Content Warning: Mention of self-harm. Please consider your surroundings before reading. Thank you.

Chapter Ten

Still exploring her fiancée's worst-kept secret, and conducting a silent conversation with that currently useless inner voice, Ana senses a presence, and turns to see Christian in the doorway. They've not spoken since he bellowed at her. When Katya had arrived in his chambers with Ana's clothes, she explained that Christian had dismissed her for that task and bade that she send someone for the physician, and that he'd never taken his eyes off the still kneeling Leila. Ana knows nothing else about what transpired after she fled her room. From this distance, and in such low light—there are no windows here—she cannot tell what he's thinking, but he certainly doesn't look happy as he dismisses Taylor with a jerk of his head. The poor man pauses only long enough to shoot her an apologetic grimace before fleeing.

Since she's already defied him by daring this much, Ana doesn't hesitate long to demand, "Christian, if you punish either of them for helping me, there will be no wedding."

He doesn't look a bit convinced, instead merely asking, "Either of them?" Ana had assumed the maid who apparently has the only other key must have confessed all. Praying she hasn't just betrayed the woman's kindness, she says nothing. In the next moment, Christian deduces "Gail," and then shakes his head, saying, "I won't punish them for obeying a noblewoman who will soon have power of life or death over them. But you couldn't know that, so please consider, in future, the possible consequences of your actions."

He doesn't sound angry, so Ana teases, "From a man famous for taking risks."

This time there is anger in his tone when he says, "I would hope equally famed for never needlessly risking my men. Do you have so little concern for those beneath you?" In truth, though she treats everyone with respect, including servants, Ana hasn't given much thought to their lives when not in her presence. She's pondering this when Christian adds, "To rule is to serve. The lowliest serf is nothing to us, but we are nothing without them. Did your father not teach you that?"

Confused, she stammers, "I...he..." Only now able to look at her life as if from outside, Ana does him the courtesy of revealing the truth she discovers there. "Looking back, I think perhaps Papa never quite found the courage to face losing my counsel, and thus didn't complete my education on what it means to rule a kingdom."

Christian's posture finally relaxes a little, as he asserts, "Your father loved you very much."

Ana smiles and says, "He did, and perhaps indulged me a little more than he should have." Appropriately grave, she continues, "I'm sorry, Christian. I should not have risked exposing loyal servants to your justified wrath, but couldn't see an alternative. You were obviously not going to trust me with this much of you, and I needed to know the man I'm to marry."

He does her the courtesy of only a nod, and then says, "Well, now you know."

Though it's not phrased a question, she hears it as such. Glancing around again at the room, with it warm tones and ornate furnishings, Ana is able to honestly declare, "It's beautiful."

Apparently, that's the right answer, because Christian finds the courage to enter. He saunters over to a wooden rack that displays canes of various lengths and thicknesses, and rests a hand on it, asking, "And these?"

Not her favourite part of the self-guided tour. From Elena she knows that these particular implements were reserved for when Christian's women had provoked him into punishing them, supposedly with their consent or even at their request. Ana swallows and says, "Well, the craftsmanship is excellent, but I'm not sure that..." On noticing the twitching of his lips, she accuses, "You're laughing at me."

Christian does just that, and then says, "Well, you're being risible. I meant what I said, Anastasia; I'll lock the door and throw away the key if that's what you want. However, if anything in here appeals to you, and after we're married, I'll gradually introduce you to the delights on display here."

Delights? Devices. Depravit_

Hush. I trust him.

Why?

Ana laughs aloud, because she still doesn't have an answer to that question.

"That amuses you?"

Ana shakes her head, saying, "Sorry, no, I..." Momentarily stuck for how or even whether to explain, she then reveals, "I have secrets too."

"I'd be honoured to hear them."

He means it. She can tell. "I, uh...as a child, I thought it was my mother offering support from beyond the grave. Later, I wondered if it were God answering my prayers, but that didn't seem right either. Now, I believe it's merely a version of me that is braver, wiser and more honest."

When she takes a breath to summon that honesty, Christian asks, his voice hushed in awe, "An inner voice?"

"Yes. You have it too?"

He smiles and reveals, "I do, though mine doesn't sound nearly as useful as yours, or as polite."

Thrilled to have something in common, Ana says, "Well, she's not always helpful. If I call her anything at all, it's 'Miss Obvious' because she sometimes merely commentates, and occasionally at the most inopportune times." Remembering the most recent example of that phenomenon, Ana asks, "Where's Leila?"

As expected, Christian tenses to explain, "With the court physician. He fears that she suffers more from a malady of the mind than of the body, so I don't know that much can be done for her, but the attempt will be made. I owe her that much."

"She said that her husb...her mate died?"

Christian's feelings are now hidden from her while he bleakly reveals, "Yes, only days before their wedding. She left my company with enough money to ensure a life of relative ease, but surrendered it to him as her dowry. When he died suddenly, she had no legal right to any of his estate, and his family threw her out with little more than the clothes on her back. She has no family of her own."

"You'll make it right." Worried that it sounds like a command, instead of a prediction from what she knows of him, Ana adds a smile.

He nods and confirms, "If I can do so without revealing what she once meant to me, I will. Claude is investigating."

"Oh, I've not seen him, and assumed he was out of the country."

Christian's jaw clenches before he reveals, "No. And I owe you an apology."

Unable to imagine for what, Ana asks, "You do?"

He nods and explains, "Claude recently spotted Leila in the palace, but she knows it well enough to elude him. I sent him to find out why she'd left her husband, and you arrived unexpectedly before he returned." He's now pacing as he continues, "I knew she was somewhere within these walls, and ignored the danger. If I'd just damned convention and put enough men on it, she'd never have made it to your chambers." The pain in his voice almost makes her weep when he despairs, "When I think what might have happened..." Dropping to his knees before her, Christian clasps her around the waist, his face pressed into her belly as he moans, "I can't lose you."

Ana runs her fingers through his hair and says, "You won't. And we owe Leila thanks."

That snaps him out of his torment, and Christian looks up at her to echo, "Thanks?"

Though this room no longer holds any fear, it's startling accoutrements are quite distracting, so Ana begs, "Is there somewhere we might speak privately? I mean without risking embarrassing your parents or with your whip collection staring back at me?"

It's enough that a strangled laugh escapes him, and Christian rises lithely to his feet, quickly kisses her and says, "You're magnificent." He takes her hand and leads her out of the room. She notices that Taylor and Katya are vigilant in the corridor that leads to the outer door of these rooms, and she waves to them, feeling as if she's in a dream. She has time to see them stiffly acknowledge her greeting before she's in front of another locked door. Christian soon opens it to reveal a large sitting room. Through an open door, she can see an even larger bedroom. He steps inside and bids, "My Lady."

She enters, looking around at the decidedly feminine touches and, still in a daze, asks, "Your women resided here? Elena said you never slept with them?"

"It would appear that she was most thorough in her betrayal. Yes, they essentially lived here, though had quite a bit of freedom within the palace and grounds. Our...arrangement stipulated that they must seek my permission before leaving the complex. Of course, they could do so without my permission, but never then return."

This all seems so strange. And then something occurs to Ana. "Did any of them leave without your permission?"

With a quiet, proud smile, Christian reveals, "Not one." When Ana again looks around her, but says nothing, he prompts, "We owe Leila thanks?"

"Oh, yes." Choosing one of the armchairs, and waiting until Christian is also seated, Ana reveals, "She said that I cannot give you what you need."

A hint of his earlier horror spreads across Christian's face as he insists, "She's mistaken. Anastasia, you are everything I need, and all I never knew to hope for."

Ana smiles and says, "That's what I realised while she held a knife at my throat. I don't think she intended to do me injury. She only wanted to know what made me so special, that you can love me and not her."

Christian shakes his head, saying, "I couldn't tell you. As mentioned, I've shared pleasure and something like contentment with several women, all of whom look at least a little like you. But I swear, my love, that you alone have captured my heart."

"And I believe you, when we're together. When we're not, that inner voice asks me why on earth a man of your stature, appetites and experience would choose me, and I cannot answer."

With a sad smile, Christian comments, "Perhaps our inner voices are not so dissimilar after all. Mine has been daily reminding me that I'm not worthy of your hand, let alone your love."

"Then he is a damned liar."

Christian laughs and agrees, "He is thrice-damned prevaricator and the bane of my existence." And then he sobers to ask, "How did you realise the truth?"

"I challenged Leila by turning the question back on her, asking her how you could love me, if what you really needed was a woman who'd submit to your will and never leave without first seeking your permission."

"And?"

Smiling, that he knows so little about himself, Ana explains, "In that moment, she understood; you never really needed her in the first place."

Christian doesn't look convinced, and guesses, "I doubt that pleased her."

"No. I think she was ready to hurt me then, but you almost stopped our hearts by battering on the door. How did you know she was with me?"

"I discovered that she'd used her knowledge, previous connections and obvious charms to coerce her way into your chambers yesterday, and almost too late realised that she might have been hiding there all this time. Don't even ask me to spare the imbecile who aided her; he's already been punished."

"You didn't kill him?"

Christian's face clouds in pain at this accusation, and he pleads, "You think so little of me?"

Ana reaches out for his hand, and he complies as she says, "I'm sorry. It's just..." Suddenly weary, she concludes, "It's been a trying day."

Christian lifts her hand to his lips for a moment, and then says, "It has." Reaching out to almost touch the high collar of her gown, that conceals the bandage beneath, he begs, "Can you ever forgive me?"

This time Ana defies convention by kissing his hand, and then promises, "Nothing to forgive. It's only a scratch." It's slightly more than that, but he obviously feels bad enough.

Confirming this, his expression is again bereft when he exclaims, "She might have killed you."

Shaking her head, Ana insists, "I honestly don't think she could have. Though...the physician knows to protect Leila from herself?"

"Yes, my love. She's already done herself injury, though thankfully all the cuts are shallow."

Nodding her understanding and gratitude, Ana then realises, "You saw them?"

His thoughts are hidden from her when he says only, "I did."

"Winkles."

"Sorry?"

Ana smiles and explains, "I'm reminded of the first time I tried them. Papa showed me how to gently extract the flesh in one long spiral, but it kept breaking when I attempted it, until I was red-in-the-face angry and insisting that I hated them. He just kept on showing me, and eating them with relish, until I persisted and eventually triumphed."

Christian smiles and apologises, "I'm not easy, am I?"

"No, but I'm hoping you'll ultimately prove equally worth the effort."

His smile widens and he asks, "As a whelk?"

Delighted that what might have become an argument is instead a mostly pleasant conversation, Ana shrugs and teases, "Time will tell, My Lord."

His sudden and obvious need for her practically crackles in the air between them, and then he abruptly stands, still holding her hand, to say, "Come. That's enough winkling for today. I have much to do, and your people have arrived. I have no idea what is involved in turning a maiden into a bride, but it appears to require a small army."

Ana is letting him lead her when she remembers, and retrieves the key from her purse, offering it to him as she says, "Almost forgot."

He smiles and says, "Keep it. I trust you."