Dervis, Green Thumb, Uzi, and AlexMoses stare out of the barred door of their cell, watching robotic guards patrol the halls of the megaprison that Government threw them into. Green Thumb watches as Shafow walks past the cell, and groans out loud.
"Man, it's just not fair! That guy clearly doesn't work here, why does HE get special privileges? They haven't even let us out of the cell to EAT!" Green Thumb whines.
"You've been saying this same bullshit every time somebody walks past that door who isn't a guard." Uzi scowls.
"Both of you, shut the FUCK UP. We've hardly been here for three days, and you ran out of original material after the first 20 minutes." AlexMoses says.
"Heheheh…it seems like it's already started…" a raspy voice says from a dark corner in the room. The other prisoners turn to face the voice, and realize that there's been a fifth guy in here this whole time, a decrepit old man sitting stationary in the corner.
"Wait, that guy's alive? I thought it was just like a weird statue they put in here." Dervis comments.
"Yeah, name's Milton Nightbludgeon. Sound familiar?" the old man croaks.
"No, not really. Should it?" Green Thumb responds.
"It shouldn't. But it would…if they hadn't cut me. Y'see, this here prison is no ordinary prison. It's run by Todd, the most illustrious game developer and programmer of them all. Some say he's no ordinary man,that he's something greater…they call him…a Big Person."
"How big are we talking? I could take 'im, I bet." Uzi says with a smirk.
"No you couldn't. You see, he doesn't just make his games from code. Well…technically he does, but the code isn't on a computer. He programs real people. Turns them into NPCs. Strips them down to the bare essentials, replacing whatever they had before with whatever he wants from 'em. That's why you see all those wacky fellows walking around like free men out there. They've been reprogrammed into Todd's slaves, and are on their way to whatever project he wants them for. Had it happen to me myself, just like you, it started with just repeating the same lines over and over again. Then, a bit later, I lost control of my body, and eventually, my mind, too. I blacked out for who knows how long, and when I woke back up, they told me they'd taken my character out of the game, but that they needed to keep me around in the files, just in case. I reckon if you're already parroting the same things over and over, your time is coming soon-"
Milton is interrupted as a guard steps in front of the cell.
"Milton. We need you for Oblivion Remastered." the guard says in a booming voice, pointing at Milton. "This is a great honor. You should be glad that Todd was willing to forgive you for your past transgressions."
"Oblivion Remastered? How come I've never heard of this until now?" Milton asks.
"Todd came up with it this morning. He wants a same day release." the guard states simply. "The rest of you, come along as well."
"What? You think you can order me around? I don't follow your rules." AlexMoses says.
"Same day release." the guard repeats, more forcefully.
"I dunno man, this guy seems pretty serious…" Dervis says, already lining up at the door with Milton single file like a good little boy.
"Same day release." the guard repeats once more, stepping into the cell and shoving Green Thumb into line. Uzi tries to dart past the guard and escape, but the guard, without even looking, snatches her out of the air and squeezes her entire body in one big fist, causing her to make squeaky noises like a rubber duck.
"Do you know who I am? I should be in charge of you right now, you're nothing to me!" AlexMoses says, standing his ground and refusing to follow the guard. The guard brings out a walkie talkie.
"Requesting Jelly Man in cell 7D." the guard states, while AlexMoses turns around and starts punching the wall repeatedly, trying to break through.
"I'll bring this whole damn place down before I follow you!" AlexMoses says, but he suddenly feels a pinprick sensation in his shoulder, and turns around, barely seeing the Jelly Man as his vision blurs and his body goes rigid from the Netch Jelly that was just injected into his body. Without any further resistance, the guard leads the prisoners down the hall, while the Jelly Man slinks away back into a hidden hatch on the wall.
Meanwhile, Wiggles carefully pulls into the parking lot of the hospital, putting the car into park.
"Alright, we're here." Wiggles says, and Akulbek and Mr. Grey look up from their bingo cards. Akulbek peers over Wiggles's shoulder, analyzing the surroundings.
"Nyet, we are not in hospital. Keep driving."
"It's literally right there, come on, let's get out and-" Wiggles begins, but Akulbek interrupts him, reaching forwards and yanking upwards on the shifter, revealing a small glimpse at the high-tech laser blade attached to the stick, but also sending the car into the air. Akulbek then shoves the shifter forwards, and the car rockets straight through a third-story window of the hospital. When the dust settles, the car is precariously dangling over a crib, and a cacophony of wails begins to echo around the room.
"Bingoi" Mr. Grey says, marking off 'crying baby' from his bingo card. Akulbek and Mr. Grey step out of the car, and Wiggles tentatively follows their lead. The two officers do a quick scan of the room, before stepping out into the hall. Suddenly, the door bursts open, and doctors and nurses rush forwards.
"What's going on up here? Was that an explosion? Who are you people?!" one of the doctors demands, and Mr. Grey stares straight at them, holding up his alien gun in one hand and his badge in the other.
"Mr fbi boisiness doinot interfere or lethal force will be applied" Mr. Grey says, but the doctors don't listen, and as they push forwards, Mr. Grey starts picking them off with his blaster, getting a clean shot straight through their foreheads. The remaining doctors are wise enough to back off, returning to the stairway and running away. Akulbek hears a door opening nearby, and uses his Akulbek Saber, the laser sword that acted as the shifter in the car, to swiftly cut down whoever exits from the door, which turns out to be a janitor, pushing a bucket along with headphones on. Wiggles just watches all of this play out, grimacing but daring not to question the ways of the officers lest he meet a similar fate.
"Sun man is hiding from us. We need to flush him out. Here is game plan: we find intercom, tell him big moth waiting in lobby, da? He cannot resist." Akulbek begins to explain, while Mr. Grey nods along, glancing at a device which is projecting a 3d map of the hospital.
"Uh, guys? Hey, I think-" Wiggles starts, and Akulbek puts a finger over his lips without even looking at him, continuing to scheme his plan instead. Wiggles glances behind him, watching as the man from the news video climbs down a makeshift rope made from strung together IV tubes, passing by the floor that the car crashed into. "GUYS! GUYS IT'S HIM HE'S HERE!"
Akulbek and Mr. Grey stop talking and stare at Wiggles, pointing their weapons at him, before looking out the window and seeing the man just in time to watch as his rope snaps and he plummets to the ground outside.
"Yoi waste toomuch time get intudya car now" Mr. Grey says, as he and Akulbek run past Wiggles and clamber into the car, with Akulbek taking the driver's seat. Akulbek begins to reverse away, and Wiggles barely manages to jump onto the car and climb into the back seat before it zooms back out through the window. On the ground, the target is running away, looking up when he hears Akulbek turn on the FBI siren on his car. Before the man can get much farther, Akulbek slams the car down straight onto him, crushing his legs and leaving him gasping on the sidewalk.
"No…stay away from me! I'm radioactive- step any closer, your genome- scrambled beyond recognition! Your seed will be corrupted! You'll be unlovable- just like me." the man pleads as the officers and Wiggles step out of the car.
"Hi radioactive, I'm Dad!" says Dad. Mr. Grey and Akulbek open up the trunk and pull out a large spool-shaped device known as the Fractured Alignment Reversion Tool, or FART for short. As the two officers set up the device, Wiggles looks at the man on the ground.
"So, what was the deal with all that? Why did you decide you wanted to kill babies?"
"Kill? I…I never killed anyone…is it a crime to give a baby a hug?"
"You just said you were radioactive."
"My name is Sunward…I was born with a brain tumor twice the size of my skull. I live in constant agony. All I ever wanted was to be the ray of sunshine in someone's life…to feel joy and to make even just one person smile…is that so much to ask for?"
"No, seriously, you were like, intentionally irradiating babies, that's like, some serious villain shit."
"I promise, it hurt me as much as it hurt them…but it was necessary, I needed…I needed the world to remember Sunward…the pitiful, lonely man…the man who has never known happiness…"
"Well, shit, man. Could've just asked." Wiggles says with a shrug, taking out his phone and snapping a picture of Sunward. "See? There, I just set you as my lock screen."
Before Sunward can say anything else, the FART begins to emit a high pitch frequency, as it shoots out a particle ray directly at Sunward. Sunward's very being starts to pull apart at a molecular level, his fundamental particles converting into strings of 1s and 0s as the device disassembles him to return him from whence he came. Once the process is done, Akulbek spots Wiggles's phone, which he's still holding up, and walks over, crushing the phone in his hand.
"You must act as though he never existed.. He was not to be part of this world." Akulbek states. Mr. Grey turns off the FART, and stows it away back in the trunk of the car. As Akulbek and Mr. Grey return to the car, Wiggles stares at where Sunward was moments earlier, and a pitiful smile creeps across his lips, before he, too, turns away.