A Week Apart, Oh My Heart

Molly_Jae

Summary:

Anthony loved Penelope, and he knew her well enough to know he wanted her to be in his life forever — even if it meant she might eventually marry some other nobleman or (god forbid) his own brother. Soon after realizing his feelings, he fled to Aubrey Hall for a week, set on getting his act together before Penelope realized just why he had decided that some distance might do them some good.

This is that week.

Part of the Hear Our Hearts Speak Verse.

Notes:

This is a supplement to Chapter 23 of Hear Our Hearts Speak, where Anthony was gone for a week trying (and failing) to sort himself out skalksdjf

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Day One

Philautia — The Love of Self — The Greek word philautia represents the love of self, encompassing both healthy and unhealthy forms. It is the foundation for our capacity to love and care for others. However, when self-love becomes excessive and preoccupied with personal fame and fortune, it can hinder our ability to connect with others and cultivate meaningful relationships.

Anthony stood unblinking by one of the windows in Aubrey Hall's library, looking out into the back of the estate. The last time he had been here had been when he had found Kate alone during the storm (and they had then been found by Penelope and Daphne in turn). He had not felt strong enough to step foot in the place since, feeling as if it had been the true marker of when his sense of self had unraveled and nothing had remained but the man who was too proud to end a doomed courtship and too cowardly to admit to his feelings.

He would like to think he was different now.

There would be no sibling heartbroken because of his love for another this time. Not either of Penelope's. And certainly none of his.

A part of him wished he was still the same man that he had been before any of his sisters had debuted — content with the attention and affection of courtesans and singers, and as far from the possibility of loving anyone as much as or more than he did his family. That man had feared nothing but death and disappointing his mother and his siblings. How much easier his life had been.

And yet he found that he rather liked who he had grown to be since.

Even just compared to the man that had left Aubrey Hall for the start of the current London Season, he felt far removed from him. That man had not understood the hurt that Eloise had been going through or the truth behind Francesca's often projected perfection. That man had not been on the best of terms with Benedict. That man had thought his will to live and to love was all the way in Prussia.

He was a better man now for having endured the heartbreak that he had — and for having learned the new fact of life that he now lived with: that his heart had long been on his sleeve, making its way to Penelope with every shared look, every conversation exchanged, and every dance partaken.

In the distance, he could make out the alcove that housed his father's memorial, and he lamented the brief reprieve he had experienced last season when he and Penelope had stood there, catching up on all that had happened in their lives during the season. She had asked if he thought his father would have liked Edwina, and he had known then, just as he had told her, that he thought his father would have liked anyone he professed to love. He had thought then of his mother's own wish that all her children find love matches and knew that his father had felt much the same. That was one of the few things his parents had been able to impress upon all their children, after all. While good matches in terms of status and finance were great, they had wanted their children to aim for love matches. If such matches were good because it was both a love match and a stable one, then it would have been perfect.

Penelope had then asked if he had loved Edwina, but his own mind had instead considered Kate and even then he had known it was not love. It could have been, or it could have grown to be, but it was not and it had not.

Penelope had asked as she inclined her head, "Do you love her?"

His mind went immediately to Kate then, and he knew immediately that any sort of affirmation would be a lie. He prepared to say as much, only to have them be interrupted by his brothers.

No, instead, the very woman that had been asking him about love had received the dubious honor of being the object of his affections. And he knew now, with a strength of character he did not think he possessed several months ago, that he loved himself well and truly enough that he no longer doubted whether he was worthy of love at all.

Anthony smiled as he thought of how Penelope and the rest of his family had unwittingly contributed to that.

Who could have foreseen where they would be now?

That night, Anthony dreamt of his childhood, and of the times when he had never even questioned his worth and the love he was freely given.

One such dream featured a redheaded woman seated on a bench beside him, reading a novel.

~

Day Two

Storge — The Love Within Families — It is the natural and unconditional love that parents have for their children and siblings have for each other. Storge is characterized by a deep sense of affection, care, and familiarity.

Anthony had been sixteen when he had become a viscount, and while he had been regarded as an adult even before then because he was the heir, he knew he had struggled with the adjustment all the same. After all, while his post came with privilege and prestige, there was no mistaking that it also came with duties and obligation that a young man of six and ten should never have shouldered alone.

And he had been alone, for the most part at least. Benedict, Colin, and Daphne had certainly helped where they could, but it was still largely isolating to suddenly be the head of their family.

In her grief, Violet had unwittingly left Anthony to pick up the pieces and make sense of what it suddenly meant to be a father to all but Benedict, who at fourteen had stepped up to care for his siblings alongside his older brother. Colin, ever sensitive, and Daphne, ever reliable, had helped without even being asked. They had all done well caring for Eloise, Francesca, Gregory, and (later on) Hyacinth, Anthony thought proudly.

Admittedly, Anthony thought it was much easier to be a viscount than to be Head of House. He only had to answer to his peers or parliament or their tenants. There were several learned people whose very job was to ensure the smooth facilitation of the lands and finances.

Anthony had had to navigate his role as Head of House, father-figure, and brother largely on his own, and he knew Violet mourned the boyhood she thought he had been robbed of because of it. Only, Anthony would not have changed anything for the world.

Other than his father's death, he thought they had all come out rather well. They were all certainly closer to each other than most siblings in the ton because of it. He saw it's effects in the little things: it was in the way Eloise always sought Benedict for comfort and confidence, and how Colin and Francesca were most comfortable coexisting in a space without uttering a word to each other; it was in the way Hyacinth was still learning that she could no longer have Anthony carry her on his hip and how Gregory always sought Daphne's praise whenever he did something in her vicinity.

Even Daphne's harsh words from last season evoked a different emotion within him now.

"Do you know you did not even weep once?" Daphne had asked, voice even and filled with judgment. "And you stopped laughing, altogether, in fact. It was as though you had become an entirely different person, consumed by the expectations of others."

"And what choice did I have?" He had argued, frustration boiling into rage as the young man forced to become head of the family within his very soul was thoroughly provoked. "I changed so that our family might survive, so that you could be respectable enough to marry a duke. I am happy for you, Sister, but I'm not like you. I have never wished to succumb to the blind delight of being in love. I cannot so indulge myself."

He loved his family with a fierceness that none other could rival. He loved them and would do anything for them if they so asked or even hinted. It was why he had tried to help Benedict at the Academy and continued to fund Colin's travels — though admittedly the latter was not entirely true as Colin was in charge of a large portion of his own inheritance now. It was certainly why he had inevitably acquiesced to Penelope's gentle reminder that he ought to trust Daphne's good sense in navigating her season, and why he reminded Violet to ease off of the pressure on Eloise this season.

His musings had reminded him of one glaring reason he could never act on his feelings for Penelope: Colin.

There was no true confirmation as to Colin's feelings for her, but there was also no mistaking his brother's affection for the redhead. She had always held a special spot in his heart — a fact known to all the Bridgertons. It was why they had all resigned the pair to each other, did they not?

It seemed so reasonable for them to couple up eventually.

Now if only Colin's eldest brother had not gone and fallen in love with her.

His dreams that night betrayed the one thing he wished he could give his family: a viscountess that would be a good daughter-in-law to Violet and sister-in-law to his siblings.

Anthony laughed as Eloise and Gregory continued to conspire against him in their game. He slung the mallet of death over his shoulder, rolling his eyes when Eloise unapologetically ensured his ball was thrown not only off course but of such a great distance that he would have to leave the rest of their turns unattended just looking for it.

To his left, tucked into his side and under his arm, Penelope laughed, her own green mallet in her hand.

"Do our vows not state that you ought to always be on my side?" He teased her, only to have her roll her eyes and retort:

"Against the world, sure, but not against our family — and certainly not against Eloise."

Everyone shared a laugh at his expense then, and all he could think was how nothing could be better than—

"Oh!" Penelope exclaimed, pressing a hand to her stomach. "I think even our child agrees."

~

Day Three

Ludus — The Playful and Flirtatious Love — characterized by its lightheartedness and enjoyment of the moment. It is the love that we experience in the early stages of a romantic relationship or the playful banter and laughter shared among friends.

On the third day of his stay in Aubrey Hall, just before he woke, he dreamt of an altered memory. It reflected Penelope as she was now, instead of the young lady that had yet to debut she had been when he had first caught her playing hide-and-seek with his siblings…

"Ready or not, here I come!" He heard Penelope call out as he shifted to try and better hide behind the desk with Hyacinth.

"Shh…" Hyacinth chastised him with a toothy giggle, "Pen will hear us!"

Much closer now, Penelope asked, "Now where could Hyacinth be?"

Hyacinth tried to contain her laughter, but to no avail. In an effort to help her, Anthony ushered her well and truly under the desk just as Penelope attempted to dart around.

"Could she be…here?" She asked just as he stood to his full height abruptly, surprising her.

Anthony grinned and shrugged, "I'm afraid it's just me."

"Just you?" She repeated dubiously, smiling, "But you're Lord Bridgerton!" Her tone was teasing as much as it was fond. "Besides, there is no 'just' when it comes to a Bridgerton."

He walked around the desk to take her hand in his, echoing her laughter when he spun her before restarting a dance they had long since perfected. "Do I get a prize for being found?"

"The point of the game is not to be found, Sir." She said, smirking up at him. Her eyes sparkled with humor and mischief, and Anthony was unable to look away.

"Ah then I must be playing an entirely different game," he replied, feigning a somber nod, "because I had been ensuring you found me."

Something else seemed to shift in their periphery, and Anthony's eyes widened at Penelope's words.

"Why don't you help me find our daughter?" She asked, dodging the kiss he was about to place upon her lips. "Then we'll see if you deserve a reward."

As if summoned, a little girl with curly red hair and dark eyes peeked into the door.

Anthony woke with a start, heart pounding.

He sat up, knowing the idea of a daughter with Penelope's hair would never leave his mind now that his imagination had conjured it. What a good life that seemed to be: Penelope as his wife, a daughter (and maybe a son), his partner for the rest of his life…

And because his mind had conjured the thought, he felt like the ghost of his and Penelope's imaginary children was both following and hiding from him as he walked the halls of his family's country estate. When was the last time children had freely run around Aubrey Hall? Was it when Gregory and Hyacinth were both children themselves?

It would not be long before Augie would be big enough to cause chaos himself, but it might be a while yet before he had cousins that could and would enjoy playing with him.

~

Day Four

Philia — The Love of Friendship — It is the love that we share with our closest friends and companions, based on shared values and experiences.

Eloise and Penelope's argument at the end of last season replayed in Anthony's mind sometimes, especially as they reconciled and showed how to overcome their predicament with love and communication. It was wonderful to witness Eloise's growth into someone who could accept when she was wrong without having to diminish her own light.

"I do not even know you," Eloise had said in disgust. "I look at you now, and all I feel is pity for you. Sequestered here in this very room, writing your secret little scandal sheet, tarnishing everyone in town because you are too scared to stand up for yourself in reality. You are something, Penelope. An insipid wallflower, indeed."

Penelope had not been one to hold back then either, having been angered in a way only Eloise could have provoked. "At least I did something. All you ever do is talk about doing something. You've all these great ambitions, these great plans, but I am the one who did something great, and you cannot stand it, can you?!"

"And what do you think that makes you?"

Anthony would like to think he and Penelope had also settled into a comfortable friendship. Surely their mornings together had fostered that, if nothing else.

She had come to be one of his most treasured persons. Separate even from his falling in love with her, he thought. He valued her opinions on his life and his decisions. His mornings shared with her now felt like a glimpse into a life they could have had together: mornings in Aubrey Hall, enclosed in their own little circle, and then eventually facing the world together.

Perhaps it was not the best idea to be here now, as all he could think about was her time here last season, when they had spoken by his father's memorial and she had shown a degree of maturity and understanding that had both surprised and eased something within him. She had always been that, he realized: a source of comfort and his place of peace.

When had that even happened?

And how did he let it get to that?

Yet in the same vein…

How could he ever let her go?

Penelope was his dearest friend and his closest confidante. Save for perhaps his feelings for her, she knew him as well as perhaps even Simon and Benedict did — perhaps better even, because she had certainly seen him in vulnerable moments that even Simon or Benedict had not been privy to.

However, to think of Penelope and Eloise, and to compare her to Simon or Benedict, made him think of another friendship that would certainly need to be considered in the face of these feelings within him.

Penelope and Colin.

He had yet to hear from Colin after his hastily sent letter imploring him to return, but he had a feeling Colin would certainly return — not only to witness Francesca's wedding, but certainly to confront Penelope as well. After all, he must have some opinions on her future prospects, would he not? He had certainly made a fuss about caring for her and protecting her last season. Granted, he mucked that up by speaking ill of her.

Anthony did not think he would be able to hurt his brother in such an intimate way if he were to ever express his feelings.

Besides, what was the years of friendship shared between Eloise, Colin, and Penelope compared to that he shared with her? He might have spent more time with her recently, but that might amount to nothing in her eyes.

And was that not such a painful thought in itself?

He loved her.

He loved her as a friend.

He loved her as a possible partner.

~

Day Five

Eros — The Passionate Love — It is characterized by its physical and sensual nature, driven by attraction and sexual longing. In the early stages of a relationship, eros can be overwhelming, consuming our thoughts and actions.

"Anthony," she murmured as she tilted her head up, breath fanning against his lips tantalizingly. Oh if she only knew what she was doing to him.

"Pen." He sighed, running his nose down Penelope's neck. "Penelope." He pressed a kiss to her bosom, grinning when she gasped. "My Penelope."

She fisted his hair and tugged, making him look up at her. "Kiss me."

He smirked. "I just did."

"More," gasped Penelope as Anthony's hands settled on her derriere.

"More?" He echoed, squeezing appreciatively. She moaned, and he rearranged her so that she was on his lap and straddling him. It struck him then how they were in the Featherington Gardens, barely concealed and with the moon, the stars, and the lamps rendering Penelope aglow in the most ethereal light.

"Please," she whispered, eyes glazed even as she met his.

Anthony nibbled on the flesh of her breast, visible over the emerald dress she was wearing. "Oh you do not know what you ask of me."

His nimble fingers were already undoing the ties of her corset as he spoke, ever helpless to the plight of a beautiful woman. He was but a man. And with the feel of her pressed against him and her fingers digging into his skin, who was he to decline her anything?

She gasped when he bit her harder, pushing into his mouth while also bearing down on his lap and hardening member.

"Then show me, Lord Bridgerton."

"I will ruin you, Lady Bridgerton."

Anthony woke then, feeling warm all over and a cold sheen of sweat covering him. He was a man grown dreaming of a beautiful woman. That was not exactly surprising, but by God was it humiliating to be as affected as he was.

He cupped himself in an attempt to ease his arousal, only to end up thinking of every other moment she had been pressed against him: their shared dances, their brief hugs…

That night he had accosted her when he had first found her delivering the latest issue of Whistledown.

There had been nothing perverted in his intentions when he had put a hand over her mouth and an arm around her, but now the feel of her body in his arms in such an intimate embrace. He could still recall her scent and the dim glow of candlelight illuminating her red hair. She had been tense and scared, but when she had recognized his voice, she had seemed to melt into his arms — and was it not a heady feeling to have his woman fall into his arms?

A groan left him as he took himself in hand and began to stroke.

There was no way he would be able to go about the rest of his day without the idea of Penelope straddling him on their bench constantly in his mind.

It made him wonder what Penelope would be like in reality. Would she be loud and expressive, just as she was in her writing? Would she be soft-spoken and shy, just as she tended to be? Would she be open to new experiences and creative ways to bring pleasure to herself and her partner? Would she—

Anthony came, thinking of red hair, lush lips, and bright blue eyes meeting his own as she too reached her peak.

~

Day Six

Agape — The Selfless and Unconditional Love — It is often associated with divine love or the love of God for humanity. Agape is characterized by its unselfish nature, as it involves caring for and loving others without expecting anything in return.

Perhaps, in another life, Anthony would have lived a long charmed life as an heir before his father passed in old age and he would have to face reality. That was not this life though, and he was at least grateful this was a life where he grew to witness his family becoming kind and remarkable people pursuing their passions and finding love.

It should not have surprised him how Penelope was easily counted among those he considered family; among those he would do anything to make happy.

The thought made him confront another concern of his after realizing his love for her: what if she did love Thomas? Or Colin? Or some other man?

How did he fit into her life then?

And the answer came with an ease that hurt and soothed him all the same: he would continue to be her friend.

He would do all he could to ensure her happiness — even if it meant living a life away from (and possibly without) him.

And if that also meant her possibly marrying his brother? Then he would be happy that two of the people he loved found love with each other.

It would hurt.

Of course, it would.

But her happiness meant more to him than his own. And it was now so deeply written into his soul that he did not think anything else would matter.

He could see the future unfolding in his mind now:

Colin would return and sweep Penelope off her feet. He would have realized his feelings because of the letter Anthony had sent, and because of it, would be spurred into action.

Anthony would stand by their sides, supportive and happy for them. At least in that way, Penelope would be happy and she would still be in his life. That would be cause for happiness for practically everyone in his family, would it not? And because they were happy, then he was happy.

Because he loved her.

And he would want her to be happy above all else.

~

Day Seven

Pragma — The Enduring and Committed Love — It is often associated with long-established couples who have built a deep understanding and acceptance of each other. Pragma involves making compromises and showing patience and tolerance for the sake of the relationship.

Because he would continue to love her no matter what.

He realized it with a certainty he had never felt with, or about, anyone else.

She had seen him and his family through a variety of situations: from before Daphne even debuted, to the various scandals they had weathered — even reporting on some of it herself! He was sure that he would not just be speaking for himself if he claimed that she had become someone he could no longer live without.

There was no question of the hows or whys now. It did not matter. He did not care. What was love but your heart and mind finding a place they could both find peace? What was love but a feeling that inspired greatness? Was it not what fueled great artists? Was it not what helped ensure happiness? Was it not the one thing his parents had hoped all their children secured?

It mattered not whether they one day married or went on to live separate lives.

Anthony loved Penelope, and would do so for the rest of his life.

Nothing would change that.

Not her being unaware of it.

Not his own inaction on them.

And so he would continue to love her as he has now realized he has for a while: as her dear and trusted friend.

That would have to be enough