"What happened?"

Her words were silenced under the commotion of the trauma room.

Trauma room one.

She had spent countless hours in here. Working on patients. Saving lives. Losing lives.

She couldn't lose him. She couldn't.

Her eyes swept across the small room. Had it always been this small? It looked tiny right now with so many doctors crowding around one patient.

She watched her colleagues, her friends but her brain refused to focus. Refused to tune in. It hadn't tuned in since the moment Alex had pulled her aside.

Hematemesis. It's not..it's not good, Mer.

But he had been fine. She'd seen him just yesterday when he'd been performing a laminectomy. She had watched him joke around with Amelia and Callie. How, then, had he been sick enough to be throwing up blood and she hadn't even noticed?

She was a general surgeon. She should have known. This was her job.

As soon as the thought flickered in her mind, she finally, completely took in her surroundings.

This was her job. Her speciality.

"He's still bleeding. Kepner, what about that airway?"

"I can't- I can't get a clear visualisation, there's just too much blood."

There was Kepner at his head, attempting to intubate him. Hunt stood on his right, inserting the central line. She noticed Bailey shouting orders on his left, Webber next to her. She noticed the nurses, Danielle and Kit running around, equipment and blood samples in their hands.

She glanced at the machines he was hooked up to. His heart rate was too high. His blood pressure was too low. His oxygen sats were falling. He had lost too much blood. His body was in shock.

They were losing him.

"We're losing him!", Richard's words echoed her thoughts. "Prep the neck for a crike."

"No, wait. Move. Let me take a look.", Hunt grabbed the tube from April and took her position.

She moved closer to the bed.

"His sats are at 85%, you need to do a crike.", she yelled, coming to stand next to him.

"Grey, you can't be in here."

They were losing him. They couldn't lose him.

She couldn't lose him.

"Meredith-", she heard Alex but his voice seemed to reach her from miles away. Muffled. Lost under a fog.

"Grey, you can't be in here. You're too close."

"I'm fine right here, Dr Bailey."

"Do it, damn it!", she directed it at Owen, who was still struggling while Derek's oxygen levels continued to deteriorate. She could feel their eyes on her, judging her. All of theirs. But she didn't care.

"Just. Give me a second.", he manoeuvred the tube down his throat while Meredith continued to stare daggers at him.

"Done. I'm done."

The monitor beeped the success of his intubation, the O2 levels steadily rising.

She let out a breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding.

"Did you administer octeotride?", this time she inquired her mentor.

"Already done. He's not responding to it. Meredith, you can't-"

"Did you prep for the Minnesota tube?"

"Yes."

"Well, where is it, then?"

"Dr Grey.", she heard Hunt, his voice teeming with warning.

"It's coming. Meredith, you need to go."

"No, I'm a general surgeon."

"Got the blood, Dr Bailey.", an intern said, heaving.

Bailey nodded, resuming her work.

"Where do you want me?", this time Richard gazed at her, concern etched on his face.

He wasn't her father. He had to stop acting like it.

She reached for the gloves, donning them.

"Dr Grey, get out."

"Excuse me?", she raised her eyebrows at Hunt.

How dare he?

"I said, get out!"

She was the head of general surgery.

Hell, she owned this freaking place.

"You don't tell me what to do. I'm trying to treat a patient.", she glared at him, pointing her finger towards his chest.

"Mer, come on."

"What, Alex, no-", she shoved him aside, refusing to cooperate.

He was just like any other patient. She would treat him just like any other patient. So what was the issue here?

Her best friend all but wrestled her, attempting to get her out of there but she wouldn't budge.

Damn it, why were they being so stubborn about this?

She was fine.

Derek wasn't.

So she needed to help him. It was simple.

Alex had somehow managed to corner her, her back against the wall.

"You are being ridiculous! Let me go."

"Go through me, then."

She pushed at his chest as he surrounded her, unmoving. Like a stupid statue.

Would it be too much if she punched him?

"I was a wrestler, you know that."

Oh no, it definitely wouldn't be too much. It would be too less, if she was being honest.

She grumbled in frustration, unable to find a way out.

"Okay, Grey.", suddenly Bailey appeared at her side, pushing Alex to face her. "We have managed to tamponade the blood with the Minnesota tube and look at his vitals. They're improving. He's stabilising."

Her eyes locked with Meredith's, concern and kindness emanating from them.

Meredith, for the first time, took in her appearance. Her gown and gloves were a bright red, completely covered in blood.

He had lost so much blood.

"We will have him shifted to the ICU for now and then, I can do the electrocauterisation in the morning.", she removed her gloves, to put a hand on her shoulder.

"He is going to be fine. He's going to be okay, Meredith. You're not his doctor, you're his family so you need to let us work."

Gentleness was something Bailey seldom directed towards her. Or anyone. So she understood its value very well.

Meredith sighed defeatedly, closing her eyes.

You're his family.

But family meant you fought for them. That was all she had been doing.

But then he wasn't just her family.

He was-

He was so much more.

He was everything.

The first time he wakes up, he says nothing. Just looks around, disoriented.

They extubate him soon after that.

The next time he wakes up, he asks her for some water, his voice hoarse. The morphine puts him out soon after.

The third time he wakes up, she isn't there. His sister is, though. She's with her children, instead. She doesn't say anything to them regarding their father, and pretends that a surgery had kept her over the night before. There was no reason to worry them. There was no reason to worry, at all. He would be fine. He would be.

The fourth time he wakes up, she's back at his bedside, studying, researching. His liver was failing yet, there were no signs of it overtly. His bilirubin levels were high but not enough to cause jaundice. He had no physical signs of it. So, what were they missing?

This time when he wakes up, she finds him staring. So she gathers up the courage to go up to him.

"Hey, how are you feeling?"

He gives her a small, pained smile in return.

"Like I threw up pints of blood."

Well, at least, he still possessed a sense of humour.

She attempts to smile back, and fails. Fights the urge to climb into bed next to him. To hold him. To let him hold her.

"You should go home, you've been here all night."

He turns to his side, wincing.

"The kids?"

"Are fine. Maggie's with them. I sent Amelia to my home, too."

He watches her lean on his bed rails and his hand reaches out for hers, clasping her fingers in his.

"Thank you. She, uh, she found me?"

She nods as he shuts his eyes in pain. One not caused by his disease.

Amelia had been inconsolable, then catatonic. But she'd been alright once he had woken up. But Derek didn't need to know any of that.

"Get some sleep, Derek.", this time she doesn't fight the urge to touch him. She can't. She runs her fingers through his hair gently, offering some comfort.

Time. Why did she have so little of it?

He hums, pressing on the button to turn his world to black.

A couple of hours later, she returns to his room, clutching her patient's letter. She had lost him an hour ago. There was too much damage. There was nothing she could have done.

He left unable to tell the love of his life how he really felt. He deserved a chance. So she decides to post it, anyway. Everyone deserves a second chance.

She falls asleep on the chair and wakes up with a kink in her neck, aching all over.

"You should have gone home.", she startles at his words and finds him sitting up, a nurse retrieving a blood sample.

She leaves quickly as Meredith approaches him. He looks..better. Not quite okay. Not quite healthy but better nonetheless.

The color had returned to his cheeks, his body didn't seem to be slumping as much.

"Don't ask me how I am doing. I'm fine, I'm great actually.", he giggles, blue eyes shining.

Oh, so he wasn't just better.

He was also high.

She rolls her eyes at him, playfully.

"Do you need something?"

"Nope.", he pops out the p, still chuckling lightly.

"Guess not."

"You should really go home. Before the pain meds make me say things I'm not allowed to."

"What things?"

"Just. Things."

"Derek.", she realises that she uses the same manner that she uses when her children refuse to listen to her. He does, too. They both snort simultaneously.

She waits patiently for him to come around.

"Things that will freak you out. Make you run."

"Derek.", she repeats.

"You're getting married! To Chase. You are.", he nods vigorously, animatedly.

"He said you two fell in love at Joe's. He said that. So I told him I could ask Joe to shut down the bar and let you get married there. I could do that, I saved his life, remember? But I didn't ask him. I didn't want to. I thought we fell in love at Joe's. Not you and him. Nuh-uh. You and me. We fell in love. We did. So much love."

She feels her heart drop. She gulps, silently, unable to speak.

"But it's okay. I can ask him, if you'd like. I can. I can be a good guy. I can do the right thing."

His eyelids flickered, dredging on the edge of slumber.

"That's what I have to do. All the time. The right thing. But it made me lose you. You know? Doing the right thing. I wish I hadn't. Lost you. Done the right thing. Or both? I don't know. I'm really confused. Discombobulated."

What was he even talking about? She puts it off to the high and lets him go on. She doesn't want to think about her heart. And the way its beating against her chest at his admission.

"Discom- bob-ulated. That's such a funny word. I mean, who is Bob?", and then he's laughing and laughing until tears are streaming down his face. Until he's forgotten all about what he had been saying.

Good.

It was a good thing Derek wouldn't remember a thing, later on.

She wishes she wouldn't either.

The next evening, she had the day off and somehow, she found herself at Joe's. She had spent the day with Derek, talking to him about useless, mundane things. He hadn't been high this time. Hadn't said a thing about losing her. Or loving her.

A part of her had been seethingly disappointed.

She didn't want him to remember. Did she?

She had found Chase in the hospital earlier. He had inquired about Derek. She had told him. And then, she had returned his ring.

Because, perhaps, it was time she stopped pretending.

Her head was spinning. And the alcohol poisoning level tequila she had consumed wasn't the only reason for it.

Why had he been working on Alzheimer's all these years? Why had he kept it a secret? Why had he given it all up to another surgeon?

What had he meant when he had said he'd done the right thing and lost her? She had been blindsided by the divorce. She had been so heartbroken, so angry that she hadn't considered anything at all, signing the papers at once. Dividing their assets, leaving.

Half a bottle of tequila in, she could admit that it would, indeed, always come back to Derek.

Otherwise, why would she be here?

No matter what happened. No matter how much they hurt each other, they would find their way back to each other.

What had Chase said? Magnets. They really were driven by inexplicable magnetic forces.

She knew it was wrong. She knew that very well. They had hurt so many people in the process. And now, Chase was another one of those people.

But it was about the time. And she had so little of it. She had already wasted so much of it pretending.

She didn't want to be on her deathbed with an unsent letter.

She didn't want to pretend anymore.

"Okay, he's here, gimme your keys."

"You're not very nice, Joe.", she scrunched her nose at him, annoyed.

"I'm the best, actually."

"Hey, thanks, man.", he whispered, nodding at him.

"Alex, go away.", she said, shooing him away with her hand in front of his face.

"I'm taking you home, come on."

"No, I can't go home drunk to my kids! They'll think I'm an alcoholic."

"Then, you can crash on my couch."

She rested her head on the table, whispering, "But I wanna stay here."

"Mer-"

"Joe, hey, Joe, yoo-hoo-", she waved her hand, beckoning the bartender while thoroughly ignoring her person.

"You bellowed, Dr Grey?"

"You remember when I first came here?", she raised her eyebrows at him. He glanced at Alex, eyebrows pinched together.

"Lots of people come here. Sorry, I don't."

"Really, you don't? I was wearing this black dress. It was my first day before work, I ordered straight tequila- you told me I'd regret it in the morning. Really, nothing?"

He shook his head, wiping a glass distractedly.

"Oh! You must remember Derek. He wore a red shirt. Makes him look really good. Like really good. He flirted with me. Really badly. Like really badly."

"Mer, you're drunk. Let's go, stop bothering Joe."

"Joe's not bothered, are you? Joe?", sometime during Meredith's rant about how good her ex-husband had looked that day, Joe had slipped away.

Ass. She had been talking to him.

Alex wrapped his fingers around her arm gently, tugging slightly. She would stumble she was aware but she also didn't need any help. She swatted his hand away, angrily.

"I broke it off with Chase. Well, technically he sorta broke it off first. But then I definitely broke it off."

"I'm sorry, Mer, I know you liked the guy."

"Yep, I did. I did like him. Just not enough. Never enough."

He rubbed her back tenderly, waiting. Years ago, when she had first become friends with Alex, she would have never imagined the tenderness he would hold. But he had surprised her, he had surprised them all.

She exhaled loudly at his actions.

"But the thing is, I'm not drunk because of that.", she paused, closing her eyes.

"I'm not drunk because of him. I'm drunk because of Derek."

He said nothing, instead played with the rim of his glass.

"But you already knew that, didn't you?", she sighed. All those years ago, she never would have guessed that Alex would turn out so intuitive either. But then, he had surprised her.

"It's okay that you are."

"I hate him, you know. I hate him because no matter how hard I try, I can never hate him. Did that make sense? I don't think it did. You should take me home."

"Okay, let's go."

She stood up, losing her footing momentarily and almost falling face-first. Alex gripped her arm at the last second, steadying her. He put his arm around her shoulders as she leaned into him, supporting her weight.

They walked out of the almost-empty bar together quietly.

"What if he dies, Alex?"

He stopped at her words all of a sudden, his eyes looking her over.

"He'll be okay, Mer, I heard Bailey say they're thinking about discharging him soon."

She moved her arm across his torso, her body unexpectedly freezing.

"I don't mean right now. But he is dying. He is. I can't- I can't watch him die. I can't."

She had been avoiding it for months now. For as long as she had known, she had been side-stepping the reality. She didn't want to admit it. Admitting it was too painful, too real. Derek couldn't die. He was always supposed to outlive her. To have a seventy-year-old drooling wife and a forty-year-old drooling kid. She was supposed to be the Alzheimer's ridden one in need of constant monitoring. Not him. Not him.

How was she supposed to accept that?

How was she supposed to live with that?

She could live without him, she had been doing it for years now but she'd never thought that she would actually have to accept the fact that he wouldn't be here at all. That he would just be..gone.

Alex's arms wrapped around her, pulling her into a warm embrace. He put his head above hers and didn't dare whisper how everything would be okay.

Because nothing ever would be again.

Not if she lost the love of her life, forever.

She couldn't care for the pretence anymore.

A/N: okay so, this chapter turned out very differently from the way I thought it would, honestly but it kinda wrote itself. A bit on the shorter side but a super early update?

But anyway I know it feels super anticlimactic but there's a lot lot left to happen so-

Idk, tell me what y'all think.

Thank you for reading, take care!