Testing Audio -DK Principessa

by kibass91

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20. Everything Has Changed Now

Penelope Bridgerton is left alone in her marital home, feeling lonely and lost when she has an unexpected revelation. She discovers that she is with child, two days after she sent the queen and her mother in law letters of being Lady Whistledown. She couldn't tell Colin, not after he still remained distanced from her, even after she poured her heart out to him and begged him to love her. Penelope decided she would flee Mayfair for the sake and the happiness of her child.

Will Colin be able to stop her from going when he finds out she is missing?

This story starts in season 3 episode 8 after Francesca's wedding, before the Butterfly Ball. As per the conversation between Polin at the Butterfly ball, it seems Colin was not staying with Pen in their house and she was all alone or they were apart even while being in the same house, it was not clear. I felt as though he had to be with her at such a time as a support and this is when Pen starts realising how lonely she is in this marriage. Here he is not staying with her.

Notes:

I already have an idea where the story will end and I will try my best to update the chapters as quickly as possible.

ENJOY!

Chapter 1: Where am I?

Chapter Text

Penelope is feeling lonely in her new house, missing her husband deeply.

—--

Penelope had already sent the queen and her mother-in-law letters of being Lady Whistdledown. She was preparing for better or for worse depending on the judgement of both the queen and the society. They were not the only ones she was worried about though, actually she was quite less nervous about them.

She was more anxious about her relationship with her husband. About how her mother-in-law might have reacted on learning her alter identity.

The letter was delivered the day before, surely Violet Bridgerton must have already read it and since Colin was there to explain everything to his mother, hopefully she will understand and try to see things from Pen's point of view. Penelope had tried to save the Bridgerton family more than once putting her own at peril, hopefully Violet will realise that even if Colin did not?

Penelope was stressed about what Violet's reaction might be and how Colin might also react in case her mother did not accept her being LW.

Penelope was ready for any decision or punishment Violet may take against her, after all it had to do with the Bridgerton name she was now joined to. 'But was she really a Bridgerton?', Penelope wondered, more than once.

The feeling did not sink in. She did not feel part of the family even if she was familiar with all the Bridgerton siblings. She did not feel she belonged among them even though she was a daughter-in-law and she did not feel as though she was worth it.

She was the Bridgerton daughter-in-law through her husband but if Colin had not accepted her as his wife yet then how could she be one of them…

The way Colin treated her when she was at their house the day following their wedding felt as if she was not welcomed there. "Penelope, what are you doing here" he said, until he saw her mother and changed his tone.

Pen wonders what Colin might have said if Portia was not there.

Could she not go to meet her in-laws? Or even her husband, to talk to him and try to solve the matter to try to look for a solution? To talk to him and apologise again for what she did or just perhaps together discuss means to work on their relationship because as it seemed, he did not leave the opportunity for her to do so.

Leaving the house so early in the morning the day after they just got married with so many questions unanswered and so many doubts in their head was not appropriate.

Colin was so distant. Pen was breaking her fast alone every morning, whether Colin was in the house or not. He would remain far away from her. Undoubtedly, she could not visit her childhood home every time for tea, this would arouse her mother's suspicions that things were not yet improved with her husband.

Penelope sat on the settee in their private chamber, looking out the window and thinking about the future and what it might hold. Surely Colin will need to take his time and she was ready to wait for it. She was ready to wait until his anger had calmed down and he would be willing to accept her as his wife, even if they would not be close as before, even if he might not love her the same way as before.

She gazed at the bright sunny weather outside and wondered…wondered about the time it may take for him to finally forgive her, or even talk to her. 'A month perhaps? A year? More than one year?', she sighed heavily.

Sometimes she wondered how their relationship would have been if she was not LW, even if LW was her own self. Perhaps he would never have had feelings for her. Colin would be in an entrapped marriage with Marina as Pen would not have succeeded in revealing the truth in the Whistledown column to save him.

Regardless, the series of events had occurred.

Surely, with time all will get better. Hopefully.

She went to the modiste that day to have a stroll and to talk with her friend Genevieve as it seems Colin still decided to stay at the Bridgerton house. Surely he had to initially stay there to comfort his mother when she obtained her letter but nonetheless, he remained there. Penelope had no news as to how her information had been received yet.

If Colin cared enough to come back to inform her, she would be aware and…she would feel less lonely if he decided to stay.

She missed him.

After having talked about her writer issues and jesting about other stuff with Madame Delacroix, Penelope was back home late in the afternoon. The moment she stepped inside the house, she sighed, for she was aware that it entailed absolute solitude again.

Colin would not be present until the night, or even at all. He did not care to keep her informed of his presence and she would have dinner unaccompanied one more time before retreating to bed.

She felt so lonely.

In her former home back at least she could preoccupy herself with her writing.

Writing about the ton and what was going on was amusing and it was fun even if it was viewed as a negative occupation. This allowed her to write and instil in her writings her passion for the job.

However it would not be possible currently. Pen could not write again now as the Queen was already aware and until she would be given the permission to do the same, for gossip or what not, she could not publish another column.

Penelope settled into her private chambers after her promenade. She was feeling more tired than usual, and a bit restless too. She was not sure what it could possibly be that made her feel as such. Her feelings of loneliness grew even more as she saw her private chambers empty.

No sight of Colin.

She felt an ache in her heart as though this might be the sight she would have the rest of her life. The feelings grew even stronger. Pen wondered why she was feeling all the emotions so deeply.

Perhaps it was the fact that she had not felt that loneliness for some time in consequence of not writing, or that she was feeling a bit lost in this new home.

It would inevitably require time for her to adapt. If only she had her husband by her side.

She let out a long sigh and peered at the vacant spaces that Colin should have occupied; either laying on the bed sleeping or sitting on the bed chamber settee removing his shoes back from a long tiring day or standing behind her, hugging her as she gazed in the mirror, telling her how beautiful she looked, just like during their first time of intimacy.

It felt like all those restless feelings were coming from her missing her husband too much. She thought a bath would be good to make her relax and feel light, free from her torments. She summoned Rae and took a long and well deserved bath.

She was glad there was at least some comfort in finding someone familiar in this unfamiliar abode even if Penelope was not someone who required the presence of others to feel comfortable.

In the Featherington house, among those of her own; her sisters and her mother she experienced constant strangerhood.

Thankfully she was feeling fresh and less glum. A feeling of hunger came over her and hence went to have her dinner. Alone. Again.

Penelope lay on her bed for the remainder of the night, lost in her own thoughts, sometimes looking at her wedding band and pondering on the meaning of her marriage, sometimes waiting for Colin to come back so she could have a glimpse of his face before going to sleep.

She ached for him.

Her husband had not touched her at all ever since they got married and she was wondering if it was because he was vexed or he didn't desire her. He did not even converse with her, or show her some love unlike before they were married.

Usually, Colin would return late at night. sometimes drunk then settling on the settee, that is, assuming he showed up at all. Other nights she would be by herself in their private chambers.

He let her go the day she informed him she would go in a different carriage. He did not even stop her. He made no attempt to.

He allowed her to leave in the carriage by herself even though they were married unlike when they were just friends and he felt compelled to enter her carriage.

Her heart was breaking thinking of how she missed her husband. Penelope was not married for even a month and it was as if her husband had abandoned her to spend more than two years travelling.

The words of her mother resonated in her mind; 'men are not important', 'a life unmarried is not bad'.

Could she have been right?

Penelope was willing to get married to Lord Debling to have a life of her own, to pursue her writing and no longer feel resentful in her own home with her sisters and mother. However here she was, not even able to write in addition to the absence of the man she loved that made it more difficult to concentrate on anything else due to her emotional turmoil.

Unquestionably she would not miss Lord Debling as Colin. She loved Colin. With all her heart.

The other day she started reading a book about a couple who met during a war but was incapable of completing it or even finishing the first chapter. Every now and then the issue of Lady Whistledown or her marriage would come to her thoughts or sometimes the issue about her mother being threatened by the esquire of the Queen for money laundering.

A drop of tear suddenly fell on her wedding band as she was looking at it and thinking of her failed marriage and tremendously missing Colin. It wasn't until then that she realised she was crying.

The tears had fallen from the agony she endured in her heart.

Her heart was aching.

Her heart was aching and there was no one to comfort her against it. No one to hug her and reassure her that matters would be alright or to persuade her to stop worrying.

Penelope sighed as she tossed and turned in bed. She thought it was better to put out the candles and sleep once and for all. Perhaps then, these negative thoughts would stop haunting her mind. Perhaps it will be a better day tomorrow.

She finally slept.

After getting dressed the following day, soon after spending the first few minutes in the morning in bed feeling nauseous, Pen went to have her breakfast, and of course alone.

Colin had not turned up in the night. 'He was still at the Bridgerton house?', 'or did he go back early?' Penelope kept pondering.

She didn't want to ask any of the servants. Either of the answers was still painful. She had no wish to know.

Agreed it was important to stay with his mother but was his wife not important too? Couldn't he have come to her for a little while? To check on her and see if she was still alive!

Penelope cut a piece of food in her plate too loudly as she thought of it, startling one of the servants, who in turn gave her a serious look.

This was her life now, having to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner alone.

Well, she is not the only lady who would, she convinced herself. Many others in society stayed alone in their house while their husbands went to brothels or to hunt. 'Colin couldn't have gone to a brothel, right?' The thought of it made her breathless. She would rather not give it any thought.

After breakfast, she asked Rae to accompany her to the market. She wanted to buy some decorations for their home. Even if it didn't feel like home, maybe some colours would lift her spirits slightly. Rae nodded.

Seeing Rae's gesture reminded Pen of how she was looking at her distinctively in the morning, while cleaning her bed sheets and was about to ask a question when the housekeeper came. 'What could she possibly want to ask? Probably about the bed linens or stuff', Penelope thought.

When she came back home in the afternoon, Penelope was feeling dizzy again. She wondered if it was the sunny weather that had made her in this state. She had however experienced plenty of sunny days in the past, but this was never her estate.

She went for a rest on the settee in her private chambers for a nap when Rae came "May I have a glass of water Rae?", "Yes Ma'am!"

After she drank the water she dozed on the settee.

When Pen opened her eyes it was already night. Rae came to check on her shortly after to see if she was awake and would need something.

"Rae, did Colin come?"

"No Ma'am", "Should I get you something to eat? Would you like to change or take a bath?"

Pen was feeling downhearted that Colin was not there slightly wary of what she wanted to do just yet, lost in reflections. "No Rae, I shall let you know", she replied with a weak smile.

Rae nodded and left.

Colin was not here today either. Was he well? Penelope was worried now that perhaps something might have happened to him. She decided to send a short letter to Eloise to inquire about her brother's health.

She took the time to get up due to her constant dizziness and got to the desk and carefully wrote to Eloise.

The letter was sent. 'Hopefully the response will be positive', she worriedly thought.

Just as she was getting up to go into her bed chamber, Penelope unexpectedly experienced severe nausea and felt as though she would soon become sick. She quickly sat back.

She shouted for Rae.

Rae arrived as soon as she could.

Chapter 2: An unexpected revelation and a hasty decision

Summary:

Penelope has an expected revelation after which she has to make a decision, and it has to be quick!

Chapter Text

Rae assisted Penelope to get into her bedchamber and offered her a glass of water then afterwards summoned the housekeeper to have someone prepare herbal tea to help soothe the nausea.

With anxious and concerned eyes, Rae seemed to be trying to say something to Pen. "What is it Rae? Is there something you wish to tell me?"

"Umm..yes Ma'am" Rae hesitated. "There was…umm… there is something I have been meaning to ask you for a few days."

"What? What is it?" Pen studied her eyes anxiously, stressed in case it might concern Colin.

"You have not had your courses for a very long time now and you are having nausea…"

Pen looked at her confused.

Her mother had told her nothing about it. Portia thought since her daughter had a love match then her husband would explain it to her and Colin Bridgerton did not seem the type to be unaware about these matters unlike her other son-in-law Mr Finch.

Regrettably Pen was totally unaware of what Rae was talking about. Colin had not shared the details with her…yet.

Regardless of how hard she tried to learn about the marital matters from her books or gossip, it was still concealed with much effort.

She gazed at her bewildered and Rae understood she was ignorant of the matter.

"If you did not bleed as you should have for the last two weeks and you are also having nausea, it might mean you are with child." "I did not ask in case you would not be or you were already aware of the situation, Ma'am."

Penelope gasped in shock. "How Rae?" "Are you sure?" her voice was shaking as her heart was racing.

She knew being with child was from love as her cousin Marina had briefly described but Pen was unaware of the signs that indicated the presence of the same.

"Ummm yes ma'am. Not bleeding when your courses are due and having nausea are two strong signs. Additionally, it would be a strong sign if you were throwing up." Just as she said that, coincidently Pen felt a sickness in her stomach and rushed to her chamber pot to relieve her stomach.

She came back to the bedchamber slowly with eyes on the floor, shaking, her hand on her stomach as she asked Rae: "What other signs are there to be sure, Rae?" "Please tell me so I can be absolutely certain", she felt desperate, her eyes were agitated.

"Well, you are already showing three strong corresponding signs, it could also relate further if you were having strong feelings such as deep anger or deep loneliness or any other deep feeling and perhaps the need to cry. A woman with child may feel these symptoms and many times shed tears unexpectedly. Have you experienced any of these as of late, Ma'am?", Rae asked with a concerned look.

Penelope remained immobile, as if unable to speak. She opened her mouth to reply but couldn't pronounce any words.

She lifted her eyes to look at Rae then slowly a tear rolled on her cheek as she slid both hands on her belly. She gasped for air and Rae immediately guided her to the bed.

"Are you well ma'am?"

"Yes Rae. Can you please leave me? I will let you know if I need you.", her voice barely a whisper.

"Are you sure ma'am?" Pen nodded and forced a smile. Her face was pale and her lips were trembling.

Rae left, looking back at her mistress not sure if leaving her alone in this condition was appropriate but she respected her choice.

Penelope cried as soon as the door closed behind Rae. She was holding her tears but she was unable to at this point. The pain was too much for her to bear. Perhaps it was as Rae had said, it was one of the signs, having such strong emotions.

She clutched on her stomach pressing both her arms and cried.

A child with the man who she had loved, she was so happy. But…a child with the man who was no longer for her. Who was no longer by her side. Whose face she hadn't seen for two days and who did not even care if she was alright or not. Who, perhaps, did not love her anymore.

Penelope Bridgerton felt a pang in her heart as hot tears streamed down her cheeks.

This is not the life she had chosen for herself but she was nevertheless ready for it to be sacrificed if Colin would never forgive her but this is not what she will choose for her child. Definitely not this.

Penelope felt lost. She sat on her bed. She sobbed. Her sobs started getting louder and more panting, she wasn't able to control herself. There was so much pain in her heart.

She was hurting.

Her feelings grew stronger, she felt as though she needed to unleash this pain on something. It was definitely the state of her being with child that was making her nerves so sensible. She was still trying to convince herself that she was indeed with child. The truth appeared so unconvincing.

Penelope has been totally ready to confess everything before the queen no matter the consequences and to continue living like strangers with her husband in the same house but no more henceforth.

She was with child.

Everything has changed now!

She could not bear her child to live in a house where the parents were not on good terms.

Penelope had lived all her life seeing her parents in conflict with each other and it made her miserable. She would not choose this life for her child, her innocent child.

She needed to act. Staying here would not resolve any of her issues. Penelope was not worried if the queen would punish her and she had to give birth to her child in a dungeon but was rather terrified at the thought that Colin, the father, would not care for his child since he had abandoned her after stating that he loved her.

'She had to leave. Yes!', Penelope reckoned. She would leave mayfair and never return, and raise her child alone.

She had the funds, and anywhere she settled she could write again; a book, a novel, anything, as long as she was able to make her child live a happy life.

She couldn't tell Colin, not after he still remained distanced from her, even after she poured her heart out to him and begged him to love her, kiss her and hold her as they had promised in their wedding vows 'to have and to hold'. She sighed and sneered.

Ever since he found out about her being LW he had stopped being by her side. Accusing her of entrapment…then she wonders if finding out she was with child would enhance that entrapment meaning. Colin would say he felt even more trapped with her in this marriage.

No.

He could not know about it.

That's it. It was her final decision. She decided she would flee Mayfair for the sake and the happiness of her child.

She shook her head frantically as her eyes widened in fear at the presumption of Colin finding out and disowning her and her child.

Her child would not be named as 'entrapment plan'. Never!

Penelope would send Colin a letter about their wedding annulment. She was having reflections already about the annulment during these last few days due to the way he was so distanced with her. Moreover with the Queen's bounty on her head, the Bridgerton family reputation might have been impacted somehow, this might be a valid reason for him to accept it.

There was no reason to stay in this marriage now that she was going to be alone. He need not bear her sight to stay tortured in this marriage with her. She had to let him go.

Now more so that she was with child, she had to convince him that it would be better to annul the marriage without him being conscious she was with child.

Pen wondered if Colin would accept an annulment.

Well, she would send him the letter before fleeing so that if he does not want to annul the marriage, Colin would have no other choice than to accept her absence. Another valid reason for the annulment would be the fact that he did not consummate their marriage.

Admittedly they were intimate already before the wedding but this was not a reason to stay away that much from her. It was her right as a wife to be provided intimacy, well it seemed more like a feeling Penelope desired and craved with her husband rather than a marital duty. Let's not talk about the wedding night he deprived her of.

As the thoughts ran through Penelope's mind, she tried to gather herself together and rushed to her wardrobe to pack her clothes. She had no idea why but she had to start somewhere.

Colliding with Colin the following morning or that night if he decided to show up then finding out about the child and mentioning entrapment then living in this miserable life, for her and her child would be too much to bear. Not her child. "Please No!" she exclaimed in an agitating voice, sniffling. Penelope was panicking now as she was gathering her clothes, thinking out loud.

The tears never stopped falling. As waves of emotions surged through her, she kept on shedding tears.

Rae knocked on the door to check on her.

"Come in!" Penelope immediately responded. She needed her help fast, she would not be able to manage on her own mostly when she was not in a stable state.

After explaining everything to Rae, who probably knew half of it already, she agreed to help Pen escape though she was very against it, mentioning that Colin had a right to his child. "Colin will not care for the child with the woman he feels trapped in a marriage with, Rae. Nor would he care for the child he feels is a plan of an entrapment", Penelope was almost shouting now with all the stress to leave and the panic of the situation.

Rae nodded immediately though completely disagreeing. She had compassion for Penelope and was probably her closest friend right now. Eloise could not be trusted so soon with such a secret. Furthermore, she was nowhere to be seen after Pen thought they had reconciled. Surely she could have visited, knowing her brother was in the Bridgerton house and Pen was here all alone.

Pen recalled the featherington house's situation. She would leave some money with her mother and since the queen was aware of her being LW, the esquire would not be able to say much and her mother could say the money came from her funds.

If time would permit, she would try to write a letter to the queen as well, providing an explanation and pleading for mercy and to convince the queen that the Bridgerton family should not be blamed for her identity.

Perhaps leaving the decision to the queen whether to inform the ton of her identity or not would be wise. In that way if she perhaps felt in power, the queen might not consider sending her footmen to look for her to punish her.

Her mind was racing with all sorts of suppositions.

Penelope decided she would use the help of Madame Delacroix who mentioned having discreet contacts outside the city. Pen surely could not live anywhere near, it would be a risk having any members of the ton spotting her or along with her child.

Rae gave Pen some food to eat because she needed to eat for two now, even if she was refusing to, claiming that packing was more important.

Just as Rae was helping her pack the last of her clothes, a letter came from the Bridgerton house. It was Eloise.

Hi Pen,

Colin is at home and doing well. He is just locked in his room all day, writing probably as last time when I went to visit him he was still editing his manuscript.

Don't worry about him Pen, he'll come over when he feels like it.

Hope you're doing fine on your end.

Love, El

He was doing well. Her husband was doing well and yet he could not care to come back to his home to see his wife. All he did was write, when she had just given up writing herself. Pen felt an angry feeling rush through her as much as she was relieved Colin was in good health.

She crushed the letter with her hands, rage and sorrow filling her eyes.

Pen was confident in her decision to flee now. For the last hour, she had had second thoughts, mostly after Rae had mentioned that it would be a bad idea.

It was not a bad idea. It was the best decision she would take for the future of her child.

The letter she wrote as she started packing had already reached Madame Delacroix. Surely the benefits of being Lady Whistledown were being reaped, otherwise at such an hour the letter would have reached the following morning.

As she waited for an answer from her confidant, Pen got dressed and was sitting on the bed, waiting. There was no more preparation than to wait. Her bags were packed.

She recalled the moments she spent with Colin. How they met, how they became friends, how he proposed, their first time, their wedding, their wedding vows and now all will be memories with no continuance.

All moments will cease to continue as she steps out of the door never to return.

She was fiddling with her fingers, tears dropping once in a while as she was remembering the past. Eyes red rimmed and lips downturned in sadness. The dress that she had just changed was shortly covered with teardrops.

Her thoughts were interrupted when one of the servants came with a letter. She swiftly took the letter. Madame Delacroix had arranged for a discreet carriage for her which would arrive shortly to take her on the outskirts of Mayfair.

Penelope summoned the housekeeper and informed that she will have to leave for very important matters soon.

This would erase suspects of her fleeing discreetly in the middle of the night.

Her carriage came. She was ready.

Ready to go.

Ready to start another life that would not include…Colin.

Chapter 3: Where is my wife?

Summary:

Penelope is all set to escape her current life to start a new one. Colin will soon realise his wife is missing.

This chapter moves to Colin's POV.

Notes:

Thank you for all your comments and for liking the story so far, I appreciate all your feedback.

Also, thank you for bearing with me, I will try to update the chapters as soon as possible.

Enjoy the new chapter!

Chapter Text

Inside the carriage, Genevieve left out a letter for Pen inside a box. It explained the whereabouts of the person she could meet to arrange for a house outside of Mayfair. Pen was glad she had such a good friend who was willing to help her in time of need.

Penelope could not hold it and was crying as soon as the carriage departed, wondering what would be Colin's reaction when he would find out about her and also because she would miss him deeply and immensely.

She had hoped for one last glimpse of his face before leaving but then all her plans would be ruined. Colin might refuse to let her go using some marital duty excuse or she herself might feel weak seeing his charming face and make the wrong decision to stay.

Pen had placed the sealed letter to Colin on the nightstand of their bedchamber. Surely he would come the following morning and would see the letter or if he had not, Rae would make sure it was sent to him by the afternoon. By that time she would already be outside of Mayfair and Colin would not be able to reach her, hopefully.

At the Bridgerton house at that hour, everyone was already asleep. Everyone, except Mr Colin Bridgerton. A letter from Kate and Anthony had been received from their travels and after everyone gathered in the drawing room to read it and miss them while fighting for chocolate macarons, they withdrew to bed, except Colin.

The werewolf hour was close and Colin was still at his desk, not able to edit the last page of his travel for his manuscript which highlighted the last day he was in Greece. In fact he was distracted as he was uncertain if he wanted to return to his house yet. His home where his wife resided.

He missed his wife. He missed her like hell yet he was incapable of getting off his lazy ass to visit her, to shower her with infinite love. 'His beautiful and pretty wife.', he thought, as he recalled her.

He couldn't figure out why he was unable to go over there. Maybe it was the shame he had for not being able to face her after all the harsh words he said to her? Or maybe because he felt so useless, unable to protect her from the queen or from Miss Cowper?

Colin sighed as he thought of the 'maybes' that could be used as a rational justification for abandoning his wife, all alone in their home. The home he was so eager to live with her in. The home that had witnessed the first time of their shared intimacy when he made her visit.

Colin recalled how the intimacy with Pen was what he had been searching for all along. As he was exploring his travelogue, he remembered his encounters with the women he was intimate with and none of them had given him the strong feelings he shared with Penelope.

They were not comparable to Penelope.

With Pen there was no distance, he felt so close to her.

He was himself with Penelope. 'Only with her', he wondered. He was utterly not comfortable to share some matters even with his family unlike he felt with Pen, such as his travel journeys.

Perhaps that is why he was so angry of the secret she hid from him or…perhaps he was too jealous when he realised Penelope as a woman was able to achieve so much on her own when he, a man, the one who society offered so much, was still lost and not even able to finish one damn novel.

He was so confused about his feelings. What was it that had distanced him from her that much?

Was it her or himself? Colin sighed heavily as he thought of his purpose and if it was indeed his writing. Even Penelope had found hers and here he was, still struggling.

As he recalled his wife and their moments together, his eyes shifted from his parchments to his bedchamber. They lingered there for a moment until his mind got back to reality.

He then realised how the bedchamber looked vacant. There was no sign of Penelope. How he preferred she was there when he lifted his eyes from his parchments, being there in her silky red hair and her light blue eyes smiling at him.

For that however he would have to visit her. Would he, now? The notion of that made his eyes mildly nervous.

His mother had already asked him the day before why he was still at the Bridgerton house being newlyweds and that the husband and wife ought to be together during such a stage of their marriage. She even suggested a honeymoon trip and Colin said they would think about it but never mentioned the same to Pen.

He felt too preoccupied with the recurring issues of the Queen and Miss Cowper to think about honeymoon. Violet had definitely sensed a tension between the couple.

He sighed as he realised he was unable to concentrate. If he was sidetracked in this way, he would never finish his manuscript. He was however unable to stop thinking about his wife, she brought solace to his thoughts.

Colin remembered how he got so annoyed at Pen. He realised now that it was jealousy that had made him so angry at that moment when he accused her of entrapping him. He instantly regretted it when he realised that Pen undeniably loved him and was not faking any feeling.

How he wished he had not uttered these harsh words. Fortunately, Pen did not reprimand him for that comment. He was anticipating for her to be vexed at him upon that remark but she wasn't. This does not nevertheless justify not offering her an apology.

He was certain she had undoubtedly not forgotten about it. He had to apologise. That comment was out of place and he was acting jealously rather than angrily even if it contained some fury.

This was not fair to Pen, she did not deserve that.

After all, she had loved him for a rather long period of time and in return he had never noticed her until recently. Perhaps he did, but he never reciprocated his feelings for her. 'Penelope deserved to be showered with unlimited love, admiration and cherished', he thought.

He unexpectedly felt an abrupt pain surge through him for being so far from his wife as he was absorbed in her reverie. Colin sighed and shook his head to get out of his trance. Pen's image in his head was entwined with his handwriting in his diary in front of him. He had to make a choice on which to concentrate.

What steps would he undertake next? After reflecting for a while, he made up his mind.

He preferred to let his jealousy and rage overcome his love for Pen and decided to not pay her a visit, leaving her alone for some time. Colin would not go over to his home now as he also felt the lack of courage to face her. He would have a conversation with her later, there was plenty of time for that.

Colin knew they were going to meet at the butterfly ball after all, as Penelope had decided it was there she would confess and reveal herself to the ton in front of the Queen and accept any decision she would make regarding her identity as Lady Whistledown.

'Hopefully they will forgive her and the blackmailing of Cressida will cease', Colin thought restlessly as he closed his diary. This was not the night he will be able to edit his manuscript. He'd better retreat to bed.

The following morning, he woke up almost close to noon.

Still unable to concentrate on his writings or anything else, he went to visit the Mondrich bar after lunch. He felt as if a drink might help since he was not feeling himself. He however ended up having more drinks than he anticipated, unable to stop, pouring another glass as and when he remembered his current issues.

In the afternoon he finally headed back home, after spending the entire afternoon at the bar. He was feeling bottle weary and decided to rest. Colin entered his bedchamber, removed his coat and tie and sinked in bed straightaway not realising there was a letter waiting for him on his desk.

Rae had sent Penelope's letter as he had not visited his home. Colin had thought that he would meet Penelope soon and maybe after her confrontation with the crowd he would feel brave enough to confront her.

When he woke up in the middle of the night he realised that he missed dinner and was anyway not feeling hungry. He slept for hours and no one dared to wake him up after he threw a fit when they tried to, the last time, when he had come home drunk as a fiddler and skipped dinner.

As he was redirecting himself to the drawing room to see if anyone was awake to talk or rant, one of the servants came to inform him of a letter in his bedchamber that was addressed to him in the afternoon when he was out. They attempted to notify him when he initially returned but he was too inebriated to respond.

He nodded and later went back to his bedchamber because apparently no one was awake to converse with. It was almost midnight and they were all sensible to sleep in time in comparison to Colin Bridgerton who was acting like a spoiled teenager as of late.

He closed the door behind and walked very slowly to his desk thinking it was probably nothing of great importance. Maybe someone was writing to him to congratulate him on his marriage or to ask if he wanted to join their business as it seems he was still on the job market.

Colin flinched when he saw the handwriting. He recognised it immediately. It was not who he was expecting to write to him. Surely if Penelope had something to say she would come to visit him here, right? Or maybe she did not feel she had the right to with the way he was behaving lately.

Colin shook his head as he tried to wake himself up fully through his intoxication, still feeling half asleep.

As he was opening the letter he was hoping there would be nothing alarming she had written about, perhaps it was just the issues about the Queen and Miss Cowper.

Dearest Colin,

I hope you are doing well and in good health. I am writing to you as I have very important news to inform you. I hope you will take this in the most considerable way and understand the step I seemed forced to take.

If you have obtained this letter in the afternoon at the Bridgerton house then it means you did not visit our home as I left it in our bedchamber for you on the eve.

By the time you are reading the letter, I have already left Mayfair and wish to never return.

I know that you feel trapped in this marriage with me Colin and I wish to let you go for your own happiness. I have loved you since I have met you like I told you before our marriage in the church. I have loved you sincerely and there is nothing that made me happier knowing you returned my affection. Then when you proposed I was over the moon, knowing that I would finally get the love I always hoped for in a marriage.

However I knew that there was the secret of Whistledown looming above us and once you would be aware of that, our relationship would never be the same. It did unfortunately. When you learned about my identity our relationship was shaken and you must have really hated me but I do not blame you for it, it is not your fault.

I'm also not certain if you might ever be able to forgive me, just like you had mentioned outside the printer the night you discovered my secret that you will never forgive me. I understand.

After we kissed on our wedding eve and you agreed to dance during our wedding breakfast dance, I hoped you were coming back to me. Alas, you distanced yourself even more Colin. Perhaps you do not feel comfortable in my presence anymore and I respect your choice.

Anyway, I feel more lonely these days and so unhappy than I would ever feel being married to someone with whom I did not share love. I do not blame you for it, perhaps you were never mine to begin with.

Moreover, my leaving would also avoid the tarnishing of your family name and reputation as there would be no blackmailing from Cressida and the Bridgerton name would not be affected.

As for the queen, since she is already aware and the ton might be as well in some time, in this case you might opt for an annulment of our marriage, this will be the best way to save you from being connected to someone like me. I have already sent a letter to the queen taking the entire blame of Lady Whistledown upon myself mentioning that your family had nothing to do with it.

An annulment is the best option for you Colin. I just wish for the best for you and your family and do not wish any harm to any of you.

I wish for you to be genuinely happy and it is quite clear that you are not happy in our marriage. I tried to approach you in most ways I could but the other day even after pouring my heart out to you after your sister's wedding, you have become even more distant. It seems as if that was your response to my requests.

I sensed how you distanced yourself due to the current situations but I was hoping to have my husband by my side in those strenuous moments. Even if I am a strong woman, I needed you. I however do not blame you for placing such distance between us, I comprehend the reason for your anger as I was the one who deceived and entrapped you in a marriage of lies.

I cannot see you unhappy in our marriage any longer Colin, I wish to set you free so that you are happy. If you are happy, I will be happy as well no matter where I am.

Do not try to contact me or look for me. I am very grateful for the small time of happiness you have bestowed upon me and the amazing family you have shared with me. Thank you.

I am sorry again for having hidden this secret from you Colin but it is me, I cannot help it. I am both Penelope and Whistledown and like you said after our wedding breakfast that you cannot accept it, it seems as though you've indeed be true to your words and have still not accepted me for who I am.

I do not wish to keep you trapped in this torment anymore. It will be better if we each live our lives separately. I am not fleeing from the decision of what the Queen or the ton will make. You matter more to me than any of them. I am making this decision for both of us.

Please forgive me if I have ever hurt you and for all the wrong I did to you.

I love you.

Yours truly,

Penelope

Colin slowly sat on the chair beside his desk unable to process what he had just read. He lifted his eyes from the letter, staring blankly, then read the whole letter again from the beginning. He was unsure how to react as he felt a mix of emotions; anger, sadness, broken-hearted, but mostly rage upon himself for not letting Penelope know how much he loved her and how much he desired to be with her more than anything.

Penelope would not have felt the need to go away from him had he expressed his love for her enough, had he not let his temper get the most of himself lately.

His eyes became teary, his heart was aching. His love had left him. His Penelope.

Without losing more time, he figured that he'd better go find her even though she had been gone for a while already. "There might be a chance that she might still be near Mayfair", Colin thought out loud, his voice shaking and barely coming out.

He had travelled enough to know how far one day's travel would bring her to. He would not take a carriage. He would take his horse. This would be faster to reach her hopefully, than a carriage which would take days.

Colin got even more enraged with himself for taking so much time to read her letter. Surely if he had taken time to visit her in their home, he would have found the letter the day before when it was written or could perhaps have been there before Penelope was gone and could maybe even succeeded in stopping her from leaving.

Or he could've seen the letter when he came back home this afternoon had he not been to the bar or when he returned home if he was not drunk as a lord. Penelope was right to leave someone as him, she did not deserve him. But…he loved her.

He loved her. Colin loved his wife more than he could imagine, even if he had been angry at her.

Tears dropped off his cheeks as he thought of her doll-like face and her shiny blue eyes. He could not believe he would never see them again. Her cheeky and lovely smile which made his heart shine whenever she would smile at him.

The last time he saw her face was when she was returning back home from his sister's wedding to write the queen and his mother letters. The face she had when she turned back to look at him before departing alone in her carriage was so heartbreaking. It was as if she was pleading with him to come with her but that day he had chosen to stay behind with his family.

Colin's heart sank thinking of that moment.

She had been yearning for his company and all Colin did was abandon her.

She was right, he was unequivocally not by her side. He left her alone in their new house, neglected, to care for herself. Assuredly she was a courageous woman but at a time like this she needed her husband. Yet, he had not been by her side.

Colin got up from his chair. This was not the time to be disoriented. He was ready to search for her with all his might until he found her no matter what corner of the world she was in.

He had to leave right away to avoid the likelihood of not reaching her. He could not possibly lose her. The mere thought of losing her made him feel sick. He shook his head frantically at that thought. He felt as though it was all a nightmare and he would soon wake up.

Colin folded the letter and put it in his coat, he took some money and left as quickly as he could, rushing down the stairs, almost falling. He ran faster than when he did when he followed her carriage the night of their engagement.

This was worse. He was losing her for good.

There was no time to inform anyone, and they were also sleeping. 'Hopefully by the time they are awake Penelope would already be found.' he wondered as he rushed through the corridors. Colin deep down knew this was not possible but he tried to falsely convince himself so that he would not lose hope.

Hope is what would give him the courage to find her. Hope and the love that he had for her.

He rushed to his house first to have a talk with Rae. He assumed she probably knew and might get clues of her whereabouts.

Rae kept her words to her mistress, lying that Penelope only asked her to pack her stuff but she was not aware of the situation nor did she inform her where she was going. Rae obviously knew where she was in case she had to inform Penelope of anything urgent pertaining to Colin.

Penelope did not want any harm to befall Colin and would inevitably try to ease his difficulties even if she would not be physically present, should he face any after she left Mayfair.

"Surely she told you about where she might be going?", he asked desperately.

"I do not know, Sir", Rae lied attempting to keep her voice from trembling, as she was, so he would believe her.

Colin believed her though nothing that she said helped. He had to start searching for her from scratch. He was feeling restless, unable to stay idle.

He thought of searching in their bedchamber in case he might find some clues redirecting to where she was going, even if that seemed pointless. He dashed up the stairs to their bedchamber.

As he opened the door to their bedchamber, a feeling of deep sorrow overwhelmed him.

Colin recalled how his wife's presence surrounded their bedchamber. 'Or was it even theirs?', he wondered. He left her here alone and slept outside on the settee every night. There were other places to sleep but he was unable to leave her sight.

Even then, it was not the better option than being with her in their bedchamber. He remembered the other night when he opened the door and was astounded by her beauty. There she stood, looking like a goddess, in her blue silk nightgown, plump red lips, her blue eyes gazing at him, her red locks covering one of her shoulders, leaving the other exposed.

Her eyes were pleading for him to come to her, pleading to be loved.

He had resisted himself that night, too consumed by his anger. He left her.

And now she was gone. Gone!

Colin felt a pang in his heart.

A hot tear dropped from his eyes, his vision became blurry as his eyes filled with tears. He was unable to stop them. His heart was in pain.

He tried to gather himself. The more time he lost, the further she would get on her journey. He hadn't the slightest idea where she was even headed. Where would he look for her?

As he was trying to search for clues, he noticed how most of her clothes were all gone. All but some old ones and…her wedding dress. He gasped.

When Penelope was packing, she had suddenly halted when she came across her wedding dress. That brought back so many memories; their vows, their wedding breakfast and the dance, then…the argument and him leaving her alone for her wedding night to sleep on the settee. She thought she had to leave this otherwise she would torment herself. She was already bringing a huge memory of him; their child. She didn't need more of him to torture herself.

'Did she hate our wedding so much?' Colin was left agape as he saw the dress. It was perhaps him to be blamed. He had abandoned her after their wedding and even on their wedding night. He attempted no move to talk to her to discuss their relationship and was constantly annoyed and irritated at her.

He was to be blamed.

Tears rolling down his cheeks, he looked away and down shaking his head, ashamed of what he had done. Ashamed of himself. Ashamed of the husband he failed to be.

'I will find you Pen, I promise', Colin promised himself to find the love of his life. He owed her an apology, or more than one and lots and lots of love.

But first and foremost, he had to find her.

Chapter 4: I cannot lose my wife!

Summary:

Colin desperately search for his wife everywhere like crazy

Notes:

Thank you for all the comments, I sincerely appreciate your feedback! :)

I was also angry how in the show Colin and Pen were fighting more than we saw them reconcile and there was no apology from Colin.

Don't worry, I will take care of that. Colin will have to suffer for the consequences of his action and he will grovel for Pen's forgiveness. He will need to suffer before finding his wife.

P.S. I am not aware exactly of the time taken to ride completely out of Mayfair so the time taken was just a supposition in the story. As per my research, apparently it takes 30 miles to ride daily in a horse carriage but on solo horse riding it is up to 35 miles daily and 8 to 12 miles per hour.

Enjoy!

Chapter Text

Colin did not find any clue and thought it best to leave their bedchamber otherwise he would keep on dwelling on Penelope's memories on every corner he would lay his eyes upon.

He closed the door and found himself faced to the settee, the settee he slept on everytime he was in their home, everytime he let his wife sleep alone in their bedchamber. How vile he had been. It was entirely his fault Pen felt compelled to leave.

Guilt engulfed him. He let out a heavy sigh.

Assuredly she had hidden her secret from him about being Lady whistledown but surely he could try to approach her to discuss it, right? She was not someone cruel. All she had written in her gossip column were nothing but the truth.

Why couldn't he be there for her when she needed him? After all, they had vowed to be by each other's side. He forgot about that, did he? He was fuming upon his own stubbornness.

Colin expeditiously rushed downstairs to start his search for Pen. Fully prepared, he returned to the horse he had taken on the way to their house.

He had to start somewhere.

But where? He had no idea.

He couldn't possibly stop people of the ton on the street to ask, they would be suspicious of the event and gossip about it.

He couldn't possibly ruin her reputation. For once he broke free from his self-centeredness and the concern for his family's reputation only, even if that was undoubtedly of utmost importance but this time, he also gave his wife some consideration. The woman he swore a lifelong commitment to care for.

It was not possible to obtain many answers at this hour of the night anyhow, he had been too late and had little chance. If only he had been more responsible and had read her letter sooner. Unfortunately.

Colin rode as fast as he could and as far as he presumed Penelope might be because it was almost a day since she had left and couldn't possibly be anywhere nearby but rather outside of Mayfair.

Fortunately it was night and the road was clear, or unfortunately, as there would not be many people awake to help. Colin was sceptical.

A little far away from their residence, he started his search by stopping at every motel or hotel or restaurant in case his wife might have stopped for the night or to eat something.

Surely there were not many redheads in the vicinity and as short and plump as Penelope most likely not. She was unique. 'She was one in a million', he thought.

To his dismay, no clues relating to Penelope were found at any of them. The accommodations had not welcomed any or not short redheads the day that had gone by. He even discreetly asked some of the carriage drivers in case Penelope was inside as he came across some of them on his way. Alas.

Colin kept searching for hours, not resting. He kept on searching, pausing at every accommodation he encountered until it was almost dawn. He was very far from home and besides, he started feeling weak. Weak that he might lose his wife for good.

'Or maybe he already lost her?', he shivered at the mere thought of it.

Colin was feeling disconsolate when he got back on his horse as if he might just pass out with anguish. His hands felt cold from the distress.

He thought it wiser to go back home and return afterwards with better ideas on how to find her. Benedict, his brother, could be of some assistance to him then perhaps. In pairs, the search will have greater viability.

He will have to narrate everything to his brother though. Or Colin might leave some of the sour details of how miserable of a husband he had been that his wife had to leave him to experience a glimpse of happiness because he was too immature to provide her any. He shook his head at that feeling.

Colin felt torn apart as he stepped down from his horse back home.

The sun was already out and the Bridgertons would be waking up to break their fast anytime soon. He had to inform them of the calamity that had fallen upon his family. His family being him and Penelope.

That family was no more. There was only him now, and he was the cause. He was feeling ashamed of revealing the motive behind her departure. He deduced he would not disclose the justification to them.

Yet, manifestly his mother would naturally know since she was now cognizant that Penelope was LW and that it must have been the factor of their pre-wedding angst. Even if Colin had not spoken about his private marital matter to his mother, she was old enough plus quite experienced to have a notion of their detachment.

Colin despondently sinked in a chair in the drawing room beside the window, reflecting.

He envisioned how his life would be if he was never able to locate his wife, his best friend, his soul mate.

Who would he share his travels stories with? Who would laugh at his silly jokes when he decided to tell them? Who would cherish him and lavish him with love, devotion and tenderness other than his irresistible wife? His heart was burning.

He had lost the treasure of his life. Penelope was the moon that brightened his existence.

How could he not see that? No one else was to be blamed but him. He had to be reprimanded for it. He needed everybody to yell at him, blaming him for being a good for nothing, only then would he feel content. That was what he was worth.

His heart felt heavy in his chest as he looked at the door waiting for his family to appear so he could share how his life had suddenly turned upside down.

Eloise was the first to arrive. She was bored and decided to read her new novel in the drawing room until she would join the others to break her fast.

As soon as she saw Colin, before he could inform her about anything, she asked whether he had visited Pen lately since his wife had inquired about him the day before yesterday and Eloise was unable to find him afterwards; either being absent from home or too drunk when he was.

Colin was unable to reply, again lost in the thought of his recurring immature behaviour as he recalled how reckless he had been.

"Is everything alright, brother?" Eloise looked at him concerned, as she knew Colin was silent only when something was disturbing him, otherwise he would be insufferable.

"She is gone Eloise", Colin replied, his voice barely coming out.

"Gone? Who? I do not understand. What's wrong?" Eloise was confused as she was not sure of the words she heard since Colin was almost whispering.

Colin turned to look at her sluggishly, breaking from his blank stare at the floor. His appearance demonstrated a shattered look. "My wife is gone. She left me. I've failed as a husband. I was unable to make her happy. You were right, I should not have made my marriage be the scar but I failed and it did." He sighed.

"Now I am left alone Eloise…all alone", his voice became a whisper as he let out the last two words and turned back to continue staring blankly at the floor beside the window.

"What? I… uh… are you sure brother?" Eloise was shocked.

Colin nodded without looking back at her. His eyes became teary. Just as the tears were about to fall, Hyacinth and Gregory entered the drawing room followed by their mother. They just woke up and were heading out to break their fast.

"Ah Colin! I thought you would be at your house with your wife. A husband should not stay so long away from his wife, after all you are newlyweds, surely you both might want to spend time together now", Violet chuckled and smiled at him cheerfully.

"You were right mother, I am to be blamed. I deserted my wife for too long and now she is gone", Colin replied, still unmoved, still staring blankly at the floor, his voice monotone. It felt like his eyes were unable to move. He appeared frozen in shock and was still processing Penelope's disappearance at the back of his mind.

Violet's face became pale. She was not certain that was what she had heard, just like Eloise a while earlier. She and Eloise looked at each other with concern and worry.

"Colin, are you still drunk? Surely it is very early in the morning, you could try to abstain from it during that time of the day at least?", she replied calmly yet annoyed.

"I am no more drunk, mother. My wife is gone and I am to be blamed for it", he then turned to look his mother in the eyes, trying to convey with his gaze the secret they had both just shared about his wife. Violet gasped and immediately understood his hint. She turned to her other children and signalled them to leave. Before heading off, Eloise gave her brother a worried glance.

His mother sat down beside him, taking the time to inquire about the potential issue as he clearly seemed troubled. He returned to his staring area.

"Colin. What're you saying? What do you mean Penelope left?" She shifted her voice to a whisper "Is that because of her being Lady Whistledown?"

Colin looked at her, shame filled his eyes, not able to reply to his mother of the atrocities he inflicted on his wife.

"Colin, do not tell me you have been upset at Penelope and abandoned her because she is Lady Whistledown. I know you are sensitive but surely this is not the time to behave like a boy. She is your wife. You vowed to look after her in front of God at church." "You couldn't possibly disown her in a moment like that." Violet looked perplexed and worried.

She swallowed, carefully choosing her words, knowing Colin is sensitive and any wrong words might have an adverse reaction.

"Where is she? Has she gone to her mother? I can accompany you to reason with her. She is a sensible woman, I am sure she will not want to break your marriage." Violet's voice was soft.

"She is gone mother, and…she would never have left if I had not compelled her to do so", Colin replied, his voice breaking and his tone low.

"I was too angry at her and I distanced myself so much without realising how alone she must have been." "She asked me the other day to love her, to be there for her and I ignored her…", Colin's voice started to shake and tremble. He ceased talking as he knew otherwise he would break down and sob. Being aware that he would be unable to stop, he was reluctant to begin.

"Colin, please tell me she did not leave because you distanced yourself from her upon learning she is Lady Whistledown. Please tell me!" Violet's tone was increasing, no more caring if anyone would hear her just as she became aware of the gravity of the situation.

Colin was ashamed to look at her and nodded while looking in the corner of his eyes where his mother sat. "It's exactly that mother", he said, his tone still low but clear. His eyes lowered in shame.

"Colin Bridgerton!" Violet exclaimed.

Colin did not jump nor did he look surprised. He was kind of expecting that.

"Do you not realise how much she has done for us in that identity?" she lowered her tone, "I agree sometimes she has said sharp things but it was all in the intention of saving us, saving you, saving your brothers and sisters." "Don't make me start with the details, of course you are fully conscious of them."

"Now that the Queen is aware who she is, I hope she is merciful towards her." Violet placed her hand on Colin's arm to make sure he was mentally present and listening as he continued staring vacantly at the floor.

"But surely she needed you by her side more than ever in this stressful predicament Colin, how could you abandon her like that?" Her eyes were full of worry for her family, for Penelope and mostly for her third born, being cognisant of his sensitivity and the way even seemingly insignificant things affected him.

"Will you try to look for her?" Violet inquired. "Of course mother, she is my wife", Colin looked back at her desperate, his voice normal and affirmative, pressing on his last word. "In fact, I spent the night doing so. I just returned after obtaining no indications of her whereabouts." Colin's eyes started becoming teary as he pursed his lips.

His mother pressed his arm, offering some consolation.

Violet sighed, reflecting on the situation and the solution and what could be done to remedy the same.

Before she was able to add anything else, Benedict entered the drawing room. A look at the scene and he understood somehow that the situation was not positive.

He approached his brother who still sank in his chair, unmoving, his eyes reflecting immense agony. Colin explained the situation to Benedict with the help of Violet of course since he was stumbling on his words too many times or unable to speak as his voice was shaking desperately.

Benedict offered to help instantaneously and took Colin to eat something so that they would have the courage to search for Pen during the day as he seemed very weak.

After replenishing their energy at breakfast, the two brothers were set to search for Penelope. Eloise came to wish them luck and indicated that she desired to see her friend back.

She patted Colin's back as he was getting ready.

"You will find her, don't worry." Colin nodded. "I also want to see my friend", she gave him a weak smile and waved as they entered their carriage.

Benedict thought it wiser to go by carriage so that they could pause somewhere if they were unable to find her before night and additionally to avoid coming back home and starting the search from scratch. Colin agreed as his mind seemed to no longer be functioning to argue alternatively.

They brought some food and basic stuff for about some days' journey, unable to fathom until when they would return.

They resumed at the accommodations Colin had stopped the night before, inquiring about Penelope and sometimes themselves searching for her throughout the crowds.

So far nothing had been of positive results and Colin started to become more despaired. Benedict noticed his condition and decided to halt for the night at the last hotel they had inquired, so they could rest. The accommodation seemed decent and they would have a good night's sleep before resuming the following day.

Colin was recalling how the night before he had thought that he would have all the time in the world to talk to his wife, waiting for the butterfly ball to do so. Yet, here he was….missing her like crazy, dying to get even a glimpse of her. He sighed painfully at the thought of her and the ache of missing her.

It had been foolish of him to wait so long.

How he hoped his wife would come back, how he hoped he would find her forthwith. He couldn't bear the thought of losing her, not forever. He was utterly tormented at the thought of 'forever.'

'What would Colin Bridgerton become without his wife?', he thought, looking outside the window at the clear sky, in their hotel bedchamber.

Colin was unable to sleep whereas Benedict was already snoring. Gazing at his brother, he felt grateful for his presence because it appeared that he had already become bewildered in his wife's remembrances.

After more than one day's travel, Penelope was starting to feel uneasy. 'After all, it was the first time she was travelling while being with child.'

'No.' She rectified her thought.

'It was the first time she was travelling, while knowing she was with child.' Surely she was already with child when she had travelled before. 'When could it be?' Penelope had no idea, she was so ignorant on the matter.

Thankfully a maid had come with her as chaperone to assist her. Penelope would ask her about the matters of being with child and maybe she might have more answers to her questions than her mother decided to inform her about.

Penelope was unaware that one time of intimacy sufficed for a woman to be with child. She supposed it had to be more than once probably. Well, that is what she assumed on her own because no one ever cared to explain anything to her, neither her mother nor her husband.

But then why would he? All he ever cared about was to possess her. As soon as she belonged to him it seemed as if he was through with her. He left her alone to rot. He seemed obstinate to punish her. Penelope felt agony overwhelm her at that notion.

She would not cry, not anymore, not for the man who felt entrapped in her love.

That being said, she was not remorseful about their child.

She was on the contrary, elated that such a beautiful moment resulted in a child, an offspring she could call her own.

Penelope did not regret any moment spent with Colin.

She rather wished that there had been more of those moments. Colin had spent the last few days so furious at her for being LW, for being herself, that they didn't get to spend more memorable moments together. She had hoped to have more memories of him now that she was about to spend a lifetime in his memories only.

Penelope had no desire to get married again. She had been hurt enough, there was no necessity to add more to that suffering.

Hopefully this child will love her like no one ever did unlike her family or her husband.

They would care for each other. At that point, she wouldn't require anybody else in her life. Penelope envisaged her future, as she looked outside of the carriage window, contemplating the view outside of Mayfair.

She was travelling. Just like her husband.

How she had imagined travelling along with Colin. Touring the world together hand in hand, viewing and discussing the sceneries outside the same carriage but here she was, travelling alone, running away from the same man she dreamt of travelling with. Her gaze remained fixed outside, consumed in her own reflections.

She had stopped one time the day before to eat and to buy supplementary food on her way as she had packed in a rush and brought no food, but then chose to quickly resume her journey in case one of the Bridgertons might come looking for her after Colin obtained her letter.

Pen pondered over the possible current situation at the Bridgerton house. Every member must have assuredly been baffled, including Colin unquestionably, but after some days he would undoubtedly feel relieved to be rid of her.

He would need no excuse to sulk or be gloomy now that the biggest issue of his life was out. There would be no Whistledown attached to the Bridgerton name and she made sure of that in her letter to the queen.

Penelope stopped at a hotel which seemed quite approachable, for the night, just to sleep prior to resuming her trip. In light of her condition, the maid advised her to get some rest and that lengthy journeys without stops could be perilous. She accepted.

Thankfully she was being advised.

She didn't bring Rae along. She deem it better to let her stay back to look after Colin, she found no one else trustworthy. Penelope asked Rae to make sure Colin was being looked after and to cater to his needs, until he decided to dismiss her probably. This was also Rae's choice. In addition to informing her mistress about any issue pertaining to Colin, she would also look after him in her absence, as her Master.

Furthermore, now that Penelope was going to start a new life she wanted everything afresh, even having a different maid, despite the fact that it was more challenging. Seeing Rae might have perhaps made her remember her previous life; how Rae had helped her spend time with Colin unchaperoned on various occasions when she was still unmarried.

She then remembered their first kiss.

A tear slid across her cheek, sinking into her pillow as she recalled that full moon's night.

That had been the first intimate moment between her and Colin. It was one of the most beautiful days of her life as she closed her eyes and appreciated the love of her life kiss her, the man she had loved. Subsequently, how reality hit back when she opened her eyes, realising he didn't reciprocate her feelings and how he just merely granted her request.

Penelope realised she was experiencing the same feeling presently. When Colin had proposed to her, she felt over the moon, when they got married she was absolutely thrilled but then when he distanced himself from her entirely and now that she escaped, it felt like she was woken from a dream and had been thrown back to reality.

Penelope wondered what her husband must be doing at that moment. Did he miss her like she did? Or was he somewhat glad to be rid of her? Anyhow, she had to get over worrying about him for he was far away from her and would soon exist only in her memories.

With that, Penelope Bridgerton let a last tear sink into her pillow before falling asleep with a heavy heart.

She promised she wouldn't cry for him but the heart pays no heed.

Chapter 5: Hope is a waking dream

Summary:

Will Colin finally find Pen? Find out in this chapter.

Notes:

Let me know your feedback, it's deeply appreciated.

Chapter Text

As Colin wakes up from his settee, he does not find Pen and gets anxious. Their private chamber is rather dark and blurry, the candle lighting the chamber in the corner on the desk seems to be almost dead.

He calls out her name but she doesn't reply, fear starts to engulf him as his heart races. He steadily moves to their bedchamber looking around frantically as the place appears unfamiliar and too quiet. After entering, he suddenly notices that the floor beneath him is starting to crack following in his footsteps.

He scans for Pen hurriedly, his heart pounding louder in his chest, however her absence is clearly noticeable. Colin then sees Pen outside the bedchamber gazing at him in sadness, tears flowing down her cheeks.

"Goodbye Colin" she says, her voice sounding distant. "Don't look for me Colin" Her voice now echoed in the walls as he started sensing the earth shaking beneath him. He placed his hands covering his ears as a loud cracking noise came from the floor next to him.

He shouts for her. The roof begins collapsing above Penelope and he presumed she would die if he did not intervene to save her. "Pen, give me your hand. We need to get out of here," he shouted distraughtly. He held out his arm to her beyond the door. Penelope remains idle. "Goodbye Colin" she says once more as she seems to be drifting away, her voice sounding even further. She repeats those two words until the roof collapses on her.

"PEN!" Colin shouts deafeningly as he awakes in a sudden, in a sitting position, scaring Benedict. Benedict approaches him and consoles him immediately as Colin is looking all scared and sweaty. "Colin, it's fine, I am here." "Did you have a nightmare?" Benedict was still half asleep but trying to calm Colin, softly placing a hand on his shoulder.

Colin, breathless, was slowly drifting back to reality as he realised he was staying in a hotel with Benedict in search of his wife just after he was examining his brother believing he was in his own bedchamber at the Bridgerton house.

Benedict offered him water and sat beside him for a while listening to the reason he shouted. Colin was unable to gather his words, shifting back to a dreamlike state while attempting to recall what he supposed he had just experienced.

'What could this be? Why was their home breaking?' Colin reflected. It could only mean that their 'home' was broken because his wife, Penelope, was no longer there. She was the pillar that supported his home and now she was gone. Visioning her bidding him goodbye was heartbreaking and he preferred to forget that dream.

While in his dream, the sensation of permanently losing her felt so real and intense.

Colin was shaking as sweats dripped off his temples and tears began rolling incessantly down cheeks, his heart raced, booming. He had been traumatised.

After a while Benedict retreated to bed while Colin paced the bedchamber, panting, attempting strenuously to return to his normal state before falling back to sleep.

The following morning, as soon as Penelope woke up she felt sick and threw up three times before deciding to finally break her fast with some plain bread. The journey was not over and she had yet to meet the individual who would help her find a suitable accommodation to permanently settle.

To help her feel better and hit the road sooner, the maid had mixed up a concoction for her. Penelope had no intention of halting there for very long. The sooner she settled, the less she would experience the journey sickness and shifting of locations also seemed to affect her due to her current condition.

As she resumed her journey, Penelope contemplated her wedding band. While writing the farewell letter Penelope had considered leaving her wedding band but then she reckoned it was one memory of their union besides their child she desired to preserve.

One day maybe she might choose to bury it deep in a drawer and move on from her husband's memories. Though it was not soon, the time would come. Thankfully she had taken the first step of leaving him.

Colin finally gave in to Benedict's fourth attempt of forcing him to eat some breakfast as he did not want to due to feeling sick from the previous night's incident. He was still dealing with the emotional effects of his trauma as he kept recalling it.

"Shall we go brother?" Benedict came to call him as their carriage driver was waiting, he did not respond. His older brother knew Colin was not healthy enough to travel but would not admit so and would unquestionably not consent to pause for longer as this would reduce the likelihood of finding Penelope. Colin ultimately got up and weakly headed towards their carriage.

They resumed their investigation by every accommodation or as at now additionally asking people on the street since they were somewhat far from the ton and could avoid being recognised. The Bridgerton brothers next stopped at a hotel in Scotland.

As Benedict was inquiring at the main reception for Penelope, Colin stood outside breathing some fresh air as he had been sick during the whole journey. His hand rested on the side of a wall, with eyes tired, his shirt loosened without a waistcoat and hair dishevelled, Colin looked as if he had just woken up from a nightmare as people passing by gave him stern looks, and in fact he had.

"Colin!" Benedict gave him a loud call. Colin turned to look at his brother rapidly, frowning on his tone.

Benedict said nothing more, just stood there staring at him. Then he smiled slightly and nodded.

Colin was dumbstruck, his frown fade, his jaw dropped faintly. 'Could this mean…?' dozens of thoughts ran through his mind.

He instantly rushed inside bypassing his brother. Benedict came running behind him. Colin looked at the receptionist nervously but before he could swamp the individual with questions, Benedict explained. The reception had actually confirmed that a plump short woman with red locks accompanied by a maid had indeed visited and stayed the night, just the day before. There were other details that were also confirmed.

Coli's gaze shifted from his brother, fixed on the man at the reception enthusiastically awaiting approval to what his brother was saying.

Upon receiving an affirmative sign he faced back his brother, eyes brightened, grinning breathlessly. There was a glimmer of hope filled in his eyes upon the revelation he just obtained, an aura of positivity permeated the atmosphere. His eyes became watery but unlike the previous days it was not out of melancholy.

Benedict felt relieved to see his younger brother exhibiting a sign of joy after suffering for so long. Benedict gave him a pat on the back as he smiled back heartedly at his baby brother. "Soon she will be back with you brother." Colin nodded and sighed contentedly as he shook the receptionist's hand in gratitude and gestured a thankful nod, still grinning.

He was feeling hopeful again for having acquired at least a clue, an inkling of promise to the path towards his wife, his happiness. Colin hugged his brother in gladness. Benedict patted his back.

Colin afterwards attempted to gather further information from the receptionist and regrettably obtained none more but was nevertheless relieved to have obtained a significant indication. If Pen checked into that hotel it would imply she had followed the same route and could be in the vicinity. Hope glistened in his eyes.

Colin could almost picture himself giving Pen a big hug and bringing her back home.

They eagerly interrogated every other accommodation nearby including people on the street but obtained no further helpful clues. Penelope had wrapped herself with a coat after becoming sick as she had been shivering due to weakness. On certain occasions, she was reluctant to eat sufficiently after throwing most of her meals, she was too consumed by her despair. Her coat did not make her red locks visible and too many short women came with a maid.

Some days after , Colin recognised how he had been neglecting himself as he saw his stubble and messy hair while staring at his reflection in the mirror in the morning. He decided to pay a visit to the barber.

Penelope, in the meantime, was finding it harder and harder to pause for little periods of time to swiftly continue her journey. She occasionally felt forced to stay during the day or more than one night before resuming her journey.

Her maid had just served her some hot vegetable soup and lit the fire. Penelope drafted a list of work she might do to survive. Perhaps not now, in the future when her child is old and before her LW savings run out.

She had some ideas already. Perhaps an article writer, or a novel writer. 'What about an editor?' Penelope pondered as she recalled that Colin did not allow her to edit his writings but maybe someone might trust her enough to hire her as editor, paying her sufficiently to support her baby.

She was still thinking about Colin..obviously. However, she chose to give her future some thought.

While at her previous hotel, Pen took some time to visit a nearby library to feel a sense of comfort and perhaps find an interesting book. Subsequently, she came upon a travel-themed novel and purchased it.

Penelope desired no more to read novels of love stories to inflict more hardship on herself. 'Hopefully one day she will discover a book of travelling chronicles written by a woman' Perhaps herself?' she pondered as she glared at the chamber's blazing fire. Her eyes not blinking at all, absorbed in her notion.

Penelope was maddened by society's denial of women's writing freedom. What was wrong in that? It meant no harm to anyone. That was the primary cause of her and Colin's argument. 'Or perhaps their relationship itself was not strong enough.' She blinked and dropped her attention to her book and opened it to the first chapter. This will keep her busy for a while.

Colin finds Penelope running away and not stopping, her small little feet moving fast through the curtains. As she runs through the curving path of the market, she keeps looking back at him while giggling, sounding more like a teasing laugh than a cheerful one.

Unexpectedly, she disappears through the many colourful curtains of the market and so does everyone else. Colin finds the surroundings growing dark and silent. The market gradually disappears. He notices a well to his proximity and approaches it. As he advances, he hears Penelope's voice calling out to him. He peeks inside the well and finds her in the deep dark hole, falling slowly.

Colin is horrified and stretches out his hand to her speedily but she plummets downwards while shouting his name, her arms flowing freely as she falls and as he watched her disappear completely Colin cries out for her: "PEN! NO! PEN, COME BACK!" "DON'T GO!" "PEN!"

Colin wakes up abruptly finding himself in the dark, panting, and perspiring profusely. He was having another nightmare about losing Pen. Benedict came and sat beside him.

"How did it come to this point?", he sounded worried for his brother. "You were both so happy and suddenly here you are having nightmares over her" Benedict sighed.

It was the fourth time he had had a nightmare of losing Penelope. Days had passed since they had obtained their first clue regarding Penelope but were still stuck at that point. They had not progressed and weren't slightly ahead. Colin feared their search seemed to be meeting a dead end.

Colin looked at him tensely, unable to reply.

"Go to sleep brother." "We will find her soon and all will be fine." Benedict pat Colin's shoulder with a reassuring nod. Then kissed his head before resuming to sleep.

Colin, still panting in his sitting posture, watched as he went back to his bed.

Colin was unable to sleep again for the fear of having another nightmare and additionally because his thoughts were racing with the possibility that he would not see Pen again, that he might have to return without her at some point and live the rest of his life in solitude. She, who made her feel fulfilled would no longer bless his presence.

The following day, Colin fell sick and was unable to travel. He was throwing up and was unable to eat much. His eyes were red and his body was shaking. He had also developed dark circles due to poor sleep. Benedict knew Colin would not consent, so he imposed on him to stay.

Colin experienced another nightmare that night as he had developed fever whilst asleep. Fortunately, Benedict was by his side to help him recover and the temperature did not become too high.

That night Colin sat by the window crying, worried that she could have travelled much farther and he would not be able to catch her or locate her at all.

Good news, their visit did not last long and the next morning with Colin feeling somewhat better, they set off again to continue their pursuit. They paused by a hotel for the night in Scotland where they had initially inquired about Penelope.

Even though it was still early in the evening, Benedict determined best for them to stop for the day because Colin was recently sick and still a bit fragile. Furthermore, he had not slept well for the last few days. This way, he could go to bed early and catch up on lost sleep.

It was the same hotel Penelope was lodging at.

Sadly, she had fallen sick too and the maid had advised her to not travel until she recovered. Although Pen was feeling considerably better today, she was suggested to spend one more night before continuing on her travels.

That was the last destination and Pen would meet Genevieve's acquaintance the following day to assist her in finding a permanent place to live.

After the brothers settled down the payment and the details at the desk, Benedict brought their luggage to their chamber while Colin scanned his surroundings hoping that by some miracle he would spot Pen there, her radiant smile on her face.

As he did at every hotel they visited to inquire or stay, he scrutinised all the areas before withdrawing back to their chamber. It was on the third floor and he felt lazy; he had several steps to climb.

While climbing the stairs leisurely he greeted the passers-by. The folks there seemed friendly and social. The stair area was rather noisy as everyone was chattering. He managed to get to their bedchamber and made himself comfortable. With the light emitted from the window, the bedchamber appeared bright making the atmosphere appear tranquil and serene.

Colin remembered his own bed chamber. The one where he had forsaken his wife to stay, alone.

He and Benedict decided to visit the lounge to relax a bit before dinner. The sun was almost out and there was not much to do outdoors. Colin glanced at the individuals over there as they relaxed.

An elderly man was sitting by himself; nobody else had come up to chat with him. Perhaps he was living there permanently or travelling alone on some sort of expedition. Colin could not possibly know.

Next, there was a family with three children who were arguing over biscuits as it appeared the parents were not able to afford many of them. Gazing upon them, he noticed a family of three to his right.

There was a man and a woman and what appeared to be a newborn child. They all appeared rather happy and the baby was giggling, looking bubbly.

Given how young they both looked and how little the infant seemed, the pair appeared to be newlyweds. Just like him and Penelope were.

As Colin looked at them, tears flooded his eyes. He wondered how delighted they would be as a couple if they had a child of their own; if Penelope was at his side, they might all be just as happy as that small family. He would have his own little family.

He started sobbing, feeling emotional from the scene and as he began to sob more loudly, Benedict got alarmed and hurriedly glanced at him, horrified if anyone had noticed him crying. Fortunately, everyone was preoccupied with their own life and hadn't noticed Colin as they were concealed in a corner. He attempted to shush him but knew it was to no avail.

After bringing him to their chamber, Benedict attempted to calm him as he was having a breakdown. Colin screamed, knelt down and wailed like a madman.

"PEN…" "Penelope…" and Benedict had to console him to calm down.

In addition to missing his wife, Colin was depressed for missing too much sleep; he was becoming hysterical.

He finally became composed and went to wash his face.

Benedict checked on Colin's well-being and, as soon as he was quiet, took him out for dinner, distracting him with conversations of diverse topics.

Penelope had eaten in her bedroom while attempting to complete her book's sixth chapter. She had requested the maid to bring in her dinner since she didn't feel like walking down. Perhaps she might go downstairs later to sit and unwind for a while. She didn't want to overexert herself before resuming her journey the following day.

After having another nightmare in the middle of the night in which he apologises to Pen and begins to cry, Colin wakes up and begins to sob loudly.

Benedict informs him that these dreams must cease for his well-being and that in order for them to continue their journey early the next morning, he needed to get some sleep before. They have a heart to heart conversation as his brother is anxious for him, sitting by his side on his bed before retreating to his.

Colin goes to the lounge to decompress as he can't sleep. He sits by the bar and drinks only water since he doesn't want to get wasted or become sicker. The state of remaining sober aided him to remain focused on his memories as he would think of his wife.

Looking around, he saw that not many people were in the lounge at the moment and that most of them were simply relaxing alone. Just as he was observing his surroundings, he recognised a familiar figure.

A short woman, plump, with red silky locks, exactly like his wife.

'Penelope?!'

'Could it be?'

Colin's eyes widened as he attempted to focus to check if it was who he assumed it to be and deep down he wished it was her. She was at the reception, her back facing him. If she turned and went in the opposite direction, he would not be able to identify who it was.

Penelope felt parched and wished to summon her maid for some water as the one in their chamber was over. Then she noticed how her maid was snoring, having been by her side, assisting her all day long.

As per the norms Penelope is not expected to be unchaperoned or do things by herself but call her maid. Anyway she was far from the ton and she did not need to comply with these rules. She would merely go tell someone to deliver water to their chamber at the reception. Luckily she was on the first floor and had not much to go.

Colin has shifted from his slouchy posture and straightened himself. Lips pursed and eyes fixed on the lady.

Suddenly the woman turns and from her side profile he instantly recognises that she is Penelope!

He does not believe his eyes. Since he was in a dreamy condition, he assumed he was dreaming.

He gave her a longer look just to make sure, and he's confident it's Pen. He gets up and walks towards her as she is looking around the lounge. Penelope unexpectedly turns towards Colin and is flabbergasted. Her eyes widened, her heart pounding in her chest as she sees the man approaching her. Colin gives her a desperate look in the eyes, tears flooding his.

"Colin!"

Chapter 6: Is it You and Me or only You?

Summary:

Colin finally finds Pen. Will he be able to convince her to return back home with him?

Notes:

Of course they had to meet some way or the other but like I had promised, Colin will have to grovel for her forgiveness after all that he put her through.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Colin kept approaching Penelope until he was only half a metre from her. He kept looking dejectedly into her eyes.

Penelope waited for a reaction from Colin but he remained silent. She decided to cut the quietude.

"Colin!" her tone was lower compared to when she exclaimed previously. He kept gazing at her mournfully, his eyes depicting pain, not uttering a word.

"What are you doing here?" Penelope wondered how he found her.

Colin approached her feeling tenderhearted, still gazing in her eyes as he reached out one hand to touch her face. He cupped her cheek delicately with his right hand and sighed at the sensation. One tear drops off his cheek as he realised it's genuinely Pen and he was not dreaming. His wife is verily standing in front of him in the flesh.

Pen felt sentimental upon seeinghim shed a tear after touching her. She gave him a pained look as well.

"Pen." Colin lets out a quiet exclamation.

"Pen. It's you." he extends his other hand to cup her face entirely. "It's really you!" He's grinning from ear to ear as another tear slides down his cheek.

Even if she is surprised at his presence, she feels heartened to see his face. She had loved this man for years.

Pen turned to glance around, realising that they were in public and that she did not want any drama to occur, she was also not comfortable by Colin's attitude that, despite having distanced himself from her for so long, he asserted he could approach her and touch her like this.

She was additionally worried that despite his apparent sobriety, he may be intoxicated because of his dishevelled appearance.

"Colin…let's not talk here." Pen's voice was low yet deep.

Colin breaks from his trance as he realised the situation and how, when she had fled, he had pursued her. Upon seeing Pen he didn't think about anything else; he was just delighted to see her, utterly losing track of the predicament.

Colin casted a sombre glance downward. Still holding her face in his palms. "Well we could go to my bedchamber, it's on the third floor and Benedict is there." His voice was soft.

Pen wouldn't want her brother-in-law to witness their drama nor disturb him, besides her bedchamber was conveniently close.

"Let's go to my chamber. Am on the first floor, it is closer and my maid is sleeping."

Colin smiles at her but Pen remains serious, worried about what would happen next. He followed her and they entered the bedchamber, fortunately the maid was sound asleep in the other chamber and Pen shut the door so she could not hear them.

Pen stood further from him, while Colin was closer to the window, waiting for Pen's attention.

"Pen…" "Why did you… what are you…" Colin was unable to articulate his words, his mind was overflowing with questions, undecided about where to start. He wet his lips and blinked and gave it some thought before choosing the optimum words.

"What are you doing here?" "Why did you run away?" Pen gazed at him melancholily, not saying a word. "I received your letter Pen. Why did you leave without attempting to speak with me first?" Colin lowered his eyes, remembering the reasons she had stated in her letter for her departure.

He looked back at her warmly, taking a step towards her.

"Pen, I'm sorry. I know I have hurt you profoundly. I… umm…" Colin was unsure of what he should apologise for first. There was honestly too much to apologise for.

"I am so sorry for leaving you alone in our house, Pen." "I was hurting and I imagined perhaps you required some time alone for yourself too."

Colin appeared agitated as Pen remained clammed up. He stepped towards Pen and cupped her face. "I truly apologise, Pen. For all that I did. Please come back home. I miss you."

Colin's voice started shaking. "I've not been able to live without you all these days, Pen. I miss you terribly. I cannot bear it anymore. Please come back, Pen. Please come back! Please!" his voice was still shaking as he stroked her cheek nervously, hot tears rolling down his face as he gazed in her eyes affectionately.

He smiled warmly at her.

Pen gave him an attentive stare before blinking and lowering her gaze. She removed his hand from her face and stepped back, her eyes flickering. Colin stood still, stunned, as his palms remained in the air.

Pen looked back at Colin with a stern expression, fiddling with her hands. "No Colin." Pen shook her head. "You cannot just come back after all that happened and just expect everything to return to normal Colin." Her voice was low but deep.

His facial expression looked devastated.

"I know Pen. I am so sorry for everything. I messed up. I just want you to come back to me. Let's go back, pack your stuff and come with me." sounding hopeless.

"Why?" Penelope earnestly questioned.

"Well, because I love you Pen. I cannot endure it without you anymore. I miss you. I wish for us to resume our lives together and…" Colin's tone was firm, no longer shaking, his gaze fixed on hers.

Pen cuts him. "You mean me being all by myself in our house while you stay over somewhere else or should I really say our house, Colin?" She blinked swiftly with a smirk. "Then when you decide to be there, you are not even by my side, you only mope around. You're either enraged at me far away or close by."

Her pitch grew louder as she spoke, still deep.

"Is that the life you were referring to…Colin?" She stared furiously in his gaze as she lifted her eyebrows.

"Pen… I…" Colin's tone is soft and low. Pen interrupts him again. She looked away from him, turning only her face to the other side as she continued, lowering her tone.

"I'm not coming with you, Colin. You're free to return to anywhere you choose but it is without me. You are no longer entrapped to me now, you are free to live your life as you wish" she wets her lips and resumes, her gaze still averted from him.

"The sly woman known as Lady Whistledown will no longer darken your life with her gossip and your family name will remain as reputable as before, the woman who planned to entrap you should not be with you. Your life is far better without me."

Tears welled up her eyes as she uttered the last words with a broken voice, still avoiding eye contact with Colin. She didn't want him to notice that she still loved him or was becoming weak in his presence. He might attempt to push her to return with him… or perhaps he just simply didn't deserve to know how she was feeling.

"I hope you have already requested an annulment." she added quietly.

Colin felt heartbroken seeing her face turned away from him, not looking at him at all. Similar to how he didn't look at her the day the mothers were discussing their wedding breakfast and he was outraged at her.

"Pen, I am so sorry for that ruthless comment. I know I should not have said that and I regretted it the moment it was out. I realise my assertion was wrong. You did not entrap me Pen, you never did. I'm honestly sorry for that cruel remark and I had wanted to apologise to you for that."

"Then why didn't you?" Pen turned to face him, her gaze deep. Her stare astounded him.

He approached her "I…I wanted to…I wanted to express my remorse to you on the butterfly ball. I hoped for our conflicts to be cleared and resolved on that day, Pen. I wished for us to reconcile." His eyebrows lowered and knit together.

"I love you Pen. I love you." Colin spoke desperately while Pen continued to stare at him, unmoved.

"I thought you loved me too Colin. That is why I decided to move on from your hideous comment and marry you. Even after you accused me of what you defended me for in the first place." After that entrapment accusation I thought perhaps you were not serious or that you loved me and we would be happy…" Pen's voice was shaking and cracking, she was sobbing as she recalled what she had lived. How she had suffered. Colin was absolutely heartbroken to see her condition.

She looked away, unwilling to look at him through tears or she might feel more vulnerable. "I thought the day I opened my heart to you on our wedding eve that you had begun to understand me Colin, that perhaps when we kissed our love was still there, that perhaps you would support me and maybe our relationship could be saved."

She was sobbing breathlessly, now gazing back at Colin whose pallid face revealed a hint of shame and regret. "I believed after we danced at our wedding breakfast that we were still Colin and Pen but then…" she lowered her eyes, fidgeting with her hands then glancing at her wedding band. "But then you once again drifted apart Colin. You left me." Pen turned her back on him, too vexed to look at him as she was recollecting how he treated her.

"I am aware that the queen's remarks might have harmed the standing of your family but we were married and you abandoned me. I was all alone on our wedding night, the night married couples were supposed to be together." She wiped away her tears.

Pen turned to look back at him, her eyes filled with fury and sadness as her lips quivered. "Do you remember Colin?" her blue teary eyes clearly questioning him.

Colin offered her a dejected, regretful, and ashamed look. "Pen…" He briefly lowered his gaze to the ground in embarrassment before looking back at her, his mouth pressed.

His tone was poignant "I didn't realise you suffered so much. I feel so shameful for making you endure that. I am truly and deeply so sorry Pen. I know I should have been by your side, I messed up. I was so anxious of what the queen might do to you Pen, I was worried for your safety." He walked over to gaze into her eyes.

"I admit I have been very angry at you for your identity as Lady whistledown but I was surprised Pen that you could be someone like her, the one who I despised the most. It conflicted my feelings. Lady Whistledown had written a great deal of negative stuff about me and my family that I was surprised to know it was you but…" Colin shifts his gaze for a moment seemingly ashamed of himself as he gathers his words.

"I realise that you tried to save us, Pen." "After spending so long furious at Whistledown that when I found out it was you I got vexed with you as well, and perhaps also because you did not choose to share it with me."

He took her hands in his. Pen remained still, listening intently.

"I think upon hearing you had a purpose I was jealous, Pen. I was envious that you, as a woman, were able to become independent and had a purpose. You had a purpose and were brave enough to be someone as Lady Whistledown whereby me…" He paused and threw a thoughtful glance around before resuming "I was still searching for my purpose and presumed I had still not found it."

He offered her a light smile "I had not found my purpose until you, Pen. YOU are my purpose. You fulfil me."

"Colin…" Pen did not want to muddle her emotions and grow weak.

As he went on, Colin's tears got more and more, covering his entire face. His gaze never shifted hers as his hands remained in hers.

"I miss you as my friend Pen, I miss you as my wife. You have always seen me for who I am and have always been by my side as a guidance, as a support. Even while on my travels."

"I have read all the letters you sent me the other day and realised not only are you Penelope and Whistledown both but you have been the one person who has always been there for me, Pen. You have been my true companion during my travels and when I was back."

"You are essential to my existence; without you, I am incomplete, please don't break us. Please come back." Colin tried to kiss her hand.

Penelope pulled her hand from him slowly and distanced herself. She stared at him angrily and smirks.

"Even now. Even today Colin. After all of this, it is only all about you ."

She stepped back from him and sighed, shaking her head. "All the time it is only about you , how YOU feel, how YOU missed me, what YOU want."

Her voice starts to break, her pain showing clearly. "It is always about you . You cared about me only because I helped you feel confident about yourself but what about how I feel Colin? You never cared about my feelings; what I want, how I feel."

"If you desire something you should have it but do you care what I want as well? What I wanted was never important in our relationship."

"I know as a woman my feelings are not paramount to society nor should it be to be my husband but Colin…if you said you loved me, I was hoping you would understand me, be by my side…" Pen turned away and sobbed, not able to control any longer "...love me"

Colin looked at her attentively, tilting his head, feeling hurt at her pain.

Her voice cracking she rebuked him "I begged you to love me and yet you left me, and yet you distanced yourself from me. I know I was at fault and I am so sorry for it Colin but I needed you." She looked back at him. Her voice got louder but still cracking, more painful. "I needed my husband in such a difficult time but you were never there for me Colin. You never were." Pen's emotions were getting more and more strong. Then she realised perhaps it was due to her being with child that made her feel as such, in addition to already being intensely enraged and hurt by Colin. She tried to restrain herself.

Colin was taken aback by her words. He found himself without any ammunition to defend himself as he realised that she was correct and true to each of her words. It wasn't until Pen brought it up that he realised how self-centred he was. She was right about every single word.

He never cared in learning her feelings. Colin parted his lips to say something, then shut them again. He was feeling hurt because she had suffered so much and he was not even there to console her. He never realised it. Penelope was fair in leaving him. He'd put so much distance between them that he'd never really bothered to find out how she was feeling.

It was only now, as he saw the pain and grief in her eyes, that he realised how much she was suffering. Or perhaps he did. There was the same agony in her eyes the day she begged him to love her and he…abandoned her.

"Also, I am not the one who is breaking us, Colin. It's you who seem to not want us to be. I'm not sure there was ever actually an us . It was always you and only you. I was never a part of you ."

"Besides, how do I believe which words of yours are true?" Pen pursed the corner of her lips gazing at him indignantly. "Is it the one where you said you loved me, or is it the one where you said you will never forgive me, or perhaps it might be now when you're saying that you're sorry." She sighed.

"Then what will it be next?" She shook her head. "You'll accuse me of forcing you to follow me all the way here?"

"Pen, I will never…" Colin gently tried to cut but she continued.

"I hope you have already applied for an annulment as I had suggested" her voice low. Colin looked flabbergasted.

Her tone increased again "Eloise was right. You couldn't possibly love me if you knew I was Whistledown. I ought to have informed you before we were officially engaged. I was…I was just happy you returned my feelings…", she sniffed as her tears were rolling down, "...the feelings I've had for so long, for so many years, watching you court other ladies and I couldn't believe it was me you had chosen. I wanted to let that moment of happiness I had yearned so long for to linger before it ended."

"Perhaps I was to be blamed, for letting you be the reason for my happiness. That…I was scared it would cease." She wiped a tear and continued, sniffling.

She was still gazing at him, but now her eyes offered affection and warmth. "I love you Colin, I truly love you and I always did but I cannot keep on living like this."

She shook her head. "I Can't. I also do not want you to suffer. I know you might think I am being selfish but I have to do this for us Colin. I know you are not happy with me and I wish for your happiness. If you were happy, you wouldn't have been upset and stayed away from me all this time." Colin's eyebrows lowered and knit together, eyes tearful.

"I have loved you ever since I have known you Colin and I refuse to let you suffer like this, at least not because of me." Colin looked at her desperately and approached her, tilting his head and looking at her tenderly.

"I love you too Pen and you do not make me suffer, you make me happy. I know I have been extremely annoyed towards you ever since I found out that you are Whistledown, even after we got married…but you make me happy Pen, I cannot describe how much. I love you Pen." Colin said softly as he bent his head to approach her face closely.

Pen shook her head, stepped back from him and turned her back on him. She spoke with an increasing volume.

"You said you loved me yet you left me alone and now you again say that you love me yet I can't even guarantee that you won't abandon me ever someday." Pen felt a wave of rage wash over her as she recalled how he left her behind and determined she didn't want to be with him.

"I also do not want our ch…" Pen realised she got swayed away and was about to reveal her being with child. Her eyes widened. Colin looked at her puzzled as she halted abruptly. Fortunately she was not facing him and had her back turned. With haste, Penelope kept on talking to avoid his interrogation.

"We cannot be together Colin."

"Just…leave me alone!" she shouts.

Colin is left agape at her tone and her words and swallowed as he continued to listen to her.

As soon as she shouted she felt dizzy and weak and apprehended that the argument and shouting were not appropriate for her condition as being with child but did not want to alarm Colin so she went to sit down just behind him.

Observing her weakly and slowly making her way past him to take a seat made him concerned that she could be sick. Without delay, he turned to her.

"Are you well Pen?" "Did you eat?" He looked at her worriedly. Pen aimed to conceal her condition and nodded, her eyes lowered. "I am well," she replied, her voice low. "Are you sure?" Colin was not convinced and was anxious. She nodded silently at him. With concerned eyes, Colin studied her.

He kneeled before her looking at her desperately and gazing in her eyes sadly.

"I know Pen. I know. I messed up badly but please give me a chance. Give me the chance to rectify my mistakes at least? For the sake of our love, for the sake of our relationship. For the sake of our marriage? Also, I do not wish for an annulment, I still desire to be married to you, Pen." His voice is tender and soft as he is speaking all the words slowly.

He stares at her for a while, admiring how beautiful she was looking as her red locks cascaded over her shoulders and cleavage. Her skin appeared so soft, and he realised how much he missed feeling them under his touch.

Colin's blue eyes, which appeared honest and affectionate, made Penelope feel weak. She gazed at him carefully and realised how much she loved him. But then shortly recalled how she also suffered in that love.

For a moment she became emotional and wanted to give in, she wanted to give him that second chance but then remembered about her being with child. Penelope had been prepared to sacrifice herself living a life with him in loneliness but now that he seemed to regret his wrongdoings she would feel more than happy to live a joyous life with him. Nonetheless she was not convinced Colin would react positively with her being with child.

She did not want to risk telling him in case he ever reverted to his previous, irascible behaviour and blamed their child as 'entrapment'.

Ultimately, he pursued her for personal gain. Not even for her own sake. She was uncertain whether Colin would embrace their child. She was unable to certify this.

"Colin…" Pen looked at him tenderly. For a while she saw the man she loved there and not the man who left her alone. As he kneeled and pleaded with her for their love, she was left unsure of what to decide. He appeared to be in excruciating distress.

Colin got up and sat on the sofa beside her placing himself to her left side, taking her hands in his. Pen wanted to pull away but was unable to resist his contact because as much as she was outraged at him, she missed him profoundly and felt powerless to prevent his touch. For a little while, she considers allowing him to be close to her.

"Pen, do you remember when we would meet during season balls and make jests? We were having fun and we were really comfortable with each other. We were always meant to be together, Pen. Always." His voice was still soft as his eyes lit up at his remembrances.

Colin gazed at her and smiled softly. "Don't you miss that Pen? Because I do." Pen did not respond but was beginning to feel emotional at his words, and she did. She missed what he was describing. She just looked at him carefully and remained firm, her heart somewhat smiling inside at his nearness and their shared moment while she looked in his eyes.

Colin kept narrating about their past; how they met, their moments, until he leaned against the sofa and as he got immersed in his memories without realising, fell asleep, because he had missed too much sleep recently in addition to being sick.

Still holding on to her left hand, stroking it with his thumb, Colin fell asleep beside Penelope.

As Pen watched him she smiled. For the first time since they were married her husband was close to her and she was able to look at him closely, admire him as he was sleeping. She leaned on his shoulder and dozed off.

The following morning, as the sun shone bright in the chamber and the birds started singing outside, Colin woke up. As he woke up he didn't realise when he fell asleep. He slept like a log. He tried to open his eyes as he recalled the event of the previous night.

Then it gradually came back to him; him meeting Pen, their argument and him moving over to the sofa next to her to talk. Glancing around, he realises he's in her bedchamber.

However as Colin looks beside himself where Pen was supposed to be, he does not find her. She is no longer there. He scans the chamber thinking she might perhaps be somewhere else. She's not in sight. Then he notices that her luggage, which he had seen the night before, has vanished. The maid is nowhere as well.

His wife had left. His wife had left him…again. She was gone.

As Colin tried to take it all in, his eyes fluttered and his mouth fell wide in disbelief. He then swallowed upon the possibility that he might never find her this time and ran downstairs to the reception to inquire about her.

"Please!" "Have you not seen her?" "Did she not tell you where she would be going? It's very important for me to know! Please?!" Colin was restlessly questioning the reception. However the responses were negative.

Penelope had slipped away discreetly, making sure to hide her tracks, covering herself well and the maid checked out of the hotel instead of her. Pen gave it a lot of thinking, even after witnessing Colin's suffering and seeing his charming face beside her upon waking up but then she pondered about her innocent child and did not want to share her child with a man who accused her and abandoned her in a moment of need.

His words conveyed a sense of wanting to possess her once more and not once did Colin mention how he loved her for who she was but rather who he was when she was with him.

That was not enough.

What if one day he is not satisfied with how she makes him feel or is not happy with their child, will he reproach their child too?

She could not.

She had to undergo this sacrifice for her child. For herself.

Pen was sobbing as she evaluated again about what had just transpired. She placed a hand on her stomach as she looked outside the carriage window and cried. The maid tried to calm her but she was inconsolable. She cried with all her heart as she again left the man she loved, for their own happiness. Penelope sobbed uncontrollably as her heart ached.

Being anxious that he may awaken before her departure, she had not written any letter.

Colin started to run out of breath as he tried to search for her everywhere, panicking, thinking he had lost her permanently because despite everything that he said she remained stubborn. She still preferred that they stayed separate.

He climbed the stairs steadily and made way to his chamber, sitting down, staying quiet and saying no word, unable to cry while his heart was still burning with pain.

"Ah! You are here. I thought you already left without me. Haha!" Benedict grinned, looking at him.

He then noticed Colin's silence and how he was staring in front of him, his gaze lost, his elbows on his knees with both knuckles holding his chin.

"What is it?" Benedict inquired.

Colin doesn't reply and remains hushed.

Benedict advanced to sit beside him sensing something had occurred.

"I found her brother. I found her." Colin whispered.

"Really? That is great news…but…why are you announcing it like it's sad. Did something else happen?" Given Colin's behaviour, he was tense.

"She left me brother and I think this time I have lost her for good and she will never consent to return to me." His voice still a whisper. He slightly turned to look the way Benedict was sitting, still unable to look directly at him, out of shame.

"I have failed as a husband and my wife doesn't want me back. I failed. I am a failure." His voice remained monotone.

Benedict looked at him anxiously, ignorant of what might have unfolded during the night. Despite his best efforts, Colin remained inconsolable. Benedict realised that things were worse than they had been because he was not expressing any feeling at all; not crying nor even making any movement.

"Don't worry brother, we will find her again and then you can try to convince her…"

Colin gave a dismissive shake of his head "No. I don't believe she will accept."

He stood up, staring outside the window and continued "In fact she is right, I have always been selfish. I adored her exclusively for the person she made me become. Even when I loved her it was the same."

His tone started to waver "However I realised that I loved her for who she was too. I love her even though she does not make me become anything or anyone. I love Penelope for who she truly is, as a person, as a woman, as…my wife." Colin sighs.

He turns towards Benedict. "I have failed to tell her that brother. My attempt to find her while having selfish motives was stronger than finding the one she truly was. Now that I realise this, she is already gone."

Colin let out a heavy breath. "I have to tell her this brother. I have to convince my wife that I love her for who she is and not only what I am because of her."

He lowered his eyes realising his plight. "Even in the incident that it takes me a lifetime to find her and tell her."

"Colin!" While Benedict hopes his brother finds happiness, he also does not want him to ruin his life. He gets to his feet to confront Colin.

"Are you positive this is what you want to succumb to all your life? You can try looking for her and I will help you or I can try to hire people to find her along and if in some months you do not find her then you return and resume your life, that is…if you wish to of course."

Colin smiled faintly and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry brother. I will have to find her on my own. It is my doing and I must find my wife myself." Benedict gave him a worried glance.

"I appreciate and am grateful how you have helped me so far Benedict but I cannot force you to continue this journey any longer with me. Return back home to our family. I'll search for her on my own." Colin's voice was calm but firm.

"But Colin…"

"No brother. Please do not insist. I will manage, don't worry. I will try to make sure I keep you updated. I will send you letters."

All this while Benedict had been the one sending his family letters, keeping them updated of their journey as Colin was too depressed.

Benedict sighed. "All right. If that is what you wish I respect it, but just so you know I am fine with continuing the journey with you. Let me know if you change your mind."

He gave Colin a warm smile and he returned it. The brothers hugged and Benedict patted his back.

"I will have to leave right away if I want to catch up with her."

Benedict nodded.

Colin packed hurriedly and left. Before entering his carriage Benedict hugged him again and gave him a pat on the shoulder. "I hope you find her. Do let us know when you do."

Colin nodded and drove away.

As he's travelling, he re-read Pen's letter and realised how correct she was and how egotistical he had been. He's reflecting on how essential it was for him to find her and let her know that he loved her for who she was, not only what she did for him.

He realised how because he's always been so sensitive, he had been oblivious to Pen's suffering as he was obviously so wrapped up in his own feelings. 'He'll work for her forgiveness if he'll have to…of course he will have to!' Colin wondered.

No matter how hard and no matter for how long.

Notes:

I know that they're once again separated but like I said he needs to grovel a bit before he can earn her forgiveness. After all that he put her through, she cannot just simply forgive him at the first instant.

Colin just needs to suffer a little bit more.

Penelope also needs to be convinced he will be a good father and will love their child.

There shall be a happy ending. It is Polin endgame after all ;)

How did you like their first reunion? Let me know :D

Chapter 7: A fresh start

Summary:

Colin mourns the departure of his wife a second time and attempts to find her again while Pen on the other hand finally meets with the individual who shall help her settle down.

Notes:

My apologies for not being able to publish sooner, I was sick and was totally unable to concentrate. I will try to update the next chapter as soon as possible.

Like I said Colin will need to suffer and become worthy of Penelope's forgiveness. Let's see if he works on it.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

After trying to take a different route in order to keep Colin from finding her, Penelope finally met Geneviene's acquaintance. The lady would supply Genevieve with fine fabrics from Scotland and was someone trustworthy. Genevieve had suggested to Pen to reward her as a gratitude for her service.

Thanks to her help, Pen was able to rent a modest small house, the woman had already secured the accommodation for Penelope whose surroundings will be favourable for her and her child with various facilities.

Penelope was grateful to the woman, she thanked and rewarded her richly.

The house was composed of one storey and Pen occupied the first floor while the maid resided the lower level. There was a baker and a library in the vicinity of the residence. The sea wasn't distant either, she was glad she could go to take a stroll whenever she felt bored at home and it did not even require a carriage.

She would also take the opportunity to visit the neighbourhood to get more acquainted and meet the people in the area.

Even though the comfort of her house had changed and she no longer had servants and the numbered staff, she was nonetheless content. The maid who travelled with her was assisting her and Pen was already someone strong and responsible. Perhaps she might relocate later when her child is older but for the time being she was satisfied.

The atmosphere of her current house was distinct from her previous ones. It felt warm because there were no mother or sisters who despised her or there was no husband who would give her a cold stare as soon as their gaze would cross. She felt really cosy, even if sometimes lonely.

Occasionally, she would visit the local library to buy or rent books in order to keep herself occupied.

Not many days upon her arrival in the neighbourhood, there was a woman, Mary, whom Penelope had befriended. She resided in the house opposite to hers. Mary worked in a bakery and lived alone with her ten-year-old son, John. Her husband passed away one year after their son's birth and she was by herself with him. They were not of noble families hence she had to work.

Upon meeting her, Penelope had not informed Mary of the reason she travelled to Scotland. No one knew she was with child nor the events that followed and she did not want to inform anyone of her condition nor did she feel she could trust anyone, yet. Perhaps later on when she would start showing she might think of what to tell people.

Thankfully her stomach was not showing yet and the people over there were not like those of the ton, they didn't meddle in each others' personal affairs much.

Mary would sometimes check in on Penelope since she was alone. She did try to inquire about Pen's settlement there but Pen mentioned that she was not ready to share about it and would when the time was right. Mary was someone understanding and mature in addition to being friendly and caring, she understood immediately.

Fortunately Mary's brother-in-law, William, lived near in the neighbourhood and was a big tall strong man who also happened to be kind. They felt safe having him nearby. He was not married nor was he looking forward to it. He was just content in his own food supply business.

Mary used his help when in need and Penelope over time felt like she could trust him too and he would help her the same as sometimes he would carry their heavy bags if they had troubles on their own as he owned a transport for his business.

As he had a vehicle for his business, Mary would use his assistance when in need to carry their heavy baggage and Penelope eventually came to feel that she could trust him too and would use his support in the same way as William had said that, like Mary, he had come to think of Penelope as his sister.

Penelope would not gain the same perks that came with being a high member of the society in Mayfair, having staff buy her stuff or carry it home. She had to make some sacrifices anyway and she was very glad and felt lucky she had some friends she could count on and trust at least, in such a short time after her arrival.

Pen made an effort to avoid wearing fancy robes and went out with her coat all the time so that no one would doubt and question her upper class origins.

It was another small sacrifice she was willing to make to mingle in her new society.

Some days after setting down, Penelope had visited the market to buy some fabrics for her new dresses. In a while when she will be showing, she will need to visit the seamstress for new dresses of larger sizes until she might not be able to step out at all.

Penelope was erratically feeling scared and missed the presence of a closed one as support but then recalled how they treated her and how she had to seek out the help of LW to feel less lonely among them; her loved ones.

After some days she had told Mary everything as she felt she was trustworthy, and Pen also missed a friend. Since Mary was giving her a lot of assistance, Pen felt that it would be nice to have some people she could rely on.

Many times she and Mary would sit down for drinks or a chat while John would be sleeping or remained with the child caretaker.

Since on various occasions, she told Penelope how grateful she was for having John and how she enjoyed being a mother and even John kept saying how his mother was the best in the world with his little voice, hence Penelope felt she could inform her about her being with child therefore she shared her story with Mary.

Well…not everything though, she omitted the Whistledown chapter as that seemed too dark to be revealed yet. After so much struggle, she had finally settled down and would not want any mishap to force her to move, by giving Mary the impression that she was not someone trustworthy. That had already generated enough damage in her life. She most of all would not want to alarm Mary that she was very rich.

She strived for a writing-related employment but it was too early and had not received a response as of yet from her applications.

Since she was a bit weak the first days she arrived and was also trying to settle in, she hence started applying more than a week after, starting firstly at the nearby library and moving on to the bookstore a bit further.

Penelope intended to write articles under a pseudonym to avoid disclosing her identity so as to ensure that no one could locate her and also given the fact that women were still not permitted to work openly.

She would not care if her work would be recognised as long as she was being paid, well, for the time being.

The last time people she loved learned about her profession, everything fell apart and she was ill-prepared to deal with it. She had also requested a job at the local press for article writing and as editor, and even if it was considerably farther away, she knew it had more prospects for her.

Perhaps in the future she might publish a book or a novel to get recognition or earn more but for now she just wished to add more to her savings. Pen believed that working was necessary for herself, even though she was already settled, not extremely destitute, and could live for years without working.

Other than concealing from society her extreme wealth of being able to afford everything without working, a job would also keep her somewhat occupied and prevent her from thinking about the grief she just survived or simply her husband, Colin.

Pen had often longed to write to her family, yet refrained from doing so.

She was worried that if she sent it through the mail, they would discover her location. She didn't want them to worry about her either. Despite how much she missed her family, she was glad with the little life she had there.

Her purpose now involved raising her own family here and living with the memories of her former life, even if she had not fully recovered from the trauma she had just experienced.

One day during their conversation, Mary mentioned something funny and she was unable to laugh. She had become a depressed person. Many times she spent the night crying and wetting her whole pillow before falling asleep. It was perhaps also because of her condition. Her maid had warned her that things would get worse after some months.

Penelope wondered what could be more awful than her current predicament. The thought of embracing her child would make her feel better; her mood enlightened at the image of the little hands holding her and a small face smiling at her.

The soon-to-be mother desperately hoped everything would go well during labour though she had desired her husband to be by her side to support her even if not in the same room with her but his presence was close.

Alas. She had to comfort herself with the notion of those she actually had by her side. Penelope had already requested Mary to assist her and her friend gladly accepted, claiming she would have naturally been there with her during labour without a doubt.

Pen was quite fortunate to have encountered her. She was more like a sister than a friend.

It had been a while since she had fled and had thankfully started feeling comfortable there. She assumed she ought to have started feeling a bit detached from their home even if she did miss Colin a lot, nonetheless it would take longer than she had anticipated. After all it was where she had spent her entire life, up until then.

Everything was different now.

Everything had changed the moment she decided to step out of their home. Or initially when things were not well between her and Colin.

Even if there were instances when she would miss her husband deeply, she believed she had made the best decision. Pen was at last trying to live her life freely far from the judgemental society she came from;the ton and also far away from her husband's accusatory stare.

As she sat in her drawing room one night relaxing, Penelope Bridgerton reminisced how she had kissed Colin's forehead softly before whispering an 'I love you' as she departed from the hotel and leaving him behind. How her face was full of tears while she weighed her next move on whether to stay or leave, all while watching him sleep.

She had been reluctant to leave her husband's side, he looked so peaceful sleeping there and it was the first time after so long they had been so close.

At that moment she wished time would stand still as she closely watched him sleep on that sofa beside her, his hand gripping hers and refusing to let go. Then she finally got up after realising what would be ideal for her child and also because she had no other choice.

Penelope remembered how she hurtfully detangled herself from his grasp and left discreetly.

Days had gone by since his wife left him and Colin was still plagued by constant thoughts of her. He was yearning to see her once again so he could stop seeing her only in his dreams. Colin was persistently dreaming of his wife.

Whether daydream.

Whether at night.

Or whenever he was sleeping.

He was still experiencing the nightmares and now that Benedict was no longer there to soothe him when he would wake up in the middle of the night, sweating and panting from the horrid scenes he would witness in his dreams, he would find himself all alone in the dark, his thoughts haunting him.

Most of his nightmares entailed that of the day they had met, he occasionally dreamed that he was asleep on the sofa in her bedchamber in that hotel when Pen was there beside him. Then he would wake up in his dream to find her there beside him, only to subsequently wake up and reality would strike as Colin would find himself totally alone in his hotel chamber.

In the dreams Pen would sometimes be there beside him and would other times disappear as she had actually done in reality. On one occasion, he dreamt that she was beside him as he woke and then would walk away while looking at him with a glum expression.

Pen's face and expressions of the last day they met were imprinted on his mind; her agonised sobs, the way she had looked away and avoided his gaze and then abruptly yelling at him to leave her alone.

The scene had replayed itself in his mind countless times. He could not comprehend why Pen had opted to leave him after all they had discussed.

He could not accept it.

He had to work on her forgiveness.

He was unable to accept the fact that she had left before he could express how much he loved her for who she was, rather than who she made him become. He never told her and she was gone. 'Why didn't he realise it sooner?', Colin always sighed at the thought of it.

He was such an idiot.

Colin Bridgeton is such an idiot.

In the beginning, just after Pen had left and Benedict returned home, Colin was unable to stay short days in hotels because his health issues required some time for him to fully recuperate. He was also broken down and devastated how she had left him a second time.

He realised he would not be able to catch up with Pen wherever she went, anytime soon, since he halted for longer days now. Colin, however, did not care.

Even if it took forever, he would have to reach Pen. He had to reunite with his wife.

Colin had sent letters to his family, where Eloise and Violet had been anxious for Penelope. Benedict had already updated them of the news before departing from the hotel. Eloise was devastated to learn that Penelope had not accepted Colin's apology and left again instead of returning. As much as she hated her for being Lady Whistledown, she brought happiness to her brother.

Eloise had written to Colin to tell him to bring back her best friend as she was missing her.

His mother had updated him of the circumstances over there as well. John and Francesca had already left for Scotland after their wedding and Eloise had wished to accompany them and she let her go. Hyacinth was eager to see Penelope and was annoying her everyday with her impatience to see her best friend and sister back home.

Violet was concerned for him and Penelope both and she had attempted to comfort Colin through the letters. But no matter how his family consoled him through letters or persuaded him to keep hope, his plight remained unchanged and his heart continued to ache.

As the days went by, Colin realised in his musings just how Pen was truly a brave woman, the risks she took, how on her own, she would visit the printer in such a hazardous part of town to submit her writings for the columns. How courageous she was to come clean about her being Lady Whistledown in front of the queen and the entire ton.

Colin came to the realisation that he was a fool for only acknowledging his feelings for Pen based solely on her actions. His biggest mistake was not realising he loved her for who she was.

He started to miss her.

Her characteristics.

The way she has been so brave to have her own business among the ton as a woman even if she knew the society might cast her away if she was exposed.

The way she looked radiant whenever she laughed upon something funny. The way she exposed her dimples in giggles when he told her anything humorous.

The way that she consistently engaged in intelligent conversation rather than only ranting as some other ladies did.

The way she handled her business independently, dealing with the printer and having to helplessly hide it from everyone she was close to.

His wife was so brave.

All along, she was being herself; whether it was as Lady Whistledown or his Pen.

Colin recognised how he had been selfish; he had ruined her match with a prospective suitor without evaluating the consequences. Had Pen not shared his feelings that night she would have been ruined and he did not consider this possibility, he was only thinking about himself. Though he had been totally willing to marry her no matter her feelings, that was such a selfish move.

Colin had let his love for his wife be subordinated to his own selfishness. He was so engrossed with being mad at her that he didn't realise how he neglected to shower her his love.

In her remembrance, he wrote down some letters to her in case they would meet as he was currently unable to tell her in person given that she was not physically present to express himself about his feelings of loving her for herself.

It had been one month and a half since Pen had fled home and more than two weeks since she left Colin alone in that hotel.

While Pen resided in her rented house, Colin had rented a chamber in a hotel close to the shore in Scotland. He planned to stay there for a few days before moving.

As soon as he arrived, the same evening he visited the beach just to unwind and breathe in some fresh air as he watched the sun set. The beach over there was soothing and reminded him of his journey to Greece. He'd wanted to show Penelope Greece one day after their wedding, but they never had the chance to travel for their honeymoon. 'Perhaps when they got back together…' he imagined. 'He will truly get back with her…and they will go to Greece together' he thought as he gazed at the horizon.

He was blind to the fact that night had arrived as the sun had set. He retreated to his bedchamber and before dinner wrote another letter to Penelope, which he might soon give, well, if he was lucky enough to run into her.

As he was writing the letter and for another hundredth time recalled their scene in that hotel bedchamber, Colin wondered if something else might have transpired that forced her to make such a hasty decision only a few days after he had just seen her at his sister's wedding.

He kept thinking about it for a while after moving to his balcony. It was mainly his fault obviously but might there have been another matter? He recalled how amidst her anger the other day she had abruptly stopped in her rebuke. 'Could it be that?' Lost in his reverie, Colin shook his head. Perhaps he was overthinking…

Colin went for dinner and to bed. On some nights, he would stay up very late to avoid experiencing the same nightmares and on other days he was so enthralled in Pen's thoughts that he preferred going to bed extremely early in order to keep dreaming about her.

The next day Colin walked to the beach after breakfast in order to clear his head. As he came back to his bedchamber, he pondered on his purpose and while having time to himself, Colin had reflected about a variety of topics, including his self-centeredness and his life's purpose.

He had an idea already and will share it with Pen when he meets her. She was so intelligent and perspicacious, even in business matters.

Once more, as nightfall approached, he went for a short stroll to decompress and take advantage of the fresh air before sunset. While strolling on the shore, he noticed a small and chubby woman walking along with another woman and a little boy. They appeared to be having fun together as they conversed.

The woman's head was wrapped in a coat similar to the one Penelope used to wear and the few strands of hair that were visible flowing with the breeze from the sea seemed to be red hence Colin presumed it might be Penelope. Since their last separation, he had no trail of her and therefore he was feeling hopeful it might be her this time.

Colin continued to study the lady, picking up additional clues that led him to believe it may be Pen. He wasted little time in acting upon the certain suspicion that it may be Pen. Breathlessly, he hurried and ran to speak with her and nearly startled them by darting in front of them.

As he stood before the woman, breathless, his face looking hopeful and his eyes wide with desperation and craving, his gaze suddenly dropped as he realised that it was not Penelope.

The woman was not his wife.

When he discovered it was not Pen, he was utterly heart broken. Colin's eyes flooded with pain and almost cried in front of the strangers. He apologised to them for scaring them and appearing so briskly like a madman, then walked away, silently and slowly as he felt his knees almost failing him.

That evening, he weeped quietly as he sat down and watched the sun set on the horizon, sinking himself in the warm sand.

Having extreme longing for her, he turned in early that night. He felt like he would die if she was not in front of him right there. He was craving her desperately; the feeling was more intense now. He recalled the fleeting feeling of optimism he had when he believed he saw her a while ago and sighed at the thought of realising how his heart crushed when that was not her.

Colin dined very early and retreated to bed as her musings were torture.

The following day he was feeling very gloomy and wanted to do nothing much. He chose to take a short walk outside to get some fresh air, take in his surroundings, and unwind a little in order to help him clear his thoughts. After another day of wandering to check around and see if he had spotted Pen yet, he would return to his travels and hit the road again the day after.

Colin had not scrutinised the whole area yet to find any clues about her and there were no positive answers from any hotel yet.

After donning his coat, he strolled about the town. It was not far and he chose to walk a bit to look around. Scotland was a beautiful country. 'If only Pen was with her', he pondered while taking in the beautiful scenery.

As he scans his surroundings, he observes a man selling flowers and is accompanied by his daughter, who was wearing a yellow robe. The little girl was very beautiful and was smiling at her father while drawing. This brought Colin back to his childhood when he had first laid eyes on Penelope.

It dawned on him how much he had loved her even back then. He always had a soft corner for Penelope in his heart, yet it took him so many years to realise, and now he messed up so bad that they were losing additional months of time together.

He realised how he always loved Pen, even when she wore yellow, even when it was the only colour she wore. He had searched for her smile and presence in every social gathering. As he kept looking at that little girl, Colin recalled how his heart rejoiced the moment he would spot that lady in yellow at balls. He loved how her appearance was so unique.

Colin smiled at the little girl then walked away and continued exploring. He detected a small restaurant where he might possibly try something new. Since he hadn't gone exploring much lately; perhaps this will lift his spirits.

As he was stepping forward to the restaurant, he noticed a woman from the corner of his eyes that seemed familiar. Turning to face that direction, he saw a short, plump woman covered in a peacock coloured coat, entering the library which was beside the restaurant. Her coat was the same as the one Penelope used to wear and he could recognise it among a dozen ones.

Then, just before stepping in, her cap had fallen down her head due to the wind and Colin noticed that her hair was curly and red, precisely the same as Penelope. Colin was left astounded as he kept staring at her as she entered the library.

He gave her a quizzical look as he was left agape.

She did not have a companion. She was all alone.

Could it be Penelope, his wife? Buying a new book for her ongoing travels or her new home? Or was he hallucinating again?

Notes:

Colin needed to suffer and be left alone to realise his feelings and his folly. He shall meet Pen, but is it so soon? Find out in the next chapter.

Chapter 8: Nothing ignites hope more than desperation

Summary:

Colin is again lost in hope but has managed to change himself and own his mistakes. Will he be able to find Pen and tell her his feelings? Find out in the chapter, I will not spoil it

Notes:

I have worked on a chapter you'd surely like, with lots of emotions.

I hope you love it.

Let me know how you find the story so far and this chapter

ENJOY!

Chapter Text

Colin tried to get his mind right. That is not Penelope. It could not be her. He must be dreaming.

He had just seen someone similar to her the day before and believed he was certain when it was his greatest illusion.

'Could that be his wife?', for a moment he got lost in contemplation as he stood there staring at the shut library door behind the woman who had closed it before going inside.

He was probably dreaming. It was not the first time nor the second.

At his previous hotel as well he was convinced he had spotted a woman like Penelope, although her hair and silhouette was not that of his wife, he had approached her and almost touched her shoulder.

He was sorely disappointed when he eventually discovered her face. He had been so desperate to gain one more glimpse of his wife that he was seeing her everywhere. Perhaps it wasn't his wife this time either?

But he had to enter the library to be sure, he could not miss any chance, for all he knew it could be Pen as well.

Pen was a bookworm and library enthusiast and this time he felt like it was probably her. Or perhaps it was only his desperation that overwhelmed him and restored his hope.

Colin awakened from his daze and looked around to check if anyone noticed him standing still like an idiot, staring at the door while also intending to follow her inside the library. He proceeds toward the library, lowering his head and his gaze.

Gently pulling open the door, he slips into the library without drawing too much attention to himself, he'll just be there long enough to determine whether she is Pen before heading off.

His eyes dart about in quest of her as he walks in. She is not visible to him as he scans the area. There were other people in the library as well as a variety of shelves lining the several corridors. He walks past two corridors, scanning each of them one by one not making his curiosity obvious.

As he examines the people standing along the shelves he does not find the woman with the same peacock coat. He then walks to the third corridor and notices her there.

The mysterious woman had covered her head back with the coat upon entering the library.

Unlike the day before, he could not just jump over her and besides he might not be able to talk, the library was quiet and Colin did not want to appear too noticeable in case the seller might find him suspicious or acting like a stalker.

He decides to walk past the woman to go in front of her, he goes a little farther to avoid getting too near to be noticed then proceeds to grab any book and pretends to look at it. Then, gradually turning his head back to face the woman's face he finally sees her face.

It is her! His Penelope!

The woman was his wife, exploring the bookshelves and trying to find a book. She was real and right there, in front of him, barely a few metres away.

'How she looked beautiful', he thought. Colin made an idiotic love-stricken face as his eyes shone at her sight, he was enamoured with just a glimpse of hers.

His heart raced at the sight of her and he almost dropped the book he was pretending to see in his hand.

'She's always looking so captivatingly beautiful' Lost in her sight, Colin's thoughts drifted into a dream state. He was unable to take his eyes off her at that moment. 'How is it possible for someone to look so pretty' despite not being able to her dress he noticed how her hair looked so shiny as her curls dropped on her face and her cheekbones. Her cheeks were rosy and her lips plump and pink while her sky eyes scanned the shelves, smiling.

Colin's eyebrows drawn up in the inner corners as he surveyed her in ecstasy.

Penelope was searching for a book on motherhood.

Recently, she had been feeling under the weather, and decided to go get some fresh air and visit the library to hunt for a new book and wished to get more insight about becoming a mother.

Even if the books were not explicit on birth, they normally just described the early stages of a mother's life and the journey and challenges of having a child and raising them, and the soon-to-be mother's interest was piqued about that.

In addition to what Mary and her maid taught her about motherhood, it was not enough, and Mary was also a working mother. Pen did not have a mother or mother-in-law to provide her further details and she was curious to learn more.

She also wanted to read and that was the perfect coincidental excuse.

The maid had wanted to accompany her but Penelope had intended to go alone, seeking some time for herself and to also discover the town further.

Colin kept observing her from afar, striving to get a glimpse of her every now and then, remembering how much he missed her.

A smile curved his lips, his heart raced and tears filled his eyes upon the realisation that this was her before him. Penelope was really and actually here and he was not dreaming, this was real! His dream had come alive and he wished time would stall so he could keep on staring at her for longer.

He thought that he had to act wisely now so she doesn't run far away from him once more.

Colin did not approach her, he rather kept contemplating her as she studied her book, the one she might possibly buy. He held the book in his hand in front of his face to peek at her through the top.

He glanced back and forth between the book and his wife.

When he looked back again at the spot she had been standing, it was empty. She had moved to the counter and proceeded towards the exit door.

Penelope leaves the library after her payment and prepares to go in her carriage.

In order to avoid missing her, Colin gets out as well right after her and follows closely behind. He watches as she unhurriedly makes her way to her carriage and manages to catch her.

Then, just as he was about six feet behind, he calls out to her in a soft but loud tone, loud enough for only her to hear.

"Penelope Bridgerton!"

Penelope immediately stops in her tracks, abruptly losing a breath as she lifts her head and her eyes widen. She's not shocked at the name that was uttered even if no one knew her full name except her proprietor and Mary.

She was rather stunned at the voice calling her.

It was Colin Bridgerton. She would recognise his voice amid hundreds of others. It is the voice that she always longed to hear when they were enjoying their time in the countryside once the wedding season was over, the voice she had yearned to hear in society gatherings and the voice she kept hearing in her head ever since she left her hometown, whether it was his irate tone toward her or their passionate conversations.

Penelope closes her eyes, takes a deep breath then opens them again to turn and look at the voice behind her.

It is Colin. Her husband.

The only man she had ever loved stood before her and she somewhat knew it was because he had looked for her again and not because he was there by coincidence.

She was amazed to perceive that he located her again. Her eyes are soft as she gazes at him. She looks at him tenderly as he walks towards her steadily. 'He looks so handsome in his long brown frock coat,' she was observing him with adoration as his brown shiny hair looked gorgeous, moving in the wind, swiping over his forehead.

As he approached her, his blue mesmerising eyes were back in her line of sight. His eyes looked happy at the sight of her, happy yet painful. She wonders if he had been sleeping well.

There was a moment of silence as they locked eyes, as they both studied each others' eyes, trying to convey a message of curiosity of the other's plight, trying to convey their feelings of missing each other.

Colin finally breaks the silence.

"Do.." He swallows. "Are you looking forward to running away from me again?" he asks in a soft humorous voice, his tone was not in the slightest sarcastic but sounded somewhat pained just like his eyes were.

For a moment Penelope just saw the man she loved there, the man she had swore to be wedded with for life. Even if some memories of having to leave her home because of him were rushing at the back of her head, she predominantly saw the man she adored, the only man who had ever confessed loving her.

She had accepted the concept to live without ever seeing him and just seeing him here in front of her brought so many memories. Her body and mind were flooded with a plethora of emotions in the few seconds that their eyes met. How she was carrying his child, how their souls had connected and how they had been forced to separate due to circumstances.

As Colin utters those words she senses the hurt behind, the pain she had inflicted on him two times already.

Running away from him.

Even though she didn't want him to learn about her child to then blame her for it, or for anything wrong he did previously, she did not want to run away at that precise moment. She was determined to not do anything that would give him the impression that she had never loved him.

Perhaps they could just seize this short moment of fractions of seconds before going back to being their current selves?

Perhaps for a moment they could just be Colin and Penelope, forgetting the world that existed surrounding them? She did not want to leave.

Not now, not this time.

Pen blinks and answers slowly and honestly. "Ummm…no."

"Colin, how did you…" "Have you…" she stutters not knowing where to start. She lowers her eyes as she considers thoroughly what to say.

"I'm just surprised to see you here or that you found me again." she looks in his eyes gently as Colin keeps gazing at her lovingly.

"Were you travelling around this area here or… were you looking for me?" Colin's eyes were already answering her, responding positively to her second question. Even though it was obvious he was in favour of the second question, she considered asking again.

"Were you looking for me?" her voice was so tender and soft as she studied his eyes.

He nodded gently while looking at her tenderly, his eyes conveying a smile, fixed on hers.

"Even if I did not, Pen…" he moves a bit closer to her. "Our love is so strong and true that no matter where we go we'll always find each other. This is what I believe." He then let a light smile escape his lips.

Penelope gasped at his words and gave him a pained look, not leaving her gaze too, trying not to melt down so soon in front of him. It does not imply that she was prepared to seem weak before him, even if she chose to stay in his presence at this time. She had to keep her composure.

Colin keeps staring at her saying nothing. She looks away for a while, her cheeks turn pink at Colin's intense stare. For an instant she felt young, as though it was the first time a man had approached her to court her in a ball after her first debut in society. She blushed.

As she shifts her gaze, Colin stealthily glances over her attire without making it look obvious, unable to resist her attractiveness. She looked gorgeous, even with only her coat on. Her face was shining even more with the light outside. His eyes gleamed at her, she was there in front of him. He still couldn't believe his eyes.

It dawned on him that she had shifted her gaze because he was staring at her eyes unashamedly. He didn't intend to make her feel embarrassed. He was concerned in learning how she was doing hence proceeded to inquire about that.

"How are you doing?" he asks her gently, starting a smile.

"I'm well. I'm doing well." she replied softly. He then smiled fully at her.

"I see you've visited the library", he added, still in a soft voice. She nodded and smiled lightly.

Pen then recalls the motherhood book she recently bought and tries to hide it from him. Thankfully it was wrapped and the title was not visible.

She was reminded of her being with child at that reflection. Thankfully her stomach had not started showing so much that Colin could have guessed she was with child.

Even then it would have been hidden behind her coat. After all he was more experienced in these matters, she had even no idea how she could be with child but assumed Colin did.

Pen could tell Colin seems apprehensive to articulate something but is hesitant to do so as he's trying to start a word with his mouth then stopping several times. She clearly motioned him; she's lending an ear to whatever he is trying to say.

"Do you have some time to spare? We could talk a bit…", he hesitantly asks, his eyes painfully awaiting a negative answer.

Despite her strong reluctance, she chooses to accept after observing his benign behaviour and desperation. She had already fled and settled there. There was no reason she could not listen to whatever he desired to say more now, considering that he went looking for her and found her a second time.

If he was going to hurt her again then perhaps she might have to escape again and this time she was experienced in the matter. She just prayed it wouldn't get to that point and this time she sensed it wouldn't.

She nods and suggests that they go nearby. "There's a small area over there where we can sit and talk comfortably." Colin gives her a soft beaming smile, relief visible in his eyes.

They walk side by side as they resume their conversation.

"So, how is everyone at the Bridgertons doing?" Pen asks Colin.

"They are all doing well." He gives her the update her mother provided him and also tells her that Eloise missed her. She smiles. Pen also missed Eloise.

"Even after all that happened between us you are still worried about my own family", Colin says sounding surprised and she smiles warmly at him.

"Are they not my family too?" Colin nods. "Of course!"

A small smirk curving up his lips as he realises she calls his family hers because of him, because they were wedded. This made his heart tingle a bit. The thought that she still referred to their bond was touching.

"Do you have news about my mother?" Pen asks intently, not sure if Colin had news of her.

"The last time Benedict had obtained news of her and she seems to be doing well. She asked us to thank you if we found you. I don't know what she referred to but she was aware of me searching for you, mother had informed her." Pen gave a grateful nod.

Pen knew Portia had not shared her delicate issue with the Bridgertons but assumed with her money her mother had been able to manage and the queen's esquire must have already assumed it was her column's money. She was relieved her plan had succeeded and her mother and family were safe.

At last, they reach the area. They place themselves on a bench and Colin keeps a safe distance from Pen, respecting her boundary. She notices that and feels pleased to see Colin is respecting her.

They sit there in silence, appreciating the air and viewing the distant sight of the beach. The silence then grew loud. They were exchanging glances, without uttering a word. The atmosphere grew awkward as if they never knew each other.

Colin is afraid to say something that will hurt her or cause her to run away again, he was simply appreciating the moment and was so glad to be with her. She looked so beautiful, he just wanted to keep looking at her. He missed her lovely face a lot. Her pretty blue eyes sparkled in the light of day. When she had sat down, she had taken off her cap for Colin's comfort as well as her own. He desired to just keep his eyes on her and stare unceasingly but it would be considered impolite. He had that opportunity in the past and he missed it, having taken her for granted. He could not take his eyes off of her now, the goddess she appeared to be as the strands of her red silky hair were flowing in the light breeze.

Pen is at a loss for words that won't hurt him or make her sound overly desperate. She wanted to break the ice but was afraid she might send a wrong signal to Colin and too many feelings were rushing through her; between her hatred for all that had transpired in the past, her being with child having to run away and her long-standing love for Colin. She was unsure what was running through her but still confused as to why she was sitting there with him when he was the cause she was in that place to begin with. Despite that, she was unable to move, her legs felt glued to the bench.

Colin then notices her book and decides to break the ice.

"I guessed that it would be you…when…I saw someone like you entering the library." He signalled to the book. "You indeed went there to buy a book. What is it about?" His face was turned towards her as he looked at her carefully, examining her gaze.

Penelope was agitated, unaware what to respond. She was staring forward, not at him, and her expression was panicked. "It's nothing important." She smiles sheepishly at him.

Colin nods, not persisting, believing she was not yet at ease to share stuff with him.

"How are you finding the area?" He tries to carry on the conversation.

"I was about to eat at the restaurant until I noticed you outside the library and recognised that it would indeed be you with your passion for books." looking back at her or more like examining her face. He wanted to keep staring at her.

She smiles at him and replies nervously. "Yes indeed…umm…I always loved books." clears her throat then looking around, continues "The place is nice. It's calm and I love the environment here. The people are pleasant and friendly." She lowers her eyes and continues "Sorry you missed the restaurant treat because of me." and offers a teasing smile.

Colin chuckled as he saw her teasing smile. "It's nothing. I will go tomorrow or perhaps another time." His voice softened as he looked at her intently. "There's nowhere else I'd rather be."

Pen smiles radiantly. Colin feels that Penelope is finally warming up to him after a long time. He is seeing his friend back.

He pursues the conversation.

"Everything is beautiful here in Scotland and the food is amazing in the hotels." Colin calmly adds, gazing at the faraway shore.

"So there is nothing else you loved about Scotland except the food? You're still after food." Pen giggled then grins. Her humorous behaviour caught Colin off guard. He gazed at her, beaming.

Colin was mesmerised with her giggles. He had heard her laugh after so many days and it felt so wonderful seeing her this merry, mostly when he was the cause for it. He then lets out a soft chuckle as he smiles. Warmth filled his heart.

"I really like the beach here. The sand is so soft and the sea feels so soothing." Pen gazes at the distant beach along with Colin.

"Hmmmm." He nods. "I am staying at a hotel near the beach itself, not much far from here actually." He looks at her intensely.

Pen smiles at him softly.

Still gazing at her he continues "Just yesterday I saw a woman at the beach and she looked just like you, I thought it was you." "I was…" He hesitated, sighed, then continued, shaking his head slowly. "I was thinking too much about you I guess, I thought I had actually seen you until I realised it was not you."

He studied Pen's expression, waiting for a response.

Pen shifts her gaze from him and looks away, gazing back at the distant beach. She remains silent and maintains a neutral demeanour.

Colin realises he may have crossed a line. He ceases discussing how he was thinking of her. He looks back straight ahead.

He tries to change the topic of the conversation to make Pen feel comfortable. He leans forwards in his seat and joins his palms and rests his elbows on his thighs then looks back at her.

"How have things been so far? Are you able to manage?" He asked, looking concerned and worried.

Colin had indeed been worried about her and if she was able to manage on her own. During his travels in search of her, he kept wondering if she had enough people to help and support her. He knows she always had the required staff but doubted if she had the same number on her travels or was even able to manage on her own during her stays.

Penelope nods. "Yes. Yes I have been able to manage." She's unwilling to provide much details.

"Are you safe where you're staying, Pen? On your travels so far?" His eyes looked filled with worry and care.

"Yes, I am. It's safe." She nods and smiles at him.

Just as she's replying, Pen senses a difference in him as she reflects on his behaviour since their encounter. Unlike the last time, he's not talking about himself and how he missed her but rather inquiring about her state and how she has been.

He seems to just want to know how she is doing and how she is managing and whether or not she is secure and safe wherever she is staying. Her husband seems to be caring.

He fiddles with his fingers and asks, trying to push his luck. "Where are you…staying?" his eyes tensed she might snap, as his lips pressed.

Pen is hesitant to tell him. She doesn't respond. At this point, she's undecided if she can tell him. As much as she was glad to see him being caring, that information would give him the possibility to maybe have her shift residency again and she was not ready for that another time. Hopefully not, she thought.

"I…" Her eyes are lowered as she avoids his gaze. "Umm…" She doesn't continue. Unsure what to reply yet.

"Hmm." Colin smiles, looking away from her, cognisant of her hesitancy to share her residence with him as he lowered his eyes.

He looks back at her, his gaze soft. "Don't worry Pen. I will not invade your privacy nor stalk you. I'll let you live on your own." He presses his lips and turns his gaze from her, shakes his head. "But you cannot stop me from loving you and caring for you. Even if you do not wish for me to talk to you, I will not, Pen, I will respect your wish." He looks back at her warmly as his eyebrows lower and knit together.

Pen observes him, studying his gaze attentively, finding that his expression is firm and his eyes appear honest of the feelings he was sharing.

"Don't stop me from loving you." his voice was suddenly low and as if hurting and requesting her to not prevent him from doing that indeed.

"I just want you to be safe Pen, that's it." He then turned to face the shore and said nothing more.

Pen kept observing him, analysing his face. He truly loved her. Regardless of what she attempted to do or how far she went, he would not give up. He would come back and search for her again until he found her. His feelings were sincere.

"I just miss you, Pen. I do not expect you to tell me the same, it is just that I do." Colin's voice almost cracked. He tried to gain his composure. He didn't want to scare her away again by appearing overly sensible.

He was craving to tell her how much he loved her for who she was, but felt like it would be too much right now and maybe might wait for the ideal time. Just then he realises that they do not live together anymore and that anytime they may get separated again. He had to tell her this time. He had to. He could not let her leave once again without telling her.

Pen was waiting for him to demand something from her but he doesn't. He just mentions that he misses her. That's it. He doesn't request her return. He is not expecting anything of her. He's letting her be free.

Suddenly Penelope feels her stomach gurgle and realises that she is feeling hungry and needs to eat. She was feeling more peckish than usual as the father of her child was a heavy eater after all, consequently, she needed to consume a lot more between meals than other mothers did.

She was supposed to come buy a book, explore the area a bit around and then head back home but with her conversation with Colin she didn't realise when time had flown.

"I need to get back." Her tone is low as she glances at him, knowing that this will make him feel sad and he might assume she wants to leave again. It was clear he didn't want her to leave;in fact, he seemed willing to spend the entire night talking to her on that bench. But she had to head home to eat. Eating on time was crucial since her baby needed that nourishment.

'Of course." Colin nodded, looking disconsolate, his contentment faded from his face as his expression turned solemn, as if they were bidding their last farewell. But he respected her wish.

They both stood up.

"I will get back to my carriage." Penelope looked back at Colin and was unsure how to bid him goodbye. She slowly lifted her eyes and looked at him. "Goodbye, Colin."

Colin stood still, only staring at her dejectedly, without making an attempt to speak. He was unsure how to react to her departure and how to stop her. His mouth opened and closed as he was trying to express something yet no words came out. His eyes wandered restlessly.

She gave him a nervous smile.

Penelope waited for a while for him to say something, she didn't know why but she just did. She shouldn't have even spoken to this man. It was because of him she felt compelled to run away from her home and come all this way to start a new life alone yet she was there conversing with him about life. Yet she was waiting for a word from him.

Waiting for him to prevent her from going away. Waiting for him to stop her.

A part of her yearned for Colin to hold her hand and kiss her madly and deeply but the mother she was about to become advised her to stay away from him. Her inside was feeling like a typhoon. The perplexity made her even more hungry as the thoughts swirled in her mind.

Penelope started walking away and Colin panicked, mulling over a quick approach to stop her. Furthermore, he wished for her to be safe however and wherever she was headed to.

"Let me accompany you," he walked to her, examining her expression and sensing a negative response. "Please?" his eyes were pleading.

"I can manage Colin, it's fine." Pen is hesitant as she avoids his gaze to not give in to his pleading look. She could not bring him there, all her plans would fail. He would be aware of her new residence when she ran away from him.

"I will not stalk you or come to stay over your house or wherever you're staying Pen, I will just accompany you and drop you wherever it is. It is not a ruse for me to find out where you live, I just want you to be safe. I promise." She lifted her head to see him gazing at her pleadingly and desperately.

"Colin…I…" she was unsure how to refuse him.

"Please let me accompany you, Pen" His eyes were still imploring hers.

"Yes?" Colin motioned his head and raised his eyebrows to ask her approval.

She nodded. "Alright." Then cursed herself right away. What was she doing? Bringing him to her residence; the man who she had fled from, the man she had to begin this new life so far away from. She couldn't say no now.

Even then, he felt honest and changed. Perhaps he would not stalk her and respect her personal space. She decided to bring some peace to her mind and think of a positive outcome from all of this.

Just before they walked away to head for her carriage, Colin stopped her.

"Pen!" Colin called her as she began to walk. Pen turned back to face him, her eyes questioning him as she was unable to guess what he was about to ask.

His gaze was hesitant, straying on her and all over the place. "Can we…" he paused then continued. "Can we meet again?" He gestured a question with his head. "Tomorrow perhaps?"

Pen does not reply.

"If you are free, of course." He adds, trying to be persuasive. Pen looks at him hesitantly and does not reply again.

She had no idea what to reply.

She was eager to meet him, but she also didn't want to appear weak in front of him and allow him to treat her badly as he had the last time. She wanted to make sure he was not going to hurt her again.

"Colin…I…" Pen lowered her gaze, about to refuse his request when Colin cut in to convince her, before she refused, as he obviously sensed.

"I just want a chance to rectify my mistake Pen. Am only asking for one day from you, to be with you." He slowly made sure to weigh each word he was letting out, taking care to avoid saying anything that might scare her. All he wanted to do was spend time with her and ultimately tell her how he messed up and loved her for who she was.

Pen looked dubious.

With his eyes on her, he persists, "All I'm asking is some time with you and…I know if you do not accept, maybe you might go away and I will not find you again but I am sure one way or another we will meet Pen." He let out a heavy sigh, sounding desperate. "I will not…" He presses his eyelids, thinking thoroughly over his words, opening them again and gazing back at her. "I will never stop searching for you."

His eyes were pleading with her. "Please…"

Penelope is reluctant at first, but after meeting his eyes, she decides to accept since he sounded honest and despairing. She had turned down his pleas when he had already asked her once in that hotel bedroom.

Even though he interpreted their marriage as coercive, he had given her a chance while she was Lady Whistledown and had given her a chance in their relationship. He could have well cut their relationship but he did not, even if it was self-serving or for some other purpose, but he did give her a chance. Even if he did not offer her another chance after their wedding, she had at least one chance earlier.

Perhaps she could do that same too, one chance to see if he was indeed different or this was all a pretence.

He deserved a chance at least. He didn't seem as the selfish Colin she knew, he seemed to have changed. She decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Alright, Colin." She sighed. "We can meet tomorrow."

Colin smiled wholeheartedly at her and let out a sigh of relief.

She pressed her lips, lowered her eyes and continued, looking back at him. "What did you have in mind?" her eyes were inquisitive, as though speculating on Colin's possible plans for a day with her.

Colin had not given it much thought, he just wanted to be with her, no matter where, doing no matter what. Then an idea came to him.

"Shall we go to the beach?" Colin studied her expression intently, trying to gauge whether or not this was what she wanted. "You said you loved the beach here and so do I. We could have a picnic by the beach maybe? For lunch?" He let out an exciting smile, expecting perhaps the same from her.

"That sounds great...but…" She looked at him seriously and Colin's smile faded on her 'but' as his heart skipped a beat. 'Was she gonna say no now?', he thought sadly.

"Maybe I could meet you after lunch at the beach? We could spend the afternoon if that's alright for you?" She recalled how her condition required her to eat a large lunch and occasionally caused her to have morning sickness. She didn't want Colin to find out about her being with child, even if she was willing to give him a chance.

Atleast, not now.

"Of course", he replied as he sighed, relieved, his smile coming back to his lips. "That's fine for me." not showing his sadness at realising he wouldn't get the opportunity to eat with her. He loved food and loved her and would have been delighted to share food with her. 'Later perhaps' he thought.

"Where do you want me to meet you?" he asked.

"Umm, I'll meet you at the beach directly, just over there?" She pointed at the particular place of the beach where there were a lot of trees where they could comfortably walk and have a seat and talk. He nodded and smiled, happy at the notion that she had a good spot in mind.

"Shall we go?" Pen was very hungry now and all this enthusiasm increased her hunger even more. It was important that she went to eat or she might collapse soon.

Colin nodded then they proceeded to walk besides each other until they reached the carriage.

Just before reaching the carriage, he bought a piece of parchment from a trader and borrowed a quill and wrote down his hotel address.

"Contact me on this address if there is anything urgent. Do not hesitate. I will always be there for you." he handed Pen the piece of parchment. "It's just over there" and gestured to the area his hotel was. She nodded, smiled and took it, her heart also smiling at the kind gesture and his words.

She instructed the carriage driver to drop him home after her. Colin appreciates that she gave him some thought.

"You drop him wherever he tells you to, just after me."

"Yes Ma'am."

Pen was not worried what people would say about her being with him, as long as they were not doing anything to attract notice, nobody would snoop on them. In her neighbourhood Mary and William were supportive.

He extended his hand to assist Pen in boarding the carriage. She hesitated one second, knowing what his touch would do to her then grabbed his palm.

As soon as their hands touch, they both feel a tingling sensation in their heart as though some old feeling was being rekindled. She was not wearing gloves to avoid being recognised as high society women.

They both lifted their heads and eyes to gaze at each other at that touch before she stepped in the carriage.

Pen felt that his hands were soft and cold yet it felt warm.

Colin felt Pen's small curvy fingers as warm and comforting. He did not want to let go.

He followed her and placed himself on the opposite seat, not invading her private space. As they sit in the carriage together, Pen is looking outside the window and occasionally glancing at him but Colin keeps looking back at her rather than outside the window.

Pen's blushes as she realises that Colin is staring at her when she glances at him twice and notices his eyes fixed on her and notices the way he's gazing at her. Colin did not try to hide it, he knew they would part ways soon and he took full advantage of the opportunity to gaze at the pretty face he missed so much and would miss in a while.

She attempts to remain composed.

If she looked at him too much she might not be able to control herself. She did not know what was happening to her. Maybe it was her condition and also the fact that the last times they were in a carriage, they were intimate. The first time they were intimate was indeed in a carriage, just after their first kiss.

That moment swirled her mind as she remembered it. His confession, her consent, their long and intense passionate kisses. She then shook her head to break her trance. It was no longer the same man, he had treated her badly and left her alone. She was supposed to be hating him, or at least not feel that way about him. She was really bewildered.

She sighed loudly and Colin noticed that.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

Penelope was startled, stupidly fearing that he knew what she was thinking about.

"Umm, yes. Yes. I'm fine." She replied nervously, quickly avoiding his gaze.

Colin nodded and then continued staring at her.

She could not even ask Colin why he was staring at her like this because he would probably say he loved her and she didn't want any more feelings to come to the surface. Things would get complicated if he started confessing and she might not be able to stop either. It was already overwhelming enough.

The carriage stops as they arrive at her house.

Colin gives her a wee glimpse before getting down to assist her in exiting the carriage. Once again their hands touched and she made sure to let go of his grip as quickly as possible and Colin noticed that. He surmised she probably hated his touch against her hand but did not give it too much thought.

He casts a fleeting peek around the place and its surroundings not appearing too curious, as he promised he would respect her privacy but he also wanted to ensure she was being safe and knowing where she was could also help in the event she was in some trouble and required assistance.

Pen glances at her house then looks back at him, realising it was now time to bid goodbye.

Colin looks at her sadly. His heart was beating a bit faster at the thought of separating with her. He wanted something to happen and she would stay. A miracle or anything. But then, it was reality, he would have to leave her and return to his hotel, all alone and by himself.

Colin presses his lips, trying not to show off his depressed expression.

"Goodbye, Pen." With a sorrowful expression, he glanced at her before shifting his focus and returning to gaze at her.

"See you tomorrow…", his tone sounded more like a question than a reminder. As though he was ensuring she would be present and would not ditch him.

He gazed in her eyes questionably, awaiting for her affirmation.

"Yes." Pen nodded and he was reassured. "Tomorrow." She gave him a smile with her eyes and turned and walked away, resisting turning back to look at him as she went in.

Colin watched as she entered her house and got back in the carriage, assured she was safe. He avoided staying too long and causing trouble for her in her surroundings, he had no idea what she told others about him and also wanted to respect her boundaries.

When he returned to the carriage, he was beaming wholeheartedly, feeling hopeful for the following day.

He desperately wanted the night to go by quickly so tomorrow would come already. Colin was feeling so excited. He could not stop smiling and grinning as he travelled back to his hotel, leaning against the seat, feeling so happy, sighing heavily as he processed what just happened.

His eyes gleamed with a feeling of hope.

Upon returning to his hotel room that day, he wrote Pen another letter in which he expressed his happiness at having met her. He wrote down all his feelings, as he wanted to remember how amazing he felt some moments ago and feeling that again while writing the letter.

In addition, he wanted Penelope to discover how delighted he was to see her. Maybe one day will come when he might be able to give her the letters and she will read them but for now he was purely so thrilled that he had to write his feelings down.

Perhaps he might re-read them again when he's feeling down to remember how ecstatic he had been.

After dinner, he relaxed in his seat on his hotel balcony as he smiled.

He wasn't certain he would be able to sleep, he was too excited. Even so, he made an effort to talk himself into going to bed early. Being late the following day was the last thing he desired. He would wake up early so he could have breakfast and lunch on schedule before getting prepared to meet her.

Colin also desired to look appealing, he had not been able to sleep well lately and needed to obtain a decent night's sleep this time to appear pleasant on the rendezvous with his wife. It seemed as though they were back to courting again. He smiled as he set his head on his pillow.

It dawned on him then that he will have to extend his stay at the hotel. As long as she was there, he wouldn't leave, regardless of how long. Even if that meant having to change accommodation. There was no reason to travel again now. His purpose was here and he had to work on earning her forgiveness and sharing his love.

After many many days Colin Bridgerton finally slept peacefully, feeling hopeful.

His heart, his eyes and lips all smiling with happiness.

Chapter 9: Back to being friends

Summary:

Penelope decides to give Colin a second chance and as a result, they both rediscover one another, initially via friendship.

Notes:

As much as they need to get over their arguments when Colin discovered she is Lady Whistledown and the entrapment comment and then his angst etc., they need to find themselves comfortable back again with each other.

Understanding that she no longer wants him near, Colin still keeps his boundary with her and with that they will need to become friends over again and rekindle their years of friendship and find solace in each other before moving to the next step and thereon unleash their anger so they can resume to being lovers again.

If they unleash their anger while being at their awkward stranger selves, the distance between them may never fade because Pen is still upset at Colin and Colin still feels Pen does not want him near her.

Of course it is a Polin HEA, but before that they will need to deepen their own relationship and come to terms with each other before moving on to the next phase; their marriage and Pen being with child.

It's not far, we're almost there. ;)

Meanwhile enjoy the new chapter :D

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

As Penelope enters her bedchamber, she gets angry and frustrated at herself for accepting his rendezvous. 'How on earth could she have approved this?' she wonders. Even if she was missing him, she had run away from him to come to this place and now she was extending an invitation to him to reclaim his place in her life.

'Was that right?' Penelope wondered apprehensively.

She is anxious at Colin for having granted his request. One chance, though, might not be all that horrible. It would benefit her if he passed the trial since it would indicate that he had truly changed and perhaps she could win him back as her husband and her best friend again?

Nevertheless, she would be in peril if he hadn't changed. She might have to relocate or perhaps just tell him to go away and leave her alone.

Penelope is afraid he may turn out like last time; gentle and kind in the beginning but vexed and fuming afterwards. She prayed that it wouldn't turn out that way. Her resettlement attempts thus far cannot be in vain.

She had wished to discuss this with Mary, but her friend had been very busy at work and John was also sick hence she had been unable to meet her. Perhaps after meeting Colin this time she might then talk about it with Mary.

However, she does inform her maid of Colin's return and the fact that he was unaware of her being with child. The maid knew him since she was with them in their marital home.

Pen misses Rae, with whom she felt more comfortable and was like her friend. She had left Rae for Colin and here he was, along with her. Colin had just taken off, leaving everything behind in her quest. She was conscious that he would perhaps find her but not twice and not so soon. Could that be a sign?

Penelope no longer believed in destiny as she had already suffered so much. Suffering in her own family to then suffer in her marriage with her husband and now she was enduring all this as a mother. So many dilemmas in her life but she had no regrets of any, she was appreciative to have experienced love, to have obtained the same in return even if only momentarily and now she was eagerly waiting to be a mother.

The idea of a new life that she would get to nurture inside of her made her grin. At the notion, she gave herself a soft stroke on her belly.

That's when Penelope pondered on the father. The father was an issue; they had made plans to meet the following day but she wasn't absolutely positive if she should go or not.

Pen then makes the decision to give him a chance, and if after that he still hasn't changed, she'll tell him that she no longer wishes to stay married to him and request him to go back, because she will never be his.

She was still wearing her wedding band and wonders if Colin saw that. It was imperative that she continued to wear it because in a few weeks she would be showing that she was with child and perhaps at that point she could inform the society that she was separated or widowed or that her husband was on travel.

As of right now, not many questions were asked and for those who did try to, she skirted the subject, thankfully nobody pried too much.

The weather was pleasant the next morning. As he woke up, smiling and rubbing his eyes, Colin was thrilled that the weather would be perfect for a walk on the beach.

Colin felt like he slept for weeks and he had a sense of optimism that filled him with happiness and excitement, like he was fulfilled. Given the early hour, he lingered on the bed for a little while longer, daydreaming about Pen and their future meeting.

It was the third time she had summoned the maid and Pen knew that even this time she would throw up. She woke up long before her scheduled hour since her stomach had been quite upset and it remained so ever since she woke.

Her morning sickness had come very early and was severe. Then something stressed her; about her appointment with Colin. Not whether or not she will meet him, but rather whether or not she can go in case Colin discovers she is sick and uncovers the cause.

Pen wonders if by lunchtime she would recover to go meet her husband. They were going to meet again as if they were in the early stages of their relationship.

She ponders on the outcome of this.

Will she have to run away once more or will destiny give her a chance with the man she loved this time? Well, she wasn't expecting anything at all. All she wanted was to meet him and get this over with.

Penelope will honour her promise. Colin had asked and even confirmed with her, she would try to go. She did not want him to think she could not keep her word. Pen prayed she would be better by the afternoon.

She stepped out onto her balcony to get some fresh air while contemplating the additional months of morning sickness she would have to put up with. If only there was someone to just hold her hand and reassure her that all would be well. Someone of her own. She sighed, impatient for her queasiness to subside.

Penelope slowly descended her carriage a few steps away from where she had suggested for her and Colin to meet. Even before lunchtime, she had felt significantly better, so she made the decision to fulfil her word and go see Colin. Perhaps a stroll on the beach would also make her feel better, with some fresh air and a chance of scenery.

Thinking that could be how long they would spend, she had rented the carriage for roughly two hours. Renting carriages was the norm for anyone outside the upper class, who were not allowed to possess their own.

This time, instead of wearing her coat, she wore a light blue, simple dress that her modiste had recently sewn for her. Since her size would soon change, she had not ordered many robes; instead, she had opted to wear her coat or stick to her previous outfits. As soon as she stepped off her carriage, she noticed Colin from afar, he was already there, waiting.

The weather was nice. She felt a breeze brush one of her strands onto her forehead as she swiped it away with her fingers, while approaching Colin.

Colin was already there more than half an hour earlier, a few minutes past midday. He had been unable to wait any longer. The excitement and anticipation made him arrive earlier than planned and was afraid he might be late. He installed himself on or more likely reserved a bench in the sitting area.

He kept looking back to check whether Pen had arrived, occasionally getting up in case he might miss her while remaining seated, and when he checked for the twentieth time or so, she was finally in view.

The sight of Pen approaching him makes his eyes sparkle. Colin scanned her and noticed how radiant she was in that light blue dress. He remarked that she looked so beautiful this time, given that her coat was off. As her hair was flowing in the sea breeze, she swiped away one of her hair strands and lifted her eyes to look at him.

As soon as their eyes met, Colin's heart skipped a beat. How could he have failed to see and overlooked someone as breathtaking as her all these years? How could he have ignored that goddess that was in his life. How fortunate he had been to marry someone of her calibre, yet he abandoned her and let his resentment overcome him.

While approaching Colin, Pen observes how handsome he appeared. He had groomed himself in comparison to the day before. His wavy brown hair was gleaming in the afternoon sunshine and his blue eyes appeared even more so. His long dark blue coat that she adored to see him in made him look appealing.

Pen realises that it had been so long since they went strolling in the sun. The last time was when he was giving her lessons.Then they were betrothed and even before they were married, he had discovered about her being LW and since then their relationship had become quite strained. They ceased spending any time together.

She's curious how long he had been waiting for her.

Seeing Pen arrive to visit him makes Colin very happy.

For a while, upon the fifteenth time turning back to check whether she was there, he had got a bad feeling that she might not turn up. He'd talked himself into believing he'd double checked with her and she would not break that promise. Even still, every now and then a panic would creep into his mind thinking that she had already packed her stuff, left town, and was travelling to get far away from him, while in the meantime he was excitedly preparing to meet her.

Her arrival was punctual. He advances half way to meet her and smiles brightly as soon as they reach each other. Colin really wanted to lean in and plant a soft kiss on her lips, but their relationship had reached a point where they could not even hold hands. This was the separation he had formed between him and his wife when he decided to abandon her. He had to deal with it now.

"Good day." He greeted her calmly.

"Good day." she replied, with a tone identical to his.

Penelope was delighted to see Colin, despite her reluctance to come. A deep-seated need within her desired to meet him and there she was, standing once again before the man she had fled, the man she had wed.

Here they were, back to being strangers, back again to the first step of a relationship when they ought to have been on their honeymoon not leaving each others' lips, not leaving each others' arms. They should have been exchanging kisses each time they were meeting again after being apart for barely ten minutes; like a newlywed couple madly in love.

Yet here they were.

Greeting each other 'good days' as though they had just started a courtship. Even then, it was adorable, even if disheartening to go back to that initial step.

"How are you doing?" Colin struck up the conversation before it became awkward.

"I am doing well, Colin" she lies, remembering her sickness in the morning. "What about you?"

"I am fine." He smiled. "Umm…thank you for coming, Pen."

Pen smiled at him and gestured a nod in response, her gaze was solemn while Colin's was jovial.

They then advance to take a seat on the bench.

The beach was calm, and the ocean was horrible either. The gentle sound of waves crashing was audible and there were a few people strolling, enjoying the nice weather and the fresh air.

Colin then Colin takes something carefully out of his pocket as they sit, not wasting time.

Pen observes him doing so. He gazes at Pen, reading her eyes, guessing her reaction. She seems neutral.

"I have something for you, Pen." Colin flashes a smile at the little pouch in his hand.

He opens it and takes out a piece of jewellery. It was a bracelet. Shortly after breakfast, he had visited the jeweller to buy something for Pen. He could not go to meet his wife empty-handed, of course.

Pen is at a loss for words; she does not want him to give her anything nor does she feel like she can refuse. Even though they were still married, Colin made a concerted effort to maintain his boundaries.

"Colin." She looked at him intently. "You did not have to…" She hesitated.

"I wanted to Pen. Can I?" he gestured for her hand earnestly.

She looked at him before extending her left hand. Her wedding band was still on her finger. Upon noticing that, Colin smiled mildly, but, deep down, he was grinning broadly knowing that she was still wearing his ring. With care, he places the bracelet on her wrist.

It was made of tiny sea shells. Colin desired to give her a souvenir of their beach rendezvous.

In addition, the bracelet included small flowers with a bright green hue that reflected light and gave it a shimmer. Pen smiled at the bracelet's aesthetic. She observes Colin as he intently fastens the bracelet on. He looked so handsome. He was so close to her and for a moment, a spark ignited into her; the spark she had felt for him everytime she would admire him at society gatherings and balls.

They both felt a prickling sensation as his fingers touched her skin.

Colin secured the bracelet on her hand and lifted his eyes to her, catching her staring at him. He gazed at her observantly as he noticed how her eyes were so beautiful, gleaming in the afternoon sunlight. His eyes then lowered to her lips and observed how her lips were rosy and plump, so ready for them to join his. Despite his strong desire to kiss her, he refrains from doing so, avoiding making her feel uncomfortable.

Their hands were still connected after he had placed the jewellery on hers. As Pen remarks Colin was staring at her lips, she swiftly withdraws her hand from Colin's and looks away.

Colin perceives her movement and licks his lips at his thoughts and shifts his gaze before being consumed by lust.

They both shifted their gaze to the sea and Penelope glanced at the bracelet and smirked airily not making it noticeable to Colin.

"Thank you." she said softly, looking at him.

"I hope you like it." He offered her a smile.

"It's beautiful." Pen said, looking at him intently, trying to hide her smile.

Glad she liked it, he smiles broadly.

They stared at the beach for a while, contemplating the view and just enjoying each other's company in silence.

"Have you had lunch?" Colin began, observing her and taking in her beauty.

"Yes, I did. I had something light, a vegetable soup." Pen realises then what she had mentioned.

"Why something light? Are you not well, Pen?" Colin asked inquisitively, his brows knitted at her.

"Ummm…no, I am well, Colin." She avoided his gaze. "I just did not want to eat something heavy."

Colin nodded.

"How have things been so far? I hope you have someone with you to manage?" Colin had been worried she had no maid to assist her and failed to notice she had brought someone with her.

"Yes. I have a maid I brought from our…from home." Pen was still unsure she could call it 'our home' considering that she stayed there alone most of the time. Colin notices her change of words but makes no remark about it.

"That is good." sending her a smile.

He really wanted to apologise but feared that she might feel upset or angry and leave. He wished to make the most of their time together.

"Do you have more news about our family?" Pen was curious.

"Umm…no. I shall write to them and let you know." He smiles softly. "Ummmm...do you…" He licks his lips and continues while studying her eyes "Do you wish me to inform them that I have found you?" Colin wanted to ask her without proceeding by himself.

"No!" "I do not wish for them to know, not for now. Please!" her tone sounded serious. Until she was certain that she still wanted to be with Colin, she hesitated to let everyone discover her whereabouts.

Colin nodded although he wished to inform his family that he had located her; they had been so worried. He chose to respect her choice until she was ready to tell them.

As long as he was with her, nothing else seemed to matter now. He felt like his world was complete again, well half of it, because he still needed to work towards earning her forgiveness.

"Are you looking forward to travelling again?" Pen asks.

Colin smiles faintly. He thought Pen was fed up with him already and was eager to see him leave but he didn't bring it up though since he did not want any argument as of now. He tells her the truth of the reason to not travel again.

"There's no reason to travel now. I found you." He observes her tenderly, as he anticipates her reaction.

That was not what she had expected. She feels touched by his words. Pen smiles at him, her eyes lighting up at what he said, she was unable to contain her smile, something had stirred in her heart.

It then dawned on her that he would stay there and not leave her.

How would she manage to hide from him about her being with child? Things are getting so complicated and wonders if she'll be able to keep it a secret longer. Momentarily, her mind wandered.

"I am sorry Pen." She turns to face him while he's staring at the ocean. Colin thought it was about time to start apologising for all the hurtful behaviour and harsh comments. Even if he did not wish to apologise for how he had responded to her being LW now, he could apologise for the situation before.

"I apologise for all the years that I failed to notice you Pen, for all the time I lost courting someone else when it should have been you all along." He turns to face her and gazes at her tenderly, swallowing as he continues. "I am sorry for taking so long until I was afraid I might lose you completely."

Pen gives him a sorrowful, gentle look, she does not want him to apologise for that, she's glad they eventually got together, even if late. "Colin, you do not have to apologise for that." She shakes her head as she speaks softly.

"Let me Pen." he turns himself to face her entirely. "I was truly a fool, I never realised the one who I needed was already there beside me. I wish I had comprehended that sooner and we could have been together much earlier." His expression appeared regretful.

Pen looked at him intently, without saying anything. He gave off the impression of being sincere in his statements. With trepidation, she flashes a blank smile, then gives a nod.

"It's alright, Colin. It truly is." She beams at him.

"I was an idiot for not seeing you, Pen. I…" His voice starts shaking.

"Colin, please. You don't need to apologise for it. I never resent you for that. It's not your fault." She broadened her smile to reassure him.

Colin assuredly smiled. "Do you want to walk a bit Pen?"

"Yes. We can." She nodded amiably.

Taking advantage of the fresh air, they strolled along the beach. Penelope had worn flat shoes because of the sand, she had anticipated walking with Colin.

"I have strolled the beach daily ever since my visit here. The beach is really beautiful and pleasant, particularly the sunset." Colin was glad this time he was not alone.

Penelope grinned in agreement. "The beach is indeed beautiful here. I do come for a visit some days but I have not watched the sunset yet.

"I could bring you one day, if you wish to." He feels compelled to ask, even though his eyes were hesitant. It would be such a special evening to be accompanied by his wife, together watching the sun set over the horizon instead of doing so alone.

"I…" Pen hesitated. Given that she was uncertain herself, it was not appropriate to raise Colin's hopes. "Perhaps later. I…I will let you know."

"Of course." Colin gave her a sweet smile in the absence of a refusal, at the very least. There was hope.

They kept on walking and contemplating the beach together, gazing ahead while sinking their feet in the sand.

Colin was eager to extend his previous apology and apologise for more.

"I…" Colin began. "I realise I have been selfish, Pen." "More than once."

He glanced at her as they walked. Pen met his eyes.

"When I realised my feelings for you, I was so selfish that I wanted you for myself not realising the consequences of ruining your courtship with Lord Debling. I have been inconsiderate and I am so sorry for it." Colin stopped and moved ahead of her. "I realise how I have overlooked you Pen and you had to almost marry someone else despite your feelings for me."

Reaching over, he grasped her hands in his. Pen is a bit astounded at Colin's behaviour and gestures. When he began speaking, his eyes began to well up with tears, and he stared tenderly into hers. She gazes back at him attentively.

"You have no idea how it pains me to think of the hurt I caused you when you left and upon the words in your letter."

"I know I have been anxious at you but I never felt trapped in our marriage Pen. I do not wish to, and never will wish to annul our marriage." Colin glances at the beach momentarily, reflecting for a split second before resuming.

"I acknowledge I have neglected and abandoned you alone in our house and even while I was present over there I ignored you, although you had opened your heart to me but…"

Upon hearing those words, Penelope recalled the pain she had endured when Colin left her alone and did not support her. She was determined not to want to go through that again and just the mere thought of it sent shivers down her spine.

Pen slowly removed her hand from his. It was too early for her to give in. She's curious what lies ahead of this 'but'. Could it be 'but I could not forgive you for being Lady Whistledown' or 'but I could not accept you as someone like Lady Whistledown?

One day he was confessing his love for her and the next he was claiming he would never forgive her. Then again swearing to 'hold her' during their wedding vows and the next day deserting her where she had to beg him to 'hold' her.

Colin realised how hurt she must have been by the way he noticed that she withdrew her hand in response to his words.

"Pen…" Colin gave her a teary-eyed look. Pen lowered her eyes after removing her hand, in case she might weaken and begin to cry at his gaze. It was imperative she kept her composure.

"Colin, please." She lifted her eyes to look at him. "Don't…don't say anything if you do not mean it."

"Pen…I…" He tried to weigh his words carefully before letting them out. "Pen, I mean everything I am saying, every single word. It pained me a lot for not seeing you for so many days and you cannot imagine how I have pondered over what transpired. Over how deeply I have hurt you and over how much suffering I've brought onto you."

"I wish to work upon what I have not been able to offer you of myself before." His words were slow yet meaningful.

Colin wanted to speak about the entrapment comment and apologise for it and mention the fact that he understood why she was Lady Whistledown, but the atmosphere was getting too tense and Penelope seemed uncomfortable. He did not want to push it hence considered not adding anything further.

"I just wanted to tell you that I am and will always be happy married to you and I do not wish…"

As Colin was speaking, all kinds of thoughts were running through Pen's mind and she felt stuck in a quandary. 'What would occur if Colin says he does not forgive her for being LW?' or 'What if he forgives her?' His words ring in her ears as she studies his gaze, immersed in her own thoughts the entire time. 'What if he says he forgives me, can I tell him of me being with child?'

Then with his last sentence, Pen feels a sudden surge of heat run through her body as he concludes by stating that he will always be happy in their marriage. 'Does that mean he will never leave and I will have to tell him I am with child?' 'But what if he does not forgive me, how can I tell him I am with child?' 'I must first know if he accepts that I am LW'.

Pen, however, was reluctant to raise this topic with Colin. They had just begun talking again as friends and he was acting kindly and appeared to have changed. She can still feel the heat rising in her body as her thoughts are fighting.

Suddenly she feels dizzy.

With all the topics Colin was sharing with her, it was too much to digest. That was excessive considering her condition and current experiences. She feels dizzy and before Colin can continue his sentence, she lowers her eyes and, she places her fingertips on her head as if attempting to gather herself.

"Colin, I…I don't feel well." She says, pressing her palm on her temple.

"Pen!" "What's wrong?" Colin exclaimed.

"I need to sit down." Pen quickly replied. If she did not sit down, she would definitely collapse and if Colin brought a physician to consult her, he would discover she is with child. This could not happen.

"Yes. of course." Colin grabs her left arm and her right shoulder as he stands behind her and hurriedly brings her to a bench beneath a nearby tree. "What's wrong Pen?" "Should I fetch the carriage?" Colin was so worried. He was panicking and had no idea what to do.

He kneeled in front of her, grabbing her hand gently and looking at her attentively, one hand on her wrist and the other on her shoulder, making sure she would not get dizzy and fall.

"No." "It's nothing. I was just a bit tired. I did not sleep well and…" She took care not to let him learn that she was sick. "I believe that I am simply tired. I'll feel better after taking a seat for a little while." She knew whenever she was that dizzy, either she would throw up or she just had to take some time to rest and unwind before feeling better.

"Pen. Are you sure you are well? I will quickly go and inform the carriage to take you and we can go to your home then I will call the physician." He was scrutinising her with an intense gaze as she was breathing and taking in air calmly.

Pen shook her head. "No, it is totally fine. I will feel better once I sit and have some fresh air." As much as she was appreciating how much he seems to be caring for her right now, does not wish for any complications. She really wanted to trust him but him being in her house, then discovering her secret? No.

It was too much already at present.

"I cannot just sit by and watch you this sick, Pen. Please let me do something." Colin was not convinced she was well even if she started looking better by breathing in the sea fresh air.

"I am well Colin. I am feeling better already." She smiled at him. All she needed to do was take a seat and decompress for a little. Pen cherished Colin's concern for her.

"Are you sure Pen?" His worried, concerned eyes spoke volumes.

Pen was feeling much better now. She grinned at him and nodded. Her reaction made Colin feel partly, though not entirely, convinced. He made an effort to believe her.

He took a seat and settled to her left and let out a deep sigh. "You got me very worried for a while, Pen." His frown was still full of worry.

Pen turned to look back at him beside her, his face flushed with concern and perspiring from her condition. She was treasuring his presence here with her. She grinned, finding it endearing and heroic that he was concerned about her.

She mused over the concept, wondering whether they could be together like this. 'No.' 'It was still too early. It was too soon to put her trust in him in case he would become fickle again.'

Penelope turned to face the shore, appreciating the wonderful weather.

"Do you remember how as kids we enjoyed staying outdoors?" Colin said after finally being calm, staring out to sea as well. "Your mother would always be furious with you for playing outside and ruining your clothes." He turned to face her.

"Yes, I remember." Pen smiled remembering those earlier times together as children. "I bet if she would see me right now with my dress soaked in sand, she would probably be just as angry," she replied, peeping down at the sand-filled hem of her blue dress above her feet. She giggles at that notion and Colin stares at her expression and giggled back.

He loved seeing her smile and laugh.

"You are still the same." He smiled at her. Her gaze locked with his.

She giggled and looked away saying. "I bet some things do not change indeed. You are still a heavy eater as you were, Colin. Even after travelling so much, all you like about the place is its food." She then laughs and gazes at him.

Colin laughed back at her remark. He likes how she's teasing him and the fact that she still recalls his words from the day before.

Seeing her so happy, he remembered how much he loved her. Her laughter and smile warmed his heart; she was his comfort. He desired to tell her how much he loved her for who she is but refrains from doing so, in case she takes him as clingy.

Colin wants to let Pen feel comfortable with him first.

This time, instead of only thinking about himself, he is thinking about her. He does not wish for her to feel uncomfortable and leave because after a lot of struggle she has managed to settle here. Perhaps on their next encounter he will tell her, she will be more at ease by then.

'Hopefully' he thinks.

"I am sorry again for what you had to endure, Pen. I realised that when I received your letter. I wish things had occurred differently." He gives her a sorrowful smile, his pain and honesty reflecting in his eyes.

Pen listens to him intently but does not say anything and then after pondering for a while she eventually responds.

"What are you expecting of me, Colin?" Her voice was soft and calm, not accusatory or defensive as she placed her profound gaze on him. She was only curious as to Colin's real intentions because it appeared like he was all set to win her back.

"What do you mean…Pen?" He stared at her intently. Unsure what she meant by her question. It could mean anything. 'What was he expecting from their relationship? Or marriage?' 'Or her returning home with him?' 'Or how would he allow her to reside there?'

"I mean, you are here…you are here with me and we are not in Mayfair and…I have settled here. What are you expecting of me, with you? In whatever there is between us?" She examined his face attentively.

"I am not expecting anything from you Pen. I just want to spend time with you, no matter where we are. I just want to make up for all the time I have been foolish enough to miss spending with you. For all the years I have wasted, for all the moments we have lost, before we got married and afterwards." He lowered his eyes to gather his thoughts, trying to evade the desire of kissing her or the intimacy he missed with her.

"I just want to spend that time with you, that is all." He looked at her intently, studying her eyes as his eyebrows drawn up in the inner corners. "Are you not liking the time we are spending together, Pen?" his tone low and painful while gazing at her studiously, his mind already gearing up for the pain his heart will endure if she says no.

"I am. I am actually enjoying the time that we are spending together." Gazing at her husband tenderly she let out a soft grin. Though Pen wants to give him more time, she recognizes that he has truly changed.

Colin's heart tingled at her response and her grin. He smiled then grinned from ear to ear, exposing his dimples. He stared in her eyes affectionately and closely.

"I want to win back your love and trust, Pen, and I will strive to do my best. I promise." He placed his left hand on her palm and held it. Pen gives him another smile, locking his gaze.

Upon that Colin seizes the opportunity to ask her out again.

"Can we meet tomorrow again, Pen?" studying her eyes.

Pen is reluctant as she has not been feeling well lately and does not want something to happen that may reveal about her being with child.

"The day after tomorrow? Perhaps I will attempt to rest a bit tomorrow." Pen thought she might be feeling better by then.

Colin agrees even if he knows he won't be able to bear the following day without her. "Where do you want to go?" He enquired.

Pen appreciated how he gave her the right to choose but wanted to ask Colin if he already had plans in mind, she did not give it much thought. "I'm not sure. Did you have an idea already?"

"We could go to watch a play. There's a play at night. I will come fetch you?" When he went to buy her gift in the morning he noticed there was a play showing currently and was hoping he could go with Penelope. He observed her keenly as she responded. "Yes. That's fine for me." Colin beamed at her.

Unexpectedly, Pen feels as though she's about to get dizzy again. It normally did not happen and she wonders why she felt that. It could be because her months are coming near to birth? She wondered why and had little idea on that. Before things worsened, she needed to head back home or Colin would have to take care of her.

"Can we go? I don't feel quite good and would like to rest a bit at home." She did not know what justification to give and didn't want Colin to assume she was not interested in spending time with him. She thought it better to be honest, this would not reveal her being with child.

"What happened, Pen? You just assured me you were in good health" His eyes grew concerned once more.

"I am. I just need to spend some time relaxing at home since I feel a little worn out." smiling at Colin to reassure him. Though not very sick, she was cognizant that she needed to lie down.

Colin nodded. "I will take you to your carriage and accompany you home then."

"There is no need, Colin. I can go on my own." Pen did not want to bother him or allow him into her home just yet.

"No, Pen. I firmly insist. I will accompany you, only then will I return. I will stay with you if it is necessary." He was intent on accompanying her and was not ready to hear otherwise.

Pen realised his previous statement. He can learn the telltale indicators of a woman with child if he returns with her to her home and she throws up or anything relative happens.

"No, Colin. I am alright. You do not need to accompany me." nervously replying.

"Pen, I will not hear anything. I am accompanying you." He stood up and offered his hand.

Pen knew there was no use in arguing, he would accompany her no matter what. She looked up at him and slid her hand in his.

Colin held her hand as he guided her to her carriage, making sure she was well by offering occasional glances at her. Thankfully, she had not yet experienced dizziness and was walking properly.

They got in the carriage and drove back home in silence. Though not as lustful as the previous time, Colin and her were exchanging sidelong looks while in the carriage.

They arrive at her residence. Colin gets down from the carriage to assist her.

"Let me accompany you inside, Pen. I want to make sure you have been able to settle comfortably for a well deserved rest." Colin insists and doesn't let go of her hand he grabbed upon helping her down the carriage.

Penelope is unsure of what to say to him. She does not want him to come inside quite yet, some other day perhaps but not today.

Notes:

I am aware that Pen is still keeping her distance from Colin, but he had thrown harsh comments at her and abandoned her after confessing his love for her, it will take some time for her to trust him again and we are not far from that day.

She is already opening up to him little by little.

Chapter 10: Can I trust my husband again?

Summary:

Following their meeting on the beach, Penelope wonders whether she can trust Colin again and spends some time pondering on it while Colin is so enthusiastic for their second encounter.

Notes:

Apologies for not publishing earlier, my health has not been the best lately and has been unstable. With any luck, I'll post the next ones faster.

This chapter explores Penelope's thoughts for Colin and the current circumstances.

Enjoy the new chapter :)

Chapter Text

Pen is uncertain how to put in words that she does not wish for Colin to come inside her house, at least not today. She wonders how to tell him that it could be possible another time.

"There is no need, Colin. I will manage on my own. I will." she quickly managed to say.

Colin was about to disagree and she insisted again.

"Please Colin. I can go. Don't worry, I will manage. I am certain. Thank you for accompanying me so far, I appreciate it." Her tone and facial expression conveyed a serious and intense demeanour suggesting that she did not want Colin inside, as she avoided his gaze, seeming embarrassed to point out her statements.

Colin nodded, not arguing more and respecting her privacy despite his heart in disagreement.

"Very well." He gestured to her right hand that he was still holding. "May I?" he asked, looking intently at her and she nodded. He kisses her hand gently and smiles at her.

"I shall see you soon. Take care, Pen." She nodded. Just as she was leaving, Colin added.

"Umm…for the play, it is a high society play, don't worry. Also, no need to rent one, I will come pick you in my carriage and then drop you back. You'll be safer with me instead of riding alone. Get ready by six." Colin reassured her in case she might worry of being seen with him in a play in town while additionally ensuring she was secure under his care.

"Goodbye." he said, offering her a faint smile.

Without further ado, she walked away and got in her house.

Seeing her walk into the home alone and knowing that he won't be there to console her and check on her stings Colin's heart. Despite her stubbornness, he really wanted to go along with her but she had just warmed up to him and he did not want to cause her any frustration to the point that would make her distance herself from him again or leave or worse, feel hurt by his actions.

That night, Colin was unable to sleep so peacefully, even if he is elated after meeting Pen but he is worried sick about her health. The image of her state before she entered her house was stuck in his mind. Though it was not feasible, he longed to go see her in the middle of the night.

Colin dreamed of Pen in the night, not a nightmare but one in which he was close beside her. Pen and him were sitting by the seaside watching the sunset together, holding hands while she was leaning on his shoulder.

He was sorely missing being at her side again.

Penelope did not linger much before retreating to bed. After getting home, she went on her bed to rest until dinner then went to sleep very early. Despite being quite appreciative of her pleasant day with Colin and continued to ruminate about the good moments but she needed effective relaxation. It was crucial that she rested so that when she woke up she could rationally consider the current circumstances and the appropriate course of action of whether she could start to trust Colin or she should hold off on trusting him unlike she did previously.

As soon as he had his breakfast, Colin heads up to Pen's house. He had intended to send a note but he was too anxious about her. As he arrives at her residence, he stays by the door outside out of respect for her privacy.

He swings the door knocker and the maid comes for him and he asks for her.

Thankfully Pen was not someone too demanding and her maid did not have much work to do on her own, Pen was also quite manageable. Another maid would come weekly to clean her house so that her personal maid would assist her with other chores.

Due to her relapsing sickness, Penelope had called the Physician on the eve to consult her early in the morning and the maid hence informs Colin that Pen is busy as she had strictly mentioned no visitors to come.

Colin tries to insist. "I just want to see her to know if she is feeling well. Please If you'll just let me see her for five minutes. I will not be long."He sounded desperate in his request. Stating that Pen should not be disturbed, the maid refuses to let him in.

As much as Colin wanted to barge in for being tremendously anxious, he honours his wife's wish of being left alone. He nods dejectedly and departs broken -hearted, after requesting the maid to notify Pen of informing him about her health condition.

Not satisfied that he couldn't visit Pen, Colin returns to his hotel, worrying for her well-being. His worries consume his day. In an attempt to pass the time, he writes her a letter in which he expresses his enjoyment for every moment of their eve meeting, his excitement for their upcoming meeting and his anxiety over not seeing her this morning.

Being pretty worried the previous day, he was unable to write her any letter.

In the afternoon, he receives a note at his hotel chamber.

He quickly opens the note, already guessing who it must be from.

Dear Colin.

Thank you for dropping by this morning. My maid informed me of your visit.

I apologise for not letting you in. I was resting and needed some time alone.

I am doing well and much better than yesterday.

I hope you are doing fine on your end.

See you tomorrow.

Yours truly,

Penelope.

Hearing about Penelope's improved health made him relieved although he wished he was with her, by her side to assist her. He was feeling annoyed and helpless by the state of affairs and hoped that the situation would soon progress.

That evening, Mary comes to visit Pen.

Mary was a very simple lady, just living for herself and her son and did not expect much of life nor was she ambitious. Being in her mid thirties, she was calm of character. She had never wanted to remarry in case her son's life might be affected by a second marriage and never found someone yet who would care for him as she did. Mary was glad to not form part of a noble family where she had to only count on the support of a husband to survive. Fortunately, even as a single mother she could work and support her small family.

Their motherhood had attached her even more with Penelope ever since Pen had informed her about it. Pen had sacrificed everything including her family, her hometown, her friend and most importantly her husband and her love for him, all for her unborn child and Mary esteemed her for that selflessness. She had revealed that she would have done the same in Pen's place even if the latter was already somewhat already doing that.

The maid let Mary in and she was waiting for Penelope in her drawing room upstairs.

"Mary!" Pen was happy to finally see her, she brought such positivity to the air. "How are you? How is John doing now?" She approaches and takes a seat beside her friend. "I apologise for not coming to visit him, but I was a bit sick yesterday and I was also out."

Mary nodded. "He is much better, thankfully, his fever is gone and he's resting right now. I am also doing well, dear." She smiles lightly.

Placing her hand on Penelope, she asks her "What about you, how is everything going on? Did you experience morning sickness again?" Penelope had shared about her morning sickness with Mary including its different phases.

"Umm yes…morning sickness and dizziness as well." She then recalls her being with Colin when that happened the day before. "I called the physician today and he stated that there is nothing alarming, thankfully. It's normal at this stage."

Mary nods and smiles at Pen. "Don't worry, it will be like that and you will eventually get used to it." She presses a hand on Penelope's and offers her a reassuring grin. Pen returns her a smile.

"Mary. There is something I need to tell you…discuss with you actually." Pen sounded worried and serious. Mary was concerned for her friend. "What is it dear? Is something wrong with the baby?"

"No. It's not about the baby…." Penelope pauses before resuming in telling her friend about her husband's return.

Penelope tells her how she went out with Colin the day before and how had met him formerly. Narrating mostly about it, she left out only some personal details about their lusty glances and his gift, etc. She had just told Mary how she felt Colin's behaviour had altered from before and was looking for another chance for her forgiveness.

"What do you think I should do, Mary? Should I give him a chance or not? I do want to trust him again but after how he behaved previously, I fear he might break my trust and hurt me again, and this time I will not be able to bear it." Her voice was breaking as she finishes her sentence and tears started forming in her eyes.

Mary smiled at her. "Penelope, you have the chance to be with the man you love and the father of your child. Do not let go of it. Embrace your chance." Mary places her hand on Penelope's arm gently, offering solace. "Perhaps this is your time to be happy? A chance for happiness…" She gestures a nod at Penelope.

"Try to give him a chance and see where it goes." Mary pauses and carries on, thinking of how to encourage her friend to seize her opportunity for happiness.

"Not many husbands will follow their wives across the world to seek their forgiveness nor will they do it twice after experiencing rejection more than once. Society is full of cruel husbands and yours is not one. Of course he was not that gentle with you and had hurt you a lot but he's trying and he is not the worst." She licks her lips and pursues. "Moreover, you also mentioned that you made a mistake in hiding your secret from him. You both erred, even if he was the one who acted horribly towards you." She sends a reassuring smile at her. "You will give him a chance, yes?"

Pen is looking at her intently, listening attentively to every single word she is uttering, pondering on it, processing. She then nods and smiles lightly at Mary whose voice was calm and reassuring.

"Also, it will depend on you. There may be more to your story but based on what you told me I sincerely believe he deserves a chance. Like you described his recent demeanour he seems a changed man. That must imply he really and truly loves you. Not everyone is willing to transform who they are to become a better version for someone else, Penelope." Mary gives Pen a heartening smile.

Pen smiles broadly at her friend and is so grateful for her advice. "Thank you very much, Mary." She places her palm back on Mary's where it was placed on her arm. "I am so grateful and lucky to have you. Thank you for your counsel, it really means a lot. I am so very thankful."

Mary grins at her, happy for her friend, then adds "But if he goes back to his previous state then I believe you know what to do. I am in favour of a marital relationship to work but never for a child to have a bad father." Pen nods, hoping in her mind Colin will not turn out to be as such and will prove to be a good father. Innerly, she was confident Colin would be a wonderful father.

"If he proves to be otherwise, then you call for me, we'll go and give him a good beating. I'll bring my rolling pin along." She then gestures a rolling pen in her hand, raising it in the air. Pen laughs heartily at that. Mary knew how to lift her spirits. She changed her mood.

They then sat for a drink and discussed other stuff such as how Pen was uncertain of the number of dresses to order for her new mama size and how John was so fussy about his appetite because of his recent health issues, etc.

Both had a good time and spoke until very late that night, not wanting to retreat to bed early and enjoying each other's company. Pen had also slept a lot during the day ever since coming back home from the day before and was experiencing any sleepiness.

After Mary's departure, Pen was left alone in her drawing room as she reflected on her current situation.

She reflected of her being Lady Whistledown and how she had also hurt Colin by hiding the truth from him. Mary was not aware about that fact and Pen did not wish to tell her either. She had just mentioned about hiding something from Colin after which he became enraged and left her alone and said harsh words to her that really hurt her. Pen did mention what she had done was dreadful and how she had wished she had told Colin instead of him finding out otherwise.

Pen understood from Mary's statements that she would undoubtedly mention Colin's deservingness of a second opportunity if she revealed to her that she was Lady Whistledown, even without telling her the harsh words Colin used against her like the entrapment comment.

Mary was someone mature and would not offer her wrong advice. She was on the side of truth and fairness and had Penelope been wrong, Mary would not have hesitated to tell her the same. Mary was a straightforward, honest person.

Pen sat in her drawing room as she reflected on the possibilities of a new future that she had not planned two days ago, nor anticipated having to sit down two days afterwards to reflect on.

She had a flashback of how she escaped because she did not want Colin to blame their child for what he told her of the entrapment part, since their child was the result of intimacy he was blaming her for having trapped him after all. Additionally remembering how he had left her by herself and ignored her presence in their house and she dreads if he would do so once again.

Penelope is sceptical that he will turn into a bad man once more and become enraged with her about something.

Penelope imagined the depressing life she would be living with Colin had she not been with child. She wonders if he would still stare at her with a look of betrayal and still resent her, whether she would still be begging for his love and Colin would still be sleeping on the settee while she would be alone in their bedchamber. After all, Colin had come after her because she had escaped for being with child in the first place. She would not have run away had it not been for the sake of her unborn innocent child. She would have still perhaps remained in a bitter marriage to Colin. In a marriage that was never even consummated. Could she call it a marriage?

Penelope remembers the years she was treated as a laughing stock of the ton among the eligible women of society, how she was all alone, yearning for some love and even when she found it, it was so short term and she had to afterwards beg to be loved. Tears pooled her eyes as the notion.

'Perhaps if she gave Colin another chance, the sorely awaited love for her and her child could be back in their life', she imagined. Even if she did not feel she required Colin back to love her child and that she alone could provide so much love but if Colin had changed, this could be a new meaning to their lives.

If a child could obtain both of its parents' love, it was so meaningful and throughout her life she knew its importance.

She still feared his anger and whether after winning her forgiveness, once he would discover she is with his child and she concealed him that, whether he would become resentful again. Pen feared if Colin might then want to take her child away from her. Being a man in the society, the society granted him more rights than a woman even if she would carry the child for months in her womb.

Penelope decided that she would first attempt to ascertain his intentions and his behaviour first. Risking everything right now was not a clever move.

She was still open to the idea of not informing him about her being with child, at least not now, she was in favour of the possibility of never disclosing it because he had hurt her too much, she had let him take over her feelings too much, she had given herself to him entirely in the past has been hurt in return. She was not ready to pine for him and his love again while remaining alone in their home or alone in their bedchamber at night.

Pen ended her analysis of the situation with a sigh and opened her book on motherhood and started to read it while thinking of her encounter with Colin the following day.

In his hotel chamber, Colin considers confessing his undeniable and unconditional love to Penelope and letting her know that he understands why she was LW and that he supports her as such and that it was not solely his family name he was worried about but equally her well-being even if he somewhat showed the contrary. He was indeed anxious for his family but he was also perturbed for Pen which he failed to exhibit. He had been a fool to not show her how much he loved her.

He had the chance to do so now but fears that if he pushes it and his wife is not persuaded of his true love she may leave him again or in the event that she fears he'll act like he did in the past.

Upon feeling this dilemma, Colin realises the predicament Pen was feeling at the time and why she was reluctant to tell him about her being Lady Whistledown, perhaps in the fear of losing him. He sighed at the realisation of what she must have been through and made no attempt to understand her situation, he did not even allow her to explain herself.

He had been such a fool. Thankfully this time he has matured and has learned from his past mistakes, this thus opened the possibility of him winning his wife back this time.

As Penelope heads to the kitchen to help the maid for breakfast, while thinking of her rendezvous with Colin that evening, the maid informs her of a letter that she received in the morning.

She opens the letter that lay on her drawing room table.

Dear Pen,

I have been anxious regarding your health.

I received your note yesterday but I wish I could come to see you instead. I do hope your health is better and you are taking proper rest.

I look forward to meeting you tonight.

Take care, Pen.

Yours Truly,

Colin

Pen was content that Colin had asked how he was feeling, even though she didn't need to respond because they were already planning to meet that night.

While writing the letter Colin had desired to include an 'I love you' but then preferred to keep it formal. Even though he yearned to visit and perceived it unbearable to remain idle in his hotel, he chose to respect her privacy.

During the day, Colin went for a stroll on the beach to decompress, feeling incredibly positive and hopeful for his relationship with Pen, despite his distress for her health.

Pen, on the other hand visits the modiste to order a new dress since she hoped to own one that would be more comfortable and that she could wear without relying much on her coat. However, she did not place a large order for gowns in case she and Colin might return to their home.

The night came early and both of them were getting ready for their encounter. Colin had started getting ready quite early and was already in front of Penelope's door much before schedule, obviously. Penelope was a little eager but not as much as Colin but she ensured to be ready on time, preparing just after dinner. She felt like going to the society balls again as a debutante, only this time she wouldn't be alone but accompanied.

Pen wondered what someone in her current town would comment about her being with a stranger man if they noticed her. If someone asked, she wouldn't dare to reveal his identity.

Pen finally came down the stairs. The maid had informed her fifteen minutes earlier of Colin's arrival and she does not wish to keep him waiting longer since she knows how exhilarated he was by their meeting.

As she arrives, Colin is already outside. He had stepped out of the carriage five minutes ago in anticipation, unable to wait inside, eagerly awaiting her arrival.

As soon as Penelope appears before him, Colin's gaze changes from impatience to amazement.

She looked beautiful.

Even if she had her coat on, she had applied makeup and styled her hair so gorgeously, leaving her curls the same as the day she wore the dress she had on. Underneath, Penelope was wearing one of her previous dresses; the cyan and turquoise one she wore at her last library exhibition back in Mayfair. The dress was of fine fabric but was not so fancy and would not attract much attention since she desired to remain discreet. All that mattered was the fact that she was meeting Colin and also going out a bit. She missed going out. Pen was also glad for the opportunity of wearing one of her former dresses.

Besides, since it was a high society play they probably wouldn't notice much where she or even Colin came from or their identity. Penelope rarely ventured out in the society without her coat and the public might not recognise her. Furthermore, she would be with Colin. The thought of being accompanied with him somewhat gave her a sense of comfort.

Upon taking the dress out of her wardrobe she recalled that day when she glanced at Colin and was feeling heartbroken for knowing she would lose him upon accepting Lord Debling's proposal. What a long way they've reached since then.

Colin offered her a warm smile and extended his right hand out. His eyes, full of passion, locked on her.

"Good evening." His tone is slow.

"Good evening." she replied, a tingling sensation as usual emerging in them as their hands made contact.

"How are you doing now, Pen?" his voice and gaze were concerned.

"I am doing well Colin, I am feeling much better." She gave him a reassuring smile.

'How are you?" her voice soft.

"I am fine. Much better now that I've seen you." He smiled at her tenderly.

"You look beautiful, Pen." taking her hand and kissing it, she smiled back affectionately, her cheeks a little pink as she was blushing.

"I thought it more reasonable for us to ride in one carriage instead of you having to rent one separately, and it would be safer for you as well." He glanced at the carriage then back at her.

Despite her reluctance to travel in the same carriage to avoid any titillating feelings, she concedes that Colin was right and nods in agreement.

Colin helped her in and took a seat opposite of her. Though he wished to sit beside her, he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. He would approach her when she decided to, regardless how much he was currently craving to do so.

"I had been worried for you Pen." Colin said, gazing at her sadly.

"I'm sorry Colin, I was resting and had instructed the maid to not let any visitors in." she lied, remembering the physician's visit.

Colin nodded. "Of course. Are you sure your health has improved now?" He gave her a worried look, not convinced she was healthy.

"Yes." She smiled. "I am. I am feeling as fit as a fiddle. I slept practically the whole day yesterday and…even today I rested a bit thus I am in a healthier condition now." Pen was hopeful she would not faint or feel dizzy etc. tonight.

"That's good to hear." Colin's gaze seemed reassured. Pen nodded and they both remained silent for a while.

Colin was offering her occasional glances.

Pen was remembering his carriage confession when he had knelt before her to confess his feelings. Then later, created such distance between them. She hoped that their newfound encounters would shorten this gap, allowing her to announce to him that they were soon-to-be parents.

Colin looked dashing in his dark blue coat and shirt, his curls were as radiant as they always were, glowing in the road flames as they were riding but then again when was he not looking distinguished. Pen swiftly averted her gaze as Colin's shifted towards hers, so he wouldn't catch her staring at him

After a few minutes they had reached their destination.

As the carriage halted, Colin snapped out of his trance as he was reflecting on manners to earn Pen's forgiveness or more likely, to confess his love for her.

After exiting the carriage, Colin leads her outside.

"We are here." he said in a deep exciting voice, a broad deep smile on his face as he glanced at the throng and back to Pen.

Pen glanced around as well, her eyes beaming. Happy to finally be enjoying some entertainment.

She missed having fun. Penelope grins at Colin who appears pleased to see her feeling thrilled. The crowd were mostly the high class society of Scotland and most of them would probably not recognise them and they would get to spend a night away from judgemental stares and gossip.

Colin gallantly extended his arm and she gladly slipped hers around his with a smile.

The theatre was crowded as they walked in.

After Colin provided their tickets, Pen removed her coat at the entrance.

Colin gawked in amazement at her outfit. She resembled a princess.

She looked stunning in the blue robe, which accentuated the brightness of her honey-coloured complexion. Colin could not stop staring at her, as his jaw fell open.

He scanned her from bottom to top with his gaze and Penelope blushed at the way his eyes examined her. Her captivating blue eyes matched the colour of her dress. Her appearance was breathtaking. Colin's mouth was left agape as he stood still and admired her. "You look…so beautiful, Pen." He smiled at her and inhaled deeply and added "Absolutely elegant." He sighed. deeply "Truly." With a swallow, Colin cleared his head of any lustful ideas. He gazed at her with ardour. Pen let out a smirk at the corner of her lips at him and smiled shyly, unable to articulate any words.

"Shall we go?" Colin gestures her to the seats and Pen nods with a smile.

They took seats in the middle of the theatre and half of them were already occupied. Both glanced around, taking in the audience and the theatre. Penelope had been to one before as it was somewhere men would mostly go and the women would go only when accompanied with their intended or their spouse.

Penelope looks around excitingly, happy to finally experience what it was like to watch a play. She then glances back at Colin, beaming at him, grateful for bringing her there and granting her that opportunity. Colin smiles at her, bending and says "Are you happy to be here?"

"Yes…Yes, I have never watched a play before." She grins at him. Colin was overjoyed to know she was happy and also at the sight of her face. She looked so peaceful. Seeing her excited and happy made him ecstatic.

As Penelope is setting herself comfortably to await the start of the play, Colin notices that she is wearing the bracelet he had given her on their previous encounter and smiles at that. The knowledge that she was donning his gift pleased him. It was hidden before, and he was too preoccupied ogling her attire when she took off her coat.

They were both feeling more comfortable with each other, like friends again, though not that close as lovers or spouses. The awkwardness that loomed above them had finally disappeared and both innerly wished it would never return.

The curtains were drawn and the play started. It was a melodrama that portrayed a couple met on a trip and whose worlds were apart. It was quite funny at the beginning and became more dramatic as it progressed with both of the protagonists' family relationships that came in between the couple as both families did not agree to their union. Both Colin and Penelope got immersed in the story of the drama, laughing and feeling the emotions.

The scene suddenly became very emotional as the mother of the actor left him alone. He then tries to hurt the actress instead of letting her know of the truth of his family being against their union. They both then separated and the actor kneeled onstage as he was shattered when the actress left, a sad music playing in the background. Penelope gasped at the scene and momentarily touched Colin's right arm as she got emotionally immersed in the act and so did he, placing his palm on hers as they both concentrated on what was happening.

Neither realised what they were doing, they were only finding solace in one another.

Eventually, the family accepted their union and the man went to seek forgiveness from the woman. As they are watching this, Colin and Penelope both remember their own predicament and situation.

The protagonists were united as the man proposed kneeling after which they both shared a hug. The scene was quite romantic and emotional as the couple shared a moment. Watching the scene and feeling happy upon the couple's union, Pen leans on Colin, smiling broadly as she slides and entwines her arm in his.

Colin is then cognizant of her movement towards him and turns to look at her. He stares at her, observing her smile. Seeing his wife happy and smiling made his heart warm and there is nothing else in the world that could emerge this feeling within him, now he was undoubtedly certain. Colin smiles tenderly down at her, completely ignoring the scene while Pen is relishing it, grinning at the happy ending.

She then turns to look at Colin to share her joy and catches him staring at her. Their eyes locked for a moment as Colin smiled at her and Penelope returned it with a grin. Colin kept staring at her and his eyes fell upon her lips with the temptation to kiss them. Penelope then remarks the same when she follows his gaze, however, Colin quickly avoids making Pen feel uncomfortable and instead capitalises on her happy expression by looking back at her.

Both were so close to each other as they contemplated each other's gaze until the music in the theatre came at a loud pitch and their concentration was broken.

They both looked back at the play.

Then, when both the families were united together, it was such a touching scene with the emotional music and the audience cheering, a tear dropped on Pen's cheek as she sniffled, smiled and leaned her head back against Colin's shoulder, her arm still slid in his. The idea of a happy ending brought so much soothe to her, mostly after the painful condition she had been in lately.

Having Colin by her side felt like having a friend, a good friend with whom she could share the emotions of this show. Colin was smiling broadly knowing how Penelope was leaning onto him and how she felt comfort in his arms.

Colin's eyes also got a bit teary even if he did not cry. His heart felt fulfilled with the happy ending as well as Pen's solace in his arms.

The show was then over and everyone applauded, including Pen who removed her arms from Colin. Colin was sad the show was over, how he wished Pen would clung to him a little longer.

Being also satisfied with the actors and the show, he also clapped, looking back at Pen and staring at her smiley face. Seeing her so close to him Colin feels as though he can finally confess his love to her now that she is more at ease with him.

As everyone is heading out, Pen looks at Colin as he's staring at her and thanks him for the incredible time she enjoyed.

"Thank you, Colin. I had fun." beaming at him. "No need to thank me Pen, it was my pleasure to bring you here." Pen grins at him, her eyes glowing. "Shall we go?" as much as Colin did not want to go back as this meant they had to part ways he perceived it was late and she was probably weary.

Pen nods and they leave for their carriage.

After getting back in their carriage they both discuss the play. Colin is still sitting opposite her, as usual. Since he wouldn't be with her later on, he tries to strike up a conversation while they're travelling.

"It was fun. I loved the story. It had so many emotions." He says, looking at Pen. At this time it was no more awkward like the previous day, they had opened up and both were feeling comfortable with each other, the atmosphere returned back to when they were previously friends. Colin was innerly smiling at the improvement he had accomplished with his wife. 'Even if she was not yet in his company as his wife, but perhaps soon, his best friend,' he thought.

"It was." Pen was smiling at him. "Do you remember the part where he fell over?" Pen giggled as she recalled the funny scene.

"Yes!" Colin laughed. "He was like falling down in love," Colin joked.

They both shared a laugh together. Colin was back telling his jokes again, knowing Pen would always laugh at them.

Pen then added with a smile, "I also loved the part where they reunited, it was heart wrenching to watch them part ways after such a long journey." Her smile dimmed a little after realising what she had just mentioned.

"Yes, indeed. It was satisfying watching them reconciliate." Colin's voice was low and convincing, yet painful. He then added, making a passing reference to their situation "Had she never forgiven him they would never have reunited but would have remained separated."

Penelope looked at him without responding, sensing he was making a point. Just as she was about to add something, Colin picked up.

"When shall we meet again…Pen?" A sweet smile on his face, asking in a friendly manner.

"We can…" Pen was unable to finish her sentence as the carriage stopped and they were at her house.

Colin's heart began to ache again, realising that he would soon be away from his wife and was unaware until when, since she had not responded yet on their next meeting. This time as well he hopes for a miracle to occur so they would not be apart, so he could remain with her. It was time for him to leave and be by himself once more.

He steps out the carriage and assists her out. As Penelope is getting down, she seems to be pondering on something. Colin looks at her intently and proceeds with his question before she goes. "When can we meet again?" His voice is soft.

She looks up to Colin as she removes her hand from his and says: "How about we discuss it? Would…would you like to come in?" her voice gentle, studying his eyes to assess his reaction.

Not predicting this, Colin was gobsmacked. He had truly accepted leaving to go home alone. Colin grins and muses that perhaps miracles do really happen.

While returning, Penelope couldn't stop wondering if she could ever trust Colin again, the man who was still her husband and the father of their child. She decided to give him a chance, a chance for an opportunity to be trusted again.

Also, she did not want to appear cruel after leaving him by the door the two previous times.

He would not find out about her condition at that time of the night, and he would eventually leave after a while. It was not like she was inviting him to spend the night.

As she decides to ultimately trust him, the first step was to invite him to her abode.

Chapter 11: An apology and a confession

Summary:

Penelope finally invites Colin to her abode and they have a heart to heart conversation.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

As Colin steps into the drawing room on the first floor, he is mesmerised by the colour and design of the space. Her drawing room was a blend of green and blue as if to symbolise both of them. It was not intentional, the house was already coloured in that way when Penelope rented it.

While looking around, Colin feels proud of his wife. So proud of her independence and the house she has been able to afford on her own including her ability to pave the way on her own. The aesthetic of her house was amazing and it felt so comfy.

Penelope is standing behind Colin, watching him as he looks about her home.

He turns to her "Your house is very beautiful, Pen. I am proud of you." A soft smile curving the corner of his lips "I am really proud how far you've reached after so many…struggles." Colin smiled and Penelope beamed back at him.

"Would you like something to drink? Or eat?" Pen knew her husband's large appetite.

"No, thank you, Pen. That's kind of you." He was not hungry right now. He was rather thinking of how to finally confess his love.

Colin could not wait any longer. He made up his mind that tonight was the night he was going to declare his feelings. He had to act quickly in case Penelope might retreat to bed or he might lose the opportunity to.

Before Penelope could direct him to a seat as she raised her hand to guide him, he quickly made a move, facing her squarely. "Pen…There's something I need to tell you. There are quite a few things actually." he sighed out loudly and his brows joined as his eyes looked desperate.

Penelope could tell by the sight of his face and behaviour that he desired to express a serious matter. She wondered whether he discovered about her being with child or something of the like.

He approaches her and takes both her hands in his, looking deeply into her blue eyes and clearing his throat.

"Pen. I have been meaning to talk to you much before you left Mayfair but I never had the chance to tell you, or more probably…I was unable to get the courage to. I was the one to blame actually as instead of approaching you to speak, I just abandoned you."

He inhaled deeply, still gazing in her eyes as Penelope listened to him intently.

"Ever since I met you here, I have been intending to tell you but I was afraid you might get vexed or that you might not even want to listen to me. However, I cannot wait anymore."

Judging by his behaviour, Penelope sensed her husband seeking to talk to her; the man she had fallen in love with for so many years, not the angry Colin she had known before fleeing Mayfair.

He gazed into her eyes softly as he continued.

"I had given a great deal of thought about the fact that you had chosen to write in secret and assume the persona of Lady Whistledown. I understand what it felt like, Pen…what it was like, feeling so alone and ignored by the outside world that you had to isolate yourself and retreat to writing to feel less lonely. I equally realise how you were unable to stop once the society began paying attention to your gossip columns. You had been so disregarded and…"

Colin looked around and swallowed before continuing as his eyes grew wet with tears, shame and regret engulfing him.

"I also realise I have been part of the crowd who had ignored you, Pen…and I am so sorry for not seeing you sooner, for failing to support you when you needed a friend. I realised how proud I am of you, of your bravery, your success and your independence, besides being a clever and strong woman."

Colin gets closer and bends more to gaze in her eyes as he is still grasping her hands.

Penelope felt a warm sensation erupting inside of her from Colin's words, as she stared in his eyes.

"I believe I have been envious of you, Pen. I reckon I was not willing to fully accept myself to be. The way you succeeded and was brave enough to write in spite of criticism, even while being cognizant of the risks it involved, you did not stop." Colin smiled proudly. His eyes crinkled at the edges and the corners of his lips turned upwards tenderly. "I am so proud of you, Pen. So proud that you are my wife, that someone as courageous as y ou could love me."

As he presses her hand he continues, guilt dimming his smile "I'm sorry for how I have hurt you Pen. I know I have thrown some hurtful words at you like… the…entrapment, but believe me I did not mean them, I was absorbed by anger and jealousy. Thankfully I am not of the same mind now, I believe I required some time to comprehend the rationale for your actions."

Pen notices that, in contrast to earlier, when he would only talk about himself and his feelings, he is now speaking exclusively about her.

"There is also something else. I was very foolish in fact to not realise it until after you left, until… I missed you terribly and excruciatingly."

Colin paused before then double-checking his word choice. He smiled softly and carried on.

"I love you, Pen. I love you for the person that you are, for the woman that you were and who you will be. No matter if you are my Penelope or Lady Whistledown. You must know that my love for you has not changed after discovering your alter ego, in fact it has grown even more. I love you unconditionally, Pen, just as you are."

Penelope could not help it and her eyes, her lips, and her spirit all at once smiled. Her eyes sparkled as her cheeks lightly lifted, keeping it from being very apparent. 'Was she really hearing that from him, or was it a dream?'

"I also realised that both of you have always been the same person and that you have always been who you are regardless of the name you used. Reading the letters you wrote to me when I was travelling let me perceive this fact." His tone was gentle and caring.

Colin tenderly cups her face in his palms, smiling at her. "Pen, I will always stand by your side regardless of what you do because I love you for who you are no matter the person you choose to be."

Pen continued to gaze in Colin's eyes, unsure of what to respond as she was still processing all of his confessions.

"I am proud of who you are, Pen." He paused, his eyes serious and slightly teary wandering around, as he got lost in his reflection before resuming. "Look how far you've come, living all by yourself, in your own house by your own means and managing all on your own."

"I recognise there are certain things you had written and done for which I was utterly furious about but I understand the justification behind your action."

Colin then lowers his eyes in a moment of silence, recalling the past, as Penelope continues to fix her gaze on him in awe.

He then lifted his gaze to hers and added, raising his eyebrows "I realise you were simply trying to save me from Marina and you did attempt to warn me about her disloyalty but I was too blinded at the time to notice."

Penelope's eyebrows drawn up in the inner corners as she observed Colin and the warm words he was expressing.

"Pen, sometimes I wonder if things had turned out differently then perhaps we might never have gotten together. I might have remained stuck in a trapped marriage for a lifetime or our family name could have been ruined on several occasions had you not intervened to save us in your column, even if sometimes you did mention unfavourable commentaries but they reflected nothing but plain truth. It dawned on me that you had written derogatory articles about yourself in your column, which projected you to ruin in society."

"Colin…" Pen is unable to utter another word as Colin cuts her to pursue. It was all generating in his mind and he cannot stop at this point. Penelope had intended to state that what she had written was indeed sometimes horrible even if it was the truth. However she concentrated on what Colin wished to convey instead.

"You have always encouraged me to find my purpose Pen, you have always encouraged me towards positivity in life even if my purpose was always in front of me."

A smile spread across his face. "You..."

"You are my purpose Pen. With you by my side, there is nothing I won't be able to achieve and I am certain of it." He added a nod to reassure her.

It was challenging to resist and she let out a hesitant and self-conscious smile. Colin was expressing all the most exquisite compliments she ever heard or ever even dreamed of from anyone and on top of that, it was coming from the man she loves.

She felt cherished since all he was doing was praising her.

"Pen I am incredibly appreciative of your support throughout the years, on my travels and for what not while I…I was unable to stand by your side for even a few days."

His gaze grew concerned and soft as he looked at her carefully before asking "Will you forgive me, Pen?"

Penelope remains silenced, unable to fathom the word to utter in order to break down that stillness; what to say to Colin who was opening up his heart to her? Compared to the previous few days, she feels much more comfortable with him tonight hence doesn't desire to ruin the sensation by pushing things too far.

The idea that Colin might turn out as the same man he was in the past; gentle with loving words at first then angry with sharp cutting words once he decides to, was haunting her. Whilst mentioning Lady Whistledown, Penelope recalls how she had been willing to sacrifice her life's work for him while he had been so unsupportive towards her.

Even then, Penelope wants to reassure Colin that she forgives him and that she loves him as well but the words were not coming to her lips.

She was clueless as to what was happening to her.

She undoubtedly loved Colin sorely and appreciated him for who he is, so why couldn't she express her feelings? Even though her heart was already forming the words, she was unable to speak them since they were not coming out of her mouth. She was unable to articulate them or even let out a sound of her affirmation concerning her forgiveness and undying love.

It then dawned on her what it was, it was her mind preventing her from expressing her true feelings. As she reflected on the situation, Pen realises how once trust is broken it will take time to heal and trust the same person again. Even if her heart wished to trust him yet again but it had already been broken before by the same man and irrespective of her will to trust him like before, it did seem possible.

Her mind and her heart were aligned, with somewhat a hint of concurrence and disagreement both.

Pen had previously trusted Colin with everything; his love confession, his promise to always stand by her. Then as soon as things went south he turned his back on her, she had to brace herself alone, not to forget his accusation that she had trapped him by lying with him when she had absolutely no idea what she was even consenting to.

The hurt that Colin left in her soul had been buried so deep that she was unable to trust him as easily and as deeply this time. Even though he was here before her pouring his heart out, he had done the same once and had pained her subsequently.

Nevertheless, since this time Colin seemed different and a changed man, Penelope decided to trust her husband again.

His previous unsupportiveness was unfortunately holding her back as she repeatedly opened her mouth to speak but was unable to let any words slip out. Her eyes looked compassionate yet helpless as she gazed at Colin in perplexity. She couldn't muster the courage to tell him about her true feelings due to the pain she had endured in the previous events, due to her past feelings.

As she remains wordless, Colin remarks on her hesitancy and comprehends her silence. He had confessed so much in such a short period of time and it might be a lot for her to process or even decide on.

"Pen…you do not have to say anything right now nor do you have to concur with my affirmations. It's just enough that you allowed me to express myself, Pen."

"I understand if you do not share my feelings or require time. I will wait for you until you are read to share your thoughts with me." Since they were just becoming close as best friends, he doesn't attempt to push things too far.

He kissed her hands after taking them back in his. "I will wait for you, Pen."

Pen's eyes gleamed as Colin looked into them and spoke so lovingly to her. Her heart felt so warm and complete. She so desired to hold onto him but discerned that more time required.

Penelope smiles at Colin silently as their eyes remain locked, exchanging messages.

"It is late now, I will go." He cups her face with his right hand letting out a bright smile. "Take care, Pen." Her heart sank as she watched him walk away.

He went halfway before stopping and turning back. Pen's heart stops as he looks back at her wondering what more he would say to stun her as he appears about to say something.

"Can I come to visit you tomorrow?"

Pen immediately nodded, giving him a soft smile, eager to see him again. "Yes, of course." Colin smiled and pressed his lips, the usual grimace he does when he's so happy to be with Pen and then he left.

Penelope was in shock over what had transpired.

No matter her desire to express her heart's feelings to her husband, she failed to.

The past incidents had traumatised her so much that she was unable to. Colin finding out, his bitterness, her loneliness and discovering being with child then relocating to a new home. She needed time to take in all of his confessions and obviously time to deduce whether he would not return to his previous self again.

'What if Colin ended up the way he did the previous time, a resentful man?' Minutes after Colin had left, Penelope stood still, consumed in her own thoughts.

Colin was feeling optimistic. He had finally left off his chest all that he had been feeling of her.

As he rode back home, he was smiling, he felt relieved, though a part of him was scared of the response he might get from his wife. He was not expecting her to run away again as he had not revealed anything alarming but rather just poured out his heart.

'Even if she took time to, hopefully Penelope will return his feelings.' he thought.

Gladly he was meeting her the very next day and he would not have to wait for more. Colin was ecstatic of the night that had just passed; he spent a wonderful night at the theatre with Penelope who had clung to him like before, just like she would back in Mayfair. She had also been so comfortable as to even invite him to her home. Colin felt like it was another step to their marital relationship. This time, he will not mess up since he had learned from his past lessons and is more mature now after experiencing the pain of being apart from his soulmate, the love of his life.

Smiling, Colin walked to his bedchamber as he proceeded to sit on his balcony to write, but this time it was for his own, it was more like a memory of the remembrance of the evening; the theatre with Penelope and his confessions. The only sound in the air at that moment was that of his feather pen as he scribbled in his travel diary and the waves crashing from afar.

While recalling tonight's events, he flashed back to how lovely Penelope had looked. She had a princess-like appearance.

As Colin's mind wandered to Penelope's angel-like visage and her vivid blue eyes, Colin developed another wish in his heart, another wish in his small family; to have a beautiful baby girl just like Penelope. Colin was dreaming of a family with Penelope and it was not the first time he did so.

Even though he's had them before but presently he was feeling even more hopeful. His heart felt warm as he inhaled deeply the fresh salty breeze of the horizon, dreaming of his small family in the dark of night while he looked up at the blanket of stars that stretched to infinity.

All he had to do was wait for his wife's answer and her acceptance.

Sitting in her drawing room post Colin's departure that night, Penelope remained flabbergasted by Colin's affirmations of his understanding of her identity as Lady Whistledown and his love declaration which was so deep and romantic. Colin's confessions seemed quite honest, moreover he did not demand any expectations from her.

He just poured out his heart to her and left.

While inviting him to her house her intention was that of a brief extraneous chat but this had exceeded what she predicted that she remained silent throughout and it became a one-sided conversation.

Undeniably she had to give him a response but what to say in response confounded her.

Even though she was confident of her love and desire for Colin, she had been unable to express that and was convinced she would not be able to tell him that the following day either.

She definitely needed some time and Colin had already clarified his comprehension of the same.

To be assured he wasn't going to revert to his previous demeanour, she required more time.

Surely if he proved that she would be more than happy to reunite with him and resume their lives together. Her mouth curved into a smile as she anticipated a bright future together with Colin and their child and perhaps more offspring in the future.

She wonders when the time would finally arrive for her to announce Colin that she's with child because one day or another he will find out if he never leaves her to return back and she was positive that Colin would never leave, not without her.

As she muses of her family of three, happy and together just like in her dreams, Penelope tries not to get her hopes too high so she would not be disappointed later.

Although she was reluctant to inform him of her condition, Penelope aspires this time everything will end well. A happy ending was what she was aiming for though she had no idea how the future events would unfold but she was very hopeful.

Still arguing with her thoughts and still very much awake, Pen realised that Colin discovered her identity as Lady Whistledown because he had followed her that night since he cared for her, he was looking out for her.

Of course, he had been cruel upon finding out but he had loved her, this is why he had noticed she was missing at the ball. No one else had cared to remark where she was when she would snuck away from balls and society gatherings; not even her mother cared until she discovered she was LW. Colin was searching for her and upon noticing her absence he had hence followed her. He probably desired her by his side at all times.

She continued fighting in her thoughts for some minutes about when to tell Colin and on the pros and cons of their relationship before retreating to bed. It was a bit late and it was not healthy for her to stay awake until too late. Her enthusiasm was genuinely extreme to see Colin the following day. Penelope realised that the excitement and eagerness to meet her husband this time was different as she was very much looking forward to it.

The next day, Colin arrived on his visit just after breakfast and had brought flowers for her. Penelope is delighted as she perceives Colin in her drawing room with a bouquet of flowers. They both smiled in simultaneously and he stood up to give her the flowers as he kissed her hand.

Both felt like it was back to their courting days. Colin reminisces about his failure of courtship as he had been so eager to wed her and their marriage was one that was rushed as he had taken too much time to confess his feelings and propose. He was glad he had the opportunity to do so now and it was also never late to bring her some flowers. Better late than never.

In addition to being elated at his sight, Pen was pleased that he brought her flowers as though she was some maiden which was being courted. Thankfully there was no chaperone and they could be alone, even if it was only to talk.

"Hello, Pen. How have you been?" Colin asked, his blue eyes gazing deeply in hers.

"I've been well, Colin." Her eyes lit up as she responded back. A tingling sensation was circulating through both of them. Glistening eyes met as they gazed into each others'.

They both then settled down on the couch side by side. Without hesitation, Colin struck up the conversation, eager to find out Penelope's response to what he had said but mostly to add to it.

"I have been thinking about everything I told you yesterday and it still does not seem enough, Pen." He was shaking his head in disagreement.

He approaches her and takes her hand. "You cannot believe how sorry I am for hurting you so much that you had to flee and come here…" His eyes looked painful and desperate as if filled with regret.

Penelope attempts to dissuade Colin since she doesn't believe he needs to apologise further. Recognising how desperate and sincere he seemed, she wanted to persuade him that somewhat she was in favour of his confessions.

Agreed she had wanted to unleash on him for all the way he had treated her but now was not the time and he was being so gentle that any negative behaviour towards him would seem cruel. She would prefer to have a conversation with him at a later time, when they could discuss the dilemma they underwent and her urge to escape, including her being with child.

It will rather be a discussion than an argument as Colin seems so gentle, they'll be able to talk it through. Now was not the time for that heated conversation.

Since she was favourable of his feelings for believing and loving her thus it was crucial for Colin to be persuaded of the same.

"Colin…" She places her other hand on his. "You do not have to apologise further. I believe you. I acknowledge how angry you had been and that you now understand the reason I chose to be Whistledown and why I did what I did."

She lowers her eyes before continuing. "I am glad that you accept me to be Whistledown Colin but…" Colin got worried when Penelope uttered that 'but' as his heart skipped a beat, wondering if Penelope was going to say something to distance herself from him once more or did not accept his feelings.

"I will need some time to give you an answer if it is alright with you. I am not saying that I do not believe you but I will just need some time… do you think you can wait?" Penelope spoke slowly and softly, but she made sure Colin understood every word by emphasising each one.

Colin let out a soft reassured smile. "Pen, I will wait for you a lifetime if I have to."

Returning the smile, Pen let out a weak breath, touched by his words. She knew Colin was always this romantic and adorable since they've been together but his words were making her fly again. His heartfelt words caused her body to relax. She nodded in agreement as her cheeks blushed a little.

They spent the morning and the afternoon together before Colin ultimately departed, after asking Penelope if she wished to go out but she had preferred to rest as she had already been out the previous day.

Colin visited Penelope the following three days, bringing her flowers as they conversed in her drawing room. She had cookies and other pastries prepared specially for him as she knew how much he loved to eat. Thankfully she did not faint or have an upset stomach during those moments as he had requested Colin to come after breakfast, more likely after her morning sickness.

During their conversations, Penelope had realised that Colin does not ask her to return to Mayfair with him, he just seemed satisfied being there with her.

After noting that Penelope had only one maid Colin had offered to hire an additional staff member however Pen did not agree thinking that the new maid would discover her condition and she also did not want to burden him. If they will be together in the near future, she would not stop him from doing so but for now she was content. Colin had insisted but she refused and he understood.

Colin mentions his dream of her drifting away from him and subsequently even after he found her at that hotel she still went away again; he shares his nightmares with her.

Pen worries if she is getting his hopes high and should they still not reunite once he finds out she is with child or for the fact that he will be angry after learning she had hidden this from him for so long.

The last time he had been so furious when he discovered she'd been keeping something from him and this time her truth concerned him as well.

They had come such a long way that she was eager to announce the news of him becoming a father, in a few weeks perhaps and before her belly would start showing hopefully. It was wiser to wait before telling him in case something unforeseen occurred.

It wouldn't be prudent to risk everything now. She had gone through a great deal to escape Mayfair and settle down here with a house and trustworthy neighbours. Some more time would not hurt in case Colin goes back to his former conduct.

She was ready to announce him once he had proven to be trustworthy and supportive.

Penelope's maid already knew Colin back from Mayfair but she was informed to not disclose to Colin of her condition until Penelope decides to do so herself.

On the fourth consecutive day, they were both feeling as their old self, as the best friends they had once been. They had been joking, laughing and reminiscing about old good times together for the past few days.

"Colin, don't you miss your family?" She remembers that she had fled but Colin came to her pursuit, surely his mother and siblings were missing him and he knew Colin so well, he loved being around his family as he would return from his travels only to be among them. Surely he missed them.

"You are my family, Pen." Colin smiled at her, his voice soothing and assuring.

His words warmed her heart, she smiled as the corners of her eyes crinkled. She was getting more convinced that he would be pleased to hear she was with child. Only some more days now and she would announce the news upon one of his visits. Her smile grew larger as she visualised Colin embracing her and her child and them becoming a happy family.

"Pen. There was something I had thought of for a very long time and I wonder if you would agree." Colin approached her and Pen was scared that he was going to ask her to go back with him. 'What could he be asking?'

Colin takes one of her hands in his, his blue eyes shining brighter like when he was being kind, exactly as she had formerly described them. "Pen, I realise how you have been very brave in your occupation as a writer, but also how clever and bright you are and I am proud to have someone like you as my wife."

Before resuming, he gave her a comforting smile.

"You do know that I have been scribbling for some time and I have been looking forward to publishing the entries of my journal." Since he was so physically close to her, she could not help but ogle momentarily at his lips, the lips she had so relished on in the past, it was so pink and plump prior to kissing her and becoming swollen. Then she swiftly shifted her gaze back to his eyes to focus on what he was saying but oh my god even his eyes were tempting her, it was staring right at hers. Penelope attempted to exert self-control.

Hopefully Colin did not notice her titillating distraction.

He leaned and collected her other hand in his as Pen kept gazing in his eyes, wondering what his query was. "I would very much like you to be my editor. I realise now why you had asked me this the night before I found out about your secret, you had wished to help me but at that time I did not realise how talented you are. Now that I'm cognizant, I would be very glad if you could be part of my journals' publication."

Colin studied her eyes as she was taking her time to respond. He was scared she might not accept even if it did not make sense why she would not, he was just being paranoid.

Penelope did not just believe what she just heard. Colin asking her to be his editor. 'Her?' She had previously wanted to assist him, but she hadn't informed him about her skills, so now that he came to know, he had requested her to do so. This was such a touching gesture and she was overjoyed that Colin had thought so highly of her abilities.

She pressed his hands which were holding hers and replied. "Colin, I will be more than happy to be your editor. Thank you for believing in me." She offered him a grin. Colin returned it, relieved and delighted that she had accepted his proposal.

Even if she did not have that much time and might obtain a job soon and would additionally have very little with the baby coming, she was willing to do her best for her husband. He had asked so gently with his sweet face, how could she refuse him that?

That afternoon Penelope had to visit the market to buy some food and stuff and Colin accompanied her. Even if he was not content that she had to handle these on her own and had again proposed to hire someone to buy her stuff., he willingly went along with her as he did not want to miss any opportunities to spend time with her.

They have a good time as Penelope gives Colin shopping tips since he's not used to it, herself having learned from her maid and Mary. On the way back Penelope notices William; Mary's brother who would help them carry their groceries bags back home.

When William greeted and conversed with Penelope, Colin grew very jealous, wondering who he was and how casually he was talking to her and patted her shoulder before leaving.

Willam was someone very friendly with anyone he met and had no adverse intentions. He had asked Penelope if she required help for her bags as she usually did, and she refused this time, assuring William that she would be able to manage when she realised that she was with Colin as he was already helping her, carrying her groceries bags.

Besides she didn't also want Colin to grow jealous of William even if he already appeared to be.

There was no need to introduce them with the piercing looks Colin was throwing at him and William was not someone curious or meddlesome, he was jovial and friendly and as long as Penelope was being safe he would not feel the need to meddle.

Though he was very good looking with a well-built figure and dream face with light brown eyes which were currently shining in the sunlight. Some women would throw themselves at him but he definitely had no intention of marriage, having suffered a harsh heartbreak in the past. He retreated to his business and looked after his sister and nephew while wishing for nothing more.

William smiled at them or more likely at Penelope with a very large warm smile indeed and went back to his own business and Colin's face grew pale and eyes full of envy looking back at how Penelope smiled back at William. 'Who was that man and why was his Penelope smiling so happily at him?' As soon as Penelope looked at Colin she noticed his curious envious look.

Penelope was simply grateful for William's support and their relationship was characterised by nothing else than mutual compassion.

As soon as William disappeared within the crowd Colin did not waste a second to inquire about this gentleman they just met. "Umm who is he?" with a serious and concerned tone.

"Oh, that's Mary's brother, William. I forgot to tell you about him. He occasionally helps us to carry back our bags when they are too heavy as he has his own transportation for his business. He is very kind and very helpful, he is always there for us."

"Hmmm." Colin was more jealous with how friendly he was with his wife and the fact that he was in her surrounding.

"Is he that friendly with every woman he meets?" He asked in a deep voice full of jealousy, remembering the visuals of how he touched her shoulder and her smiling back at him. Gladly he was here now even though he was a bit relieved she had some help after all before he came along.

Penelope had already mentioned Mary to Colin. She had to. Mary was such a good friend and she was proud to have her during good and bad times both. Colin had been glad that she had obtained a good friend and was not totally alone.

Penelope laughs at Colin's remark "Yes. William is friendly with everyone. He has no malice in his heart, he just enjoys helping others and is gregarious. I am lucky to have him around." Penelope's voice sounded rather cheerful as she smiled, remembering how she was indeed fortunate to be surrounded by supportive folks including his sister.

Colin couldn't help but remember the memory of him touching her and her smiling back at him; the image was playing on repeat in his head but he tried not to become upset over it. 'It was nothing too exaggerated. Was it?' He thought.

'Lucky to have him…' 'Huh!' He rolled his eyes and gave a side look to the way William went as the corners of his mouth pointed downwards and suddenly realised his behaviour and tried to gather himself to stop having thoughts of jealousy.

"Of course…" He nodded though he was internally disagreeing.

With Colin by her side, helping her, Pen was feeling wonderful. She felt like she was falling in love with him all over again as she kept staring at him when he was carrying her stuff in her house and the sight of him being all jealous over William. Of course she had noticed that! How could she not? Colin was being too obvious.

As they were placing their bags on the kitchen table after heading back home with her groceries, Pen informed Colin that Mary would visit her that night and she wished for both of them to meet.

Pen had hoped her closest friend would meet her husband, the two most important persons of her life right now.

After organising their groceries and dining, they relaxed in the drawing room when Mary arrived. Colin was tired and as much as he did not wish to leave, he greeted Mary, introduced themselves following a brief chat and excused himself.

Before getting too far, Colin heard Mary complimenting Penelope on her mood as her friend looked very jovial in comparison to before she had met Colin.

"You look very happy these days Penelope, always with a large smile, your eyes shining and oh my god you are glowing, look at you! Surely something…or someone is the reason for that sudden constant happiness." Mary knew exactly who she was referring to without intentionally speaking loud. She teased Penelope with a smirk and lifted her eyebrows.

Penelope offered her a larger smile with a giggle and Colin smiled heartedly as he overheard Mary's comment and Penelope's giggle while descending the stairs. He was sure he was the reason behind, undoubtedly it was him.

Mary stayed for a while and they chatted.

Penelope the following day obtains a response to her applications and is offered a job of article writing at the far away local press. That made her thrilled. She immediately shares the news with Mary who had been encouraging her positively and decides to inform Colin when he will come to visit her.

Colin had informed her he would not visit that day due to some urgent work; he had to make arrangements for his prolonged stay at the hotel he was staying and also needed to send a letter home as it had been quite a while he did. Penelope had something special for dinner to celebrate as she missed Colin's presence deeply as much as he did hers.

Unfortunately, the day after, Pen falls sick. Thankfully, it was not too alarming but just a slight fever and a very upset stomach. The maid reassured her that it was likely caused by changes in her body and that having a fever was typical under those circumstances.

When Colin comes to visit her in the afternoon he finds out of her sickness by her maid. He had wanted to call the physician but the maid had reassured him of having done the deed already. Colin stayed by Penelope's side in her bedchamber while she slept, completely unaware of his presence.

He appeared immensely worried and felt guilty for not visiting her the day before, the worriedness was equally shared by the maid. However she was rather afraid he would discover her condition but could not stop him from seeing her as she slept, he just wanted to see her after all.

The physician finally arrives and the maid immediately requests Colin wait outside the bedchamber, even if Colin kept on insisting to be present during the consultation but the maid mentioned that Pen would be upset and would not appreciate his presence, he kept insisting but the maid persisted.

Colin felt helpless and powerless to not be present even while being her husband, involuntarily stepping outside to not delay the physician and the consultation. He was too preoccupied about her health to notice the maid mentioning Pen's sentiment about his presence.

After consulting Penelope, the physician is warned by the maid to not disclose anything to Colin. He then prescribes some healing herbs which he proceeds to give to Colin to buy, indicating that they were for her recovery just as Colin inquired what might be done to aid in her healing as soon as her door opened. The cause of her fever was the same as the maid had already surmised.

Doubting nothing, he proceeds to buy the herbs even though it took him some time as they were not all found in the nearest shop.

During Colin's absence, Penelope woke up completely oblivious of Colin's prior presence. The maid was too busy to inform her, preparing the available ingredients for her concoction. When he returns with the herbs, the maid rushed to serve it to her alone in her bedchamber, informing Colin that she had to change Penelope's clothes. Penelope had vomited and needed to change her dress.

Colin nods and impatiently waits outside, anxious to see her again.

When the maid comes out of her bedchamber after what seemed like an eternity according to Colin, Penelope had fallen asleep again. The physician had mentioned that she required sleep to recover and the herbs healed also as a soporific; they apparently started working.

As much as Colin felt dejected for not obtaining the chance to talk to her, he was more concerned with her health and wished for her to get well. He plainly refused to return home when the maid requested him to but rather stayed by her side all night. Penelope slept like a baby, not once waking up as Colin had anticipated.

As dawn drew near, the maid had to change Penelope's dress again since her fever had gone down and her clothing were all wet, the physician had instructed her to do so. She had again requested Colin to leave, he was ashamed of not being able to assist her as her husband.

While waiting in the drawing room, he thought of how Penelope was suffering and how helpless he was. A tear escaped his eyes reflecting on the current situation, which the maid noticed. Since Penelope had been completely ignorant of Colin's presence, the maid realised she needed to inform Pen about him.

While Colin had gone to buy the herbs the previous day, Mary had come to visit and discovered that Penelope was sick.

The morning she was offered the job she had received another letter in the afternoon from the press mentioning the requirement of her first article.

It was written already since she had had time as Colin didn't visit but she would be unfit to deliver them, the location was quite far. She had hoped to inform Colin about it knowing he would readily agree since she was sick but had not seen him; unaware of his visit that day.

Penelope had then requested Mary to send her writing via post, aware that her maid would not be able to do so, being currently occupied taking care of her. Mary, being the good friend that she was, instantly accepted and Penelope showed her the papers she had to collect the following day. A light editing was required before the submission, she finalised them and retreated to her bedchamber before Colin arrived back with the herbs.

However, Mary had to urgently accompany her son to the market today and she visited Pen's very early in the morning to inform her and to find a solution together but learned that Penelope was sleeping.

She was pacing about the house anxiously and stumbled upon Colin in the drawing room. She then requested him for the task and Colin agreed even though he instead wished to be beside Pen's when she would wake up.

After proceeding to her small study beside her drawing room, he started to look for her articles as Mary instructed.

Colin was inside her study to collect the papers, still figuring out the articles that needed to be submitted. Mary had described a stack of four parchments on the study desk but he was seeing other papers too. He was attempting to identify the appropriate parchments.

After awakening and feeling somewhat better and the maid informing her of Colin's presence, Pen went looking for him in the drawing room to chat a bit with him but failed to find him there. She was heading to the kitchen with a big smile imagining perhaps he might be hungry, the hungry man he always was when she hears a sound coming from her study and proceeds there instead.

Upon peeking in the room, she finds Colin rummaging into her papers, looking for something frantically.What she was witnessing perplexed her; 'what was Colin doing in her study and why was he searching through her papers?' 'What could this mean?' 'Was he suspicious that she was writing gossip columns here?' 'Did he not trust her?'

"Colin…" She said, her voice neither loud nor low. Colin panicked upon hearing her voice, assuming she was still asleep or simply upon hearing a sound since he was deeply concentrated.

"Pen. You woke up. I thought you were still asleep. Are you feeling better?" He walked slightly toward her, staying close to the desk.

"I am feeling better Colin…but what are you doing here?"

Upon searching through her papers, Colin stumbled upon some of her gossip papers that Penelope had brought with her and had recently used for inspiration for her articles, being so long that she had written.

She notices them in his hands and deliriously assumes that he was doubting her and did not trust her but was rather inspecting her stuff to check whether she was once again acting as a gossip writer.

The parchments Colin was holding were perplexing to him; he picked those up while figuring the articles Mary had referenced to.

"I…" He was confused himself. He took a look at the paper to see what it contained before replying to Pen. "I…" He tried to respond but was himself ignorant of the papers he was holding.

Judging by his behaviour and silence, Penelope assumed he had been caught red handed in the act.

"Really Colin? Again?" Her voice was starting to get loud. Colin looked at her in bewilderment.

"I thought you trusted me." she added with a pain in her tone.

"It's not been very long since I started trusting you again. Do you realise how difficult this has been? And yet…"

She let out a shaky breath.

"Pen, you misunderstand…" Colin was unable to realise what she was saying and how the situation got so delicate to begin with. He was trying to find the right words to explain himself but was so confused where to begin. "I…ummm… I'm not…" Every circumstance came to his mind as he recalled the reason. He suddenly stopped, surprisingly unable at a loss for words.

Penelope waited for him but seeing how he was unable to defend himself, she became even more convinced of his guilt.

She gets really irate. She looks down and shakes her head slowly. "You know, I never realised how much you could not trust me because I trusted you so much, there was a time I could have trusted you more than myself until I realised how you never saw me."

Colin gave her a startled expression while his jaw was hanging open in disbelief.

"I now realise I cannot trust you, not even a little bit, not even at all. How could you come snooping in? You still do not believe in me? You still believe I am writing gossip columns and you still disagree with it, right Colin?"

"Pen.." Colin desperately tried to justify himself but Pen cut him.

She was overwhelmed and with her sickness still affecting her along with her emotions getting on top for being with child, she was unable to restrain her emotions.

She took all of it out on Colin.

"Do you know that all I tried to do was to protect you with my column? How difficult it had been to hide it from everyone and mostly from you?" Her voice grew louder and louder still maintaining a respectful level, as she unleashed all the feelings buried deep within her from all the hurt and hurdles she had encountered.

Colin was taken aback by her outburst and how she was shouting at him. He stood still, his eyes full of astonishment and sorrow as he listened to her scathing insinuations.

"I know how you were…are furious that I did not inform you about Marina's situation and everything but all I did Colin was to protect you...you and your family. Do you remember how I tried to warn you about her but you felt like you knew better? I never exposed her truth to have you with me because at that time I already accepted that you would never be mine, that you would never even look at me that way. All I did was to protect you against the fraud of a marriage."

"Do you even know how difficult it was for me to make this decision to flee home, the hometown where I lived all my life because I was totally unable to see the treacherous Penelope through your eyes, the wicked Penelope that you always saw when you looked at me. Do you know how difficult it was to even ask for an annulment from you?"

She paused, took a deep breath as she looked to the side then back at him and continued, her voice lower, trembling. "I have always loved you Colin. Ever since I found out what love was like, it was you I only loved, only you. I never even thought about anyone else. You were always the one I was looking forward to a future with and yet…" Pen inhaled deeply and carried on.

"I don't believe you ever even loved me otherwise you would not be searching through my belongings attempting to find out what I am doing, suspecting me like this instead of trusting me. After all this time, after all we went through, I still feel I am not enough for you."

Colin's mouth was left agape, unable to let out any words, dumbfounded with everything she was saying.

"Do you remember on the day of our engagement party Colin, how you stated you would never take a day with me for granted and yet here you are." She nodded sarcastically.

"Do you know how alone I felt in that house? I felt more alone than when I was by myself in my mother's house before marrying you. I was yearning for you to talk to me, to accompany me for at least one meal, Colin. Did you ever even care for me?"

Her voice lowered to a whisper. "The irony is that I always choose to forgive you. Always. I am so stupid because you don't even believe in me."

"Why do you always break my heart Colin? Why is it hard for you to trust me?"

She lets out a furious breath lowering her head and adds "This time I will not forgive you, Colin." Penelope lifted her head to look back at him in despair, her voice low and painful while Colin still stared at her in bafflement and shock. "Not this time Colin."

He is unable to witness more of Pen's accusations towards him and leaves the room and her house right away. Colin looks around panicky as his eyes try to search for an escape. He placed the parchments in his hand on the wooden desk beside him in the study and left hurriedly, his eyes welled up with tears from the pain he was feeling. "Umm…Excuse me."

Tears kept rolling down his cheeks on the way back as he kept thinking over all that she said.

Colin feels convinced that Penelope doesn't trust him and fears they might never reunite.

Notes:

I know she had said a lot, but she needed to get that out. These emotions had been tormenting her inside for too long she had to unleash them and furthermore she's also having deep feelings since she is pregnant and was still feeling a bit low due to being recently sick. Now that she has freed herself, she'll recognise Colin's love and inform him about the child.

Chapter 12: No more grudges

Summary:

Penelope finds out the truth and realises that Colin was not at fault, and decides to take a wiser step to save their relationship.

Notes:

I know how many of you are waiting for that reunion and trust me, it is by the door ;)

Enjoy the new chapter :)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

As soon as Colin left, Penelope burst into tears. The reality of what just happened dawned on her as she moreover kept thinking of the past trauma she had already lived through, as if that was not enough.

She found it hard to believe what had transpired.

Following all the past events with Colin. She truly believed that he loved her. Her heart was crushed, and she felt shattered.

As Penelope keeps sobbing with her back against the door frame, she gradually collapses on the floor, crying her heart out uncontrollably. Her maid stumbles upon her on the floor crying by the door upon not finding her in her bed chambers when she goes to check on her mistress.

Upon seeing her state, she is shocked and right away asks Penelope about the matter. However Pen was unable to respond and when she did, she was whimpering through her quavering voice and it was incomprehensible to the maid.

When she finally gathered herself, she gave an account of what had occurred.

Penelope conveyed the details of how Colin acted in a way that made her feel as though he would never trust her; she was let down by his betrayal of her confidence. She told her that even after all this time, he had not grown to trust her, and that she had realised everything was over. In a tremulous voice as she kept on bawling, Penelope told her narrative, shortly after the maid had placed her down on a sofa after realising that it was unsafe for her to remain on the ground given her state.

The maid presumed it to be a misunderstanding because she had witnessed how Colin was by her side all the time and the maid had only informed Penelope of Colin's presence in her drawing room in the morning, she was completely unaware of his presence the eve and was the one who went to buy the herbs the previous day. Penelope did not give it much thought and had assumed it was her maid, William or Mary that had bought it.

The maid then dispelled her misconception that her husband had been by her side throughout the whole night and was present the day before as well.

"He did not leave your side for a minute, even if he might have contracted the fever with you but he still stuck by you all night Ma'am. I attempted to persuade him to go home so he wouldn't discover you were with child or to rest but he did not agree. I believe he did not even sleep well as he kept an eye on you all night since each time I would check on you I would find him awake."

"He even went to buy the herbs that helped you to heal during the night and he was waiting for you outside while I changed you but unfortunately you were already asleep by the time I had finished and he seemed really dejected he had missed the opportunity to speak with you."

"What?!" Penelope stared at her with eyes wide open, flabbergasted. "What are you saying?"

Penelope was still trying to digest the information, very much stunned, 'so it means Colin had been there the whole time and did not just specifically come by this morning to spy on her', she thought. Her musing wavered as the maid went on.

"Mr Bridgerton even cried upon seeing your condition this morning. Some moments before you had woken up, I noticed a solemn tear falling down his cheek while in the drawing room, waiting for you to wake up."

Penelope then attempted to reenact the incident in her mind's eye in an attempt to comprehend why Colin was in her study going through her papers, mostly the gossipy ones she had brought back from Mayfair.

"But then…" unable to put that in words as she mutters. "...then why." She kept searching inside her head but she was still feeling a little off, making it difficult for her to think straight.. "If he…if he was in the drawing room…then why…why the study…" As she kept on persisting, Penelope started feeling lightheaded and pressed her palm on her temple.

Noticing that, the maid promptly took her to her bedchamber to rest, clearly stipulating her to not get out of bed until absolutely necessary.

As Penelope kept on pondering to make sense of the happenings with Colin and unwillingly fell asleep without having solved her confusion.

Early in the afternoon Mary came to visit Penelope, to inquire about her health and discuss the task that she had taken responsibility for. Upon learning that Penelope was asleep she decided to wait for a while until she was awake or otherwise come back at a later time if she did not.

Mary picked up a newspaper to read while waiting.

Nearly thirty minutes later, Penelope woke up. Upon rousing, the issues of the morning immediately came back to her mind as her sleep faded away. That made her anxious and she was unable to stay idle.

In order to comprehend the precise scenario, she needed to either ask the maid once more what had actually transpired or attempt to ponder on the previous circumstance to gain more sense. Something was amiss and did not add up.

Before heading downstairs to the maid's, Penelope stumbled on Mary in her drawing room, unaware of her presence. "Mary!" She smiled at her good friend, a wave of warmth and relief washing over her. Mary looked up at her from the practically final pages of the newspaper she was going to conclude.

"What a pleasure to see you here!" Penelope exclaimed.

Mary returned a smile. "Oh, Penelope! You are finally awake, I was about to finish this paper and leave."

Penelope came to sit beside her. Mary always lifted her spirits. "How are you feeling now dear?" Mary offered her a tender smile.

"I am feeling much better, Mary." Pen chuckled "I slept like a baby since yesterday and I believe this is what helped me to recover. I was already a bit better this morning but I feel great right now."

They both grin. "That is so good to hear, Penelope. I am so glad that your health has improved."

"How about you? How's everything going on? It's been so long since I have seen John, how is he doing?" Penelope tilts her head, keenly ready to listen to her friend.

"Oh, he's doing alright, we went to the market this morning and he's thrilled with what we bought. In fact I visited you additionally to apologise for what had happened, it was because of John that I was unable to go. There's this project he is working on at school and he needed some supplies. "

Penelope gave her a bewildered look.

"Unable to go where?" her tone clearly conveys her perplexity.

Mary stared at her, puzzled in turn. "Oh…did Colin not tell you?"

Penelope's smile faded and her expression grew serious. "Colin?" She blinked in confusion. "Tell me what?"

"Oh. I assumed you were aware, Penelope." Mary gave her a careful look, convinced of Penelope's unawareness of her encounter with Colin in the morning.

Mary carefully explained everything to Penelope; of her urgent rush to the market hence the inability to post her papers where she therefore requested Colin to do the same upon stumbling on him in the drawing room by giving him the detailed instructions to do so.

As Penelope is intently listening to Mary, her face turned from seriousness to shock, straightening with her eyes widening in disbelief as her jaw dropped, as though a sudden jolt of electricity had coursed through her veins. "What are you saying Mary? You mean Colin was in the study simply because he was trying to help..."

Her tone dropped as she was uttering each word gradually in astonishment, her eyes simultaneously darting about the room while trying to process the information she just obtained.

"Mary!" Penelope abruptly got to her feet, at the realisation of what had actually occurred.

With all that had transpired with her sickness and Colin, she had forgotten about the task she had requested Mary to accomplish.

Now with the information she acquired, she could not help but feel guilty about her reaction to Colin. Standing up, she felt a pang in her heart as if someone had just stabbed her heart, so deep was the agony she was feeling over how she had treated Colin when it should have been the contrary. The image of him leaving right away made sense how hurt he must have been.

She placed her hands over her stomach. Guilt stole the air from her lungs, leaving her breathless.

"Mary…I need to go." Penelope tells her with a gasp. Undeniably, she had to go and apologise to Colin. "What's wrong Penelope?" Mary looked at her anxiously as Penelope leaped from her seat. "Are you alright?"

"Wait. So you weren't able to deliver the articles?" Her voice is shaking as she's still processing the facts she had just learned.

"No. I could not, this is why I asked Colin. Did he not deliver them?"

"I apologise Mary, I must go. I have made an awful mistake and I need to rectify it immediately." Mary sprang to her feet swiftly, unable to comprehend the situation. Penelope places her hand on her friend's to express her gratitude for clearing the immense misunderstanding between her and Colin.

"What is it Penelope, are you well? Do you need my help?" Mary is anxious for her friend.

"No, I have to do this myself. Thank you a lot Mary. I will meet you afterwards and explain, for now I have to hurry." Mary nodded in comprehension even if she does not totally understand the scenario, she assumes it concerned a personal matter and unquestionably urgent.

As much as Pen desired to tell her, it was quite a private subject and she couldn't inform her why she had unleashed herself on Colin without also explaining the reason. Also, him searching through her papers would redirect to the facts that she was an anonymous gossip writer in her previous life for which she doubted him of spying.

Perhaps she could give her a different explanation, but now her focus was on Colin. It was crucial to speak with him and offer her sincere apologies as quickly as possible.

'Hopefully he would still be there and had not been on the way back to Mayfair and would moreover be willing to listen to her' she thought.

Penelope posthaste summoned her maid and got ready to meet Colin after grabbing a quick bite. There was no time to waste and she was so glad she was feeling much better, in the hope that she won't feel sick on the way. Anyhow, it was vital to go to Colin and apologise to him. Grabbing the piece of parchment Colin had handed her on their first encounter in Scotland hoping that his address will remain the same, she bid Mary goodbye and rushed to her carriage.

At her destination, Penelope approached the front desk to inquire about him, reluctantly mentioning being his wife since the hotel was not willing to provide her access. They gave her his room number after she practically begged them for it. The maid accompanies her to his door and Penelope gives her a worried glance before knocking on the door as her maid offers her an encouraging nod.

Colin opened the door in response to her knock appearing rather surprised. "Penelope. What are you doing here?" He sounded shocked rather than angry.

Earlier that day, Colin arrived at his hotel broken-hearted, back from Pen's place. The hurt in his heart escalated from a dull throb to burning, glaring pain. The distasteful words that Penelope had just thrown on him still seemed unimaginable while all he wanted to do was help. Entering his bedchamber, he instantaneously retreated to his bed. All the pain to come this far for things to end as such.

Colin felt utterly bewildered.

Still in the same position as when he arrived, on his back while staring at the ceiling, Colin stayed in bed until the afternoon as he pondered over what had happened and why Pen had reacted so harshly with him. 'Perhaps she had been sick and did not realise what she was thinking or perhaps there was another reason behind it nonetheless it had been unbearable for him to stand there and listen to all the harsh things she was saying' Colin thought.

It hurt so much to witness those words coming from her. As he recalled what she had mentioned he realised how he had previously hurt her, how she had endured hardship before being forced to flee and settle in Scotland. She must have hurt a lot.

In the attempt to reflect on their Whistledown issues he had abandoned her and realises how the whole situation had made her feel so lonely leading her to believe that he did not love her and did not want her when this was in fact very far from the truth. Like a coward, he had remained at his mother's house for too long that his wife felt so forsaken and compelled that she had to flee, not forgetting the sight of her wedding dress that he saw, which further indicated that their marriage felt like a betrayal to her.

'Oh and the Marina story, damn!' Colin hoped Pen was not feeling jealous about her because he was foolish at that time. It was not only the exposure of Marina that he cared about, although it was very cruel of course but he wished his wife had not been the source of that cruelty. However he realised how driven she was to set him free from that deception. How was he so blind to not see how Pen already loved him so much at that time?

Till the afternoon, Colin laid in bed reflecting on the current and past situation, unable to do anything else, unable to write. Recalling that morning's events, he inhaled deeply and wondered whether the situation could ever be rectified. 'Perhaps he had been so harsh towards her about being LW in the past which probably aroused her doubts of him spying on her.'

Regretfully he had been unable to drop her articles. He was worried this could be troublesome for her job.

Even during his time of anger he was thinking about his wife's priorities.

Colin Bridgerton was a changed man and it was not temporary this time.

He mused the possibility of making things right. 'Perhaps he would have to allow Penelope time to process things through before informing her the exact reason he was searching through her papers but right now was not the proper time.'

With all that had happened, she probably would not even be willing to see his face.

Wondering about her health condition, he was genuinely looking forward to visiting her the next morning when he would be less vexed and when she would hopefully be calm. Despite his crossness he still cares for her, nevertheless he was still feeling a great deal of grief and resentment against her.

After spending so much time in bed, he started feeling hungry hence went down to grab a bite. Returning to his bedchamber, he felt like going to the beach to unwind a bit and have a walk, taking in the sea air. Colin freshened up and was putting on his shoes when he heard a knock on his door. He wondered who that could be since he had not asked for anything from room service and it was not cleaning time.

As he opens the door he is shocked to see Penelope, his wife, standing in front of him. He was expecting her the least, much less seeing her by his door and at this hour of the day on top of that.

Colin lets her in while her maid chooses to remain outside.

"Colin…" Pen's voice was rather low, blending shame and hesitancy, not knowing where to start. Feeling ashamed and guilty for her past awful behaviour, she wondered how to begin apologising.

"Pen. I was not hoping to see you here." His tone, which had been more subdued a few seconds earlier, had returned to that of an angry person as he recalled their prior encounter.

"I…Colin…" Her eyes were lowered as she was fidgeting with her fingers, too contrite to look him in the eyes. Colin observed her, as his lips tightened with his eyes brimming with fury wondering what accusations she was about to make now.

"Colin. I am sorry. I deeply and sincerely apologise for what happened in the morning." Finally raising her eyes to gaze at Colin, she noticed him looking at her intently. Her words startled him. He did not expect her to visit him, much less to apologise.

Pen's voice was trembling slightly as she was trying to explain herself.

"It was a huge misunderstanding and I was not aware at all you were present yesterday." Pen's breath catches in her throat before she continues. "Mary just informed me that it was her who instructed the posting of my articles to you and I came to you as soon as possible."

His eyes teary and lips pursed, Colin stared at her furiously as he realised how she had treated him. As much as he loved her he was so hurt.

He glanced around before raising his eyebrows and replying to her "Pen. You cannot perceive how that pained me. I realise I have hurt you in the past but in recent days I have tried immensely to be the best of what I am, Pen." His breaking voice reflected the pain and sadness he was feeling. "Ever since I have found you here, I have been working hard to earn your forgiveness but no matter how much I do, I feel like it is not enough."

He lifted his chin up and turned his face away trying to appear angry when in truth he was innerly feeling sad as his gaze full of sorrow were clearly drifting towards Penelope, wanting to embrace her in his arms. Naturally she could not perceive that since he had turned his face against her.

"No. Colin…" With remorse, she observed Colin and detected his hurtful expression, remarking as he spoke his voice was nearly quivering with agony.

Penelope gulped, her tone soft. "I believe it is perhaps because the past events still haunt us and also due to what I have experienced the past weeks." She lowers her eyes and continues, still fidgeting with her fingers as Colin listens to her keenly, less irate than before. "I know that I have blamed you for so many matters but it's not true. Numerous things occurred as a result of my decisions as well as the circumstances."

"I am so so sorry Colin" her voice above a whisper, taking a few steps towards him.

"I only wanted to help you, Pen. You could have asked me what the matter was but you did not even let me explain. " He tried to speak firmly, not showing the hurt he felt. However Pen could sense it in his shaking voice and by the way he was behaving with his nervous gaze on her "I…I am sorry for…" Colin continues but Pen interrupts him before he could justify himself more.

"No! I am sorry Colin." her voice pleading. "I am so sorry. I know now you were only trying to help, I was not aware until both my maid and Mary told me. I apologise for unleashing myself on you without knowing the truth." Colin is looking at her intently as she attempts to explain herself.

Lowering her gaze, she shifted her weight from one foot to the other. "I think I was influenced by the past events and foolishly assumed that you were spying on me for writing gossip." Her voice is low and tender as she shifts her gaze back at Colin, studying his expression. "I hope you will forgive me." Her breaking voice was on the verge of tears as she gazed at Colin desperately and breathing shakily.

Colin is unable to see her like that, as he's staring at her with desperation, he approaches her slowly, both maintaining eye contact. "I understand if you are furious with me Pen. I have also been angry at you in the past."

Penelope moves towards him, reaching out to hold his hands as her fingers brush against his. A tingling sensation engulfed their bodies as their skin touched. Before continuing to gaze at each other, they glanced at their hands as she placed her top of his.

"No." She shakes her head in disapprovement, locking his eyes. "I am not angry at you Colin. I will not lie saying I was not but it's in the past now. I do agree it has been difficult to perceive you again as the same person you once were but I cannot mostly because…you have grown to become even more comprehensible now." Attempting to let out a light smile nervously, she studies his eyes as she realises how close they were standing.

"Does that mean you like me even more now?" Colin said teasingly with a cheeky smile before retreating back to his upset demeanour.

She felt a stab in her heart as he took his hands off of hers and a step back before adding. "Of course you do not. You are so vexed against me right now, I wonder if I should even bother to stay." Obviously he had no intention of leaving but he just wanted to test the waters.

That notion broke Penelope's heart; she knew she had screwed up, but she had no idea he would leave. Even though it would take some time for things to return to normal, she did not want him to go. She certainly wanted him nearby. .

"Colin, I am sorry! I truly am. I never meant to hurt you...I love you!" She was shouting now, breathlessly. It was imperative for her to declare her love for Colin and for him to know how much he meant to her.

Colin was dumbfounded by what he unexpectedly heard from her. His eyes welled up with tears as he stared at her disheartedly whereby Penelope was already weeping, her face red with worry. She was so scared of losing him again, of losing him for good. If Colin left, they would not have the chance to sort things out again and unite, and she realised now that there was a possibility to get her husband back, her best friend.

"I am not angry because you once were." She stepped forward, looking straight into his eyes as they could hear each other's breath. "Colin, I love you ." Pressing on her last word longer, persuasively, and Colin gazed at her tenderly. Penelope continues, faintly shaking her head "I have never stopped loving you. Not since I have ever loved you, not even when I left, not even when you were not here, not even when I got angry at you, never ." As she blinked, her tears rolled down her cheeks and she let out a sniff.

Letting out a shaky breath, Colin observed her as she seemed to be sincerely honest. Hearing those words made him truthfully and wholeheartedly delighted.

Wiping off her tears, Penelope continues to search Colin's face and eyes as she searches for a response.

He let out a warm smile to her as he reached out for her hands just when she lifted hers to reach out for his.

Colin lifts her right hand and presses a soft kiss on it, his lips curving in a tender smile as his eyes glistened with unshed tears. "I am so happy to hear you say that, Pen."

A soft sigh escapes her, relieved by his words, as she reassures him. "I mean it, Colin." Penelope smiles at him gently, her eyes becoming moist again. Giving her a nod, he smiled back.

"I believe you and I love you too." As he looks into her eyes, his voice is kind and warm-hearted. They continued staring at each other until they felt a heat rush through their veins. Their desire for each other seeped into them as their eyes remained locked. Colin's gaze shifted to her lips as did Penelope too, to his.

They both wanted to kiss each other, they were so close, their clothes were already brushing. Colin wanted to make sure Penelope desired the same before moving forward, studying her face and as much as Penelope did too, she knew it was not wise to go too fast. Not until she'd tell him about her condition. Unlike the last time, she did not wish to move forward while keeping a secret.

She desired Colin too; to kiss him, to hold him in her arms without letting go. In fact she was craving that…but not like this, not with secrets.Though she was confident she would not hold back for long before telling him, she was not ready yet. Gladly, she's certainly sure of her feelings about him.

A second reason was that Pen knew she would not be able to control and would want more than just a kiss. In her current condition, she was feeling extremely amorous and she did not know the reason why and it was embarrassing to discuss that with her maid or anyone else. She just assumed it was her condition building up such cravings just like she keeps experiencing an increasing want to cry all the time and she never felt like it before she was with child.

Should things go forward if they kiss, she feared Colin might discover her secret since she had so many body changes and it was not the ideal moment for him to find out, at least not now. It would be wiser to hold off until their present tension has subsided.

She was confident of starting it afresh with Colin. She was sure she loved him profoundly and undoubtedly wanted a future with him hence wishes to take it slow.

She breaks the rising yearning between them by lowering her eyes.

Pen then looked back at Colin tenderly. "I want it to work between us. I want to rekindle our friendship and become your wife again…" She pauses before resuming. "If you would still want me to be." her lips curving in a hesitant and nervous smile while searching his eyes as she gulped.

"Of course." Colin replied, shaking his head and blinking his eyes, regretfully reversing his focus from her lips and his burning desire for her. "There is nothing else I want, Pen." Glad that their conflict was finally resolved, they both grinned.

As much as he was craving to kiss her, there would be another opportunity…hopefully. For now, he was pleased things were finally better between them. Their quarrel had caused him so much worry.

"I am so delighted to hear that Colin." Pen replies, her eyes lighting up with happiness.

As she presses his hands, she adds on "I want to start over Colin. Perhaps it will take some time because of what happened between us in the past but I am willing to give us a chance. I want to."

Colin nods, even if he wishes to go back to normal right now, he understands that it will take a while. "Of course. I stand by what I said earlier, Pen. I will wait for you until you are ready."

Blinking back, she replies in a soft content tone "You should also know…I am not upset with you over anything, no longer. I do not hold any grudge against you. Nothing at all."

A warm smile spreads across his face, Colin asks, his eyebrows raising in questions "No more grudges?"

Pen smiles back and shakes her head firmly. "No more grudges."

Pen steps backwards slightly, their hands still gripped, her voice remaining soft and her eyes still reflecting the same longing for Colin as she adds. "Can we…can we start again as friends before…before moving forward?" She looks up at him with a curious expression, afraid of having hurt him as she eagerly awaits his response on her request.

A hint of concern flickers across his face as Colin looks down at her, asking himself why she still wished to remain only friends and not more. Then, remembering over how much she had to deal with for the last previous weeks, he believes that giving her time would be wiser rather than pushing everything too far.

"I'm not saying I'm holding on to the past but I will feel more at ease…for now." Perceiving Colin's continued silence she adds further, almost pleading "I'm sorry Colin, I did not mean to hurt you."

As he realises that this would be preferable than not having any relationship with her, Colin nods, though not very pleased with her request but quite thrilled that they have taken another step ahead.

"I understand." A warm and soft smile curving his lips and she returned it back.

Firstly hesitating, she pursued, she desired for all misunderstandings to be cleared. "I had wanted to tell you about my new job. Actually, I was delighted to share the news with you but then I fell sick." She looked gently in his eyes studying them as Colin's smile faded upon remembering the harsh things she had told him but quickly forgot about it seeing her pleasant smile.

"It is alright." Colin smiles back at her then seems as though desiring to add something else but hesitated for a moment. Pen patiently waited for him to talk as he appeared lost in his words.

"Why…why do you have to work Pen. I can take care of you. You may write anything you like if you wish for it as a passion without having to do it as a job. I know I am not the head of my family but I am here for you, I can provide for you. I am certain." His voice is soft and calm. Unquestionably aware that she loved working and excelled at her job, he nonetheless needed to ensure she was aware he wanted to and could provide for her should she not desire to work.

"Don't worry Colin. I enjoy having a job. I am thrilled to work. I know you are here for me and you will always be but my job makes me happy." Pen briefly pauses in reflection before continuing. "Writing for me is not only a hobby, writing is what makes me myself. I feel complete when I write. I feel like it is a part of my being." A proud merry smile spreads across her face.

"I know. You are also very good at it." Colin presses her fingers and offers her a proud smile. "I am so proud of you and the woman that you are, so proud of your achievements."

Both offered each other a beaming smile.

Realising that it was quite late, Penelope decided to leave before the sun would be out since she was alone with her maid. In addition, she felt a little peckish, she had not eaten much in her hurry to Colin's. With a heavy heart, she informs Colin of her departure.

"I should go. It will be dark soon outside and I do not wish to trouble you."

"You could never trouble me, Pen." He glanced over the door then looked back at Pen and added "Let me accompany you."

"It is alright. I will manage." Colin did not agree. "Pen, please let me."

"My maid is outside and thankfully my house is not too far from here, I will be fine." She gave him a reassuring smile and Colin gave in.

Colin nodded. "I shall see you soon." Smiling, he affectionately kisses her hand as Penelope gives him a warm smile before leaving his room. Their eyes stayed locked for a moment exchanging several silent emotions of longing and love before she broke it and drifted away to the door. Although they were both reluctant to separate, they were somewhat relieved that the tension between them both was over. Colin is thrilled that Pen came to visit him.

The following day, Colin did not come to visit. In actuality, he had fallen sick. It wasn't that severe; he had developed a slight fever, but he was unable to travel to visit her and so he chose not to send her any message to not add to her worry and also in case it might be contagious for her.

Meanwhile Penelope spent the entire day waiting for Colin after delivering her articles to the press and when he did not show up without any note she presumed that he had still been upset. She had wished to visit him but thought to give him time to come and was quite puzzled because she believed their conflict had ceased and that he was no longer crossed with her.

Another reason she could not visit him was her health. She was not feeling the best and she remembered the physician's advice to rest. In addition, was also assisting her maid with the household chores. She did not complain of the drastic change in her lifestyle for she was a very patient and hardworking person.

Penelope thought to give it another day and to wait until he might visit and if he did, she would then go to visit him the day after. For a while she was terrified that he might have left her but then tried to not strain herself too much and affect her health but also because she was certain Colin would not leave, though she was not reassured he had calmed entirely from his anger of their previous encounter.

A few hours after breakfast the following day, Colin came. He did not come only to visit this time, he had something else in mind.

As Colin came upstairs, he found Pen in her study seated on a chair directly across door. Even though she innerly doubted him of still being furious due to his absence the previous day, she was overjoyed to finally see him even if somewhat surprised.

"Good day, Pen." Colin appeared serious, though obviously glad to see her. His voice was firm but soft so was his gaze. She had been sitting and ruminating about them, then she saw him. Now that she noticed his serious expression, Penelope wondered if Colin was perhaps indeed vexed with her for what she had said though it did not make sense he would still be. They had already cleared their argument.

"Colin. Good day. I did not know you would visit today." Penelope's lips curve into a smile but Colin gives her a desperate look.

Colin takes a steadying breath as he kneels down to where she was seated, looking at her right in the eye. "Pen."

"There's something I have been meaning to tell you." He was wearing an expression she had seen before, the face he had in her carriage when he had proposed and revealed his feelings.

Pen grew curious to what Colin was prepared to confess now as she attentively looked down at him, her brow furrowed in concentration.

During the past days, ever since Penelope had left his bedchamber, Colin had been thinking about it over and over again. As much as he was delighted that they would be starting as friends, it was itching him that he could not be with Pen as lovers, as spouses again. He missed her so much and being only friends would not suffice. He wanted more, but he thought to wait until Pen was ready. Even when he was sick, lying in bed he was still contemplating them as a couple and more than friends.

However, that day had been three months already since he had proposed to Pen in that carriage, expressing his feelings, choosing to make her his wife and he could not restrain himself any longer.

It was making him feel emotional as this stirred up some blissful memories.

"Pen, I do not wish to be your friend." Her heart skipped a beat on these words until he added "I wish to be more than your friend."

Taking a gulp, he moves closer to her as she can almost hear him breathe, gazing at him carefully, her attention fixed on his declaration. "I have been your friend all our lives and I do not wish to do the same anymore."

"I wish to be your husband. I wish to be your partner, your spouse. To be there by your side at all times and to care for you, to love you." He was gazing at her desperately as she continued to focus on him. Shaking his head he continues "I don't wish to lose any more time that I can spend with you, Pen. I recognise I have made some ill choices in the past and I have disregarded you and I truthfully regret it. I wish I could have done things differently but all I can do is to be someone better for the future."

"I know I should have been with you after our wedding but there was so much going on, I was distracted and I failed to see that you needed me by your side. I realised only after you were gone that as a husband, I failed to be with you, my wife, to…to start the day together, to end the night together...not alone." His expression blended despair and agony as his blue eyes stared at her agonisingly.

Pen's eyes lowers as she replies, recalling her loneliness as a newly married bride "Sometimes…sometimes I wonder if you did not come to me because I…I was not experienced enough for you as the women you had been with." She looks back at him, her eyes revealing hurt.

Colin shakes his head, his gaze reflecting the pain at the eye-opening realisation of how he had actually made her feel. "Pen!" "No!" "Of course not."

"I…" "It was never the reason Pen." "I have loved every moment we have been together, you are not comparable to anyone else Pen." Given that he looks honest, Penelope believes him.

Smiling lightly he resumes "You know, when I went on my travels, I was somewhat searching for my purpose. I always felt so lost and travelling helped me to clear my thoughts and to perhaps guide me in finding my purpose."

He breathed deeply and resumed. "Pen, I do not believe I will need to travel again to find my way because I am certain that… you are my purpose. I do not need to search for any reason to be anymore because you are all the reasons I want to be Colin. The reason for which I want to wake up everyday."

"I realise how you helped my…our family; the Bridgertons by protecting us in your column even if you wrote nasty things but it was to cover the fact that you were trying to protect us from a bad reputation." Penelope did not believe what she was actually hearing.

"You really are a different woman Pen. You had been the one woman in the ton who was not only looking to be married but who was also trying to pursue her aspirations. You had been the most eligible woman and perhaps men did not court you because they felt like they were not good enough for you." Smiling at that comment, Penelope's eyes twinkled.

"I am somewhat glad many men did not court you otherwise we would never have gotten together." Colin lets out a small giggle and Penelope echoes.

Colin moistens his lips and continues "You know, I have always loved you, Pen. I was so foolish to not realise it sooner." He was gazing deeply at her as she was listening to him keenly, staring at him admirably as he was confessing himself. "Every time we met and conversed, my love for you was there and it grew deeper with time but I did not realise it."

Pen lowers her gaze, recalling all the years she waited for him and the scary situation had she been married to another man, before looking back at him.

"I had missed you immensely while I was on my travels, then when I saw you again my heart rejoiced but you turned me away. After that, I attempted to approach you again to talk at the first ball when you were looking so exquisite and my heart tore upon knowing the reason you had stopped writing to me, because of the suffering my words had caused you."

"Colin." Penelope tries to interrupt him as she no longer holds any grudge with him over that. "It is long forgotten, do not bring it..."

Colin shakes his head. "Let me Pen. I want to let you know how much I have loved you all this time. Ever since we first kissed, I was tortured not being by your side, suffering for seeing you being courted by another man but me." Colin stared at her with such ardour that made her breath catch in her throat.

"I wish for us to be together Pen, not as friends, well, we can remain friends of course but I want to be friends as your husband."

"I expect nothing of you. I just want to love you, to be with you no matter how you are, where you are and what you want to do in life. I love you for who you are Pen, the independent woman that you are, living your own life by your own means, so brave and courageous." Colin gives her a proud smile. "I believe being together you can undeniably guide me to become someone more comprehensible, so I can learn from my mistakes, being the intelligent woman that you are. "

Penb smiles at him with his tender and praising words but adds in a low tone. "We all make mistakes Colin, I am not perfect."

"But you are perfect for me Pen, with your perfections and imperfections, I love you for who you are."

"I wish to shower my love on you and the children we shall have in future." He was oblivious of the fact that she was already with child.

"I wish to have children for us that are just like you, the same that you are."

Pen gasps at that statement as Colin lifts his left hand and brushes a strand of hair from her face and as if analysing her face he adds with a soft light smile, "I want a little girl who looks just like you, the same blue eyes, intelligent and brave as you are" just as he brushes the strand behind her ear and cups her face with his hand.

Pen's heart twinges at his words and wishes to inform him of her condition. Then she remembers and asks "What about me being Lady Whistledown? What if I continue?"

"It doesn't matter Pen, I love you for who you are." he replies with an earnest tone.

With that said, a solemn tear drops down Pen's cheek; her body looked calm compared to how tangled her mind was. With all the confessions, her eyes had grown watery, and she was unable to hold it back. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she realised that she wanted to get back with Colin as his wife since she loved him too much.

"I want to as well Colin. There's nothing more I desire than to be your wife, believe me, but…"

Pen is reluctant to get together with him too hastily being with child, not that she is doubting him since she is certain he will be a good father but she was unable to. Something was innerly stopping her. This was furthermore due to the fact that he had not visited for the past day and was perplexed if he had been angry again despite her apology and the tender moment they shared.

As Colin keeps studying her expressions for a continuity to that 'but' she replies "...but…everything has changed now Colin, nothing is not like before."

Colin seems puzzled and asks as his brows furrow, gazing at her in curiosity "How?"

The main reason was her being with child. Before accepting to be his wife, she should inform him of that foremost.

She absolutely wished to tell him but she is unable to, something in her is stopping her from telling. It's not that she does not trust him and she was not doing it on purpose. She was unable to act in any way to tell him her truth at that moment and it was not by choice. Perhaps she required more time hence why she requested to be friends firstly or for the fact that she feared of having to settle somewhere else again, it was so much trouble already one time. This was the trauma of the past haunting her.

At that point she had no grudges against him.

It was the most sincere, romantic and profound confession she had ever received from someone, and to receive it from the man she loved meant everything. Penelope's convinced she will never get this from anyone else, ever. She felt so lucky. It was more than she had ever dreamt of. At that time, she felt as though she needed some time to reflect or perhaps a guidance; a friendly or motherly advice.

Pen lowers her eyes as she gets lost in her thoughts, unable to give him a response to his query.

Observing Penelope's silence and unwilling to share the issue, Colin took a deep breath and got up, feeling restless as he shook his head and took some steps back from her, pondering on how to remedy the situation while keeping an eye on Pen who was being utterly stubborn and refusing to give up.

Stepping further, he stood beside the door looking about the room, lost in his own musings, thinking of a solution.

Penelope's maid then came to see her and upon spotting her from the door entrance, she approached to talk to her, unaware of Colin's presence.

"Ma'am, will you eat something? You have eaten only a light breakfast in the morning and it has been quite a few hours. Do you want me to prepare you some soup maybe?"

Pen had everything but food on her mind at that time. She had been unable to eat properly in the morning due to the anxiousness of Colin's absence. "No. I do not wish to eat anything right now." Pen did not even lift her head to look at her, she was too preoccupied with the tenseness in the room with Colin as her mind and expression were filled with worry, fidgeting with her chair's arm.

"Please Ma'am, let me bring you something. You should not eat so little now, since you are with child you should eat for two."

Just as she uttered those words, Penelope lifted her head and looked at her, not shocked, not affected; unmoved, but still deeply in worry.

Hearing those words and his reflection broken, Colin immediately turns back to face the maid, shocked, his mouth left agape, eyes widened as a tear falls down his cheek.

Notes:

I knowwwww. A cliffhanger :P

It's what makes it exciting to read the new chapter because patience bears fruits :P

Let me know how you found this chapter

Chapter 13: Trust is prerequisite for love

Summary:

Colin finds out a piece of information that changes everything between them and their relationship going forward.

Notes:

I know how many of you think that Penelope should forgive Colin, I also agree she should but do remember how Colin treated her, how she felt abandoned and alone in the house he brought her as a wife to, that she felt forced to flee and come into a foreign land and befriend strangers.

This chapter has some new revelations in Polin's relationship.

ENJOY!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Upon noticing Colin, the maid was astonished. She did not pay attention nor notice him since he was standing undetected next to the door and Pen was silent, leading her to believe she was all by herself.

Colin was in shock as he tried to process what he had just heard, his jaw was still hanging open as he stared at the maid in disbelief, another tear rolling down his cheek while standing still.

The maid panicked upon perceiving the repercussion of her words. The look on Colin's face made her realise he had heard her and everything she said. "Uhh…excuse me Ma'am. I did not mean to say things out of my place. I deeply apologise."

Instead of scolding her, Penelope simply remained inert, looking at the maid, Pen's face was still filled with worry, part of her extremely relieved that the truth had finally come to light. "I'm really sorry Ma'am." She bowed and returned to her chores and Penelope remained unmoved as she lowered her head with her gaze downcast.

His eyes flickering everywhere in realisation, Colin stood motionless for a moment, processing the information before turning to Penelope.

Pen raised her head, unable to speak. Her eyes softly widened as she sent a sorrowful glance at Colin.

Although Colin is aware of what he had heard, he nevertheless wanted to be sure that it was precisely what he had heard or that it signified what he believed it to.

"Is this true?" Colin's voice was mixed with shock and sadness.

Pen remained silent, fixing at and fidgeting with her chair's arm vigorously at the realisation of the upcoming conversation.

"Pen…Please say something." His tone is pleading yet soft.

Penelope looks back at him and with a gentle nod she responds, her voice soft but tinged with fear maintaining eye contact "Yes. It is true, Colin. I am with child."

Colin's eyes welled up with tears as his mouth flinched and stupefaction stole the air from his lungs, leaving him breathless. His heart leaping into his throat and eyes wide, he let out a deep breath. He gulped before asking "How long have you known?"

Lowering her gaze, Pen's tone is low as she responds exhibiting both hesitation and apprehension "The…night I ran away…" her gaze shifting back to him to study his expression. Colin stares at her, startled and then averts his eyes, as if reflecting on something. As Colin continues to assimilate the information, she surveys him attentively, her brows furrowing in concern.

Colin drops on his knees before her, seemingly perplexed. Softly gazing at her, he asks in a gentle yet awed tone. "Pen…I do hope this was not the reason…" The way he is questionably staring at her, his demeanour is clearly asking her whether it was. Pen hesitates and lowers her gaze.

"Was it?" Colin is despairingly searching her eyes while expecting to hear the contrary.

Pen meets his gaze, still focusing on his expression then slowly nods while locking his eyes, a tear gradually trickling down her cheek.

A painful lump formed in Colin's throat. He gulped hard at the dawning realisation that this was the truth. Tilting his head, he gazed at his wife heavy-heartedly as his eyes glistened with unshed tears and his eyebrows drawn up in the inner corners. "Pen…" his voice trembling slightly, blending tenderness and despondency.

Colin slowly shakes his head, unable to believe his ears and letting out a shaky breath he adds.

"Why didn't you tell me then?" His voice above a whisper as he inspects her closely, awaiting a response.

Pen blinks, lowering her gaze for an instant before replying. "I…I wanted to." She gulps and continues, looking back at him. "But then the way you were staying away from me and you said you will never forgive me, I thought you would not be happy at it and also…" Colin listens to her intently as she explains, her voice clearly trembling. Even if she was apprehensive, she deemed it better for him to know since she wanted to be completely honest with him.

"You said that I had…that…I had entrapped you when we were intimate, so…" she averted her gaze before continuing "I feared you would state I entrapped you further if you found out I was with child." As Colin is processing over what she is saying, she continues, her voice still breaking and fidgeting with her fingers. "I thought you no longer loved me or that you felt trapped in our marriage, in our relationship. Moreover, with the Lady Whistledown issues that were affecting you along with your family, Colin, I believed it best to grant you an annulment." Pen paused and licked her lips as she blinked before adding. "However, I was afraid if you discovered I was with child you would feel compelled to stay with me for that reason solely and be unhappy in our relationship."

Tears streamed her face turning red as she recounted and listening to her Colin's eyes became teary. "I did not want to stay in an unhappy marriage Colin, at least I did not wish that for you. I wanted you to be happy and I feared with me you did not feel so. This is why I left."

She pauses before continuing as she realises that Colin might ask why she never took the opportunity to confess it to him, her voice calm and less cracking. "I did consider telling you Colin but you never showed up. You were not there with me and I thought perhaps you did not desire to be by my side. Hence I never got the chance to tell you or discuss our issues with you to know whether you would accept me and my…our child." Colin looks away while he muses over something dejectedly then returns his attention to Pen as she continues.

"Also, I was scared that our lives would be a façade, to live like we were complete strangers in our home, to smile and pretend to be a happy couple only for the society to then come back home and act like strangers."

Penelope frantically shakes her head clearly showing her disapproval of what she was stating. "I did not want to live like that with you, I could not. You were hardly present and…even when you were Colin, the reflection of betrayal in your eyes whenever you laid eyes on me always made me feel like I did an atrocity which was beyond repair, for which you would never forgive me and that I would have to live a life as strangers with you, just…just like…my parents did."

Pen averts her gaze as she recalled how her parents had lived so distanced from each other while being in the same house which had a direct effect on her, being their child.

Looking back at Colin and still shaking her head she continues. "I did not want to choose that for my child Colin, I could not." With that she felt unable to pursue further, her voice was breaking. She stops and studies Colin's face.

Penelope had confessed everything to him; the reason she left and the reason why. As she examines his expression, apprehension fills her eyes as she's now fearing that he will be angry, just like he did when she hid something from him the last time, and this time as well he learned about it from another source even if she confirmed the facts herself.

A high feeling of fear of Colin being furious and leaving crept upon her but she was feeling even more relieved and appeased that he had found out after all.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not telling you." Her voice is shaking as she apologises.

"Pen…" Colin gave her a dejected look and hot tears rolled down his cheeks as he got closer.

"I'm sorry, I am so sorry you had to go through all of this by yourself." Colin takes her right hand and kisses the top. His eyes burning with pain mingled with sadness, he gazes at her disconsolately. "I should be the one to say sorry, Pen. I am so sorry." He then lifts her hands to his cheeks and kisses the palm as Penelope's eyes follow his moves, also crying along.

His touch against hers was gentle and soft, Penelope instantly felt safe even if her heart ached at his first touch on her skin.

Colin leans forward further and embraces her. His right hand wrapped behind her back, grabbing in her shoulder, he cupped her face with his left palm with his fingers brushing against the lobe of her ear as his thumb stroked her cheek. Placing his forehead tenderly against her left temple with eyes closed, Colin presses his nose against her cheeks, placing a soft kiss on her cheek through his tears as they flowed down his face like a river escaping a dam.

Pen immediately grabbed on the back of his left arm that was cupping her face, gripping on with both hands as she cried along with him.

He couldn't breathe, he could hardly keep himself together. A flash of sting rushed his veins as his heart throbbed and he felt a crippling pain through his body. Colin's tears streamed his face as he kissed her again tenderly.

"I'm so sorry, Pen." he whispers against her face tenderly with a tone of reassurance "I'm here now, everything will be fine." Colin felt a pain in his heart for what she had endured as though he had been stabbed in the heart. The pain was so intense, so all-consuming.

In that moment, they let out their pain, their suffering, their endurance as they sob in each other's arms, remembering what they had undergone.

As he recollects the past incidents again which he had remembered one by one throughout Pen's recounting, he felt a twinge of pain in his heart.

Placing another deep kiss on her cheek, Colin leans back to look at her, taking both his hands to cup her face, wiping off her tears with his thumbs. As they both calm down a bit, only silent tears falling their cheeks, he gathers himself and asks her:

"Pen, I did not realise how much you were suffering, how much you were enduring on your own. I never meant to hurt you when I told you of the entrapment, I…" He lets out a soft sigh. "I do not know what I was thinking at that time. I believe I was hurting and I felt like…" he drops his gaze as he replies. "I felt hurt that you had betrayed me like Marina did and I…" Shifting back his gaze to Pen he confesses his feelings. "...loved you Pen." Colin looks at her with tenderness, as his eyebrows draw in the corner maintaining eye contact, his gaze so intense that Pen feels her heart pound fast and loud. "I never loved Marina, it is you who I love, it was always you."

Pen's breath catches in her throat over the words that seemed to echo in the room.

"I was a fool to hide away like a coward that you felt so compelled to escape." Taking both her hands in his, Colin continues with his cracking tone as he tries to explain himself frenetically. "I am so glad I found you here Pen, otherwise you would have suffered alone and you would furthermore have never known how much I love you." He offers her a weak smile through his tears as he again wipes her face of the tears strolling down her cheeks, remembering how she had practically begged him to love her the day of his sister's wedding because she thought he did not love her. Then he had proven her right by abandoning her. As he gazes at her dejectedly, Pen gives him a curious look.

"Colin. Are you not angry? I lied to you for so long, in fact I hid the truth of your child. I was honestly expecting you to be angry with me or hate me for it." Her tone was lucid but mixed with surprise.

Gazing at her and understanding her presupposition, he responds softly shaking his head in disapproval "Pen, I could never hate you. Perhaps the man I was before would have been furious at you but with everything that occurred lately, I have come to realise that you were always there for me while I failed to do so on my turn." Colin gives a quick thoughtful nod as he contemplates the past. "I admit I had some concerns due to what had transpired with you as Whistledown but I failed to act correctly with you as a husband and had I been, you would not have felt forced to take such a drastic step."

Nodding as he reflected, Colin adds "Perhaps the previous Colin would have been outraged and throw some other harsh accusations but in those few last weeks, I've learned more about life and I can understand why you concealed this truth from me even though I wish we had been together to celebrate this good news and you did not have to bear everything alone."

It was intolerable to think that she had imagined, even for a split second, that he hated her.

"I failed you Pen, I failed you." With a shaking voice, he shrieks, tears spilling down his face as Pen looks at him affectionately. Studying her eyes, he adds in a lower tone filled with despair "Will you forgive me?"

She cups his face with her hand and reassures him calmly "Colin, you do not have to ask for forgiveness. You do not have to…"

Without giving her time to finish her sentence, he precipitously hugs her and they both wrapped themselves in each other's arms, offering a solace tight hug. They hug comfortably, feeling lost in each other, forgetting the world around them as Colin utters, his tone low. "I love you." Pen hugs him tighter and replies in the same tone. "I love you too."

They then break the hug and smile at each other warmly. Subsequently, Colin is lost in some reflection as his brows furrow then proceeds to ask:

"Is that why you wanted to remain friends? Because I was not aware of this secret?"

Pen nods. "Yes. I did not want to pursue our relationship while keeping a secret, like I did last time… but…there is no reason to remain only friends now. I want to be your wife Colin, I will be thrilled to be, there's nothing I desire more." Her pitch grows higher as she speaks with conviction, letting her emotions overcome her. Pen offers him a reassuring beam and Colin returns it back, delighted to hear those words coming from her.

Then something dawns on him.

"Pen…why did you not tell me just now..that you were with child. Do you trust me now or is there still a doubt?" He asks with concern without any anger but simple curiosity.

Her voice is tempestuous but convincing. "No Colin. I trust you, I trust you totally. I don't know why Colin. I could not. Something was not letting me tell you. I have no idea what it was. Perhaps it's because of what occurred between us back in Mayfair…and you also did not visit the past day, so I thought you had become upset again for what I told you the other day."

"Pen…" He let out a relieved sigh. "I'm sorry for that. I had wanted to send you a message but I did not wish for you to worry. I was a bit sick actually, I had a light fever and this is why I could not come visit. I apologise for not informing you."

Her eyes widening in surprise, she quickly cups his face, one hand pressing on his arm as she exclaims "Colin! What happened? Are you alright?!" Letting out a warm huge smile, Colin gazes at her warmly, his eyes twinkling as he replies affectionately "I am now. I am more than fine. I came because I realised today had been three months since I had proposed to you and expressed my feelings that night in the carriage, Pen. Today could not have been any better in memory of that day." he takes the hand that was cupping his face and places a kiss on top of her fingers.

He then lowers his gaze to look at her hands as he takes them both in his, before staring at her tenderly with a spark in his eyes. "Pen, I promise you today, I will always be there for you. I should have kept this promise as a husband before when we took our wedding vows but I will now. I promise to always look after you and our child, to keep both of you safe." His blue eyes shimmered and Pen could tell that he was plainly honest but yet wished to confirm and leave no place for doubts.

"Are you happy?" Pen asks hesitantly.

"About what?" Colin asks, suddenly confused.

"About me…being with a child." She surveys his face for his reaction.

"Pen…" He let out his right hand and cupped her cheek stroking it with his thumb, letting out a breath of relief, his voice so calm and tender. "You have made me the happiest man in the world."

"Really?" A feeling of happiness creeps over her at her husband's confession.

He nods earnestly, a warm smile lighting up his face. Pen beams at that statement and so did Colin. Leaning in, he kisses her forehead softly.

"Are you not angry and upset I kept this from you for so long? I am so sorry Colin, I wish things were different." Pen is sincere in her tone and Colin is about to reply when she continues.

"I did not wish for it to happen this way, for you to find out from someone else, for you to discover from another person once again of something I hid from you. I wanted to tell you Colin, I meant it, perhaps if not today but tomorrow or another day but I was sincerely looking forward to telling you anytime soon." Shaking her head to justify, her voice was almost pleading. "Please forgive me for not informing you myself. I never wanted for you to find out about the news of our child in this way. I had wished to inform you myself."

Pen takes a pause as she looks at her fidgeting fingers, her tone lower. "This should have been different, you should have learned this from me, and definitely not like this. It should have been happier…I wish…I wish things were different." She let out a hot tear roll down her cheek as her tone got to a whisper before stopping and looking at Colin carefully.

Disapprovingly, Colin shakes his head as he gazes at her tenderly. "Let us bury all the pain and suffering in the past. Forget everything bad that has happened." Lifting his thumb, he wipes her tears, his voice calm and soothing. "I know we might face hurdles in the future, but let's look forward and forget all the negative things behind us. As long as we are together and we advance in the steps of life together, I am confident all will surely work out well."

She gives him a dubious look, still unsure. To reassure her Colin offers a solemn nod "I am sure of it. I have faith in us, in our love." At that moment, Pen could see the emotions in his eyes mirror hers.

Squeezing his palm, Penelope nods with a radiant smile, then shifting to a beam as the reality of his words dawned on her. She then lifts her hand and clasps his face as she looks at him tenderly in the eyes. "You are going to be a father, Colin." She shares a warm smile at him. "And I am sure you will be a wonderful father, I cannot wait for you to be."

Happiness streaked through him like a comet, he couldn't think of a time he'd ever been happier. Colin offers her a huge grin, exposing his dimples.

"Thank you Pen. Thank you for granting me this happiness. You do not realise how happy you have made me. I feel like the luckiest man in the world. I have been dreaming of this ever since I dreamed of a family with you." Warm tears welled up Colin's eyes as contentment filled his heart.

"A family with you is all I ever wanted Colin." Pen stroke his cheek as a sign of mutual happiness.

Colin leans forward and softly kisses her forehead and Pen's heart flutters with his kiss this time.

As Colin looks back at her he asks, "No more secrets from now on?" He motions at Pen and she nods.

"You promise?" Nodding faster she consents. "I promise."

Then she swiftly shakes her head, pressing his hand reassuringly. "No more secrets. No matter how bitter, regardless what it is about, I will always share them with you. I promise, Colin."

His lips curve in a soft smile as his eyes gradually glisten.

For a brief moment they just stared into each other's eyes unable to look away, as their eyes shared silent words, narrowing into a twinkling smile. The gleaming happiness in their eyes was evident and so longing.

Even if unwilling to break the cheerful silence, Colin adds "I will try to do my best, for us…for the three of us." As both share a warm smile, relief engulfed Pen with the notion that her child will not be fatherless.

"May I?" Colin asks, motioning to her belly. She immediately nods and he places a hand on her belly and looks in her eyes. "You will no longer be alone, Pen. I will be there with you, taking care of you both. Always. I cannot wait to see our child." Penelope warmly places her hand on his.

"You will be a wonderful mother, Pen…" He lets out a soft breath as he brushes a strand of hair that just fell on her face, his tone soft. "I cannot wait to live those moments with you." Contemplating in her sky blue eyes as he strokes her cheek, Colin gives her a proud look "Besides, you can guide me when I make mistakes, the clever woman that you are."

Suddenly, he stops and becomes engrossed in a reverie. As he speaks, his voice is deep with emotions.

"I do not wish to lose any more time, Pen. I want to be with you all the time. With both of you." Approaching closer to her face he gazes in her eyes with desperation, squeezing her hands gently, so close that Pen could see tears forming in his eyes. "I've lost so many moments being far away from you already, I cannot bear more of it. My wish is to just be with you, no matter where you are." His tone rising with emotion and vehemence as he studies her face.

"I know Colin, I do too. Together we can work on it." Brushing back his palm tenderly with her thumb, Penelope reassures him, her tone soothing.

With a smile as dazzling as the sun, he nods. Penelope could not believe the events of what was actually happening, it felt unreal to her.

"I am so delighted you're happy Colin.Our child will have his father as well as his mother. There's nothing more I would have wished than that for him." her hopes soared as she shared a vivid smile.

"Him? How do you know we are having a boy?" His eyes slightly narrow as he asks in teasingly.

"Well, because…I'm constantly feeling hungry. It must be a boy who is following the steps of his father." She giggled, her eyes twinkling.

The sound of her giggles sending shivers to Colin's body as he watches her with adoration.

Talking of their child and referring to him as 'father' made his heart swell with joy.

Colin gives her a sheepish smile followed by a merry chuckle. He lets out a relaxed breath and then recomposed himself as though remembering something. "Pen, talking about being hungry. Your maid said you had not eaten well in the morning. It is imperative that you eat in your state."

"Colin! I hope you will not make me eat until I look like a balloon." She then laughs light-heartedly.

"I trust you will look absolutely beautiful even as a balloon Pen." Although he teases, he honestly means what he says.

The woman who was carrying their child, who loved him so much, who he loved more than anyone else, would appear gorgeous in any shape.

Pen gives him a soft glare, as her eyes narrowed. He lets out a soft giggle.

"Oh no. I do not wish to eat anything right now, please. I only want to rest." her voice sounding tired.

He gradually gets up with a warm smile. As he got to his feet he realised how his knees were hurting from lingering on the floor for too long, too caught up in their conversation and completely ignorant of it.

"Where are you going?" Pen becomes scared at the idea of him leaving.

"I am here." Colin reassures her as he lets out a hand for her to stand up. "Where are we going?" Penelope inquires curiously.

"Let's put you to rest a bit." Willingly she wraps her palm around his before getting up and stroking his hand with her thumb.

Subsequently, they proceed into her bedchamber whereby Colin attempts to assist her in preparing her bed to rest despite Penelope's embarrassment and to additionally not bother him. "Colin, you do not have to. I can call my maid and she will do the needful."

"There's no need. It is already done." Colin prepared her bed as far as he knew to do it and Penelope watched him in admiration, smiling at his persistence when the bed was all but clean and messy. Despite his lack of experience, he still tried his best.

"Colin…" Penelope chuckles softly. "It is not made. I will not be able to sleep like this, I will suffer neck pain." she giggles faintly. After glancing at her then back at her bed, he discerns that she was indeed right after scanning his view. Letting out a low sign, Colin laughs amusingly. He raised his hands in the air in disappointment at his light labour. "I'm sorry, Pen. I'm terrible at this."

Pen then grabs his hand and giggles vaguely louder, placing her other hand above. Turning back to face Penelope, Colin's eyes focused into hers attentively as she offered him a warm gaze with a glowing smile. "It is over and above anything that you tried…for me…Colin. I am not worse myself, don't worry about it."

Giving her a rueful smile, Colin nods.

Colin then takes a seat next to her as she proceeds to sit on her bed. They both let out a sigh. She had to summon her maid to make her bed, but she wanted to be alone with him for a little longer, so did Colin and he was undeniably aware his feeling was mutual.

Neither made a move to call Pen's maid as they sat in silence; appreciating each other's company, musing on their future, recalling their past.

After a while, both simultaneously turned their body to face each other, their hands still tangled.

They exchange glances and as their gazes lock for a moment their blue eyes tenderly exchange unspoken words until Pen said, her voice affectionate but edged with forlorn "I am so elated everything ultimately turned out well. I missed you so much Colin." As she observes his face, taking in his features, Pen's voice becomes more intense. "You cannot imagine how lonely I have felt. Everything seemed so empty without you, like I was missing something, truly. I am immensely delighted I found you again Colin." Gratitude flowed through her as her whole face lit up with glee. "Now I can share everything with you."

Approaching her closely, Colin stares at her in the eye and whispers ardently. "Everything." he then lets out a soft breath. "We will share everything Pen, we shall live every moment of our lives together. As a family. As husband…" and Pen resumes with a smile "and wife."

Squeezing his right hand in hers while rubbing her thumb she adds "I cannot wait to live the rest of my life with you Colin." Looking at her lovingly and as he opens his mouth to reply, Pen cuts him. "You do not have to say anything Colin, I know you're also eager to live those moments."

Their gaze then deepens and both Colin and Pen exchange amorous glances before settling on one other's lips. Colin then glanced at her eyes and then back at her lips, studying her reaction for approval before kissing her. He was craving to plant a kiss on her rosy lips and he could not remember how long he had been yearning for that, it felt like an eternity.

Since she did not move or give him any sign Colin assumes Pen is not willing to and is downheartedly pulling away with his gaze low until she lifts her right hand to quickly cup his cheek, her fingers sliding the back of his neck, beckoning him for a kiss. Startled by her unexpected gesture, Colin's eyes widen in surprise as his brows rise in an arc.

Ogling at her lips hungrily, Colin lifts his palm to place it on her hand cupping his cheek. Leaning to his wife's face, almost an inch distance and glancing between her lips and eye, Colin perceives that she shared his hankering.

Her lips appear so inviting as he lingers his piercing stare while Pen is impatient to taste his lips closed around hers. Heat engulf both of them as they anticipate the next seconds.

Being so close, they could inhale each other's air as they exhale hot breath.

They exchange lustful stares before both swiftly unite their lips in a lengthy ravenous kiss, closing their eyes in relishment.

The kiss is the one they had both been waiting for since they got married, the kiss that Colin had been dreaming of ever since he learned of Pen's departure, the kiss Pen had been yearning for from her husband ever since getting married and even after settling in Scotland.

Penelope never stopped craving it and neither did Colin.

The kiss is not soft, it is not tender, it is deep, it is burning, it is filled with scorching desire and passion.

As they taste each other fervently and explore the corners of their mouths, Pen's right hand shifts higher from his neck to grip on his silky curls and his left hand instantly follows her movement, placing his palm on the top of her hand and intertwining their fingers, then tightening them as she deepens her grasp. His other hand raises to delicately cup her cheek as she presses her left hand firmly on his waist, pulling him inwards, thrusting herself to him until her breasts pressed against his chest faintly hearing his heart pumping.

Their lips dance in unison as they tilt their head perfectly and they part only to breathe for an instant before burying themselves in each other's swollen lips again. As they break once more, Penelope lets out a slight moan when their lips brush which arouses Colin. He cannot help but bite her lower lip before diving in again which heated Pen's inside even more, all the while their eyes remaining shut, savouring and relishing one another and the sensation accompanied.

Their hearts race even faster with each swirl of their lips.

The only audible sound in the room being their supple lips and their combined breaths growing faster punctuated with sporadic moans louder than their heart beats.

With their noses glued to each other's cheeks, Colin's left hand roams downwards from her shoulder to the side of her left breast then her waist to end up on her thigh grabbing them and pressing on them firmly through the fabric of her dress. He then gradually shifts his hand lower grabbing her calf then lifts her leg upwards towards his. With that gesture, Pen breaks the kiss as she pauses to look at her leg clutched in his hand, almost laying on him with her ankle brushing his thigh.

Colin opens his eyes to check why she halted the kiss as his gaze tensely follows hers to her leg and he immediately lifts his eyes and scans her face to detect whether his gesture is making her uncomfortable. Before Colin has the chance to inquire if she is facing any trouble, Penelope swiftly removes her right hand from his locks shifting it to the back of his neck, bending his face closer and leaning towards him to pursue the kiss to his half-opened mouth.

Examining Pen's gaze which is hooked on his lips and giving in to her desire, they resume their kiss.

Then when Colin slowly slips his hand under her dress on her thigh, she hastily breaks the kiss again. Removing her hand from his neck, she places it back on his arm which is grabbing her thigh, as she gradually presses on it. She realises that she was with child and doubts if she could proceed. No one informed her whether she could be intimate in this state and she was furthermore not feeling the best in terms of health to engage with anything physical at that point.

wncast as she ponders over the situation she informs Colin with a somewhat regretful voice, their hot lips clearly tender and engorged "We cannot…not right now." She wants to let Colin know that she desires him as much as he does but on another time, until she figures out all the rules.

Pen was breathing heavily and was unaware until she heard herself now. Her cheeks flushed as she realises how immersed she had been in their kiss and her craving of it had been obvious.

"Are you alright?" He asks curiously, tensed as his brows furrow, equally breathing deeply.

She nods slightly and responds between her panting breaths. "Yes. I'm alright. Am just…all of this is new to me, it's quite overwhelming. I have been feeling different all the time and I've moreover not been too well lately." Whereupon, with a tone of wistfulness, she persists "I want to…but maybe not today."

Agreeing with a nod and licking his lips, Colin takes his hand off her leg and begins asking her "Have you…" before she interrupts him as she slips her hand back behind his neck and pulls his face closer again locking his eyes then says while glancing to his lips "But this we can…" Pen smirks at him and Colin returns the same before learning in and kisses her.

The kiss was tender this time, as if they were communicating with each other, expressing how much they cared, how much they loved one another. It then grew quite passionate and before they parted again it became tender. Neither wanted the kiss to end, it felt as though they had missed each other for a lifetime. Well, it felt like a lifetime actually. The longing, the teasing, the burning desire without being able to touch each other, without being able to feel each other's skin on their fingertips. It was hell indeed.

As they break the kiss, Pen smiles at Colin until she eventually laughs as Colin echoes. "God, I missed you Pen." he leans in to peck her one last time, holding her face with one hand as he gives her a concerned look. "I wanted to ask, you mentioned you were not well for a while, have you been feeling like this for a long period of time? If you wish, I can bring a physician to consult you."

Pen places a reassuring hand on his. "There's no need. I was already examined the other day and the physician mentioned that it was normal and that I just needed to rest." Colin felt comforted. "You must brief me on everything your physician told you. What to eat, what to avoid, your daily routine. We will look into it together. Alright?" His voice is gentle and caring, offering a warm smile. Pen nods, gazing at Colin in admiration, noticing the care further in his blue eyes.

Now that things were better Colin wished to stay with her, by her side, no matter in her house or somewhere else. But instead, he chose to respect her boundaries by not imposing until she desired the same herself. 'Perhaps in some days he will ask her if they can move in together if she doesn't', he thought.

"Colin?" His reflection broke as Pen cut him. "Yes?"

"Will you move in with me? I recognise this is not like the house you are accustomed to, but I would be more than happy to have you here with me." Smiling warmly, her voice is filled with hope as she studies Colin's expression full of optimism.

Staring at her in surprise with eyes vaguely broadened, Colin did not believe that she had just inquired about what he was contemplating in the first place. "What's the matter? Did I say something wrong?" Pen is puzzled observing his rounded eyes and staggered expression.

Shaking his head, Colin spontaneously answers. "No! No…I will also be delighted to live with you Pen, it's what I also desire, truly. I shall have my things organised tomorrow and settle everything at the hotel to move in with you by the latest after tomorrow."

His lips curve into a soft smile as he gazes at her. "Is it alright?" The joy he feels anticipating living with her is evident in his tone.

Pen nods and beams at him in a comforting tone. "It is perfect."

"Now!" Pen's eyes follow Colin as he quickly stands up. "You need to rest. I don't want to see you walking around or doing anything. You must do as your physician instructed you to."

"Colin! I am not the baby, do not treat me like one."

"Well, if you behave like a baby, I will treat you like one."

Pen softly sighs and shakes her head slowly with a dim smile at Colin's tease, then they both burst out laughing humorously together.

Colin then goes to get her maid to do her bed. As the maid enters her bedchamber along with Colin, she immediately apologises for fear of having caused trouble with her previous statement that day. "Mr Bridgerton, Ma'am. I deeply apologise. I hope I did not cause any issue, I was unaware of Mr Bridgerton's presence at that moment Ma'am, please excuse my carelessness."

To reassure her, Pen's tone is calm and gentle "It is alright. You actually helped us in a way." Pen glances at Colin and they share a common relieved expression on the matter in agreement.

"Oh!" The maid hesitated for a moment, then glancing at Colin and Pen back and forth, she acknowledges that their relationship has actually improved. "I am so glad to hear that. I hope it was for the better."

"It was." Pen replies with a warm smile.

"I am so pleased to hear that." Smiling both at Pen and Colin. "Let me prepare your bed Ma'am. You can wait outside meanwhile if you wish."

After exchanging glances, they exit her bedchamber to proceed to the drawing room.

Despite his reluctance, Colin chooses to let her rest for a while. "I will go now, Pen."

"Where are you going?" Pen asks, worried.

"I'll let you rest for a while, please do eat something afterwards. I will be back after not long, do not worry." he offers her a reassuring smile.

Pen nods. "Do come back for dinner."

"I will." Colin places a warm kiss on her hand, squeezing it before leaving. Her gaze follows his silhouette as he disappears in the end of the entrance before he turns, giving her a last tender glance. Her heart sank watching Colin go away but she realises he could not remain glued to her, and she reassures herself into thinking that he will be back.

After the maid made her bed, Penelope went to rest after she finally managed to eat some light vegetable soup. Reflecting on all that had transpired, she gradually fell asleep.

Back at his hotel, as Colin enters his chamber he feels a different aura. The aura when he left before meeting Pen emanated hopelessness and dejection whereby now he sensed a feeling of a new beginning, of comfort engulf him. Admittedly, he was unable to stop smiling joyfully all the way back and was afraid he might jinx his own happiness.

As he sits on his chair in his bedchamber, he lets out a deep sigh reflecting on what had just happened. Lost in his reminiscence, Colin's gaze darted about in recall of what had actually unfolded between him and Pen.

The fact that his wife was back in his life seemed almost unbelievable.

He actually came back to expeditiously organise his transfer from the hotel to Pen's.

Colin was unwilling to wait much longer. Even though he had informed Pen that he would move in the day after tomorrow, he was eager to make it feasible the following day itself. If he had the possibility, he would move right away with her. Colin was so keen to start his life together with her, his wife, all grudges finally over, all misunderstandings ultimately resolved.

Nevertheless, before making any arrangements he had to firstly write down about the events that had occurred today. It will not be a letter to Pen this time but rather a story in his personal travel diary. A story he's certain he will smile over every time he will read it.

After musing over the day's amazing situation and eventually getting up to move from the wonderful feeling he was experiencing on his contemplation, he takes his journal and proceeds to the balcony. Breathing in the fresh sea air he exhaled a sigh of relaxation while grinning at the prospect of the future, the future which he had for a moment thought his wife, the love of his life, the one he had almost believed he already lost not long ago, would not be a part of.

His wife and their child.

The sun would soon sleep but he would already be back at Pen's place by then. As much as he would love to sit and contemplate of the sunset, nothing seemed more desired now than his wife. One of his wishes had been to watch the sunset with Pen one day and now he was sure it would be fulfilled. Perhaps. he might ask her anytime soon.

As hundreds of future scenarios with his wife rushed his mind, Colin paused them to reflect back on what had already occurred. Thereafter, while appreciating the fresh air, Colin scribbled the happenings of the day in his diary, occasionally smiling and also glancing at the horizon to dream between his memories.

When her slumber starts to fade, Pen blinks as she opens her eyes. She lets out a last yawn before looking around. For a moment, she felt as though she was back in her bedchamber in the featherington house after having slept so deeply that her mind felt refreshed. Then gradually the reality with past events comes to her and looking around her room she realises she was in Scotland, in her rented house.

Then as she grew more conscious of the present and recalled the previous occurrences, Colin and her confession came to her mind, their hug, their kiss. She abruptly got up.

Colin attempts to assist the maid in setting the dinner table. Already back from his hotel, he decides to help as he knew Pen had only one maid and if she was not enough, Pen would step in to help thus despite his ignorance of the chores, he made an effort to lend a hand just to avoid Pen the work.

As they are arranging the table, Pen suddenly appears rushing to Colin, with a frightened expression. Both Colin and the maid stared at her in curiosity, worried she might not be well.

"Colin." her voice echoed fear.

"Pen! What happened? Are you alright? What is it?" Her condition makes him panic, and he wonders what may have arisen.

"Colin…" Pen walks up to Colin and cups his face with one hand and the other pressing on his arm, a tear unexpectedly rolls down her cheek. Seeing their closeness, the maid left, leaving them in privacy.

Their eyes lock and Pen's voice falters through her soft sobs. "Colin, I…I thought…I thought I was dreaming for a while. I thought all that had happened was a dream. I got scared." Staring in his eyes and quickly glancing over his entire body she continues "I thought it was a dream." After seeing Colin in her house, she realises she was not dreaming and feeling his skin validated that.

Colin gently places his palm on the one holding his cheek. "I am here, Pen." He then cups her face with both his hands slowly wiping off her tears with his thumbs as she sniffs between her faint sobs, reassuring her once again in a gentle voice while gazing in her eyes. "I am here." Bringing her closer and placing a soft kiss on her forehead as they both close their eyes, he whispers again convincingly, "I am here Pen, I will never leave you now. Never."

Then he takes her in for a hug and Pen hugs him back, placing her arms around his waist, embracing him tightly while she rests her head on his chest, feeling comforted in realising that her husband was actually there and that their union had actually happened as Colin is offering her solace in his arm. Slowly, her sobbing dwindled to silence.

After a while, Pen releases the hug and looks up at him, their arms still wrapped loosely on each other. Colin gives her a downward glance, his eyes still filled with worry and his tone calm. "Are you alright now?"

Pen nods. "I am."

"Shall we eat then?" Colin was hungry…obviously! He did not take much time to jump to the topic.

Penelope smiles teasingly. "When was the last time you ate Colin?" Colin lets out a soft laugh. "Now, come on!" Stepping back he takes her hands in his. "I am sure you must be feeling hungry too." Pen smiled at him. "And someone else as well." He motions to her stomach and Pen understands and nods. Even though she doesn't want this moment to end she is feeling peckish and she realises she is indeed hungry as her stomach rumbles. Their eyes both widen at that sound with a soft laugh.

Penelope had the habit of eating with either Mary or even her maid sometimes as she considered her maid a friend for being with her in time of utmost need. However even after requesting twice, she declined to join Penelope this time, preferring to allow her and Colin some time alone.

As they are eating, Colin places another piece of vegetable in Pen's plate and Pen is shocked. "Colin! I am full already!"

"You must eat more now. You already ate for yourself and now for little bridgerton." Pen gazes at him cheerfully and as their shimmering eyes connect they do not break contact, the corners of their lips curving to a smile. Both knew that this was what they had wished for and that it was actually happening and they both hoped for it to never end.

"I have to go to the market tomorrow to buy some stuff, for the house and…the baby." Pen feels a tingling sensation as she pronounces that word loudly in front of Colin. "Will you accompany me?"

"Of course!" Colin did not hesitate a moment, putting a large chunk of food in his mouth. Pen observes her husband as she enjoys the view of him eating as though he had been starving for days. The mere sight of him eating warmed her heart. She is delighted and thankful he was at the table with him, sharing a meal.

After a lot of merrymaking and playfulness, they finally finish their dinner and help to clear the table.

Following dinner, they both sat in the drawing room side by side, relishing on their closeness. Pen narrated to him the story of how she rented the residence and encountered Mary and William who were both genuinely helpful. Their shoulders and sides pressed against each other and their hands laced together, Pen told Colin about her adventures. She also talked about the wonderful friend Mary had been, almost like a sister and her son John who was so playful. "You should meet him, you'll definitely like him and I am sure he'll adore you too." She grinned at him as he stared at her lovingly.

"What is it?" She asks softly, noticing Colin observing her. "Do you want a son or a daughter?" Colin gently asks, staring in her eyes. She softly replied, still grinning at him "What? What kind of question is that? Colin, I just want a healthy child, the symbol of our love, whether it's a boy or a girl."

He cups her face with his free hand and adds "What I'm dreaming of is a daughter, just like you…" He curls her hair with his fingers "...the same red hair…" then caresses her cheeks "...the same eyes…" stroking her lips "...the same smile…" Colin's eyes darken as he takes in her features and Pen's cheeks blush a light pink as her heart flutters.

"Colin! Don't forget that the child can also take after the father." Penelope chuckles softly. "With all that hungry feeling I am sure it is a little Colin we will have." Colin beams at her and raises his eyebrows. "Oh really? Are you certain of that?" Pen jokingly nods as if she's certain. Colin smiles tenderly and cups her chin as he gazes into her eyes and glances on her lips and kisses her softly. "Well we can have more than one then. One that looks like you and one that looks like me." his voice calm. Pen's smile fades as she pouts. "One more?" She shakes her head disapprovingly and chuckles as Colin stares at her teasingly. "Let me see you handle one then we'll talk about another." Colin burst out of laughter.

Pen realises that it was quite late and it was time she retreated to bed. They had lost track of time as they were together. Colin bid her goodbye and left after giving her a peck on her forehead. "I will miss you Pen. Until tomorrow."

"I will miss you too. Have a good night." He tucked her in bed before leaving. Pen watched sadly as Colin exited her bedchamber.

'He will be here soon, by her side, she does not have much to wait for', she thought.

Before succumbing to her sleep, Pen reflected on all that had transpired on that day with Colin and her heart felt relieved. After a very very long time she would be able to actually sleep, as if a burden lifted off her. Even though she had been living in good condition when Colin was not present, part of her missed him. Even if she had tried to bury those feelings, she knew it would never disappear. Colin was a part of her and now she physically even contained part of himself within her body. As she stroked her stomach, Pen realised she had not yet met Mary since she left abruptly that day and she knew how Mary would be delighted to learn about her reunion with Colin.

The next morning, Colin arrived early to have breakfast. After the maid greets him, he spots Pen in the kitchen. Upon seeing him, Pen's eyes glowed. "Good Morning." She greets with a broad smile.

"Good Morning." With a returned smile, Colin gives her a light peck on the forehead to not make the maid uncomfortable. Pen was helping her prepare breakfast in the kitchen.

They both then sit down to eat. Pen hands him a toast and he takes a bite before notifying "Pen, I will not be present much today, perhaps not even until the evening. I will have to do all necessary preparations to relocate my belongings to live with you." WIth that he gives her a proud and joyful smile. Pen nods with a smile. "Of course."

After contemplating for a moment Colin decides to ask "Ummm…Pen, since I will be living here now, will you allow me to hire someone additional for you?" He gazes at her tenderly to make sure he didn't indicate he was taking over her house. "I do not wish to interfere nor impose but I do not want you to tire yourself in your condition and with the baby. There will be some arrangements to do which shall entail more work and..."

He peeks over to make sure her maid was not present even if he was not gossiping. "...and I noticed how exhausted your maid is. If she has additional help, she can breathe a bit. Although she's doing her best, I am sure she could use some help, so could you." Colin's voice is caring and he gives her a warm smile to ensure her comfort in the matter.

As much as Pen wanted to handle things as per her choice, Colin had a say in her life…their lives to be precise and if she was trying to be practical he was not wrong at all. Sometimes when her maid was sick she had to help her and one person is not enough. Furthermore with Colin coming to stay over now there would be even more work.

Pen nods in agreement. "Very well. You may hire someone additional."

"More than one?" Colin intends to hire two more but in a rented house like this having more than two maids would make their social class suspicious. "Only one more right now." Colin nods. "Alright." They complete breakfast and Colin leaves after giving her a soft kiss on her forehead.

Shortly after breakfast, Penelope goes to visit Mary before she departs for work. Mary is so happy to see her. Ever since Pen had abruptly left on that day to go meet Colin, she had not met Mary to provide an explanation. Mary couldn't afford a maid but only a child caretaker. Hence she did her household chores by herself and woke up early before going to work to occasionally catch up on her chores. She was thankful she had someone to at least take care of John in her absence or when she was occupied. "Penelope!" Mary was delighted at the sight of Penelope by the door. "Come in."

She had already completed her chores and was reading the newspaper. "I had not visited you for so long Mary and I supposed you were busy then I thought why not pay you a visit myself." Penelope takes a seat in her drawing room as she is radiantly smiling.

"How are you doing Penelope?" Mary is observing Penelope as the latter is taking her time to respond, contemplating an answer as she's smiling. "Oh my god Penelope, you are shining. You definitely don't look the same as when I last saw you. You must tell me the good news. I'm sure there's one. Am I right?"

Pen chuckles with a nod, her tone portraying excitement. "Yes! Yes, you are absolutely right Mary. Something happened."

"Really?" Mary beams and moves close to her, grabbing her arm. "You must tell me. Is it about Colin?"

Pen blushes slightly and nods again. "We are together Mary. It sounds so thrilling when I am saying this but I am so glad. It was rather complicated. I was not able to tell him about the baby myself but he eventually found out and I am so relieved he did."

"That's such great news my dear! How did he find out if you did not tell him?" Pen then explained how Colin heard and that she felt unable to tell him and needed some time. Mary understood exactly what she meant. "I totally understand, dear. It is not so easy to be vulnerable and disclose everything once you have felt wronged, mostly if it concerns someone you loved."

Pen was immensely and truly so pleased that Mary comprehended her. She was so thankful every time they had a conversation, Penelope felt listened to. "Oh thank you Mary, for being so understanding. It truly means a lot. You really do understand me and exactly how I feel, I could not ask for someone better." She presses Mary's hands softly and offers her a beaming smile. Mary returns her smile. "It's my pleasure, Penelope. I will always be there for you. I am also thrilled to have you in town. Can you imagine if I had a grumpy neighbour who came to visit me this early in the morning?" They both laugh heartily.

"You know, I feel like maybe if I told him it would not have been for now but I am so grateful it happened." Mary nods. "I am so glad you finally found your happiness Penelope."

"There's something else I need to discuss with you..." Pen lowers her eyes "...to ask…you in fact."

"What is it?" Mary gives her a curious look.

Following her brief hesitancy, Pen questions her about the delicate subject of getting intimate with her husband while being with child and Mary confirms its safety though she advises her to consult her physician to be certain. Pen understands and considers scheduling a consultation with her physician that day itself.

"Mary, I would be glad if you and John could join us tonight for dinner. Now that things are alright between me and Colin, I would be pleased to celebrate it with the two of you. Ever since I came to Scotland you have been a true friend to me, more like a sister. You are like family. I am sure Colin would be happy to have you as well." Her tone is warm and displays her care for them.

Mary smiles and presses her hand, nodding "Alright. We will be there, thank you for your invitation my dear." Pen smiles.

They chatted for a while until Pen left and Mary departed for work.

After making all the arrangements, settling his bills at the hotel and looking for carriages to shift his belongings, Colin finally came to live at Penelope's place. He arrived in the late afternoon. While witnessing all the items that were being brought inside, Pen had already figured out that Colin was already coming to live there, not the day after. An affectionate warmth filled her heart and her eyes sparkled upon seeing him arriving with a large smile on his face.

"Pen!" He places a soft kiss on her forehead, embracing her lightly with one warm. "I've come to live with you. I'm not going anywhere now."

Her whole face lit up. "I am so glad, Colin. You cannot imagine how happy I am." Colin's eyes are gleaming at her statement.

"Pen, there's something I wanted to ask you. I know it's a bit quick but since it is quite late and the sun is almost out, would you accompany me to watch the sunset? I had desired to go with you since the other day but you…" He pauses and adds, his voice sounding hopeful "Would you like to come with me?"

He had proposed they go to see the sunset together as he had done on their first meeting on the beach and this time Penelope agreed.

Pen's lips curve in a smile. "I will be glad to."

Colin beams at her. "Alright then. Go grab a coat."

"Now?!" Pen did not know it was right away.

"Well, yes, if you do not want to miss the best part of the colourful horizon."

"Give me two minutes then."

Colin nods.

Pen wore their first meeting seashells bracelet when she went to grab her coat. They both went to walk given how close the beach was. Pen herself used to visit by foot numerous times. Moreover, they both wanted to spend time with each other and it was the perfect getaway.

Penelope never came during sunset since she was alone and she felt safe accompanied by Colin.

As they stroll down the shore, Colin realises the fact that they were not back in Mayfair yet and that anytime he would want to return as he cannot live without his family even if Pen seemed more important. However, he chose to not raise the subject too soon since they had just gotten together and it was more than enough for him for now.

They both stop to contemplate the horizon. "It is truly beautiful." Pen is content that she had decided to come, she was amazed by the pastel colours of the sky at that precise time when looking over the horizon.

"I know." Colin is elated to see Pen happy as he glances at her. "I wish we could stay here forever.."

"...and admire the colours of the sky until the sun sets." Pen continues, having the same perspective and desire as her husband who was observing her. "I am grateful you brought me here Colin. It's truly beautiful."

Looking back at the view, he agrees. "It is…" Colin then gives a last glance to the horizon before turning his body to face hers, their eyes instantly meet when Pen instinctively also turns her body to face his. As the wind blows through their hair ruffling them, their eyes remain locked.

Their eyes locked in a shared understanding, conveying mutual words, conveying mutual feelings. Their smiling faces fade into an intense passionate stare, clearly reflecting their unconditional love. For a moment they felt as if nothing else mattered, no one else existed. Gazing into each other's eyes and listening to the waves crashing, they sensed as if the world around them faded.

Colin and Penelope Bridgerton had known one another for so long that just by looking in the eyes they could communicate what each of them was feeling.