Give Me Everything
Returning from his adventures abroad, Colin Bridgerton is startled by Penelope Featherington's icy reception, fueled by his insulting declaration at their ball last year. Determined to make amends, he embarks on a tempestuous journey of redemption and desire. Yet, winning Penelope's heart demands more than words and gestures; it requires unwavering devotion and vulnerability. In Mayfair's moonlit ballrooms, their secret courtship ignites a tumultuous passion, blurring the boundaries between friendship and desire. After all, aren't the most passionate of lovers those that were friends first?
Or.
When Penelope becomes determined to marry in her third year out in the marriage mart, and Colin finds the green eyed monster of jealousy constantly whispering in his ear. Especially when Penelope seems to be willing to grant everyone her attention.
Everyone but him.
Chapter 1: This is Insane
Depending on who you asked, the Bridgertons fell into two categories, the brilliant, kind and warm, or, conversely, rakish, daring, endearingly proper and deliciously salacious. It wouldn't take more than a few moments to decipher that the ones in the latter referred to the Bridgerton men, the brothers Anthony, Benedict and most recently Colin. The youngest of the older brothers had just returned to the town from a several months long stint exploring much of the world, France, Italy, Spain and even Greece. Even as he rode in, dirty and dressed more like a pirate than a wellbred English gentleman, Colin felt the world was new and fresh and something to explore wholeheartedly.
Pulling up to the sprawling Bridgerton manor, Colin hopped off the horse he had snagged from the livery near the station he had disembarked from. Well, he said hopped but really it was more of a disheveled fall from the blasted steed. It was ill timed really, his whole family was piled onto the front steps on their way out and as he fell all he could hear was Benedict's laugh and his mother's surprised shriek ("Colin!") .
Colin dusted himself off and was promptly swept up in embraces from his younger brothers and sisters, a resounding slap on the back from Benedict and a hug from Anthony.
"Brother!!"
"Trust Colin to make an entry, even if it is at his own expense." Anthony laughed and Colin felt his back crack as he picked up his bag from the ground and handed the reins off to the stablehand for the Bridgerton estate.
"It's not as if I planned it, it just happened." His eyes crinkled with mirth while he took in Francesca's outfit, bedecked as lovely as a princess and realized something.
"My God, you don't mean to tell me it's today?" The surprise was evident on Violet's face as she chided her son, who appeared flummoxed by the quick turn of events, even though the date and events had been planned for months at this point and had been known to him before he had left to galavant across the continent. .
"You can't have forgotten that easily? Your sister will be presented to the Queen today, and if Lady Luck smiles upon us again, perhaps we may have two diamonds in the family." Colin gave his sister a quick peck on the cheek and rolled his eyes at his mother.
"Well diamond or not, you look a vision Frannie, let me just run myself up to my chambers and change. I cannot be absent on such a day." He looked down at his worn trousers and stale shirt, he was a right state.
Eloise wrinkled her nose as he dashed past her up the marble staircase and yelled after him.
"Try bathing brother, a novel experience I'm sure but I fear we may all be arrested for attempted murder of Her Majesty by sheer odor otherwise."
Colin may or may not have responded with a word that was rather ungentlemanly.
Penelope sighed, tossing yet another letter onto the pile of now ten-something others that she had received from Colin over the summer months. She had read them of course, she couldn't not read them, not when Varley so loudly proclaimed the sender whenever she delivered them to her, and her sisters tittered that Penelope's charity friend had sent yet another hand out correspondence, (oh how she loathed the way they screeched his name when she took the letters upstairs with her). They were full of a dashing young man's tales of conquest over the European continent, stories of beautiful young women, daring adventures and experiences that Penelope could only ever hope to see in her dreams.
It was childish but she felt irate that Colin was afforded these luxuries by virtue of the simple fact that he was a man, and yet she was also proud of him, for finding himself abroad, almost as proud of him as she was angry, (She was going to give herself whiplash from all these conflicting emotions, she was sure of it).
She looked at them, piled atop her mahogany desk, mocking her with their words. Colin kept writing to her, even though she hadn't responded even once. Everytime she tried, she kept hearing his laughing words to Lord Fife. Her eyes filled with tears, recalling the mockery in his tone, threatening to spill down her cheeks.
"I would never dream of courting Penelope Featherington. Not in your wildest fantasies, Fife."
It had stung more than she would care to admit. Yes, she had loved him in someway since childhood and on some level, Penelope knew that it would remain nothing a but a torch she would always carry for him in the privacy of her own heart but to hear him say clearly and with such disdain that such a thought wasn't even possible, even in the most fantastical of dreams, was insult beyond injury.
It also made her bridle with fury, when had she ever asked him to do such a thing? Why would he disparage her in such plain words ? Not only was he making it clear he didn't think of her that way, but now everyone knew he didn't. And if a Bridgerton was staying clear of her, then it would be a signal to the others to keep their distance. She had scarcely believed her own ears, hearing him say such cruel words and could only flush in embarrassment when the other men erupted in laughter while Colin downed his drink.
That night had been hell, her row with Eloise, coupled with that had almost pushed her over the edge, Penelope had been inches away from begging her Mama to leave her in the countryside, wanting to avoid having to face not only the Bridgertons but the whole of the ton. The only reason she did not was because she knew there was no chaperone to watch her and spinster though she may be, it was still too improper and too dangerous.
So she had returned, against her will, and resolved to avoid the Bridgertons in their entirety, she had no prospects anyhow, maybe she could avoid going out at all?
Penelope began to pace, muttering under her breath, it was a pretty idea, but even she knew it was impractical. It would hurt their reputations if one of the Featheringtons became a recluse, especially after the scandal of last season with their cousin. She growled in frustration, looking at the sheet waiting for her quill, there was also the question of Lady Whistledown, if she stayed home, then Whistledown would have nothing to report.
She went to sit down by the window, resigned to her fate and watched as she often did across the square to Bridgerton House, it was a bustle of activity and as her luck would have it, she chose to sit just as the bane of her summer revealed to have returned.
Her head thunked back on to the pane of the window, red curls cascading down the side of her neck and all she could do was whisper to herself.
"What now, Lady Whistledown?"
When Penelope left the house a few days later, she was accompanied by her maid as she traveled to the modiste in order to prepare her wardrobe for the coming balls of the season. Dressed on of her own accord today, Penelope had forgone the typical loud hairstyles with feathers and gaudy colors for a more natural style, her hair remained coiffed but it was more subtle, with the curls loose, cascading over her shoulders and primly covered with a bonnet secured by a simple peach colored ribbon, one which complimented her baby blue day dress, overlaid with singular flowers of the same color as the ribbon. She looked shapely, as if she were finally becoming comfortable in her own skin, moving easily from place to place, even greeting several acquaintances as she perused items.
Indeed, she painted a different picture altogether than in her usual presence, trailing behind Portia, Prudence, and Philippa. She felt different too, especially since she was alone, she was able to duck into many different stores, take a look at jewels that felt more her taste and even paid a visit to the stationer to buy her own paper and ink and the bookstore, where she surreptitiously used her own money to procure a copy of Pride & Prejudice. She saw the maid's disapproving frown at the novel, considered by far and wide to be vulgar reading material for a woman of her breeding, but Penelope found she slipped her a few coins, the help was rather willing to glance the other way.
So book in hand, Penelope exited the store, eager to return home and begin a new adventure, taking a deep breath as she let the door close behind her. The air was so crisp, so clear, the whole of the town felt as though it were out and about today. Every person bustling this way and that, preparing for their own hopes and dreams, a feeling of palpable excitement hung in the air, in the excited chattering of young maidens gossiping about eligible bachelors and mamas discussing the ways in which to snare a man. There were young maids scurrying from bakeries and modistes with piles of boxes and bags in hand. And at the center of it all stood Penelope, able to take it all in, without reprimand or rebuke from her sisters or mother.
In this moment, she felt.. Free. Like a bird whose wings had been clipped but was learning to fly through the injuries, no matter how stilted the journey maybe. She wished that she could share these moments with someone, but she was utterly alone, entirely as a result of her own folly. Penelope gazed down High Street, wondering if she could find some way to atone for her sins to Eloise.Behind her, her maid murmured that Lady Featherington would be wanting Penelope home soon, so she took one last look at the lively streets before and turned to walk back to the carriage with her purchases.
Of course, being Penelope, she turned right smack into someone, feeling them let out a surprised "oof" when they collided.
"Oh!" She gasped at the impact, stumbling back a step, her bags and book slipping from her grasp as she lifted her hand to touch her nose which had been squashed against the wool coat of the mystery man. Gentle hands reached out to steady her and she heard the familiar charming laugh that she had grown up loving.
"Ah Penelope, I might have known I would find you coming from the bookstore, you would be the only woman aside from Eloise to find any pleasure there." Looking down at her was Colin Bridgerton, sun kissed and rugged, clearly the months away had done him good. He looked chiseled, with his brown hair lifting slightly in the wind and the roguish grin he gave her set the butterflies in her stomach aflutter. And still, Penelope felt her own expression completely shutter, willing all of her emotions to disappear and replaced with a taut, bland smile that didn't reach her eyes as she bowed her head a slightly to greet him. She was determined not to be seen as some kind of pining fool who would wax on about someone who clearly had no interest in them. It was time to think of herself for once.
"Good Afternoon Mr. Bridgerton, what a pleasant surprise seeing you here, I take it your travels across the continent proved fruitful and fulfilling?"
Colin's bright smile faltered at the blatant politeness in Penelope's voice. Her countenance was rigid, closed off and maybe even annoyed. He could see she was stiff and wound tightly, reminding, reminding him of birds he had seen often on the road, skittish and ready to fly away at a moments notice. He had never known her to be cross, at least not with him. He wondered what had happened to make her so while she was shopping. Colin thought maybe needling her a little would lighten her mood. He glanced at the book on the ground and bent to pick it up.
"Romance? Never knew you to read such drivel, Pen," He waved the book in front of her and was satisfied to see the crimson blush break though her stoic expression and color her face. She made to snatch it and was incensed when he pulled it away from her. She resisted the urge to fall into familiar patterns with him because she knew it was precisely that which he wanted her to do. Penelope struggled to control herself and held out her hand, the picture of poised femininity.
"I don't believe I have to explain my choice of reading material to you, sir, some of us know the limits of that which we can experience in life, and thus seek to find it elsewhere. If only so that we may pretend to experience it ourselves." Colin's mouth gaped open as she reached out to pluck it out his hand and tucked it into her bag. The ice in her tone was entirely new to him, there had been not one flash of affection in her countenance.
"If you'll excuse me then, I hope you have a pleasant outing Mr. Bridgerton."
With that, she was gone, leaving Colin completely lost. If there had been anything he had been counting on since his return, it was warm, kind, happy Penelope. Comfortable Penelope. To see her treat him this way, made him feel as though he were adrift in the ocean with no tether. What on earth was happening?
Her silhouette fading into the distance, her cool demeanor left him momentarily stunned, a chill lingering in the air long after she had departed
Chapter 2: Someone Like You
Colin walked to the carriage practically in a daze, he kept replaying the last 10 minutes in his mind. Bumping into Pen here hadn't been out of the realm of question so when he had run into her, Colin had considered it good luck and was only going to inquire as to why he hadn't received a single piece of correspondence from her all summer. But then he'd seen her face and something was just…wrong.
The way the youngest Featherington had looked at him, there was no warmth, no joviality, none of that which he had come to associate Penelope with. Normally, her eyes would have brightened at the sight of him and a small, delicate smile would have played over her lips as she spoke softly to him, sometimes even cleverly with sharp rebuttals that made both of them laugh. But here, she was felt as though she were putting up a wall, that much was clear with the way she emphasized the use of his family name. But more peculiar still was the way she had defended her choice of reading. He wondered what she meant when she said it would be the only way to experience it?
Colin was rudely returned to the present by Eloise's sharp elbow in his rib.
"Ouch!" Eloise looked at him smugly while he nursed his bruised belly.
"As I was saying Brother, what's got you all turned around?"
Colin made a show of pretending he was going to jab her back, watching in satisfaction as Eloise curled up to defend herself, then brought his hands back down.
'It is nothing," Hyacinth kicked her feet idly on the seat opposite them not really paying attention to them, more enthralled by the scenes of London passing them by.
"If it's nothing then why do you look so concerned?" Gregory inquired, "is it because Miss Penelope would not talk to you?"
Eloise's eyebrows shot up as she glanced at her brother who stiffened slightly, avoiding eye contact with her.
"She would not speak to you?" Colin shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his collar now feeling overly tight and the scrutiny of his sister weighing on him.
"That is not what happened. She was simply in a hurry and was hurried home by her chaperone."
"I heard her," Gregory said brightly, in the way that only children can so innocently bring to light the private conversations of others. "She said 'if you'll excuse me then, Mr. Bridgerton .' She doesn't even call Anthony that, and he's the Viscount, does she call you that? I thought you were friends?"
"Mr. Bridgerton?" Eloise was now completely interested, "What on earth did you do? She's been calling you Colin since we were children." Colin was annoyed by the constant questioning and snapped back.
"Why don't you ask her then, you're the very dearest of friends, I'm sure she'll tell you everything." It was now Eloise's turn to look uncomfortable, a fact that Colin noticed immediately. "It is odd, I have been home a week now and Penelope has yet to come calling on you or mother for tea. It was almost a daily occurrence, is there a reason why she has not been invited?"
Eloise folded her hands primly in her lap and looked out the window, avoiding the eyes of everyone in the carriage.
"No reason. We have simply grown apart."
There was nothing to say after that, was there? The rest of the trip home was silent save for the chattering of the two youngest Bridgertons and gave welcome respite for both Eloise and Colin, who would have otherwise been lost in thought, both thinking of their dear friend, Penelope.
Penelope all but ran into her chambers once returning home to the Featherington Estate. Her face felt aflame as she shut the doors behind her and pulled the lock shut, stepping on the small wooden stool she had procured to help her reach high places.
It felt like she couldn't breathe and she began to pull at the ties of the bonnet on her head to giver some relief. It fell off her head and she sagged against the frame of the door, looking at her feet where she had dropped her purchase, the novel she bought fallen askew, pages bent. She knelt down, picking up the novel and smoothing out the pages.
She had known Colin was home from his travels but to run into him so abruptly had completely taken her off course. She didn't know until the moment he appeared in front of her how angry she was with him. In theory of course, she was furious, but she had no idea she was capable of not just melting at the sight of him. She thought she might crumble at the behest of his charms, which were admittedly hard to refuse, but the hurt was so strong that she was able to overcome his smile and his familiarity.
Below her, Penelope heard her mother speaking to Philippa and Prudence loudly, discretion in the household had never been her strong suit, so Penelope was treated to a rather long tirade from her mother about the necessities of becoming with child to procure an heir. When their sisters protested, Portia could be heard declaring to all and sundry that this was their chance to continue the family since Penelope's chances were slim to none this year and her fate was to spend her life living with her mother in a widow estate, caring for her mother.
Penelope was aghast, and realized she had become too complacent, buying into Eloise's words about the triviality of marriage and its uselessness in the modern world. There was one stark difference between Eloise and Penelope that should have been as plain as the day was bright to her. Eloise would not end up caring for her mother in her old age, she would be free, with her brother's support, and she would not be referred to as poor Eloise because it would be abundantly apparent that for her, spinsterhood was a choice . For Penelope, it was nothing more than an inevitability. It would be known to all that there was nothing about it that had been her choice, it was simply that no one would have her.
She shuddered at the thought of living with her mother well into her twilight years, remaining at the beck and call of someone who genuinely thought of her as a crutch and not her own person.
It was then that Penelope decided, quite resolutely, that this season was for herself. She would find a man - a husband - and settle down. She would find someone to take care of her. All she needed to do after all was to sire an heir, a child, for the man, a child for her to love. She could do that. She paused, in the midst of her undressing, having begun to do so without thought as she planned her course of action. There would be no talk of silly things like love and passion.
Love?
She yanked off her underthings and tried to wiggle into her day gown as an image of Colin flashed through her mind, the way he would walk with her, the way he smiled at her, the way he - she shook her head and firmly told herself to stop, tying the sash loosely under her bust. She had spent her life harboring feelings for him, feelings that were not reciprocated, and would have her laughed out of the ton should anyone come to find out.
Love was not necessary. Her own parents' marriage of tolerance had taught her that. She had considered it, thought of it as a fantasy, harbored hope that she may find it herself one day, but that notion had been destroyed before she could even begin to truly think of it.
No, she resolved, as she opened her wardrobe to find that the maid had delivered some previously ordered gowns inside in anticipation of tomorrow's ball, the first of the season, she would not pretend to be worthy of such things.
Friendship, acceptance, and kindness. That was all she could hope to have. She would even accept apathy, so long as it meant freedom. Penelope knew then that this season would be her last. Either she married or she would remain a spinster, a failure to be trapped under mother's thumb for time immemorial. She pulled a gown of shimmering fabric, a daring neckline and prepared herself, sliding her hand down the length of it, admiring its feel.
This time, she would not be an observer.
The irony of the statement was that as Penelope planned for her future, planned for her own sake, for once, she was the one under observation. But how was she to know that across the square, sat a man in the drawing room of his family room, surrounded by raucous laughter and running children, completely drawn to the window, staring at the Featherington Estate, hoping to catch a glimpse of her even if it was woefully inappropriate.
The night was aglow with candlelight, painting every surface in the colors of flame, which paired with the cool summer night, felt magical to Penelope as she came into the event following her mother and married sisters inside. She had kept her cloak on because she found herself horribly shy and loath to remove it. However, once a footman approached her to take it, Penelope found herself with no way to refuse and slowly removed the fabric, acutely aware of how the onlookers watched her, feeling the weight of every gaze. She saw Eloise and Cressida's eyes widen and even some of the men watched her with something she might have mistaken as interest if she wasn't already privy to their thoughts of her from last year.
She heard her mother gasp inaudibly behind her, and as they walked down the stairs, Portia grabbed her arm and whispered in her ear.
" Darling, where are the gowns I bought for you? You would look so much better in that pink dress I bought you." She politely bowed her head to a passing gentleman and hissed back, thinking quickly on her feet, feeling her mother pinching the skin on her exposed arm.
" They no longer fit, I needed to improvise." Her mother made a frustrated noise in the back of her throat and dropped her hand from her elbow.
"You should have been more careful dearest." She shook her head in defeat. "That was the last thing I could do to help you. Just try not to wear anything too displeasing, if we are to be part of society, one must adhere to the rules of propriety. Especially after the scandal with Jack. Do not embarrass me."
Penelope could only look to the ground as her mama tsked once more at her and then left, without saying one complimentary word to her about her looks. She could hear her telling Philippa that it was her choice to wear such dour clothes, if she wanted to. She was washing her hands of her daughter, at this point, three years in, there was no hope. Better to focus on the things that mattered.
Squaring her shoulders, Penelope tried to not to look at the other women, feeling more alone than ever, as she made her way to the refreshment tables. She picked up a glass of tart lemonade and sipped it carefully. The rouge on her lips was new and she didn't know how well it would fare over the course of the night. A shadow fell across the table and she heard a low voice behind her call her name. She knew who it was of course, even before he spoke. She had been infuriatingly aware of his presence from the moment she entered the room. Just the idea of him being this close to her sent a traitorous thrill through her.
"Good evening, Pen."
It hadn't been hard to spot her, she stood out, always had. Her hair was a beacon in the dark, glowing by the lamplight like liquid gold, and it made it quite simple for Colin to pick her out of the crowd. Of course her sisters and mother sported the same hair, but it was nothing like Pen's. He wasn't quite sure what had happened in their last encounter but tonight Colin was resolved to have his friend back. If he had slighted her in some way, then he would make amends. It was no difficult task at all.
She looked wonderful, dressed in a more mature color than he had ever seen her wear. It complimented her wonderfully and made her pale skin seem soft to the touch in contrast. He liked what she had done to her hair as well, he could see more of it now and he wondered why she had not worn it down before. The look suited her well.
"See something you like Colin?" He nearly jumped out of his skin to find Viscountess Kate Bridgerton at his side.
"You gave me a fright, I did not know you were there." Kate smiled, the look was equal parts apologetic and playful.
"Apologies, I did not mean to startle you, I merely wanted to know what has you so completely transfixed this evening? Your eyes have not ceased following Miss Featherington since her entrance."
Colin blinked in surprise at the rather blunt observation and cursed himself for the stuttering of his tongue as he tried to answer.
"Following? You are mistaken, I was only looking for her as she is a dear friend. I haven't seen her in some time and was looking forward to getting reacquainted. In fact, I'll be heading over to offer her a dance." At Kate's raised eyebrow, he hurried to add. "It's Pen , " he said as if it explained anything, "She does not count." Behind him, there was a small flurry of giggles though when he turned to look, none of the ladies were looking at him.
"I see." Colin found he did not like the gaze under which he found himself at the current moment. Kate hesitated, appearing as though she wanted to say something.
"Colin, I think you should know - "
"Darling, what are you doing over here?" Anthony came weaving through the crowd to find his wife. "Come, Lady Danbury has requested to speak to you."
Kate glanced at Colin, recognizing she had lost her chance, and waved as she took Anthony's arm. All at once, Colin found himself alone again, but not for long as he could sense the matchmaking mamas sharpening their claws to sink into him. He all but scurried away, ending up behind Penelope as she drank from a frosted glass. He stood behind her a moment, letting her have her moment, before leaning down slightly to say her name.
Penelope did not jump, she did not turn swiftly as she had done before. She tensed for a moment, as he waited for her to turn. When she did, he made sure to smile as charmingly as he could, waiting for the smile she gave him, the one that used to light up her eyes.
Except that when he saw her, her gaze was not warm at all. Instead it was a carefully neutral expression, making him feel like he was looking at a mask and not a person.
"Good evening Mr. Bridgerton. Are you well?" He laughed uncomfortably, she looked away, fiddling with her dance card, and then back up at him when he responded. She was so small in front of him, even when she was irate, she looked to him like just his best friend. Although he could not recall when it was that she had suddenly become so mature. Everything about her demeanor had changed.
"Come on, Pen, since when have you referred to me as Mr. Bridgerton?" She gestured around them to the other guests.
"Since we are in polite society. I would appreciate you calling me by my family name as well." Now her tone was downright icy. When he could think of nothing to say, she bowed slightly in his direction and turned to make her departure.
Colin was completely nonplussed. She had never spoken to him that way before. She had always called his name softly, and followed obediently where he went. He could not fathom the change of behavior.
And it did not get any better. Over the course of the night, he saw Penelope stand where she usually did, with a drink in hand in the corner. But then, he watched her take the hand of a young gentleman and let him guide her out onto the floor to dance. Two more dances went by like this, though when Colin attempted to request a dance, Penelope feigned exhaustion and went to sit instead near the ladies, a hard place for him to reach. When she rose to retrieve a refreshment for herself, his offer to procure one for her was denied as well.
Colin was beginning to get frustrated. How was he to fix whatever was wrong if she wouldn't even speak with him?
Almost giving hope, he found an opportunity when Colin saw her duck out of the hall and onto the balcony on the fair side of the ballroom. It took him only a second to make the decision to follow her. Colin knew it would not be proper, but he couldn't just let her walk away.
Making sure that he went unnoticed, Colin slipped out of a side door, trying to catch her. When came to the corner of the building on her side of the balcony, he couldn't help but stare. Something was wrong with this night. The way the moon shone, it made her hair gleam, and her skin seem creamy white. Her eyes glittered in the night, and her silhouette cut a striking figure, ethereal and arresting in ways he had never noticed before. The longer he looked, the more he felt like he couldn't breathe. It was only when his eyes traveled downward, unbidden that he forced himself out of his reverie. Being out here was improper enough, to be ogling her - however platonically, and it was platonic , he insisted - it would not look right at all if they were seen.
So he made his presence known, by clearing his throat. She yelped, yanking her shawl closer to her and peered around suspiciously for the source of the sound. Penelope only relaxed when her gaze landed on Colin and at least she knew she was not in danger. That didn't mean she wasn't incredibly annoyed by his actions.
" Mr. Bridgerton, what on earth are you doing?!" Her whisper came out as a hiss as she looked around, anxiously hoping no one had seen them.
"I'm here to check on you. You seem… vexed with me Pen. Are things not well? Between us, I mean?"
Here, Penelope's eyebrows practically shot up over her eyebrows and she let out a disbelieving laugh.
"Alrigh - I - " She almost wrung her hands, but then stopped. Colin could see it happening again for the umpteenth time. Penelope was withdrawing into that mask she had created and was making to run again.
"This is highly improper. We should not be out here. On our own, unchaperoned. I am returning inside." She whirled around to leave, and all he could was stand in front of her.
"Talk to me. What is the matter? All summer I have written to you, in the mornings and evenings, I must have sent you dozens of letters. You did not write me back. " His eyes searched hers, finding them obstinate and unmoving.
"Are you going to make me say it? " He waited for her response and when he received none, he plowed forward. "I miss you."
She almost scoffed, taking him aback. He had expected her to smile at this, to look down and say "really?" as she would have usually done.
"You miss me?" She repeated his words back, the message sounding like a mockery to him now. His brow furrowed as he nodded in affirmation.
"You miss me but you would not court me?"
And just like that, the world slid out from under his feet.
She stared at him expectantly, her eyes locked onto his, daring him to answer. All he could do was stutter.
"I -"
"I never asked you to court me, Colin." The use of his name brought reality crashing down around him. " I never asked anything of you, and yet you would disparage me like that? Amongst your friends? Men of the ton? Men who would have maybe looked my way if it were not for that you stated so plainly that to court me would be nothing short of a nightmare."
"I never -" He protested, horrified by the implications of her words.
"You made it quite clear." She sniffed and Colin felt a wave of shame course through him as he realized she held back tears. "I am the laughing stock of the ton, even when I change my wardrobe, but I expected that. What I did not expect was for my oldest friend to be this cruel."
She wiped her red rimmed eyes and having said her piece, Penelope gathered her shawl back around her and swiftly left the balcony, abandoning Colin in the moonlight.
"Something on your mind brother?" Benedict could not help but notice that the normally jovial Colin was lost in thought on their ride home. Eloise and Francesca had departed earlier in the night. It was just the four of them, Anthony, Kate, Benedict and Colin in the carriage.
He shook his head. He wouldn't even know where to begin.
"It is nothing. I am simply tired."
"This wouldn't have anything to do with you pursuing Miss Featherington around the hall would it?" Colin's head snapped in Benedict's direction, eyes warning him not to continue, however Kate just nodded and added.
"I'm sorry Colin, but it was rather obvious. You spent much of your time in pursuit. It is a wonder more people did not notice," Colin sunk defeatedly into the plush cushions of the seat.
"She wouldn't speak with me." He said, omitting the reason. His shame was bad enough, he did not want his brothers and more importantly his sister - in - law to think less of him. All that flew out the window though as Benedict responded to him.
"Well, you cannot expect her to after you declared to every eligible bachelor that you , Colin Bridgerton, would never court Penelope Featherington. Not in your wildest dreams. " Anthony shook his head in disappointment. Colin sat up straight, shock plastered all over his face. If he were not so surprised, he would be cross with Benedict for saying it so plainly.
"How on earth do you know about that?" Benedict looked at him quizzically.
"Whatever do you mean? Penelope heard it herself, she was standing right behind you." Colin rubbed a frustrated hand over his face.
"And how do you know that?"
"It said so in Whistledown."
Chapter 3: No Air
Normally, after a ball such as the one tonight, the Bridgertons would convalesce in the drawing room to have a late night snack and revisit the events of the night. Most of the time it would be expressions of astonishment over choices of clothing, or who was beginning to court whom. The beginning of the season was often like this. Last year, it was the talk of the town when Edwina had become the woman Anthony had set his sights on and then of course, other scandals had arisen to forefront. Overall, a rather eventful season, much like the one before.
Colin paid no heed to the lively conversations that echoed around him as he alighted from the carriage before Bridgerton Manor and strode purposefully inside. Unbeknownst to him, as he bypassed the drawing room, Lady Violet would be observing him intently as he dismissed the offers of refreshment from both Benedict and Anthony, who inquired after his well-being following the long journey home.
It was scarcely had he entered his chambers, slamming the weighty wooden doors behind him, that Colin began pacing. It was dreadful enough to realize he had caused Penelope such distress, but to discover that not only had she been privy to his words, but they had also been disseminated throughout the ton, revealing his cowardice, was utterly infuriating. It was Fife's uncouth interrogation that had caught him off guard, and Colin's own failure was in failing to offer a discreet response, opting instead to wound his oldest and dearest friend.
Sat dimly lit by flickering candlelight, Colin's agitation was palpable. His steps echoed against the polished wooden floor, the heavy drapes of the windows drawn tightly shut against the prying eyes of the outside world, creating an atmosphere of secrecy and seclusion.
All of a sudden, Colin found the cravat tied around his neck to be entirely too tight and he scrambled to remove it, his frustration only mounting the longer it took to take it off.
Why in the devil's name had he uttered such words? He found no justification within himself whatsoever. As the cravat finally yielded to his irritated tugs, he hurled the offending strip of cloth into a forgotten corner of his chamber. The memory of Penelope's pained expression, her eyes betraying hurt while she struggled to contain tears, while recounting his words, and the subtle tremor in her voice as she placed the blame squarely at his feet for the altered treatment by men, would linger in his mind for many days to come.
He scrubbed a hand over his face and flopped onto the bed. She was properly upset with him as well. This wasn't a child's quarrel. He had damaged her honor. Not in the conventional illicit way, but nonetheless, she felt that she was ruined. And he would have to take responsibility. But he was completely at a loss of where to begin.
There wasn't much time to ruminate for him however as there was a sharp knock on his door, followed by the voice of his brother.
"Brother, are you still awake? May I enter?" Colin begrudgingly bade him entrance, only to sit up more formally when Kate followed her husband inside his room. He was suddenly very aware of the disarray of his room, more specifically, the tossed items of clothing everywhere. He hadn't quite finished unpacking and had told the housekeeper to let him do it instead. Only he hadn't actually set aside time to do it. He quickly picked up the pile of shirts on the settee in the sitting area of his room.
Kate sat down, pretending she hadn't noticed the shirts and seemed like she was considering where to begin. There was a beat where Colin thought she might just continue to stare at him, the gaze slightly unnerving in the way he felt she was assessing his every emotion. They hadn't had much interaction outside of dinner and the parlor when everyone gathered to tea and biscuits.
"Colin, may I ask what happened when you spoke to Miss. Featherington tonight?" He swallowed. He was uncertain whether he wanted to revisit this matter with his sister-in-law. It hardly seemed a suitable subject for discussion with her, however, in the same breath, with Eloise refusing to engage where Penelope was concerned he had no other recourse.
Sensing his discomfort, she leaned forward slightly, her eyes were tired, and Anthony was definitely a little antsy behind her, surely wondering what his wife wanted to say, but stayed silent.
"I only ask because it was very clear that she was still upset," Colin winced at her succinct appraisal of the situation. "As she well should be, but did she mention why in particular it upset her?" Colin blinked at that.
"Whatever could you mean why? I would think that it was perfectly clear? I maligned her in front of an audience of my peers. Anyone of whom could have been a fine marital prospect."
Kate exchanged a glance with Anthony, and Colin found he did not like the looks at all.
"Colin, the issue was not in your removing her prospects, as you have called them, thought it is no small part of it, but in reality what has caused her pain is your involvement. Anthony has described your relationship to me. Do you not perceive that the greater blow would be the understanding that you, her friend, believed her unsuitable for courtship?""
"I never—" Anthony's brows arched at his vehement defense.
"Brother, are you truly attempting to justify yourself in this? Even were I to consider your explanations, I am compelled to ask what other intention could you possibly have harbored in saying this, especially to your peers?"
For that Colin had no answer. Kate's eyes softened, it was not as if he had no guilt regarding his behavior. It was closer to being confused at how any of this had come to pass.
"The solution is plain. You have offended her, and if you seek to regain her favor, you possess but one method. This is not merely a matter of offering regrets. You must make amends.""
"How am I meant to ask for forgiveness when she will refuse to speak to me?" Anthony could contain himself no longer, and remarked acidly.
"Colin Bridgerton, if you allow her ire to dissuade you, then it appears that your travels abroad have done little for you in the ways of education."
Colin had never asked for someone's forgiveness before however, he was hopeful she would be amenable. It was Penelope after all. She couldn't remain upset with him eternally. In the wake of his conversation with his brother and his wife, he resolved to obtain a bouquet of the loveliest blooms. Flowers were always a great start to any apology, at least that was what literature had led him to believe. Amidst the bustling streets of Mayfair, he had traveled to the finest florist, where fragrant blossoms of every hue adorned the shop.
Selecting the most exquisite white roses, Colin arranged them with care, mindful of each stem's placement and the message they conveyed. As Colin strolled through the bustling streets, bouquet in hand, he was taken aback to see Penelope amidst the crowd, speaking to a gentleman in casual conversation under the strict supervision of her maid.
A surge of something unknown swept over Colin as he watched them interact. He couldn't shake the feeling of unease, knowing how vulnerable Penelope could sometimes be, and was , considering her shy smile. He desperately wished to tell Penelope to not let just any man bring such an expression to her face. Colin waited a moment, observing the man kiss her hand and then take his leave.
Penelope watched him leave and then seemed to take a moment to herself, almost as though she was telling herself that she had succeeded. The smile remained on her lips, the first one he had seen on her since he had returned, but it was quickly as her eyes met his.
The mask slid back over her expressions and she began to turn away from him. Colin couldn't let the chance pass by and followed as she walked towards the carriages and past the green park of Wrotham.
"Penelope, wait!" He sensed a hesitation in her, as if she entertained the notion of stopping, but ultimately, she seemed to compel herself to disregard him and carry on.
He ran the rest of the way until he was nearly beside her, coat flapping out behind him. SHe seemed to be committed to avoiding acknowledging his presence.
"Penelope, please." His imploring stopped her and she stood stiffly, barely glancing up towards him. He was given the most bare bones of a polite greeting and then was met with silence. Normally, Penelope would be eager to start a conversation with him and her lack of effort truly stung. Colin waited expectantly in the silence and felt the weight of it, including the heaviness of the bouquet behind him. He wanted to do this privately, and motioned to the park across the way and a bench off to the distance. .
"May we speak?"
Penelope's eyes widened and she surreptitiously stepped further away from him, as if he had burned her. Her whole countenance was bristling with what she considered an indecent proposal with no regard for her reputation.
"Mr. Bridgerton. What you are asking of me is incredibly inappropriate! We are in public!" Colin was stubborn however and continued to entreat her, his mind petulantly noting that she had had no such qualms about openly conversing with an unknown man in the middle of the street.
"Your maid is right here. We are not unchaperoned, after all." He gestured to the woman who had a decidedly unpleasant look on her face, scrunched up like she had tasted a tart pastry. Penelope considered it for a moment and Colin put himself squarely in her field of vision. He knew she would be stubborn, she always had been since she was a child, but that was alright. Colin could be more stubborn. Between the two of them, Colin was sure he would emerge victorious. His mother did always tell him he was more obstinate than a horse once he got something into his head.
Penelope, perhaps sensing this, sighed in defeat. She began to walk towards the lush green interior of the park. There were only a few people in the path as the time for promenading had long since passed. Her maid tutted disapprovingly behind them but they both ignored her. She went to stand some distance away as they both found themselves under a tree, a willow, and Penelope sat, once more refusing to really look at him.
He took a moment to breathe, still unsure of how to proceed. He had this great bouquet of flowers behind his back and he was sure he looked like a fool withholding them like that but he also did not want to just throw flora at her and hope for the best.
Penelope for her part was content with sitting on the bench and taking in the people milling about the park. Her cheeks flushed from the heat, she fanned herself gently with her hand. He couldn't help but notice how the sun's rays danced on her skin, adding to the warmth of her complexion. It was the first time he had noticed such a thing and he was admittedly a little confused by its sudden presence in his mind. Then his gaze began to follow the movement of her fingers and the way her hair floated gently in the breeze. When he got to her eyes, he realized that he had been lingering over her for what was perhaps a moment too long, her expectant gaze was squarely aimed at him.
He coughed in sudden discomfort and realized he needed to first accomplish what he had come here for.
"Penelope - " He found himself coming up short, not knowing how to proceed and tried again. "Pen, what you heard, last season, was nothing more than a fool running his mouth. I could never want to hurt you. I simply - "
Penelope raised an eyebrow and repeated the ending of his sentence.
"You simply - ?"
"I simply, " hanging his head, Colin admitted to her " I simply became embarrassed at the scrutiny and could not think of a civilized manner in which to extricate myself. Instead, I used my oldest friend as a shield through which I deflected their inquiries. For that I shall forever be ashamed of my cowardice. I never meant to hurt you. I could not live with myself if you truly believed that I felt that way. Please accept these as a token of my deepest regrets and as a promise to never betray your trust again."
Colin pulled out the bouquet he had been poorly hiding behind his back and presented it to Penelope. Behind them, Colin saw the maid's eyes go wide and begin muttering, looking around them to see if anyone was watching. They could rot for all Colin cared. He knew it was toeing the line between propriety and indiscretion, but he could not bring himself to worry about it, not when Penelope was staring at the flowers with her mouth slightly open.
He found himself drawn again to look at her for far longer than was acceptable. He told himself it was nothing more than idle curiosity. He hadn't seen his friend for months, it was natural to be a bit taken by the changes in her demeanor and appearance. . Colin tore himself away with great difficulty and focused again on Penelope. She reached out to gingerly accept the flowers from him, her fingers placed primly over the far bottom of the bouquet, avoiding his fingers entirely, he noted with irritation.
"Colin, this - " She gestured to the bouquet and then at him, "This just is not done. I am not meant to be receiving such gifts from you. It is not proper, not right." She fiddled with the petals, looking conflicted over how to react. Colin sat down next to her and leaned in, just shy of keeping a respectable distance. He wasn't sure why he was doing it, but he kind of enjoyed the way she averted her eyes. He felt oddly like he was teasing her, only it was in a way he had never done before. But then, they'd never been in a situation quite like this before.
"Yes, but you and I have never been concerned with proper, have we Pen?" A curious pink blush spread over Penelope's face that charmingly extended to her decollete. It reminded him of the flush of sunlight at sunset, just spilling over the horizon, painting everything in its path. It was odd of her to react like this, all he did was joke, in the way he had always done. Why behave as if he was taking liberties now? After all this time?
She got up quite hastily at that, indignant, the blush now reaching her ears.
"Mr. Bridgerton!"
Penelope was starting to get upset again so Colin retreated, thinking he would not push his friend any farther. He could faintly feel his own heart, palpitating a little at seeing her flustered like this and wondered briefly at feeling before putting up his hands in a form of surrender.
"My apologies, Miss Featherington. I may have become over zealous in my endeavors to express the depth of my regret. It is only that I want my dearest friend to know that I would never willingly hurt her." There was a pause between them, where Colin attempted to gather his scattered thoughts. He could not fathom how he had allowed Fife to corner him like that. However, if he were honest, it had nothing to do with it. He had been embarrassed when Fife and the others had begun to rib him about Penelope, but it had more to do with being unable to tolerate the ridicule of his relationship with.
"I appreciate that Colin.." There was a soft sort of understanding in her voice. She looked at him in this wistful way that he couldn't quite place, from a perspective of realization, perhaps? He forged ahead, seeing the maid grow antsy in the background and knowing that he would probably have less than a few moments to express his emotions to her.
"I acted foolishly. The words you heard me utter were mere witlessness on my part, a display before my companions.'" He gazed at her intently, studying her expressions and hoping to somehow read her thoughts from them.. "They do not reflect my true character, nor do they represent who I am presently. My actions wounded you, and for that, I am sincerely remorseful." At this Colin stood up as well, needing her to understand that he didn't take what he had done lightly.
Penelope seemed to be deep in thought, eyes traveling up and down the length of his person and nodded. It was slow, jerky almost. She gathered the roses from the bench and held them close to her, the flowers bunching pleasantly below her chin and rather reminding Colin of a painting hanging in the Bridgerton home, of a woman drenched in flora, lounging decadently among them.
"I understand." Here she paused, and some of the resistance she had before returned to her. "I accept that it came from a place of inane conversations between peers and I forgive you for it, however.." She trailed of, unsure of how to continue.
"However?" Colin repeated her words, encouraging her to go on. He wished he could reach out and hold her hand like he used t.
"I believe it would be better for ourselves to keep our distance this season." Her gaze held his, resolutely, daring him to refute her wishes. Instead, he chose to question her further.
"Our distance? Whatever for?" Penelope huffed and crossed her arms, the flowers nestled snugly against her chest, drawing his eyes there for a moment before he ripped his gaze away.
"Perhaps a Bridgerton bachelor such as yourself need not worry as the progression of age seems to only heighten your worth however," She drew herself up to her full tiny height for what he assumed was meant to be an intimidating show of conviction.
"For spinsters such as myself - " Here, Colin protested over the use of the word spinster but was overtaken by Penelope. ("You're hardly a spinster!" "I'm on my third year on the marriage mart with no prospects to show for it. What would you call that?") and of course, he had no answer.
"- For spinsters such as myself, " She repeated fimly, "it will make prospects that are already slim become non - existent. I must think of my prospects, Mr. Bridgerton." God, he was beginning to hate the way the name sounded when she said it like that.
He grudgingly accepted, loathing to do so, but understanding that he must.
"I understand. But perhaps, some conversation?" She raised an eyebrow, as if to imply sarcasm at the belief that he had any say in the matter. "Only in appropriately chaperoned settings of course." He amended hastily. Colin had only just won her back, he could not afford to have her believe he was respecting her terms.
She nodded. Colin felt in no uncertain terms that this was a bigger achievement than when they had gotten Eloise to wear the nonsensical feather hat for her debut last season.
"Chaperoned conversations. For the sake of appearances."
Penelope turned to her maid, who dutifully kept up the appearance that she had not heard a word of what had transpired and let her know that they would be returning to the Featherington Estate and to fetch their carriage.
She stood before him, beckoning for the carriage to join them at the gate's entrance, and in that moment, Colin was struck by a subtle shift. Perhaps it was the gentle cascade of her hair, resembling a crown of golden amber, or the soft gossamer day gown she wore, accentuating the delicate blush of her complexion. Whatever it may be, it prompted Colin to extend his hand, gently clasping her slender wrist as she left, eliciting a startled gasp as she turned to find him holding her.
"Penelope, dare I hope to believe that I have begun to regain the honor of your friendship once more?"
Her gaze darted between his hand upon her wrist and his eyes, and she swallowed nervously.
"Yes," she uttered softly, for it was all she could summon in that moment.
The entire ride home, Penelope's maid continued to grouse about the impropriety of the Bridgerton boy, saying in scandalized tones that one does not grab a lady's hand, and that too in the middle of the park! Just wait until Lady Featherington hears about this!
At that Penelope had sharply informed her that she would under no circumstances apprise her mother of any of what had occurred today. She leaned back, head resting against the seat behind her, willing the tears in her eyes to vanish. There was only one conclusion to be made after today's events. Penelope conceded to herself that she could no longer hold onto the hope of ever gaining Colin's affection.
Colin Bridgerton, today, I let you go.
By the time it was nightfall, Colin was about three cups deep into whatever spirits Mondrich kept pushing in his direction and he could not make heads or tails of his heart. For all intents and purposes, he had begun the journey to reconciling with Penelope, with some conditions, and yet he could not alleviate this strange sense of unease inside him
Everything would eventually return to what it was, and yet..why did tha not give him cause to be content? He threw back the drink he was nursing, relishing in the familiar burn that coated the back of his throat. Across from him, Benedict was nursing his own drink, peering at him concernedly.
"Everything alright brother?" Colin would have responded were it not for a round of raucous laughter coming from the table across the room.
"You must be jesting Fife!" Sounds of tankards hitting the wooden table with dull thuds echoed clearly in his ears.
"Surely you cannot be serious!"
"Oh I am quite certain. I confirmed it for myself. The girl is exquisite. Quite the buxom beauty. You danced with her Ainsley, you must tell us!"
"The Featherington girl? She has an ample bosom to be sure." Colin swore he saw Ainsley wink at Fife and his companions, as the blood began to roar in his ears. "But better than that Fife, is to feel all of her pressed against you ."
There was more laughter, though now to Colin, the very sound of it felt vulgar. It felt disgusting and like
"I did give Bridgerton a hard time last season but I find myself humbled to realize that I would not mind getting to know Miss Featherington." He swirled his drink in his hand and aimed a conspiratorial look at his mates. " Biblically." Sure enough, the response was uproariously loud and Benedict looked quite green to be hearing it, whilst whatever he felt was decidedly more violent in nature.
"Are we to take that to mean, Fife, that you intend to court her?"
"Heavens never. That does not mean I cannot indulge in the delicacies she has to offer."
Whatever Benedict saw on Colin's face in the wake of that particular statement had him scrambling up out of the chair and vacating the premises before anyone other than Mondrich himself had had a chance to see the peculiar shade of purple Colin had turned.
Promenades weren't usually something to pay attention to. Unlike balls, it was far too wide an arena to keep an eye on. If you wanted to know if anything of true import had occurred, one would assume that Whistledown would have covered it. Except unless, you were the only one aware of such issues.
For Colin, he would maintain that the world remained perfectly normal until that day. Until Penelope had appeared in Wrotham, drenched in shades of blue he had never seen her wear until today. It was a symphony of blue hues, from the palest whisper of morning sky to the deepest, most mysterious shades of midnight.
He could not tear his eyes from her, and when Colin did manage, all he could see was a distinct shift in some of the men nearest to her. Indeed, their gazes trailed behind her as she went, though Penelope was oblivious to the effect she was having. HIs eyes traced the delicate curve of her neck and landed on the small gold chain that rested in the valley of her bodice.
There was no avoiding the allure of her copper-red tresses, gleaming like spun gold in the sunlight, casting a warm glow upon her porcelain complexion. Her lips, tinted with the softest rose, added a delicate charm to her countenance as she conversed with her mother.
Then, Colin observed a gentleman approach, gallantly extending his arm to his once dearest friend, and experienced a peculiar constriction in his chest as she bashfully accepted his offer.
He felt as though the very breath had been stolen from his lungs.Then from behind, he heard his mother.
"Why, is that not Lord Debling?"
Notes:
Alright so I'm about three days late but I promise I'll be better! I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Thank you so much to everyone who has commented, saved/bookmarked and given Kudos!!
So, Colin is finally starting to feel something. It seems time away is good not only for gaining proportion but also perspective. I wonder what he will do now?
Chapter 4: Can't Help Falling in Love
It was unnerving. She had made about two turns around the park and Penelope could not divest herself of the niggling feeling that someone had their eyes on her. It was only on her third turn that Penelope identified the source of the sensation.
If she had not been seeing it for herself, Penelope would have scarcely believed it if anyone told that for the last 30 minutes, Colin, in the relative comfort of his family tent, had been intently studying her.
"Miss Featherington?" Penelope suddenly remembered that she was currently on the arm of Lord Debling. He had been most gentlemanly in the way he approached her to promenade. For the majority of their turn around she had been listening to him extoll the virtues of being vegetarian and the benefits it had afforded him in his daily life. She was amused and had responded to him wondering how he had come upon the decision to change his life in such a drastic manner.
It was a wonderful back and forth, until the hair on the back of her neck began to prickle and Penelope locked eyes with him, from far across the park. She felt as though there was a new nuance in the way he looked at her and it made her want nothing more than to look away and hide from him.
It weighed on her, Colin's watchful gaze. What had once been a look of familiar warmth and friendship now seemed to hold a different kind of intensity, leaving her feeling both flustered and uncertain. A rush of nervousness washed over her each time she caught his eyes lingering on her, prompting her to wonder about the meaning behind this newfound depth in his look.
She forced herself to smile at Debling and made an effort to ignore the specter of her feelings.
"Apologies Lord Debling, I became a bit distracted for the moment by the heat." She made a show of fanning herself for the heat, which admittedly was quite high today. Penelope was unaware that she was inadvertently drawing attention to some of her rather obvious assets, but had she known, she would have ruefully realized that her mother would have been proud of her for using her "talents". As it stood, she fanned herself, oblivious to the furtive glances the Lord was making despite himself.
Still, around they went, this time with the Lord safely escorting Penelope back to her mother. They bid adieu, both the picture of decorum while she tried to pretend she could not feel him from across the park scrutinizing her like an enigma to unravel.
If she had looked, Penelope would have seen Anthony lean over to comment on his behavior. She might even have seen the way the conversation relaxed him. It was as though something within him suddenly understood the conundrum he had been looking to solve.
She fiddled with her fingers, strolling with her parasol, wondering what to do when Miss Edwina stopped by the tent. Her mother gave her a cursory hello and greeted Ms. Sharma but to the younger Featherington, this was a lifeline. Surely, nothing could happen now that there were others. Surely, he understood what she had said in their last meeting. Surely he wouldn't -
Her eyes caught movement and indeed Colin was making his way over to where she stood.Penelope only had a moment to think and hurriedly seized Miss. Edwina's arm, not quite gently maneuvering her to the walkway, however in that moment she could feel relief when Colin was forced to halt his approach as she began to walk with her partner. It was only when she saw the questioning look on Miss. Edwina's face, that she flushed scarlet and hung her head a little.
"I do beg your pardon, but I have no one else to turn to. I only wish to avoid an encounter that would hurt my heart." Edwina glanced behind them, her eyes finding Colin some distance back. She patted Penelope's hand kindly, watching her expression melt into one one of relief, a soft smile playing on her lips as they walked towards a quieter part of the park.
"Come, let us walk. Would you like to tell me what is the matter?"
The second ball of the season was held later that same week. Its hosts were well known to the ton for being partial to an unusually gaudy display of opulence, and this time was no different. Every inch of the estate was drenched in crystals and silks, complete with chandeliers that bathed the entire ballroom in refracting lights that gave the illusion that one could be walking among the stars. Colin was present along with most of his family. Anthony and Kate bowed out from tonight's festivities citing illness on Kate's part, something that had become a chief complaint of late.
He was on edge, it had only been recently that Colin figured out what was ailing him. Well, he could not omit credit where credit was due. Had it not been for Anthony on the day they promenaded, he would never have been able to put a name to what he was experiencing.
"Brother, if you continue to stare at Penelope so, people will begin to talk."
"Let them." He had snapped back. Anthony arched a brow, seeing the tension simmering within Colin, he wisely refrained from commenting on his demeanor and instead switched tactics.
"Colin." There was a noise of frustration as he barely glanced at his older brother who attempted to gain his attention. .
" Colin ." More warningly this time. " You cannot conduct yourself in this manner. This is just not done. Penelope is an unmarried young woman. Your behavior is not appropriate." These words were hissed in his direction, discreetly, since Anthony was hoping his mother would not overhear.
"I am doing nothing untoward" He retorted, his eyes following the young woman as she held onto Debling's arm. He hated the way the man smiled at Pen. It was incredibly immoral. How could no one else see that? The way he smiled, and spoke to her, made her laugh. He could not know the things that made Penelope laugh, that was a secret that he and Pen shared, no one else! Only the two of them understood the kind of humor they enjoyed.
" I am just…confounded. I feel untethered Anthony, and I cannot begin to fathom why. As you say, she is unmarried, it is natural for her to be entertaining suitors, heavens knows there is a barrage daily of them at our home. Daphne had no end of them. But seeing her with men, men who could be any kind of scoundrel and villain, I feel a sense of unease. I could not bear it if my friend were to suffer something untoward because I could not forewarn her." Colin watched the wind swirl around Penelope, causing her silky tresses to lift in the wind. He caught the distant sound of her giggle as it fluttered through her dress and pushed her further into Debling's arms. A picture perfect couple, he thought, scowling.
Anthony shifted in his seat, seemingly thinking of a way to craft a response. Colin hated the way he felt Anthony tiptoe around the issue, it felt oddly patronizing.
"Brother, I say this only for your benefit. Have you not considered that your feelings towards Pen are less companiable than you are aware?" The sentence was gentle but it's meaning was anything but. How could he suggest that the very foundation of their friendship was centered on something so base! He had not befriended Eloise's companion, her closest confidant, for something of this manner.
"I say Anthony, of all the things you could have said to me, this is indeed the strangest." Colin snorted derisively. " Granted, I do feel upset when I see her in the presence of men, such as this Debling character. Or indeed Carrigan from the other night. She has no need for such acquaintances." He waved dismissively at the men before them, mingling with women.
"No need -" Anthony was cut off from replying as Colin forged ahead.
"Anything they have to offer, I can offer in their stead, and she would be safe as well. How are we to know if any of these men are who they say they are? How are we to know that once one of them sinks their talons into her, she would not be at their mercy. No, if Penelope needs a trusted male friend, I am here." He gave a decisive nod, thinking to himself that this was exactly the solution for the situation they had found themselves in. This nonsensical speech left Anthony agape in wonder at the oblivious drivel his brother was confidently spouting.
He sputtered incoherently, and then took a deep long suffering breath.
"No friend feels such as you do regarding suitors of their companion. It is the opposite." He said resolutely. So much so, that when Colin finally deigned to look at his brother it was only to find him wearing the condescending look of someone who knew something you did not. He narrowed his eyes in annoyance. This did not feel helpful at all. Why did Anthony insist on continuing down this ridiculous path of inquiry?
"Glare at me all you want, Colin Bridgerton, but you know as well as I, that this sort of conduct is not friendly, and it is most definitely not platonic. You covet this woman and you are a fool to think otherwise.."
The statement was so bland, so matter of fact, that it left Colin unable to rebut. It felt as though suddenly something in his mind was putting the pieces together of an unnecessarily difficult puzzle. However, when the final piece slid into place.. Everything made sense.
Why had he not seen it before?
Colin could not help but search for her, even here, where all the ton could see him. It felt as though her presence called to him, something he had never noticed until now. How he looked for her at every gathering, and the pleasure he felt when they engaged in their silly conversations. Even here, among the masses of twirling skirts and idle chatter, he was compelled to seek her out.
It did not take long to find her. Her hair gave her away immediately, unlike her mother, or her sisters, Penelope's hair seemed to glow in the candlelight, and he could see her from across the hall. Engrossed in conversation with another lord, one whom he had no inclination to recognize or acknowledge, she had yet to become aware of his presence. The gentleman, he deemed, would hold little significance.
Colin, having resolved his desires, could wait no longer to declare himself.
He approached Penelope, who was turned away from him and spoke as politely as he could manage to her partner.
"Apologies, sir. I am only here to ask if Miss Featherington would be amenable to a dance?" He cast a glance downwards, only now realizing how small she was, a detail that had until now escaped his notice. Penelope, wearing an expression of distinct disapproval, appeared to be on the verge of declining him when her mother intervened with a conspicuously timed cough. Though the young lord appeared vexed by his interruption, Colin remained indifferent. Instead, he leaned in to write on her dance card and led her onto the dance floor.
He let her place her hand gently in his, her other barely grasping his shoulder, a sign of ire no doubt.
"Mr. Bridgerton," Her voice carrying a frostiness so tangible that Colin almost expected to see her breath crystallize before him. "Did we not agree to maintain a respectable distance throughout this season?"
"We did," he responded, as they glided across the room, the music weaving its spell around them. Colin found the glimmer in her eyes under the flickering lights to be truly enchanting.
"Then may I inquire as to your intentions? Your actions stand in direct contradiction to our agreement," she remarked, turning just as the other couples did, her back now facing her partner.
"I am asking you to dance, as I have always done, in the years since your debut." Colin began, sensing her reluctance. Before she could voice her objection, he smoothly interjected, "Would you not agree that it might raise eyebrows if we were to abandon such a longstanding tradition?"
Penelope stiffened visibly before him, but then pressed on, "Even if others took notice, does it truly matter? Besides, Lady Whistledown has provided a convenient excuse for us to maintain a certain distance." He felt a surge of disdain at the mention of the scandalous writer who had brought Penelope such public humiliation. Placing a hand on her waist, he guided her back to face him with deliberate gentleness.
"Surely you do not credit her garbled scribblings?" he challenged.
"And do you?" she countered sharply, her tone betraying a hint of hurt.
"I was a fool," He did not deny his behavior.
"As you have said, still, this does not change anything, I am being courted Colin." her use of his name sending a surge of delight through him, albeit belatedly comprehending her implication. " For once, I am desirable. This season holds promise for me to secure a husband, and your familiar manner towards me may indeed diminish my prospects."
"Prospects? Is that all that concerns you?" he interjected incredulously.
"Do not make it sound so trivial. You possess the liberty to choose any partner you wish. You have that right. I need only wait. And every moment I wait, my prospects dwindle. You do not - "
Their conversation was neatly masked by the crescendo of the music, the symphony of violins and cellos enveloping them in its melody.
"Marry me."
He whisked her into a spin, drawing her close once more as the music swelled around them.
"What?"
Chapter 5: All Too Well
As they glided across the ballroom floor, Penelope's expression turned to one of stunned disbelief. The music at length ceased with a resounding crash, and the neighboring couples exchanged bows, giving way to a lively hum of conversation.
Penelope could see Colin's expectant face, his gaze probing hers for a response, his expression suffused with satisfaction, as though he had vanquished their greatest dilemmas with ease. The air seemed to escape her lungs, compelling her to retreat from him, watching as bewilderment clouded his eyes.
Penelope felt her blood rushing in her ears and looked around quickly for a way out. In a fleeting moment, her gaze met Eloise's, who seemed unusually perturbed—her customary expression of irritation replaced by genuine concern.
"Penelope?" She managed to control her face, albeit just barely, yet Colin was not oblivious to the swift closure of her features."
"I just - I need a moment."
"Wha -"
But Penelope did not linger to hear more; she sought air and solitude. Somehow she navigated her way to the grand double oak doors and nearly stumbled outside, heedless of others around her. She wandered the corridors, following the familiar path that would eventually lead to the gardens. The surroundings seemed to press upon her, the dim walls towering and the flickering candle lit sconces stretching endlessly along the hallway. Penelope neared the garden doors when a voice called out behind her.
"Penelope!"
She closed her eyes, and willed herself to stay calm. Her patience was hanging by a thread and his presence was pushing her to the brink. Penelope felt like prey, being chased into a corner.
"I wish to be alone." She said, through a stiff smile, as she glanced behind her, willing him to realize she did not want him here.
"Regretfully, I cannot do that." He moved towards her, and finding no retreat from him, Penelope could avoid him no more. Colin continued to advance until she was backed up against the wall, Colin was close, she could feel every inch of him, even breathe that distinct scent of his that she had come to recognize. The way he looked at her mirrored the intensity he had shown in the park earlier in the week, but with a hint of uncertainty in his passion, which left her feeling both intrigued and unsettled.
"I meant it, Pen. Marry me." He gently caressed the soft curls of her hair, savoring their silkiness between his fingers, voice low and rough with an emotion she didn't dare name. His hand cupped her cheek, a gesture that she had always yearned for. "Thoughts of you have incessantly filled my mind these past weeks, everywhere I go, my eyes seek you out, I feel as though I am being driven mad by this need to find you, to be near you." Penelope was taken aback by his words, her cheeks flushing warmly as he pressed on. Could she dare to entertain hope? He seemed sincere, earnest even.
"At first, I couldn't understand my feelings—I kept my distance. Then, you brought up marriage, your plans to marry by the end of the season. It troubled me deeply, but clarity struck this week. Seeing you with those gentlemen made me realize something profound. They could easily hold your hand, while I couldn't. It became clear to me—I desire you, Penelope and I did not see it until the others began to court you. " he confessed, pulling her closer. Their hands intertwined, his warmth enveloping her, his words revealing a newfound urgency. "You and I have always been close, understood each other. But now, I see what it truly means."
Penelope froze, comprehending the true importance of his words, becoming still in his arms. Colin seemed not to notice.
"You are mine," he said, gently lifting her chin to meet his gaze. However, Penelope's eyes veered away, evading his own. "You belong with me."
She felt as though a frigid wave had been dashed upon her, chilling her to the bone.
"When you saw me with the others?" She repeated, "You're doing this because they could hold my hand and you could not?" P enelope stepped back, out of his reach, not meeting his confused gaze.
"Colin, do not say things you do not mean." She wrapped her silver gloved hands around herself, shielding her midsection like armor. This was reality, she had been a fool to think it could be anything other than this.
"But I do mean it." His voice felt like a cruel glimmer of hope for her dying dreams, but she knew he was not for her, and with each fragmented moment he bestowed upon her, the illusion of possibility felt akin to a bitter joke .
"No, you do not. You have never noticed me until this season. Why on earthwould you feel anything now ?" Now there was the beginning of the seeds of hurt and anger tingeing her words. He was taken aback, most women never asked for the source of their affection, they only swooned at the expression of it. At least that was what he had been taught.
Colin could only gesture helplessly, searching for an answer to her question, he was starting to see that events were unfolding quite contrary to his expectations. Penelope could feel a pain that was worse than rejection begin to take over her, like being roughly awakened from a pleasant dream, she felt adrift and betrayed with every moment it took for him to scramble for something to say.
"I - I do not know,I cannot -"
"We have been friends for years, and I have been on the marriage market for three of those. Do you truly expect me to believe that you have now developed sentiments for me?" Penelope shook her head, her disbelief now mingled with anger. "Mr. Bridgerton, the truth is plain: your regard is but a passing fancy, sparked only by the presence of other suitors."
"Penelope, you cannot tell me that I do not love you." The indignation in Colin's voice would have once cowed her to find a way to placate him, but Penelope was too hurt to even entertain the idea. "You do not know what is in my heart. Any moment that you spent in their presence felt truly painful to see. I could not bear it, seeing you on the arm of another." Penelope wrenched off the hair clip in her, the sensation of it becoming too much bear in the moment, her hair tangling as she held the offending piece in her palm. Colin had all but confirmed her fears.
"Had Lord Debling or any other gentleman not shown interest in me this season, could you honestly say the same? Would your sentiments have remained unchanged? You admitted it yourself—you felt nothing until you saw me pursued by another." Tears welled in her eyes, tracing paths down her fair cheeks. Colin moved to wipe them away, but Penelope evaded his touch, leaving his hand to fall awkwardly by his side.
"What you feel is nothing more than jealousy when someone's favorite plaything has been taken from them."
"Is that truly what you think of me?" He looked at her, hurt coloring his face in a way she had never seen before, not even when Marina's lies had been exposed.
"Have you given me reason to think differently?" She countered, as much as she wanted to be kind, Penelope had had enough. It was torture to continue loving him, and him proposing marriage on the basis of loving her now , when others had finally starting noticing her… she couldn't trust it. She was trapped here, in this nightmare. Doomed to love him and eternally waiting, hoping for him to love her in return and now that he had, all she could see was the eventuality of him snatching his love back. The sounds of the ball could be heard dimly in the background but it all felt so removed from them, so far from this hell.
Penelope did her best to collect herself, she had let her emotions get the better of her, she did not want to appear as though she were an obsessed woman, begging for love from a man who never promised her any such thing.
""We both understand what society deems as beauty, Mr. Bridgerton, and only a few months ago, you were resolute that you would not entertain thoughts of courting me even in your wildest imaginings." The pained expression he wore prompted Penelope to add with a touch of gentleness, "I do not speak to wound you, but only to illustrate a point. You do not love me."
The silence that descended between them was oppressive. Penelope could hear Colin's shallow breaths grow heavier as she tried to put some distance between them.
"You merely object to the idea of other suitors. You feel protective overYou fear losing a friend. But I cannot forever remain your friend, Colin. I always knew you would not love me, but I did not foresee you hindering my pursuit of happiness, my freedom!" Her voice rose slightly, though Penelope had tried her best to remain calm, but the truth of it was that this was how she felt. All her years of love, to be reduced to this, to a changed wardrobe and the attentions of other men? That was all she needed?
"When have I ever given you that impression? That I do not care? That I do not desire your freedom?" He snapped back, now there was true anger in voice, insulted at the insinuation of his intentions.
"You are doing it now! You have never shown concern for me or my prospects until this moment! The only change from the past two years to today is that finally, there is a man willing to court me!"
Colin laughed bitterly, shaking his head dismissively, missing the way Penelope stiffened at the rejection of it.
"Who? Debling? That man cannot possibly be your choice. He is too particular, too... he will abandon you, Pen! Have you considered that? He is leaving!"
"Do you think I am unaware? I am not blind! He has spoken plainly of his travels and interests! He seeks only a wife, and I can fulfill that role!" Penelope hissed, combing a hand through her curls, her pale face flushing red with ire.
"You can fulfill that?" Colin retorted incredulously. "And you would be satisfied with that? Happy? Without love? Without affection?" The look in his eyes dared her to respond, he knew better than anyone what a woman would dream of, his mother had taught him and all his siblings to understand this well.
"He does hold affection for me," she said, her eyes now brimming with heated tears. This was not how this night was supposed to go, she thought bitterly. "Not all are as blessed as your Bridgertons. Not all may weave passionate tales of love. Some must find solace in security, and if we are lucky, friendship, duty and understanding"
Colin could not refute her. He stared at her, her face contorted in emotion, chest heaving from the toll their argument was taking on her. Tears streaked down the pale cheeks , her eyes red.
"What did you imagine would ensue? You proposed on a whim, my dear friend." The words stung deeper than she had ever anticipated, though she was the one saying them. " That is how I know you do not love me. If you did, you would not throw those words out so carelessly in the middle of a dance, with no regard for me or the proper manner of things."
Penelope walked past him, heading back towards the ballroom. After a few paces, she halted and spoke without facing him. It presented an unusual scene, one she had never envisioned even in her most fanciful daydreams. Both stood there in the moon's gentle glow, in each other's company yet further apart than ever before.
"I will pretend none of this happened. You are a precious friend and I do not wish to lose your friendship."
She practically ran down the rest of the way of the corridor, coming up short when she ran into Eloise around the corner. For a moment, all they could do was stare at each other. It seemed as though Eloise wanted to say something, her hand almost reached out, but Penelope happened to glance back at Colin, revealing her tear soaked face, he could not take his eyes off her. Eloise heard Penelope muffle a faint cry. She pushed by Eloise, wiping her eyes and ran out to the carriages, leaving both Bridgerton siblings standing in the dark.
"What did you do?"
Chapter 6: I Can't Stop Loving You
How could he?!
How could he?!
Every thought in Penelope's mind had become a tangled web of confusion. It was mortifying to be subjected to a pity proposal from the only man she had ever loved, but to have Eloise witness it? It was more than she could bear. Somehow, amidst the darkness, away from the crowds inside, merrily dancing the night away, Penelope made her way to the carriages, signaling to the footmen to secure one for her.
An errant tear rolled down her face before she swiped at it hurriedly, what a fool she was, she thought bitterly. What a fool indeed.
"Miss Featherington?" Penelope started, startled by the sudden presence of another. Glancing back, she beheld Miss Edwina approaching, a vision in white and pink. The gown clung to her slender form with becoming grace, accentuating her delicate silhouette. Her jet-black ringlets were artfully arranged in a coquettish style, enhancing her natural beauty and, to Penelope's eye, completing her ensemble in splendid fashion.
She realized with a jolt that she had been gazing directly at her, and once more, that her tear-stained face was in full view. Penelope quickly used a fan to cover her face and mumbled a rather garbled greeting.
"Miss Sharma, I was unaware of your presence. Please forgive me if I am in your way." Penelope prayed she couldn't see the smudged remains of makeup, the last thing she wanted was any sort of inquiries to her appearance, lest she fall apart completely in front of a stranger.
A hush fell upon them in the spacious courtyard of the manor, it blanketed them in a way that made Penelope feel as though she were being smothered. It made her pull at the neck of her gown and shift awkwardly in her dress. In the distance, the faint clip-clop of horses heralded the approach of carriages, though they remained unseen for now. All around, the stillness remained stifling the scene, shrouding them in darkness, only to be punctuated by the sniffles of the youngest Featherington behind her fan.
"Penelope, would you like to accompany me to my residences tonight?" Penelope looked up from her fan, eyes red-rimmed and puzzled. Edwina looked back at her calm, and expectant.
"Miss. Sharma?"
"I am asking if you would like to come stay with me for some time this fortnight?" Penelope felt her skin crawl with embarrassment, what a sight she must look for Miss. Sharma to extend such an offer to someone she barely knew. She shook her head perhaps a tad too enthusiastically, striving to assume an air of indifference while discreetly dabbing at her tears.
"Oh! Oh, I couldn't possibly impose, I know I must look… " Penelope faltered briefly, realizing the inadequacy of her explanation. "Truly, you must believe me, I am perfectly well, I can assure you of that."
Edwina looked decidedly unimpressed by Penelope's assurances and gestured to the footmen as the carriage finally came into view. It pulled to a halt in front of the red carpeted area of the courtyard reserved for the dignified guests to come and go as they pleased. Edwina held her by the shoulders and led her towards her carriage.
"Miss. Penelope, there are many things you excel at, I'm afraid hiding your feelings is not one of them." She gave her shoulders an encouraging squeeze and released them, walking to the doors and making a flourishing gesture, bidding her to enter. When Penelope hesitated, she leveled her with a rather stern look and said.
"I have been watching you for the last two weeks and I daresay this cannot continue any longer. Now, will you come with me, or are you to stay and allow yourself to be at the beck and call of everyone's whims but your own?" Edwina's expectant look and the rather pointed question left no real room for discussion. Penelope found she had no other choice but to join the younger Sharma sister. As she climbed on, assisted by the footman, Penelope could not help but note that though Edwina shared her sister's decisiveness.
"Come now, we shall stop briefly at your estate before retiring to mine. Mama will be so pleased to see a new face!"
Penelope smiled weakly, in the face of Edwina's confidence, but felt reassured when her own expression was returned with one of warmth and welcome. Perhaps she had lost Eloise forever, but maybe there was hope for companionship for her yet.
Varley had seen quite a number of things in her time, it was part of the job. It was also a part of her job to hold her tongue. Tonight was one such night. Only a scant few hours after the Missus and her daughters had left for the week's soiree, Miss Penelope had returned, she looked distressed and agitated as she instructed a maid to quickly pack a trunk for a few night's stay. When Varley made an inquiry as to what she would tell Lady Featherington, the young miss only gave her a terse explanation.
"Tell her I am staying with my dear friend Miss Sharma at the Sharma Estate just on the outskirts of Mayfair. If anyone else comes calling, do not tell them where I am."
Miss Penelope then shut herself in her room for sometime. All there was to hear, if you were so inclined, was the shuffling of the drawers in the desk. Some 15 minutes later, the youngest miss emerged, carrying her own bag of her own packing with her. She held it close to herself and made her way back to the doors outside. Then, with a cursory glance back, Miss. Penelope boarded the carriage she had arrived in and was gone.
Varley sighed and closed the doors, pinching the bridge of her nose, and motioned for the maids to make more snacks for the ladies to eat when they got back, anything to dampen their reactions. In fact, she could already hear the yelling that was sure to ensue in the next few hours.
Eloise didn't think she had ever been this angry in her life. In fact, it seemed as though anger had been her constant companion since last season. Fueling its fires in her with every interaction she had here in Mayfair. She reclined on the settee in her mother's parlor, nearly sinking into its plush cushions, while Violet readied herself in the bath for the evening ahead, regaling Eloise and Francesca with tales of the soirée's events. Everything felt unimportant, flippant like everything that happened around them was a facade. A facade that had only recently dropped for her. Francesca offered a hesitant smile as their mother mentioned a courtier who had shown interest in her—a topic that had dominated the evening.
Eloise had been so upset and honestly, in some small way, had begun to relish the idea of snubbing her at these events.
Until tonight.
She could still see in her mind's eye so clearly the look of dismay Penelope wore that it had entirely expelled all thoughts of revenge from her mind. Watching her exit the ballroom and seeing her brother follow momentarily afterward was all she needed to see in order to immediately feel the telltale pit in her stomach.
Penelope had always been more timid - at least that was what Eloise had been led to believe - and rarely ever took part in any confrontation. Now, Eloise was unsure what the truth was. Penelope's alter ego, Lady Whistledown was every bit as biting and conniving as the mamas of the ton, scheming to get their children what they believed was best for them.
Still, if anyone had spent as long as she had with Penelope, well…. You would have to have been utterly blind so as not to notice that the young girl had been in love with Eloise's brother since they were children.
Eloise seized a pillow and stifled a garbled yell into its softness. Violet, well accustomed to such displays, scarcely spared her a glance as she continued to entertain Francesca with Lady Danbury's thoughts on the gentlemen they had encountered that evening. W hy was Penelope crying? Surely Colin would not have done anything to upset her? As vexed as she was, she did not want to see Penelope hurt, despite her horrid desires earlier in the evening. To complicate matters further, when she had sought out Penelope later, she had all but disappeared, though her family was still present.
Colin had been mopey and angry since then. He had stomped off immediately to the kitchens, probably off to drown himself in liquor like the other two brothers when they felt vexed.
Why on earth was everything so difficult ? It made her long for those seasons of her youth long past, when she had no inklings of the realities of their world.
Indeed, to be of age was a trial in and of itself.
It didn't make sense. He had reviewed every detail in his mind, from the first compliment to the final dance. He had even confessed in a way that he thought might even put Anthony to shame. Now, he found himself seated upon his bed, utterly bewildered, the events of the night haunting him, echoing through the room. It was like talking in circles.
He idly swirled the wine in his glass, observing the ruby liquid dance about, as he reflected upon just how awry the evening had gone.
He was stumped, everything he knew about Penelope had made him believe that she would be most delighted by his proposal. He knew she was the only one for him.
Penelope alone, with her cerulean eyes and her fair complexion, adorned with the most delicate of freckles, was the one he desired. He could not fathom why he had only recently become so acutely aware of her. No matter where, no matter when it was, he yearned to see her, to see the endearing way her nose crinkled when she was laughing, the way she hid her smile behind her fan and even the way her voice, like the crystalline chime of an exquisite glass bell, wove through the air with a purity and resonance that captured his heart every time he heard it.
He didn't know when it happened, or how, all he knew was that he would forever be at her mercy, if only to see those rosy lips curve in that sublime way towards him.
Suddenly, Colin shook his head, unsettled by the intensity of his own emotions. This just wouldn't do. Clarity could not be attained until he had the opportunity to converse with her. Surely, some misunderstanding must be at play.
He would just have to call upon Featherington House in the morrow.
"Apologies Lord Bridgerton, the young miss is not at home."
Colin blinked. He had not considered that she would be unavailable. The flowers in his hands drooped forlornly, mirroring his mood as he realized he would be unable to see her today. He disliked the note on which they had ended the previous night. Colin never wanted to be the cause of Penelope's hurt but he could not help but continually turn over the words she threw at him. The stark refusal in her to accept his words, and her stubborn dismissal of his feelings. Which, if he were honest, irked him because it was rather telling of her perception of him.Colin had thought they were friends, but he supposed in her eyes, perhaps he came off as somewhat of a cad.
WIth Varley about to close the door, Colin hastily put a hand on it to prevent her from leaving and asked earnestly.
"Would you perhaps be able to tell me when she will be returning, or where she has gone?"
Varley's eyes narrowed when she looked at Coliin, she had heard enough from her colleague to understand that there was a latent intent in his words and she was not completely inclined to help him, especially given Miss Penelope's instructions the night before. She never was able to say anything as Lady Featherington appeared at that moment, having heard the commotion at the front door.
"Ahhh Mr. Bridgerton, to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?" She was truly a sight to behold, this early in the morning. There wasn't a color that seemed to be absent from her gown this morning, every aspect of which was garishly loud and seemed to be clamoring for such attention that Colin honestly was at a loss of where to look, especially when she wore a headdress to match. He noticed belatedly that her keen eyes had already spied the floral bouquet in his hands. She cocked an eyebrow in vague disbelief.
"Are you here, to perhaps see Penelope before the Promenade today? I regret to inform you Mr. Bridgerton that my daughter appears to have absconded in my absence after the event."
There was a certain quality to her tone that had Colin bristling though he wasn't quite sure why. Nothing in her words was explicitly distressing, yet he felt an undeniable displeasure towards Penelope's mother at that moment.
"I see," He managed to make his own voice civil. "Might there be any word on when she is anticipated to return?"
Lady Featherington gave a noncommittal shrug, and Colin resisted the urge to scold the woman for her clear disinterest in her daughter. It was odd, he had seen the way she fawned over Philippa and Prudence but rarely afforded her daughter the same treatment. Although seeing it in real time, he wasn't sure if that was a relief or something to be offended by.
"That is unclear, unfortunately." She appeared to be looking him up and down, something that he was used to, what with all the opportunistic mamas out and about this season. The way she was doing it however… it seemed that she was displeased with him in some way.
" I do apologize, Mr. Bridgerton, that I do not have more information for you. If you will excuse us, I am afraid I am entertaining at the moment."
The door swung shut with a finality that had Colin feeling worse than he had the night before. Where had Penelope gone? Her mother and sister appeared to be home, and her relationship with Eloise was still tenuous, it sounded impolite, but Penelope had very few in the way of friendships, so where was she?
Colin set off back toward Bridgerton House, spurned once again by the emerging enigma that was the youngest Featherington. He reclined against the seat, his hand running through his hair as the carriage made its brief, almost farcical journey, a single thought coming to mind.
When had Penelope become so stubborn?
It had been an age since Penelope had the ability to talk to someone. It did not hurt of course, to note that Edwina was of similar age to her, though she seemed to be wiser than her years.
It was awkward, at first, to sit across from this person you barely know, especially when they have just seen you in a moment of weakness. The ride back to the Sharma estate was simultaneously the most humiliating and freeing experiences she had that entire season.
Tears glistened on her pale skin, their silvery paths stark against the smooth whiteness of her cheeks, and try as she might, Penelope had not been able to stop. Edwina did little more than to pat her hand comfortingly and assure her that she was among friends, she did not need to hide her emotions,
Upon her arrival at the Sharma Estate, Penelope was promptly escorted to a suite of rooms located in the east wing of the manor. The rooms were generously proportioned and illuminated by a crackling fire, which cast a warm orange glow upon the furnishings. The light revealed the lofty ceilings and walls, adorned with grand wood paneling and rich trim. A comfortable sitting area was arranged before the hearth, featuring three couches in a deep crimson with golden embroidery, alongside a charming green window seat nestled within the large bay window to the right. The bed was no less impressive, swathed in shades of cream gold to contrast the ruby red crushed velvet drapes.
When she was finally alone, Edwina having left to turn in for the night, giving her the privacy she desperately needed, Penelope just stood in the middle of this room, much larger than anything she had ever experienced, and couldn't help but utterly alone.
She was comfortable, yes, but so far removed from her family. A family who had never understood her and perhaps she, them. Penelope walked numbly to the screen in the room and almost mechanically began to undo her dress, removing the stays, folding them meticulously and setting them aside. Once situated into her nightgown and a robe, provided by the maids who had put them inside when she had been shown in, Penelope sat down by the fire, sinking into the red chaise. She felt odd, empty and over stimulated all at once.
Colin sat with his family at tea time, engaging in light hearted conversation with Benedict, though his mind was entirely elsewhere. It was a dreadfully dreary day, the wind blew frightfully, with rain pelting the tall windows of the manor ceaselessly. The Bridgertons themselves were attempting to alleviate the boredom by amusing themselves with games, books and snacks in the parlor. Colin tossed a cookie at Frannie who ignored him entirely, only minutely moving her head to avoid the incoming pastry.
"Colin, do stop throwing things." His mother's reproach did little to deter him. Eloise rolled her eyes.
"Yes, do behave as if you are actually an adult."
"I will if you pretend to actually be a woman."
Now, they were both throwing pastries at each other, paying no mind to their mother's voice growing shriller as her orders for them to stop fell on deaf ears.
It only abated some five minutes later when the maids brought it fresh bread and cheese as an additional snack, no doubt for Colin's infamous appetite.
"Oh look Colin, more food."
Colin made to smack her, but was quickly cowed by a sharp look from Violet. As he shoved a piece of Irish cheese on warm, soft bread into his mouth. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of Kate being handed a letter. He vaguely heard the words, "Miss Edwina Sharma". He would have ignored any of it further until he saw her eyebrows quirk, her expression one of confusion and concern. Anthony, perhaps catching the same look, quietly left the sitting room where the Bridgertons mingled and approached his wife in the hall.
"What is it?"
Kate held the letter towards and spoke not in a whisper but a quiet voice. She glanced surreptitiously towards the sitting room, eyes flicking towards Colin, who did his best to look very interested in his tea. If he had looked to his left, he would have seen that Eloise seemed equally riveted by the embroidery her mother had practically begged that she complete today.
"Edwina has written to say that she invited Miss Featherington - Penelope - to stay at our family home last night. I'm not quite sure of the meaning of this, from her letter, it sounds as if she were quite distressed."
"Your sister?" Kate gave him a sideways glance, pinning him with a dry look.
"No darling, Miss Featherington. Edwina is requesting that I visit her, if I should find myself not beholden to any other duties today." The question hung in the air for a beat.
"Oh," Anthony took a moment to consider their options, unaware they were being unabashedly eavesdropped on. "I don't believe that there is a reason we cannot spare you today. I am to accompany Mother to take a look at other lodgings, so I think it is a fine day for you to visit your sister my dear."
Kate squeezed his arm and kissed him lightly on the cheek, taking the time to whisper something in his ear that made the normally stoic Anthony flush all the way to his hairline. She motioned to a nearby maid and began to make preparations to leave, as Anthony made his way to his office, tugging at his cowl the entire way.
Colin waited a moment, not wanting to be too completely obvious and then stood awkwardly for a moment, trying to think about what he could say to excuse himself. He quite eloquently settled for, "If you'll excuse me, I have - eh - business, that I must attend to."
Benedict smiled at him blandly, and Colin wondered if he had heard what he had.
"You must hmm? Alright, well, if you must then, who are we to stop you?"
Colin resisted the urge to throw more pastries, partly because he didn't know if that was a fight he could win, but mostly because he was sure that his mother and the maids would have his head. Instead, he threw Benedict a most disgruntled look and left the room.
As he sped up once in the corridor, Colin thought to himself what he could say to Penelope, how to fix the mess from the previous night but could not for the life of him understand where to begin. How could he when he couldn't understand the basis for her ire in the first place?
He didn't have long to muse over this however as the noise of someone rapidly approaching him caught his attention and he was grabbed by the arm and practically dragged into the music room. It was dimly lit, as the curtains were drawn, given that this room was seldom used as Francesca preferred the piano in the sitting room.
He was practically manhandled inside and when he finally found his footing, Colin came face to face with Eloise.
" What are you doing?" He blinked at her, perplexed by the crossness of her tone. She spoke in a hoarse whisper.
"What am I - what are you doing?!" Here was a sight to behold. Eloise, in all her ruffled finery made for quite the intimidating figure in the darkened room.
"I'm not doing anything!" Colin paused for a moment, not liking how defensive that statement came out. "I'm not doing anything." He said in what he felt was a much calmer and assured tone.
Eloise looked decidedly unimpressed and unconvinced.
"You were about to follow Kate!"
"I was not!"
" Colin. " Eloise's voice laced with incredulity at her brother's behavior. "Surely you can understand why that would be unwise?"
"Eloise, this has nothing to do with you. I should be obliged for a bit of privacy, you know nothing about what I am going through!" His tone embodied such reproach that Eloise sighed, equally regretful and irritated.
"I understand that Colin, I do. But I did not need to know, all I needed was to see Penelope's face. Were you possessed of even half the intellect you profess, you would understand the necessity of leaving her undisturbed. Whatever you have done—" She spoke over Colin's repeated, defensive protests, voice rising as he persisted. "—whatever you have said was sufficient to bring her to tears. If you knew her as I do, you would realize that few things can provoke such a reaction."So leave her be, especially in light of what Whistledown has penned in her papers this morning." She extended the paper to Colin, who seized it from her. He had evidently arrived late to breakfast and must have missed its delivery.
Lady Whistledown's Society Papers
Dearest Gentle Reader,
The debutante season has officially begun, and this year's crop of young misses are as varied as a box of chocolates. I am certain that you are all waiting with bated breath for the latest scandal to grace the pages of my society paper. Fear not, dear readers, for I have returned with the juiciest morsels of gossip that will surely stir your morning tea.
Miss Francesca Bridgerton graced us with a debut of unparalleled splendor during last night's events, captivating us with her elegance and poise. Conversely, in the truest fashion of the ton, the dashing Lord Debling's puzzling attentions towards Miss Penelope Featherington have provoked no small measure of gossip. Though his courtship may appear as an indication of interest, one must wonder if it is not another nod to his peculiar eccentricities.
Speaking of eccentricities, Lord Granville, the self-styled wit of the ton, has taken it upon himself to charm the ladies of London with his unique approach—an approach that involves insulting them with an audacity matched only by his lack of charm. His misguided attempts to win favor through disparagement have left many a lady bewildered and unimpressed. Meanwhile, Lady Ashford, ever the astute strategist, has successfully secured a marriage proposal for her daughter from a distant Scottish lord. A calculated move indeed, ensuring that her daughter's future is as secure as the rolling hills of the Highlands.
As we draw this paper to a close, I am reminded of a timeworn adage: even the most modest daisy may yet transform into a magnificent rose, whilst the brightest bloom may wane. A truth that the ton would do well to bear in mind. Until our next meeting, may your days be as resplendent as the gossip we share.
Yours in Society's Service,
Lady Whistledown
Colin closed his eyes, vexed at yet another wrench thrown into the melee afore him. It didn't help that the paper cheerily pointed out that Penelope had quite a serious suitor in Debling. He crumpled it up and threw it almost petulantly to the side. Eloise watched as it bounced off the piano and landed, discarded, under the furniture, waiting to be thrown out with the rubbish.
"She must have known she would be the focus of tomorrow's papers." Eloise said, though her tone reflected no surprise, which Colin found odd. He was suddenly incensed that she continued to give unsolicited advice when she herself was not even speaking to her.
"It should not matter to you though, should it?" Eloise's eyes flashed, her gaze sharp, not pleased with the insinuation.
"I beg your pardon?" Colin crossed his arms over his chest and looked accusingly at her.
"You have not said one word to her since we returned to Mayfair. Now, I have been a considerate brother, and refrained from inquiring into your personal matters. I would ask that you extend me the same courtesy."
"My reasons for not speaking to her is no one's business but mine and hers. It does not, however, restrict me from speaking in her defense!"
" Defense? You speak as though I am set to hurt her. " It had been some time since he and Eloise had clashed so sincerely, but once they did, their arguments were difficult to halt, given their mutual obstinance.
"It is one and the same." Eloise tried to bring her voice back down before they started to attract attention. "At least think and try to understand why she was so upset last night."
"Eloise, this has persisted long enough!" Colin declared, now thoroughly exasperated by her refusal to cease her interference. "What I choose to do or not do is not a matter for you to intrude upon!""Eloise, this has gone on for long enough!" Colin was now truly irritated by Eloise's refusal to leave well enough alone. "What I choose or choose not to do is not something for you to meddle in!"
"Colin -"
"What on earth is happening here?" Anthony's voice pierced through their quarrel, silencing them both instantly. They turned to see Anthony and their mother standing in the middle of the room, their expressions unmistakably stern.
It was Colin who spoke first.
"It is nothing. Just a disagreement among siblings." Colin spun on his heel and exited the room and to Eloise's relief, appeared to be heading back to the sitting room.
There was a short rapping on the wooden doors of her rooms.
"Penelope, may I enter?"
"Yes." her voice felt thick and unfamiliar.
The door swung open, with the assistance of a few maids who came in, carrying trays of snacks and light blankets to sit with, near the fire on this cool summer day . After a flurry of movement, the doors softly closed behind the help as they left the three women alone.
Penelope felt herself flushing heavily when she saw Kate enter the room. Now both sisters sat opposite to her, they were genial, not putting any pressure on her to speak and instead engaging her in easy conversation. This went on for a time until Kate put her tea cup down.
"Now that we have all chatted for some time about the weather and fashions, let us come to the reason we are here."
Penelope stared down at the tea in her hands, she desperately wished the ground would open up and swallow her whole. How could she even begin to explain. She made the mistake of glancing up and seeing them look at her, their expressions gentle and unassuming caused her to doubt herself even more. Penelope felt things had gotten too
"I - I -" She stammered, unsure of how to begin. Did she even want to? She looked back up and thought of Eloise, if she were here, Penelope would have spilled her heart out immediately. The thought drew up a sadness in her that she had been repressing since the end of last season.
Kate's eyes softened, realizing the young woman was only just 19, and despite the opinions of the marriage mart, was quite young and naive in matters of the heart. She suspected her distress had something to do with Anthony's younger brother, but she had not been able to find her after she had lost sight of Colin during the ball and when he had reappeared, he seemed rather puzzled and irate.
"Miss Featherington - " She shifted in her seat, "Penelope - if I may?" When Penelope nodded, Kate continued on.
"I may not understand what it is that you are going through at the moment, but I do understand the sensation of being utterly overwhelmed by one's own emotions.."
It appeared that this simple expression of empathy was all that was needed, for at that moment, Penelope collapsed into tears, prompting the two women to immediately rise and come to her side.
After a summer of stifling restraint and judgment, Penelope at last felt that she could release all that she had been holding back.
Hours later, when Penelope found herself alone, with Kate and Edwina having departed to visit with their mother, she retrieved her satchel—the one she had packed upon her departure from Featherington House. Her cheeks flushed with warmth as she settled at the writing desk beside the grand window adjacent to her bed.
She had not intended to reveal everything, as she sat between them, but once she began, the words simply flowed from her. All the emotions she had ever harbored, the whispered conversations she had overheard last season, and then of Colin's proposal. She shook her head, dismissing that term. It had not been a proposal. Penelope recalled the way Kate's lips had tightened in disapproval upon hearing the manner in which he had suggested their union. It had been more akin to a mere proposition, she thought, noting with some mild resignation that even the man she loved only expended such trivial efforts towards her, however misguided his emotions were, she had wished that he would at least propose with proper form.
"Miss Featherington?"
Penelope almost levitated away from the table, she had become so engrossed with her papers that she had scarcely noticed the young maid approach the table. She quickly shuffled the papers, looking up at her.
"Begging your pardon Miss, I did knock." Penelope nodded tightly and glanced at the clock atop the mantle. It was well past midnight, the fireplace was now barely embers and her candle had burned almost completely down to the wick, dripping wax all over the table.
"Oh, that's quite alright," She hastily shoved the papers back into her satchel. "My, the time has simply escaped me. Thank you for coming to remind me." She made to stand when the maid nervously shook her head, causing Penelope to pause.
"Begging your pardon, Miss," the maid nervously tightened and untightened her hands on her apron. "There is someone who would like to speak to you."
Penelope wasn't sure what she was doing as she stood in the summer night clad only in her pink satin nightgown and pink slip. She hugged her arms as she stood waiting, feeling like a fool, a cool breeze flew through her, causing her fiery red hair to float in the wind, standing there in the Sharma family gazebo.
Their garden was a thing of beauty, bathed in the soft glow of the moon, it presented a tranquil and enchanting spectacle to the casual visitor, feeling like a vista from some distant romance novel she had once read. The tall hedges formed a wall of lush green, creating an intimate sanctuary, while the distant murmur of a babbling brook added a soothing cadence to the night time symphony.
A rustling to her right, interrupted her admiration of the garden and had Penelope turning to see Colin Bridgerton emerge from through the trees. Penelope only just refrained from crying out in surprise, lest she wake anyone.
"Mr. Bridgerton?" The astonishment was evident in her voice, though she struggled to steady it. She glanced between him and the maid, who appeared somewhat uncertain.
"I bribed the maid to ask you to come meet me." Penelope gave a slight nod towards the maid, indicating her approval and to suggest that she might depart. The maid bowed and, with a final glance, made her way briskly towards the servant's entrance, disappearing behind the hedges..
Penelope tried to remain composed. She had not anticipated running into him this quickly, she thought, as she backed away a little. He was observing her every movement, standing beneath the moon's gentle glow and the soft light of the torches affixed to the wall, regarding her with earnest intent.
"Colin, what are you doing here? How did you find me?" Her voice came out more frustrated than she intended and made to correct it but Colin put up a hand.
"I am aware that you might not wish to see me at this moment, but… I did not want to leave things as they were between us."
" Mr. Bridgerton - " Colin made a strangled noise of frustration.
"Please, I beg you to stop calling me that. Call me by my name, as you once did Penelope." His voice was plaintive, wounded by her endeavors to distance herself from him.
She shook her head, feeling him tugging at the delicate threads of her composure. Penelope was perilously close to losing the calm she had striven to maintain.
"I can't. Mr. Bridgert -" She saw his expression drop and amended her sentence " - Colin, whatever this is, it is misguided. Whatever you think you feel, it is not real ."
Colin stalked closer at this, the torchlight casting a warm glow upon his face and his dark brown hair falling disheveled over his forehead. Penelope took a step back, striving to maintain a respectful distance. If he drew any closer, she feared she might lose her focus. It was better to keep her distance. Colin, however, seemed oblivious to her retreat, his indignation evident in his demeanor.
"Not real? How can you tell me what I am feeling is not real?!"He gestured broadly, indicating their surroundings.
"Penelope, I have sought you out despite having no knowledge of your location or your reasons for distancing yourself from me." She shook her head, brushing a hand through her hair, unaware of the way his gaze followed the movement, tracing a path down her neck and lingering upon her bodice, faintly visible beneath her robe and slip.
"You do not understand."
"Then enlighten me," he replied, closing the distance to within arm's reach.
"You have never regarded me in such a manner," Penelope said, averting her gaze as a delicate blush began to rise to her cheeks.
"In what manner?" His voice dropped to a soft, insistent tone, urging her to elaborate.
"The way a man gazes upon a woman. The way you once looked at Marina—"
"Marina never made me feel as you do."
Her eyes met his sharply, finding his gaze resolute and filled with purpose. She trembled beneath his scrutiny but persisted, stepping backward.
"You do not love me," she said, as if to convince not only him but herself as well. "You act thus only because Lord Debling has expressed a wish to marry m-" She lifted her chin, her eyes flashing with defiance, challenging him to contradict her.
In an instant, he was within her space, his arms encircling her and pinning her to the pillar behind her. He loomed above her, and her voice faltered in her throat, as she became acutely aware of his presence in its entirety.
"Debling," he murmured, lowering his face to her neck and inhaling her fragrance, savoring the sound she made as his breath brushed her skin. He made a point never to touch her with his lips, leaving only a whisper of his presence as he traced a path down her neck. "Is a fool."
"He does not grasp what it means to experience true longing—desire as I do." Penelope found herself almost paralyzed, her body growing warm as his words fluttered near her ear.
"Desire—?" She cursed the tremor in her voice, which betrayed a depth of a feeling she was too frightened to name.
"Desire, want, yearning—I feel them all, Penelope." Colin drew her close with a swift motion, his arm encircling her waist. "You awaken in me a longing I have never known. When you enter a room, I am seized with an overwhelming urge to hold you close and never release you. I find myself dreaming of you each night, longing for your smile and laughter, preferring sleep if only to be near you."
"I—" Penelope's words were stifled by a gasp as he pulled her against him, her awareness heightened by the warmth of his hand through the delicate fabric of her slip.
"You asked me why now? Why when nothing has changed?" His words were sighed into her hair, her neck, any part of her he could reach. "Perhaps nothing has changed. Perhaps everything has."
He suddenly pressed them forward until Penelope's back met the cool stone of the pillar, and Colin's arm braced itself against it. He lifted his gaze to hers, drawing so close that his lips hovered just a hair's breadth from hers, though they never made contact.
"I spend every waking moment dreaming of you," he groaned, his breath warm against her mouth. "I imagine how you would appear if I touched you, how you would utter my name when—" His arm tightened around her waist with an intensity that sent a shiver through her. His eyes darkened with a hunger she had never witnessed before. He swallowed hard, his gaze locking with hers in a way that seemed to fan a flame within him, a flame he struggled to contain. Penelope could only gaze at him, stunned by his intensity, her breath coming in shallow, hurried gasps.
It was only then that Colin seemed to lose whatever tenuous hold he held on himself and with an urgent fervor, crushed his lips to hers, silencing her sigh with his own He was a man possessed, feeling as though he were tasting a forbidden fruit as the taste of her burst across his tongue, sweet and addicting.
His hands tangled themselves in her hair, swallowing every sound she made, until they suddenly heard the distant sound of leaves crunching underfoot. Colin wrenched himself away with great difficulty, looking at Penelope, a chasm of unsaid words stretching between them. Her chest heaved, her lips swollen from his kisses and he reached out to touch her hair until the sound of footsteps approached. He looked towards the hedges and bowed in front of her, raising her hand to his lips, he placed a soft kiss upon its back. He let her hand go gently and retreated.
"Penelope?"
She started, turning to see Kate standing near the hedges, a look of confusion upon her countenance.
"What on earth are you doing out here alone? It is nearly midnight!" Penelope swiftly turned back, only to find Colin had vanished. She struggled for a moment to find a suitable explanation before replying.
"I simply… required some fresh air." Kate clicked her tongue disapprovingly as she noted Penelope's inadequate attire.
"Well, be that as it may, you must take care. You will surely catch a chill in such clothing!" With brisk efficiency, Kate took Penelope by the arm and guided her back towards the manor, chiding her as they went. Penelope scarcely heard her, her fingers lingering upon her lips.