Chapter 15

"What 're you doing up?" came the chipper voice from behind.

Carmen turned to see the little Munchkin kitten that was here before her. The humans had bought the adorable gray and white she-cat a few months ago. She carried the essence of everything Carmen once was: she was spoiled and carefree, knowing nothing of the world but luxury.

She hissed. "None of your business! Go back to sleep."

"But what's wrong?" Suki trotted over to her and reached up as far as she could to nuzzle Carmen's chin. "You don't gotta worry about anything anymore. It's okay; the humans here are really nice."

"The humans here are… fine." She leaned away. "But I'm not interested."

"They want you here," she argued. "Isn't it nice to be wanted?"

Pushing past the kitten, she stalked into the kitchen as she spoke. "I don't want to be wanted by humans. I want to live on my own terms."

"You really wanna be a stray again? You're crazy! You've got bugs in the brain!" she called in a sharp tone as Carmen jumped onto the counter. "C'mon, Sunny! The humans know everything. They made everything. So, they know best. It's a good thing they want you."

Carmen glared down at her.

"Especially with all those nasty mongrel cats running around in the streets! They're not like us Purebreds, you know," she said haughtily, her tail starting to thrash at the mere concept. "They've got dirty blood and gross claws, and they eat Purebred kits that get lost!"

Carmen recoiled as if struck. To hear such things said of her Clan…

"That's why it's so great that the humans are finally doing something about them. They're setting traps and stuff to take out the gross mongrel cats like the bunch o' bugs they are, so the City will be clean!"

StarClan, did this privileged kit ever shut up?

"That's what Mom and Dad and all our friends say, anyway. So, that's why I think you've lost it if you still wanna live out there! Us Purebreds gotta stick together, Sunny. You have a great new home here, and-"

Carmen was in her face, her fangs glinting in the light of soft, artificial suns. "First: don't call me that. My name is Carmen, and nobody's gonna change it without my say-so! Second: don't you fucking stand here and badmouth those "nasty mongrel cats," kit. Their blood isn't any dirtier than ours. They don't eat kits; they save them when humans throw them away."

Suki backed up, farther and farther, until her rear hit a cabinet door. Her ears were drawn back, her fur was fluffed up, and her yellow eyes were wide as saucers. The nerve of her! The sheer nerve of this pampered furball to talk about others that way! Carmen had half a mind to strike that perfect little face with outstretched claws, to tarnish her oh-so-cherished looks, to give her a little taste of what real problems were.

After everything I've been through… After everything I've survived thanks to the Clan… You have the audacity to talk about my friends that way? As if you know them? As if you understand them at all?

Darkwood wasn't a monster; he was a kindhearted leader. Shadefur was no waste of space; she was a healer who struggled with her own inner demons. Mosswhisker was no pest; she was a warrior through and through, who'd done everything and then some in service of her Clan. Those cats weren't nasty mongrels roaming aimlessly around. They were her friends, and they were looking for a proper home! And Carmen wasn't there to take them to it!

"Third: you have no right to talk about someone like that when you've never walked a day in their paws! We're not "bugs" running around in your home, we're a Clan looking for the place we belong! We have kits of our own to look after! One of them got torn apart by the dogs and now her sister's missing! You really think we're so heartless that we don't care about that? That we didn't do everything we could to save Thunderkit? You don't know what the hell you're talking about, kit! You're just a lazy, spoiled little…"

She stood there, chest heaving with every breath. Suki was frozen in place, shaking like a leaf in a windstorm, terrified of Carmen. Scared that Carmen was going to hurt her.

Slow down. Slow. Down. Breathe.

Oh, StarClan! What have I become?

None of this was Suki's fault. She was just a kit who the phantoms had no use for, parroting what was preached to her since birth. Was it really so bad that she'd never known Carmen's struggle? Could she really blame someone for choosing a comfortable life? For wanting nothing more than food, shelter, and some gentle scratches on the head?

No. Because if not for StarClan's meddling, Carmen would be in the same world as her. She stood on cold tile in a den rife with imitation plant smells and water that stung the throat, confronted with everything she used to be. Confronted with everything she could have been.

Oh, StarClan. What had she become?

"I…"

However much of this was her altered destiny and how much was her own desires, Carmen was certain of one thing: she wanted the Clan. She was going to have the Clan. If she had to tear this City apart, she would see it to its home. They had taken her in against their every instinct, fed and protected her while she insulted them to their faces, and fought by her side as an equal. Despite everything, they had accepted her. Trusted her. She refused to let them down now, after all they'd done for her.

But some things were going to change, and she didn't care how angry some warriors were going to be about it.

For starters, the younger cats wouldn't be treated so awfully just because of their age and rank. They were cats too, worthy of the same decency as everyone else. Carmen didn't know how she'd change the Clan, but she knew that swallowing her pride here and now would be a solid start.

"I'm sorry." It felt so wrong to say this to a younger cat. Some of their ways had truly rubbed off on her, after all. "I… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. You don't know any better. My life isn't any less than yours… but your life isn't any less than mine, either. We're just different, and that's okay."

She crouched down low to meet Suki eye to eye. "I'm not going to hurt you. But I can't stay. I'm just not wired for this life anymore. You stay here. Play. Eat. Be happy. Just… know that things aren't always the way you think. Always be nice to cats unless they give you a reason not to be."

"I, um…"

"I know you don't get it. Maybe you never will. But I just can't be happy here, not after everything I've been through. So, would you please go back to sleep? When you wake up, I'll be gone, and you'll never have to worry about some crazy stray yelling at you again."

"But… But how 're you gonna get out?" she asked, gazing into Carmen's amber eyes with a world full of innocence.

"I uh… I have someone on the outside. They're gonna open the window for me. But they're kind of shy, so you gotta go back to bed, okay?"

"… Okay. Um, bye, Carmen."

She made sure that Suki left before jumping back up to the counter. Carmen weaved her way around the strange human objects and stood before the little window with the floral curtain dancing in an artificial breeze.

Outside, crickets were chirping in the cool night air. There were plants and dewdrops and air fresher than this. A mottled bird soared in the sky above the house, its beautiful call a shrill warning to Carmen's ears.

"You wanted me, you got me," she whispered to the stars. "Open it."

A latch turned slowly. The panel slid up just far enough for her to slip through. She shoved her hulking form through the gap and landed lightly in a yard of manicured grass. She took one last look at the human den she was leaving behind.

"We're glad to see you come to your senses," uttered Silverpelt in her mind. "Welcome home, Amberstar."

Oh, StarClan, what had she become? Or more importantly, what would she?

"Please don't call me that. Not yet."

"Names are more important to a Clan cat than you can imagine. It's vital that you answer to one that fits."

"… Will the Clan have its own name? What will it be?"

"That, my dear, we cannot foretell. It may well be your fate to choose."

"So, I can pick the Clan's name, but not mine." She knew better than to argue with StarClan, so she simply answered: "Okay. I'll think about it. Maybe a name's just what it needs."