A/N:

Long time no see. It feels like I've started writing this story forever ago, but it's only been little over a year and some change? That doesn't feel right. I've been so busy that time has flown by but when I think about the times I had when I was hardly doing anything it feels like an eternity ago. Weird how that works.

As a result of such a massive time gap, it's natural that my writing style has (probably) changed (for better or for worse), so I imagine the difference in formatting and style will be jarring (or not).

Regardless, I apologize for the wait. Please enjoy.

It's nighttime in Shibuya, the lights are glaring, horns are blaring, and the people are uncaring.

And Ren hates it.

Being from a small town out in the sticks means it's quiet and calm. The only real hustle and bustle comes from the yearly festivals and even then, it was lax and lowkey. The perks of an aging and cranky town population, Ren supposes. "This was an idiotic idea,"a critical thought whispers, "deep down you're still just a quiet country bumpkin with no place to call home. You can't even be faceless among an ocean of sycophants."Usually, Ren would fight against this voice, claiming that Leblanc was his home, that among his friends and confidants he found a home in their company, but tonight, Ren is too tired, too restless to put up a fight tonight.

The truth is, Ren couldn't sleep tonight. How could he? With these recent delves into Mementos, he's discovered that he can do some sort of pseudo-time travel AND intrude on the dreams of his friends and confidantes. Sure, it felt all well and good to be a savior or to participate in a steamy fantasy, but was that really his place?'I mean, wasn't the Phantom Thieves founded as a team partially to make sure we don't all run off and abuse the power of Mementos? That we make sure our targets are justly deserving, to make sure we don't get too out of line? Does this count? Was any of that real? Is this real?'

Sensing that spiral, Ren cuts off that train of thought as he rests his forehead against the cool metal of the streetlamp. With his eyes closed, Ren takes a deep breath,'I'm not going to lose it. Relax Ren. Breathe. You're in reality, you're in Shibuya. You're alive. Breathe.'"Derealization" is what Makoto called it. When the Thieves descended into Mementos too frequently in a short period of time, it wasn't uncommon for the lines to blur between reality and cognitive space. Derealization would at most give you anxiety or brief periods of panic, but it wasn't anything a couple days of rest couldn't fix.

"Funnily enough, everyone thinks you're immune to it."That cold critical voice slithers back into Ren's mind,"It was such an easy lie. 'Oh, the reason why I don't suffer from derealization? I dunno, maybe it's the same reason I can have multiple personas?"The thought taunting Ren, throwing his own words back at him in a mocking tone. Ren winced at the memory. It was a lie. Ren was just as susceptible to derealization just as any other Phantom Thief. It made Mementos and Palace Infiltration a living hell in the first couple of months, but Ren liked to think that he built up a resistance to it."A resistance? Don't you dare lie to yourself, deceiver! The truth is, you've been derealized for a long time. Are you suuuuuuure you're the real you? Do you even know what that is?"

Ren growled and punched the streetlamp hard, his knuckles already bruising and the skin cracked. Some passerby stopped, their gazes questioning and worried. Feeling a spike of anxiety at the attention, Ren shoves his hands into his pockets and stalks off towards the subway station,'Shut. Up. I don't need this now, especially not from you. I'm just... stressed. All this palace infiltration work and school exams coming up... don't even get me started with everyone bothering me for favors and hangouts and and and and... WHAT ABOUT ME DAMNIT?!'

Ren's thoughts roared, he was angry, pissed off... and feeling guilty. Deep breaths... Deep breaths. Ren was sweating and panting, apparently this mental anguish is causing a greater toll on him than he thought.'Relax. It... It's not anyone's fault but my own. I chose to keep my struggles to myself... I chose to hang out with my friends and confidantes- my family. I chose all of that. You're being irrational.'Ren scolded himself, but even as he calmed down, he still felt a pang of frustration that no one picked up on his struggles.'That's ridiculous. No one is a mind reader... stop being such an ass. What am I so angry for?'

Ren felt exhausted. These past few days... the silent mourning of Kotone, the weight of guilt for intruding on the private dreams of his closest allies... how would anyone get it? How COULD ANYONE understand? This thinking thing... it wasn't working out. Ren needed something to do, he needed energy to burn, something mindless... something to...hurt. To take his frustrations out on.

Staring down at the bottom of the escalators, Ren knew he shouldn't do this.'I'm mentally exhausted, I'm emotional, it's late, I have school tomorrow, I can get hurt, I can die, I can become unstable, I can die, I shouldn't do this. I can die. I can die. I can die. I can die. I can die. I can die.'

Ren's mantra looped endlessly as he descended the escalators. Even as the world warped into red and black.

A/N:

Shorter (I think?) chapter compared to the previous two. Needed to get the gears running, y'know? This chapter came out easier than I thought it would once I sat down and actually wrote the damn thing. Probably a better use of time compared to doom scrolling. You might see me around. Or not. Regardless I hope everyone is doing well.

P.S.: Damn I cringed hard when looking back at the past two chapters. Yeesh. I'm not going to edit or reformat or change anything but like damn... can't believe I sat down and typed that. Hope that doesn't discourage anyone nor does the change in style/direction/whatever affect anyone in this new chapter.