Kim turned on the car again, shifting back into driving position. The engine glided smoothly back into life. Kim pulled out from the curb, the car gently trundling along the street. He glanced over at Harry.
"Maybe just go over what happened? Start from the beginning?" he suggested.
Harry nodded, taking a deep breath. This was more familiar territory, for both of them. Describe the scene, the action; who, what, where, how, and maybe why if you're lucky. He started with Judit exiting the station, crying, while he was smoking out back, described helping her sort out a plan and offering to watch her kids. He wasn't sure how much of this Kim knew already, but whenever he looked over at Kim, Kim nodded encouragingly for him to continue. As they turned onto the motorway, Harry reached the part of the story about his…vision? Hallucination? He hesitated.
"What is it?" Kim asked. Another car's headlights briefly illuminated Kim's face, steadfastly concentrating on the road ahead.
Harry sighed. "You're not going to believe me."
"That's never stopped you before."
Harry smiled a little. "Okay, if I try, I can…sort of…talk to the city."
"What do you mean? Like you're…sensing things happening?"
"Yes, kind of. But also, more…literally. Like I hear a woman's voice." Harry stared out the darkened windshield. Even now he could feel the pulse of the city. Revachol was at rest, but never fully asleep.
"Okaaaay…" said Kim. Unsurprisingly, he looked skeptical.
"I know it sounds weird. I haven't ruled out the possibility that I'm hallucinating all of this, given the drugs and the memory loss and…whatever else I did to myself. But I figured…on the off-chance it's actually real…I might be able to use it to find Bastien."
"So…what happened?" Kim sounded curious in spite of himself.
"I'm not sure, exactly. It was kind of like flying over the city. I was looking from one person to another, and I was really in tune with everyone's emotions. The city was trying to help me, but she's not great at identifying individuals, I think. But everybody was hurting so much, and I felteverythingthey were feeling. I wanted to help them, but I needed to find Bastien first, but the longer I looked, the more I saw, the worse it got–" Harry's voice wavered, and he stopped, looking out the window.
"That sounds…really intense," said Kim.
"Yeah." Harry cleared his throat. "So. Whether it was a giant hallucination or not, the one thing it actually accomplished was triggering a panic attack. Which Judit had to help me through, as if she didn't have enough problems."
"What did you tell her?"
"I told her it was from smoking."
Kim drummed his fingers on the steering levers, thinking.
"It was a good impulse," he said, finally. "Maybe next time don't test out supranatural powers during a time of crisis, but…it was low risk, high reward. On the admittedly very, very slim chance it worked, you could have saved his life. I…think I would have done the same in your position."
"You would?" said Harry. "I didn't think you believed in supranatural stuff."
"I don't. Normally. But when you're throwing everything at the wall…"
EMPATHY:It's not so much that he doesn't believe in it. He prefers not to think about it, because it makes him uncomfortable. But he's had to face being proven wrong multiple times in his first week of knowing you.
"Anyway." Kim continued. "Overall, Judit seemed very grateful for your help. I don't think she minded. What happened next?"
Harry went over meeting Judit's kids, Louis' tour of the apartment. He hesitated again before describing the crack in the wall.
"Something supranatural again?" Kim asked. Another vehicle was ahead of them, traveling slowly. Kim accelerated to pass it.
"No, just…stupid." Harry quickly described the crack, then, more haltingly, the feelings he'd gotten from it. "I just…" he pulled out his lighter again, flipping the cap back and forth, the headlights of the car behind them briefly illuminating the cabin before Kim rounded a turn and the other car fell behind. "I can't even be sure if it was the same crack."
"You could look it up, if you wanted," said Kim. "The RCM would have records of your past addresses."
Harry frowned, turning the lighter in his hands. "I don't know if that would help. Maybe. But I…I don't evenrememberthe relationship. I don't even rememberher,not really. Just a few flashes. And then out of nowhere I just getblindsided–" A tear leaked out of one eye, and he tried to wipe it surreptitiously. "And it could beanything. A stranger's coat. Someone's perfume. A barking dog. I don't even remember enough to be able to avoid it."
Kim nodded. He flipped a few switches on the dashboard. "It seems like you were…pretty obsessive about your relationship with her. You probably burned a lot of those pathways into your brain."
Harry let his head fall back, staring at the ceiling, the metal of the lighter cold in his hands.
"But," Kim continued, "Your brain also prunes connections that aren't being used. Not remembering her is likely going to be helpful, as it gives you less to fixate on, so the effect will be less powerful over time." He paused. "I'm sorry if that's not helpful right now."
Harry exhaled. "It's not nothing." A few raindrops splattered on the windshield. Kim turned on the wipers.
"So then, I was making dinner, and that's when I found–" Harry's throat felt tight suddenly. He swallowed. The silence filled the car.
"The liquor cabinet?" Kim guessed.
"Yes," said Harry tightly. He took a shaky breath. "I picked out a bottle. Right in front of the kids, I almost–" Tears were running freely down his cheeks now. He covered his face with his hand.
"But you didn't," said Kim, firmly. "You didn't. That's not what happened." He took his hand away from the steering lever for just a moment to grip Harry's shoulder.
"I know. I know. But I can't stop thinking about it."
Kim nodded. "Is there anything else?"
"Y-yes." Harry wiped his tears, then told Kim about dinner, about Olive withdrawing to her room afterwards, and following her in to sit with her.
"She–she told me…" Harry trailed off. "I dont–I don't know if I should tell you this."
"It's clearly bothering you," said Kim. "I won't tell anyone, I promise."
"She saw–she saw Bastien. In the kitchen. His sleeve rolled up, holding–holding a razor blade to his arm."
Kim sucked a breath in through his teeth.
"Not just–just once. A couple–a couple times a week. Since January. At least."
A faint line appeared between Kim's eyebrows. "How did you react to her telling you this?"
"I waited-waited until she was done, told her she was a good kid, then offered her a hug." Harry hunted in his pocket for a handkerchief, before remembering he'd given his to Judit. He sniffed.
"Here," said Kim, pulling his own handkerchief out of his pocket and passing it to Harry. "What happened after your conversation?"
Harry blew his nose. "The kids went to bed. And I was sitting on the couch alone with my thoughts. After everything, it was–" He wiped away a tear. "It was a lot."
"I'm sure it was," said Kim.
"And I just felt like I was…drowning, or suffocating, or…I don't know. And the booze was sitting right there. And I…pretty much told you the rest." Harry leaned against the door again, the side of his head resting against the window.
Kim said nothing. Harry glanced over at him - he was frowning thoughtfully. He turned off the motorway, slowing the car as he passed through quiet streets, the buildings sleeping on either side.
HALF-LIGHT:Shit. Shit. Shit. Why isn't he saying anything?
COMPOSURE:You shouldn't have shown him all this.
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT:Sitting here blubbering like a fucking sissy…
HALF-LIGHT:He's going todespiseyou now–
VOLITION:Stop. He's been through worse than this with you. He's still here. Get a read on him. What's he thinking?
ESPRIT DE CORPS:He's trying to process everything you said. His fingers are itching to pull out his notebook, but he can't do that while he's hasn't had his cigarette for the day, either.
INTERFACING:He refuses to smoke in the car. He doesn't want the leather and fabric to stink of cigarettes.
EMPATHY:He's a little overwhelmed. This hasn't been an easy night on him, either. And hearing about Olive witnessing her father's suicidal behavior upset him more than he lot on.
Kim pulled over, killed the engine. The rain grew a bit heavier, softly pattering on the roof of the motor carriage, hissing against the hot engine behind their heads.
Kim turned sideways to look at Harry, sliding one bent leg onto the seat. "Honestly, from my perspective, you did very well tonight."
Harry made a sound that was half-laugh, half-sob. "Are you serious? I was a mess."
"I think we both know that's a relative term," said Kim, with a near-invisible smile. "But if we look at things that happened outside your head, you supported Judit through an incredibly difficult situation. You volunteered to take care of her kids. While taking care of her kids, you made Louis feel safe enough to trust you to take care of him almost instantly, and you made Olive feel safe enough to share some very painful information - something she hadn't told anyone else. You fed the kids and made sure they got to sleep. And,and,after having several stressful and at times traumatic experiences, you had unrestricted access to alcohol for hours, and you chose not to drink."
Harry leaned forward, putting his face in his hands. "You don't understand!" he said, his voice cracking. "It wasn't a choice, it was just a series of coincidences. I didn't drink the whiskey because Olive said her dad drank it, and I didn't drink the wine because I couldn't find a corkscrew, and I didn't drink the rum because I couldn't find any mixers, and then I opened the bottle anyway and the smell was everywhere, and I would have done it–"
"Hey." Kim put a hand on Harry's back, between the shoulder blades. The steady weight of it made Harry cry harder. "Those all sound like choices to me." Kim continued. "It sounds like you were trying really hard to find reasons not to drink."
"I just–" Harry took a shuddering breath. "I know it's going to happen. Everyone else knows, too. At some point I'll fuck up, and then it's back to Tequila Sunset, being an asshole to everyone who's trying to help me, threatening to kill myself in front of everybody, maybe actually going through with it this time–"
Harry felt Kim's hand on his back clench into a fist, then relax.
"Harry, listen to me," Kim said. "A relapse isn't inevitable. I think tonight proves that. But if it happens–"
Harry groaned, pressing his face harder into his hands.
"Just listen. If it happens, you got sober once. You can do it again."
VOLITION:He's right.
"Just, if it does, you can call me." He pressed his hand harder into Harry's back.
ESPRIT DE CORPS:"I don't want to lose another partner," he thinks.
Harry looked over at Kim. His eyes were calm and focused as usual, but there was a faint line between his eyebrows.
DRAMA:He is sincere, my liege.
Harry closed his eyes and nodded. "I will. I'll call you. If it happens."
"Good," said Kim. He slid back into driving position. "Let's get you home."