This chapter is going to be a long one. Anyways...

It would be 15 hours after surgery when Spencer would wake up. Well, kind of. Penelope sat at the end of his bed with Morgan standing next to her. They had been casually talking, discussing the case when they both heard the bed creak. Penelope's eyes darted toward Spencer, and she saw his head roll slightly to the side. She held her breath as she stood up and walked over to the bed, hoping this movement was intentional on Spencer's part.

"Spencer?" She said meekly, placing a hand on his forehead. Spencer moved his head a little and his lips parted slightly. They could see Spencer trying to open his eyes.

"You there, kid?" Morgan said, putting one hand on Spencer's leg, and the other one on Penelope's shoulder. A small noise came out of Spencer's mouth. Spencer's eyes cracked open. Small slits of irises presented themselves

"Hey," Penelope said nervously, grabbing his hand. Spencer stared blankly, his eyes barely open and not focused on anything at all. His glassy eyes eventually found Penelope,

Penelope was able to barely breath out a "Spencer" before his eyes rolled shut again. Penelope sighed a breath of relief. Morgan squeezed her shoulder.

"You saw that, right?" Penelope asked in disbelief. Morgan nodded. Relief and joy flooded Penelope's heart.

"That's great progress." Spencer's doctor said behind them, rubbing some sanitizer on his hands. There was a tender smile on his face.

"S-So, does that mean he's going to be okay?" Penelope asked eagerly.

"Well, it's a good sign. He's not out of the woods yet but he's making great progress. He's putting up a good fight." The doctor said with a soft smile.

Spencer felt cold. Like he did in the ambulance. Except it wasn't bumpy anymore; he didn't feel like he was getting jostled about. He had a massive headache. And something was… beeping? An obnoxious, obsessive beeping. He willed the beeping away, but it persisted. Damn it, that thing was annoying. He tried his eyelids and at first they wouldn't open. Then he tried again, they opened a crack, and then one more time before he could get them mostly open. Everything was blurry for a second before his eyes focused. There was hardly any light in the room. He recognized that he was in the hospital. There at the end of his bed, sitting in a chair, was his boss, Aaron Hotchner.

"Hey kid," he said.

Spencer blinked a few times, the light causing pain in his head. He groaned and reached up to his face feeling the tube snaking behind his ears. It took him a few seconds to realize Aaron had said something to him.

"Mmmmmm." Spencer muttered in pain. "Hotch," Spencer said, hoping Aaron would repeat what he had said.

"Hey kid, it's me. How are you feeling?" He asked.

"Mhhm my throat's dry." He said. His head pounded relentlessly. The smell of sterilization had seeped into his senses in every single unimaginable torturous way. That smell was awful. He couldn't imagine how people worked in places like this. Spencer's mouth felt dry, but based on the IV in his forearm, he could assume that he wasn't dehydrated.

"Doc, he's awake." Hotch told a doctor in the hallway.

A nurse and a doctor looked over and made their way over to the room.

"Dr. Reid, How are you feeling?"

"How did you know I'm a doctor?" Spencer said tiredly. The medical doctor smirked.

"Your boss told me." A brief smile flashed across the medical doctor's face.

"I'm Doctor James Bern, I'm going to be your doctor today. Can you please tell me your name and age please?"

"Uh, Dr. Spencer Walter Reid, and I'm 25 years old, I was born on October 12, 1981 to Diana and William Reid." The doctor smiled again.

"Perfect, and do you know where you are?"

"I'm at a hospital," Spencer said.

"Good. Now, I will be using a light to look at your pupils. I will try to be as quick as I can" he said, leaning over Spencer with a pen light.

"And do you know what year it is?"

"It's 2006." Spencer took a deep breath before laying his arm across his abdomen. He let his head roll to the side. Before he could say anything else, Aaron and the doctor watched Spencer's eyes slip shut.

"Spencer?" Aaron said in a concerned tone. The doctor stepped next to Spencer's bedside.

"He's okay, he's back to resting. I'm honestly surprised he stayed awake for that long."

"So that's normal?" Aaron asked.

"Yeah, he will sleep for long periods of time while his brain is healing. Most of our head trauma patients don't stay away for very long when they first regain consciousness. We want to not disturb him, so we'll wake him up for things like food, medications, and things along that line."

Spencer blissfully slept for hours until that evening. When he awoke, he found himself alone, in a dim room, with the light on above his bed. He felt slightly anxious, being alone in a hospital room. He looked around the room, noticing the open blinds in the window, casting a glow from the city lights into his room. He looked around the room and saw flower arrangements placed around the room. He smiled, knowing that they were probably brought by his team. He then looked around his bed, moving the sheets around, until he found the call button. He pressed it and then laid his head back, longing for some form of human interaction. He listened to the rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor. He was aggravated by it but he couldn't do anything about it. He looked back over to the window and watched the cars go by. After a few minutes, a nurse popped her head in.

"Good evening, Mr. Reid, I saw you pressed your call button?" the nurse said in a tone that sounded more like a question than a statement. Spencer was a little annoyed by the improper address but decided to let it go.

"Uh, yes, uhm what time is it?"

"It's 8 o'clock"

"Have I eaten?" he asked, curious.

"Yes sir. Day shift said you ate around 5pm. Do you remember?" Spencer shook his head.

"It's okay, it says in your chart that you have a concussion, so it's normal to experience some gaps in memory for the first couple of days." That didn't ease Spencer's mind. It was scary not being able to remember things like eating dinner.

"Are you comfortable? Do you need anything?" She asked warmly, taking a look at his vitals.

"I guess so, where are my things?" he asked. The nurse grabbed a bag off of a side chair and handed it to him. He looked through the bag, eventually finding his phone and pulling it out. He flipped it open and his eyes hurt at how bright the screen was. The nurse walked next to him and started adjusting his pillows.

"Would you like to try to use the restroom, Mr. Reid?" Spencer flipped his phone shut.

"I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" He said politely.

"Yes, would you like to try to use the restroom?" She said, rolling the bedside table away.

"uh, sure." He said placing his phone back in the bag labeled "Patient Belongings". The nurse helped him up, slowly walking him towards the bathroom. Spencer stopped at the mirror in the bathroom, peering at himself. He looked at the bandage on his head. He traced the bruises on his face. He looked down at his bandaged wrists and feet. He looked at the IV in his arm, briefly longing for the blissful, painless high he had experienced in the cabin. He knew it was wrong, he knew it would get him fired, but he had never experienced such peace as when the dilaudid was coursing through his veins. The thought of the whiplash he experienced when he would awake, realizing he was still in the cabin, sent a shiver down his spine. He shook his head as though he was physically shaking off the thought. Spencer pushed the thoughts out of his mind, finished his business, and came out of the bathroom, giving the nurse a gentle smile.

She helped him back into bed when he was finished. She adjusted Spencer's pillows before asking if he needed anything. He requested some ice chips, and she smiled warmly before exiting to get some. As she was leaving, Spencer pulled out his cellphone out of the bag again. He flipped it open, scrolling through his contact list. He briefly considered calling someone to keep him company. He looked through the names, wondering what each one of them were doing at that moment. The nurse came back into the room with a cup in her hand. As she was setting the cup on his bedside table, another figure appeared in the doorway.

Jennifer smiled warmly at him, flowers in her hand.

"Hey," he said softly, as the nurse left. He could tell that Jennifer was nervous, her shoulders were tight.

"Hey,"she said, her voice slightly shaking, as she set the vase of flowers in his window.

"How are you?" she asked, hugging him deeply.

"As good as I can be." He said as he broke away from the hug, trying to be humorous. He saw her eyebrows tension as she looked at him, almost studying him. He hated the feeling of people being worried about him. He hated that he looked like a wreck and knew that his current appearance was probably unnerving. In his mind, he looked worse than he felt.

"It's not your fault." He looked as her eyes met his. The piercing guilt she felt was not lost on him. She inhaled nervously.

"We-we never should have separated,"

"JJ"

"I watched the livestream"

"JJ"

"When we found you, I was going to apologize"

"JJ, it's not your fault." He tried to reassure her. "It's not your fault." He saw the tears well up in her eyes before she quickly blinked them away.

"Are you okay?" she asked quietly. He knew she wasn't just asking about his physical condition.

"Yeah."

"How bad?" She said, gesturing to all the equipment.

"Uh, I don't really remember, honestly." He said, breathing out a laugh, causing her to scoff. He smiled. "I know they said something about a concussion. Either way, it's nothing I can't handle. Anyways, you're here late."

"Yeah, just got off. And Hotch gave us a long weekend after we all completed our reports."

"That's nice. So what's your plan for this weekend?

"Ah not much, got some cases I have to look over for Hotch, but nothing much,"

Spencer's face twisted into a grimace.

"Are you okay?" JJ said, a hint of worry in her voice.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good, just have a headache."

JJ scooted the chair forward and put her hand on the bed. Spencer's hand moved down and grabbed her hand. It wasn't romantic, both of them knew that. It was reassuring.

"I'm okay." He said softly. His head was pounding, but he knew he needed to push through it to reassure Jennifer. They locked eyes. Beneath the gauze and bruises, JJ saw a soft smile curl up at the corners of his lips. She squeezed his hand, running her thumb across the gauze wrapped around his hand.

"I'm sorry." She said calmly, but sincerely.

"For what?" Spencer said.

"We never should have separated. I never should have suggested it. If we hadn't separated, maybe you wouldn't have… maybe it wouldn't have ended this way."

"If we hadn't separated, we both could have been…abducted," Spencer took a breath in, nervous about what was about to say. "We both could have died."

He studied JJ, waiting for her reaction. But what he wasn't expecting was the lack of response. She froze, no reaction for multiple seconds before she finally said something.

"You died, and that's my fault."

"I didn't die. My-"

"I watched Tobais do CPR on you. I watched you die."

"My heart stopped. Once in the cabin, once in the ambulance. But I didn't die, I'm still here. And that is not your fault, that's Tobias' fault. He did that." JJ nodded and then her expression changed.

"Wait, you coded in the ambulance?"

"Yeah, from what I remember and from what I've been told."

"Holy shit." she said. A long silence filled the room as Spencer watched JJ try to process what he had just said.

"I'm not trying to make you relive anything, but how much do you remember?" Spencer's eyes involuntarily squeezed shut as flashes of the last 24 hours flashed through his mind. Tobias with blood pouring out of his chest, the ambulance, doctors asking if he could wiggle his toes, the pain of being rolled onto his side and rolled back over, the coldness of gel being squeezed onto his abdomen.

"Hey," JJ's voice pulled him back into reality.

"I-I'm sorry,"

"It's okay, you don't have to talk about it."

"No it's fine, it's just sometimes I don't remember anything, and other times I remember everything. To answer your question, I remember bits and pieces of everything."

"I don't know if this will make you want to laugh or cry, but Hotch cried when he called Gideon after they handed you off to the ER staff." Spencer smiled and laughed a little bit.

"How do you know that?"

"I could hear him through Gideon's phone. The man doesn't know to turn down the volume on his phone. He might as well have been on speaker," she said smiling. They knew it was a morbid thing to laugh at, but they were both in need of some gallows humor.

"I never thought I'd see the day when he would drop the stone cold facade." Spencer said.

"Exactly, I was shocked that he does in fact have emotions, " she said sarcastically. He laughed, which in turn caused her to laugh. His laugh turned into coughs as he clutched his ribs, but the grin remained on his face.

"Ah man," he said, breathing out the rest of his laugh,"how's Penelope."

"She's good, she's worried obviously. But, I don't think she's going to stop being worried until you get out of here."

"Yeah probably."

"She's anxious, but I think she knows you're on the mend. I don't know if you remember, but she said she was there when you first woke up."

"I do not remember that at all." he said.

"Yeah, I guess it wasn't for very long. She said you basically woke up and went right back to sleep almost immediately but she was grateful to be there."

Spencer's face had an inquisitive look come across it.

"Is that who put the Doctor Who figurines on the table?" He said pointing to his bedside table. JJ smiled and snickered, glancing at the figurines.

"Probably." A smile grew across Spencer's face.

"That's so like her."

Spencer glanced back to the window, traffic driving by.

"It's really nice to see that you're in good spirits. It's been really intense around the BAU for the last couple of days." JJ said. Spencer smiled. JJ realized how sleepy he looked.

"Well I'll let you get some rest."

"Hey, thank you for coming. I really appreciate you visiting." Spencer said, smiling softly.

"Let me know if you need anything." JJ said, giving Spencer's hand a warm grasp in both of her hands before letting go.

"Sure thing."

"You want me to bring a sweater or blankets from your apartment?"

"A sweater would be nice."

"You got it. Goodnight, Spence."

"Good night JJ. Thank you." JJ nodded and smiled before stepping out of the room.

When JJ left the room, the silence settled again. Spencer stared at the ceiling, the pulse monitor still ticking away beside him like a metronome. He wondered if he'd ever be able to sleep without that sound echoing in his brain. Or if he'd ever look at a bottle of painkillers the same way again. He sighed and closed his eyes, letting himself fall into a blissful sleep.

note from author: please please please leave a review, i really want to hear your thoughts and ideas