They hadn't seen each other since the door slammed shut between them. An abrupt end to the start of something that was getting out of their control. At times the sound of the slam startled them out of a deep sleep; the memory of its anger punched through their dreams. The memory of how they felt on either side of the door left their bellies hollow; their pulse pounding in their ears.
They hadn't seen each other all week. Not on the usual path on campus where one ran in the mornings while the other turned her head to watch from a distance. They didn't meet during office hours. One had cancelled hours that week. The other received the message only after hearing her own desperate knocks echo back at her from behind the empty office door. Their cars were parked in different lots - one for faculty and the other for students - but they didn't see each other's cars in their usual spots. They didn't see each other on campus at all until Kristina showed up for class the following Friday.
"We need to talk," Parker said.
Students filed past as they headed to their other classes when the end of period buzzer sounded. Parker's words stung Kristina's ears before she saw Parker's lips move. Kristina had been looking into Parker's eyes as she made her way to the front of the classroom. Kristina wasn't ready to leave; she hung back and let her peers shuffle ahead of her. She had waited all week to see the glint that was in Parker's eye the other night. She had been dying to see it all week just to confirm what she felt that night between them was real.
It wasn't there.
Kristina knew they had to talk. Something happened at Parker's house that was very confusing. Kristina knew that Parker wanted to be with her as much as she wanted to be with Parker. Parker must have felt it too but she practically threw Kristina out. 'The wife' was why Parker wanted Kristina to leave. 'The wife' was why Kristina had to leave.
Kristina was anxious all week about meeting Parker for their Friday coffee. At least she had the book. The book had words for everything Kristina didn't understand was coming over her, described her inexplicable obsession...finger painted what she wanted Parker to do to her in copious wet color and with so many strokes. Sublime. The book Kristina reluctantly took that night reassured her, validated her, made clear all that wasn't. Kristina's view of herself was crystal before 'this' all started - whatever 'this' was. Now it was foggy, opaque and Parker was her only beacon back to herself again. But if the light was gone from Parker's eye, then what did she have left?
"Are we okay?," Kristina wrote, erased, re-wrote, and canceled in an email to Parker. With the sour taste of nausea caught in her throat, Kristina finally sent the desperate message after days of doubt had eaten away at the certainty she felt that night.
Parker never responded.
Beyond Parker not seeing the email or ignoring it, Kristina pictured Parker pressing the 'delete' button. That was the worst thought of all.
"If there's anything I did or anything I said -," Kristina started to say to Parker in the classroom. Kristina didn't care about the students who were still there packing up or waiting to ask Parker a question.
Kristina was willing to take the blame for whatever changed between them that night although she had done nothing wrong. What she felt was the closest she ever got to knowing the truth about herself but she couldn't articulate what that truth was. Kristina was willing to take the blame if it meant breaking down the barricade of awkwardness, doubt, and silence. Brick upon brick sealed with impenetrable mortar that dammed the turbulence between them. Didn't they want the same thing? Kristina felt like her dam was about to burst.
"Please, not here," Parker interrupted. "I'll be in my office at 5 o'clock.
That was their coffee time. Parker was changing their plans. Whatever gave Kristina the courage to face Parker after a long week of unknowing, crumbled.
"Keep the door open," they thought they heard a passing student snicker.
They looked away from each other; one towards despair, the other towards shame.
Kristina's stomach turned.