It was simultaneously easier and harder than Siara had expected it to be. Her prior knowledge of battles helped with getting the flow of things, but her magic didn't always respond in the way she wanted it to. Sometimes she'd try to summon up ice to throw before Barris' feet, trying to get him to lose his balance, but instead icicles would spring forth from the ground. Or she would be trying to singe him a little, but instead an entire fireball would go flying straight for his face. Everything that went wrong, Barris would counteract or dodge. On occasion he would try nullifying Siara's magic. That was the worst. She'd feel as though her magic was still there, but just out of reach, or as though she couldn't quite see anymore. The longer the match went on, however, the less frequently Barris would try to counter her magic and instead settle for dodging.

Siara took a deep breath as she blocked one of Barris' blows with the staff Solas had given her, feeling the full force of his blow. She fell to one knee, the staff preventing the sword from inching towards her. Barris was applying too much pressure for her to be able to deflect the blow, and he knew it. From the look in his eyes, he also knew that if he kept the pressure up for long enough, Siara wouldn't be able to hold it. She scowled, reaching for her magic once more, hoping that Barris' lack of lyrium use was simply because he was giving her more opportunities to use her magic. A burst of bright, nearly white flame burst out of the focus on the staff, sending Barris flying away from her. Siara was on her feet in a second, hurrying over to where he had crashed on the ground. He didn't look too good, groaning as he forced himself back into a sitting position and calmly tapping out the flames on the edge of his uniform.

"Shit, are you all right?" Siara asked, looking down at him in horror before offering her hand out to help him up.

"I've had worse," he tried to smile at her, reaching up to take the offered hand. He ended up grimacing instead, his hand now clutching at his opposite shoulder. Siara turned to call Solas over, but he was already at her side, crouching to get a better look at Barris' injuries.

"Why didn't you block it?" she asked, still horrified. "I could have killed you!"

"I tried," Barris sighed, pain easing from his face as Solas worked his healing magic. He looked back up at Siara, a serious expression on his face. "I couldn't."

"What do you mean, you couldn't? That's bullshit. You're an experienced templar, you're the bloody Knight-Commander, for crying out loud!"

"That's true, but all the experience in the world doesn't help if you don't have any lyrium in your system."

"You didn't think to top up before training with me?"

Barris sighed, shaking his head. Solas was now also watching him with interest, evidently as intrigued about what had happened as Siara was.

"I've had my suspicions for a while," the templar said eventually, pushing himself to his feet and looking down at Siara, almost apologetically. "When we were hunting the blood mages together, I found myself required to take lyrium more often than usual. I couldn't explain it at first, but then I saw how Commander Rutherford was around you, and when he wasn't. When he's around you for long periods of time, his withdrawals aren't nearly as bad. And I never experienced symptoms when I was around you, even when I should have been."

Siara froze, every muscle tensing, ice seeming to flow through her.

"Are you saying that you think Siara is somehow depleting lyrium from your system?" Solas asked, his voice sounding far away. Barris didn't take his eyes off Siara, watching her reaction closely.

"I think so. Yes."

"Well, that changes things," Solas muttered, frowning slightly. "We'd been working under the assumption that a reaction between the magic in your armband and the rift caused something to happen. But perhaps we're not entirely correct about that."

"Lyrium syphoning is more of a seeker ability," Barris said, rather hesitantly, still watching Siara closely. "Perhaps you could talk to Seeker Penteghast about if you can learn to control it?"

Silence fell, Siara barely able to comprehend what was being said anymore. She could feel two sets of eyes on her, watching her closely, but she didn't know what she was supposed to say. The staff fell from her hands, bringing her out of her stupor as it clanged on the ground. She shook her head, backing away from Barris and Solas.

"No," she told them. "No. I just… I need to think."

She turned away and just about ran over to the stairs leading back to Barris' office, not looking back once, forcing herself to ignore how trapped she felt as she made her way up the steps.

It took him a while, but eventually Barris spotted Siara, standing on top of one of the towers, one that he knew hardly anyone else visited. From his understanding, it was one of Siara's many haunts. Naturally he'd thought to check it last, though. He walked up the last flight of steps and found Siara standing at the edge of the crenulations, looking out over the mountains. He paused for a moment, but continued forward and stopped next to her, folding his arms across his chest.

"I'm surprised you're not at the tavern drinking," he greeted with a smile, trying to ease the tension he knew Siara would be feeling with a joke.

Siara scoffed, half smirking as she looked around at him for a moment before returning to looking out at the scenery.

"Believe me, I wish I was," she told him. "With everything going on at the moment I'm just overwhelmed. It's like I can't breathe half the time. But I made a promise to Cullen, and I have every intention of keeping it. There's nothing I'd like more right now than a butterbile, but he promised to try getting off lyrium again if I stopped drinking and smoking, so… here I am," she held up her hand to show it shaking slightly, "shakes and all."

She lowered her hand back to the cold stone she was leaning on, Barris frowning slightly.

"How long has this been going on for?" he asked.

"The shakes, quitting, or feeling like I'm drowning?"

"All of it, I suppose."

"The shakes come and go. It's been a while, so most of the time I'm fine now. It just seems to get worse whenever something stresses me out. We made the deal before Fort Greystone, and there have been a good few distractions from my own messed up existence, so all things considered, it hasn't been too bad."

She could tell that Barris wasn't entirely convinced by her answer, but it was true as far as she could tell. Her shakes did seem to be improving, for the most part, but she still believed it would be a while longer before she didn't get them at all.

"Are you all right?"

There was a hint of concern on his voice, and Siara looked around at him and smiled as reassuringly as she could, knowing that he wasn't just asking about the drinking.

"I'll be fine, Delrin," she told him, "there's just a lot going on at the moment. Once I've managed to think everything through a bit more, I'll be back to my old chirpy self."

He scoffed at that, leaning on the wall next to her.

"I don't know if I'd ever have described you as 'chirpy'."

"Oh, come on. I put on a good act."

"Moody. You were more moody than chirpy."

"I could be chirpy," Siara huffed, Barris smiling and shaking his head.

For a moment they stayed silent, just watching as the sun set and stars started to come out, torches and candles beginning to be lit around Skyhold. Siara was the first of the two to break the silence.

"I wish it wasn't an act," she said.

"What?"

"The chirpiness, whenever it came out. I wish it wasn't pretend. I wish my life really could be like that. I wish I wasn't so… afraid," she scoffed, shaking her head. "But it really isn't that easy, is it?"

"Why can't it be?"

"Because that's not what people like me get," she told him. "It took me a while to realise it, but all three of us, my sister, brother, and I… our whole lives we've each carried a heavy burden. Mara basically had to parent Jacen and me, she felt like it was her job to keep us safe. Fed. Heck, it was her job to keep us alive for a while, and I don't think I ever thanked her enough for that."

Barris had fallen silent, the way he always did when Siara started talking. She knew that he wouldn't interrupt her. He never did. It was what made him so easy to talk to, and she was thankful for it.

"Jacen carried guilt. Maker, he carried so much guilt. He felt guilty about what happened to me, about when we thought that Mara was killed… he felt like it was his fault for leaving us. He never said it out loud, at least not to me, but I could see it in his eyes every time I was struggling with it. Then everything happened at Kirkwall and he felt responsible for that because Anders was his boyfriend, he of all people should have known. That's what he thought, at least. But no one can really know the exact thoughts and feelings of another person, can they?" Siara looked at Barris questioningly, getting a silent shake of his head in response.

She sighed, looking up at the sky and turning so she could half sit on the crenulation behind her. It was so peaceful in Skyhold, despite the hubbub of people around the place. It was a lot more quiet than the city, and the mountain air felt cool and refreshing, not at all as frigid as she knew it should be. Another reminder of the markings on her skin and the magic that now flowed within her. She shook her head slightly, trying to force those thoughts from her head, folding her arms and looking down at her boots.

"And I've been carrying this trauma on my shoulders for at least ten years," she muttered. "Since those templars attacked. I think even before then I felt… mmm… not entirely happy. It wasn't anyone's fault, it was just that my life had drifted so drastically from what I wanted when I was a kid. Then Mara and I got attacked, I thought I watched her die, I was… I just don't want to feel this weight anymore. I don't want to feel this fear. And I sure as anything don't want whatever this mess happening to me at the moment is. This… magic, or seeker bull shit, or Maker knows whatever else it could be," she looked down at her wrists, where she knew the markings were lurking just beneath the white cloth of her shirt.

"You're not afraid of me, are you?" Barris asked, drawing her out of her thoughts. "Not anymore?"

Siara frowned.

"Well… yes. I am," she told him.

"Oh?"

"You're my friend, Delrin, and I'm glad for that. I never thought I would have a friend quite like you, but now I do. The thing is that, despite our relationship, I'm still afraid of you. Does that make sense? Please let that make sense, because I'm not entirely sure how to explain it."

"Not really, I'm afraid."

Siara sighed, rubbing her face and once again turning around, biting her lower lip as she frowned, wracking her brain to try and figure out how to explain her feelings.

"Okay, it's sort of like a horse, right?"

"So I'm a horse now?" Barris looked rather too amused.

"Please just… let me explain," Siara half smiled, shaking her head slightly. "You think about a horse. They are some of our best friends, right? They do work for us that we either would never be able to do or it would take us hours at best to get completed. They carry us places faster than we could walk, I've even used a couple of horses as pillows. The good ones are so loyal and gentle and kind to us, and yet to keep it that way, we have to have a healthy respect and even perhaps a slight fear of them. Because if pushed too far, even the most docile of horses will snap and hurt you. Perhaps even kill you. It's not that I think you'd ever hurt me, not… not consciously , but I think my unconscious still sees you as a threat. Because of what those templars did to me all those years ago. And I think, with everything going on with me, I'm a bit scared of what I could do to you, too. I mean, who ever heard of a mage that could counteract a templar? The implications of that are terrifying," Siara looked back at Barris with a small, concerned frown on her face. "Does that make any sense now?"

For a moment Barris didn't say anything, simply regarding Siara and reflecting upon what she said. Then he stood up straight, half smiled at her, and nodded.

"Yeah," he told her, "yeah, I think it makes sense. And if there is anything I can do to help you carry your burden, perhaps someday even no longer carry it, then let me know."

Siara smiled at him, a genuine, quietly happy and even kind smile.

"You're already helping me," she told him, "but I have to admit, I'm a bit scared of who I would be without all this pain. I've had it for so long, I don't know who I would be without it."

"You'd be whoever you want to be," Barris told her. "You'd be free."

Siara paused for a moment before looking up at Barris, contemplating his words and the reassuring look in his eyes. In that moment she wished more than anything that he was right.