both of us. While Grandfather and I had the upper hand, Saruman bested us both. We were barely able to escape with our lives. We had planned to meet you at Bree when this took us by surprise. Saruman's mind has been poisoned and petrified by Sauron. It's almost sad to watch someone so honorable fall so low."
I had sensed darkness flowing through Saruman before. I just didn't know it was a result of him losing his mind. Clearly, Saruman had known about the Wraiths and had helped Sauron along the way to guide them to us.
But at that moment a thought entered my mind. No. Not a thought. The memories of everything that had happened. Bree, Weathertop, the summoning of light, falling into darkness, but above all of that...
Frodo.
Oh, my darling.
How long had I been unconscious?
My heart began racing.
Where was Frodo? Was he alright? Was he gone?
I had to see him. I need to see him.
"Frodo," I said modestly, inevitably recalling everything all at once. I need to discover the truth. Did the Wraiths sway him? Is he alright? Is he alive? Dead? What happened after I released the power of the arrow of light into the dull sky?
I could scarcely detect a heartbeat somewhere in Rivendell. It was faint and calm, but it existed.
Regardless, I need to see for myself. I need to see him.
"Neera..." Grandfather began.
"Grandfather!" I said briskly and out of breath, grabbing his arms. "Where is Frodo? What happened? Where is everyone?"
"Neera..." Grandfather tried again.
"I don't recall anything after I released the light!" I said, practically speaking without stopping at this point. "But he was fading away! I could feel it! What happened to him? Answer me!"
"He's alright," Grandfather chuckled, helping me back on the bed."Thanks to the skills of your mother's kin Lord Elrond, he's beginning to mend."
I almost collapsed again. The relief and the shock and the exhaustion...it didn't matter how overwhelming these feelings were. He was alive. He was going to be alright. I didn't need to know all of the details. Whether or not my light managed to get to him. I didn't care. He was alive. If I wasn't so weary, I would have started crying in relief. I had almost lost him, but he was alive. That's all that mattered.
He was alive.
"But he's still asleep, though. He hasn't opened his eyes at all. Even Lord Elrond believes it's strange that he hasn't awakened yet."
"Then I must go to him," I said, trying to get out of bed. "He needs me..."
But as I was so weak from using so much light, I immediately sank to the floor. I could barely stand up. Grandfather immediately went to the ground and helped me up back into bed.
"Rest assured, my dear. He's not going anywhere. Neither are you. You almost released all the light in your body and your body still needs rest. You can barely stand up on your own, Neera..."
Even so, I didn't care. I would crawl to Frodo's room if I had to. I had to see him.
"Then carry me to his room, Grandfather," I demanded. "Please. I have to see him."
"Why are you so concerned about the state of the Hobbit, sister?" she asked, her tone as cold as ice.
I began to panic. Lin was always unusually perceptive. I couldn't allow her to know what I had discovered about my feelings for Frodo. That I am completely...No. I couldn't think about that.
"Grandfather has just informed you of his current state. Is that not enough for you?" Lin said, digging me further into the hole I had already made for myself.
No, it wasn't. Not even remotely.
"I still need to go see him..."
"No, you do not," Lin said firmly.
So this is how it begins.
"Lin," I said weakly, but sternly. "Get out of my way."
"I'm afraid I can't let you do that, sister," Lin responded.
"With all due respect Lin, this doesn't concern you," I said. "Now get out of my way."
"What have you been doing with that man since I've been away?" she said, acting as if she didn't even hear what I said.
I flinched. I hadn't done anything with Frodo. Despite everything I was feeling, that part was true. She couldn't use that against me.
"I haven't done anything. He's my friend and he needs me. Now, get out of my way, sister," I said, gritting my teeth.
Lin scoffed. "You think you're actually in a condition to make those threats, Neera? You can barely stand up on your own. Now, go back to bed and rest. You're too weak to walk to his room, anyway."
"Lin, this is not necessary. Cease this behavior now. We discussed this," Grandfather said sternly.
"Indeed, we did, Grandfather," Lin responded. "But it is clear that my sister has forgotten what it means to be a descendant of Shasta and a Princess of Mirkwood."
Now, I began to get angry. How dare she make such accusations at me.
"What did you say to me?" I said outraged.
"I believe you heard exactly what I said. I expect you to answer me, Neera."
"Lin," Grandfather said firmly. "Enough. You're making a scene for nothing."
"Are you in love with that man, sister?"
I froze up.
"Well, are you?"
I couldn't speak. I couldn't respond. I couldn't do anything. I merely sunk to the floor.
Even Grandfather seemed stunned by this question.
"Because if you are, you realize that I can't stand by and allow it."
But I still couldn't respond. I hadn't been asked that question before. Even though I knew the answer as clear as day, being confronted with it head on was utterly terrifying. Especially since the person asking it is the one who would make me regret it the most. I was not a solid state, physically or mentally, to have this conversation with her. That was why she was doing it. Because she knew I wouldn't be able to put up a good fight.
What a cowardly move, sister. I thought Father had taught you better.
Lin calmed her aggressive demeanor for a dull moment.
"Sister," Lin said, obvious restrained fury within her words. I could tell she was holding back everything. "Unless I am mistaken about what I have merely said...then I beg your forgiveness."
And in this change within my sister, I changed my mind.
There was no point in denying it to Lin. She had known about my feelings from the very beginning. Even if she didn't, she would have found out upon looking at me when Grandfather spoke of Frodo. Concealing it from her would be an effort in tragic futility. We had been at each other's side since the moment we were brought into this world. As a result, we knew absolutely everything that there was to know about each other. I knew my sister would find out everything eventually. After everything I had experienced with the Wraiths, I was too tired to continue to deny it any further.
"You're not mistaken," I said, looking at the ground. I couldn't bear looking at her.
"Neera?" Grandfather asked.
There was a deadly silence as the words I spoke settled into the room and the comprehension of my sister. It hung heavily. When she eventually spoke, it felt like a sharp noise pierced through the deafening silence, sending a chill throughout the room.
"Say that again," Lin said calmly. Even though I knew her eyes, without looking at them, breathed fire and rage. "Say that once more."
"I said you're not mistaken," I said, daring to look up into her eyes. "You were right from the beginning."
And with these words, I gathered myself off the ground and leaned against the bed. It provided me with the support I needed to say what I needed to say to her.
"I love him."
The terrible silence that followed was even worse than the first. We never broke eye contact and never did I lose my composure. I had known this encounter between us was inevitable. Even though I had tried preparing myself for my sister's wrath, nothing could have prepared me for my real sister. It was hard to maintain my composure within my fragile emotional and physical state. Nevertheless, I could not allow myself to fall apart in front of her. It already pained me enough realizing what I now know. I didn't need my sister to remind me that I couldn't have the one person in my life that I have ever wanted.
"You didn't listen to me," Lin said angrily, looking down at me leaning up against the bed. "I told you at the party. I tried sternly warning you. I told you about the way you were looking at him!"
"You're right," I said bitterly. "I didn't listen to you. There I said it. Are you now satisfied?"
Lin scoffed and shot daggers at me with her eyes.
"Satisfied? Am I satisfied my sister is now in the process of ending up like my mother? Am I satisfied my best friend is now suffering from the Ring of Power? Am I satisfied in regards to any of this? Have you gone mad? Do you even remotely understand what you've done? What's going to happen to you?"
"Lin, enough," Grandfather said, intervening.
But Lin was not having any of Grandfather's words.
"No, Grandfather!" she said in desperate defiance. "Do you recognize what she's done?"
She turned back to me.
"You foolish sister of mine! For the last few centuries, I have tried day and night to protect you! Protect us! Have you forgotten what the curse has done to our family? Done to our mother? Our father? What will it do to us? To you? Have you forgotten all of that?"
I scoffed.
"How could I have forgotten?" I said casually, venom in my voice. I was almost surprised at how I was talking to her. I had never done this. "You merely mentioned every day for the last few centuries, even when it wasn't necessary! Do you honestly think I'm content with this horrifying realization, Lin? Do you?"
"Well, you have forgotten who you are, Neera!"
"I have not forgotten who I am any more than you have in the time we've been apart!"
"I'm bitterly ashamed of you, Neera. How could my sister do such a thing?" Lin said in contemptuous scorn.
"You don't get to be ashamed of my actions, Lin! You're the one who decided to leave! You're the one who decided to go with Grandfather, so you don't get to feel anything. The only one who gets to feel ashamed or otherwise in my actions is me! Not you!"
"Well, then you can convey that shame for both of us then when you're the first of us to die!"
"ENOUGH BOTH OF YOU!" Grandfather's voice roared, sending tremors through the room.
The sky and the day became dark and ominous as Grandfather amplified his voice. The room became black and destructive. The candles in the room became dark as the sky and the wind began to shake the ornaments and curtains. It startled us both. His voice booming and powerful like it would destroy all of Rivendell by the mere sound of it.
"THAT IS ENOUGH! YOU HAVE BEEN APART FOR THREE MONTHS, AND THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT EACH OTHER? YOU ARE SISTERS."
The light came back into the world and the wind calmed. His appearance and tone changed from what it had been before.
"You are sisters," he said once more serenely. "You are meant to stand together, not apart. Perhaps, taking Lin with me was not the best thing for you, Neera. And Lin, perhaps this separation has hurt you more than I expected. Regardless, there is no way to turn back time. You are family. I expect you to treat each other as such."
And with Grandfather's words, I realized my once meaningful relationship with my beloved sister would never be the same. Some part of me always knew it would end up like this eventually. Even though it hadn't been very long, our two separate adventures had changed us. Before I was completely content with Lin being the one in charge. But now, everything felt different. When we went back home, she would torture me with these events for the rest of eternity. The carefree and good days we had together were gone. Even though Lin's paranoia was easy to endure back in Mirkwood, now that we were here, I knew that we could never go back to before.
Lin seemed to calm down a bit. "Neera, I am only trying to protect you. You do comprehend that, yes?"
"Yes, I know."
And it was the eternal truth. Despite everything Lin has put me through the past few centuries, I knew that that was the truth.
"How long have you known?"
I didn't answer.
"Have you been deceiving me from the beginning, sister?"
"No."
"Then tell me this, sister. When did you know?"
No. I would not allow Lin to ruin my memories of Frodo by shaming me. This was already difficult and heartbreaking enough. I knew that this bond we had between him and I would have to end eventually. I didn't need her to tell me. I would not let her take that happiness away from me. I knew that before I realized how I felt and after. None of it mattered. The fact that I love him doesn't matter. It's not enough. I have a life I left to go to the Shire. A family waiting for me. That's my home.
"You can never make that man happy. He's a Hobbit and you're an immortal who is cursed."
But Frodo doesn't exist there.
"So when did you know?"
It still didn't matter.
"Does it even matter, sister? I'm not planning on seeing him again, whether or not he wakes up."
"Is that true? Do you mean that?" Lin said coming closer.
"Neera, you can't possibly mean that," Grandfather interrupted, clearly disturbed by what I was saying.
"It's true, Grandfather. Now that I know what this feeling is, I must distance myself from Frodo."
"Neera, you know you are not a good liar..."
"I am not lying, Grandfather. Whether or not Frodo wakes up does not matter. Lin is right. I must start creating the distance between us now to make it easier on both of us. We were supposed to part from each other eventually. So I need to make that happen sooner than later."
Lin remained pensive about my words. I could tell that what would come next would break me.
"Subsequently make your oath here. You promise you will come back to Mirkwood, and we never speak of this man or what has inevitably happened between you ever again."
"I swear to you."
"Well, then. Recall your promise. When the hobbit awakens, you'll say your farewells and you're coming back home with me to Mirkwood. You'll ne'er see him again, do you understand? Whatever is decided to be done about the Ring, we will have no part of it. You can't be with him. Do you understand?"
My heart constricted within my chest. Everything my sister said severely hurt me. I didn't want to do any of those dreadful things. I would just be confining myself to the miserable life of a prisoner. I knew I would ultimately have to, but that didn't make it any easier. I just couldn't leave him alone.
"I said, do you understand, Neera?"
But I had to remember who I was.
"I understand. I promise you."
A cursed woman with a damned future.
"I swear, Lin."
And Frodo deserves better than someone like me.
While her face continued to say she was unconvinced, she didn't say anything further to press me.
"Good. Meantime, I urge you to abandon the boy. The sooner the better."
Lin vacated the room, but the scorn and foul taste of the quarrel we had had nevertheless remained. I had to hold myself together. I had to be strong. There was no point in mourning for Frodo, just as there was no point in being in love with him. Lin was right. We could never be happy together. I could never make him happy.
"Neera."
I looked up at Grandfather with vacant eyes. I had to hide how I was feeling.
"You can't possibly be genuine about any of that."
I sighed. Clearly, I had not gotten better at hiding anything from my Grandfather in the time we were apart. Lin believed my words because she was so desperate for the return of her control. But Grandfather was different. There was no sense in lying to him.
"No, Grandfather. I don't want to do any of those things, but..." I paused, struggling to get the words out. I would not let Grandfather see my tears. "I comprehend it will kill me to be apart from him, but..."
"Then why are you lying to your sister and yourself like this? Do not throw away your life like this, my granddaughter."
But I wouldn't let Grandfather's words get to me no matter how much I wanted to believe him.
"Because I have let Frodo down. I remain the reason he's like this. And regardless of how I feel for him, she's right. We can't be together. I have to let him go."
Grandfather then sat down next to me on the bed.
"Neera, I understand you are afraid, but I think you're making a mistake."
Afraid doesn't even begin covering it. I was terrified. Terrified of my feelings, terrified of my sister, terrified about the future. But above all that, I was terrified for him. About what would happen when he woke up. He would never be able to live an average life again. That wound would continue to cause him pain and suffering for the rest of his life. The last thing he needed was the person who failed to protect him to be with him. As he is my destined one, I couldn't put him through what so many before had endured. I never wanted to bring him into this world. I never wanted him to hurt.
I couldn't let him experience any more pain.
"Perhaps, Grandfather," I said candidly. "But I have to do what's best for him. He doesn't need to suffer anymore because of me. I have to let him go."
I dreaded what would happen in the next few days.
It would mean it would be time to say goodbye.
Another week went by, and Frodo had still not woken up.
Another week went by, and Lin was indeed worse than she had been when I woke up. Even though after being exposed enough to the sun and moonlight, I still did not feel well. I could walk around Rivendell, but I rarely did it alone. She constantly made sure I never saw Frodo. As she did before, she was always at my side. Before in Mirkwood, I didn't mind her being with me. Now that she was here, I wanted her as far away from me as I could manage. In the rare moments where she left me alone, I never felt like I could do anything. I knew somehow she was watching me. Regardless of whether I was with her or not, I felt isolated and hollow. I just didn't feel like myself. She kept making me try to use the power of the arrows of light, but I couldn't do it. The power that comes from the arrows of light is used through the brightness of the user's soul. Now, my soul felt dark and lifeless. I couldn't have tried making light even if I tried. There was no reason for my soul to be full of light, anyway.
All I desperately wanted was just to be alone. I asked to be alone often. I had been reunited with my sister and best friend and yet I don't feel happy. I don't feel like the missing piece of me is my sister anymore. We used to be inseparable, and I could spend hours on end being with her. Now that we have been reunited, I find myself wanting to be as far away from her as I can be. Now, I just simply yearn to be with my friends. They're still worried sick about Frodo, and they need me. Why can't I see them, Lin? She's just being unnecessarily cruel. But above all, my heart just ached and longed to be with Frodo. I never wanted to let him out of my sight again. I need to be with him.
It's happening again. I'm thinking desperately about him.
I sat on a bench in Rivendell's courtyard, and my thoughts fell to him again. I had somehow gotten away from Lin and was allowed to be alone. Even though I was alone, that just meant that I couldn't run away from my thoughts. I can't forget about him even though I try preoccupying my mind with everything else. But I have to.
At all times, my mind wandered to Frodo. Why wasn't he waking up? Lord Elrond had earnestly assured me that he had carefully removed the shard from the blade from his body. While Frodo would bear the terrible wound for the rest of his life, Lord Elrond told me that he would live. As I could not see Frodo, I had no choice but to ask about his well being from other people. His critical condition had improved and Grandfather had told me that he was extremely lucky to be alive. He said that a few more hours and Frodo would have been beyond reach to be saved. He said that by the grace of Lord Elrond's power, the prayer of Lady Arwen and the power of my light that had temporarily banished the terrible darkness from his heart, he was saved. He said that without our combined efforts, Frodo would be gone forever.
The power of my unconditional love through my light had saved Frodo. That was proof enough that what I feel for him was real. Legends say that Shasta's light shone brightest when she released an arrow at Sauron to protect Isildur. That light was her love in physical form. The light I released to save Frodo was mine. That was enough to show that I couldn't run away from how I felt any longer.
None of it matters. Regardless of how I feel, I will be going back to Mirkwood. He will be going back to the Shire. I will ne'er see him again regardless of whether or not he wakes up. I will have to forget about what we had, what we could have had.
I have to forget about him.
I WILL forget about him.
"Lady Neera," a familiar voice said.
I looked up from the bench to see Samwise Gamgee in the distance. He began walking towards where I was sitting.
"Sam," I said fondly.
I kneeled down to his level and tenderly embraced him.
"We were very worried about you, Lady Neera," Sam said as he promptly returned my embrace. "We couldn't bear losing you or Mr. Frodo. You gave us a right good scare, you did."
"It was never my intention to cause you more pain, Sam. I sincerely apologize. You've all been through enough as it is."
We ended the embrace and I stood up.
"And so have you, my lady!" he said, looking up at me. "But thanks to you, I think Mr. Frodo will be fine now."
At the mention of his name, my heart raced. I shouldn't ask. I knew I shouldn't. But as Sam was so devoted to Frodo he had to be able to give a clearer answer of how he was.
"Have you seen him?" I managed to ask.
"I've hardly left his side, Lady Neera. Mr. Gandalf told me..."
"Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee?" I quoted him, sporting a real smile rather than the false one I had placed when I was around my sister.
"And don't you forget it, Lady Neera!" Sam said proudly.
I laughed. It was a real laugh and not a false one.
I didn't care what Lin would say about this. Seeing Sam made me the happiest I had been in a long time.
"But Mr. Frodo still hasn't waken. It's clear he's doing a lot better than before and I'm relieved for that...but he's still not awake."
So there was no change in Frodo's status after talking to Lord Elrond. I should have known.
"I see," I said as emotionless as I could.
"I don't know why he's still asleep, though. We've been visiting him every day and still, there's no reaction whenever we ask him to come back to us."
Conceivably Frodo's unwillingness to wake up comes from something from within his heart.
Or worse. It is possible Frodo doesn't want to return. After the trauma he had just been through, I would understand. I would be broken-hearted, but I would still understand.
Nevertheless, even though seeing Sam had bestowed me the first happiness in this miserable week, I couldn't stay here with him. I had a feeling Lin was watching me from far away and would be unhappy if she saw me talking with Sam. Sam's was Frodo's dearest friend. She knew that from the party.
"Stay by his side for me, will you, Sam?" I asked, bestowing him a melancholy smile. "I cannot do so, and as such, I must inquire you to keep watch over him."
I turned to leave. It was cold of me, but necessary, nonetheless. I had been foolish to ask about Frodo's harsh condition. I shouldn't have done so in the first place.
But I severely underestimated Sam and his devotion to Frodo.
"Lady Neera," Sam said very hesitantly.
I didn't turn around to meet Sam's eyes. I had had a feeling that this is what he rightly wanted to discuss with me. I couldn't let him see me fall apart. If what he is about to say involves what I think it involves, I will not allow Sam to perceive me lose my composure.
"You have something else you wish to discuss, Sam?" I asked, still not looking at him.
"Yes," he said.
I held myself up. I would not allow myself to be affected by whatever he had to say.
"To be frank, my lady," Sam began. "I've seen the way you look at Mr. Frodo."
I froze. I couldn't move. I knew this was what he wanted to talk about and yet, it still shook me to hear his name out loud. It had been two weeks since I had seen him. Lin had practically never mentioned his name during our conversations, probably in an attempt to get my mind on other things. He was the only thing on my mind. I had tried so hard to forget him and had failed at every try. I had to try to deny it. I had to tell Sam that he was mistaken.
"And I know about your love for him. You don't need to say anything, my lady. Your secret is safe with me. That's not what I came here to say."
But I couldn't say anything to Sam. Even though I had admitted my feelings to myself, I couldn't confirm it to Sam. Then again, I couldn't open my mouth to respond to it. Why can't I just say it?
"I believe Frodo hasn't woken up because you're not at his side. I can stay at his side all I want, but he still hasn't opened his eyes. It's been two weeks Lady Neera and he's still not awake. More importantly, you've been so distant from him. Even someone like me can see how much this cruel separation is hurting you. I think, even asleep, the separation is hurting Mr. Frodo, too. He may look peaceful asleep, but I can tell that even asleep, his heart is calling out to you. He needs you, Lady Neera like you need him."
I didn't respond to him. I didn't even turn around to face him. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't move or even react.
"I can't ask you to tell me what is the matter or why you're avoiding him, Lady Neera. But I know in my heart that Mr. Frodo needs you. So I beg you to go see him."
Sam then left, leaving me with a lot to consider and think about. Sam had never spoken so forcibly with me before. He never begged me for anything. He had always been shy and hesitant to ever speak up or demand anything of me. Clearly, this traumatic and tragic experience with Frodo has left the entire party scarred and unhinged. That's why they were so desperate to do something like asking me to go see him. I'm relieved Sam couldn't see my face. He would have seen my grave weakness and the terrible shock of hearing the state of Frodo.
Sam would never understand even if I explained. None of them would.
I can't see Frodo. I just can't. I have to with difficulty keep my distance. Whether or not Frodo wakes up has nothing to do with me. That can't be true. Frodo doesn't return my feelings, and why would he after what I have done to him? He's incorrect. Frodo doesn't feel that way about me. He's still asleep because of the treatment Lord Elrond gave him. He's asleep. How could he possibly miss me? How could he possibly feel anything while he's unconscious?
Sam is mistaken.
He merely has to be mistaken.
No matter what happens, I will not let Sam's words get to me. I will not go see Frodo in his room. I will honor my promise to my sister and not see him again. Frodo doesn't need me to wake up. It doesn't matter if I'm with him or not. He doesn't need me to be with him to wake up. That's ridiculous. It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter at all.
I kept telling myself that for hours, and yet I ended up here.
Here in his room.
Even though I had told myself I was not going to let Sam's words get to me.
I waited until Lin fell asleep before I came. I couldn't have her questioning me as to why I was leaving my room at this time of night.
The room that they placed him in was quite quaint in comparison to the room they gave me. It was a shame that he wasn't awake to appreciate how beautiful it was. The architecture in here was completely breathtaking. All the statues and features on the walls. The carvings were absolutely divine.
The candles on the other side of his bed were dimly lit. I could hear the water rushing from the waterfall.
I sat down on the edge of his bed. I took in the sight of him.
I had seen Frodo sleeping before and somehow whenever he slept, he always had this peaceful expression on his face. Here, he just looked so calm. I could feel his heart beating softly in his chest, again very calm.
He lay under the covers, arms by his side, resting on a pillow in the center of the back of the bed. His wet and cold clothing had been removed, and he was given silver silk woven garments to wear instead. He looked so peaceful. My heart constricted at the memory of the last time I had seen him. The last time was when he was dying in my arms and fading very far away from me. Face pale and sickly and drenched in sweat. As cold as ice, shrieking in pain. It still haunted me to think about it. During our last meeting, life was being taken from him.
Looking at him now, life had clearly returned to him. I was very grateful to Lord Elrond and Lady Arwen for being able to save him. Even so, he still looked a bit pale. Not as pale as the last time I saw him, but it still looked like he was recovering.
His hair had clearly been washed, but not combed. It looked rather messy and untamed. His pink lips parted open, dry and breathing softly. Even sleeping, he still looked like he had had been through quite an ordeal.
But regardless, he was just as beautiful as the first day I saw him.
What I desired more than anything was to see his eyes. The last time I had seen them they looked unearthly and sickly. Now that he had been saved by Lord Elrond, there was nothing that would cruelly destroy those luminous eyes anymore. Those azure blue eyes that always looked at me with such passionate sincerity and kindness. What I wouldn't give to just gaze into them one more time.
Upon looking at his sleeping form, all of my newly realized feelings came back and hit me like a used dagger. I felt such short-lived happiness upon being with him, but also the tragic memory of what happened on Weathertop because of me came back too. I heard his heartwrenching screams as the blade pierced his chest. I saw the monstrous true forms of the Wraiths all around him, terrifying him, trying to force him to give back the Ring only for him to bravely resist them. All of that overwhelming guilt came rushing back. It was my fault for all of this. He wouldn't be here in this bed in an unknown place if it weren't for me.
But above all of that, just the passionate and intense love that had manifested in my heart. All of the walls I had placed around me to protect myself from feeling attachment or love had been shattered. This man was the culprit for all of that. Now as I looked at him, I remembered everything that I discovered the day after Lady Arwen rode off with him to face the Nine alone. The day I forced myself to realize I had loved this person from the moment I saw him and every moment after.
"Sam asked me to come to see you. He said he is convinced that the reason you haven't awakened is that I haven't come to see you. He says the separation that I have made between us is hurting you just as much as it is hurting me. So here I am to prove him wrong."
It was his fault from the very beginning.
His fault for everything.
"You know," I began, looking at him. "Before we met, I hadn't been like this. From the time I was a child, my father taught me the importance of being calm and collected during a battle. He also told me to apply this technique outside the battlefield as well. He always told me that if I let my emotions get the better of me, my opponent could use that against me. He meant that for both the battlefield and in interactions with other people. Up until now, I have been calm. Patient. Strong. I never had to overthink anything on the battlefield. I never had to worry about anything because of my skills in battle and because I never had to worry about getting hurt. I was content with living my life that way."
I should have stayed in Mirkwood. I should have listened to my sister. I didn't have to worry about anything or anyone but myself and Lin in Mirkwood. Life was simple. Life was predictable. Life was safe. Life was unhappy, but it was safe and predictable. And you just...
"You just had to come into my life and change all that, didn't you, Frodo?" I said bitterly. A tone I had never used with him before.
I laughed miserably. I was glad he was asleep for what I was saying. He would never get to hear any of these words.
"You come into my world and make me forget the lessons I hardened into myself my entire life. You come into my world and make me forget everything I have spent my entire life being afraid of. You come into my world and make me smile and laugh and actually experience joy. Do you know when the last time I laughed was before I met you? It was when Lin and I were children. Before we learned about why we were even born. Before I learned about the curse caused by one woman that sacrificed everything to save the person she loved. Her selfishness has caused so much pain and despair in my family. I told myself I would do everything I could to harden my heart to never feel anything again. For centuries, that is how I lived my life. I was content with that life. I was content with that mindset. It wasn't much, but it was all I had. It was the only anchor I had to protect myself."
And yet now...
"And now..." I gritted my teeth. "Now you're the only thing on my mind, my heart, my everything. I've become an irrational and emotional person because of you. What are you going to do about that, Frodo? Just what do you expect me to do about it?"
I felt the anger I felt at our situation rise up inside me and out into the room.
"I'm so sorry to say all of these things, but it's your fault for how I'm feeling! But you have my heart in a way that I don't understand and I just despise it!" I said anger, sadness, heartbreak, and love all forming into one within my words.
Even though he couldn't hear me or what I was saying, I still felt like I had to clarify what I meant. I didn't hate him. I would sooner hate myself than him. I already did.
"I don't despise you. I could never do that but... You just have this control on my thoughts, my mind and my heart in a way I just can't explain. Though I know why. I know why that is, and I just can't take it. You just have me under this spell and I just... every minute of my life is now spent thinking about you. Loving you. Worrying about you. Feeling sad and happy and angry and alone all at once because you're not with me. Every minute of every day is spent with me thinking about you and how cruel it is that we met under these circumstances."
I started crying.
Until I met him, I never knew such pain, such sadness, such despair.
Or such love.
"I just hate that I've realized that I love you and that I can't have you. I can't tell you why even though you can't hear me. It's just that..."
You can't even begin to comprehend how deeply and how much I love you.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's not fair for me to do this to you. It's not your fault for any of this. It's not your fault for the curse, and it's not your fault for being here. That's all because of me. You were born for my sake. You were born only for the sake of me. Not for your own life."
But none of that matters.
"None of that matters. None of that matters if you don't wake up. I'm telling you this because you can never know any of this. You can never know how I really feel for you. You can never know that the days I spent with you were the only happy days that I have ever known. You can never know how much I cherished every moment that we have spent together. How you have kept me together since we both set off into the wild. Or that because you're like this, I can no longer see or feel the light from the world. You being absent in the world has made it dark and full of sadness. "
I squeezed his hand, lifeless in my own. I brought it to my lips. It may have been warm, but it didn't feel the same.
"I don't know how to explain this. But since that night, the world has just been unimaginably dark and sad. If I were to go into the battlefield, they would easily defeat me. I can no longer see the light and purpose of the world anymore. The light always burned bright inside me because of my spirit. But ever since I met you, that light has been the most powerful that it's ever been. It's not merely my spirit powering the light anymore. It's you. You were always meant to be the reason that the light burned bright. You were meant to be my light in the darkness. You are the light in the darkness and ever since the day we met, you have saved me every day."
"I will never be able to tell you this if you ever wake up..."
Tears escaped my eyes. For the first time in a week, I allowed myself to mourn. Mourn for what we could never have.
"But I love you, Frodo. I love you more than anything in all of Middle Earth. I truly mean it. I hope deep down you know that."
I looked at those parted lips. Those lips that had the tenderest and kindest voice in all of Middle Earth. The voice that always spoke such kindness and spirit whenever he was with me.
I leaned over.
But then I hesitated. No. I couldn't take that from him without his consent. No matter how much I wanted to, it wouldn't be fair for me to do that to him. Instead, I merely leaned my forehead against his, tears falling from my face onto his. If it weren't for me, his life would be so carefree and simple as it once was. If he hadn't met me, he wouldn't be fighting for his life, struggling to wake up. If it weren't for me, he wouldn't be a victim to this horrid and cruel curse of mine. It was my fault for all of this, for everything. His face was so warm like it was mocking me. It was like a punishment.
"Oh, God, Frodo!" I said, tears continuing to fall. "Wake up. Please wake up. If you continue to be like this, then I'll be like this, too. I can't move anymore. I can no longer see the light that the earth used to offer me every day because you're not here. You have become my light, Frodo. Without you, my world will forever be dark and full of despair."
Why does it have to be like this?
"I don't care how you do it," I sobbed. "Just come back to me. Please, Frodo. Wake up."
My tears fell on his face. Of course, there was no reaction from him. It was a fool's hope.
"If you can't come back for me, then do it for your friends, your family, the people who love you. They're suffering as much as I am because you're not here with us. From the moment I met you, you've always been kind and caring. But above all of that, you're a fighter. You've always been a fighter, Frodo. That's why you fought back against the Wraiths. You have to fight this and come back to us. I know you can do it. You have to do this. You don't have to ever forgive me. I promise you will never have to see me again. But regardless, I just want you to come back. Please just come back. Please, Frodo."
"Mui mel. I galad -o mui cuil. Rinn- na nin." (My love. The light of my life. Please come back to me.)
But before I left his room, I kissed his hand one last time and said the forbidden words he could never hear once more.
"Gin melin." (I love you.)
It took all of my willpower to leave his side. I knew if Lin found me here, I would receive her wrath. I couldn't allow Frodo to be disturbed like that.
After everything I've done, I owe him that much.
I did not sleep that night, nor did I return to my room. I just sat in the courtyard closest to his room all night, my head to my knees in a crouch on a bench. I couldn't bring myself to stray very far from him. I know Lin forbade me from going to see him, but I just couldn't stay away.
After leaving him alone once, I knew I could never bring myself to do it ever again. I just can't do it. If she finds me in the courtyard early in the morning, she wouldn't ever have to know about this. The less she knew about this encounter, the better. I had promised her to stay away from Frodo and here I was breaking that promise. Whether or not Frodo woke up is irrelevant. The distance between us would not change. If he stays asleep, I will ne'er see him again. If he wakes up, I will nevertheless return to Mirkwood and then never see him again. My heart felt desolate and my soul felt wretched. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't summon light. For there is no light in the world. Even the moonlight doesn't even feel real. I can't even see or feel it.
There is no light left in the world.
My world will be forever dark without him in it.
"Why do you linger in darkness, young one?" a voice said, bringing me from my despairing thoughts.
I looked up from my crouched position and Lady Arwen standing by the gates, practically shining.
"Mui ladei Arwen," I said in response.
She smiled and began walking towards me.
"You've been here a week, Neera and you have not come to see me," she said wistfully in good spirit. "I have wished to see you since your imminent departure all those centuries ago."
I felt incredibly foolish. She was absolutely correct. It had been a few centuries since I was last here. Lin had not only kept me from my hobbit friends but from one I hadn't seen in years. Why would Lin object to me seeing Lady Arwen? I couldn't think of any reason.
"I sincerely apologize, my lady," I said carefully.
"Ha na- man na see cin, mui mellon," she said warmly with a smile. (It is good to see you, my friend.)
"It has been too long, my lady," I responded.
We then embraced.
"We did not meet again properly, did we?" she teased.
"Not quite my ideal reunion, indeed," I responded, trying to smile.
"I'm sorry you had to return to Rivendell under these circumstances, Neera," she said. "But my father and I are delighted to see you again after all these years."
"Your father looks as stern as ever. I wasn't even certain if he recognized me," I responded.
"My father would never forget you or your sister. How youthful and rambunctious you were at that age. Or how you fell into the waterfall after your sister pushed you in."
I laughed gently at that fond memory. My dear sister was consistently such a troublemaker when we were children. She forced me into the pool near waterfall as a prank. Instead of crying about it, I laughed and splashed around. When Lin came to get me out of the water, I merely dragged her in with me. She was not pleased, but eventually, she gave in.
Would we ever have a happy day like that again?
"Your soul was full of light," she said sadly, gently touching my forehead. "Yet, now I sense a fall of dreadful darkness upon your suffering soul and your kind heart."
I looked away from her. She couldn't see my weakness. I had already troubled Lady Arwen enough because of my mistakes. If she saw the way I was suffering now, it would not be fair. This was not how I envisioned my reunion with Lady Arwen. I had hoped to come back to Rivendell to see her again as an adult rather than as a child. Lin would never allow it though.
"It's nothing important, my lady. I will trouble you any more than I already have."
"You have never been a trouble to me, Neera of the Woodland Realm, Keeper of Light. You do not seem like the carefree child I was fond of all those years ago."
She smiled, nonetheless. She customarily did this when I was a child and came to visit here with Lin.
"The place you choose to exile yourself is as shrouded in darkness as your soul's current state. Why do you allow this?" she asked.
I remained silent, for I did not know what to tell her.
"That small and happy child, that I knew so long ago..."
"She died a long time ago," I said bitterly. "She doesn't exist anymore."
There was a brief silence. I looked back at Lady Arwen, a sadness in her eyes. She began seeing the truth of what I have said. I used to be such a carefree and spirited individual before we learned the truth about ourselves. That was a time that was in the past. There was almost nothing left of that girl that laughed and played in the river after being pushed in by her sister.
"I see. And what was the cause of that?"
"I learned about the curse. The terrible curse that took my mother away from my family. The curse that has bitterly condemned me to a damned destiny, just as it brought despair to so many before me and my sister."
"But that look in your eyes. It is not terrible despair of the curse."
"What is it you speak, my lady?
"It is despair for the hobbit Frodo, is it not?"
I froze in place. She had only regarded me with Frodo once and had already reached that foregone conclusion? How foolish was I to have denied it for so long? Did everyone I came in contact with know about this? When did I get to be so predictable?
Have I always been this predictable?
"How do you know that?" I asked shakily.
"Why do you condemn yourself for an incident of the past? It was not your fault. You are not to blame for the actions of the Wraiths. They were there for the Ring. They would have killed Frodo, and the others had you not come to their aid."
Perhaps that was true. But nevertheless, that doesn't excuse my leaving them alone. If I had been there, I could have saved him from that Wraith's blade.
"Perhaps. But saying I'm not to blame is dishonest. I swore to him I would protect him."
"Neera, you did everything you could for him. Your companions were saved because of you. It was not your fault..."
"No," I said firmly. "All it is my fault. Everything that has happened to Frodo is my fault. If I hadn't come into Frodo's life, none of this would have happened. I swore to protect Frodo at all costs. My Grandfather made me promise him regardless of my fierce oath to keep an eye on him. I let him out of my sight for one moment and now he's like this: still fighting for his life in a bed in a place far away from the home he should be at now. His safety was my responsibility."
I hid my head in my knees once again.
"My beloved friend, my responsibility, my failure, and my fault."
I felt tears pricking at my eyes.
"The only thing that ever brought joy into my life is now gone. Now all I see is nothing but darkness. I'm supposed to be the keeper of light in the name of Shasta. How am I supposed to do that when I feel I would willingly sink into the Earth if it cracked open for all to see. There is no light. Even if we were to move to an area here surrounded by the moonlight, I would be unable to feel it."
Lady Arwen looked in the direction of the moonlight. She could see that even as it shone on me, the light not appear. It was hopeless. My spirit was shattered. The light would not return until my spirit regained its sense of purpose. I had never felt so weak and alone before.
"It's like I'm standing on the shore, my lady. The shore that I've only seen in my father's books and in my grandfather's stories."I smiled sadly at these memories."A huge hurricane is on the horizon, causing the waves of the water to become rough and treacherous. Large and powerful enough to destroy the land and the people on it. And I'm standing there on the shore, unable to move or react to it. I can't do anything to pull myself away from what's about to happen. All I can do is just wait for it to completely tear me apart in the exact same manner that has happened to the others. The same can be said for my lost light. I can do nothing to even try to get it back."
"You love him, don't you?" she asked.
I turned back to her in shock. There was a twinkle in her eyes.
"Don't be so surprised. I could see it in your eyes as you tended to him and insisted to take him as he was dying. He is the reason your soul appears so black now. Not because of the reason you believe. It is the pain from being apart from your beloved. Tell me, does he know you feel this way about him?"
Like with my encounter with Sam, I began to freeze up. I couldn't move. I couldn't respond. I couldn't do anything but stare ahead and away from the person speaking to me.
Then came the same question that my sister asked me.
"Do you love him?" she asked.
Unlike with my encounter with Sam, I would deny it. I don't care if it was a pointless denial. I cannot admit it to anyone.
"It doesn't matter if I do or not."
That was true. Regardless of how I feel for Frodo, I can never ask him to endure this painful journey with me.
"That is not what I asked, young one."
I felt my original resolve begin to fade away from me. I had only ever said it out loud once. Why is it so challenging to say it? Lin had forced me into submission where I tried to bury every emotion so that no one would see it.
"Do you love him?" she asked again.
I've never loved anyone more in my entire life.
It terrifies me.
"Sometimes past the point of comprehension," I managed to force out, feeling the tears sting my eyes again as I tried to force them away.
"Then why exhaust yourself with this guilt? You both do not have much time. You must spend that time together rather than apart. Does he know how you feel about him?" she asked.
"He can never know about how I feel about him. I may not be able to save myself from this curse, but I will not submit him to the same pain as I am feeling. He has already suffered enough at my hands. Shasta's selfishness cost us our chance at happiness. I must not be selfish like she and I must allow him to go back to his old life."
"Yes. The path you were born into is laced with blood and despair. But Shasta is your past. You are not her. You do not bare her faults and decisions."
"I may not be her, but I am destined to repeat her mistake. Once I die, my child will repeat the cycle again. Once I die, he will suffer from grief and die too. I will not put him through that pain."
"You are afraid of your future because of a past that was not in your control."
She brought her hand to my face to turn it to face hers. She wiped a few tears that I had shed and smiled at me.
How was it possible that we were separated for so long and it's like no time has passed at all? I had always felt incredibly close and fond of Lady Arwen. I didn't realize she felt the same way for me.
"Your love for this man doesn't mean you will repeat the past. You are an immortal being, yes, but you are still a living person. You must live, Neera for yourself. Not for your sister, not for the past, but for the future. If you spend one lifetime with him, that is better than spending the rest of eternity without having ever been by his side. Just after the Wraiths vanished, he said your name weakly. In his final moments, his thoughts were of you. I realized then and there that he was your destined one. Whether you know it or not, he must love you in return. Which is why you must go to him. Frodo is your life now. Mirkwood is your survival. If you return to Mirkwood, you will not be living. The sun will never rise again for you if you do. Please, Neera. I implore you as your friend to reconsider. Don't throw away a chance at happiness and love like this."
I sat there completely stunned by her words. I didn't know he was reaching for me even then. Why would he do something like that? How could he even feel anything like that in the state he was in? Why did he say my name in his final moments? Does that mean he feels the same way about me?
Is it as she said?
Could I go back to the Shire with Frodo and live that life with him? Would he allow me to return with him? Would he return my feelings? If he did, I know that I would probably be the happiest woman in all of Middle Earth. That's what I would want. I would want to live with Frodo for as long as I could. I would want to hold him every night as I did the night before the incident at Weathertop. I would want to sing my father's lullaby to him whenever he needed help sleeping. I would want to spend nights talking and laughing with him by the fire. I would want to continue our archery lessons. I would want to sit in his spot in the Shire and watch the stars together and fall asleep in each other's arms on the grass. Perhaps we would have to deal with the prejudice of certain Hobbits, but that wouldn't matter. What would matter would be that we were together. As long as he held my hand and smiled at me as he always did, that would be enough.
That would be the life.
But it's just not a life I was meant to have.
I have to let him go.
"I can't, my lady. I have made up my mind."
A silence befell us.
Her hand fell from my face and she smiled sadly.
"Your decision is yours, Neera," she said. "But I believe that path that you have chosen to embark on is one made of fear. You will not live at all on this path. For it is not a path of living, only one of preservation."
As she left, I inevitably felt the same as when Sam and Grandfather spoke to me.
Hollow.
Devastated.
Broken harshly.
But none of it mattered.
My answer is still going to be the same tomorrow.
And then October 24th came. Had it merely been a few weeks? It felt more prolonged and harsher than that. Even after seeing Frodo, the abysmal darkness in my sorrowful heart didn't fade. The world still looked dark. Even though the brilliant sun in Rivendell on a day like today was objectively lovely, it still nevertheless felt very hollow.
Frodo still hadn't awakened. It had only been a day since I had secretly gone to see him. I had not slept since that night. Lin knew something was amiss and as such, never let me out of her sight. I wanted to spend more time with the hobbits, but she forbid it. I understood she was correct. After we left Mirkwood, I would never see them again.
But regardless, no matter how many times Lin told me to do so, I couldn't forget. I thought about him every minute of every day. Even though I need to forget, he is the only constant thing on my mind. Every emotion and every single hidden thought had to be locked away from my sister. It was shattering my heart to inevitably continue to behave like a mindless puppet for my sister and act like I'm not in unbearable agony.
None of it matters. Even if I am in love with Frodo, even though he's become so precious and dear to me. None of that mattered. All I am is just a cursed woman with a damned future. One that couldn't have Frodo in it. He deserved better than being with someone like me. He deserves someone that can be by his side. Someone that can give him a warm and loving family. A normal life. He deserved all of these things.
His future wife could do all of those things, but she could never love Frodo more than I do.
She doesn't exist.
"Well, I suppose it doesn't matter," Lin said simply. "We'll be heading back to Mirkwood soon after this council meeting. You both will never see each other again whether the boy wakes up or not...Neera, are you even listening to me?"
"What?" I said mindlessly. I had learned to tune her out. She noticed this often, and she got very angry with me when I did it.
She didn't have time to scold me this time, however.
"Lady Neera! Lady Neera!" a voice yelled out.
I looked up from my conversation with Lin. Sam was running eagerly across the small bridge to where we were sitting comfortably. He was very out of breath.
"Sam?" I said, rising from my spot on the bench and walking over towards him. "Sam, what is it? What's the matter? Are you hurt?"
He was running so fast that he had to rest himself on his knees to catch his breath.
"No, Lady Neera," he said, breathing heavily and yet there was a smile on his face. "I'm perfectly fine. More than fine now!"
What does he mean?
"Mr. Frodo's awake Lady Neera! He woke up just a few moments ago! He's with Mr. Gandalf right now in his room!"
I dropped the book I had been merely pretending prior to read to get Lin to leave my side.
My blood ran cold. My heart felt like it would constrict my entire body. In the beginning, I felt such relief and happiness at the news that I thought I might start crying. But then I realized that Sam had been right in what he had said to me. Frodo had been waiting for me to come to see him. Even in sleep, he wanted me by his side. But why? Why would he want to see me after what happened? Does he know that I desperately want to see him too?
Why did Sam have to tell me this front of the person I am putting on an act for?
"He's been asking to see you, Lady Neera! He's in good spirits and is even smiling! It might take a little while for him to walk again, but he's awake, Lady Neera!"
If Lin had not been there, I would have raced after Sam to Frodo's room. If he really was awake, I wanted to see him.
But Lin would not allow me to do such a thing.
"That's quite alright, Samwise," Lin said kindly, her cruel hand appearing on my shoulder. Her emotional tone may have been happy, but I could tell her intentions were cold. "Neera and I have a business together now, but I'll send her by later."
You're such a liar, sister.
Just how cruel could she be?
"Very well, my lady. I didn't mean interrupting you both you know? But please, Lady Neera. I know Frodo really needs you right now. Please come as soon as you can."
No matter how much I wanted to shove my sister's hand off my shoulder and run to his room, I knew I couldn't do that. No matter how desperately I wanted to see him, I couldn't disobey my sister again. Even though Sam's hypothesis was true, it didn't matter.
"Lady Neera," he said solemnly, bowing low to me. "Thank you. Thank you for honoring my request. Thank you for saving, Mr. Frodo."
Frodo. I'm sorry, but it has to be this way. I cannot ask you to return my feelings. I cannot possibly ask you to grant me that request. You deserve far better than me. Even if you feel the same about me, which I doubt, I still can't ask you to be with me. Now that he's awake, Lin will want to leave for Mirkwood as soon as possible.
Sam will most likely ask me to go see Frodo again tomorrow, but...
My answer is still going to be the same tomorrow.
My heart broke upon these decisions.
I knew it would have to come to an end eventually, but I never prepared myself for it would actually happen. Now that it was here, I just didn't know how to react. I felt such terrible devastation. I didn't want to leave him. I didn't ever want to let him out of my sight. I didn't even want to return to Mirkwood, a place with restrictions and rules and devoid of any sense of life. I wanted that life with him back in the Shire, the one where we were together every single day. I just want to hold him in my arms and tell him that I loved him. To tell him that everyone was right about my feelings all along. I had felt such genuine happiness as a result of being with him. They were the only truly good days that I have had in so long.
But Lin was right. He's a Hobbit. I'm an immortal. Even if we weren't, I can't give him what he wants. I can't marry him. I can never bear him any children. I can never give him a happy and hopeful life because of what I am. Because of why I was brought into this world, I had almost cost him his life. I sincerely loved him too much to make him suffer any more because of my fate. I love him too much to cause him the pain my beloved father and mother suffered through. If I can't save myself from this curse, then at least, I want to mercifully spare him from it. If he goes back to the Shire, he will return to his old life. He'll find someone to make his beloved wife, and that woman will make him happy. The very least I can do is to let him forget about me.
The least I can do after everything I've done is let him go.
As I watched Sam leaving, I felt a tear slide down my face.
Before I met him, I had never cried. How is it possible that so many tears were locked away inside of me?
"What's the matter, Neera?" Lin said in legitimate concern.
"Nothing," I blatantly lied."Just thinking about how much I miss home."
Although my heart is breaking as each minute passes...
It has to be this way.
That's it! I hope you enjoyed it!
Poor Neera and Frodo. Things are just going to get a lot harder from here on out.
I ask you as the author not to hate Lin. I'm being perfectly serious. I don't even hate Lin. I created her as a foil to Neera. I feel incredibly sorry for her. She has chosen to live her life based on survival, not by actually living. As a result, it's turned her into an empty shell. She has forgotten what it means to be alive.
I feel like Lin is a very tragic character. She's been driven to the breaking point as a result of this curse. It's caused her to become completely paranoid to the point where she has forgotten to live. She does love her sister and her family very much. Unfortunately, she forgets what love actually is. I would ask you to feel sorry for her rather than to hate her. She's merely the example of what happens to people who get so wrapped up in fear they forget to cherish life and what's important.
Thank you so much for your continued support of Light in the Darkness!
Until next time!
Kagomehater4ever