Music for writing : Inner Turmoil, Vampire Knight

James started the coffee maker around 6 a.m. Albus had finally passed out just an hour earlier. He hadn't slept at all. The smell of coffee began to fill the kitchen, and he prepared two cups, setting them on the counter. He pulled out his watch, the one his father had given him, which had once belonged to Sirius Black. He sighed before putting it back in his pocket and headed upstairs to his room. He quietly opened the door and stepped inside. Turning on the small bedside lamp, he approached the blonde head poking out from under the covers. He shook the small form several times, more sharply on the fourth attempt.

"Wake up, Malfoy, you can't be seen here."

Disoriented, Scorpius pushed the covers aside and sat up.

"What time is it?" he asked, his voice groggy.

"Just past 6. No one's awake yet. Come on, get moving, I made coffee."

Scorpius eventually got up and followed James down to the kitchen. He sat at the counter, accepting the warm cup James placed in his hands. The boy sat across from him, his own cup in one hand, rubbing his eyes, clearly exhausted.

Scorpius took a sip of coffee and remarked,

"You look terrible."

James removed his hand from his eyes and took a sip as well.

"You don't look much better," he replied, glancing at the boy's pale face. He added three sugars to his cup. "I haven't slept. Surprised?"

"Your bed's free now. If you're staying up for me, don't bother."

"Okay, you know what? We don't have to talk."

He grabbed his cup and a pack of cigarettes, then opened the sliding glass door leading to the small terrace, closing it behind him. The terrace was slightly heated by a spell, a little winter garden outdoors, just like his mother had always wanted.

James sat at the table, setting his cup down, a cigarette unlit between his lips. It must have snowed all night; their footprints from the previous day had vanished, and the trees had frozen overnight. Icicles hung from the branches. He pulled out his lighter and lit the cigarette, savoring the smoke as it filled his lungs and his nearly empty stomach. It had been months since he last smoked, and this particular cigarette tasted like heaven.

He heard the sliding door open and saw Malfoy slip outside.

"Got a cigarette?" he asked, sitting at the other end of the table.

James tossed the pack over without looking at him. He pulled the lighter from his pocket and slid it across the table. After the first inhale, Scorpius seemed to relax, pulling his knees up to his chest on the seat.

"Thanks," he muttered, tossing the pack and lighter back.

"Wow," James remarked flatly without looking at him, aware that it was the first time the boy had ever thanked him.

Scorpius exhaled the smoke.

"Shut up."

They sat in silence for a moment, watching the frozen landscape.

"What are you going to do now?" James asked without looking at Scorpius.

"What do you mean?"

James shrugged, as if it were obvious.

"Are you planning to leave without giving any explanation, make up some excuse before you slip out, or are you going to pretend everything's fine until you can go home?"

Scorpius turned his chair to the left and stretched out his legs.

"And why do you care?

James exhaled smoke and pointed toward the window on his right.

"In that living room, there's a tree with dozens of presents around it, and a bunch of people — who happen to be my family — will be here around 9 a.m. to open them and wish each other a Merry Christmas. My question is: are you going to ruin that, or are you going to suck it up?"

Scorpius raised an eyebrow.

"Is that what you're doing right now? Sucking it up?"

"I'm able to compartmentalize things better than you two, at least."

"Maybe that's because you've got the easiest role, James? Or maybe because this whole mess is your fault?"

"Apparently not. The memory vial wasn't about me, as far as I know."

The remark hit hard, and Scorpius licked his lips, glaring at James with contempt.

"Great. Did he tell you everything?"

"No. He told me about a vial he stole, which had one of your memories in it. I just guessed the rest. It wasn't that hard."

"I'm not sure how I should take that."

"Badly. It means you've got 'self-loathing'and 'trauma'written all over you."

"That must've suited you just fine. You slept with that body more than once."

Scorpius meant it as an insult, but when he saw James slowly looking him up and down, he regretted his words.

"Yeah, maybe," James finally said, turning his gaze away.

Scorpius shook his head, looking away too.

"You make me sick," he muttered.

"I could say the same about you. What you're doing to my brother… it pisses me off."

"No one asked for your opinion."

"Oh, I wasn't planning on getting involved until you showed up in my room in the middle of the night. You clearly wanted Albus to suffer, and that makes me furious," James said, pointing his finger at Scorpius. "Don't ever use me to hurt my brother again."

"He stole that memory because he thought it was about you, so don't absolve yourself so quickly."

James didn't reply, and Malfoy looked down at the table, pressing his finger into a crack in the wood. His voice became a murmur.

"He doesn't trust me."

"Did it ever occur to you that it's your job to earn his trust? You can blame me for a lot of things, but you haven't exactly been clean with him either, Scorpius. It's normal that he's scared. It's hard to know what you're thinking. Nott didn't know either, did he?"

Malfoy stayed silent.

"And then you're surprised no one trusts you. You're unreachable."

"I tried to get close to you once, a long time ago, and you made me pay for it tenfold."

"Let's talk about that! Do you remember how it all started? You came to me, only to slap me across the face without me even knowing why. Well, now I get it. I think we could've avoided a lot of trouble if you had had the guts to deal with your issues."

"You're telling me that what happened is my fault?"

"I didn't say that, I'd never say that, I know what I did. But I can't carry all of it. Take your share of responsibility. Things don't just happen by accident. I'm not saying you deserved what happened between us, but… it makes me angry to think it could've been different. And you're doing the same thing with Albus. You're making us pay for what happened to you."

"Oh, shut up, James, you're exhausting me!" Scorpius snapped, suddenly getting up from his chair to head back inside the house.

"Go on, run away, that's all you're good at."

Malfoy felt a surge of anger and, in a fit of rage, threw his cup at James's head. Potter dodged the throw, but Malfoy didn't give him time to react, landing a punch to his temple before tackling him out of his chair. They crashed to the ground, a tangle of legs and arms, rolling off the terrace in their fight.

James quickly gained the upper hand despite Scorpius's fury, who kept landing blows. Eventually, James flipped him over and pinned him to the ground, gripping his wrists on either side of his head.

The struggle stopped, and for a moment, they stared into each other's eyes, panting. Scorpius's gaze drifted to James's mouth before returning to his eyes. Without thinking, Potter leaned in to kiss him. That's exactly what Malfoy had been waiting for. He bit down on James's lip, hard enough to draw blood, forcing him to release his wrists. James cried out and drove his fist into Scorpius's ribs twice. He managed to pull away and moved a meter back from Scorpius, leaving the boy to painfully get onto his knees, clutching his sides.

In the snow, trembling, barefoot, and with scraped knees, they glared at each other in silence.

"Feel better?" James asked, wiping the blood from his chin.

Scorpius shot him a dark look as he massaged his stomach.

Behind them, they heard slow, dry applause, and they quickly turned around.

Albus was sitting on one of the terrace chairs, his legs propped up on the table. He seemed to have been watching them for a while.

"You can be heard from upstairs. You're lucky everyone's still asleep." He lowered his feet from the table and stood up. "You're both pretty messed up. You almost deserve each other."

"How long have you been there?" James asked as he stood.

Albus looked at them both, slowly shifting his gaze between them. His face was dark and somber.

"A while," he finally said, stepping forward. "I didn't say anything because, strangely, watching you beat each other up… felt good."

He stepped off the terrace and approached through the snow. When he reached Scorpius, he stared down at him.

"He's right," Albus said in a low, icy voice. "I've always been clear with you. For months now, I've been clear. And you… no, both of you!" He pointed between Scorpius and James. "You've both been playing me for a fool. Despite that, I gave us a chance. I admit it, I screwed up. I never should've stolen that vial. But you pushed me to the limit. You could have understood that, but no. And do you know why? Because you've never questioned yourself. You've stayed true to who you are—still desperate, still lost. You can keep nurturing those wonderful qualities, but it won't be with me. Because I deserve better from you. So if you leave, Scorpius, I won't chase after you."

Malfoy didn't flinch, locking eyes with him. A slight tremor ran through him, but it quickly vanished as he drew a breath. Pride replaced the pain. He stepped past Albus, brushing his shoulder as he went.

Albus watched him as he disappeared into the house, closing the door behind him.

"That was stupid," his brother murmured behind him.

Albus turned to look at him, indifferent, his eyes lifeless.

"If you want him, take him. I'm done."

He turned his back on James and walked toward the house, leaving his brother behind.

End of Chapter 32

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