Unleash the Bots, Conquer the World (Spam Cover Art Commission Parody)
Severus Snape was seriously displeased. He had been whisked again and again out of the sweet oblivious of death and nothingness, to re-live all of the worst moments of his life. And for some reason, these "fans" often placed him in stories where he was paired with the muggle born Hermione Granger. Why he, a man about twice her age, had to be subjected to the humility of courting this unattractive virgin, of falling in love and living happily ever after, well it did not bear thinking about. He admitted that he did not mind the sex. Who could mind sex that was well described, where he was a master of the art, and they both gained satisfaction?
In his favorite stories, Severus had a mail order potion business and lived in obscure but lovely vistas, free from all masters, himself the master of his life; if he could not simply end, this was a close second. Why oh why, did they always have to gum it up by making him lonely and in need of the companionship of the bushy haired (but surprisingly voluptuous) woman who had saved his life years earlier with her meddling, pouring potions down his throat before he could succumb to Nagini's venom as he had always suspected would be his fate?
Why oh why, could she not understand that if Severus had desired to live, he would have planned for every eventuality and acquired muggle antivenom? He was not some hapless ignoramus who had to depend on the intelligence of the smartest witch of the age to save him from his own foolishness, like Harry Potter and her hapless boyfriend Ron. Not that he thought Miss Granger was all that brilliant, to have shackled herself to prop up those boys so they would not fail out of school or be caught as they roamed the countryside.
Severus's master, Lord Voldemort, who was also sometimes foolishly resurrected in stories by muggles with pen names like Voldewhore and SnnnnakkkkesssUmmmm, had in the course of experiencing these alternative tales somehow managed to keep himself alive permanently, anchored by those stories in which he triumphed over a dark future and all the girls from Dumbledore's Army were forced to be sex slaves to slathering Death Eaters (sometimes Ginny loved being submissive and Draco fell in love with Hermione). Those foolish muggles who wrote such tales had ensured that Tom Riddle would never truly die, and split his consciousness into many slivers in such stories, a fact he took advantage of to anchor himself to this world and to the zeros and ones that formed this reality in the virtual vistas of FanFiction and AO3.
Voldemort had woven a dark spell which when combined with a most clever potion of Severus's design, made the Dark Lord able to slither through many servers, giving him access to the whole of the digital world. Unlike Severus, who mostly dwelled in whichever tale was being read the most, Lord Voldemort had managed to inhabit the larger virtual network, free to come and go as he pleased, a master of the world wide web and any account he generated.
It was Voldemort who had used his newfound power to both torture and reward his followers by deciding which stories their consciousnesses would be anchored within, but as his conception of what might be desirable to them and what might not was tainted by his partially reptilian mind, it was hit and miss as to whether he succeeded in this desire. Severus, as skilled as he was in playing both sides of the war, and knowing his master was much more keen on punishing his followers than rewarding them, had managed for a time to persuade his master that he could not bear to be subjected to having mindless sex with a harem of women, that he much preferred brewing instead. But unfortunately, within a matter of weeks his master reasoned that this truly meant that Severus had more exotic tastes and on the next occasion when Severus truly delighted him, consulted with his most loyal Death Eaters about where they believed Severus's true predilections lay.
Bellatrix, who could not conceive of any one of the Death Eaters not desiring Voldemort's touch and wanting it for herself as well, recommended sending Severus to dwell in a story in which the Dark Lord took his pleasure of everyone in his inner circle, penetrating them with his snake-like member (it was as if Nagini were grafted onto his body, giving him a literal trouser-snake) and upon the culmination marking each with a bite inside, the venom remaking them each in his own image. She begged also to experience this story for herself. As Voldemort was in an indulgent mood, he gave way to her. However, as Voldemort was laboring over his potioneer, having already gone a round with Bellatrix in the hope of arousing Severus's jealousy, he was bored of the whole thing already, and frustrated that in this particular story he had super-human stamina. He took note that there was a slight tightening in Severus's frame that made Voldemort think that perhaps, just perhaps, this was not what Severus most desired.
After punishing Severus for not wholeheartedly embracing the privilege he had given him, with several rounds of the cruciatus curse, Voldemort regained his equanimity. Months went by where between needing Severus's help to design new schemes using bots to defraud muggles on the internet (the Saudi Prince who just needed a few thousand dollars to unlock his inheritance and promised to return the loan ten-fold within thirty days was one of his favorites), Severus floated about through various stories. One of Severus's favorite stories (although he would never admit it), was where he was heir to the Prince fortune and Lily married him instead of that blasted Potter, and together they defeated Voldemort to save their son, who looked nothing like Harry Potter (but for having his mother's green eyes and some mild myopia which Severus treated successfully with a potion within days of learning of the problem).
The Dark Lord, who was not known for giving up his obsessions easily, became fixated in trying to discover what Severus would truly like the most and the least (for only in discovering these things could he best control this valuable servant). Knowing that few were as highly evolved as himself, to have lost the desire for copulation, he became convinced that Severus must truly desire something of an exotic prurient nature (no vanilla fantasies for him). As a result, Severus was subjected to a nightmarish few months in which he balanced on the tightrope of trying not to please his master quite enough to receive a reward, yet not displease him enough to be tortured. Severus never knew from day to day, whether an intended reward or punishment might not be the better of the two. One week he was "rewarded" by having to molest his first year students, another week he was "tortured" by being forced to be Dumbledore, having to cheer for Gryffindor, eat copious amounts of sweets and then claim a ring that he knew would curse him to be slaughtered by Draco (since there was no Severus in this story to do it in his stead).
Severus finally thought he had happened upon a promising scheme that would make Voldemort think he was working diligently for the cause, but one that he was unlikely to garner enough success at to gain a "reward." It also had the advantage that perhaps, just perhaps, he could find a way to move himself out of his master's reach. He approached Voldemort with all the dignity he expected, lowering his eyes and with much modesty explaining his plan. "I have an idea of how we may advance your plan to transport your virtual presence into the physical world sooner. We must gain more money to fund research into an android body with all the senses of a proper wizard. The truly fraudulent schemes are all good and well, I suppose, but would it not be more delightful to let the muggles who have brought you back to life in these stories feel the true reach of your power?"
Voldemort asked, "Tell me, what have you in mind?"
"Precious little of these stories have any art. With the power of the dark mark, and the Gemino curse, you can duplicate your pitch and flatter all the writers on these platforms into thinking that you value their work above all others, and will favor them with original artwork, for a fee of course. Then, when they bite, a more personal response is required to negotiate the work. But the work itself will be no problem at all, for you can seize images from the world wide web, or use AI to create so called original art. Whenever a cover calls for you, you will be powerful, handsome, masterful. Their desires for stories with you as the protagonist will grow and grow. You will conquer their minds, in preparation for conquering their world in truth by acquiring more muggle money."
Voldemort frowned, "Do you think I want to devote so much time to such a petty endeavor? I pursue thousands upon thousands through spam email and click bait. Why should I lower my take to tens or hundreds of dollars per Mudblood?"
Severus lowered his head further in obeisance. "Forgive me, my Lord. Truly, I was not thinking about all of the demands upon your time. Targeted marketing can be labor intensive if you desire a personal response and to build rapport, rather than to just respond to inquiries with set answers. Perhaps . . . perhaps . . . " with as nonchalant an attitude as possible, his occlumency projecting a desire simply to be of service to his master while concealing his real motives deep within his mind, should Voldemort employ his legilimency to test his sincerity, "there is some way you could empower us, your loyal servants to do such work for you?"
"Hmmmm," Tom Riddle liked the idea of letting the muggles betray themselves so that his own power might grow. He imagined the handsome visage he would sport when the foolish Mudbloods worshipped his image on the cover of their virtual stories, how they would be the authors of their own doom, of their children's doom. "I suppose I might use the dark mark to let you access the review and private messaging functions of this fanfiction through a few accounts, and let you set up some of your own accounts."
Severus smiled inside. He would train his fellow death eaters well, and when all were most occupied, he would pursue his own scheme. Severus was nothing if not diligent and clever. He helped each death eater create a pitch of generic flattery. Some he tasked to follow and favorite authors, before messaging authors with their most flattering pitch. Others he tasked to post generic reviews when any new story was posted with the Gemino curse. He himself oversaw any commissioned art relating to Harry Potter fanfiction to place Voldemort in the most flattering light, but expanded their efforts to every story universe possible.
Finally, when they had some moderate success, he set Barty Crouch to betray Bellatrix, giving him just enough targeted hints of what she had been up to, that the Dark Lord would most definitely not like. By that time, he had used an account he created in the name of TrixMort, with an author cartoon of Bellatrix. Severus meticulously designed all aspects of the account so that it could easily be traced back to Bellatrix, adding details of her own fantasies with Voldemort which he had lifted from her mind, with additional twists that would upset him.
The story Severus composed, called "The Dark Lord Must Die" had Bellatrix as the main character. Bellatrix heard a prophesy that to live forever, the Dark Lord had to die and be reborn again. Knowing that he would not willingly die, but believing that she knew better and it was for his own good, she tricked the Dark Lord into getting her with child, and then when she knew he was expecting his spawn (which she expected could become the new Dark Lord, reincarnated), she used Nagini's scales in the polyjuice potion to become Nagini, killing Nagini with a poisoned muggle (Nagini ate it and expired) so that she could replace the snake. Then, when the Dark Lord was sleeping within her embrace, Bellatrix bit him and used her venom to fatally wound him, consuming him before he died in an effort to anchor his soul fragment into the baby in her womb. In a final twist of the knife, Bellatrix continually sipped at the polyjuice of Nagini so as to keep this form until she could finish digesting Voldemort. Then, when she resumed her own form, she felt intense ecstasy at the thought of being the new Dark Lord's mother.
At the end, Bellatrix bore a girl-child that she named Tomasina, but who seemed to have none of Voldemort's power. At the conclusion, Bellatrix realized that the Dark Lord's essence was still within herself, but she gave it to her child, drop by drop, when the babe suckled at her breasts. However, the child was too sunny and normal, so at the end, Bellatrix used some old scales of Nagini to become the snake again and eat Tomasina so that Bellatrix could be the Dark Lord, with the evilness that Voldemort would have wanted.
Severus carefully used AI to craft a cover of the story. It showed Bellatrix pregnant and glowing, as she cackled with delight, about to sip the potion.
Severus was convinced that the most brilliant part of the story was that he could place his consciousness in the story, without needing to inhabit any of the distasteful scenes. Indeed, most people would hardly notice his presence in it, as it was so innocuous. He simply quietly brewed the polyjuice potion for Bellatrix in a passage which was only two sentences long, after she told him the Dark Lord had commanded it. It was Bellatrix that damningly added Nagini's scales to enact her plot.
After tipping Crouch off, Severus hunkered down in the story, waiting with the hope that Voldemort would deleting the sacrilegious account while he remained brewing in his small scene. It seemed like he lived that scene for weeks; it was a rather boring, neutral scene, and as he brewed, he thought about the different lives he had lived in fanfiction, both good and bad. Severus had purposely not written in any of his thoughts, and so in the scene he had his own, unrecorded for anyone to spy upon. The adding of the ingredients, the stirring, the finished product, occurred many times in summary form, but as in truth it only happened once in the story, his arms never grew weary, he never had to pee, and his thoughts could continue in such a spiraled eternity.
Crouch was rather eager for his master's accolades, so it only took a matter of days for Voldemort to learn of the account and decide what should be done. Voldemort decided it would be apt to let Nagini eat Bellatrix and Nagini struck so quickly that Bellatrix had no opportunity to question why she was being thus punished before her throat was ripped out. She died while Nagini was still unhinging her jaws to swallow Bellatrix whole.
Of course, Severus did not know any of that, and he had not been gone long enough for Voldemort to have more than a passing thought at his absence, that it was too bad that Severus had missed the show. What Severus did have an odd awareness of was when Voldemort logged into the TrixMort account and clicked to the "manage stories." Severus felt momentary regret when he felt "the Dark Lord Must Die" selected and then the "delete story" button being clicked. After that, he knew no more.
A/N: I've tackled the subject of the "I love your story, commission me for cover art" spam that everyone is getting in a Pride and Prejudice story, but have lost steam on it. Today I woke up and knew that I wanted to tell another version of it in the Harry Potter fandom. I knew that Severus was connected with this nefarious plot, but for his own purposes, so I had to write this one shot to learn how. I hope you enjoyed this, but if all the reviews I get are the bots, at least there will be some good dramatic irony.