Purgatory of Contrition

Disclaimer: I don't own The Flash

Author's Note: Chapter theme is "Quicksand" by The Anix.

Zoom hissed in pain as he removed bandages, one at a time, checking the hundreds of deep lacerations all across his torso and arms. His mind was in a whirlwind ever since he returned to his lair, days ago. The cuts were so deep, and made so precisely, that it was taking him longer than usual to heal. Who had that been? This… Savitar? A god? Of speed, no less? No, that simply wasn't a possibility. It couldn't be a possibility! He had to be a mortal, accepting anything else would be a delusion.

That wasn't enough to satisfy him though. It didn't explain what happened. He hadn't even sensed his approach. There was a second where the heavens seemed to opened up and a strike of thunder exploded around them so loud it shook the ground, and then he felt himself flying through the air, pain searing through his body, slamming so hard into a building he broke through several walls. Whoever that was, moved with such blinding speed that it cut through his senses and caught him completely unawares.

Zoom stared bitterly at the imagine of himself in the mirror. He saw how the slices all over his body were beginning to scar. Scar! That motherfucker somehow managed to scar him! How had he done so much damage and so fast? He shook the creeping unease away, refusing to be afraid of this false god. One thing was for sure, he needed to be extra careful now, at least until he figured out how to deal with this new threat. He had a few pawns at his disposal that he could send out to face him. If nothing else, he could test him, learn of any weaknesses he had. And then he would exploit them.

Elsewhere, Savitar stood deeply immersed in the shadows, his armor safely stashed away, wanting to blend in better with the darkness, his hands in his pockets. His dark eyes watched over Iris West from a distance as she went about her day and then settled back home. His self-appointed punishment for sacrificing his own soul and corrupting his heart was to do the one thing that contradicted the very existence of Savitar, the one thing that made him who he was. Keep Iris alive. Keep her safe. Keep her from him. Even if doing this killed him.

The twisted absurdity of the thought made him snort in bitter amusement. His eyes betrayed him, tracing over her every curve, following the lines of her cheeks, down her smooth jaw, along her deep, caramel skin, over her tantalizing neck, and then teasing over the generous swells of her breasts. For a second he imagined her bare body pressed against his, looking up at him with trust and longing, like she did in his deepest memories. He forcibly tore his eyes away, shutting them tightly, self-loathing surging through him.

What the hell was he even doing?

A part of him wondered why he should even bother with all this, all this torture? What did it accomplish? He could just wait for Zoom, kill him, and be done with this place. She would be able to move on and not be tainted by him. But… he knew deep down why. Ever since returning from that place, and his enlightening thought after his nightmare, he understood and cursed the Speed Force for making him remember. He remembered how he felt about her, even as he was being corrupted. He remembered fighting Savitar, slowly losing his mind. He knew that to remove himself from the equation completely now, after fighting so hard for her and losing and now getting the chance to keep her safe again, after beginning to feel again, even as much as he denied it, was something he simply couldn't bear.

Savitar knew he never actually removed his feelings for Iris during his time in the Speed Force, even at his very worst. That wasn't something possible, not something he could just simple will away. His future self knew this. So instead his love for her had been corrupted, tortured by his alter-ego into thinking Iris wasn't his, would never be his, would never love him, would always hate him, and belonged to the real Barry Allen who betrayed him. In the end he convinced himself that she was as forgettable and not real as they all claimed he wasn't, warping his thoughts into the idea that killing her meant nothing but his own salvation.

Now, watching from the shadows, he could all but feel her presence, glowing with life and that giving, nurturing spirit, even with the distance. He felt those feelings he had kept locked up before and refused now to acknowledge, freely streaming out of him, trickling like blood through a bandage. He knew he needed to stay away from her or it would get worse. He could still be dangerous for her, even if his mind was a little more stable than it had been before. But just because he logically understood he needed to keep her safe from him, didn't mean he didn't mourn for what he lost.

Savitar hated that he felt so pathetic again, so moved by emotions other than hatred and need for vengeance. His frustration in himself didn't stop him from wanting to hold her a badly as he did, wanting to touch her, to breathe in her scent and feel her soft skin. He knew though, if he ever did get that close to her, he wouldn't be able to stop. He was far too repressed and far too in need of her. What irritated him was that the Speed Force had said he would become Barry Allen, have what he thought he couldn't before, but how was he supposed to do that when he was no better than Zoom?

Savitar was a demon and Iris deserved better than him.

So why couldn't he just leave?

Iris West walked up the steps from Picture News and into the street that evening. She pulled her bag strap further over her shoulder and made the journey to her car. Sometimes the walk was a scary one, especially with Zoom's henchmen on the loose, but even they seemed to be wary lately. That was all thanks to their mysterious savior, sweeping in to literally knock Zoom off his feet, and off his game. At times like these Iris felt like maybe things would be okay again.

What got to her though, as she passed a dark alley, was that sometimes she swore she saw something, someone, quietly watching her. For a second she thought it might be Zoom, or Savitar, but something about it made her think of Barry. She wasn't sure why, but she couldn't shake the feeling. Whenever she turned to look though, no one was ever there. But it felt like Barry. Was it… his spirit? Was she going insane?

It was such a strong feeling it left her breathless and devastated, needing to stop for a moment and press a hand to her chest, willing it to slow down. This wasn't the first time this happened, and it was getting to the point that she thought she really was going crazy. Taking in a shuddering breath, she knew she had to tell someone. She could only think of one friend that would set her mind at ease, so instead of driving home, she rerouted to Star Labs.

"Oh hey, Iris!" Cisco chimed as he met with her along the main hall.

"Hi, Cisco. Is Caitlin still here? I wanted to touch base with her about something."

"Yeah, she's in the lab. Why? Anything wrong? Are you okay? Is it about our newest neighbor?" he asked in concern, leaning in and lowering his voice, as though not wanting any of the dozens of non-existent people around the two of them to listen in.

Iris shook her head, smiling kindly. "No, it's nothing like that. Just wanted to talk to her about... girl stuff."

"Oh. Ooooh, okay! Got it. None of my business. I'ma just mosey on out of here then..!" he did a little dance before spinning on his heels and continuing out.

Iris winced slightly, not meaning to be so misleading. "Have a good night!"

"Night!" Called the tech-guru, waving his hand as he left.

Iris felt a little bad about that. It wasn't like she couldn't talk to Cisco, it was just she needed a more sympathetic ear. She and Caitlin both lost someone close who they were… in love with. She hated that she had to lose him to finally come to terms with her own feelings. And for what? She shook the melancholy thoughts away and focused. On the plus side, Caitlin was also medically trained, so maybe she could make sure she wasn't going crazy.

Caitlin Snow turned and all but jumped in surprise. "Hi, Iris! What's up?" she asked, watching the other woman deliberately turn her head a few inches away from the empty mannequin as she walked by it, not even wanting her peripherals to catch a glimpse. She might put on airs and do her best to convince all who would listen that she was doing better now, but they all knew the deeply seeded pain in her heart.

Iris rubbed her arm in thought, wondering how to bring this up. Direct approach was usually the best policy when it came down to things like this. She took a breath and smiled tightly. "I think I'm hallucinating."

Caitlin stared for a moment, wondering if she heard her right. For a second, she nearly blurted out that she could sympathize, still catching phantom glimpses of Zoom every now and then. "Okay… do you want to try elaborating..?"

Iris sat on one of the chairs in the med bay and sighed, leaning back and staring at the pipework in the ceiling for a moment, gathering her thoughts. "Recently I've been seeing who I… I thought, might be… Barry…"

"Oh, Iris…" Caitlin frowned sadly, her heart going to her, knowing just how she felt.

"I know. I know. The thing is, when I look, no matter how fast I turn, there's never anything or anyone there. But the feeling… it's there. It's like… a prickling sensation or something. I can't explain it."

"I can," Caitlin sighed, figuring she was in a state of denial. "Your heart won't let him go. I saw Ronnie everywhere I looked the first time too. You know it's not Barry, it can't be. He… he was…" she trailed off, not wanting to describe his horrible murder. "He's gone. You know this. You're seeing him, sensing him, because you want to. I'm sorry but… in order to really start healing, you're going to have to try and let him go," she murmured, feeling like the biggest hypocrite in the world.

Iris leaned forward in the seat, clasping her hands. "I can't… I… I can't, Caitlin. He… he was everything to me. He was… my best friend…" she mumbled, struggling to contain the flood of grief from breaking past the dam she had been doing her best to construct. If her walls fell away from her heart, she wasn't sure she'd be able to build them back up again.

Caitlin nodded sadly. "He was more than that, wasn't he? You loved him?"

Iris nodded, hastily wiping the tears that betrayed her control. "He…" she sighed again. "He was… my first love… and my last, I guess. If soul mates exist, I… I know that's what he was. I… god, I messed up," she cried, unable to stop now. "I w-wasted my time. I… I should have waited for him. I should have been with Barry this whole time. I… I loved Eddie, but not… not like Barry," she whimpered. "Now I… now I won't ever get the chance to tell him how I really feel," she added and covered her face with her hands, begging herself not to completely break down then and there.

Caitlin quickly made her way over, leaning down and hugging her, rubbing her arm and back. "I'm sorry I pushed. Please, shhh, it'll be okay! Just give it time. You'll heal." Even saying those words, those typical words said at times like these, Caitlin knew how hollow they were, how little help they would be to a heart that had a void in it.

"When..?" Iris sobbed, sick and tired of feeling like she was dying every day. She didn't remember feeling this destroyed about Eddie. She mourned him of course, had to take a week, but this… this was so much more intense! She just wanted the pain to end!

"Eventually…" Caitlin sighed regrettably.

Cisco Ramon should have known his brother would be a colossal prick. He had rushed out of Star Labs after receiving a vibe of his brother, had called him and asked him to meet him, wanting to make sure he was okay, but of course the asshole was being a self-centered piece of work.

"Dude you invited me."

Cisco stared disbelievingly at his brother, watching him take another sip of his beer, wondering why he even tried. "Unbelievable," he muttered, slapping some money down on the counter. On the screen was an interesting and blurry image of the elusive Savitar, but nothing was being discovered about him yet. "You know? I don't know why I even bother to care. It's not like you give a damn anyway," Cisco scoffed, and stormed out.

"What?" Dante said, setting his drink down and following him out. "Cisco, hey wait!" he called after him, cringing at the rain that began to pelt him. "Yo! I need a lift home!"

Cisco spun around at him. "You still don't have a car?" he accused, not able to believe the nerve his brother had.

"Some of us don't have a fleet of company cars at our disposal!" Dante shot back, walking alongside him. "Dude it's on the way!"

Cisco signed. "Yeah, okay, come on-"

Suddenly a searing how explosion sent the two men crashing to the pavement at full force. When they got up, they saw a masked man with a wicked blade walking toward them. They knew they were in trouble.

Savitar paused in his search for the mystery friend Zoom mentioned, something catching his eye. Or someone. Three to be exact. He frowned, saw Cisco and his brother trying to escape an attacker. The stranger seemed familiar, but he wasn't sure. He didn't remember every single detail right away, despite how the speed force scrambled his mind. The man holding what looked like a scythe approaching Cisco and his brother then pulled his mask off, revealing to be Dante from another Earth. Right. What was his name?

He wondered why he even cared. However, to his incredible annoyance, seeing Cisco in trouble made his heart race with anxiety again, like it did when Zoom threatened all of them. These memories, these... feelings, were becoming a nuisance! Savitar was beyond caring about others! Unfortunately, even with that thought in mind, it didn't stop the now unfamiliar urge to help, as well as the small irritation over himself for even thinking something so weirdly childish.

What was happening to him?

The armored speedster groaned in frustration, wondering if he was developing a personality problem, and knowing if he did nothing about this, his self-loathing would only get worse. Savitar watched, feeling torn, as Cisco and Dante backed up into who he now remembered as Rupture, only to then speed away, no doubt to Star Labs. With him nearby, he suspected Zoom was being cautious of showing himself, but still trying his hand. Maybe he could use this to his advantage.

Before the masked man could move on, Savitar was suddenly in front of him, startling him with his appearance so badly he backpedaled, tripping and falling on his ass, staring at the massive armored figure in shock. Savitar felt himself smile, pleased by the reaction from this douche bag. "Where is Zoom?" he demanded, his mechanical voice booming, approaching slowly, watching him scramble to his feet and back away.

"I-I don't know," Rupture sputtered, gripping his weapon tightly as the frightening stranger slowly walked toward him, every heavy thud of his footsteps sending small shudders through the ground.

"You're lying. You work directly with him. You're one of his Lieutenants. Contact him and tell him to come face me!"

Panicking, Rupture went to strike him with his weapon, but before he knew it, the blade was knocked out of his hands, clattering onto the asphalt and sliding out of reach. He turned to get it back, but Savitar was abruptly in front of him again, blocking him, lightning swirling around him. Rupture cringed. Great, another speed freak. "I can't contact him, even if I wanted to!" he protested with a trembling voice. "Zoom does the contacting, not any of us," he spat, trying to sound braver than he felt.

Rage at not being able to remove Zoom quickly filled him. Savitar rushed him in an instant, pulling his mask off and wrapping his hand around his neck. For a second, Savitar considered just offing him then and there and being done with it, but just as it had with the gangbangers, something stopped him. Considering him for a moment, he saw the grief and rage in Rupture's eyes, hidden behind the fear. So much like his own eyes. Pushing the irritating thought away, he grunted in annoyance and shoved him back. He waited for him to finish coughing. "Tell me why you want… Vibe, dead," he asked then, his anger having calmed.

Rupture was sure he was going to die, so this threw him off. "He killed my brother," he growled out, rubbing his neck. He could have killed him easily, why hadn't he?

"Wrong," Savitar scoffed, knowing that Zoom had lied to him to get him to work with him. He was manipulating a man in pain, and if there was one thing, other than himself and the other Barry Allen, he hated pain.

"What?" Rupture blinked, caught off guard by how flippant the response was.

"Killing isn't in Vibe's nature." Why was he defending him so much? Why did he care?

"It was in my brother's nature, so it is in Vibe too! We all have demons, his just took meeting his double to come out!"

Savitar felt those words deep inside him. How true was that for him? Had a darkness been inside Barry Allen as well? "Regardless. Vibe is not the type on this Earth. He is… soft and caring, he would not be as cold and callous as me and you, or even your brother. Zoom is using you, this fight of yours is for nothing," he said in a tone leaving no argument.

Despite that, Rupture had argument written all over him. "I don't care! I'm not just doing this for Zoom! Someone has to answer for my brothers death! I can't do anything about Zoom, but I can at least make Vibe suffer!"

Again, Savitar was reminded of himself in Rupture, and he loathed to admit it. "I'm warning you. I won't be merciful if Vibe is harmed," he said, still irritated that he had such a strong impulse to protect all of them. When was it he began caring again? And why couldn't he stop it? It was driving him crazy! "If you think Zoom is someone to be afraid of, ask yourself this, why is he avoiding me?" he questioned.

Rupture stared for a moment, wondering if he was right. "Zoom is testing you," he sneered disbelievingly, not willing to take that chance. "He's not afraid of anything."

"Is that right?" Savitar mocked. "We'll see about that…"

Rupture tried not to feel fear shoot through him at the menacing tone. "Get out of my way! I won't be stopped! Not even by you! I will have my vengeance!"

Aggravated by the man's stubbornness, Savitar lost his temper, remembering then how easily he was to take down before. "Fine, have it your way. Go on then. Try. You're weak, pitiful, laughable. Not even worth my time," he snapped, and then disappeared, leaving Rupture confused and pissed off. Savitar snorted, unwilling to see himself in him anymore, finding him pathetic, even if he deluded himself, knowing he felt the same for himself. He sighed, deciding to stick close by in case things got bad.

Savitar studied him from a distance, watching him growl out in frustration, pulling his marks back on, grabbing his blade and heading right for Star Labs. He tracked him, figuring he could get him caught on camera causing damage. For reasons that made him want to claw his own eyes out, he still didn't want him to die… but he needed to be locked away. This was the best option. He watched him reach the lab and start using his weapon to destroy cars and other parts of the large parking lot, screaming for Vibe to come out and face him.

About ten minutes later, Savitar saw Team Flash come out, no doubt having all been recalled to the lab earlier after Cisco's initial encounter. He watched them come out to face him. Cisco again tried to talk to him, but the other man wasn't having any of it. They fired their non-lethal weapons, trying to capture him, subdue him, but Rupture's fury had made him a more formidable threat. Savitar frowned, maybe he shouldn't have lost his temper, but there it was. He saw them narrowly avoid his blade.

A part of strained in the armor, wanting to help, the urge getting stronger every time, but a crueler part of him still insisted he couldn't. He hurt so many people, he killed HR, almost killed Iris, hurt or killed so many others, even if many of them had been villains in their own rights. He wasn't The Flash, not since splintering from the original Barry, what gave him the right to interfere?

But he already had interfered. He had sent Rupture on a rampage. He watched them become overwhelmed and sighed, knowing he couldn't watch them die. He sped over then, taking Rupture down so hard and so fast, none of them were witness to it. One moment he was wielding his blade, about to cut them down, the next he was covered in blood and knocked out cold, laying on the ground.

The team got to their feet, stunned. From a distance, the armored anti-hero watched them capture the other Dante, cuffing him and awaiting the cops to take him away to Iron Heights. Savitar watched Cisco hug it out with his brother, saying he wanted a chance to be closer to him this time, receiving a tearful agreement. Pain went through Savitar, wishing he could have a similar reconciliation, but that wasn't in the cards for him. And yet, he simply couldn't seem to stop acting like the one person he hated the most.

Back in his hidden lair, Zoom shouted in rage, discovering from his spies of Rupture's failure. He had sent him after Savitar, promising the chance to exact revenge on Vibe, but the idiot had went after his brother's copy instead and ruined his plans! He couldn't even go in and punish him, knowing that armored piece of shit would be waiting for him! Zoom kicked a chair and braced himself over a table, brooding.

He had a good feeling that he would most likely defeat anyone he sent. What was he? Certainly a speedster, certainly mortal, not a god like he claimed, but with obviously more power than him. More than his and The Flash's power combined. How was that possible? Irritation at not getting the answers he wanted made him pace.

Another annoyance was that he wanted to take Caitlin with him, bring her hear, make her his… but he felt like he had lost his chance now. That prick, Savitar, would be protecting her. Why did he care? Who was he? If he was a man under that armor, the machine certainly augmented him. This made it so he was all but limited to Earth-2 again. In fury and grabbed the table and threw it, making it hit his cages. He sneered at the masked Flash he kept locked up, watching him flinch and cower. His eyes landed on Killer Frost then, watching her stand her ground, head held high, glaring at him. He admired her strength, hoping Caitlin had that same strength, eager to corrupt it. He wondered then how best to use this copy of her.

In the meantime, Zoom did his best to be discreet, moving between Earths, avoiding the towering threat the best he could. He spied on the group, noticing Savitar keeping watch from a distance. Despite how aggressive and domineering he was, it was very clear to him that he was protecting them for whatever reason. This would make things tricky. Again he wondered who he was. He was certainly not the Flash, as he originally suspected. The Flash was a boy-scout. He wouldn't be ruthless like Savitar was with threats. Even when he didn't kill, he brutally beat down whoever he fought to an inch of their lives, a lot like he did. Could he be a version of himself maybe?

Elsewhere, Savitar leaned against his chair in his factory sanctuary. His mind wouldn't let it go, wouldn't stop reminding him that he did the right thing, sparing Rupture, saving the group again. His anger and disdain wasn't pushing all that away like it had before. His mind was far more clear than it had been in a very long time. Part of him wanted to continue to help, to be who his memories reminded him who he was, but the other part still resented it, not wanting any part of being good, torn between the two. He knew he didn't have a split personality, but he knew he was fighting two sides of himself now, equally, and he hated it.

Savitar rubbed his hand through his hair, hearing the sirens, hearing the gun fire in the distance, hearing all the pain and fear. That part that reveled in it was starting to lessen, the urge to run off and take down the criminals causing the suffering was growing. At the same time, he didn't feel like he had the right to take on The Flash's responsibilities more than he already had.

Meanwhile, Iris sat and listened to her friends as they recounted their encounter with Rupture, and how Savitar had taken him down, despite none of them actually having seen him while he did it. She felt hope fill her heart again for the first time in a long time, learning that someone was watching over them, just as someone had before. Who was he? This dark new hero? Why was he suddenly there? Why did he seem so much like The Flash sometimes? Sure, he really hurt the bad guys… but so far she wasn't aware if he had killed anyone.

Something about Savitar was… familiar. Something in Iris told her she needed to learn more about him.