Shore Leave
by Joan Powers
Summary: Once Kathryn started having sex with Chakotay, it became harder for her to stay away from him. Could she get this urge out of her system during shore leave? J/C
A/N: I'm thrilled to be posting my 100th fanfiction story (almost thirty years after posting my first one). Thanks to Captain Hatter for helpful feedback!
A gentle breeze wafting through the window woke Kathryn. She opened her eyes and stretched lazily, the sheets shifting about her naked form. She wasn't ready to face the day. That meant leaving this safe haven and returning to her responsibilities on Voyager. She burrowed closer to Chakotay's warmth. He was still sleeping, his arm slung around her waist. She took a moment to admire his features, tracing his tattoo with her fingers then running them through his dark hair.
They'd had such a wonderful time over the past five days in this isolated cabin. She'd slept more than five hours a night and actually felt relaxed rather than primed to spring into action at a moment's notice.
They had plans to explore the lush countryside that the planet offered, including a day long hike to a majestic waterfall. While they enjoyed visiting the nearby wind caves and spending time on the beach by their private villa, they ended up mostly exploring each other.
They reveled in the luxury of sharing a bed, being able to take their time, with no interruptions. Yet, their time together had been more than just sex. They spent hours talking while holding each other, lounging on the beach, swimming in the lake, or gazing at the night sky.
Although Kathryn was embarrassed by how lazy they'd been, she'd savored each moment. Now it was time to return to the real world. She sighed, reluctantly starting to pull away from Chakotay. She needed a chance to transition, to adjust her professional mask and put it firmly in place.
Chakotay tightened his grip on her waist, restricting her motion.
"Don't." He mumbled, still half asleep.
Somehow, he always could read her.
"It's not over yet," he said,
Even though every minute she put off the inevitable would make the transition harder, she couldn't bring herself to disappoint him. Not yet.
She admired the tautness of his muscles, the threads of scars that crisscrossed his torso that she'd finally had the time to playfully investigate. He'd resisted having them removed, preferring to remember those battles. Her fingers traced along his rib cage then trailed to his stomach. When she started to move them lower, he stopped her, placing his hand over hers.
Eyes closed, he said, "I just want to hold you."
He wanted her. All of her.
He needed to preserve the illusion for as long as possible that they were an average couple on an ordinary morning. She knew how much it meant to him. To have a normal loving relationship.
Everything that this could not be.
The first time they'd had sex had been totally unplanned. She was upset after dealing with a boorish alien ambassador who stubbornly refused to allow them access to desperately needed resources. Their dilithium situation had been crucial. Looking back, she realized she shouldn't have attended dinner with Chakotay that night since she'd been so preoccupied. But it had been scheduled, and she welcomed the diversion it provided. After dinner, they opened a bottle of whiskey and things went downhill from there.
In a rare moment of vulnerability, she confessed her fears, and he held her. That led to kissing, which rapidly progressed, ending up with half of their clothing shoved aside or removed, and her eagerly straddling his lap. Afterwards, when she regained her sanity, she swore that it could never happen again, while storming off.
After their fourth encounter within a six-week period, she stopped pretending that it would be a one-time occurrence, but she vowed to limit herself. As much as she enjoyed it, it was an unnecessary distraction that could jeopardize her effectiveness. Sex was never planned and always hurried – a frantic coupling on the couch or the floor or even against a bulkhead. Never in the bedroom, where the temptation of extended cuddling would be too hard to resist.
When the opportunity for shore leave came up, Chakotay uncharacteristically insisted that she accompany him. As much as she wanted to refuse, for it was the most sensible course of action, it was far too tempting. He was too tempting. After nearly groping him in the ready room two days before, she was desperate to get her libido under control. Perhaps this would provide that opportunity to allow her to restore balance. To get him out of her system or at the very least, make the situation more manageable.
She closed her eyes, soothed by the motion of his chest rhythmically moving against her. She drifted back to sleep. A little later, his stomach grumbling woke her. She chuckled.
"I'll make us breakfast"
She didn't especially want to move but it was time to start pulling back.
He sat up before she did, stretching his arms and exposing a broad expanse of tan skin. "I'll take care of it. Why don't you shower?"
As she stepped into the warm water, she breathed deeply. Her plan had backfired. Instead of getting Chakotay out of her system, the more intimate they'd become, the more she craved being with him.
But once they returned to the ship, she couldn't consider anything more than the occasional assignation with him.
He'd argued that it didn't have to be this way. That they could discretely conduct a relationship. He astutely pointed out that they'd feel far more in control of their impulses if they knew they'd be together on a regular basis. That they could offer each other more support.
As much as she wanted to embrace the idea, it made her uneasy.
Stepping out of the shower, she wrapped a towel about her torso and combed her hair. Then she organized her belongings, shoving them into her duffle. Her uniform remained on the bed. Rather than fully dressing, she chose to put on a robe.
Entering the kitchen, she saw that Chakotay, clad only in his boxer shorts, had made a similar choice. The enticing aroma of coffee and eggs filled the air. She stepped towards the stove where he was frying eggs, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her chin against his back, breathing in his scent.
She was going to miss this.
They settled at the table, eating quietly. She sipped her coffee, which was prepared just the way she liked it. Chakotay was always too good to her. He moved closer, resting his palm on her thigh.
As much as she appreciated his attention, the clock was ticking. Beam out time was quickly approaching. They were only putting off the inevitable.
Finally, she pulled her chair back from the table, reluctantly rising. "Time to go. Back to business as usual."
"Do we have to keep doing this?"
She was afraid that he'd bring that up. As attractive as the idea of being in a real relationship was, she didn't see how it would work. Spending shore leave with him had already pushed her out of her comfort zone.
She didn't respond as he followed her into the bedroom. As much as she dreaded it, she had to start the difficult process of detaching herself. Avoiding eye contact, they focused on putting on their uniforms.
"I love you," he stated.
That was new. It made her heart flutter in a thrilling yet terrifying manner as she shoved her arms into her jacket sleeves. She didn't know what to say.
Rather than being elated by sharing this, he was subdued, almost resigned. She realized that he didn't expect her to respond in kind.
Did he honestly believe that she didn't love him?
While she hated that thought, maybe it was better this way. Better to maintain strict boundaries and not allow her private life to bleed into her professional one. To not permit the appearance of discrimination or favoritism. In fact, it was better for him to believe that she wasn't as emotionally invested in this relationship as he was. To presume that this trip had been mostly about sex.
Even though that was far from the truth.
Grabbing their duffle bags, they left the cabin to head for the beam out site. It was an eerie reproduction of their exit from New Earth, where they avoided touching or even eye contact, erecting boundaries for protection.
They stood in the grassy field, awaiting transport. Fifteen minutes after the appointed time had passed, Harry commed to inform them that they were having technical difficulties and were addressing them. Hopefully these issues would be resolved within an hour or two.
While it was tempting to return to the lovely cabin, emotionally, it would be devastating. They stood awkwardly, looking at everything but each other.
Kathyrn wasn't concerned that Harry, Tom and B'Elanna, who were working on the transporter, would see Chakotay and her together. While she'd taken Tuvok into her confidence for their beam down (in case of ship emergencies, he needed to know where to find them), it wasn't a stretch to justify the two of them meeting at a convenient in-between point allowing for a single transport.
She stole a glance at Chakotay and was concerned by his appearance. Somehow, he seemed drained of energy, the light had left his eyes.
He couldn't be thinking that she didn't love him.
Could he?
It took all that she had to stop herself from reaching out to him, to hold him and reassure him. She reminded herself that it was better that way. She was having enough trouble relegating her own emotions. The thought of sleeping alone tonight was, frankly, depressing.
Was she being too rigid?
Starfleet rules didn't necessarily apply to an unintended mission of this length. Being with Chakotay these past days, she'd felt better than she had in years. But she hadn't been dealing with ship repairs or hostile aliens. Yet, the two of them had already worked well as a team for many years. As a couple, they could lend each other even more support.
It was an appealing thought. After nearly six years in command, she was worn out. She was tired of being alone.
Could she do it?
Commit to a relationship with Chakotay?
She was surprised to discover how much she wanted to. She'd never allowed herself the luxury of seriously considering the option.
But it always came back to logistics. How would she explain this to Starfleet? Or her crew? Would they think less of her?
Then again, at the rate they were traveling, it could be years before she had any face-to-face meetings with the brass. Would she care about potential marks on her record if she was eighty years old by the time they reached Earth?
Maybe she could test the waters? They could spend a few nights a week together, while keeping their relationship secret?
But did she really want to do that? After this week, she'd become greedy. It was as if she'd jumped into the deep end of the pool and was now feeling wonderfully energized. She had no desire to wade in the shallows anymore.
Could she fully commit to him but keep their relationship secret as long as possible? Or at least until the newness wore off and they felt more comfortable? That would buy them time to consider the best approach for revealing the news.
Did anyone else really need to know?
She hated seeing Chakotay so somber. She was horrified that he might actually believe that she was just using him for sex. Not responding to his declaration of love certainly hadn't helped.
Her eyes fixed upon his dejected gaze. She couldn't hold back any longer.
"I love you too, Chakotay," she said.
She was touched by his beaming smile. She rushed towards him, throwing her arms around his shoulders, pulling him towards her to kiss him. After five days together, they'd grown accustomed to being alone and not stifling their impulses. They deepened the kiss, drawing closer, concentrating on each other.
They didn't notice their surroundings starting to shimmer, then fade.
Cheering and whistling startled them.
"Way to go!" Tom Paris shouted as B'Elanna whistled and Harry clapped.
They pulled apart, noting their audience. Kathryn blushed furiously.
So much for easing into this.
THE END