Chapter 2: First Baby Mission
Mission Rank: S
Assigned Shinobi: Uchiha Madara
Objective: Contain and neutralize the diaper bomb before it spreads to civilian areas.
Target: Baby Naruto
Status: Critical.
It started like any normal afternoon.
Madara was sitting in his fortress- dark, gloomy, dramatic- reading an ancient scroll on forbidden jutsu. Naruto was on the floor, surrounded by toys and a suspiciously intense look on his tiny face.
Madara glanced down from the scroll. "Why are you making that expression?"
Naruto grunted.
And then... the smell hit.
Madara blinked. "... No."
Naruto giggled.
The smell grew stronger. It was evolving.
"No."
--
"Okay. Think. You've faced mighty wars before. You've fought Hashirama to the death. You can handle one-tiny-human."
He cautiously approached, removing Naruto's pants like they were tagged with explosive seals.
Then he saw it.
"... What is that?!"
It was everywhere.
Not just in the diaper- oh no. That would've been too merciful. It had somehow... defied physics. There was splatter on the wall. The ceiling. One kunai. How?
Madara activated his Sharingan just to track the trajectory.
"This is not poop. This is chakra-infused doom."
--
He summoned a shadow clone. It took one look and immediately dispelled itself. The room was rapidly becoming a level 5 Contaminated Zone.
Naruto laughed, clapping his hands. Madara stood in front of him, holding up a baby wipe like it was a tag to seal a tailed beast.
"Hold still."
Naruto took that as a challenge- and ran.
--
-Naruto sprinted through the base.
-Madara used Body Flicker to try and cut him off.
-Naruto used the poop-covered diaper as a projectile.
-Madara dodged, barely.
-The diaper hit a scroll shelf. It caught fire.
"I AM LITERALLY THE STRONGEST SHINOBI! WHY AM I LOSING TO A BABY?!"
--
After exactly 36 minutes, three exploded scrolls, one crying baby clone, and a very traumatized toad (don't ask), Madara managed to corner Naruto and clean him up.
Naruto was now in a clean onesie with a little shuriken patterns, wrapped in a towel like a smug little burrito.
Madara slumped to the floor, covered in battle scars and baby powder. "You win."
Naruto smiled sweetly.
And then sneezed directly into Madara's face.
--
Mission Debrief
Succes: Baby cleaned. Base still standing (barely).
Mental State: Questionable.
Notes: Reconsider immortality. Also, buy hazmat suits.