Title: Eras of Us [Part Two]
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 9.8k
/
When you get to the choir room the next day, everyone's already sat around but you notice immediately that Brittany isn't there.
You shoot Puck a look from the front, as he's sat next to his brother and Quinn – a tactful move, you suspect – but he just shrugs, knowing your focus as it was the same focus last night on the ride home, and Mr Schue comes in with April in toe shortly after, announcing another completely unoriginal diva off, so you take a seat near them.
Kurt, Rachel and Mercedes have chosen to sit on the sidelines, highlighting that they're undoubtedly going to be clawing each other's eyes out for the spotlight once again, and you almost decide right then and there to leave and find Brittany as you haven't seen her about this morning. But Quinn catches your eye, smiles at you and whispers she'll be here, and the concern is quelled for the next few minutes, even if the urge begins burning brightly when the unbearably competitive trio get up and start singing, reliving Sophomore year all over again.
The song goes on, and you roll your eyes when it finishes the same way all of the others did, with the vest addict stepping in and making everyone take time to think it over when your homegirl Mercedes is the clear winner, and that's when you turn back to Quinn. She did say that Brittany would be here, which she still isn't, and that means she must have seen her so if you're going on a search, you need to know where to start.
"Where is she?"
Quinn smiles knowingly, like she always has done when you talk about Brittany, and shrugs. "She was out in the courtyard earlier with the Chess club, but I thought she'd come in for that," she sweeps her hands out, gesturing to Rachel who's pouting like a petulant child, Kurt who looks like he's about to throw a tantrum and Mercedes who is burning with frustration, arms folded and sass out in full force, as her win has yet again been delayed.
You really think Mr Schue has it out for that girl.
"Chess club?" You repeat, as you know every club Brittany was associated with when you went here and that wasn't one of them. "What the hell is she doing with them?"
"God knows," Quinn lifts a shoulder and turns to look at Puck who does the same thing. "She's been acting really weird."
You've noticed, and you don't like that other people have too because that's a sure sign you're not delusional and you were kind of hoping this wasn't going to happen as it's up to you to change that. You've been the only person that's ever managed to pick her up when she's down, despite many feeble attempts from others such as Artie and Sam.
Neither of them really ever compared to you.
"Yeah, I'm trying to figure out why and what to do about it." you admit and turn in your chair to face them completely, pulling down the edges of your skirt so you don't show the goods. "She thought that she messed up during our Unholy Trinity number," you eye Quinn who frowns instantly, agreeing with you silently because that's impossible. "And she's been like, really distracted by all the crap MIT keeps throwing at her."
Puck scoots his chair closer, an obvious cover of the need to be closer to the blonde next to him, but you just keep focus as they can have their moment another time.
This is about Brittany, and you think you're going to need some help as if you tackle this problem alone, it'll highlight your continuous concern for her wellbeing, and that's never been just friendly. At least with these two sticking their noses in, you have a cover if this becomes a problem in the future and that's an easy thing to explain to Dani, should she ask.
"I thought dancing with us would relight her fire, you know?" You wince, noting that it obviously failed because you were dumb enough to think she'd be okay with singing with Quinn. "Take her back to where we started so she could remember her old self."
"Not sure me being there helped that," Quinn cuts in and you grimace as yup, you were right and apparently, not the only one to think that. Puck confirms it when he and Quinn share a look like they've talked about this. "I probably just reminded her of how different things are now, and how things change," she shrugs, and you hate that logic because it can't be wrong and that just makes it so much worse.
Someone has outdone you on Brittany knowledge, which means you need to dig deeper, and potentially, in a far more dangerous area.
"So, what do I do?"
Puck looks hopeless, Quinn notices and then matches his position and expression, and you click your tongue, vision drifting off towards the rest of the room as they don't have the answers. There are so many memories here, and you know that the most important ones like when you were singing Fleetwood Mac to Brittany in Junior year, scared and closeted, and when you had accepted yourself and became who you were meant to be, singing to her in front of everyone during that 80s week.
You two shared so much, and you can't even begin to count how many hours you spent just you and her, rehearsing in this space, not having to hide how you wanted to touch each other and be free around each other. Like when you were rehearsing for Junior year Regionals, she was effortlessly beautiful and flawless and–
Holy shit.
You've got it.
The theme this week is singing songs from the past, and you were considering pissing Rachel off some more by killing another one of her go to songs in front of everyone and not for the position of her understudy – maybe another Barbara rendition – but you've only got one shot, and what's better than a duet with Brittany?
Way back when, you refused to do a Melissa Etheridge one with her, terrified of being outed and real, and you made up for that with a Whitney number, but that's when you were together and so this can be the third occasion where a duet means something.
It's always picked up Brittany's spirits, made her relax and remember what she was born to do, and she's always been the one to encourage you to rehearse and perform. It's also for the purpose of saying goodbye to Glee club and to see Brittany smile again, and that's pretty much all the convincing you need to settle on that being not only a great idea, but an innocent one, too.
"I've got it," you breathe out loud, earning two confused stares from Quinn and Puck who share another one when you don't reply. "I'll see you guys later, I've gotta find Britt."
They barely even get out grunt of acknowledgement before you're leaning on Unique's shoulder to climb down from the back and darting out the room.
/
When you get out to the courtyard, you see Brittany instantly.
She's sat on the concrete steps, clutching a megaphone and shouting something about pinko communists to the human chess pieces. All of them are dead still, and you're kind of amazed that they have such dedication to their club as nothing on God's green Earth would get you dressed in one of those costumes, stood out in the blaring sun, not speaking, not moving and listening to someone who doesn't even go to the school anymore, bark orders at them.
But it seems to be entertaining Brittany, so you weave through the bodies and over the board, getting more and more freaked out when she just continues shouting orders and doesn't immediately look at you. She even missed the peacocking trio fighting through music like they used to which is something you two always enjoyed watching together, and that sets alarm bells off as this just isn't who she is, and that's what you say as you take a seat next to her.
The offer of a duet comes out, and she politely declines by telling you that never ending math equations are her life now, but that just burns the fire inside of you more. There's no willing to change, and you know if you grabbed her by the hand, looked deeply into her eyes and convinced her, she might give in but that's not the right way to do to. You need to be more subtle, but also more obvious and if you throw some sort of intervention by cornering her – like she did with Elaine – then she can't back out.
So maybe you'll have to take this back to the choir room, and you swallow the argument to glance back at the gigantic chess board as Brittany continues her game.
/
After your plan succeeds, Brittany rolls her eyes when you tell her how great she does when she doesn't think about it, and you can't pretend you don't melt inside when she bumps her shoulders with yours and links her pinky through your own.
But then Puckerman's asking everyone to move to the auditorium, staring at everyone that isn't Quinn and you wait until everyone's left, with Brittany telling you she's gotta go pick up her little sister up, before getting Puck alone and asking him what his intentions are.
"What's your plan then, Private Puckerman?"
He pretends to not know what you're talking about, and you know he is kind of dumb, but he's also not and has proven that time and time again, so he quickly gives up the façade and walks over to grab his guitar, taking off his jacket.
"When we were talking about Britt with Quinn earlier, you gave me an idea," he shrugs and loops the strap over his neck, strumming lightly at the strings. "Felt like maybe both our girls need to be taken back in time to when things weren't so complicated and remind them we've been there through every version and always will be."
It means something that he's on the same track as you, and you feel weird about it, but you guess this is the end in a lot of ways, and Finn's death made his immature ass grow up so there are other motives there, too. Long gone is the irresponsible pool cleaner, as this guy has turned into a military man with manners and has a decent haircut for once. He's matured in ways you never could have expected, and that makes you want to help him as he's kind of helped you.
(Pissed you off too, as you can't get out your head what he said before driving off the other night, but you're trying not to think about that.)
(If his dumb ass can give you advice, maybe you need to consider that you're a dumb ass, too.)
"Let's go then," you tip your head and flash a smile, and he grins at you before you walk out the choir room and head for the auditorium.
/
You usher everyone away when Puck goes and sits with a crying Quinn.
He eyes you and gives you a subtle nod, which you're taking as a non-verbal thanks, and it's pretty easy to make everyone disperse, even if Rachel tries to linger. Kicking her ass out does pass through your mind, but you're more interested in letting Puck take his shot than do that – for now, anyway – and Kurt drags her away, anyway so luckily you don't need to get vicious.
You all leave shortly after Quinn – guess his plan failed – with Mike and Mercedes hanging back and asking if you want to go for drinks, and you accept but you can't ignore the urge to know if Brittany's going to be there, so you fold your arms, follow silently and wait until you're all in the back of Mike's car a few minutes later to ask.
"Who else is coming?"
Mercedes turns from the front passenger seat, peering at you. "Puck said he'd come by with Quinn and I think Artie and Kitty might drop by," she tells you but you narrow your eyes.
"Isn't Kitty like, 15?"
"17," Mike counters, eying you through the central mirror. "But she's got a fake ID, apparently."
You bob your head, swallowing the question as that doesn't let you know if someone else is going to be there, but you guess Mercedes picks up on it as she hooks an arm over the drivers side chair, like it'll stop Mike from hearing what she says and fills in the blanks.
"Brittany's gonna be there, too," she whispers, and you frown, pretending like you don't know why she's telling you but then there's that knowing eyebrow quirk, the one that's usually accompanied by a hand on the hip, and you force yourself to look away. This bitch knows you too well after being in the Troubletones together. That was the start of you and Brittany publicly. "Sam said he's picking her up. They're coming together."
You know there's some shit going down with Mercedes and Sam – you're not blind – so you turn to look back into her eye, hoping that you'll see some reassurance that she isn't worried about that. There isn't though, just a lingering stare that makes you think she's hoping you have news on that potential re-coupling, and so you swallow against the lump forming in your throat and offer a light-tipped smile, exhaling heavily but realising it comes out more of a breath of relief than just you simply breathing.
"Great. Turn it up, Chang," you direct the words to the driver as one of the many songs Glee covered comes on the radio, and Mercedes rolls her eyes, smiles but begins belting out the first few lyrics.
/
The bar is packed when you get there, and you all crowd into one booth in the corner, all leaning over the table and watching as Quinn and Puck walk in together, but they're not hand in hand like you expected them to be.
Which can only mean Puck's plan definitely failed, even if he never mentioned getting the girl being the goal and you eye Quinn for a long moment, seeing the tell-tale signs that she's been crying like blood shot eyes and smudged mascara. Maybe he got to her, and like she's always needed, she might take some time to think it over because as far as you know, her rich douchebag boyfriend is still in the picture and that's an issue with currently zero resolution.
Anyway, you push those thoughts away when Kurt asks if you want a shot, and you bob your head before joining in with the conversation, pretending like you can't feel Brittany's eyes on you. Since you walked in, ten minutes after Mike and Mercedes, she's been staring at you non-stop and you know it's because of your duet together earlier, but that was just to help her get on her way. She just needs to move on, remember who she is and drop all this MIT crap as it's not her and she's only her when she's with you or dancing.
Seeing as the former isn't a possibility, you know the latter is where she'll go and you're hoping she'll go and do all the things you hoped she would when you broke up.
She deserves it.
"Shot, shot, shot!" Comes from beside you, and you wrinkle your nose up when you see Rachel trying to steal the limelight – as per usual – but just as you're about to say something spicy, you feel a foot nudge your ankle and snap your head up to find Brittany shaking her head, left to right, and smiling at you.
And well, that damn look could stop a freaking tsunami.
So you just roll your eyes, ignoring the fact she still has the same effect on you as she always has – you're putty in her hands – but you're not supposed to be anywhere near her hands, and you should remember that as you spent ten minutes talking to Dani before you got here. It was a pathetic move, you're aware, but you just needed to remember that just because you're back in Lima, doesn't mean you're back to your old life.
You have a new one, and that's in New York, pissing Rachel off by proving to her that ten thousand hours practising in the mirror with a hairbrush by her face won't beat your natural, effortless shine and eventually, you'll pulling an I Tonya by killing her dream of Funny Girl.
Everyone throws back their shot, following it with a beer chaser and you wince, even though you're used to drinking thanks to your time at the Coyote Ugly bar and feel the low buzz in your ears as the inevitable effect kicks in. It's only one shot and a chaser, but you've barely eaten today and so you decide fuck it, you could do with a few more – you haven't been super drunk since the fake Santa situation last Christmas as that was traumatic as hell – and Kurt throws a smirk at you before ordering another round.
However you really should've put some thought into it, because the minute the third shot goes down everyone's throats, someone suggests that you go dancing and seeing as you innocently performed a duet with Brittany in the choir room earlier with no negative ramifications, you automatically reach across the table and drag her out to the dance floor. She giggles and tries to resist but you did it once today, and you'll go to extreme lengths to do it again and she sees it because she rolls her eyes like she did earlier at you, grins and then you both begin moving to the beat after pushing through the crowd.
People are around, with Mike darting between everyone and pulling some serious shapes, and Puck acts like a total dick by pretending to do a strip tease as he's still in his uniform and tosses his hat at Quinn who doesn't put it on and instead looks super unimpressed, but it still feels weird. Mostly because you've still got your hand in Brittany's – not her pinky – and she's clutching on like she's not willing to let go unless you do.
(Ironically, a theme that you've both come across before.)
So after two songs, you announce you're going for a cigarette and shockingly – only shocking as you're a little drunk – Brittany follows without you asking, holding open the doors and gesturing for you to go.
Usually, you'd leave with Puck for this kind of time out, but he did tell you that he has to be responsible, and you guess being in the military means he can't sneak a smoke in, whether it be of the recreational drug smoke or just tobacco and so the way he shook his head before you left makes sense now.
But then you realise it's just you and Brittany, alone in the smoking area as no-one else is around and shit… Maybe those three shots have made you lose sense as this is the type of situation you should be actively avoiding getting into.
Your guard is non-existent when she's around and that's when you're sober.
"So, I wanted to thank you," Brittany suddenly starts speaking as you dig through your purse, finding a cigarette and a lighter. You put the stick between your lips, flicking at the flint and squinting when the bright flame burns in front of your eyes momentarily before you take in your first drag, but truth be told, you only did that in hopes she'd just keep talking instead of waiting like she is now, for you to ask why she's thanking you.
She knows you far too well.
"What for?" You ask anyway, even though you know.
Still, she holds your eye and leans on the wall beside you, head rolling to the right to stare at your profile as you blow out smoke. "For doing that duet with me earlier," she says and you don't know why those words sound so familiar, but you pause for as second to repeat them mentally.
You swear you've heard them before.
"It made me do some thinking," Brittany continues and you force your body to focus on lifting the cigarette to your lips to smoke it as that quicker you do that, the quicker you can get inside and around other people, but your mind is somewhere else entirely. Somewhere trying to figure out why these words are making your skin spike, like your being has been here before even though you don't know when. "And I think you might have been right, you know."
You do look at her this time, as you like being right so you just want visual confirmation but it's the wrong thing to do because she's smiling, not flinching, like she knew that'd make you turn your head and damn… How is she always one step in front of you? It's freaking annoying, and puts you back in a time when she could just cross the gap and kiss you, but she definitely can't now.
For a long list of reasons.
But before you stumble away and reveal the obvious effect she still has on you in this proximity, your mouth decides to reply whilst your brain is still conjuring up a response, and you curse yourself the second the question comes out. "Right about what?"
"Me," she fires back without a beat, eyebrow quirking in a way it's done many times before and you swallow thickly. God, you hate it how much you don't hate when she does that. "Turns out you know me better than I know myself, even after everything," she whispers and you swear your heart stops when blue eyes dart to the south of your face.
You need to get out of this stare. You need to listen to the voice inside your head screaming at you to drop the cigarette, even as a distraction as it's only at the halfway point so you can't stub it out, because you have a different life now. You live in New York, you have a girlfriend, you're not entirely sure what you're doing with your future but you're taking it day by day and that should be a focus.
Brittany, your ex, shouldn't be and so the smart thing to do would be to just clear your throat, drop your head and step out of this trance, but that's the issue… You're entranced by her and embarrassingly eager to hear what she has to say so all intelligence has flown out the window.
"I'm better when I don't think, like you said," she utters, voice a pitch lower than usual and you've heard it on many occasions. When she told you that you should've won Prom Queen and kissed you for the first time after all that awkward shit with Artie – and when she told you that she wanted you to go to New York, so she could live a happy picture perfect life with Sam.
You've heard it way too many times to know it means this conversation isn't safe, but all you can do is listen.
"I dance better, I sing better," she shrugs and finally breaks the stare by rolling her head back, tilting it up to eye the night sky. "I just do things better when I'm not focusing, and in some ways, when I found out I was smart, I began thinking so much that my body forget how to work without my brain and it took over," she explains and you swallow thickly, feeling less tense now as the conversation is venturing into safe zones by steering back towards MIT and all the crap you've spoken about since you got back to Lima.
"Ironically, discovering that I was genius, actually led me to make dumb choices," she finishes with a bitter chuckle, biting on her bottom lip and letting out a heavy sigh as she drops her gaze to the sidewalk by her feet. "I don't think I've ever been so unhappy before," leaves her mouth and you gasp, the breath lodging in your throat as she picks her head up to look you in the eye once more. "But when we sang together today…"
Fuck.
She's got that look in her eye again, and the voice in your head gets even louder – drowning out the sound of your pulse roaring in your ears – but you just hold your breath.
"I just came back to life, you know?" She follows and the cigarette in hand continues to burn, the ash being blown away by the slight wind, but you don't see that. All you see is bright blue, and honesty, and everything you fell deeply in love with once upon a time ago and it makes you melt inside. "I switched off my head, just let myself be who I used to and I feel like I need to start doing that more," she bobs her head, sucking her lips into her mouth but you know you're screwed.
Especially when she blinks slowly. So fucking slowly that the world stops turning, and you're shouting at yourself to walk back inside as the cigarette is basically done now, to just get back to your friends but you can't. You weren't able to five minutes ago when given the first opportunity, and that was easier than right now but she's just holding your eye and letting her vision dart very obviously down to your mouth and all it would take is–
"Great," you chirp, scared by the volume of your voice and how squeaky the word came out and Brittany jerks her head back as you let your body take over and step back, clearing your throat as you drop the butt to the ground and stub it out with the tip of your boot. "I think that's a great idea," you continue as the one word answer didn't make her speak, but also as there was approximately three seconds of silence and your mind was about to tell you to do something you shouldn't want to. "You've always been smart, and not just on paper," you finish with a lift of your shoulder and the most genuine smile you can muster…
But she doesn't smile back.
In fact, Brittany doesn't even freaking move, just keeps staring at you like she wasn't a second ago and you don't know how you had the strength to move away. You have no idea if your subconscious picked up on the topic and fuelled your body to take over – your mind wasn't safe – or if you thought about Dani. Whatever it was, you did it and so you finally take a breath as apparently you haven't in a good couple minutes, and literally shake it off as you take another step away from her.
The further from her, the better.
"Yeah," she finally replies after the longest moment of your entire life, pushing off the wall to join you as you're gesturing that's where you're headed. She pauses when she gets to you, and gazes into your eyes but it's not like it was. Now, there's that hardness back and she chews on it for a beat, before inhaling way too deeply for it not to have a calming effect. "Let's go back in."
You bob your head, and do as you're told.
/
You grab a drink up at the bar with Puck.
Truth be told, it's a cover as you've been sat at the booth with everyone for the past half hour, completely unable to stop yourself from looking at Brittany every other damn second, and you need to limit your intake. Just like a recovering addict, you can be around your addiction, but if there's too much temptation, you must remove yourself and so that's the attitude you're taking towards Brittany as you almost nudged her under the table – just because – and you can't do that.
Puck's also been pouting for the past ten minutes after Quinn started talking about her freaking boyfriend again, and you could do some good here as well as reap the benefits of your version of a time out.
"Okay, so what happened after the song?"
Puck stares at you, not even bothering to play it off like he doesn't know what you're asking about like he used to, and ends up shrugging. "Plan worked, just not in the way I expected," he sighs and rests his chin in his hand, elbow on the bar top as he signals for a drink. "Think I touched on the Beth part of things too much and reminded her of how much of an ass I was back then," he further explains, probably as you're frowning with confusion but you click your tongue.
"Don't be stupid. You know Quinn," you try but he just throws you a dubious look. "She just needs time to think over stuff," you shrug, screwing up your face with empathy but he's not buying it. "Seriously, come on," you jab at his upper arm and it makes him slip off the bar, which makes you laugh but also lightens the atmosphere. "You gotta be direct with her as that's the only way she knows how to communicate… She's black and white, not grey, and maybe it's time you take some of that confidence you use fighting bad guys with guns and put it towards yourself, for once."
Puck blinks, seeming shocked that you're technically telling him that he's grown and you're proud, as well as giving him insider info, but you're not going to linger on that. Mostly because it'll make you feel and you kind of hate doing that, especially in Lima and in a club with your ex-girlfriend after a weird moment in the smoking area, and so you need to be strict with everyone. No special treatment for anyone.
"You think?" He finally replies, his chin still ducked to his chin – he's really feeling sorry for himself – but it's kind of pathetic and you're softer now, but you'll never be that soft.
"I know, Puckerman," you spit back at him, and you don't need to highlight that you've got more inside information on Quinn Fabray than he ever will, but it shows with the way he holds your eye and slowly begins smiling. "You're a badass now, and not in the pathetic high school way where you surf down the freeway on top of an SUV," you throw in a familiar memory, and it breaks the final resolve of his pity party.
Puck stops smiling, starts grinning, and then comes the throaty chuckle that makes you roll your eyes. He lights up, and you try to stop yourself from laughing with him but it doesn't work and he returns the jab you gave him, and you finally join in with him, grabbing one of the shot glasses the bartender slides over. You clink your glass with his, then tip it back and enjoy the burn in your throat, and just as you're about to walk away, he begins talking again.
"Sounds like you're familiar with this kind of stuff," he comments and you do the cocky smirk as yeah, you've got a hot girlfriend that would agree. "Managed to figure any of your shit out yet?"
That makes you frown, and stop smiling. "I don't have anything to figure out," you defend but he lifts his brow, purposefully glancing away to focus on his shot glass as he sets it down.
"I think that duet would say otherwise," he returns, and you narrow your eyes.
"What's that meant to mean?"
"You and Brittany have some serious unfinished business," he chirps like it's a totally casual thing to say. It's not, because it's igniting a fear you thought you'd hidden away, deep inside your chest as you felt the connection during the performance, but you were hoping no-one else had. Which, okay, was super dumb of you, but no-one's said anything and that's even after you and Brittany went out to the smoking area together.
So, you feel confident when you back yourself. "No, we don't. We're just friends."
"Does your girlfriend know you're here with her?" Puck fires back, like he's got a prepared list of questions and you stop feeling tipsy, and start feeling angry. Even though he is well within his rights to talk about this as you've done a fine job of sticking your nose into his business, so it's unfair to stop him.
"Yes."
"Does she know you two did a song together?"
You grit your teeth. ""Yeah," you lie, but you're a fucking expert at it and he doesn't know you well enough. Sure, you have history, but you managed to fake many orgasms with him grunting on top of you, so this is easy. "Just because I do a duet with her doesn't mean I'm in love with her," leaves your lips and your brain clicks, the words setting in as you've said them before.
A long time ago, when you were terrified and it almost makes you laugh when you realise you've come full circle. The first time you said a version of that, you were hiding from your feelings, trying to be someone you weren't and apparently, you're right back there, just far more delusional this time. To the point where you're convincing yourself that you're not the same, scared little girl you were back in Junior year.
Fuck.
"Whatever you say," Puck lifts his hand up, waving the white flag and you simmer down immediately. You hadn't even realised you were starting to get all hot, but when you look down and see your hand, balled into a tight fist, you start feeling your nails cut into your palm.
But that sends you into panic, as your body and mind aren't aligning again, and before you can stop yourself, you're replying even though he gave up.
"Brittany and I are in the past and we don't have any unfinished business," you spit and Puck flinches, head jolting back and eyes wide. "We aren't like you and Quinn," you take a step forward, straightening up from where you were leaning on the bar and he looks at you like you're crazy. "Dani's great, I'm great, so fucking drop it, okay?"
Again, Puck just lifts his hands, surrendering as he knows a lost cause when he sees one, but his eyes dart over your shoulder and you follow his line of sight…
To find Brittany right behind you, next to Kurt who's scrambling to find something to say as he definitely heard, which also means she heard and you want the ground to swallow you up when you see her gulp and force a weak smile because shit.
She heard it, and it hurt, but what you said is meant to be true but–
No. Scratch that.
What you said is true so you shouldn't be feeling bad. You shouldn't be sucking your lips into your mouth and playing the nonchalant card, feeling guilt trickle through your body as you turn back to Puck to find him fucking smirking at you as this what he meant. But here you are, feeling like that anyway. Here you are, knowing that every part of you, except for your mind, knows that a reaction like the one you just had, and the one Brittany's having, means there is unfinished business, no matter how hard you try to deny it.
You've seen that look on her face before. Back in Junior year when you were fake dating Karofsky and got cornered by JIB, and he asked you if you and Dave were soulmates, if you were meant to be. That was a pinnacle moment, a painful memory, because you did the wrong thing then and ignored it, holding your head high and saying words you didn't really mean, and you feel like history is just repeating itself.
But the worst thing you could do right now is drag Brittany off to the side to question her. The worst thing you could do is to press her on her reaction, and ask her why she's so hurt hearing that you've drawn a line in the sand with you two, because she must know that. Things change, people change, situations change and all of those have happened to you and her, so it shouldn't be a shock but you just…
You don't even know.
All you know is you can't believe that years after, you still can't the right thing to say when it comes to your feelings. You always seem to fuck it up, even if you know for sure that what you said is supposed to be right.
But it just isn't, and there's nothing you can do to change it.
So you just huff loudly when Kurt mutters something about getting needing to pee all of a sudden despite being halfway through ordering the next round, and resist the urge to follow as he drags Brittany away with him, her eyes firmly locked on to you until they physically can't be anymore.
"You sure about that?" Puck whispers, head tilting to the side as he reaches for the next shot the bartender slides over, and you shift your vision back to him, but remain silent.
Because no… You're not so sure anymore, even if you should be.
/
Everyone leaves their cars in the parking lot of the bar as thanks to Mr Schue and the alcohol awareness week you lived through a couple years back, you still care about drink driving.
It's not a bad thing, until you're stood on the sidewalk, with Mercedes and Kurt squabbling over who should order the Ubers, and you overhear them going in geographical order. They're highlighting a potential route to everyone's houses, so who can go with who in what cab is decided, and despite being fairly drunk, some sense kicks in and you realise that the person that lives closest to your parents' house… Is Brittany.
Which means you're not only going to be in a cab with her, but chances are you'll be left alone as Brittany's house is the furthest out of town, and you shoot Puck a concerned glance but he's way too intoxicated to notice. He's just leaning against the wall, trying to light a cigarette – so much for being responsible – and failing miserably and right now, you kind of hate him for that. You could do with the back up and you haven't talked about this weird tension with you and Brittany with anyone else.
Maybe that would've been a good idea, then someone else could save you.
"So, Santana and Britt?" Kurt chirps and your eyes flash to him. "You good to get a cab? You two live a couple streets apart, right?"
There it is. Damn Kurt and his geographical knowledge.
"Uh, sure," you croak out and ignore the way Brittany's eyes slide to you, narrowing like she's noticed the hesitation. Probably because of the way your voice wavered when you spoke. "I'll get ours," you follow up just to fill the silence as several people look at you, like they've just clicked how weird it could be but obviously everyone's way more concerned about getting home than talking about the tension that shouldn't exist.
So they get back to squabbling, and Brittany shuffles over to you, but when you finally gather the confidence to look at her, she's got her head tilted to the side and she's still staring at you like she's studying your every move. You were sure she was matching you drink for drink inside, so you don't get why she isn't that drunk as you sure as hell are, but you choose to use the alcohol in your body to pretend like you're not finding this bizarre and reach for your phone, finding the app and ordering a cab.
Because it shouldn't be bizarre, as you two should still be friends.
But–
It just feels like there's more to it.
Especially with the way she looked at you at the bar after shouting at Puck about how great your girlfriend is.
"How long until it gets here?"
It's not what you were expecting Brittany to say, but you still answer. "Two minutes," you say with a smile and everyone begins saying their goodbyes.
You hug Kurt, and Mercedes, you shoot Rachel a glare as if she touches you, she'll have to play Fanny Brice one handed, and then wave at everyone else. They all disappear into cars when they pull up, and it's only three minutes before yours comes, so you do the same.
It's hard not to hold the door open for Brittany when you slide in, even though not doing it goes against all natural reactions, but you still manage and silence sets in after Brittany mutters your parents address to the driver.
The streets blur by, and you turn your head to peer out the window even though your mind is very much on the person in the cab with you, and it seems you're doing a poor job of coming across chill because within thirty seconds, Brittany's filling the silence.
"How's your mom?"
You look at her cautiously, as parents are a safe topic and after the way Brittany looked at you when you spewed that unfinished bullshit to Puck, you thought she might want to talk about that but like you said, this is safe, so you just go with it. "She's good… Misses me a lot, but my dad's just bought himself a convertible as a late mid-life crisis present to himself, so she's been distracted with giving him crap for that."
Brittany giggles, and you feel the tension ease off. "That's good," she replies and bites down on her bottom lip. "If you're okay with it, I thought I might drop by to see her," she finishes and swallows.
And it shouldn't make your chest seize, but it does.
Thing is, is that it should be okay with Brittany coming around to say hey to your mom as before anything romantic transpired between you two, that was a regular occurrence. Back in Sophomore year, Brittany basically lived at your parents' house because you two were so close, and so it was normal that your mom became attached to the girl but it's just different now. You'd really prefer not to be on the receiving end of an interrogation about Brittany and Dani as well, as there's no doubt your mom would pick up on the tension between you and Brittany and you just…
It just feels dangerous, like the past could come back to life and that's not something you can do.
Still, you've never been able to deny Brittany of anything – you even broke up with her because you wanted her to go out into the world and do all the things she imagined – so you nod your head slowly, trying a smile that you know doesn't reach your eyes as you reply, "Sure, sounds great."
Brittany just holds your eyes and smiles, and the silence returns.
/
When Brittany said she'd drop by to see your mom, you didn't think she meant tonight.
However when the cab pulls up outside the house, you clamber out and go to shut the door, only to find Brittany following. It makes your heart stop, your breath lodge in your throat as you have no idea how to explain that you can't have her in the place you once fell in love with her in – amongst many other firsts you had with her – without some preparation but it seems you have no choice as the driver speeds off before an argument can leave your lips, and you're staring at her on the sidewalk.
"You're coming in now?" You still ask, and Brittany freezes, but bobs her head slowly.
"If that's okay?"
There's no other option, and you can't imagine if you told your girlfriend that your ex was coming into your childhood home to see your mom at this time of night that she'd approve but it's not like you can say that. Plus, you don't want to deprive Brittany of the relationship she had with your mom as they used to be super close, and even went shopping together on a few occasions, and you're still pretty drunk so you just accept it.
"Sure. My mom will be excited to see you," you retort playfully and widen your eyes as you both know that's the truth.
So you head in, unlocking the door and ignoring the urge to peer at the blonde over your shoulder, and head straight into the kitchen to find your mom. She's washing up, wiggling along to the radio despite it being almost midnight, and you slide on to one of the stools, just in time for the woman to glance over and realise you just came in.
Oh, and who with.
"Ay dios mio," your mom shrieks and stops what she's doing in an instant, eyes firmly locked on to Brittany who hovers by the doorway, pulling at the sleeve of her jacket. She looks nervous, and you curse yourself for not realising she didn't sit down with you, but you figure that's appropriate.
If you came home with Brittany and sat pressed up against each other like you used to, you're sure your mom would've misunderstood the situation.
"Brittany, honey!" Your mom continues and rushes over to the blonde, grabbing her by the cheeks and searching over her face before pulling her into an impossibly tight hug, and you can't pretend like you don't swoon over it.
They always used to get on so well, and your mom already knew about you two before you came out to her – you never even said it technically, she just asked if you and Brittany really were just friends – but you push that away. You have no idea if you'd feel the same way if it were Dani here, not Brittany, but you suppose that doesn't matter and watching this is just going to depress you, or make you overthink, so you head over to the sink to continue washing up.
"It's been so long, mija!" Your mom adds on, squishing Brittany's cheeks again when she pulls away and the blonde grins widely, blue eyes sliding over to you almost to check so you just roll your eyes and smile back. "Come, come," your mom ushers her over to the stool you were just sat on. "Santana, make Brittany a coffee," she demands.
Brittany laughs throatily and you peer over your shoulder at the sound you missed so much, hands already reaching to flick the machine on but then the blonde speaks and you stop. "No, no, it's okay… I just dropped in to say hey," she says, eyes focused on you but her words directed toward your mom, and your hand drops back to the sink. "Didn't feel right coming back to Lima and not seeing you," she continues and you still, but your mom just scrunches her face up.
"You're not staying the night?"
You almost choke on the breath you take, giving up immediately on the dishes and spinning around to face the women behind you. That wasn't discussed, and you don't want to be rude but things aren't like they used to be with you and Brittany.
Sure, it's gone midnight, so it may have seemed like Brittany was coming in and staying but you're pretty sure your girlfriend wouldn't be okay with that. You and Brittany always used to share a room, and okay, there's a spare but it'd be weird if she stayed in there and so you don't know what to say.
However you do know that the last thing that comes to mind is figuring out a way to tell your mom that wasn't the plan, and when blue eyes flick over to meet your brown ones, you almost die.
It doesn't look like Brittany wants to go home. It looks like she wants to stay.
"Uh, no, I'm not," she gets out, laughing awkwardly and rubbing at her eyebrow to hide the red that flushes to her cheeks. You don't know if you're disappointed or relieved, but you'd rather not find out for sure. "I really was just dropping by, so I better get going," she continues and presses her knuckles into the counter to help her get up and you watch her, leaning backwards against the counter.
Your moms eyes you, as this is usually the place where you argue and get Brittany to stay. It never took long, usually just a quirk of an eyebrow but you can't this time and so it's foreign territory for everyone. Not that realising that makes it easier, as you have to grip on to the underside of the counter, arms stretched out either side of your body and bite down so hard on your tongue that you're sure you could draw blood.
"Okay, mija," your mom sighs after a long, silent pause and doesn't take her eyes off you as she moves back to the blonde, opening her arms up for a hug and humming when Brittany steps in to receive it. "It's been so lovely to see you," she coos and strokes a hand over the back of Brittany's head, keeping her there when she pulls back and looks over her again. "But you must come over for lunch this weekend, okay? We can catch up properly and you can tell me all about your life as a genius."
Brittany giggles, you have to clench your jaw to stop the offer of staying in the spare room from coming out, and you remind yourself that you weren't raised under a rock as you walk her to the door, only seconds later. She tucks her hands into the pockets of her jeans, squaring her shoulders as she steps out and you bite your lip, not knowing how to say goodbye to her anymore.
Are you friendly enough for a hug? Or will that be too dangerous? You've never been good at touching her without reacting.
"You want a ride home?" You ask, even though the several shots you had have already decided you're not going to be behind a wheel and you curse yourself when you realise it was just a poor attempt at breaking the silence.
Brittany knows that, her face splitting into an amused expression but she doesn't grin and instead just shakes her head. She's not going to call you out on it. "No. You're in no state to drive and I could do with the walk," she answers and you swallow, leaning against the door as the wind blows, and she wraps her arms around herself but when she doesn't leave, you get nervous. "And I just wanna clear the air before I go because you know I heard you and Puck talking at the bar and I don't want things to get weird."
Your face drops. Shit. "Huh?"
"San, come on," she warns but it's playful and you hesitate for a whole second, but then you realise the tables have turned once again. Apparently doing a duet can do that and now you're the one desperately trying not to talk about the elephant in the room. So far, it's been safe and good and you don't have to avoid telling Dani anything that's happened.
Maybe not Brittany coming over at midnight. That'd be hard to explain, even if it is harmless.
"Okay," you finally sigh and take in a deep breath, temple leaning against the doorway as you look over her face. Her eyes are bright, and she's cocking her head to the side, matching your position but it feels like it's more than that, but you really shouldn't overthink it. She's probably just figuring out a way to discuss what she overheard you say about you two not having unfinished business. "What about it?"
Brittany sucks her lips into her mouth, her eyes flashing with something, but before you can register what it is, it's gone. "Are you happy?"
It's a shock to the system, because out of everything you were expecting her to say… That wasn't one of them. To the point where you visibly react, jerking your head back and straightening up, and now you're not sure how to answer because you want to say yes but… You don't know if you're happy. You're just content, and you thought she was going to mention Dani and unfinished business, or ask how 'great' you think Dani is, and not your current state of mind but apparently not.
Apparently, she wants to know that regardless of anything else, whether you're happy and you just don't know how to answer that question, because it feels like you're already trying to convince yourself by finding reason as to why Brittany would even ask.
If you have to hesitate this long… Chances are your answer is no.
"I'm good," you reply and swallow against a lump forming in your throat. "I'm great," you follow but it's the second time tonight that you've used that word to describe something in your life, and Brittany notices. Her eyes narrow, the corner of her lip turning up but she just averts her gaze to the ground, kicking her boot along the slab and shit. Why can you never be cool headed around this girl? "Are you?"
"I'm great, too," she throws back without a single hesitation, blue eyes flashing back to meet yours and you hold your breath. You're not sure if she's saying something else, but to question that would be dangerous. "And if Dani makes you happy then… I'm happy for you," she follows through a whisper but you can't pretend you don't hear the strain in her voice.
You have to though. You have to ignore reading her body language as that'll lead you down a road you're not sure of and so you take her answer for face value, inhaling deeply and reaching back up to grasp the side of the door. You're not shutting down, but you're just putting some walls up as the tension is palpable, and you'd quite easily get into hot water if you chose to follow up with anything other than a goodbye.
So, you don't.
"Awesome," you chirp but if the word wasn't lame enough, your attempt at cheeriness does it. "I'll see you tomorrow?"
Brittany nods slowly, holding your eyes and you can see a thousand things she's left unsaid hovering inside her mind but you stop looking at her. Instead, you glance around the street, spotting your neighbours curtain fall back – they're nosey as hell – and that's all it takes for the end of the conversation. You don't like being this way, like you have to go cold on her but with Brittany, you're either all in or all out and you can't do the one foot in, one foot out dynamic that you two used to share.
Back when she was dating Artie, and you were pretending like you weren't madly in love with your best friend, you had to act in the same way because she didn't want you then. You respected that, and seriously toned down on anything physical with her and sure, that's in the past, but you can feel the echoes of it in your present. It feels like that right now, because you're not talking is talking louder than when words were actually coming out but again… You can't notice it.
If you do, you think you'll break.
"Yeah, sure," Brittany exhales and bites down on her bottom lip, backing away but still facing you. "I'll bring you a churro," she grins and just like that, the friendship is back, the tension is gone and you actually breathe easier as she waves you goodbye and disappears down the street.
Okay, a churro is good. That's friendly… Right?
/
Love your feedback! Thank you!