"Ice skating? Are you serious?"

"Man, Kunzite really doesn't miss a single trick!"

Fuming, Jadeite crumpled the latest flyer from the Dark Kingdom, tossed it to the ground, and stomped on it with pure spite, like an enraged Rumpelstiltskin.

"Next time we take on one of these idiotic assignments, I want a different opponent. Kunzite's completely lost it!"

His comment earned him a venomous glare from Zoisite.

"Hey, no insults, alright? You're talking about my boyfriend here!"

The three former generals were sitting in their lunch break at the Fruit Parlor, sipping orange sodas and heatedly discussing the Dark Kingdom's latest scheme. After the skiing fiasco in the mountains, they'd sworn never to get roped into Kunzite's utterly deranged plans again. Let someone else make a fool of themselves—the three Shitennou were thoroughly fed up.

Motoki approached them, armed with a rag, and tried to talk some sense into them.

"So far, what you've cobbled together hasn't exactly been a masterpiece, but to be honest, based on your stories, it just hasn't clicked yet. We need to stay patient. All's not lost."

"Easy for you to say, Epheios!" Jadeite grumbled. "We couldn't even properly confront Kunzite or Endymion at the hair salon, the princess seminar, or most recently on the slopes. Those two are totally unpredictable in their own weird way."

Their employer looked thoughtfully at the three former villains, now hired as temporary help. Something in their expressions made him sigh loudly before speaking with a furrowed brow.

"Hmm, maybe we need a different approach. So far, you've been far too much in the background. What if this time you went at it a bit more… let's say, aggressively… dynamically?"

Motoki now faced three baffled expressions. With another deep sigh, he pulled out a small package he'd cleverly hidden under his rag. The three ex-villains eyed it curiously as he placed it on the table.

"What's that supposed to be?" Nephrite picked up the item and inspected it closely from all angles.

"Is it a gift for us?" Zoisite snatched it from him and shook the small package eagerly. Motoki just grinned knowingly.

"Go ahead, open it!"

Jadeite didn't need to be told twice. He grabbed the package, tore the box open, and stared in horror at the glittery contents. In disbelief, he looked up at his employer.

"You've got to be kidding me, right?"

"Oh, look at those gorgeous sequins! I'll take the green one!" Zoisite's eyes sparkled with excitement as he twirled the rather tacky bodysuit with its transparent skirt in all directions.

"What's the deal, Epheios?" Nephrite had a terrible suspicion about the blonde barkeep's true intentions.

"Well, Kunzite's latest plan involves the current Olympic gold medal pair in figure skating, Misha and Janelyn, offering a free trial session for their fans to track down the Moon Princess. Naturally, you'll be there to foil this plan. But there's a catch."

"And that would be?"

Motoki could barely contain his laughter. Struggling to keep a straight face, he continued.

"It's exclusively for girls!"

This comment elicited wildly different reactions.

"You're telling me this isn't real?!"

"You can't be serious?!"

"Oh, how cool! So we get to join the training and wear these super chic training outfits? That's insane!"

"Zoisite? Just shut up!"

"No way am I squeezing into that getup and taping down my manhood! What's next, slathering makeup on my face to hide stubble and shaving my legs?! You're completely nuts!"

"Oh, yes, you will. First, you can thank Kunzite and his penchant for unhinged plans, and second, I hired you, and you follow my orders. It's that simple. Now, back to work."

Whistling cheerfully, Motoki left the three—partly shell-shocked—generals at the table and swung his rag over the nearest counter with flair.

Nephrite took a deep breath, then snorted in anger and slammed his palm on the table.

"Epheios does realize he's no better than Beryl with his absurd orders, right? He knows his bossy attitude would fit right into the job description of a Dark Kingdom villain!"

"Honestly, next time I'll think twice about signing up with the Dark Kingdom again. At least there I didn't have to wear pink tutus!"

"Relax, Jadeite, there are worse things. This way, we've got a better shot at running into Kunzite and Endymion… with this perfect disguise."

"If I think about it, there'll be plenty of fresh meat in tight, skimpy outfits running around, heh."

Nephrite crossed his arms smugly behind his head, lost in daydreams of young, long-legged girls. Jadeite snapped him back to reality with a question.

"Can any of you even ice skate?"

--

Deep in the corridors of the Dark Kingdom, someone was in just as foul a mood as Jadeite. The white-haired general had devised yet another plan—and this time, according to his redheaded boss, Beryl, a pretty solid one—but he wasn't entirely convinced it would work. Three times his ideas had gone spectacularly wrong. Partly, though, Endymion was to blame. That wretched jerk couldn't keep meddling in his plans. Maybe this time he could kill two birds with one stone by luring that arrogant fool onto the ice and taking him out alongside the Sailor Guardians.

Endymion still had a weakness for Sailor Moon. Beryl wasn't just missing a leg—she was clearly blind in both eyes when it came to that. But Kunzite kept a close eye on his rival. He had to pay for what happened to Zoisite.

Zoisite.

Kunzite couldn't shake the feeling that his beloved was somehow still with him. Or was it just his imagination? He'd never love anyone as much again, that much he was certain of. In a weak moment, filled with grief, he gazed at their shared photo. If he had one wish, he'd be in Zoisite's world. Once this was all over, maybe he'd follow him. Wherever Zoisite was now, it had to be better than here.

--

"Here's one thing I can tell you: this is the first and last time I'm making a fool of myself like this!"

"I think pink looks fantastic on you, Nephrite. You should wear it more often!"

"Shut it, Jadeite, or I'll tell everyone you're a member of the Sailor Moon fan club… with membership number 5! And that was back when you were still a villain!"

"I think my skating outfit is totally fabulous!"

"Is it just me, or do you have some weird thing for women's clothes? Epheios said you once dressed up as Sailor Moon, Zoisite. What kind of fetish is that? Is Kunzite into role-playing or something?!"

"Shut your stupid mouth, damn it! That was supposed to be a trap for Tuxedo Mask to get the missing Rainbow Crystals, you idiot!"

"Alright, pull yourselves together and stuff some padding up front so we can pass as girls."

Visibly annoyed, Jadeite touched up his eyeliner and turned to his ice-skating princesses.

"Are the wigs on tight? They'd better withstand a double loop."

The three generals inspected each other's disguises in the locker room of the skating rink. For some reason they couldn't fathom, the free training session required groups of five. But where to find two more people?

"How are we supposed to get through the check-in if there's only three of us?"

Zoisite looked helplessly at his two allies while lacing up his skates.

"Leave it to me and my irresistible charm," Nephrite grinned confidently, stuffing two socks into his top to create fake breasts.

The three former Dark Kingdom commanders, now transformed into dazzling figure-skating divas, strutted slowly toward the rink's entrance. A gaggle of young girls was already waiting to get in.

"One leg longer and prettier than the next," Nephrite mused, feeling like he was in seventh heaven. "I'll just chat up a couple who'd fit our little group. Look at those two over there, standing off to the side. They'd be perfect."

Nephrite pointed at a tall blonde with a short haircut, who was leaning down to whisper something to a girl with curly, shoulder-length hair. The blue-haired girl giggled mischievously.

Nephrite rubbed his hands gleefully and elbowed Jadeite playfully.

"Perfect! Jadeite, you take the blonde, and I'll have some fun with the blue-haired one today. She's just my type. Zoisite, you keep an eye out for Kunzite and our Master."

"Why do I have to do all the work alone?"

"Simple. You've already got someone, and we want to live a little. I need a date!"

"In that outfit? With your luck, those two are probably lesbians. But go ahead, do whatever you want!"

Zoisite raised both eyebrows disdainfully as he watched the two former generals ignore his comment and start flirting with the targeted girls. To his shock, their clumsy pickup lines seemed to work. It was almost too easy. Then his jaw dropped as he saw Nephrite and Jadeite go all out with their flirting… and the objects of their affection actually seemed impressed, willingly letting their new escorts lead them toward the entrance. This was highly suspicious!

"Zoi, what are you waiting for? Come on!" Zoisite shook his head in disbelief and stomped after the quartet as best he could on his skates.

--

Also equipped with skates, though not yet in use, was Endymion in his ice-skating tuxedo battle outfit. From a safe distance, he observed the bustling activity on the rink.

His eyes searched for Usagi. She was here, he knew it. Early that morning, he'd taken up his lookout post high in the tree across from her bedroom window. Just in time to catch her waking up, stretching luxuriously, and yawning heartily, with a bit of smacking.

Beautiful. Simply beautiful.

In her pink pajamas. How he'd love to help her change. Or better yet, just undress her. That'd be enough. For him and his insatiable desire for this goddess. She'd embody pure elegance on the ice today. She'd be breathtaking, she'd… wait, no, that wasn't her. That was her tall, brunette bodyguard friend Makoto, practically floating across the ice.

Impressive!

Usagi was surely just as talented. There? Nope, not her either. That was the potential youma for today. Hmm… where was Usagi?

Endymion desperately scanned for a graceful silhouette gliding across the ice with utmost elegance… until his gaze landed on a blonde girl with a unique hairstyle, dressed in a white skating outfit, who had just "landed"… on her backside, for the umpteenth time. Painful memories surfaced at the sight. His extraordinary self-healing powers aside, he hadn't forgotten that sharp pair of hairdressing scissors. If he ever got his hands on the moron who'd left that deadly tool on the chair…

But then another group caught his attention, making him suspicious. Were those three clumsy figures on the ice… transvestites?

"Did Kunzite invite his fan club today or what? Hah, typical of him to mix business with pleasure," he muttered scornfully to himself, inwardly resolving to teach Usagi how to figure skate as soon as possible. He just needed the right opportunity.

--

Back on the ice, the supposed transvestites were clinging to the boards, inching along one behind the other.

"Great job! Couldn't Pluto have warned us that Neptune and Uranus, in civilian clothes, were also… planning to hit the rink today? That would've spared me this… utter embarrassment!" Nephrite complained, nearly falling on his padded rear twice.

"You guys are putting on a truly pathetic show!" Zoisite sneered, almost doing an unintended split on the ice.

"Can someone explain why at least one Sailor Guardian is always ridiculously good, if not downright phenomenal, at any given discipline, while we, Endymion's personal guard, are complete disasters?! I mean, we can't ski, we can't dance—whether on a dance floor or an ice rink!"

"I think that alone explains why it was so easy for the Dark Kingdom to brainwash us, not once, but twice! The Guardians are just better, and we have to admit it, no matter how much it stings."

"True. Jupiter, for example, isn't just a natural at dancing—she's also an incredible cook and can clean like nobody's business. Ask Epheios; she once cleaned his entire place, he said. I bet there's something going on between those two—"

"Can you two stop blabbing for a second and focus on our mission? Is that possible? Good, thanks!"

The three generals scanned their surroundings intensely, still gripping the boards tightly. Suddenly, Zoisite spotted something.

"Kunzite at eight o'clock!"

"Come on, let's skate over to him!"

"How?!"

"Is he… flirting with that Olympic champion?"

"That pig, he's supposed to be with me! How dare him!"

Zoisite rolled up his nonexistent sleeves and set off toward his (ex?) partner, clearly forgetting he had no clue how to skate. With a high-pitched yelp, he slid across the rink, shot through the gap between Kunzite and the supposed male half of the week's youma duo, and crashed with outstretched arms into the trio of Minako, Rei, and Ami.

Jadeite sighed deeply at the sight of the uncoordinated heap on the freezing ice across the rink.

"No wonder Beryl punished him with eternal sleep. He's even more incompetent than I am!"

--

A little later, as everyone was more or less back on their feet, a signal sounded, and a female voice announced that the free training session was over. The three generals left the ice, visibly disappointed. Once again, they'd failed to nab either of the two villains.

In the (men's) locker room, they let their frustration run free.

"No matter what we do, nothing works! We haven't made an inch of progress. So far, we've accomplished absolutely NOTHING!"

"If we don't come up with a really good plan soon, we can forget about getting Kunzite and our Master to the side of good!"

"We might as well give up and start praying at the Hikawa Shrine. That'd be way more useful than what we're doing now!"

Zoisite had been quietly listening to his two comrades' back-and-forth for a while. Give up on Kunzite? Impossible! They shared so much, beyond their time in the Dark Kingdom. There had to be some way to reach him, something to lure Kunzite out so he could finally confront him. Suddenly, an idea sparked in his mind.

Like a madman, he burst into loud laughter. Of course! Why hadn't he thought of this from the start?! The other two ex-villains just stared at him, bewildered.

"Great, now he's completely lost it!" Nephrite remarked bitterly, only to be met with a surprisingly friendly smile from his frenemy.

"Not quite, my dear Nephrite. But I've just had a pretty brilliant idea. Come on, let's call it a day and leave the rink. They'll manage fine without us. I've got some things to discuss with you two."

What grand plan had Zoisite come up with?

--

Back in the rink, Endymion had set out to find his Moon Princess. Makoto was allowed to stay longer because she'd so impressively wowed the evil youma with a lift. He'd love to rehearse something similar with Usagi, à la Dirty Dancing. Where was she? Ah, there she was, hopping aimlessly through the empty hallways.

"Tatatatatatatatatata!"

Would she mind if he swooped in as a masked villain right then and there, whisking her onto the ice? It'd be the perfect chance for a quick detour to his private chambers in the Dark Kingdom. His bed there was quite comfy… though he basically never slept in it, preferring the branch of the tree directly across from Usagi's bedroom.

"I'm not just going home! I insist on getting more lessons!"

The blonde bunny in front of him wanted the same thing he did? Well, sort of.

Whatever. First, he had to sneak up on her from behind. Just as he was about to grab her, some jerk flung the door open right in front of her, smacking the door panel straight into the object of his desire.

There she lay, and Endymion was at a loss for what to do. But Usagi was tougher than he thought—she quickly picked herself up and peered, puzzled, into the now-open surveillance room.

"That's so mean… huh? What's that?!" "No way!" she squealed and bolted off like she'd been stung by a tarantula. The next moment, something exploded in the mysterious surveillance room.

Hmm, clearly the youma were targeting Makoto. And she was still on the ice, where Usagi was now running.

Perfect! This was his chance to start ice-skating lessons right here and now. He quickly strapped on his skates and rushed after his beloved.

She was already on the ice when he arrived at the rink. Well, more or less—she was sprawled out, about to be attacked by the professional skating monsters. He couldn't let that happen! In flawless Dutch speed-skating style, he zoomed to his damsel in distress and pulled her along with him.

God, that felt good! Playing the hero was his specialty! But now it was time to start training.

"Oh, Tuxedo Mask, thank you, thank you! You saved me again!" Sailor Moon breathed, leaning into him with complete trust.

Time for something cool to keep up the act! Preferably something as lame as what he'd thrown at her and Sailor Mars in the mountains.

"I wouldn't say that. I just don't like it when people get dragged into fights they have nothing to do with."

Ha, that was good. Pretty creative, even!

"Huh?" came Usagi's understandably confused reply.

Alright, fine, I'll brake it down for her like a pro so she gets what I mean.

"I'll make sure this pointless violence stops, and then I'll come back for the Silver Crystal."

"Oh no!" was Usagi's slightly alarmed response.

"Endymion, you'd better not get involved."

"Or you'll be in trouble, no matter who you are."

The two monsters were clearly pissed that Endymion was planning to hold his training session here. But he remained utterly unfazed by the threats from Kunzite's double-youma dispatch. After all, he was the ultimate evil prince of the Dark Kingdom!

"You don't seriously think you can beat ME, do you?" he retorted snarkily. Sailor Moon saw things a bit differently, for once claiming the voice of reason.

"Don't provoke them, or they'll keep fighting!"

Provoke? Ha! A brilliant idea hit him as he saw the two monsters charging recklessly at him and Sailor Moon.

"Jump!" he commanded the warrior in his arms.

"What?!"

"Come on, do it!" Before Sailor Moon knew it, Endymion had launched her into a triple throw Salchow, which she landed perfectly backward on her blade with a loud scream.

"I can ice skate, yippee!"

Her joy was short-lived as she saw the villains charging at her again, determined.

"They're coming back!"

That's when Endymion channeled his inner Russian figure-skating coach. All he was missing was the fur coat. Sternly, he barked at his beloved, transformed Usagi.

"Jump again… higher!"

"I'd love to if I could!" she wailed desperately, but one fierce look from Endymion was enough, and Sailor Moon focused.

"Ahh, alright, I'll try!"

As Endymion demanded, she pulled off a miracle, launching forward and landing the world's first quadruple Axel flawlessly (who the heck is Ilia Malinin?).

"I did it! I jumped on my own… oh, I'm amazing!"

"Not bad, that was a solid jump, Sailor Moon!" her new coach had to admit, though he hadn't shown a single jump himself.

"Thanks, heh!"

In their intense skating training and flirty banter on the ice, the two lovebirds had completely forgotten about the youma.

Oops.

Endymion and Sailor Moon were caught off guard by the dancing villains and slammed into the boards, but luckily, someone else in the background had recovered and unleashed a fierce

"Thunderbolt… Strike!"

The three remaining Sailor Guardians, along with a thoroughly battered Kunzite, joined the fray, leaving six good guys facing three bad ones. Wait… five good guys, three bad ones, and one who wasn't quite sure which side he belonged to.

Clearly furious over his failed plan, General Kunzite willingly sacrificed his monsters and unleashed a spontaneous "Ice Hell" via massive air conditioners on the ceiling, hoping to take out the smug Endymion in the process.

"Kunzite," Endymion hissed, noticing a glowing red hemisphere on the ceiling. Kunzite was such a loser—could he have made it any more obvious? Endymion hurled his otherwise useless cane at the villainous device in a high arc and then vanished from the scene. The rink was getting way too crowded for his taste.

Once again, he'd accomplished nothing. Beryl was probably starting to get suspicious, if that idiot general hadn't already ratted him out. Another chance to snag the Imperial Silver Crystal would come up eventually.

But that could wait. For now, he'd make himself comfortable on his tree branch. Usagi would be home soon. Endymion was already looking forward to it.