It took a moment for Kristina to absorb what Parker said. Like there was something more she implied by, "You'll never be like my other students." Kristina stood restless in the awkward yet auspicious silence that followed. There was surely something else about what was happening between them that Parker wasn't saying.
The framed picture of Parker and her wife had fallen askew on the desk; no longer stable and upright on its triangle stand. Kristina didn't realize it had slipped out of her hand. And when she did notice, she didn't bother righting it. Their picture just lay there, face down, out of sight; exactly how Kristina wanted Parker and her wife's relationship to remain.
To mask her agitation, Kristina resumed browsing the office. But this time, not with the confidence and assurance she had when she first walked in and believed that she and Parker alone would share this space together. Now Kristina knew it was already taken. Instead, the browsing was a distraction from her spinning thoughts, frustration, and disappointment.
Kristina also needed to move about in order to create a distance between her and Parker - as much of a physical distance as the news of 'the wife' created an emotional chasm in her.
Kristina took a closer look at the spines of the thick, heavy tomes that had an immovable presence on Parker's bookshelves,"Physicians Quality Reporting Guide", "Merck Manual of Diagnosis and Therapy". The golf club carrier and iron covers were monogrammed with 'AF'. The degrees on the wall included Parker's Doctorate and a 'Medicinae Doctor' degree that was clearly 'the wife's'. One of the 'pictures' was actually their framed wedding vows on parchment ("...forever faithful to you as the sun is to rising in the East; as the caterpillar is destined to become a butterfly...).
"So what's marriage like?" Kristina asked to break the silence.
Kristina didn't care. She didn't want to know. But Kristina's curiosity reared its head like not wanting to stare at the carnage of a fatal accident but not being able to turn her eyes away. She cringed at the thought of Parker flourishing about how perfect it was and beautiful it was, and, worst of all, how happy they were. What Kristina really wanted to ask was, 'What's it like to be married to a woman?' Kristina still didn't care to know. She didn't wear envy well.
"It's a wonderful journey of growth and discovery with a lot of unknowns," Parker answered. "You just set out with the intention that you're going to make it together."
"And then you hope for the best?" Kristina asked.
Parker forced a strained and inauthentic smile.
During this disquieting pause, it suddenly dawned on Kristina; the two cars in the driveway, the desk in the alcove, they were all 'the wife'. Everything that Kristina had touched earlier - items she had run her fingers across - felt icky. It wasn't just Parker she'd take home with her; 'the wife's' grime was on her too.
"Does she make you happy?" Kristina reluctantly asked.
"Well, that's not her responsibility, to make me happy, that is," Parker answered. "We're aware of what makes each other happy, where we derive our passion from, and we do everything we can to support each other."
Casually turning her back to Parker, Kristina dared to ask, "And what if…what if the focus of your passion changes? Then what?"
Parker's face fell just before she adjusted her posture with discomfort in a way that was unusual and unlike the unflappable air she always maintained. She tucked her hands in her pockets and moved to a different part of the office, further distancing herself from Kristina. Even in the limited space, Parker and Kristina managed to force a separation between themselves despite how strong they were drawn together.
"We communicate," Parker answered. "We talk about our new needs. We figure out where they fit with each of us. It's the only way we'll work as a couple. We tell each other everything."
"Everything?"
"Are you implying something, Kristina?" Parker asked defensively.
Startled by the firmness in Parker's voice, Kristina's hand leapt off an award for "Teaching Excellence" that she was about to pick up. She abruptly turned to face Parker.
"No," Kristina responded in retreat. "Just curious, that's all."
"Is my being married to a woman or my being a lesbian making you uncomfortable?"
"No! No, not at all." Kristina said. But there was a lie in Kristina's response. She couldn't figure out what part of Parker's question she was lying to. She wondered if jealousy was a type of lie or if it was a type of anger. "I just want to know if you're happy."
"You can rest assured, I am," Parker said unconvincingly.
The windows had turned black with night; their French cross hatch now a tic-tac-toe grid against a dark background. Neither of them noticed how much time had gone by or how much time they had spent caught in their unique brand of tug-of-war. Outside, the street lamps cast halos on lawns and car tops.
"What's it like…?" Kristina gingerly asked.
Parker patiently waited for Kristina to complete her question.
"...with a woman," Kristina finally blurted. "What's it like with a woman?"
Parker paused for a moment, taken aback by Kristina's indirect question to the inevitable conversation she knew their time together was leading to. It still surprised Parker to realize that they were here, about to talk about this. To stall the conversation, Parker wondered if she should ask Kristina to clarify exactly what she meant. Would Kristina have the nerve?
But Parker knew exactly what Kristina wanted to know, "What's it like to have sex with a woman?" The very thought of Kristina asking the question aloud made Parker squirm on the inside. Would pushing Kristina to say those words cross a line in their teacher-student relationship? Had Parker already crossed it by merely inviting Kristina here? Why was her heart racing?
By now, Parker even knew why Kristina wanted to know. It was a languid ivy that had been growing about them for weeks; creeping and entwining their curiosity. For Kristina the experience would be a first; for Parker, infidelity would be unchartered territory. But not here, not now. Perhaps it would never be at all; forever remaining an unrequited longing.
"It's...different. Like coming home. At least it was for me," Parker explained. "Nothing I had ever felt before up until that point in my life. It's tender...sometimes, not so tender when it needs to be. It was an awakening on so many levels. An awakening of my integrity. An awakening to a woman's touch; someone who knows your body as well - sometimes better - than you know it yourself. "
A warm flush came over Kristina at the imagery Parker's words conjured.
"At the time," Parker continued, "it was the biggest life-changing 'aha!' moment I had ever had. And then everything suddenly made sense; my childhood, my teenage years, all those awkward moments, feelings I couldn't understand or explain and was convinced I was the only person on earth who felt that way. Being with a woman...well, then everything fit into place and felt...right."
Lost in the retelling of her story, Parker gazed into the past like she was watching herself relive that very moment. Parker noticed the fallen picture of her and Amanda. To Kristina's dismay, Parker returned the frame to its upright position.
'This wife' would always be in Parker's life longer than any time Kristina could ever hope for. Kristina despised her, whoever she was. Kristina almost wished Parker had never mentioned 'the wife' and had kept her a secret, whether Parker intended to or not. Parker's mention of her, acknowledgement of her - the reality that 'this wife' had more significance in Parker's life than Kristina - made 'this wife' feel like an intruder. Kristina hated her.
"Does being with a woman feel like that all the time?" Kristina asked.
"Of course not," Parker said. "Like any connection or relationship, it has its ebbs and flows. You just learn how to be creative."
"I'm creative," Kristina coyishly responded.
Flattered by Kristina's implicit flirtation, Parker chuckled, "I'm sure you are Kristina. You are one of my most resourceful students. The only one in a long time."
Outside, a car engine started. Its headlights flashing into the office for a brief second before it backed out of the driveway. Parker pulled back the curtains to watch the car - the one that had been parked beside hers - drive out of sight.
When Parker was assured that the driver wouldn't return, she said to Kristina, "Give me a minute, I want to get a book from the house for you."
But when Parker reached the office door to leave, she changed her mind.
"Actually," Parker said facing Kristina to ensure she had her full attention, "why don't you just come inside."